“I can’t stop thinking about my ex!” You are not going crazy. I repeat, you are NOT going crazy.

“A heartbroken person is unlike any other person. Their time moves at a completely different pace than ours. It’s this mental, physical, emotional ache and feeling so conflicted. Nothing distracts you from it. Then time passes, and the more you live your life and create new habits, you get used to not having a text message every morning saying, ‘Hello, beautiful. Good morning.’ You get used to not calling someone at night to tell them how your day was.” – Taylor Swift

It’s totally normal to be ex addicted, even after months have passed (it once took me almost 18 months to get off the “I can’t stop thinking about my ex,” train). After a breakup, your ex becomes the default setting that you mentally and emotionally go to no matter what happens. Whether you’re trying to get back out there and date or just staying single for the time being – you’re unhappy and in a constant state of pain, anxiety, and rehashing. Everyone you meet is a highlighter (they do nothing more than highlight the absence of your ex), and it sucks.

Thinking back to when I’ve found myself in the “I can’t stop thinking about my ex”…

I realize now that a lot of the certainty I felt in the fact that I’d never find anyone like my ex and that I’d never be happy again, was grossly over exaggerated. It was nothing even close to factual and heavily convoluted by the fog of my desperation and nonexistent self-esteem.

All I wanted to do was reach indifference.

As the saying goes, “hate is not the opposite of love.” Deep-seated emotion is still involved with hate. Indifference is the holy grail because indifference is basically not giving a sh*t either way. It’s being healthily emotionless. Indifference is not about wishing someone well or ill – it’s running out of f*cks to give.

Doesn’t THAT sound nice?

When you’re indifferent, you are at peace with the toxic relationship that was. This is why when we reach authentic indifference, many exes come shamelessly (or passively), crawling back.

We are all energetic beings and the second that someone can sense our indifference as genuine (and not as a means to elicit a reaction/drama), they panic because they know right then, that they are no longer in control and that you are no longer a bench warming option.

Human nature 101: people ALWAYS want what they can’t have/let slip away. This is true even if you’re not in communication with your ex. Energy always transcends conventional communication because energy is our only way of truly communicating.

I remember a few months after a really bad breakup, I was still in “I can’t stop thinking about my ex” mode. It was bad. Fast forward to a year later, it hit me one day that I hadn’t been thinking about him, AT ALL. And I was okay with it. My addiction was gone and I was finally clean.

Is there really a way to deprogram “I can’t stop thinking about my ex” mode?

Is there anything you can do to speed up your recovery time and end the ex addiction so that you don’t waste another year (or more) that you’ll never get back?

How do you get clean once and for all?

 How To Stop Thinking About An Ex? Here’s What You Need To Do:

Understand that you’re a junky. Yes, you’re an addict and the first step to recovery is acknowledgment. Denial is a dangerous place to reside and it goes hand-in-hand with delusion. If you can’t stop stalking his social media, that’s okay. I’m not asking you to stop (impossible, I know). I’m asking you to be real with yourself as far as your ex addiction goes. That’s the first step.

If it’s an emotionally unavailable ex that has you on “I can’t stop thinking about my ex” mode, you need to understand:

