A few weeks ago, I wrote a post – How to Be Happy Again After Being Cheated On. But what about trust? How do you even begin to rebuild a foundation that without its solidity, true love and happiness cannot exist? How do you reroute the circuitry that now automatically directs you to second-guessing before believing? How do you undo the triggers that give away these insecurities in the most disempowering ways and end up attracting more people who just take advantage of and doormat you? How do you get your power back? Learning how to trust again after heartbreak, betrayal, and being lied to is something that I’ve struggled with and still struggle with to this day. So, I asked my dear friend and PMS team member, Lorelle, to write another guest post to shed light on this. Lorelle, take it away…

I would bet money that not a single person reading this hasn’t had their trust broken, shattered, ripped at the seams or stretched so far it might not ever feel or look the same again.

The reason I’m so sure of this is because trust is what underpins our relationships. All of them. As we begin to know a person, and that relationship grows, trust also blossoms. Trust is like a seed – As it shoots up and becomes stronger, it begins to entwine the people in the relationship. This doesn’t happen overnight, and neither should it. Deep trust is shared and developed over time, not just given.

Trust makes us feel safe because it is like an insurance policy:

I trust you to love me,

 I trust you to be honest,

I trust you to look out for me,

 I trust you to take care of me if I am sick,

I trust you to keep your word,

I trust you to support me,

I trust you to stay in my life,

I trust you to be happy for me and have my best interests at heart,

I trust you to accept me as I am…

But how do you trust again – if a trust has been compromised?

How do you trust again – A PERSON who broke your trust?

How do you trust again – YOURSELF? Your judgment of others?

In the Oxford online dictionary, trust is defined as both a noun and a verb:

Noun: Firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something.

So, we develop a sense of confidence when we believe a person is trustworthy.

Verb: (To) Believe in the reliability, truth, or ability of.

So, we are relying on someone, when trust is a verb, and this is the platform on which reputations, relationships, and businesses are built.

Trust is one of the heavyweight qualities in life. It’s built over time, it is a bond and when it exists, it allows love, intimacy, and loyalty to flourish.

We often think of unconditional love as being the best kind of love to share and receive from others. Unconditional love should always happen with parents and children. It means, “I love you for who you are.”

Where is this going and what has it got to do with trust again?

Simple: Love can be unconditional. But relationships have conditions. And one of these is that you can TRUST the person. That, in your own unique relationship, love will present itself in predictable ways:

However, although your love might be unconditional. Your respect isn’t. Your trust isn’t.

When you stop and consider that trust underpins your dealings with others, an absence of it breaks down what you had. It happens though. We get let down and get hurt – and there is nothing worse than having someone piss in your pocket while they tell you it’s raining. Trust affects many facets of our dealings with others.

We may love someone. But we may also recognize that we cannot trust them. That possibly we don’t even respect them.

Why? Because the bond isn’t established. For example, children from abusive homes grow up not knowing how or who to trust. They are let down. They are often unloved. They are not important. Their needs aren’t recognized. They learn to take care of themselves. Or, sadly, sometimes feel so undeserving, they accept whatever treatment they get. And find this pattern repeating itself later on in life.

Just because someone is family, doesn’t mean you necessarily love, respect or trust them. Sometimes you do love them, but you know in your heart, they aren’t someone you want to be close to, share life with or emulate.

People who grow up in abusive homes have been deeply hurt in ways most of us can’t imagine. They do learn to establish VERY high standards when they look for people to trust.

Having been let down and getting someone’s trust happens slowly. You must earn it. Prove it.  Over time, and through actions, a person can slowly gain the trust of those who have grown up in places where they cannot trust their caregivers.

These are the lessons broken trust teaches us. Keep. Your. Standard. High. However, it can be hard to let your guard down and allow people to get close or love you when you have been subject to abuse as a child.

But it can also happen to us in adulthood. Our friendships, work associates and romances can bring us the most unexpected and hurtful experiences. All relating to trust. You don’t think you will ever know how to trust again.

You can learn to do it though. Its starts with self-love, learning to love who you are and knowing you are worthy of being loved. It is learned by not accepting things that dishonor you, don’t make you feel good or violate you.

Work at this, and you will be as Natasha says, a “Jedi” at trusting your gut. Because that is your compass. Intuition speaks loudly when we are in danger, and if you have had your trust broken…

  • Look at the actions. They must match words.
  • Look for consistency. Are they a person with integrity?
  • Look at how they treat others. If it’s not congruent with how they treat you – move on.
  • Listen to your gut. It NEVER lies.

Don’t feel like you have to look for the good in others automatically. It is ok to wait awhile. Anyone trying “used car salesman” techniques, beware!

Quick sells, hard sells …. these aren’t part of a healthy relationship.

Anyone who declares love for you, very early on… Move on.

Anyone suggesting soul mate connections very early on… Run.

If someone sounds too good to be true – they are too good to be true. Keep running.

Here is the thing: Healthy people don’t pressure you. They will make you feel good when you are around them. They won’t be pushing you. There will be no rush.

Follow these guidelines and you will weed out people who are dishonest, have hidden agendas and who are most likely, self-serving and unreliable. The hardest thing for people coming from abusive relationships though is developing the boundaries they need to protect themselves.  These alert you to red and pink flags and tell you instantly when something is off.

When someone breaks your trust, it can leave you devastated and reeling in pain. It can feel like your whole world has been shattered and everything you thought you had – has gone.

No matter how much we are hurt by someone breaking our trust, we need to always remember: WE are responsible for our own happiness. And we alone, are the one we will always be with.

If you find yourself wanting to close off from others, feeling full of resentment and anger, take notice of those feelings and realize they are telling you something. You need to let go and move on.

How to trust again?

Forgive!

Now before you start “Oh here we go. I don’t want to forgive that f*cktard. He deserves a lot of things but one of them is not my forgiveness…”  Just breathe for a minute.

Forgiveness is not about him…. it’s about YOU.

If it makes you feel any better, I struggled with the concept of forgiveness for years. Terribly. The profanities I would think of to describe those people who had hurt me; the re-living of events again and again in my head.  And then the scenes I would conjure up in my mind, of potential revenge and how I was going to act if I saw this person again or the text I would send if they ever contacted me again… it all kept the pain alive.  And I was emotionally exhausted and drained from it.

What’s more, I am not a mean person, and getting revenge is something I do not do. Being rude to others and playing mind games is not where I want to be at. The only one suffering was me. And the thoughts were not even reflective of how I live my life. They were full of unresolved anger. I was stuck.

The Bottom line is… Forgiveness is for YOU. It doesn’t cancel out what someone did to you.

It doesn’t water it down, excuse it, or eliminate it. It is not a free pass or “get out of jail” card.

It does not mean you tell the person it was ok to do what they did. It means YOU let go of the pain and realize what happened to you, was not love based. The reason you are upset is because you feel violated. You let the crap go, so you can move on and heal.

The best way I can honestly think of expressing it is using Natasha’s analogy of flushing the toilet. Don’t look at the crap inside the bowl. Don’t complain that it smells and makes you sick when you stir it more. Flush!

And wash your hands.

When we forgive someone, we are not telling them it was ok. We are telling ourselves that we are ok.

We will get through this.  We are allowing ourselves to acknowledge that someone treated us badly, but we are walking away because we deserve better.

