This post is an open letter to you. The you that has had it with being nice at the expense of your self-respect. The you that feels ashamed and insecure; beaten down by everything that you work so hard to uplift. The you that gives people credit that they have not earned. The you that feels defective. The you that feels forgotten. The you that has lost faith. The you that does not believe “husband material” is anything more than an urban myth at this point. The you that feels invisible. The you that doesn’t think she can hold on much longer. This is for you.
You have time, but you no longer have one minute of it to waste.
It took me over two decades to realize I had given more power to the opinions of others than I ever did in coming up with an original thought of my own.
Nothing feels worse than not knowing who the f*ck you are. Nothing feels worse than allowing toxic people to create an identity for you. Nothing feels worse than having to tolerate your way through life; having to pretend to be someone you’re not because it hurts less than them walking out the door.
Nothing feels worse than living a life on everyone’s terms but your own.
The turning point is when you realize that you actually have a choice in the matter. You have a choice to change it all.
Not after you buy a ticket to a seminar or purchase a course or subscribe to a mailing list. Now.
You are one decision away from a new identity, a new life, and a new you. You are one decision away from attracting the husband material that you have all but given up on. You are one decision away from losing all of the emotional weight you’ve gained and unclogging your relational arteries once and for all. You are one decision away from (finally) exhaling.
You will no longer be held back by the opinions of your family and friends, your culture, your coworkers, your ex, and most important… the cynical audience in your head. The audience that convinces you to get back down every time you so much as try to get up. You are about to give that audience the most dignified middle finger of all time.
Not being able to find true friendships, true love, and husband material is the result of you giving your power away. It’s time to take it back.
You are damaged, but you are not defective.
You are down, but not defeated.
There is a big difference.
When you’ve done everything right and all you want to find is husband material… after a while, it’s easy to think that men are the problem, that you are the problem, and that you’ll never find your soulmate.
All men are not bad and the stars are not refusing to align for you. This is an issue of faulty circuitry (which has drained you of your power).
If the electricity in your home wasn’t working, it would never make you think that all homes are defective and that you’re just not destined to have a home in this life. The same needs to be applied in regard to husband material. And remember, YOU are your own home. Stop building homes in other people. You will end up homeless and locked out of a home that you built, every time.
Many women that I coach can’t understand why their relationships fail… why they always get doormatted… why they always get lied to, cheated on, and why they can’t get a man to commit. The common denominator here is having an affinity for men who are not even relationship material, let alone husband material.
I used to be more attracted to the potential of the blueprints on paper instead of an already-built skyscraper (that I claimed to want and deserve).
As long as you struggle with loving who you are, potential will always be more attractive than actuality. Good guys (who are actual husband material) won’t turn you on. There will always be something that feels “off.” Projects will turn you on.
“Go for actuality and stop hoping for the potential to actualize. Know what your deal- breakers are and don’t compromise. As women, most of us are raised to fall in love with potential. To see enough possibilities in the frog and the beast, to fall in love with the prince they may become, to kiss them and ‘break the spell.’ Consequently, we master the ability to infuse emotion into just about anything. We then romanticize it, sexualize it, idealize it, potentialize it, dramatize it, fall in love with it even when we know it’s not good for us. We gradually convince ourselves to ignore the red and pink flags. Even in the face of personal negative experience with the frogs and unmistakable misbehaviors of the beasts, we doubt and deny our very own reality. Instead, we must know what our deal-breakers are before becoming involved with someone and not negotiate or settle for anything that compromises those deal breakers and our boundaries.” – Tarane (my Mom)
I was able to find, attract (and keep) husband material when I rewired the circuitry that had me hanging on to everything superficial.
My emotional life was dependent on being in a relationship with a certain type of man (they had to have a certain look, personality, success, notoriety, talent, etc.) because I believed that being able to get a guy like that would elevate my status in everyone’s eyes. I didn’t know how to do it on my own.
When it comes to finding, attracting, and keeping husband material:
Don’t be relationally entitled. Dating is not easy and finding a quality man is not as simple as walking out your front door but there ARE incredible men out there.