  • You’re missing the IDEA of him more than you’re actually missing him. Let’s be honest, If you characterized him by his actions instead of continuing to hang onto his words, you’d realize that the person you are actually missing doesn’t exist in reality. Make sure that you’re mourning the loss of the person that you thought existed, not the loss of a toxic person that does. He unfolded and revealed who he truly is. He was this guy before you, with you, and he will continue to be the same guy with her. It’s so hard to let go because you’re not just letting go of him physically, you’re letting go of him emotionally. You’re letting go of the man that he promised you he was, all while trying to grasp and accept who he clearly and consistently is.
  • The kick-the-dog Scenario. Still in “I can’t stop thinking about my ex” mode?” Do you blame yourself and think that you not being good/pretty/sexy/understanding/secure/cool/porno/classy/intelligent enough “made” him do what he did? Think of it this way: If I got you mad enough, could you ever get so mad that you would kick your dog? I hope everyone responds with an outraged “No way!” Unfortunately, there are people in this world that if they got mad enough, they’d get into such a rage that they’d kick their dog. There’s nothing in this world that could ever get me mad enough to hurt an animal. To be able to kick the dog when you’re angry, you must have the preexisting capacity to do so. I don’t have that capacity, so as angry as someone could make me, I’d never take my anger out on an animal. No one can “make” you kick the dog. They can only provide an environment where you get angry. What you choose to do with the anger is up to you. So getting back to your ex, you didn’t “make” him do anything. Could your insecurities, your drama, and your distrust have motivated him to dump you? Absolutely. But they didn’t (nor will they ever) have the power to MAKE him lie, cheat, be emotionally unavailable, disrespectful and devalue you. They didn’t “make” him be a piece of sh*t. The ability to “kick the emotional dog,” when triggered had to be PREEXISTING and that ability doesn’t just go away. It may lie dormant for a while, but the capacity to do so is always within them – independent of other people. He will eventually be the same way with her.
  • All of that happiness that you felt in the relationship? YOU created that by seeing what you wanted to see (projecting), putting him on a pedestal, and deciding to be a professional red flag ignorer. It’s easy to let go of reality, your pride, and your reputation, just as it’s easy to hold onto heartbreak, hopelessness, abandonment, and rejection. It’s much more difficult to let go of anger, disappointment, pain, and the coulda, woulda, shoulda’s. Stop being an emotional hoarder.
  • Stop having sex with your projections. You basically just had an emotional orgy with your projections. If your self-esteem was intact, you wouldn’t fall in love with projections, you’d fall in love with character and distance yourself from an absence of it. Character = PATTERS (that are comprised of actions) and words that consistently MATCH those patterns in REALITY (not in your hopes, imagination, potential, and dreams).
  • The only way that the relationship could ever “work” is if it’s 1000% on his terms. It’s always all about him. The only way that you’ll ever have a “relationship” with him is if you not only agree to everything being on his terms (which is called a non-mutual relationship) but also if you accept the way in which he has consistently acted and behaved. If his actions were hurtful and deceitful, then that means accepting his behavior won’t make you happy, so… really, what’s the point?
  • The reason that you’re having such a hard time shutting off “I can’t stop thinking about my ex” mode, is because to get clean, you’d have to truly accept your ex for who he is. Sometimes it’s hard to do that because when we finally accept someone for who they are (who they’ve consistently been), it forces us to focus on the one thing that we try with all our might to avoid. The one thing that we abandoned long ago: ourselves.
  • Your willingness to subscribe to your imagination as “truth,” is directly correlated to how much pain you choose to be in and how far from indifference you want to reside. Have I acted on my triggers? Have I been ex addicted? Yes. I own it all, but by remaining in a state of accountability and acknowledgment, I’m able to retain my power in spite of being triggered. You can’t claim to want to reach the road of indifference while making a conscious effort not to even fill your gas tank.

How long does it take to get clean?

It’s different for everyone. Pain is pain and trauma is trauma. It’s all dependent on your triggers and issues. For me, it used to take a really long time to get off of “I can’t stop thinking about my ex” mode.

The points above did not immediately rid me of my ex addiction but they significantly increased my ability to bounce back and ultimately, become indifferent.

Make the decision with me now to stop putting your life on hold over the hope that one day the cat will bark. Cats meow. If you’re stuck on waiting for him to meow, FINE, but why not focus on bettering yourself in the meantime?

Poke a hole in your imagination boat, take him off that pedestal, retire your role as the doormat, and feel every ounce of your pain because it is YOURS and it WILL eventually pass. If you feel like you’ve given up on your Happily Ever After, that’s just because you’ve chosen to give up on yourself. I’m not giving up on you nor is everyone else reading this article. You’re not alone. Sometimes all is takes is just for one person to believe in us.

Do you want to get clean fast? Keep the above in mind & work at it every day by being an active participant in your healing.

This is why they say recovery from addiction is a decision away.

x Natasha

If you can’t stop thinking about my ex and need further and more personalized help with your breakup, please look into working with me here.

WANT TO BECOME THE MOST
BADASS VERSION OF YOURSELF?

Get Natasha’s 7 life-changing & essential boundaries straight to your inbox.
Sign up to receive exclusive content, updates + more.