We do not like how we feel and we are not willing to stay in a place of pain.

We learn to trust again, by letting go and trusting again. Yes.

We learn to trust again by trusting again.

We can walk away from a person who has abused our trust. This is healthy. That is how you communicate to someone their behavior was unacceptable to you. If you do this, the other person must learn to accept that. Broken trust often breaks the relationship it damaged, because sometimes the people in it cannot resolve the chain of events, the emotional pain or the betrayal is just too big to work through.

The most important part in the question how do I trust again? is that you recognize you want to, and you make choices about how you will move forward.

Betrayal is a deep wound, and we are often baffled as to why people choose to do the things they do, especially those who we believed in, shared our lives with, and who were important to us. The fact is though, someone else’s ability to NOT be trusted isn’t a reason for you to not move on and look for the trust and love elsewhere.

 How do you trust again if trust keeps being broken?

First, you need to examine the patterns in your relationships and listen to those patterns over the apologies. If you constantly seem to attract guys who are unfaithful and lie, that means there are behaviors that are running on repeat.

If you often feel double-crossed and are fed up with a friend and their excuses, there are patterns revealing themselves here.

Healing takes time. Especially if patterns are showing up. The plus? Patterns show you where the work needs to be done. Are you ignoring your instincts? Living for the good times? Too scared to stand up for yourself?

If it helps, remember we teach people how to treat us. So if you don’t like what you are seeing or feeling, you need to trust yourself and move on. Work on what you are accepting – but don’t actually want. Trust your instincts.

How do you trust again if you love someone and they made a mistake?

By this, I am referring to someone you are in an intimate relationship with, who breaks your trust, but tells you what they have done before you find out from anyone else.

When someone is truly sorry, you will know. People who are genuine about their love for you, and who have a genuine love for you, will not take months or years to admit they did the wrong thing. It won’t take you gathering evidence and showing them what you’ve collected. They will tell you very quickly after it happened.

This is because they KNOW that they have broken an agreement between you, and they regret it. They know telling you will hurt, but they value you enough to admit their actions and they are owning them. The truth is less painful than living a lie.

This is where you get to choose. Do you move on, or do you accept their honest apology? Do you walk away, or work through it?

When you have made a huge investment in a person, and you share a great deal together, including a history, sometimes losing all of that when a mistake is made, is not worth it. Trust can be re-established, but it takes time, and it means both parties have to be vulnerable and not blame shift.

Sometimes people do truly horrible, cruel, and unforgivable things to others that they are not sorry for. They are brutally cold and ruthless. There is nowhere to go from here – but away.

Sometimes people do things that are out of character, and as awful as they are, they deeply regret those actions and want to make amends. This is where the love you share with someone, can rebuild shattered trust.  Together, you can achieve a new closeness. Betrayal is NEVER easy, but it counts for something when the person who betrayed you, owns it. Sometimes people need a level of darkness to really see the light. There is no one set answer for trust in any relationship because, like love, it is deeply personal in how the bond is made.

The most important person to love when you have been betrayed is always yourself. Natasha has written so much about self-love because this is the quality that keeps you afloat when storms hit. Self-love means we take good care of ourselves, connect to our values and boundaries, and stay true to them.

We can love others, rely on them, build a life with them, invest in them and still hurt them. We are not always infallible. I always think that what someone’s intent is, is bigger than what they actually do sometimes.

Because intent is purposefully choosing to act a certain way. What lies behind it, is what tells you about why they do what they do. Why they made certain choices. Regardless of whether it is dishonesty, withholding, disloyalty, or being unfaithful, it cuts deeply when communication breaks down and unhappy events unfold.

Broken trust in a relationship CAN be repaired, and reconciling can build a better foundation for the future. If there is strong love involved with both parties, and a true remorse from the one who messed up, forgiveness is needed by both to move forward.

Remember, forgiveness sets you free. It doesn’t take away what has happened but trying to reconcile while being unable to move past a betrayal, means you won’t actually repair the relationship.

Sometimes people do things – and you don’t understand why. When you gain their perspective, especially when it makes no sense from yours, sometimes you can see how it was about them and not you.

Try and see them, as a whole – yet flawed, person. Don’t just focus on the transgression. There are many wonderful things you love about them, and this is one negative. If you have always trusted them and they have always been good to you, can you accept this and move on? Are they usually a person of integrity? This is very different to a person who is consistently living a life of dysfunction and pushing their agenda of egoic gain.

The hardest part about trusting again is trusting yourself. Can I do this? Am I worth being loved properly? Will I cope alone? Feeling hurt, ashamed, and scared are not helpful emotions. You will be in a triggered state, and your emotional compass will be all over the place. Often, it takes more strength and courage to stay than to walk away. Although you should always leave if you are being emotionally and physically abused. Always.

Trust is such a hard topic to write about, in terms of the depth of it. It’s like trying to dip your toe in water but seeing it for the ocean it really is. That is why you need to trust and love yourself first, because only then can you love and trust others. Trust is never able to float your boat if you can’t recognize it in yourself.

Trust is always about ourselves first, then others. Cultivate it in yourself first and foremost. Be a person of your word. Follow through and be consistent.

Keep your word. The world is full of bullsh*t and fake promises. One of the best ways to keep that at ba, is to be honest and tell the truth.

Part of this is about being open. Being genuine and truly listening. Sometimes people listen to respond. But sometimes you just need to listen – to understand. Openness paves the way for strong communication and acceptance. These are two beautiful things. Grow them.

Be a walking and talking version of integrity. Keep away from shallowness and gossip. If someone confides in you, don’t break that confidence. Don’t allow negative emotion to cloud your judgement or dictate your behavior. Control your emotions and realize –

What others say and do is their stuff. What you say and do is your stuff. There is a huge difference here.

To end, I will tell you that I have been deeply hurt in the past with broken trust.

I felt unloved, unimportant and discarded. I tried very hard to just build a new life, but I was emotionally damaged, and I didn’t know how to fix it. At my worst, I felt I was colorless, not even noticed.  I continued to accept less than what I deserved, sometimes because it was a familiar place and it was better than nothing. But when you experience what people with strong core values have to offer, it becomes second to none.

Suddenly when someone respects you and treats you with love and kindness, you get it. Suddenly people’s bullsh*t is illuminated, and you see it for what it really is. You get sick of the excuses, sick of being short-changed and used.

I believe the minute you feel worthless around someone, that’s a red flag you cannot trust them.

If in a great relationship, something happens, but you are made aware of it, and the other party wants to repair the damage they have done, I think that is a beautiful thing borne out of a true error. Notice I said error, not errors. Repeat performances tell a different story.

If you are being disregarded, shelved, overlooked, uncared for, betrayed in many ways with lies and hurtful actions; then even if you love someone, you might need to reassess if they deserve your love and respect. They don’t always go together.

I was talking to Natasha recently about how I would sum up my life. I told her the saying “Fall down seven times – stand up eight” was a good fit in some ways. I used to think I was a weak person who was stupid because of this.

But that is such a powerful little saying. Because it means you have spirit and you won’t quit. You don’t fail when you keep trying. And each time you get up, you are stronger, wiser and your fall is softer.

It is also primal. Think of how you learnt to walk. You stood up, you fell down. You kept doing it. Babies don’t care if they fall down. They just find another way to stand up and try walking again.  Then one day… they are off. Two feet firmly on the ground.

