How to stop missing someone is one of those subjects that I’ve tried to avoid writing about, just because of the sheer impossibility of it. ALL I want to do is help people out of pain, suffering, self sabotage and patterns that I know all too well. So, how could I reduce to a light switch, the kind of pain and longing that hijacks your joy, your consciousness, your thoughts and your heart?

How could I remedy through my words, a wound that runs so deep, it allows your deepest fears to burst out of a closet that you thought you had bolted shut?

I didn’t think I could I compete with that kind of wildfire, until I found myself in the middle of a blaze bigger than ever before.

I get asked everyday, “How do I stop missing him/her? I’ll do anything. I just want to stop feeling this pain. I’m exhausted… but I just can’t.let.go. HELP.”

And I’ve been there. OMG have I been there.

I get it, I feel your pain and I’m feeling it with you right now. Although my current pain isn’t rooted in romance, it doesn’t matter. Pain is pain. This isn’t a competition, this is something that we ALL feel and every ounce of it is valid because it’s OURS.

Since my Grandma died a few weeks ago, I wake up every morning feeling like I’m drowning. I have good moments, but the pain of missing her seems to have a radar that extinguishes any kind of inch toward movement. Experiencing the death of a loved one is excruciating, but at the very least, comfort can be found in the finality that death embodies. Finality is an extremely painful and difficult reality to accept, but you can rely on the knowingness that it’ll never change and thus, organically and at your own pace, accept, appreciate, grow and evolve.

I truly believe that breakups can be harder to deal with than death because with breakups, there’s never really a finality. Death by breakup is always subject to resurrection. It’s weird. You could be completely moved on, a year down the line enjoying yourself at dinner and all of a sudden, you get a “happy birthday!” text.

And just like that… they’ve resurrected from the graveyard. If only for a moment.

When it comes to figuring out how to stop missing someone, what do you do when you’re mourning the death of someone that’s living and breathing?

I miss my Mom everyday. I miss the person that she was before cancer. Most people wouldn’t notice much because she doesn’t skip a beat, but I do. I miss her and I struggle with how to turn off, or at least lessen that yearning for what was and for what my heart hopes will someday be again. I can never fully trust that hope though, because there’s always this looming fear of the cancer showing up somewhere else, just as it did after her first surgery last year. I beat myself up and feel guilty for even expressing these feelings when her situation could be so much worse.

That’s the thing with pain though. Not only does it NOT discriminate, but once it permeates… guilt, self sabotage, fear, anger & a destructive level of MISSING, will take on a life of its own as long as you continue fertilizing it.

This got me thinking about past relationships and missing exes. I remember missing an ex so much, everyone that I encountered did nothing but highlight every detail of his absence. My decisions, lack of maturity and lack of honesty were a big reason for the relationship ending. Because of that, I began to disproportionately beat myself up after he dumped me, sinking lower and lower into “I’ll-never-get-over-him-or-love-again,” hell.

& that’s when the sh*t really hit the fan.

As I sunk lower and lower into the self blame, I didn’t realize that because I had sunk so low, I would have to look up higher and higher whenever I thought of him. This inverted pedestaling, not only upped my feelings of hopelessness, but it caused complete blindness to his shortcomings.

Because I was so busy beating myself up and doing everything I could to re-traumatize and reaffirm that I was indeed forgettable, discardable and worthless, I failed to remember that there were 2 PEOPLE in the relationship with their OWN shortcomings and faults.

There was nothing I could do except watch (through a fake social media account because I had been blocked), how his life was so much better without me in it. How could he not miss me and just be so okay? How could he just forget about me and everything we had?

It doesn’t matter if you’re trying to figure out how to stop missing an ex that wasn’t good for you, an ex that was the love of your life or if you’re dealing with death or another kind of loss.

WHAT REALLY MATTERS: you need a way out of the pain, out of the stagnation and OUT of the life-robbing MISSING-ness.

Here’s how to stop missing someone when you’re so heartbroken, you feel like you’ve already died an emotional death.

HOW TO STOP MISSING SOMEONE: rule #1: know the common denominator.

Missing someone that you love is normal, but when it starts impending upon your emotional well being and livelihood, the common denominator is always: a failure to accept by means of avoidance. 

We engage in avoidance because as long as we can avoid acceptance (& continue to argue with reality), we have a valid reason to cockblock our own healing.

By doing this, we renew our license to continue to partake in self blame.

Think about it – as long as you truly believe that you’re the only one to blame, you can keep engaging in the inverted pedestaling, hold onto the relationship for dear life and you get to avoid having to deal with yourself on the kind of level that making REAL change requires.

