“Why don’t I have any friends?” I’ve said this to myself countless times, even when I had friendships in my life. I felt lonely, misunderstood and never felt like I had a friend that gave or was willing to give and do for me what I would always so willingly give/do at the drop of a dime.
I was the overzealous “how high?!!” panting puppy when any of my friends even HINTED at “jump.”
There are times in my life where I’ve felt more alone in friendships and relationships than if I were to physically be alone… sitting in a cardboard box… with no wifi… no cell phone… in the middle of nowhere.
And that’s the thing about friendsh*ts and relationsh*ts – they don’t ever prove to be anything more than a very temporary emotional pacifier; a bandage on rapidly growing cancer that ultimately highlights the one thing they’re supposed to erase: The “I have no friends,” “is it just me?” “am I the only one who feels this way?” LONELINESS.
I used to have a ton of friends, literally. I had a cell phone full of people that I could call and social media profiles that proved to the world how friendly and bff/maid of honor/bridesmaid/ride or die capable I was. I had plans every night of the week (for even the most mundane stuff); always someone to talk to, listen to or problem solve for.
I collected friendsh*ts because to me, they were badges; purple hearts of negation and exoneration.
1 part negation + 1 part exoneration soon =’d the gasoline that my emotional engine couldn’t function without.
Because we always attract what we exude and our relationships will forever mirror the one that we have with ourselves, I had no choice but to rely on QUANTITY.
I assumed that a high volume of friends was a precursor to relational quality.
And because I had so many “friendships,” I used the high number of friendsh*ts that I had procured to play the ultimate, Mortal-Combat-mind-f*ckery on myself.
As I’ve said before, no one has ever mind f*cked, hurt or screwed me over more than I have to myself. As long as I had all of these “friendships,” it negated and “proved wrong,” that the problem was EVER me – in my romantic relationships, business, familial relationships and LIFE.
I couldn’t attract a connected, empathetic and mutual romantic relationship to save my life, but as long as I had a rolodex full of “friendships,” it completely shut down the possibility of me ever being the problem. I mean… if I was capable of THIS MANY amazing friendships, I was clearly capable of being (and attracting) an amazing parter in a romantic sense.
There was a huge problem though… everything that these friendsh*ts seriously LACKED, I was not only incapable of, but these incapabilities of mine were tenets that are integral to the kind of romantic relationship I felt spoiled-brat entitled to.
Intimacy, empathy, connection, meaning… NONE of these existed in my friendsh*ts because they didn’t exist in the relationsh*t I had with myself.
Failure truly is success without intimacy, meaning or connection.
This bullsh*t exoneration proved to be about as ridiculous as using my baby blanket as a comforter for my grown adult bed and then complaining about the lack of warmth. I felt lost without my “binky” of emotional vampiric, fake friends and soon became the living, breathing definition of emotional thumb sucking. I couldn’t do anything alone and felt worthless without a “friend” by my side. It was a bad look – but ONLY to the RIGHT kind of people (the kind of people that I so wanted to attract). To the other sheep, I was just making my way to MVP-status of a game in which the house always wins.
Having a lot of girl friends busied me up to the point where I didn’t have to deal with myself. I was always caught up in some drama… doing something lame, spending money I didn’t have or being someone’s on-call, “I’ll be right over!” therapist or cheerleader (never my own).
It also enabled me to start equating being needed with being wanted, which made me a sitting duck/magnet for romantic relationships.
Soon, the “numbers” and social media stats lost their luster, as I began to incur the cost of investing in and spreading an un-spreadable investment over the friendship masses. I was left with low quality, lackluster, zero-connection-but-please-tag-me-in-your-photo, FLUFF.
And at that moment I realized… “I have no friends.”
Today, I have no friends (I’ll explain).
I keep to myself MUCH more, but I have the most profound, magical, layered, dimensional, MUTUAL and gratifying relationships that I never thought I could have.
Here’s how + why the “I have no friends” realization isn’t really that bad.
Here’s what I’ve learned about the “I have no friends” feeling/realization + why keeping your circle small is the only way to go:
Today, I have no friends.
I have a few close relationships in my life (4 to be exact), that are so meaningful to me, referring to these people as a “friend,” would be an insult at this point. These are the family that I’ve chosen for myself, the lights that amplify my own and the mates, who my soul has recognized from day 1. How did I finally attract this level of quality? I first learned to enjoy my own company – I stopped auditioning in my relationships, started connecting and soon… quantity started to give me an emotional gag reflex because I had already tasted the heaven of quality.
Of course, I have a lot of acquaintances in my life that I hang out with from time to time. These are people that I genuinely care about and enjoy. However, these relationships now have a more realistic place in my life. They aren’t my priority because I’m no longer looking for volume to = meaning. I’m thus able to appreciate my acquaintance relationships on a zero-stress level because I have no expectations and there’s no longer this lurking background pressure to somehow grow a rose garden out of cement.
As your circle gets smaller, the value of the ones in it exponentially increases.
If you’re thinking “I have no friends,” it’s because whatever friendships you’ve had/have lack meaning, connection and value. Tighten your circle, EVEN IF that means you’re the only one in it for the time being. Stop watering dead plants (friendsh*ts) and start watering YOU with YOU. Your health, new-found happiness and “I-can’t-believe-this-is-real-life,” future will thank you. Friendship isn’t a numbers game. It’s part of the JOY of being – not the bullsh*t/drama/never appreciated/MISERY of being. I keep my circle sooo small, but the level of trust, joy, meaning and connection makes me PROUD of that number, never ashamed or anxious.
What really matters in life.
If you’re in friendsh*ts where you feel undervalued, unappreciated, never truly understood and perpetually fearful of abandonment, wtf’s the point? It took me having a serious health scare years ago, getting off my emotional ass and CREATING a life of my own, to realize that I only have so much time, energy and capacity. I became very aware of who I was spending my time with, how it affected me and where I was thus channeling my thoughts, beliefs and actions.
You’ll attract soulmate-status relationships in your life when you surrender.
Surrender to the “I have no friends.” Surrender to your dysfunction, your patterns and quietly observe it all until you’re so sick of it, you become more fearful of staying on the treadmill going nowhere than you are of potentially falling, but finally being OFF.
Own it, FEEL every ounce of it and then REALIZE THIS – You’ve been rolling with the most badass BFF all along: YOU. You are the only one who’s been with you through it ALL. And here you are… still right by your own side.
Once you start to enjoy your own company, don’t be surprised by the allergic reaction that others have to your evolution. I coach a billionaire and he’s one of the loneliest people I know (except when he’s around other billionaires, which is few and far between). When you’re a billionaire, it’s hard for even your millionaire friends to be able to afford the things you like to do, so… everything is generally always on your dime.
When you become an emotional billionaire, you realize that engaging with the friendsh*t masses is always going to be on your emotional dime. And just like that… It doesn’t seem so attractive any longer. Substance starts to outweigh meaningless numbers, “likes,” “comments,” and having Friday night plans that only highlight your loneliness.
If you’re thinking to yourself “I have no friends,” and you’re working on loving yourself, having your own back and obliterating stagnation through evolution, consider this…
I can’t tell you how many readers from across the world have made the most profound, soul-mate status friendships on this site, through the comments section below the posts. You are never alone and if you ever find yourself in “no-one-gets-me,” friendsh*t hell, guess what?…
There’s someone reading these very words with you, right now, who’s soul can recognize yours.