The reason I always used to say that there were no good men out there was because as long as I believed that there was no husband material, I didn’t have to change my own behavior.
Go for a guy that you would otherwise never go for. I’m not telling you to settle or that you have to be with someone who you aren’t at all attracted to. There needs to be an attraction, yes, but make sure that you give someone a chance to become attractive. If you don’t, you’re putting all of your eggs in a basket that will change and fade with time.
Looks, personality, money, degrees, chivalry… these are things that you can’t grow old with. Integrity, character, and emotional availability are immune to the stamp of time. And as you get older, when all of the stuff that you are currently overvaluing has changed and faded…
You’re going to want to be with your best friend.
It’s amazing how attractive someone can become when you give them a chance and get to know them. When you realize that you have a choice to choose a man who’s good for you instead of the one who triggers you into a performing circus animal.
How to know if he’s husband material
- He allows you to be yourself.
- You don’t feel like you’re at any risk for him recoiling, ghosting, or judging you when you open up to him.
- He can stand on both emotional, empathetic, financial, and professional feet. He doesn’t need you to be his training wheels.
- He’s supportive of your success – not envious and covertly competitive.
- Just like your happiness is his, so is your heartbreak.
- He has the same (if not, a better) definition of success, monogamy, commitment, communication, and honesty that you do.
- He wants a relationship – not a transaction.
- He doesn’t need to rely on bribery, trickery, misrepresentation or giving mixed signals to get attention.
- He doesn’t equate loving you with dishonoring you.
- His behavior does not validate that of anyone or anything that has ever hurt you in the past.
- He considers both of you when making decisions – big and small.
- You share a common moral code/values.
- BEFORE you are in a committed, monogamous relationship with him, he respects you just as much and communicates just as clearly.
- He treats animals, children, and the elderly well (without an audience).
- He’s trustworthy.
- He’s not possessive and doesn’t get off to inciting jealousy or drama.
- He doesn’t get a sense of validation by exploiting your need for his.
- He’s confident, not cocky.
- He’s more private than grandiose.
- He’s responsive, not reactionary.
- He doesn’t gossip.
- He’s not social media obsessed.
- His patterns (which are made up of his consistent actions) show how appreciative he is of you.
- He’s not ambiguous.
- He understands that he’s not always in control.
- He does not have crumbs to throw – only loaves to give.
- You’re not worried about what the status of your relationship is.
- There no anxiety about what he’s doing when he’s not with you.
- The stress-induced nausea associated with dating emotionally unavailable and narcissistic guys isn’t there.
- There’s no age gap when it comes to emotional and empathetic age between you two.
- He doesn’t go around telling everyone how good of a guy he is. He just is.
- He actually wants to be a husband; he wants to get married.
YOU also need to be wife material (my writing is for all genders and orientations so please, sub where you need to here). We attract what we exude. You can’t expect any one of the above things and not be bringing it to the table as well.
You don’t become all of the above when you meet the right person. You become all of the above and because of that, you meet the right person.
Don’t fool yourself into thinking that just because you’ve been burned in toxic relationships and are single, you can’t get a good man. It means that you have standards and are selective. Having high standards is a lonely place to be, but it translates to the world that you value your opinion over the opinions of others. It means that you have made the choice to not take the same bullsh*t that you used to take in what never should have been called “a relationship” in the first place. It means that you no longer need attention and validation like you do oxygen. You validate yourself.
You are complete. And when you give a chance to a guy that you never usually would… over time, you’ll see that he is just as complete as you are. And that will turn you on more than any superficial trait ever could. There will be no more completion of one another because you will complement the whole people that you are. To me, that is the true definition of a power couple.
I used to care so much about what everyone thought of who I was dating. It was because I didn’t know who I was and because of that, my identity became the relationship. When you build yourself up and realize that you have a choice in who you become, you won’t care what others think about your partner.
Love is so much more than looks. Make sure they’re attractive on the inside first.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.