When you spend your entire day focusing on how awful you are, there’s a 110% chance that you’re going to miss the sh*t out of the one person that put up with all of yours.

You’ve now entered a mindset that’s based more in the delusion of your fears than the reality you’re avoiding. Establishing a healthy relationship with reality is necessary to ACCEPT, so that you can feel your feelings and heal despite the heartbreak associated with loss and missing someone.

HOW TO STOP MISSING SOMEONE rule #2: stop running.

Before I got into yoga, I used to run on the treadmill everyday. I’d run to the point of being drenched in sweat and completely out of breath. It’s funny because looking back, running was a total form of escapism for me.

I literally RAN to the point of such exhaustion, I couldn’t even think or breathe. Yoga showed me that the answers are all in maintaining breath, not losing it.

Yoga held a mirror up to me that I could no longer run from and proved that I was more of an emotional runner than I ever was a physical one. This is why I’ll sometimes cry during a yoga flow. I’m no longer running – physically or emotionally. 

When you’re searching for how to stop missing someone, first examine how fast you’ve been running. Today, I still deal with pain, longing, missing and heartbreak. The only difference is that I feel my feelings, independent of my value. I no longer run from my feelings and devalue myself in the process.

I used to be just like a dog that would bury the bone and run. I’d bury my un-dealt-wth trauma and literally run into the next relationsh*t because I had no idea how to be on my own, process, heal and feel good about myself without anyone to impress.

I convinced myself that if I just found someone that could “make me happy,” the buried bones would either disappear, or I’d magically have the confidence to go back and dig them up.

Today, I get into relationships – whether they be romantic or friendships – BECAUSE I feel good about myself, I know who I am and I’m happy. NOT to make me feel good about myself, tell me who I am and make me happy.

You can’t expect a relationship to give you what you’re unable to give yourself.

The more I ran, the more I could blame myself and ACT upon that blame by making poor decisions BASED SOLEY UPON the low standard that my fears had convinced me, I needed to hold myself to.

My fate was soon in the hands of a f*cktard – the ones I attracted and the one I had become.

HOW TO STOP MISSING SOMEONE rule #3: it’s not this… it’s ALL that.

I learned the hard way that there were only so many bones I could bury and so much running I could do before it all caught up with me. I was so busy swinging like a crazed ape from one drama to the next; one relationsh*t to the next, that I never dealt with any of my pain, my grief and my issues. I couldn’t, it was too painful and it required the only thing that I was incapable of – doing it on my own. So, I kept looking for a guy to be my Happily Ever After and do all the legwork for me by making my happy, completing me, etc., so I could have the strength to face my pain now that I was “whole.”

Because I kept running and never dealt with anything, that relationship that I talked about in the beginning of the this post (the one that I messed up), completely capsized me emotionally. I was so devastated, I couldn’t leave the house. I didn’t even want to shower. Our break up was so much more painful than anything else because it reopened all of these un-dealt-with wounds of my past.

And because I was too emotionally vulnerable from being dumped to deal with the all of the unearthed bones that I thought were buried, my low self esteem convinced me that this completely unglued emotional state was more of an indicator of my ex’s irreplaceable value than it was of my  avoidance & lack of self love.

Be thankful for your pain. When you’re in a state of gratitude, nothing can f*ck with you. Am I still sad over the change that’s transpired in my life? Am I still struggling with figuring out how to stop missing someone? Yes.

But guess what?

I’ve changed too. I used the pain as fuel instead of allowing it to bend me over. Discomfort is the only emotion you’ll ever need to make a lasting change.

You have to be uncomfortable enough to want a way out so badly, you’re no longer avoidant because you’re no longer scared. You too uncomfortable to even notice fear; you don’t have time to. You just ACT.

Put your pain in checkmate and watch your life transform.

Now, I’m so grateful for everything that’s transpired because it light the kind of fire under my ass that nothing else could have. It made so me hungry to expand my business and my reach, I didn’t care what my fears had to say. It gave me courage. Am I still scared? Definitely, but the difference now is: I do it anyway. 

Trying to figure out how to stop missing someone is tricky, but it’s not impossible. There’s nothing wrong with missing someone. It’s human and it’s normal (as long as you are missing them in the context of reality, not your delusional fears).

Adopt the 3 rules above and yes, it’ll still hurt, but I promise… light will start to appear at the end of a tunnel that you were convinced, didn’t have an ending.