This is you. This is me. This is all of us.

How do you trust again? By investing in the one thing you need to trust most: Yourself.

Be that person full of strength and integrity.

Be that person who can speak their truth and follow their heart.

Be that person who won’t compromise their own values because other people’s values don’t match.

Be that person who uses their gut to sense shadiness.

Notice the shadow when you should be seeing light.

Most importantly… be open, allow others in, because if you try too hard to protect yourself, you will end up lonely and isolated. Remember, the way to trust again – is to trust again.

Be that badass who is consistently consistent. It really helps repel the bullsh*t and those who think they can pull the wool over your eyes.

Realize you have lost very little when someone isn’t who they appear to be – also be grateful for the freedom they have given you by learning this.

When someone dishonors you, they really dishonor themselves. If they don’t seem to be sorry for what they have done, they aren’t.

When you are full of self-love and you trust your instincts, good things happen. There is no rush involved in getting to know someone. You can open up and share yourself with them when it feels right. Someone who respects you will be accepting of that.

Words to remember: I may love unconditionally, however my trust and respect have conditions. 

If you want to trust others, know what it is. Live it, breathe it, feel it, and stand up for it. Trust yourself and learn from your mistakes. Don’t over process others and their actions, just accept them as a tangible piece of evidence of who they are and how they operate.

We learn the most from the things that go wrong in life. We grow, develop and become stronger. Resiliency flourishes and we become wiser. We develop compassion and learn about what we really want and value in life. Be strong, be real and give yourself permission to live by your standards.

When you trust yourself, it becomes easier to trust others, because you have defined it and what it means to YOU. 

Always be true to yourself. Never sell yourself short. Because when others try to – you will become instantly aware.

When life doesn’t go as planned, you feel let down that things haven’t evolved the way you hoped…

You will get another chance. If you fall down, remember, you only have to stand back up…

Trust yourself to do that.

xx Lorelle

Lorelle will be answering all of your comments below ?

Thank you Lorelle, for giving us all the gift that is YOU. x Natasha

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53 comments

Reply

Thank you Lorelle, from the bottom of the ocean which is me. This is a wave, a little playing of the water, to tell you and Natasha how much I have taken your words, and step by step, stone by stone, rooted them within me. I am one of the quiet readers, one of the warriors who haven’t made any comment yet. This is the time, maybe I got
even more inspired since you, Lorelle, write about the ocean and my name here means water. Right now, I am working on seeing what those colors of the flags are. Learning why my beloved makes me cry over and over again. Thank you so much, both of you. For so long, I have dreamed of making a post and a big, flaming Thank you ?

Reply

Aquilina!

I love your name, and that you like the analogy relating to the ocean. I remember my first comment here too – and this is a great place to share your fears, feelings and heart. On all levels. I’m so touched this post resonated with you. The tribe here, is made up of so many people, and although we are different, in some ways we are also the same. ?

Keep noticing the red flags, they are there to help guide you. They are always flying for a reason, and that you are crying all the time, is a sign you are not blossoming – in yourself; or growing closer in your relationship. Being happy is the most important thing in life. In so many ways, it really is the holy grail of living. TRUST your intuition to help you find where the happiness exists in your world, and the areas it doesn’t. And WHY.

I’m so happy (huge smile on my face!) that you wrote here today. Keep coming here and reading. Stay on your white horse, Aquilina and write back to me if you want to. Natasha created this blog for people like you and me, and it’s where we grow and heal. Much love to you, sending you sunshine from Australia ?? xxx

??❤️

Reply

Sometimes in life, you get an advice like: It’s not that simple. And like Natasha says, it’s the worst advice ever. Why? One of the reasons is: it just doesn’t resonate with you. For a while, you buy in to it, try to make sense of it, but end up dealing and wheeling with the consequences. And then, at other times. For me, quite seldom, the words start to almost shine by themselves, like a holy grale. Again a holy grale, like the one you mention here Lorelle: happiness. I know what you say is true. And it counts for me. It is simple, and therefore it is beautiful. Where do I find happiness, where not and why? Since you wrote me, I have been interacting with this – concept if I may say so ? Good advice are both heavy and light at the same time, that’s how I feel about them. To use yet another word from this heaven of great tips and tricks for life that Postmalesyndrome is – a connected advice is LINEAR. Thank you so much Lorelle. And Natasha. And also Natasha’s mom who wrote a wonderful post some time ago. Let’s keep up with the good work! Looking forward to our next steps. ?

Reply

I love this and you ?♥️ Sending you so much love Aquilina, from my Mom and me ?

Reply

Thank YOU from the bottom of my heart Aqualina (your name is just as beautiful as your heart). Your connection to my work and support means the world to me.

Your gut always knows the color of the flags – It is the oldest part of your soul. For me, the struggle was deactivating the triggers I had, which were rooted in unresolved trauma, that rendered me colorblind.

If I can get through it and come out on top on my own, you most definitely can. You are believed in, supported, and loved Aqualina. Thanks for being a part of this tribe. 🙂 XX

Reply

This was such a great post Lorelle, this certainly opened my eyes to certain patterns that occurred in the past. However being a recovering doormat , I was wondering if you had any advice for me . In the past I always wanted to assign bff status to anyone who would be incredibly nice to me or “get me” in a way. If a person made me incredibly happy on more than 3 occasions I would assume we would be friends forever. I was just so eager to have that one person I could call my best friend, someone I could trust unconditionally, who’d be there for me no matter what. But it never went well. I’ve been betrayed most by the people I would call bffs or maybe it was my rush and expectations. I still struggle with that feeling of wanting to trust and love someone right off the bat, instead of giving it time to develop, so how do I let go of that need to want to find that one person to trust . Because honestly of late I’ve been thinking about finding my bff. That person who I’d be compatible with, my gal pal, my ride or die ; as a result any new person I meet has me thinking could this be my new best friend, then I get all happy and create fun scenarios in my head of how amazing this friendship could be and then…it doesn’t turn out that way.
Thank you.

Reply

Awwwww, Denise, I totally get it. When we want to be loved, and we think we’d have found it, it is the best feeling. It’s like being filled up, and the connectedness we discover is the best experience. Being hurt and disappointed though, when things morph into something else, it’s hard.

The wanting doesn’t change, it almost seems stronger – although sometimes we want to give up trying.

So the advice I’m giving you- is the way I live my life. I take awhile to let people in. I’m often described as a very private person – I’m guarded but I enjoy those around me. I’ve been hurt and let down before by those I felt cared for me, but it wasn’t really the case. I just go slow. I sho2 respect and kindness, and at the first sign of someone being uncaring or dismissive of my value, I note it. I allow for people to hav3 bad days, and don’t expect perfection but yes, I do look for patterns. I’m driven by consistency – it reveals so much.

If the patterns don’t change and I feel unsupported or unaccepted , I know I’m parking in the wrong place.
I don’t jump in. I dip my toes instead. And genuine people know things evolve over time. So be kind to yourself, and open up slowly. Don’t chase. Let people seek you out. Don’t take things personally. Sometimes people don’t know what they want – and that’s their journey in life, not yours. Don’t accept things that’s don’t make you feel loved or happy. Don’t compromise your values or beliefs. Doing that will make you angry at yourself.

Know that you are enough, Denise. You are. Just spend time with you, getting to know what really makes you tick, and BE YOU.

It can take time to really connect to another, and it can be frustrating but it’s better than wondering why the hell you are hanging out with someone who isn5 good for you in so many ways.

Keep coming here – you’ll get love and support and encouragement and that’s what you need right now. Thank you so much for your words, I’m always so happy when readers find something helpful in what I have written . The same goes for Natasha. It’s all for you, Denise. Keep the faith. You’re worthy and you know your value. Take your time. Let people SHOW you who they are, then you can let them in.

Big hug and so much love to you! Xxx
?✨??

Reply

I used to be the same way Denise. It wasn’t until I implemented boundaries and got more addicted to having my own back that I was investing all of my trust eggs into a basket that I barely knew. I became my own best friend first.

Glad that you love this post as much as I do! 🙂 xox

Reply

To begin with- let me say WOW! Every time that I come to this website it seems like it has been divinely inspired- I read what I need and mostly what I want. Thank you for this article; it speaks of such beauty and honesty and recovery for those of us who have been betrayed, broken, crushed actually and yet have kept on breathing…………I came to PMS last May when a malignant narcissist used me and then threw me away, stopped speaking to me, I also believe made bad comments about me to my employer (although I cant prove that; but it seems they were very cold to me for a long time) and I was like most humans expected to keep breathing, and yet I felt dead, so confused and broken hearted that I reached a level of such despair that previously I had never known. It is through this website that I survived; I happened upon Natasha one day while websurfing for answers and there it was NARCISSISM, a name, a definition, that previously was not in my vocabulary; all the signs , the explanation for the behavior, and most importantly, a way out of the pain, knowing what I was dealing with. It has been nine months of a man who triangulated me on our last visit together with a young man, who he had his arm around when he met me, and expected me to act as if nothing was wrong. Then disrespected me in front of her, actually think both were making fun of me, and then stopped speaking to me completely. I wandered around in a fog of pain and the confusion of what happened?????? Natasha saved me, I began to heal, I worked on myself through diet and exercises, started therapy to understand how I let somebody like that into my life, and how could I have ever fallen in love with a man who did not love me…..I had periods of vascillating; let me look better, he will want me again- let me be thinner- he will want me again- let me become cooler- he will want me again- to screw him hope I never see him again………to an acceptance that he is sick with bad character and that in some ways he has made me a better person. I am stronger and healthier than I have ever been, I know what fake love looks like, I know the cruelty of others, I have grown up! He stole my innocence but gave me wisdom in its place- not by choice but still grateful for it.
It has now been nine months of no contact – thank God I never contacted him even once (thank you Natasha for teaching me that; I wanted to do bad but never did) and in reflection see myself as the one who got away, the one who did not beg or scream or plead; I could have so easily been that one, but rather view myself as kind of classy, somebody who always acted with love and responsibility, and walked out from a bad situation without sullying myself in the process ( again, thank you Natasha)….
So, TRUST….. I don’t trust any man yet, but am starting to have those feelings of wanting to be close again to somebody and know that I will in 2019 but this time based on integrity and listening to red flags, and being truthful to myself because I deserve the best guy out there………..this my friend is a pretty good deal considering where I started.
THIS WEBSITE SAVED MY LIFE…….IF YOU ONLY SAVED ME THIS YEAR THIS WEBSITE WOULD BE WORHT IT, BUT I KNOW MANY MORE HAVE RECLAIMED THEIR DIGNITY BECAUSE OF THIS WEBSITE…..I AM ETERNALLY GRATEFUL FOR BEING THERE WHEN I NEEDED YOU…..YOU WERE THE BEST FRIEND, THE SISTER, THE CONFIDANT THAT I NEEDED WHEN NOBODY ELSE WOULD OR COULD UNDERSTAND WHAT A NARCISSIST CAN DO TO YOUR SOUL…………YOU ARE MY ETERNAL FRIEND…..SENDING MY WARMEST WISHES AND LOVE AND LIGHT…………………..MARGARET

Reply

Hello Margaret,

Thank you for replying and I have loved reading all of it. I can feel the pain in your words and how far you have come. The determination inside you is pouring out! It is great you come here and the posts are so in sync with what you need to hear the most. It’s the most awesome place here to feel empowered and supported by others.

The fact you want to connect again with others is a huge piece of evidence that shows the healing you have achieved and the faith you have in yourself to trust again. Yes! Keep looking for the red flags and ONLY accept the love you deserve – not scraps, excuses or half baked offerings that offer you nothing. It’s amazing how as we become really in touch with who we are and what we really want, how those not willing or able to meet that seem to appear less and less in our lives.

Having a standard based on solid self worth is like building on top of a foundation of steel. I read your words a few times, and regarding your ex, you were more than enough. You didn’t need to be thinner, cooler or better in any way. As painful as it was crossing paths with him, you gained so much through walking away.

Steel forged self love is going to take you places that he could never have taken you.
You’re standing in your own power now, Margaret. Integrity is everything and he had none.

Natasha will read your reply and I know she will be so proud of you and totally appreciate your words. I’m so happy this post resonated with you. You’re so strong and you’ll never look back, warrior girl!

Love to you, stay true to yourself,

Xx ???

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Margaret,

WOW! Thank you 🙂 Helping others out of everything you described, everything that I know all too well… It’s what I live for. It’s my obsession. I am so happy and honored to have helped but this was/is ALL you. I may have shown you where the proverbial key was, but you had it with you all along and the ability to close the door of bullsh*t and open the ones of dignity and self-love… That’s all YOU.

You are incredible.

All my love to you. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. xx

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Thank you Lorelle , I have been struggling with forgiveness of not only my exgirlfriend, but myself for seeing red flags, bad behavior and staying until I was completely dishonored and dumped by text. Natasha and I discussed forgiveness ( amongst other things) the other day and I have been digging deep on my own underlying issues and have done a lot of work over the years. After several month’s and no apology from that person, it’s still crushing and it hurts that they don’t care. I have definitely over processed her actions and behaviors, but I will be true to myself and never sell myself short again. By being a man of compassion, empathy, caring, giving and selflessness, Natasha explained to me that I am the one who got away and I believe that. I need to continue self love and stay on the White Horse. Great read today and I needed it.

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Brady,
Thank you for sharing your story, I nodded my head when you talked about struggling with the fact you accepted so many negative things for so long. I have known that feeling and hindsight is a wonderful thing: it shows you where you were meant to change course but didn’t. Take heart though, you did that at the time because you were trying to show love and compassion. You were being there for her. That’s a beautiful thing and she will realise how rare that is one day, because that kind of love is truly hard to find. She has lost that now. It’s a huge loss.

I do love the spirit you write in! The fact you are speaking with Natasha will move you forward at lightening speed, and also you’re a man who has faith in his convictions – as you know she owed you an apology, yet you’re not riding on that. You’re forging on without her, and it will bring you to the woman you deserve.

Self love is hard. We somehow struggle to keep that flame going for ourselves, yet we are often so happy to to build the fire in others. That’s where I learnt about consistency and actions matching words. I really short changed myself too many times over the years, but through that, I did learn the value of my worth, and the peace you gain is worth the road you stumbled on to get there.

Thank you so much Brady for replying. It goes straight to my heart when that happens. You have so many strong qualities and I am glad you’re the one that got away, because the world needs good men like you and you’ll find her. Because you know exactly what caliber you deserve and are looking for. Til then, just keep being you. You are awesome!