Your free download has been emailed to you. Please make sure you confirm your email address. 

You May Also Like

54 comments

Reply

Great great post! It’s about living in reality, not a dreamland of the possibilities of where this relationsh*t could have went. I have such a vivid imagination. In fact, as a child being that I was the only child I made pretend that my stuffed animals and my dolls were my friends and I would have full length conversations with them. No different from now, I tend to still imagine what this person who meant so much to me could have contributed to my life. Minus the array of problems, but only the good. Knowing damn for well that the problems trumps the good, but I pictured the opposite. I miss this person so much. I dreamt last night they texted me. Only to realize (back to reality) that they hadn’t. It’s hard, and it’s not that I want them back. I want them to need me like I needed them. I want them to hurt like I’ve hurted for them. I want them to miss me like I’m missing them now. I want to be made aware of these things, I want to take the power back. I think I would feel so much better. It’s been officially a week of NC and I’m counting down every second until I forget that I was even keeping track.

Reply

Thanks Melody!! 🙂 I totally agree, I believe in you and you’re not alone xx

Reply

I am crying. Thank you. For writing, for sharing, for being exactly what I needed in this very moment. I will write more later. Thank you. Really.

Reply

You are not alone. xoxo

Reply

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I printed this out and will be reading it every day. God bless you Natasha.

Reply

GIRL, you have a gift. I related to every sentence of this. I don’t know where I’d be without this blog. You’ve done more for me than 7 years of therapy. Thank you. OH and I just bought that bomber. Happy birthday to me 🙂 Thanks chicka!

Reply

Couldn’t love this more!

Reply

Thanks sister!! XO

Reply

First of all , you look badass in that bomber jacket! And yasssssss! I thought I was going crazy. It’s mindblowing how you can not be in communication with someone and still continuously think about them ! I’m slowly realizing it’s because I didnt accept that the “Prince Charming act” was just a portrayal. My f*cktard should win a damn Oscar. Indifference, here I come 🙂

You’re amazing Natasha!!! Thanks for being so transparent and REAL xoxo

Reply

Bria! Thx so much for the love and for being your beautiful self 🙂 xx

Reply

MELODY-If I hadn’t of looked I could have sworn I wrote your post myself! I’m a bit further along but JUST a bit. I’m a couple of months post fucktard but working on my self-esteem and self-love is WAY harder than getting over his dumbass. Obviously other issues have crept up and I’m muddling through ever so SLOWLY like I’m in a vat of tar. Keep up the NC, if I can do it, YOU CAN DO it! I’ve bullshitted myself until I couldn’t BS myself anymore so now the real work begins. You’re not alone, and like Natasha says, all it takes is SOMEONE to believe in you. I BELIEVE in you and WE will get through this and come out BETTER for it 🙂 ??-Diane

Reply

This makes my heart happy 🙂 xoxo

Reply

Hi Diane! Thanks for the encouragement. It’s been about a month now of NC. Still going strong. I don’t think the NC is what bothers me the most, that’s getting easier. It is the stupid obsessed thoughts and over analyzing that causes me to be sad and anti social sometimes. Ughhh I hate thinking about my ex wondering what is going on in their head. So effing annoying! Just the answers and figuring out and estimations and assumptions that run through my mind. My ex is the last thing on my mind at night and the first thing I think of when I wake up. It’s frustrating because I know my ex is not facing those same withdrawals and analyzing thoughts. In fact my ex probably sleeps great, eats great, laughs and is enjoying life. My ex got a distraction (possible rebound ) so that explains why. Breaks my heart, but like I said, the NC part is easy. It’s my brain that won’t shut the hell off with this ex nonsense. Thanks Diane and stay strong, we are in this together, all of these lovely ladies. We have more to look forward to that worry about this ex drama. But it’s easier said than done, but it starts somewhere.

Reply

Thank you ❤️ I really needed this today

Reply

So glad it helped! Thanks Lynn! XO

Reply

amazing and helpful as always <3 <3 <3 so proud to know you!

Reply

Love u! <3 xo

Reply

Perfect timing! My heart is beginning to heal. My emotions are starting to settle. My self esteem is building. I’m getting over him slowly but surely. Keep writing and I’ll keep reading. Hugs.

