So, you snooped. All the way through your boyfriend’s phone, his iPad, his laptop… everything.
Obviously, snooping isn’t the best thing to do. It’s a violation of privacy, trust and it isn’t morally right. If you snoop and you let your emotions associated with the information that you uncovered get the best of you, 10 times out of 10 you will be the one that ends up:
- Looking/feeling crazy, angry & like a fool
- Accused of having “major issues” and being told to “check yourself in” / “get help” (followed by a door slam or being hung up on, unfollowed on social media, sh*t talked about, etc.)
- Abandoned and alone. Again.
Yes, all of the above is definitely true, but we don’t give a f*ck, we snoop anyway. We snoop harder. We snoop smarter. We have to.
You swear that you “never do this” and that you “just did it one time” or that “this was your first time” (I’m talking about snooping, not what you say before/during/after a one night stand). If you have snooped, never, ever tell anyone. Not your friends, not his friends, no one. You can’t risk someone opening their mouth after you’ve made up or broken up or when they think it’s “safe” to bring up (it never is and people can be stupid).
Maybe your boyfriend has always been overly and weirdly protective of his phone, maybe he’s been acting different lately; maybe he’s always typing on his phone but you never actually hear it go off. Whatever the case may be, you find a way to get in, go through everything and what you find shocks you and breaks your heart. Whether it’s porn, his search history, sexting other girls, calling and texting his ex, sexting the bartender from last weekend, talking to his friends about the lap dance he got during the bachelor party that was just supposed to be a golfing trip, texting his drug dealer, has active dating profiles, is active on Tinder, is on Grinder, whatever it may be, it devastates you and now you’re in an awful position.
You not only have to keep the information to yourself, but you can’t call him out on it because if you did, you’d have to admit that you snooped and according to everyone that’s ever been snooped on in the history of ever – only insecure, batsh*t crazy bitches snoop and you definitely aren’t one of those. You’re a smart, hot, classy LADY that had a “gut feeling” and you took initiative, but now you’re hurt. and angry. and heartbroken. You soooo want to do the whole “you-think-I’m-dumb-and-that-you’re-sooo-smart-but-I-know-what-you-did” and teach him a lesson that he’ll never forget, but you can’t. So what do you do?
If you’re with someone that’s capable of engaging in deception (and obviously lacks empathy), why would you want to explain to this person who was already doing the job of being your boyfriend while popping Molly, doing Sarah and sexting ex #6, that you found out what they are up to? They will likely get defensive, have an excuse like:
“Are you serious right now? I was PLANNING on buying you a gift and surprising you and THAT’S why I was asking her what color her thong was! You need to get a hold of yourself” and they will attempt to make you feel stupid, crazy and embarrassed. Or, they will say something like “You obviously don’t trust me! You have major issues. I can’t do this any more unless you go get some help because there is no way I can be in a relationship if I’m not trusted! I trusted you completely and this is the thanks I get?!”
To a certain extent, they are right and have a valid point. You do have trust issues and yes, that is an issue, BUT your trust issues didn’t make them do what they did.
Because you have a tumultuous relationship with trust, that doesn’t change the fact that they were watching barnyard porn and sexting their ex while being on Tinder.
Whether this was a one time thing or snooping is a habit for you, It’s a highly addictive habit that hurts you more than anyone.
You’ll get to a point where you’ll begin to believe that nobody is to be trusted, that you have to secretly “screen” everyone that you have a close relationship with and you end up draining your happiness and any gratitude you have left in the process.
I get that we all want to feel safe, but that’s the thing about boundaries – if you had healthy boundaries, you’d feel the safety that you’re after. You would be able to find security in yourself and your decisions when the world around you is crashing down because you make decisions, act upon them and empower yourself.
You can’t claim to have healthy boundaries, respect for others, and trust while continuing to snoop and giving zero f*cks about other people’s boundaries, respect and privacy.
Don’t take the information that you found when you snooped as an indication that you are not enough and that if only you were better or more, this wouldn’t have been going on and then use the information to play a messed up game of you making all these efforts to try to “be better,” “be sexier,” “be more understanding and cool,” and then snooping a few days later just to see if it “worked.” It never will.
This guy did this before you, with you, and he will continue to do it after you.
Even if he has been the world’s greatest boyfriend to you and you would have had no idea of his indiscretions if you hadn’t snooped, do you really want to stick around knowing what you now know? Last time I checked, “believable actor” wasn’t on my list of attributes my dream guy would have. You made the mistake, you snooped and you now know who you’re your dealing with. WHY sit this guy down, open your heart and explain to him what you did and what you know? You’re never going to get the “OMG babe, I’m so sorry!” response and if you do, the apology will be empty.
When we find out that we’ve been snooped on (even if we are residing in a glass house pitching stones at 100 mph), we get defensive and upset that our private property was accessed without our knowledge or permission.
He obviously already has one foot out the door (be it emotional or physical), if he’s being deceptive and disloyal. So, why give this guy a reason to breakup with you and blame YOU? Why give him a license to tell everyone that you guys broke up because of your “issues” and that you were the psycho that went through his phone.
DO ME A FAVOR: Think about the most dynamic characters in the movies. Dynamic characters make up the best films because they are interesting to watch and they engage an interested audience that’s on the edge of their seat. Let’s think 007. When James Bond snoops and finds out a key piece of information about the opposing force, does he give it all away, make them some tea, take them to the beach, lay down a blanket, have some wine and grapes and “have a talk?” Of course he doesn’t. He might get shot! He takes the information that he has gathered, remains calm, steady, quiet, strong and he ACTS. That is what dynamic characters do.
Bottom line: If feeling “okay” and “safe” in your relationships involves snooping, you will always be doing so without your dignity. You snooped? Alright, don’t beat yourself up over it. I’ve snooped and
sometimes I still do, but if you are prepared to snoop, you also need to be prepared to act. Not use the information as a tool to cause passive misery and drama.
People can’t help but communicate who they are and what they know. You sticking around knowing something and not giving it up isn’t fair to you or your partner. It’s just going to creative an unhealthy and combative environment. You’re going to be angry and question every fart he releases and he’s going to crazy label you and continue to do more of what he’s already doing.