Hugs, and sending summer love to you from Australia x ?
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You are the one that got away Brady – No one will ever not only put up with everything that you did but get back on his white horse and remain there after having a human reaction to a set of inhumane circumstances. Her karma will come and your value will skyrocket in her eyes (to the point of selfish regret – she is not capable of genuine remorse), while you remain on your white horse and she keeps attracting what she exudes.

It is a pleasure working with you and I am forever grateful for you ex – Because of her, I got to connect with the one-of-a-kind GIFT that is YOU. You know your worth, you know your standards, and I am so proud to know you.

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This is a FANTASTIC article! Would you two ever consider putting all this content into a book? Thank you so much for your words. Your words help this process of healing and learning to live again more than you will ever know.

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Heidi!
Thank you for your sweet words, I can tell you that Natasha is so very close to publishing her book! So wait for it!
I’m so happy and touched that this post has helped you. Learning to move on from brokenness – is a hard and often lonely road. The healing though brings clarity and teaches us our worth. Whenever you don’t feel valued, that’s your cue to change direction.

Be kind to yourself too, because your words show insight into where you are at on your journey and you are claiming your power.
Keep going. You’re looking good up there on your white horse. Sending you love straight from my heart, Heidi xx
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AGREED! Lorelle should write a book 🙂

I am working on mine now and will send updates with a release date, etc. as they come 🙂 Make sure you’re subscribed to the email.

Love you Heidi. xox

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Beautifully written post, Lorelle. Just like Natasha, you truly have a gift for this. I’m so glad I’ve now reached a stage where I find myself nodding along sagely with your perceptive insights. Thank you both <3

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Hazel
That’s such a kind thing to say. I find it very humbling to write here because it’s such an honour to be able to connect with others. I have said to Natasha that all that matters to me is it helps someone feel better in some way, or sparks something in them to help them need them when they feel low on hope or self belief.

So reading your words fills me up. And Natasha would say the same.

Love and happiness to you xx
?⭐️❤️✨

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YES! That’s what I love to hear. Thanks Hazel 🙂 Love you. xx

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Thank you so much Lorelle. I’m going to bury myself in the self love and self respect posts on here, just to recalibrate and gain my balance again. Thanks Again Lorelle and thank you again Natasha for this safe haven ( I literally can’t thank you enough ❤️) and to all the beautiful readers going through stuff, your stories inspire me in ways you can’t imagine. I’m truly not alone and neither are you guys❤️❤️❤️

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Denise!!

Pure truth!
Thanks for your reply, and yes, self love and self respect! !! ❤️❤️❤️
The beginning of everything xx

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Love you so much Denise <3 xxxx

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Thank you Lorelle, such a wonderful and long article!
I have taken on your advice from previous replies about self love and finding happiness in myself. Maybe taken it too much and have bought many lipsticks and candles ??
This morning I was riding my horse (my literal horse, but he’s chestnut not white ??) and I was thinking how before I was in the relationship with my ex, how I was happy with myself, an independent girl, enjoying my work, the way my life was going etc and I almost couldn’t believe my luck that I found someone at this time in my life who (seemed to) be in love with me as much as I loved him. I learnt to trust again, because that’s what I did. I trusted him because he seemed trusting! I was content and relaxed that I could be myself and I felt yes I was good enough for once. This bloke isn’t going seeking better/hotter/fun/happy women & leaving me.
Until he lost interest in me and everyday life. He left me after 6 years, left our home and dogs To be a Batchelor who only had to think about himself, as he said he couldn’t deal with relationships. Lies. Online dating straight he went. Long distance relationship straight away and she has just moved down, left her life in her home town 6 hours away, to move in with him. In MY home town where he located to to be with me. He wanted a brighter light to glow on him, I think over time my own light dimmed.
All this has made me feel that no matter how much I love myself, if I ever want that intimate relationship and to trust again, that there is something about me that I don’t trust. Something that pushes men away from committing to me. It can’t be a commitment issue because he Is now comitting to someone else.

I am trying to understand it all a bit more and the impact and wounding it can have being in a relationship with someone with antisocial personality disorder, which he has. And I guess I have codependency. But I also have this annoying little bird on my shoulder saying he learnt from his mistakes, this disorder improves in the age 30+ and he is ready for commitment now. And people have told me this too.

So I struggle to not only trust others but also myself. Because when I have, the trust has been broken. I trusted I was a strong, lovable person but I’ve failed myself.

I tell you what though. Riding my horse makes me feel alive. The winter sunshine and strong wind today, him bouncing around with joy. I wish I could post a picture. Even if I am alone forever I have my animals xxxx

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Hello Lily!
I started to reply earlier, and then went off to make some tea. When I got back my words had gone! But I was saying I was so happy and smiled to myself about your lipstick and candle comment! That made my day.

You won’t be alone forever. No. You won’t. But I understand how you might feel that way. After everything you have been through. I love the happy space you get into with your horse riding. You describe it so beautifully and it is clearly something that makes you feel good. That is the best therapy ever. To be able to connect with something that makes you happy and feel free.

You haven’t failed yourself, Lily. You so haven’t. Someone else’s bad behaviour isn’t a reflection on YOU. But I get what you say, as I have felt like a loser in the past, based on the actions of others. That somehow it was me. No! It isn’t! People don’t magically treat others better after they have mistreated you. There will be things that happen. That don’t work. That rear their ugly heads. The truth will come out.

If he is looking for added ‘shine’ in life, he would be better off to create some in himself. And if going elsewhere is what he needs to do in order to be happy, Let me tell you, her ‘shine’ will wear off one day. You cannot expect others to make you happy. They may add to your happiness and quality of life, but no one can make you happy. He doesn’t understand happiness or commitment. And he wasn’t even honest about why he was leaving. What stories has he told her? Consistently inconsistent.
But enough about him…
You are not faulty. You don’t repel anyone. You wrote that you felt ‘you were good enough for once ‘. That is the lesson right there. It comes from a underlying belief that you are not good enough. Never compromise your light by feeling deep down that you are not enough. You are enough!
But you need to really connect to that part of you. Wholeness. You have so many sweet and loving qualities. Promote them in yourself by loving who you are. Any shade of feeling worthless, has a way of poking up in our lives. It reflects back at us through our friendships. romances, the things we accept. the things we overlook and it devalues us.

Keep your own light, Lily, and know it shines brightly. Never allow others to dim it. I loved your words about riding your horse, and how happy it makes you feel. It is a beautiful contrast to how you feel about your ex. It ended, and badly between you both. And although break ups hurt for anyone, when they happen like this. it really challenges our feelings of worth and we wonder if we are truly lovable.

Six years is a long time. I am sad that he did this to you, and more so for the way he did it. Lying and making excuses and saying he wasn’t able to commit. Then suddenly with someone new. It might look shiny now, what he has, but we already know he can be dishonest. Who wants to be with someone like that? Not you and not me. I don’t think he has learnt from his mistakes. And I think his issues are masked somewhat with the freshness of a new relationship, but they do they exist. They haven’t magically gone away.

You can definitely trust yourself, Lily. Because you may have been hurt badly, but you actually have morals and a code that you live by. You wont compromise that. Please don’t blame yourself for what happened. There are ways to sort things out with someone, and running off with someone new isn’t one of them.

That amazing feeling you connect with, when you ride your horse, stay with that. That is happiness, and that is wholesome. It is realness, and whereas most of us ride our white horse, it is personified completely for you! You deserve love and happiness Lily. And it will come with someone special. Please don’t doubt yourself or who you are, based on the actions of others.

It can be so hard not to, but don’t. He made his choice. Let him ride off with that. But you are the real rider, as you will get through this, grow and get to greener pastures. Read the post Natasha wrote about the fire within. Warm yourself, and trust yourself to stay up on your horse. You are full of love, Lily. And more love will find you. Tell yourself its on the way. Keep the positive thoughts strong and ride on. The winter sun sounds so good. Shining. Like you. Please remember that.

Much love and hugs to you! xxxx ????

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I could not have said it any better and I am loving the fire emojis Lorelle. I wish I had emojis on my computer 🙂 xx

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Hi Lorelle and Natasha.???

You have no idea how grateful I am for the time you have taken to write such personal replies. It has helped more than words can express. What I love about both of you is that you say it as it is, you don’t pussy-foot around the subject and you’re open to discuss the ex as well as talk about me. So many people avoid this but talking about the person who has crushed me (other than myself) allows me to feel the grief and try to heal. Helps me blame myself less and believe in myself more.

I hope he reveals himself to this new girl in the way he did to me. So far, since he left me, everything that I dread could happen, had become reality. The next thing will be engagement / pregnancy. ??
I do also think about what other people say/think. I saw on stupid social media someone commented that he looks “so happy with his gorgeous girl” and that they hope I have stayed away.
I must remind myself to mourn the loss of who I thought he was. I do struggle though thinking that he learnt from his mistakes and grew from it, for her to enjoy.

How people can be so hurtful and lack remorse is something I cannot comprehend. I loved him more than anyone ever has, can’t believe he so easily chose to lose me. But as he replaced me so quickly I don’t think he’ll miss the gap where I would be sadly.

Can’t wait for the book. And I’d love you both to do some podcasts!!! I’ve listened to your course every morning since I bought it xxx

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DM me a picture on Instagram anytime my friend. I love you. You are never, ever alone and I feel the same way about animals. xx

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Natasha, I hope you know how much what you do matters. It saves lives and you are a healer. Thank you for introducing us to Lorelle. Lorelle, I feel that this is your most open and vulnerable post yet (I love them all though x). Like you, I was a child of emotional abuse. Thank you for shedding light on this in such a profound way.

The reason that I am commenting is because I am in at the lowest I have ever been in my life. I caught the love of my life in lies. A lot of lies.

These lies were about the most stupid and miniscule things to some very big ones. I know that he is sorry. He has apologized in every way that Natasha says a truly remorseful person should. I miss him and I want to get back with him so bad Lorelle but I don’t trust him at all. I don’t trust if he was to tell me he was going to go visit his Grandmother or go to the mall. This is because he lied about things that were so small too.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to carry on. The only thing that has kept me emotionally and physically alive is this blog. Any help would be appreciated. X

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Hello Private,

I want you to know I have read your words many times before I replied. I understand you are in a hard place and you are so brave to share that. I know that because there have been times in my life I haven’t been able to share or find a voice at all. Thank you for your words, and yes Natasha and what she does really matters. To many of us.

When someone lies to you, in the way your ex has lied to you, it changes things. When people tell little lies, you know you can’t trust them on the big things. Because what is the purpose of telling little lies? What was he wanting to achieve? I know you miss him, but I think there is part of you too, that doesn’t want to connect with him again, even though you want him back in some ways. ❣️

BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Really soft and gentle. Because right now, you need that love and kindness. It takes everything ‘real’ out of your relationship when you know they are always lying to you. Because like you said, you just cannot trust him anymore.
Did he tell you why he was doing this?

There are sometimes no answers as to why we treated a certain way by someone. And it is even more shattering when you know they were lying to cover up things they were doing behind your back. Leading a double life or covering their tracks.
Trust is such a huge thing for me too. I let people in my life very slowly. I hold the things most important to me close to my heart, because I want to protect those parts of me. I share my life with people like petals opening on a flower. Slowly. Over time. I am always referred to as a ‘very private person’ by people I work with. They may have worked with me for five years and know virtually nothing.

Here is the deal though. Whenever I got played, I could look back and see that long term, there was nothing in that transaction that would have served me well. But I would somehow close off a little more, and reveal even less about myself. Over time, this becomes isolating and lonely. Wanting to connect to someone is a HEALTHY sign. I am grateful you want him back in the sense that you are looking for connection.

Your gut is telling you though that he cannot be trusted. And yes, he has apologised, but there were so many lies, not just one, that you are now unable to trust him on the most basic level. He is inconsistent.

I so want you to read this and find something in it that helps. So I’m going to tell you that you aren’t alone. You CAN carry on. Keep reading this blog and especially all the articles on self love, boundaries (you have them if you are feeling the way you do!!!) and moving on. Look up the words happiness and wellness. There are posts here by Natasha that are stellar about all those things.

You KNOW his behaviour doesn’t add up. You KNOW you are struggling with it all, because after so many times, he has sadly revealed himself to you. And it isn’t the man you gave your heart to.

Its ok to miss someone who treated you badly, because before you discovered that something was wrong, you were happy with them. But some things are deal breakers, and for you, this is one of them.

TRUST your instincts on this. You can miss him, but if you truly feel you can no longer trust him, TRUST that gut message and hold on to it.
I say that, because I have given second chances to the wrong one, and my initial reaction was feeling crushed and broken. I wanted to trust though, so I did try again. Nothing changed. If anything, it got worse. Crushed again. Smaller pieces this time.

I hear your words. I understand your pain. I know you don’t deserve to feel that pain. And if his apology had resonated with you, you may not be doubting him now. Something is holding you back. So trust that instinct. Please write back if you need to. I will reply. Promise!
When you are feeling this low, it is hard to want to get up. That is where being kind to yourself comes in. Take lots of warm showers. Get extra sleep. Eat food that fills you up with nourishment.

It can make you feel like a piece of shit when you are betrayed. You can feel worthless. But you are not worthless. Keep those boundaries firm. Accept things that make you feel good. Trust is a gift. It isn’t just given though. Randomly. Choose wisely. You did that. And then a tumble of lies were woven into your relationship. Lies that made no sense. Had no purpose even.

Be proud of yourself for not accepting it like it was ok. Your actions are saying it is NOT ok. At all. Be proud of your gut for speaking to you. We always have ourselves, especially in the darkest days. I have written this quote before but “the lowest ebb – is the turn of the tide’. You cannot sink lower. You are going to be ok. You got this. You are not alone. You are loved. You have value. You are needed and wanted.
Never get your self esteem from a single person or base it on their behaviour towards you. Remember, what others say and do is their stuff. Don’t buy into it.

Cry if you need to. Be sad, because it helps you heal. It is when we bury those feelings we prolong the pain. What you are feeling, is completely natural. You don’t know if you can carry on because you feel torn. But you can move forward from this. Keep that self worth high. It is what is speaking to you. If you had poor boundaries, you would accept this situation and make the most of it. Stay on your white horse and ride.