Reply

That makes me so happy to hear 🙂 Thanks LaToya! I always love hearing from you. BIG hug back to you! xoxo

Reply

Funny tonight I should read this because I soooo needed to read this as I wiped my tears away. I left him 5 months ago because I realized just how much he had triggered my past traumas. I did no contact for 40days, then texted him, got apologies but nothing more so I wrote him a letter explaining my crap…crickets for 2 months. I cried and cried then I stopped and realized he was just a projection of what I thought he was…I was wrong and I had to accept that he was just another emotionally unavailable man I was so used to. I let him go. He texted me two weeks ago…I ignored it for awhile but I felt the need to reach out so I called, he didn’t answer (thank god) then I realized his text had triggered me again and I knew I was not healed from him or my past. He again texted me the next day told me he was getting ready for a vacation and that he had read my letter and it had touched him but he wasn’t looking to change anything…Seriously?? So I blocked him. Finally. It’s been a week now and I occicilate between feeling empowered and an ass lol but I am holding firm to my own healing and I am so happy I have your site to RUN TO when I feel less then. Thank you Natasha so much! You have helped me more then you could even imagine…in some way saved me from me…my baggage came heavy but I am surviving and thank god smiling!!!

Reply

Thank you so much Tan. You did the right thing and what you’re feeling is normal. Keep coming back here to the blog. You’re not alone xoxo

Reply

Everything that I read in this post makes perfect sense, but somehow I’m having trouble accepting that the guy who was the closest person in my life and he was the first person i’d think to share anything in my life and then over the course of a couple of months he grew distant and became almost like stranger who just knew my name and one day just stopped contacting me and deleted my number. I cant stop thinking that I must have done something to cause that to happen but at the same time a part of me has to admit that the potential for this had to pre-exist at least a little bit. Its just that I find it so hard to believe that the connection we felt wasn’t mutual. Ive been working on myself but I can’t shake this feeling that I wont get anyone else like him, he had *almost* everything i would wish for in my dream man and now it feels like im too old at 32 to get another someone like that again.We havent been in touch at all for almost 2 months but i still think about him constantly and dream of him often .Do I just give myself more time to heal?

Reply

Hi Sasha! Yes, just give yourself more time and don’t take credit for his actions and inactions. I know how hard it is and how much it hurts. You’re not alone. Give yourself time to heal and keep coming back here to the blog xoxo

Reply

Hi Sasha, I feel the same way, except mine has been 2 years post break up. I’d love to keep in touch with you. Email me at bijangirl@yahoo.com

Reply

Hi Sasha, I feel the same way, except mine has been 2 years post break up. I’d love to keep in touch with you. Email me at bijangirl@ yahoo.com

Reply

I love this blog! Thank you so much for sharing your gift Natasha, you’re my inspiration! My ex dumped me about a month ago and he’s already in a long distance relationship with a woman that is 10 hours from where we live. He future faked me, used me and lied to get what he wanted. I gave him and his children 110% and it still wasn’t good enough for him. I still love him and it’s been so hard to get over him but I know it is a blessing that he dumped me and I can move on with my life and hopefully find the “one” I’m supposed to be with. I have stayed on my “white horse” since he dumped me and have had absolutely no contact at all for a month. I hope he regrets losing me. Thank you so much for sharing your stories and experience I don’t feel so alone in all of this.

Reply

Hi Heather! You are never alone. You’re part of a tribe here and you are loved and supported. Thank you so much for sharing. I’m inspired by your strength and I know how hard this is, but you have the right attitude and you’re doing the right thing by having your own back, staying on your white horse and taking care of yourself. XOXO

Reply

I’m so glad I’m apart of this tribe! Love you Natasha!

Reply

Love you too sister xo

Reply

Hi I’m new to the blog, you gave me a lot of hope in my journey that it will end soon, obsessing,crying and thinking about my ex lover,partner, boyfriend, friend, Imdunot know he changed the rules everyday, he was a narccisst, lying, cheater, who scripted the relationship like no other movie you could watch, I was completely in a fog the whole time, he could even text women right under my nose and I would go in to trance mode and deny seeing it, the whole has left the state but made one last phone call to me, hook up I suppose, I never answered it, prior to that I told him that I wished he wouldn’t leave and that I loved him, what a desperate fool, he was nothing but the town dog in heat, on top of this he had a mysterious homosexual male pop up on two of our dates, never introduced him, he would just sit across the bar or tables and stare, so my guess he was bi too! What a freak and I am forever scarred from this android thank you for reading

Reply

I’m happy that the blog has helped! Thank you for reading and for being part of this tribe 🙂 xo

Reply

My f***tard wants to be friends and says he cares for me so much and we get on so well. This is after he split up with me and three weeks later took a new girl to Paris. What is with all this BS? I’m in no contact since that offer of “friendship” and it felt really good to reject him. But it is still so painful. Why do we cry over such idiots? I wish I could warn this new woman. The anxiety each morning and the loneliness – I’ve never felt it before. I know it takes time I just wish someone could magic me to that place.

Reply

Hi Annie! Keep coming back here to the blog. I know it’s hard. You’re loved, supported, believed in and never alone. xx

Reply

“Could your insecurities, your drama and your distrust have motivated him to dump you? Absolutely, but they didn’t have the power to MAKE him lie, cheat, be emotionally unavailable, disrespectful and devalue you. They didn’t “make” him be a piece of sh*t.”
THANK YOU
I’m French.
My ex cheated on me during a business trip in Malaysia and when I discovered the OW calls, he asked for forgiveness.
I was facing illness, feeling tired all the time, couldn’t move freely, had to stop working …. so I really needed his support. Well, for 6 months after D-day he lied to my face and pretended to care while he still was pursuing her, texting her, sending videos, pictures I took of him when we would go out together in Paris, in restaurants or on weekends (I discovered that he used me AFTER the break up, she profusely blogged about it…).
Worst part is, all that time, she knew he had someone. I had texted her.
No worst part is that, he made me choose a new wardrobe (“‘cauz it’s hot and wet out there”) during those months, projecting that he could seduce her when he would go back there for another longer business trip,few months later .
No, no, worst part is she had the nerves to email me that she wanted to stay “out of this mess” while I was hospitalized and he started to “officially” date her 2 weeks after the break up.
Or maybe, worst part was seeing him advertise on Facebook, 2 months post break a Christmas party with her friends in his -work rented- temporary residence where all the guys involved were identified as +1

Yeah, he definitely CHOSE to kick the animal. Thank you for the perfect illustration of it’s true self. I shall cherish it so I can use it as a reminder of it’s fuc*ness each time I want to fool myself with any fantasy.
Good job, really

Reply

I’m so happy that it helped! All my love to you soul sister 🙂 xx

Reply

OH, and, worst part is, we had together for eight years when it all happened

Reply

Keep coming back here to the blog. You are loved, supported, backed, believed in and never alone. xxxx

Reply

Wow! Thanks for this article. I just came across it seeking some help in getting over my ex as it is seriously affecting my life and after reading it, I feel better. It actually describes me and my feelings to a T. I was like “What? Did she write this about me?” I know the road will be a hard one, but I will reread the points you made to hopefully ease some of the pain. Thanks again! Here’s to hoping indifference will come soon.

Reply

So happy it helped! 🙂 Thanks Maria! XOXO

Reply

Oh, I needed this post today so bad as well as the one about not having a closure. I was doing ok and suddenly a huge relapse. I started stalking his fb again when I know that all it does is make me feel sick and miserable. He is not worth my tears, my time or the space he still has in my body, heart and soul. I am better than him and better without him. He created the perfect illusion for me to fall in love with, was a master manipulator and managed to dupe me and everyone around me. He still blatantly posts about honesty and integrity as if he had any right to it all the while he leads a double or even a triple life. His honey trap is to present himself as someone vulnerable which makes all his lies so believable. He is a thief who tried to steal a piece of my sanity. I need to be whole again. His life is a shit show but I am free and I am kind. Thank you Natasha. You are the knight in shining armor on your white horse. You have no idea just how much your posts are showing me the light at the end of the tunnel.

Reply

Hi Michelle! I’m honored to have helped. Keep coming back here to the blog every time you want to go ob fb. You are loved, understood, appreciated, supported and never, ever alone. Thank you for the love and for being a part of this tribe. 🙂 xx

Reply

I was in a same sex relationship she was my world we were getting married this year. After arguments she called time on us then after a month wanted to try again during a month we were together it was clear that nothing had changed so I walked away with my heart bleeding again. She proceeded to text me enough for me to get interested then she decided that we should get on with our own lives. Suitably destroyed again I told her no more contact and left the area. I’m 5 weeks no contact and it’s driving her mad. Glad I found this page it’s helped to know I’m not alone. Thankyou girls xx

Reply

Happy it helped! You are loved, supported, backed, believed in and never, ever alone. Thanks for being a part of this tribe Tanya 🙂 All my love to you. xx

Reply

I literally googled “why do I feel like I’m going crazy over my ex” and I found your article! Haha! It really helped me realize I’m not alone and I’m not the only one hurting. I’m 34 and when I met him I thought, FINALLY I found the one. But alas, things didn’t turn out as I had planned. Lately, I’ve been constantly trying to figure out where things went wrong or could I/we have done things differently to prevent it. But all that’s doing is driving me crazy!! Everyday it gets better, but it’s still super hard. Hoping I will be indifferent very soon! Thanks for the article!

Reply

YAY so happy it helped 🙂 Thanks for being a part of this tribe Jessie. You are loved, appreciated, understood, supported and never, ever alone. xoxo

Reply

Gosh it has been over a year since I broke up with my ex because of his emotional unavailability and I still think about him every single day. I have read hundreds of articles trying get over him and this one hits home. You described how I feel PERFECTLY and after reading the comments I don’t feel so crazy or alone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Reading this article got me out of a serious funk, and I will be revisiting when I need a reminder. Thank you!

Reply

I am so happy and honored to help! 🙂 Thanks Haley – for being a part of this tribe and for being the light that you are. You are never alone. xx

Reply

Thank you, Natasha.

Reply

Happy it helped 🙂 xo

Reply

I love this article so much I bookmarked it! Although written for women and the references are to a “him” I found the reasoning to be so on point with my own struggles that it helped me, a male, tremendously. We too obsess over our ex’s and can struggle to move on. And I realize I miss the “image” I created of her, the same image I created to justify staying in the sh*t show for so long. Ultimately, as this article points out, it was my own insecurities and feelings of inadequacy that made me “need” her and it’s that validation I’m obsessed over and missing and not what she brought into my life and the relationship (because it wasn’t much). So many thanks!

Reply

Hi Colby!

Thank you 🙂 I’m happy that the post helped! I write from the perspective of a woman but cannot tell you how many incredible male readers are a part of this tribe. Thanks for taking the time to share, for your love support, and for being YOU.

Reply

Natasha, I can’t really express in words how much your posts have helped me! Thank you for sharing your insights and lessons with us! You are truly a day maker and inspiration. These posts help those who have been broken up with, but also those who chose to end the relationship. I chose to end a toxic long-term relationship two months ago, but that doesn’t mean it is easy. Thank you for helping me see the big picture in those moments of pain, confusion and regret. I try to live by the motto “Be the bright spot in someone’s day, not the straw that breaks their back.” Thanks for emulating that motto in your blog every day. Love and light to you and all the readers.

Reply

Hi Brittany!

I am so happy that the posts have helped! It takes one to know one – You are incredible 🙂

I love you, I love your motto, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart from being a part of this tribe. XOXO

Reply

Hi Natasha. I came to this article as a guy dealing with a similar situation. The article has definitely given me some insight and fuel to help me move on. However, I’ve also been realizing over the last several months, that I was that emotionally unavailable guy to my ex. I wasn’t supportive or there when she needed me the most and I turned my back on her so many times. What advice would you give to a guy who realizes he did these things and wants to change, not even necessarily to get my ex back, but just to be a better person who can listen to his heart and not shut down emotionally all the time? I struggle with depression and it makes it hard sometimes, but I dont want that to be an excuse and if I ever do get her back in my life one day or find someone new later on, I dont want to make the same mistakes.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *