This post is an open letter to you. The you that has had it with being nice at the expense of your self-respect. The you that feels ashamed and insecure; beaten down by everyone and everything that you work so hard to uplift. The you that gives people credit that they have not earned. The you that feels defective. The you that feels forgotten. The you that has lost faith. The you that does not believe “husband material” is anything more than an urban myth at this point. The you that feels invisible. The you that doesn’t think she can hold on much longer. This is for you.  

You have time, but you no longer have one minute of it to waste.

It took me over two decades to realize I had given more power to the opinions of others than I ever did in coming up with an original thought of my own.

Nothing feels worse than not knowing who the f*ck you are. Nothing feels worse than allowing toxic people to create an identity for you. Nothing feels worse than having to tolerate your way through life; having to pretend to be someone you’re not because it hurts less than being abandoned.

Nothing feels worse than no standards.

The turning point is when you realize that you actually have all the power that you think you lack. You have the power of choice.

Not after you buy a ticket to a seminar or purchase a course or subscribe to a mailing list… Now.

You are one decision away from a new identity, a new life, and a new you. You are one decision away from attracting the husband material that you have all but given up on. You are one decision away from losing all of the emotional weight you’ve gained and unclogging your relational arteries once and for all. You are one decision away from (finally) exhaling.

You will no longer be held back by the opinions of your family and friends, your background and religion, your coworkers, your ex, and most important… the cynical audience in your head. The audience that convinces you to get back down every time you so much as try to get up. You are about to give that audience the most dignified middle finger of all time. 

Not being able to find true friendships, true love, and husband material is the result of you giving your power away. It’s time to take it back.

You are damaged, but not defective.

You are down, but not defeated.

There is a big difference.

When you’ve done everything right and all you want to find is husband material… after a while, it’s easy to think that men are the problem, that you are the problem, and that you’ll never find your soulmate.

Men are not the problem and it’s not that the stars are refusing to align for you. This is an issue of faulty circuitry (which has drained you of your power).

If the electricity in your home wasn’t working, it would never make you think that all homes are defective and that you’re just not destined to have a home in this life. The same needs to be applied in regard to husband material. And remember, YOU are your own home. Stop building homes in other people. You will end up homeless and locked out of a home that you built, every time.

Many women that I coach can’t understand why their relationships fail… why they always get doormatted… why they always get lied to, cheated on, and why they can’t get a man to commit. The common denominator here is having an affinity for men who are not even relationship material, let alone husband material.

I used to be more attracted to the potential of the blueprints on paper instead of an already-built skyscraper (that I claimed to want and deserve).

As long as you struggle with loving who you are, potential will always be more attractive than actuality. Good guys (who are actual husband material) won’t turn you on. There will always be something that feels “off.” Projects will turn you on.

“Go for actuality and stop hoping for the potential to actualize. Know what your deal- breakers are and don’t compromise. As women, most of us are raised to fall in love with potential. To see enough possibilities in the frog and the beast, to fall in love with the prince they may become, to kiss them and ‘break the spell.’ Consequently, we master the ability to infuse emotion into just about anything. We then romanticize it, sexualize it, idealize it, potentialize it, dramatize it, fall in love with it even when we know it’s not good for us. We gradually convince ourselves to ignore the red and pink flags. Even in the face of personal negative experience with the frogs and unmistakable misbehaviors of the beasts, we doubt and deny our very own reality. Instead, we must know what our deal-breakers are before becoming involved with someone and not negotiate or settle for anything that compromises those deal breakers and our boundaries.” – Tarane (my Mom)

I was able to find, attract (and keep) husband material when I rewired the circuitry that had me hanging on to everything superficial.

My emotional life was dependent on being in a relationship with a certain type of man (they had to have a certain look, personality, success, notoriety, talent, etc.) because I believed that being able to get a guy like that would elevate my status in everyone’s eyes. I didn’t know how to do it on my own.

When it comes to finding, attracting, and keeping husband material…

Don’t be relationally entitled. Dating is not easy and finding a quality man is not as simple as walking out your front door but there ARE incredible men out there.

The reason I always used to say that there were no good men out there was because, as long as I believed that there was no husband material, I didn’t have to change my own behavior.

Go for a guy that you would otherwise never go for. I’m not telling you to settle or that you have to be with someone who physically repulses you. There needs to be an attraction, yes, but make sure that you give someone a chance to become attractive. If you don’t, you’re putting all of your eggs in a basket that will change and fade with time.

Looks, personality, money, degrees, chivalry… these are things that you can’t grow old with. Integrity, character, and emotional availability are immune to the stamp of time. And as you get older, when all of the stuff that you are currently overvaluing has changed and faded…

You’re going to want to be with your best friend.

It’s amazing how attractive someone can become when you give them a chance and get to know them. When you realize that you have a choice to choose a man who is good for you instead of the one who triggers you into a performing circus animal.

How to know if he’s husband material

  • He allows you to be yourself.
  • You don’t feel like you’re at any risk for him recoiling, ghosting, or judging you when you open up to him.
  • He can stand on both emotional, empathetic, financial, and professional feet. He doesn’t need you to be his training wheels.
  • He is supportive of your success – not envious, bitter, and covertly competitive.
  • Just like your happiness is his, so is your heartbreak.
  • He has the same (if not, a better) definition of love, success, monogamy, commitment, communication, and honesty that you do.
  • He wants a relationship – not a transaction.
  • He doesn’t need to rely on bribery, trickery, tactics or giving mixed signals to get attention.
  • He doesn’t equate loving you with dishonoring you.
  • He doesn’t equate desiring you with being at a risk for losing you.
  • His behavior does not validate that of anyone who has ever hurt you in the past.
  • He considers both of you when making decisions – big and small.
  • You share a common moral code/values.
  • BEFORE you are in a committed, monogamous relationship with him, he respects you just as much and communicates just as clearly.
  • He treats animals, children, and the elderly well (without an audience).
  • He’s trustworthy.
  • He’s not possessive and doesn’t get off to inciting jealousy or drama.
  • He doesn’t get a sense of validation by exploiting your need for his.
  • He’s confident, not cocky.
  • He’s more private than grandiose.
  • He’s responsive, not reactionary.
  • He doesn’t gossip.
  • He’s not social media obsessed.
  • His patterns (which are made up of his consistent actions) show how appreciative he is of you.
  • He’s not ambiguous. He’s ambitious – emotionally, relationally, and professionally.
  • He understands that he’s not always in control.
  • He does not have crumbs to throw – only loaves to give.
  • You’re not worried about what the status of your relationship is.
  • There no anxiety about what he’s doing when he’s not with you.
  • The stress-induced nausea associated with dating emotionally unavailable and narcissistic guys isn’t there.
  • There’s no age gap when it comes to emotional and empathetic age between you two.
  • He doesn’t go around telling everyone how good of a guy he is. He just is.
  • He actually wants to be a husband; he wants to get married.

YOU also need to be wife material (my writing is for all genders and orientations so please, sub where you need to here).

We attract what we exude. You can’t expect any one of the above things and not be bringing it to the table as well.

You don’t become all of the above when you meet the right person. You become all of the above and because of that, you meet the right person.

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that just because you’ve been burned in toxic relationships and are single, you can’t get a good man. It means that you have standards and are selective. Having high standards is a lonely place to be, but it translates to the world that you value your opinion over the opinions of others. It means that you have made the choice to not take the same bullsh*t that you used to take in what never should have been called “a relationship” in the first place. It means that you no longer need attention and validation like you do oxygen. You validate yourself. 

You are complete. And when you give a chance to a guy that you never usually would… over time, you’ll see that he is just as complete as you are.

And that will turn you on more than any superficial trait ever could. There will be no more completion of one another because you will complement the whole people that you were, are, and will always be. To me, that is the true definition of a power couple.

I used to care so much about what everyone thought of whoever I was dating. It was because I didn’t know who I was and because of that, my identity became the relationship. When you build yourself up and realize that you have a choice in who you become, you won’t care what others think about you or your partner.

Love is so much more than looks. Make sure they’re attractive on the inside first. Beauty on the inside never fades.

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.  

WANT TO BECOME THE MOST
BADASS VERSION OF YOURSELF?

Get Natasha’s 7 life-changing & essential boundaries straight to your inbox.
Sign up to receive exclusive content, updates + more.

Your free download has been emailed to you. Please make sure you confirm your email address. 

You May Also Like

33 comments

Reply

I would add: speaks respectfully of his exes (otherwise he is not really available – be extra aware of men who say their exes are narcissists), communicates – not retreats through problems (and knows real relationships do not feel great every moment), has a purpose and drive, and has a forgiving spirit.

Reply

Yes! Thanks 🙂 xox

Reply

LOVE!!!!! This resonated with me so deeply, thank you for putting into clear words how I was living before, confused and searching for someone else to give me an identity. It amazes me I truly had now idea I was living this way for the longest time, I was defeated but not destroyed. Thank you for giving me hope and courage to get back up. Every article you write is so profoundly honest, that the hard core truth presents itself as love. The truth and reality becomes a gift. Thank you Natasha!! I am SO incredibly happy you’ve found an amazing partner worthy of you with the traits above, reading those traits warmed my soul because honestly those are all of the things I strive so hard to be daily and just the thoughts of another man valuing them brings me to tears. I do hope I’ll find that too, I have faith I will as I’m focused on becoming my own strong house.
Huge hugs to you!! Xoxoxoxo

Reply

SD,

I wish I could hug you right now. Thank you so much <3 Same here - I had no idea. I was so caught up in all of the wrong things.