Reading your message did break my heart, but I know you can do this. Get through this. We are all here for you. You are not alone. And most importantly, you can share how you are feeling. Take it from me, after years of sharing nothing, although it is scary sometimes, letting people in is a million times better than keeping them out. But we can chose who we let in. And your gut is always on your side with that. Trust yourself.

You are loved. Write me back if you need to. XXX ???

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This <3 I am crying too hard to type any more. Love to you both - my dear Private and Lorelle.

I love seeing this love.

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Lorelle, it’s Tarane Natasha’s Mom. I am in tears over your road to this place that you have so impactfully arrived at. You should be so proud of yourself and the pearl that you always were and are. They were just the sand and this is just the beginning for you. What an incredible post. I cannot wait to meet in person one day soon. All my love to you always. XOX

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Tarane!!

So special that you message me here! And thank you for your beautiful words. You have such a way to say so much in just a simple sentence. I will not forget that you took the time to write to me. It means so much. I have been thinking of you, and I send you lots of love and positive thoughts. You are such an inspiration to all of us, and Natasha is full of the same heart you have. Loving, giving and nurturing. It is through people like you both, that we learn to trust again. To let others in. To stop hiding and to feel that we are enough. Despite what life may have shown us at times.

Thank you for your words and love. I send much love back, and I love the pearl analogy. It’s beautiful like you. Thank you again for your words. And I’m sending lots of Australian sunshine to you, and once again, thank you for the time you spent to write this. It’s touched my heart. It reminds me to always keep the faith. I am blessed. Hugs. Love. Blessings to you, beautiful, sweet Tarane xxx ????

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Love you Mom/best friend/soulmate and everything around and in between.

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This blog and this post has healed and helped me more than 19 years of counseling and therapy ?

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Any way I can help, I am here as is this tribe.

What an incredible compliment Erin – I have so much respect for the psychological professional community and am so happy and honored to help.

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Erin,

It’s so special to know you here and I agreee with Natasha. It’s such an honour. Keep coming here and filling yourself up. It’s so good to feel empowered and able to move forward. You’re full of self awareness and that’s a quality that always serves us well. Self love and love from others, it all feels good. I really want to promote that. When I read words like yours, it inspires me to keep focused on that. Thank you so much, Erin and big hugs. Love xxx
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I loved this Lorelle – thank you for sharing your strength and experience on this crucial topic. I apologize for the length of this comment; please don’t feel as though you need to respond to everything here.

I believe that trust is a decision. When we are betrayed, we have the power to grant our trust back to our betrayer: it is our choice. There is no right or wrong answer to the question of when to grant trust because every betrayal is different and that heterogeneity makes a one-size-fits-all response difficult to construct.

When we are struggling with deciding whether to re-grant trust, I think it’s important that we not expect a betrayer to “earn” our trust back. If we adopt that position (you have to earn my trust back) then we are implicitly assuming a superior position over the betrayer. The problem with pursuing that one-up, one-down sort of relationship is that the roles will inevitably reverse, and we will find ourselves in an inferior position. It’s exhausting and uncomfortable.

The best relationships are those between equals. So if we decide to fix broken trust with a system that assigns the betrayed a superior position over the betrayer, we are choosing a solution that will guarantee an emotional wrestling match with our partner to get into the superior/exalted position for as long as the relationship lasts. It is an inferior form of relationship.

This is why forgiveness is a prerequisite, as you write here. It reminds us that we are okay, and that we don’t need to collect a tax from our partner to be okay. If we need that tax to feel okay, that’s a slam-dunk indicator that something is not right with us. Demanding that our partners earn our trust back is akin to being a gangster, waiting for protection payments every week. Or similar to being a vampire, feeding on the “good deeds” of our partner to stay alive. Those are purely transactional relationships, and I think that’s a hollow and unfulfilling choice.

So how do we decide whether to grant our trust to someone who hurt or disappointed us? We can examine two things: the strength of our bond with our partner, and perhaps more importantly, what role we have played in creating the climate under which that person felt empowered to violate our boundaries.

One could write a book on how to evaluate the strength of a relationship bond. So I won’t try to offer prescriptions here, other than to say we should avoid the sunk-cost fallacy. There are lots of explanations of the sunk cost fallacy in the economics literature but briefly the takeaway is this – just because we have invested a lot in the past to build the bond does not mean we have to invest in the future. The “money” is already spent.

As for our role in creating the climate in which the betrayal took place, everyone is (again) different. What I have learned from being in this situation (unfortunately more than once) is that I liked being in relationships with partners I couldn’t trust. I liked catching them in their betrayals, and I liked feeling victimized. Because when I was victimized, it allowed me to assume an exalted position over my partner and feel superior (“look at what a great person I am and how poorly you treated me, aren’t you a terrible person, etc.”). And that superior position gave me control, which is what I valued most. Who’s the sick person here?!

I willingly granted trust to women who objectively did not merit it so I could engage in a slow-burning manipulative scheme to ensnare my partner in her own deceit so I could gain a measure of control over her. Viewed in the clear light of hindsight, it was naked self-destruction.

Self-love is the antidote. Thanks Lorelle.

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Brandon,

This needs to be published. I was the same way – You bring up a really interesting point that I am now going to expand on in another post. Thank you.

I have saved every one of your comments and gone back to them – They’ve gotten me out of paralysis and through some of my hardest times.

What a gift you have and how lucky I am to call you a lifelong friend, soulmate and inspiration. Your comments inspire my work and your love and connection are more appreciated than my words could ever express.

I love you so much my friend. xo

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Brandon!

I’ve been thinking about what to reply as your post was deep. So I was typing away on my iPad and up to my comment about the sunk-cost fallacy and my iPad died from an exhausted battery ! I charged it enough to let it get me online but alas, my comment has gone! It was close to finished too.

Not to be defeated, I’ll reply properly when I wake Friday morning, which is pretty close anyway.
I loved your writing, it was really thought provoking. I’ll be back. With a fully charged reply lol.

Goodnight til then…

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Hi again Brandon,

so this is the actual reply to yours. You have written about so many important things. A lot of sickness can exist and grow in relationships where trust issues are lurking. Recently, I read something where a guy was saying he gave his passcode on his phone to his girlfriend, so ‘she could trust him’. I remember thinking if he is going to extremes like this, she has probably suggested she doesn’t trust him, or has trust issues from previous relationships. Having a passcode to someone’s phone, so you have the ability to read emails and messages to check up on them, is unhealthy and shows complete distrust. Furthermore, if a person has something to hide, they will find another way of doing it, without you knowing, passcode or not! I was thinking too, that over time, this dynamic between the couple will most likely cause further issues.

I loved your analogies about vampires and gangsters. So true! Transactional relationships in many ways, keep us safe from intimacy, because we are just going through the motions, and as long as everything looks good from the outside, that is what matters. I love what you wrote too, about the sunk cost fallacy. Sometimes the future really doesn’t rely on the past, and sometimes the future brings things we never expected. We always take a risk when we choose to love and trust someone. Sometimes that risk pays off, and sometimes it doesn’t. But integrity helps people invest and build -stronger bonds.

I think self love is what alerts us to things that aren’t right. Even when we so want to believe in someone, our gut will sometimes tell us we cannot.
It can be hard to see that sometimes, the path we so dearly want to follow, is not what we want it to be. Self love also teaches us what we really want, because when we accept less, there is a lack of balance, and as you wrote, it can lead to all kinds of manipulations and emotional turmoil. So there we are, stuck in a murky circle that keep spinning drama and unhappiness.

