You finally meet what seems to be a decent guy, have a few amazing dates and soon find yourself in a full-blown relationship. This isn’t just any relationship, this is a too-good-to-be-true-I’m-so-happy-I’m-sweating-sunshine-and-farting-rainbows relationship with your “soul mate,” that seems to have proven to you why it didn’t work out with the whatever-his-names-were, of the past. You can’t remember the last time you felt so happy. You may have even gotten to the point where he introduces you to his close friends and his family.
Fantastic, right? Well, yeah… until the part where he gets all weird, disinterested, is shut off and cold for no reason and then all of a sudden… you’re single, again. He tells you that he needs space, that it’s not you it’s him, etc.
Basically, he tells you that it’s over. He can’t give a real, valid explanation as to why and you’re now left trying to make sense out of something that seriously, makes no logical sense whatsoever.
do your best to move on social media stalk, cry, obsess, and basically just go through the motions of a moderately miserable person because if anyone knew just how depressed you really were, you’d be in a straight jacket surrounded by padded walls.
Then one night, late night, you have a few drinks and text him, or maybe you’re just sitting at home and you get a drunk text from him, or you conveniently “run into” him and next thing you know, it’s morning and you’re in his bed.
You had ex sex, it’s awkward as hell, but then again t’s not because it’s so.painfully.familiar, and now you don’t know what else to do but gather your things and leave looking like a hopefully better version of the photo above.
You miss your ex so much and you still want him. You think that maybe this means that he wants to get back together, so you don’t pressure him, but he all too quickly treats you like an acquaintance and you feel like you just took 12767163 bullets and still have to live.
You no longer “have” him, but what you do have is an even bigger void, break in your heart, feeling of confusion, lack of closure and you’re now 50 shades of mind f*cked because you don’t know what to think any longer and everything just got way more complicated.
You think, “If he didn’t still want me, he wouldn’t he be having sex with me.” So, you hold onto the hope that this means that whatever you had with your ex is going to be resurrected from the emotionally unavailable relationship graveyard.
You should be happy, but you can’t shake feeling even more depressed, heartbroken and out of your mind. After a while, your insecurity hits an all time, debilitating high. It hurts to be with him, but it’s unbearable being without him.
Is ex sex ever a good idea? And what should you do when you can’t stop won’t stop with the ex sex?
Ex sex, like so many other things in life, is something that we can all, in our right minds, admit that it’s not conducive to our health, healing or sanity but we do it (and do it and do it and do it) anyway. Sometimes you overestimate your ability to “be mature” and not get your feelings hurt but inevitably, you always do.
Why? Because you’re human, because you’re fallible and unfortunately, there is a drug for restless leg syndrome and not one to cancel out Oxytocin.
For a lot of people, ex sex continues to happen because:
- You miss your ex so much that you convince yourself it’s better to have some pathetic connection to him (that robs you of your dignity), than nothing at all.
But what really is *it* that you have with him? A late night booty call? A few minutes of bliss just to feel even worse (and more used) than before? Him now feeling like he has the license to tell his bros that he has an eager pump and dump in you WHILE he’s texting 3 other chicks and swiping right all hours of the day and Snapchatting his friend’s cousin?
The ex sex will prove to hurt and damage you more than having some pride, sticking up for yourself and doing the hard, painful, going-to-test-everything-you’re-made-of, short term pain ever will. When you have ex sex, you have to remember that he’s free to go do whatever and whoever he wants. He’s having his cake (getting spoon fed by you while wearing a bib you knitted for him) and eating it too.
- You think that by engaging in ex sex, he’ll eventually “come to his senses” and want to try again after seeing how cool you are, how much you truly love him, and how much you’re risking to be with him.
When you have ex sex to stay in contact and to reignite what’s dead and gone, it’s like foregoing doctor recommended treatment and believing that your cancer will be cured by taking a Flintstones vitamin.
- You’re ovulating at the mere mention of his name. You two have mind-blowing chemistry and you’re convinced you’ll never find it with anyone else.
I get it. I realllllyyy get it, but I know that you know as well as I do that great sex will never be the glue that single-handedly holds a relationship (that will stand the test of time) together.
What if one day he wasn’t able to have sex for whatever reason? You’d be stuck with an emotionally unavailable d-bag that’s proven to you through his actions that he can’t even be a good friend.
Okay, so he’s the best lover you’ve ever had in the history of ever. Guess what? You have a lot more living to do and he will not be the best lover that you have ever and will ever have because when you start to work on loving yourself and developing boundaries, you’ll start to actually feel turned off at the thought of him, his behavior and ANYONE that treats you less than you treat and value yourself.
Let him be the Santa Clause of bad sex and go give it to everyone else in town. Stay on the white horse and know that even if you feel alone and you’re crying yourself to sleep every night, guess what? You’re not alone. There are so many other readers all over the world that are reading these exact words right now. I’ve been there and if I hadn’t felt that pain and committed to ending the bs once and for all, I would not have created this blog and I would not be doing what I love every day. Use your pain, be the lady that you are and reintroduce everyone to the you that has limits, respect and a whole lot of dignity. Be the one that got away, not the flailing, indecisive, drunk, easy, drama-happy ex that he will be all too happy to label you as.
- Lastly, you tell yourself that if he really didn’t want you, he wouldn’t be having sex with you.
Ummmm, no. The reason that he keeps calling you, texting you, etc., with everything ending in ex sex, is because he can and because you allow it. Period.
Just like you don’t need to be a good person to have a kid (even though obviously, you should be), you don’t need to be a morally sound and good person to have sex.
Do you really think that if you offer a steak to a dog, he’ll sniff it for a minute, then politely and respectfully decline? LOL!
Stop giving your time, your attention and your libido over to someone that is undeserving. The only way out of this is to start feeling better about yourself and I know it’s hard.
You have to have your own back and ACT like someone that knows she deserves better because you do.