You are supported and believed in every step of the way. And you will get back up because you are using defeat as fuel instead of allowing it to use you.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for all of your comments, love, and support. It/you mean the world to me. You have the kind of beauty, strength, and wisdom that will never fade.

I"m so happy to hear that the truth becomes a gift of love. For me, emotional drill Sergentry and brutality in honesty never worked. Compassion did.

I hope that the incredible men commenting on here (and reading the post) read your comment because that's what it all boils down to - giving yourself all of the love and care that you want from others. It is the most attractive thing to non-toxic and available people. It also demotes the superficial.

I love you so much and I know you will find it. I know it <3

Can't wait to meet you in person one day. xxx

Reply

WOW! Thank you. Thanks to Natasha I realized I had been in a relationship with a narcissist – my mother never told me about THEM. And because of her posts she so generously shares, I learned to identify it and how to break free of — and recover from — it.
Now I have a relationship building with a man who is everything you write about above..he is .just very, very busy in his life and that is my only complaint – very little time to see each other. That he is 100 miles away doesnt help.. We will see how that turns out. But at least I can now identify a real husband-quality man when I meet one.

Reply

THIS!! Terri, this is what I live for.

I am so happy to have helped in any way and so incredibly proud of you. You have a healthy outlook, know what you will and will not tolerate, and are having your own back every step of the way on your own white horse.

Thank you so much for taking the time to share and for inspiring me and so many others. I not only couldn’t believe that I didn’t know about *them* but at one point in my life… I was one of *them.* I just never directly hurt others – only myself.

Thank you for being here and for being all that you are <3 So happy that the post was helpful. xox

Reply

Great post! Even though these overlap, from the male perspective I would add:

-They are comfortable being their authentic selves around you at all times, including in front of those they are close with
– They make you feel safe
– They have your back, especially when it comes to THEIR parents/family/friends
– They always want to communicate and be open about any and every thing

Another exercise I found to be invaluable is for both people to make separate lists of their ‘wants’ (would like from their partner) and their needs (absolute deal breakers). Many people take these items as a given, I have found out the hard way if both cannot be honest and either know or bear able to share their list, the relationship will not have a solid base to build upon.

There are few more more lonely than being with someone who does not make me feel safe.

Jeff

Reply

Jeff!

Thank you so much for this addition 🙂 It is so appreciated. Glad you liked the post! It means so much coming from a man that you got something out of it.

Thanks for being you.

Reply

I needed this. I’m in the middle of divorcing a narcissist, and while I’m not even near the point of wanting to find a new potential husband, I’m worried that once I do start dating, I won’t be able to find quality guys. I have been focusing on improving myself and healing the parts of me that attracted my soon to be ex, and I am looking forward to creating a new peaceful life that I love. I tried so hard to make this relationship work, and I gave out chance after chance only to get a few meager crumbs in return. I have so much love to give to someone, and I hope that at some point in the future I will find someone who deserves to be with me and who can meet me at my level. You always seem to write exactly what I need to hear. I’m so glad I found your blog several months ago.

Reply

Claire,

I’m so happy that you are in the process of flushing. And although you are not yet at a place to start dating, you know your worth and what you deserve from here on out because you emanate it. You give that care, love, and respect to yourself – first and foremost.

You are supported, loved, believed in, understood, and not alone in this (or ever). Thank you for being a part of this tribe. Big love to you soul sister. XOX

Reply

Hiya Natasha !! I hope you’re well, knocked it out of the park once again ???? I love this article, it came through just before my lunch today – coincidentally as I’ve recently been thinking about this whole scenario – your articles always synchronise ( Hello universe ??) my colleague was shouting me but I was deeply invested in reading your work to acknowledge him and then again I indulged in your article when I came home ! I wish somebody could have told me all of this 20 years ago it’s AMAZING !!! I’ve read the list over and it makes me see how far I’ve come when I compare my own personal development to your list for “ Husband Material “ I’m totally made up you have met a lovely person as you in turn are lovely inside and out !

I know you’ll have made many women’s / men’s day reading this today and they’ll resonate with everything you’ve said. I feel empowered and on the right path. Thank you from the bottom of my heart – love to you always beautiful lady xxxxxxx ❤️

Reply

Jules!!

HA! I am picturing you ignoring your colleague lol 🙂 It makes me so happy to hear that the post was helpful. That is such a great idea – to compare the list to our own personal development.

Please know that you made MY day with your comment and all of the love that I feel behind it.

You *are* on the right path. Keep going.

And you are never, ever alone. Love you sister. xx

Reply

Thanks for your reply ! I’ve just been reading through all of the comments and your replies and I’ve not stopped smiling ! The power of love jumps off the page.. I look forward to your next post and like many others have said you have helped me tenfold on my journey thank you so much. ❤️
#selflove speak soon Natasha xxxxx

Reply

Love you sis xxxx

Reply

Great read! I enjoyed this so much. Always dropping gems! Thanks Tash! You’re an amazing person!

keiwa
xx

Reply

It takes one to know one! Thanks Keiwa 🙂 Love you. xx

Reply

This post filled my heart and soul with positive hope! My toxic ex has been on my mind a lot lately and I am learning that he is coming to mind because I still have to deal with some issues from my past that he triggered. I hope everyday to find a man like you describe. Thank you for this post!

Reply

Hi Margot!

So glad it served you <3 What you are feeling is normal. Feel your way through these triggers and keep treating yourself the way he never could (because toxic people hate themselves). Thank you for being a part of this tribe. Love you so much soul sister. xx

Reply

Natasha I’m in love with PMS, totally in love, this blog is a well rounded blog, there’s so much coverage over here; from friendships, to self love , to dating. Each post you write and each guest post just keeps getting better.

I resonated a lot with what you said about it being a lonely place when you have standards and value your opinion above others. I’m going through that now. It’s so funny and strange because sometimes I do think I won’t ever find love, or I can’t even picture myself being someone’s girlfriend, lover or wife, because of the shitty treatment I allowed in the past. I love the list you wrote out, showing the things that are most important; respect, empathy , emotional intelligence and so on.

Thanks so much for this post Natasha ❤️

Reply

All I ever wanted to provide with this blog is everything you described <3 Thank you for being an angel in my life. Having standards can be very lonely but it always pays off and it never drains you of your dignity. You *will* find a partner like this because you are now, finally, treating yourself with all the compassion, love, and empathy you give and radiate. Love you sister. xo

Reply

Hi Natasha.

This was yet again perfect for me. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to start dating again and how to make sure I keep my boundaries and my deal breakers in mind. I believe that everything you listed is soooo important. It is easy to get caught up in looks and all that looks good on paper. I keep that post in mind too. Someone can look good on paper and also can appear to be the person to set your hopes on but the paper version wrinkles as soon as reality sets in. I never want that again.
I’m so glad you have someone special. That is a very lucky person to have you.
Thank you for all you do. I’ve been reading you for two years now and I’ve said before I would not have come through all my pain of my last relationship ending had it not been for you. That is for sure.
Love you and appreciate you. I hope to meet you sometime and have a cup of tea. ?.
Be well and thank you my friend. ????

Reply

I am once again, in tears (and cannot wait for that cup of tea). Thank you for being my family, my friend, my sister, and everything in between. Thank you for being with me from nearly the beginning and for believing in me at times when I could not believe in myself.

I think you should write a guest post here on the blog 🙂 It’s time. You have come so far and one of the greatest pleasures of my life has been watching you soar out of the bullsh*t.

Love you my friend. xox

Reply

Hello Natasha!

Wow! Thank you so much for the compliment. I am absolutely floored that you think I could write a post. WOW!!
I would love to attempt that. It would be an honor. I owe all my growth to you and your kind heart and wisdom.

I love you Natasha and just know I’m not gong anywhere so whenever you think I m ready, just let me know.

Thank you again my sister. ????

Reply

Email me ??

Reply

Hi all,

Natasha, any chance you are considering a post on how to find ‘wife material”? That would be so welcomed and useful to all the men on here and out there looking for their one.

As always, thank you for everything!

Jeff

Reply

Thanks to you and John, I’m going to start on it next week and post it after the next post 🙂

Your love and encouragement mean so much to me. Thanks Jeff!

Reply

Great post ??♥️

Reply

🙂 xoxo

Reply

Hey Jeff. I SECOND THAT MOTION!

Reply

DONE! 🙂

Will write a post on wife material very soon! Thank you so much for your encouragement. xo

Reply

Thank you Natasha

Reply

I haven’t commented on here for a little while Natasha, my healing journey is long, up and down but I’m getting stronger in the whole. My first dating experience after my heartbreak was a test! All went well, then I was ghosted 2 months in. But this time I got on my white (chestnut horse) and galloped off in to the sunset with my horse farting and bucking as we left ?.

???‍♀️?

Reply

I’ve missed you on here Lily! ???? this made my day. Xxxx ??

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *