Me to myself last week: “I need help. This is the end. No really, this is it.”
I was eventually able to help myself and get out of what I was struggling with. There’s still a part of me though that feels like it’s just a matter of time before I’m back in the prison of paranoia once again.
There I’ll be – hanging onto the certainty of my own awareness while feeling trapped in the same minimized state of emotional reduction that I write about and help men and women get out of, every day.
For 2 days last week, I experienced the worst kind of anxiety. I hadn’t felt this way in 7, 8 years… maybe more. I don’t remember the last time I felt that anxiety but as far back as I CAN remember, I would always engage in what caused it up until I made a committed decision to change my life in my early 20s. Not only had it become second nature growing up… It was my only means of emotional survival as a kid.
During those “I need help,” 2 days last week, I experienced a psychological hangover fuelled by this exhausting, involuntary re-hashing, catastrophizing, fear, “what if-ing,” and grief as a result of having to live through what felt like my own death in real time.
There’s a term in the medical community called “anesthesia awareness.” It’s a rare condition where the patient wakes up during their own surgery. In the majority of cases, the patient can’t feel anything, but they can hear what’s going on. They can also feel pressure, pulling and cutting sensations, and are aware of their surroundings but are unable to speak or move.
Last week, I went into an important meeting that I knew was a very routine “surgical” procedure, but I experienced emotional anesthesia awareness about halfway in.
And it had nothing to do with the other party.
I knew that the meeting went really well – In fact, I didn’t know how it could have gone any better or been more of a breeze in regard to the connection that was made. It was one of the best meetings I’ve ever had and I felt great…
Until an old feeling decided to resurrect from the emotional graveyard of my past a few hours into the evening.
There was no way. It couldn’t be – I thought this feeling was dead and gone. I had murdered and buried it years ago.
I thought that maybe it was just a ghost of bullsh*t past – up until the paranoia got so bad, I felt like I was going to throw up at every turn. This was a full-blown resurrection.
It got to the point where I said to myself “I need help.”
I’m not scared to ever ask for or admit I need help – from myself first and foremost. I think I’ve Google’d “I need help,” “I want it all to end,” “I’m lost,” and “What to do if you serve no purpose,” “I hate myself,” “How to stop caring what people think,” “I want to die,” “No one notices me,” more times than I could ever count.
I get asked all the time from readers: “Natasha, what’s it like to never feel insecure or scared or triggered or heartbroken? It must be so nice.”
Newsflash: As I’ve said many times before – I’m human, I’m fallible, and I still feel every.single.one of those feelings. The only difference between now and years ago is that those normal triggers and emotions that we ALL feel, no longer permeate to the point of paralysis.
I wasn’t paralyzed last week but I was definitely stuck.
I was stuck in the mud of a trigger that was so intense, I realized that I have literally built myself, my business, my friendships, my romantic relationship, and my life around invalidating the need for it.
I did this through the awareness of my own self-administered anesthesia wearing off halfway through that meeting.
Here’s what happened and how I finally uprooted my most dangerous trigger of all…
I knew that this meeting was about pitching – I would have to pitch myself, my brand, my upcoming book, and my baby… this blog.
There was no anxiety associated with it other than excitement because I’m solid in the knowingness that WE ALL have built this incredible community and tribe. I’m proud of how I’ve been able to expand the brand on my own. I have nothing to hide as far as the Uber-driving paychecks it was built from and how successful it has become as a result of my obsession with getting people answers, out of pain and suffering… And you all connecting with me, my work, and each other.
So, back to the meeting – I pitched my entire life, myself, my blood, my sweat, my tears, my hopes, my dreams… my everything. And it went really well.
I left feeling great.
A few hours later, the “I need help” anxiety started to kick in.
It didn’t matter how great the meeting went – I felt like I had acquired some sort of psychological B.O. and no matter how many showers of reassurance I tried to take, it just kept getting worse.
This wasn’t about me feeling like I bombed the meeting at all. It was all internal – all my own stuff. I started to remember times in my life that I felt this exact way.
I call it reduction – You get into a situation and no matter how positive it is, you get reduced back to a very painful and familiar dynamic of your past.
I couldn’t get out of my own head. I thought about the meeting and wanted to vomit. I felt like I was some name-dropping, braggadocios a*shole. I hated it.
No one could tell in the meeting, but I hated having to talk about what I do and who I know, what I’ve made, my story, my numbers, how many celebs hire me, how many clients I have all over the world and how many preorders and everything. I just hated it. It’s not me. I promised myself years ago that I’d never pitch myself again. I’d rather be alone.
I knew the logical answer to this all but it didn’t matter. I hated that I had to do it and because I did it, I hated myself and started to question everything.
I realized that the dynamic of that meeting internally reduced me down to how I felt as a child in a lot of horrible situations.
It reduced me down to exactly how I felt in scholastic, romantic, and friendship dynamics growing up.
Having to go into “sales mode” in regard to myself reduced me down to feeling like the performing seal I was as a child for my family, in school for my teachers and classmates, and in the majority of my friendships and romantic relationships.
Whenever I showed an ounce of vulnerability as a child, the reactions I got from others did nothing but affirm that I was a much better seal than I was ever going to be a girl who was desired, empathized with, worthy, and enough.
So, I became a liar and started to pitch myself in grandiose ways that I could never back up. The trauma and embarrassment associated with years of delusion, fear, and lying, eventually motivated me to built what I can now back up – without having to put on a dog and pony show or say a word.
I’m allergic to the feeling that pitching myself elicits. And I’ve done everything I can to make sure I never have to do so.
And I haven’t.
It’s been really nice not having to be my own hype beast for anyone.
You should NEVER, EVER have to pitch yourself relationally. Period. Your pitch is comprised of your actions, your tolerations, your boundaries, and the level to which you match what you say with what you do – NOT the level to which you feel like you have to audition, perform, and illicit “oooh’s and ahhh’s” from f*cktard people or anyone for that matter.
It is an awful thing to have to hype yourself up and brag and put your achievements/attributes on display – relationally AND professionally.
This meeting taught me that YES, I write a blog about choosing YOU and the relationship that you have with yourself first and foremost – but sometimes in life, other people have to choose us – for a position, a promotion, a sale, a job, etc.
In these circumstances, we have to remember that while we want to be chosen, we ALWAYS have the right to CHOOSE who we want to deal with and invest our emotional energy in. Fortunately for me, the company across the table was invested – And I take so much comfort in knowing that if I’m not in good, respectful, and receptive company… I’ll always have my own back to the point utilizing the nearest exit.
This was good. I just needed to stop allowing my “sales mode” trigger from jeopardizing my professional destiny. I had done it relationally – WHY COULDN’T I do it professionally?
Where do you go into “sales mode” and why?
Unless you’re soulless or completely deranged, it feels wrong to have to pitch yourself in any way, but it’s necessary in some circumstances in life. If it makes you feel bad, that’s a good thing: It shows how modest and connected and well-grounded you are.
Sometimes you have to do it – Just don’t EVER do it with friends, family, and lovers. It will come at a cost that you’ll never be able to afford.
Dignity will always be too high of a price tag.
And when you do have to pitch yourself, it’s important to remember to do it with confidence – If only because there are so many arrogant people out there with no self-knowledge who are selling themselves hard. And in some instances in your professional life, you may have to shut them down.
But usually, once you’ve done it – Once you’ve got your book deal or your agent or the promotion or job or whatever it is you’re going for, you don’t have to do it again for a while. I had one of my closest friends remind me that this is a temporary thing…
“Most importantly, Natasha: In your, case you are telling the truth. You *have* done the things you say you’ve done, you do have those clients, you have helped those people… And the reason you’re talking about it in this context is so you can do more of it and help more people on a bigger scale. It’s not like you’re stopping random people in the street and saying “Hey, do you know what a big deal I am?” You deserve this. You’ve earned it.”
And just like that… my trigger was uprooted.
Ask yourself: “What situations emotionally reduce me?” and REMIND yourself, each and every day…
“The fact that I have survived my pain, my past, and myself makes me irreplaceable and irreducible.”
Big love to you all 🙂