If the thought has ever crossed your mind: “I think my boyfriend is gay”… this post is for you.

This is a subject that I have wanted to write about for a very long time. Why? Because I once dated a guy who was everything I had ever wanted, until… I found something that forever changed the foundation that our relationship was built on.

I was once that girl, who didn’t know what to do or where to turn. A girl that found herself in the middle of the night Googling, “Is he gay? Is my boyfriend gay? I think my boyfriend is gay” while *he* was sound asleep next to me – as seemingly NOT gay as ever. I had never had a connection with anyone like this before. It couldn’t be. But then again, why did I find what I found on his phone?

Not only did I not find anything from my Google searches, but I actually found a ton of junk out there that personally, I think is very disrespectful to the gay community. “If he hangs out with guys,” “If he spends longer doing his hair than you do,” “If he dances fancy (I don’t know what that even means),” “If he cares too much about his hygiene,” etc.

Since when did caring too much about your hygiene become a bad thing, let alone a gay thing? And to be honest, these “signs,” were not only insulting to the gay community but the guy in question, the had-me-ovulating-at-“hello”-George-Clooney-look-alike-Wolf-of-Wall-Street-for-real-Dos-Equis-commercial-most-interesting-playboy-women-magnet, man that I was dating exhibited none of those “signs.”

I wanted to write this post for any woman out there who is or has ever found herself in this position.

I wanted to shed some light on this topic in the most kindly honest and respectful way I know how: by sharing my story so that maybe… just maybe one of you out there feels less alone.

So how did I get there on that night? With my possibly gay (?) but totally straight (right?) boyfriend sleeping next to me while I was hopelessly searching…

I think my boyfriend is gay. Is my boyfriend gay?

A long time ago in what now seems like a galaxy far, far away, I was dating a handsome emotionally unavailable man that no matter what, I never felt like I had “all” of.

Whether it be his attention, affection, or commitment, I never felt like I fully had *it* with *him.*

“Is he gay? Is my boyfriend gay?” Ummm… no. He was the ultimate guy’s guy. I’m still to this day convinced that he was the inspiration for the Dos Equis man. This guy had it all.

He was very well-known and had the world in the palm of his hand. He was the guy that every guy wanted to be and be friends with. He spoke multiple languages, smoked the best cigars, had traveled everywhere, took financial care of his Mother (and called her every day just because), volunteered in third world countries, and still looked at the world with the kind of wonder that you only see in a child’s eyes at Christmas. With the most infectious laugh and personality, he was a walking attention magnet. He had a way of making people feel like they could do anything (except be as cool as him or get any kind of emotional access to him). He kept everyone at an emotional arm’s length. I guess that’s where the attraction was rooted.

We had been going through a rough time. I found out that the weekend before, he had hosted a few of his friends from back home in what was described as a “golfing trip,” and had in reality, taken them all to a strip club, dropping thousands on lap dances for everyone. He had been friends with these guys for years. They were all married with kids, except him. He was the perpetual bachelor and I was the lucky one that the “picky,” perfect guy had been holding out for. I remember feeling so insecure when I found out about the lap dances. It devastated me. Something just didn’t feel right about that weekend. Maybe because even though he eventually answered my texts on Sunday night, I felt such a distance… I felt like there was some sort of unknown threat.

So, there I was. At 3:19 am going through his phone while he was sleeping next to me. 

To my surprise, I didn’t find one disrespectful text, weird number, photo or anything. I found so many things on his phone that made me forget his distance. He had all of his text logs up and talked so highly of me to everyone. My presence was all over his phone in the best way.

Then, just as I was about to put the phone down in the exact position he left it in, I opened his internet and a ton of bricks came crashing down. My whole body started shaking. I found multiple tabs of gay porn. “Is he gay?” “There’s no way. This must be some mistake.

The next morning, after he left to go to work, I called my best guy friend because I knew he wouldn’t tell anyone and would be honest with me. “I think my boyfriend is gay. Is he gay? Is this normal?” I asked. “Natasha, I’d rather stare straight into the sun than look at gay porn.”

But that wasn’t enough for me. There was no way that this guy, my guy, my everything… was gay. There were no tell-tale signs, we had amazing passion and there was just no way.

So, I went to my gay guy friend. “Is he gay?” I asked. “Well, I can say for certain that he’s not straight.” I still didn’t believe it. I knew this guy loved and was attracted to women way too much. I mean, he was the lap dance guy. The ultimate wingman/ladies man.

I kept the secret to myself and I never told him what I found. Despite his emotional bankruptcy, I got to the point where I realized that whatever his orientation may be, this was a man who was in a lot of pain and felt a great deal of shame. I never wanted to embarrass or humiliate him. I did, however, after a lot of tears and dot connecting, come up with my own interpretation of our time under the stars. I’m not saying that this is applicable to every guy who has his girlfriend wondering “is he gay?” but it helped give me closure and make sense out of what I found on his phone.

Is he gay? Here’s a list of what I’ve learned…

  • I am not, I will never be, nor do I ever want to be at liberty to determine what ANYONE’S orientation is. All I can do is have my own back and protect myself. I realized that I had no right to answer “is he gay?” or to definitively label him as one or the other.
  • I think that the reason he loved introducing me to his guy friends and “showing me off” (which totally satisfied my validation-seeking self), was because of the attention that I commanded from other men. It was his way of inadvertently turning other men on. Same thing with going to strip clubs and buying lap dances for all the guys. It’s an environment where other men are turned on and he still got to be the Cuban smoking playboy, orchestrating it all.
  • He pushed for marriage and a family with me but when it came down to it, messed up the relationship right before it got to that point. He liked the idea of all of that because it would negate his internal going-ons, but he couldn’t bring himself to it.
  • I think that he was sexually attracted to men but romantically attracted to women. That’s as far as I chose to make sense of it.
  • He was too religious, too manly, too known, too everything to ever even explore what he was doing such a masterful job of concealing.
  • He had alluded to childhood trauma. When people do this, they are generally, only alluding to a small fraction of the trauma that was experienced.
  • I realized that attempting to make him my psychological case study, was NONE of my business. He was human and so was I. This was so much deeper than “us.”
  • It was too complicated of a puzzle for me to keep attempting to figure out. It was hard enough trying to get him to be emotionally available but exclusively straight? I realized that it wasn’t my battle to fight.

People can’t help but communicate who they are.

If you ever find yourself, even for a moment, genuinely wondering “is he gay?” it’s time to make a dignified exit with grace. Don’t humiliate anyone, no matter how humiliated you feel. We are all fighting our own battles.

The one thing that you will never be able to compete with is someone’s preferences.

If you’re wondering “is he gay?” just that wondering alone will disallow you from ever being in an exclusive relationship with this man. It will always be a perpetual threesome: you, him and his unmentionable preference. Whatever that may be.

You deserve a mutual relationship in which the fundamental preferences MATCH – emotionally and sexually. 

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.

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17 comments

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Wow. That really hit home, sound exactly like my emotionally unavailable possibly gay ex. He made a point to show me off to his coworkers and family, and I found out he had been watching gay porn (and I have other evidence to support the gay theory). I googled and googled and found so much confusing information. This is really helpful. I believe the shame he feels over his repressed homosexuality may be why he is narcissistic.

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Christine, Thank you so much for the feedback and for sharing your experience with this. I was so on the fence about writing on this topic, but the insane lack of anything out there gave me the push I needed to just do it. I’m so glad it helped! Thx u sister xoxoxo

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Thank you. Just thank you for having the courage to write about this and do it in such a respectful and classy way. This healed my heart and gave me the closure I need. May God bless you Natasha. You are helping more people than you know.

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BLOWN AWAY. Thanks from the bottom of my unbroken heart. You are everything I want to be and I hope you know what a healer you are.

With love from NYC,

Stephanie

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To know that there are others out there who have experienced the same thing is so comforting!! It’s so unbearable to go thru these things alone. You seem to cover every topic that I have ever experienced and I’m so grateful for you and your following!!?

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Thanks beautiful 🙂 I’m grateful for you too! XOXO

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You are lucky you figured it out and got out before it was too late. I married one of these guys. We had multiple children. I have been married for almost a quarter century. I didn’t find porn back then (there were no iphones and no internet) so I had NO IDEA at the time I married him what the issue was. I didn’t even know at that time that closeted gay men married unsuspecting straight women. I was young, and in love, and had never lived with a man, and he was the alpha male, intelligent and athletic – but emotionally bankrupt and later emotionally abusive. I didn’t start to find the porn until we had a growing family and then I found lots of it – all 100% gay – guy on guy, hard core stuff. Not a woman to be seen. By this point, I had been in a emotionally abusive marriage for a very long time and my self esteem was shot to hell. I was his beard – but became so unknowingly and innocently. I worked myself so hard to please him but he could never be pleased. It’s taken me 3 years with a therapist to rebuild my self-esteem and later this week I plan to leave him. The therapist says not to tell the kids (it’s too complicated because he’s in denial) but I’m hurting because I have to be the one to bear the brunt of the blame for the separation and divorce. If anyone has any kind words of support I would be pleased to receive them at this difficult time. I have lost friends and family over his obvious abusiveness, but no one knows the truth of my situation or the extent of my pain (except the therapist).

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Hi Jen,

Thank you sooo much for sharing. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are not alone and you’re part of a tribe here. I can only imagine how hard this is for you considering that you’re carrying this knowingness all on your own while being on the receiving end of blame and guilt. You did the right thing by going to therapy and building yourself back up. Are you unable to tell any family at this time? Just keep coming back here to the blog and continue to have your own back. He is clearly in a lot of pain and deep, deep denial. Let him make his bed, stay on the whitehorse and secure your own proverbial oxygen first. Thank you again for sharing. XOXO

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Hi Jen, my heart goes out to you, but you are not alone. My ex husband had a very complicated past and I always had my doubts about his sexuality, especially since his parents had their own skeletons in their closets that I found out about during our relationship. When he would drink his male friends would always tell me how touchy he would become and there were other things I noticed myself. My ex husband was also very verbally abusive and ultimately he ended up cheating on me with an ex girlfriend that to me always looked very masculine and I found it very odd. He was also oddly obsessed with anal sex and I never put two and two together. My daughter is 8 years old and she has always been obsessed with the thought of her father and I getting back together. I always tell her that her father and I are better separated because we would argue too much when we were together and we wanted to keep her away from that. I tell her we will always be friends and work hard to give her the best of us. My ex husband will always struggle with his sexuality but what matters most is how he is as parent and that is what you have to focus on. We have to put our emotions aside when it comes to how they hurt us and realize there are certain factors in our lives that are out of our control. My ex husband has tried to hurt me in any way you can think of, sabotage, you name it. I am a breast cancer survivor, had a bilateral mastectomy, due for surgery in a month to have a failed right ovary removed, but I feel amazing! I have my beautiful daughter and there will ALWAYS be light at the end of the tunnel when YOU KNOW YOUR TRUTH. You know you gave it your ALL, and that is all you could do. Your children will always admire you if you never speak badly about their father, NEVER DO IT. Even if he does, you take the high road. You want to set an example. I’m here for you if you ever want to chat..I’ve been through it all and I will be 40 in September, celebrating my strength. Our resilience as women is incomparable.

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I cannot thank you enough for sharing this Rosa. Truly. You are such an inspiration. All of my love to you and your beautiful daughter. xx

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Thank you so much for writing this. It has been almost a year since my emotionally bankrupt gay ex who was also attracted to me broke up with me. You’re right, the articles out there about this are awful and completely invalidate that some women can still be heartbroken over this type of loss. I also appreciate how you did not undermine his real attraction and care for you and also did not label him. My ex was a carbon copy of yours right down to the sexual trauma. I thought he was the love of my life. What we had was real and wonderful but I deserve to be with a man who is comfortable with who he is and is a attracted to me because of my gender instead of in spite of my gender.

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Ginna,

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and share your experience. Years ago when I went through this, I felt so alone in my feelings and experience; exactly how you articulated. You are not alone, you will get through this and you’ll be stronger as a result. Sending you love soul sister. XO

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Natasha ♡

I have reached out to you throughout the past year and read many of your posts. I even purchased the No Contact Contract. You have helped me find my way out of a very dark place with a narcissist man who was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive. In the first year that we met, I discovered that he was in an intimate relationship with a transgender woman. Please know that I do not discriminate and I accept others for who they choose to be as a person as long as it’s not harming me. In this case though it was because of how my ex went about the situation. Needless to say, it caused me an immense amount of trauma that nearly ended my life because in that moment amongst everything that had happened , I felt completely worthless and discarded. I am in therapy to this day, I read your posts daily and nowadays I choose to put ME and my mental health. I am finally in such a good and healthy place and I could not have done it without you.

I can’t wait for your book! I love you!!

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Tiffany,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this. I hope you know how many people you are helping to feel less alone and giving a voice to. I am so happy and honored to have helped in any way.

So very proud of you sister. You are such an inspiration <3 I can't wait for you to read it 🙂 Love you too sister. xox

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I should have included this in my last comment because it was the entire point I was trying to make 🤦🏼‍♀️ My ex was a total “guys guy.” I never suspected he might be gay because he was a total gym guy, was handsome and acted just like typical guys do. He has only been with one person of the opposite sex and explained he was attracted to her because she was beautiful even though she was born a man. I still to this day do not fully understand his mindset and I am okay with that. I do not discriminate, I just chose to value myself and my peace of mind more rather than stay involved in a situation that wasn’t serving me. All in all, you can’t fully know someone who doesn’t even know themselves. I learned a powerful lesson in that.

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There is so much that I have to say about this.

I will expand on this further in a future post. Thank you for starting this conversation and shining a light on something that is so confusing, and isolating.

Thank you for being you. xox

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Same sex, not opposite sex. I cannot think tonight I apologize!

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