When are you going to write a post? You should! Thank you for your words, Brandon. You are so eloquent and insightful. Please keep sharing. ???

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Hi Lorelle,

I agree with everything you said. I think when anyone feels it necessary to hand over their phone passcode, it’s a good indicator of enmeshment, not love. Surrendering your right to privacy so that your partner can feel comfortable is usually done to take care of their feelings, and that will generally be self-defeating. Everyone is different and some couples may be completely fine not having any boundaries on their phones…but it is important to remember that it is okay to have boundaries. When your partner says it isn’t okay to have boundaries, it’s important to get to the bottom of why they feel that way.

When we love ourselves, we can create our own sense of safety in our lives instead of looking to our partners to do it for us. As you point out, we take a risk when we choose to love someone, and that risk and uncertainty can sometimes feel uncomfortable. The trick is to avoid engaging in a passive monitoring/control scheme to make ourselves feel better about our vulnerability to our partner. Real power arises from embracing our vulnerability to other people.

Thanks for your insight into these very important issues.

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Hi Lorelle.

This was so meaningful. Thank you for writing this. I think self love is one of the hardest things to achieve. I reading this though, if I don’t have that, I do not have a good foundation to build on. I am still working on it. Maybe it will be a work in progress. I think it is holding me back from going out and meeting someone new. I have not dated in way over a year due to my breakup. I don’t trust anyone would have my interest at heart. I still for some reason hold on to the perso who ripped my heart out, humiliated me, ruined our friendship and just turned my world around. Why? No self love. This opened my eyes. I’m scared but if I work more on me, maybe I will develop the trust to let another man in.
Thank you for Lorele for this wonderful lesson. Love you and Natasha so much! Be well. ????

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Linda,

You will get there. I still struggle with this too and you are right – It is self-love that gets your head above water again. Don’t be scared – You are never alone. You need to become more scared of life passing you by than of trusting again. Do you even know how INCREDIBLE of a partner you are? There is someone out there so deserving of all that you are. First, start with you and just watch what the universe puts in your path. I am forever grateful that it put you in mine. Love you endlessly. xoxo

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Natasha, thank you. So glad that our paths not only crossed but they merged together. I’m so blessed.
I am working slowly on me. I so appreciate you and all I learn here. I love you and will continue on my path.
Be well my sister and know you are not alone either. Cannot wait for the book??

????

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Hello beautiful Linda!

So good to read you here. Sorry for the delayed response… but I’m so happy to read your words. You are doing just great on your journey. You are. Don’t look too far ahead. There’s no time limit – but remind yourself of where you have come from. I say don’t look too far ahead because I think learning to just live in the present is such a healthy and positive thing. . It can be hard though. Don’t worry that you haven’t dated for awhile, that time will come and there’s no rush.

You have so much to offer. You have come so far. You have a beautiful heart. Just enjoy being you, and being around people who make you feel good about yourself. That connect with you. Self love grows when you are true to yourself and stop trying to fit in and please those aren’t really in your sphere.

You are more intuitive than you give yourself credit for, Linda. Trust yourself. I promise it will pay you in spades.

Much love to you, xxx ???
Keep your heart warm and full. Self love beats within you on the daily. Xx ❤️

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?????. Thank you so much my friend. I love you and all you give. Your words touched me very much.
I will remember your words always. I wish you a happy holiday and a year full of good health and happiness.
Cannot wait to read ,ore of your posts.

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Lorelle this is such a good post, I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve been trying to write a comments for the last 2 days and can’t find the words right now. I am so emotional and grateful.

Thank you. Just thank you. ??

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Ella!

Wow! That’s melted my heart, to read your words. I’m truly so happy this meant something to you and that you connect in a way that can bring something positive to you. That’s what brings me happiness. Sometimes we don’t have to say much to say a lot, and your reply has said so much. I’m grateful too. Because your words truly melted my heart. Thank you, Ella. xx
?❤️?

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I love the topic and all the contents, you guys give amazing advice. Here’s what I’ve done after my ex back stabbed me, cheated, lied.. I was too traumatized to trust and I shouldn’t have been dating at all but I felt so lost and empty And in so much pain I needed someone to fill that void. I tried classes, friends, chopping my hair off and dying it blonde and eventually date again but It felt like I was up against the same scnario, I couldn’t trust no matter who I was trying to date. My attempt to date someone only lasted a couple of weeks before braking up or ghosting them! I just couldn’t find peace until finally I met someone mentally stronger than me, he didn’t care for my bs and continued seeing each other for a few month then I got attached to him. Bingo! I completely forgot my ex which I thought was immpossile, that felt amazing but I couldn’t trust him and got into million fights with him until he just couldn’t take it anymore and he left me. He felt that no matter how much he tried I would never trust him and without trust it didn’t work, on his side. I realized what I’ve done finally but he was done completely finished and moved on, I watched him move on. It took that type of pain to finally learn that if you don’t treat them good they leave but I was too broken to understand that. I read another uplifting quote and I thought to share “forget revenge, forget karma let the emotions pass and keep your soul pure” xxx

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Daniella, it is completely ok to fuck it up in life.
I re read what you wrote so many times, and bless you, because you are beautiful, and like all of us, you did the best that you could, even when you were down.

Know that, in all of this, its ok. It really is ok. You have done the best you could. And you have learnt so many valuable life lessons. Its ok. Because life is a journey, and sometimes we take a wrong turn. A pure soul is all that matters. And a pure soul is a gift. You have one of those, and I know you will be ok …even thrive, because of it. You are beautiful. You are enough. Just let yourself shine. Much love to you. xxx Thank you for sharing. You are beautiful.. You are enough .⭐️?

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Lorelle, such an amazing post as always from you!
So grateful for both you and Natasha, and everything I’ve learned from you guys. Both of you are just pure love and light and it really shines through in what you write and the support you give to so many readers out there.

Really resonate with the “fall down seven times – stand up eight” as I feel it pretty sums up the last two years of my life (or what I would call the f*cktard era of my life lol). I’ve made mistakes over and over again, but it is also what I’ve learned and grown from.
I’m still healing and trying to let go of the trauma and hurt I’ve experienced. But I feel like I’m finally at a place where my boundaries are intact, and I have the self love and knowingness that I deserve to be loved and treated well my relationships (whether it be family, friends etc).

This post came at a great time for me as Ive currently met someone I like, but I’m struggling with trusting again. This time (like both you and Natasha have said) I’m going to take the time to really get to know them while still keeping my standards high/follow my intuition. While also reminding myself of taking care of me/loving myself and remember that true peace and happiness can only come from within.

Much love to both of you!
xx Mishaell

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“Fall down seven – stand up eight… Hello lovely Mishaell….always follow your gut. And trust it. There is such beauty in morals and standards. Because they represent something. Values, boundaries. The way you want to live your life. It is true. Our ability to love ourselves dictates the rest to come. Always keep those standards high. They dictate everything else.

So grateful for you too, Mishaell. We are all connected. And connecting is everything. Self love is everything. It really does begin from within. Much love to you . xxxx You got this. Believe it. xxx ❤️? Much love and Christmas wishes too. xxx I love hearing from you.xxx ❤️?

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