And until you get to the end of that tunnel… I’m right here, flashlight in hand 🙂

Love you all.

xx Natasha

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30 comments

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This couldn’t have come at a better time 😊 thank you!!! You are goals 💃🏻

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❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ This!!!

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You are ffing brilliant, Natasha. You are able to put effectively into words what goes on and how to think about it. When I started reading this post, I thought I’d add an extremely insightful lesson I learned to your comments, but I see now, it is just an addendum, and that you have covered the gist of it all brilliantly, and by that, you can say Most Helpfully. What I was going to say is a more rephrased of something you said. In my case, what helped free me from the pain of the guy who did all the loving things (did them honestly, not to mess me up; he just decided it was infatuation, didn’t want to commit anymore, Whatever!) For me, I first analyzed how I was reacting to the withdrawal of his long-touted feelings. I would accuse, place blame, try to say things that would intrigue or bring him back, hate him, get backup support from my girlfriends who obligingly hated him too (Bless them all!). Was the Victim because I wanted him back. But it didn’t work. THEN I began to look at my reactions: blame, blame, blame. And I said to myself, “Wait– what about his freedom to feel what he feels, to chose what he wants and what he doesn’t want? What about his freedom to change his mind? Women certainly tout that right! But it’s for Everybody! What right do I have to try to stifle his freedom to do whatever he chooses? We weren’t engaged. He is not my moral indentured servant. So– I began to feel that I was reacting unfairly. Sure it’s human to hurt a lot. But you have to deal with the hurt (see Natasha!) And then I had to RESPECT his right to feel what he felt. His right not to choose what I wanted or whatever he’d changed his mind about. And I began to see things differently. Instead of demanding selfishly and irrationally that he feel what he didn’t, I saw that I had choices too; to back away from the self-abuse of revisiting the memories of the past all the time; to honor that we all have choices, and that I needed to choose something that would be better for me. I’m older & joined a dating site, and it is rewarding to feel that men want to get to know you better. It doesn’t mean that a unicorn (hehe!) will ride in, but that I can live in the now and remember that I must respect myself first. If Someone contacts me and I am not interested, it doesn’t mean that he’s a Loser. He is someone else’s prince. But just as my ex looks for whatever makes up his princess, I have the right to choose whom I’m attracted to, and I’m half of whether it continues or not. I just must live every day in the now, and Believe Me, I have to remind myself of all this many times, but it seems to really get more realistic. And I will say, that Natasha reinforces all these things in ways that no one else have ever come across, so Thank You for that, Natasha ♥

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Hi Jeanette! Thanks so much for sharing – you are amazing 🙂 So happy that the post helped!! xx

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Natasha!!
This made me cry and is exactly what you I’m going through.
You are a guru!!

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It takes one to know one 🙂 So glad it helped! All my love to you soul sister. XO

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Oh, oops, I really needed to gt rid of the prince/princess terminology above, sorry, wish I could edit my above post. Just shows sometimes how you look for someone to “make” you feel, rather giving yourself that respect and honoring yourself first. All I know is, after reading Natasha’s post, I’m going to work on honoring my feelings, acknowledging them, rather than putting on the fake smile. And I’m sure it’s gonna be a lot of work.♥

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I totally get it. So proud of and happy for you Jeanette. You are loved, supported and believed in. Thanks for being a part of this tribe 🙂

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My gosh, I got the chills and had to hold back tears. Thank you for holding the flashlight till I make it out this damn tunnel!

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WE will make it out. Hand in hand 🙂 x

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Love me some Natasha ♥ thanks for your words and heart – always!

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Likewise Wyatt!

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Thank you for the very important reminders to feel the pain. My father just died unexpectedly, and as devastated as I am, feeling the grief and then feeling grateful for my life and my family has made this pain so much more bearable.

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Leslie, my heart is broken as I write this. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain, loss and grief you’re experiencing. Sending you and your family love. I’ll email you. X

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Very beautiful Natasha. I’m sorry for your loss – and I understand what you write about your Mom too.
When someone you love suffers or is lost – there is no way out of what it makes you feel. You really do live with it everyday.
I lost my beautiful sweet Mum on August 29th last year. Her six month anniversary was last month but there was no 29th of February to mark it. It was hard because I feel like that date – that number has huge significance in my life now. She passed away at dawn – and getting up at that time of day is the most precious way of making me feel close to her.

I will tell you a trick – I call her cell phone so it goes to message bank just to hear her voice.
But oh my – I miss her. I find her though in my life in lots of ways – things I do just like her. Recipes she taught me and wisdom she gave me. Gifts she gave me and songs she sang to me when I was a little girl.

Acceptance – it does help. And it allows your feelings of pain and despair soften… they sort of get diluted in the tears and memories and although the pain is still there – it becomes less abrasive.

I’m sorry about your Grandma – she’s still with you. But I know the hollow feeling that seems to exist after they leave. I can’t talk about my Mumetta ( my special name foe her) but I can write about her. It’s a start. ❤

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Lorelle, I want to jump through the computer screen and give you the biggest hug. I’m in tears after reading this. “Thank you,” is simply not enough. I look up to you – you are stronger than you’ll ever know, more beautiful than you could ever imagine and more brave than you ever thought you could be. I have no doubt that your beautiful Mumetta led you to this post – not because I wrote it or you needed to read it – but so we could connect. All my love to you soul sister. You words healed more than mine could ever describe. I am so appreciative of the light that you are. xxxxxx

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You’re so beautiful Natasha. Thank you for your words. Don’t under estimate the power of what you write – you touch many souls and hearts through your blog. I’ve come here many times and felt loved and soothed by your words. You have started a revolution based on self love and honesty with your articles. You’re using your gift and you do it with so much love. Thank you.

Love and light to you xxx Hugs from Australia

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Lorelle – When I’m in in Australia (I hope to visit/be speaking there one day soon), I cannot wait to give you a big hug in person. Thank you for being the light that you are. Love you soul sister. XX

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Oh Natasha
This hits me square in the face (heart). Feeling worthless and not worth fighting for and replaceable all hurts to think about. And it does make it ALL my fault. Logically i know it’s not all me but the pain confuses me and keeps me wondering WTF is wrong with me?!??!! Anyone in my shoes would turn away and never look back. Like run away.
Your heartfelt, inspirational and smart insight helps me so much. Wish you were on a podcast so I could always have your words in my ear to remind me of your supportive words when I’m having a down time. Which happens to be way too often.

XOX

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I’m all smiles 🙂 Just knowing it helped means everything to me. Podcast coming soon! I cant wait. Love you soul sis. XO

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PS I’m terribosorry for your loss. Both women must have been and still so proud of you with all the help you bring to us that suffer in differing ways. Your grandma is looking down at you with so much love and pride I bet.

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Made me cry. Thanks from the bottom of my heart. <3

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I’ve been through grieving losing my dear mum 14years ago and I am now going through being dumped from a great height by a guy I thought would never hurt me and as you said the pain of grieving for someone still out there living their life is actually more stabbing and acute than grieving someone who didn’t have a choice but to leave.
This guy dumped me after 2years when we were speaking about moving in together saying that he didn’t want my 11yr old son (the son who of course has been here the whole 2yrs we were dating). He said this and then blocked me almost immediately like I am dead to him.
How do I get over this?

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Hi Jasmine! I’m so deeply sorry about the loss of your Mom and the pain that you’re experiencing now. I wish that I could advise, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give specific advice/answers in the comments.

Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested.

All my love to you soul sister.

You’re not alone X

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Thank you so much, Natasha…knowing that I am not alone in this, that others have gone before me, and have come out ahead…is the comfort I need…I’ve always given too much of myself to men that were not worthy of my awesomeness…from reading your articles, I am finally learning how not to do that anymore…Self love is the greatest gift we can give ourselves…
PS…on a more humorous note, believe it or not, but one of my epiphanies came from one of your articles where u said that it was a little confusing that the trash wasn’t supposed to take itself out…when I read that, I laughed and I cried all at the same time…because my trash took itself out about 3 weeks ago…how much luckier can I be! When I start feeling sad, I remember that…and probably will for life…

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Hi Naomi! LOL! YESSS! I’m honored to have helped 🙂 you are loved, understood, supported, empathized with and never, ever alone. All my love to you soul sister. XOX

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I come to your site quite often, especially lately as I am experiencing a painful heartbreak. I just feel so lost and confused. I miss my ex more than anything in the world and although it has been about a month I still feel so much pain from time to time and I want to know when this will go away!! We had a clean break up (I def. stayed on my white horse that’s for sure) and when analyzing our relationship, it really wasn’t terrible and he wasn’t totally awful either, he was just emotionally unavailable from time to time and I deserved someone who was going to be there 100% of the time. But I almost wish he was terrible to me so I could just stop all these feelings and move on without the hope that one day we will meet again and work it out.

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Hi Al! I’m glad that the posts have helped and know exactly how you feel and what you mean. You’re not alone. XOXO

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Hello Natasha. Thank you for sharing this. God bless you!

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Thanks Ab! 🙂 I’m so happy and honored to help. XOXO

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