One thing that I’ve always a hard time with is bouncing back after a breakup and trying to figure out how to stop hurting.

I’m much better now than I was years ago, but every now and then, something happens and I find myself stuck on feelings of pain and rehashing the past.

One year after a very painful breakup, I still felt completely stuck. How could he just forget about me and move on so quickly with another girl? Didn’t I mean anything to him? Wasn’t I enough?

I hadn’t been enough for him because I believed that I wasn’t good enough for anyone – myself included. You can’t get someone to see in you what you can’t see in yourself.

I was devastated. So what did I do? I would go involve myself with another emotionally unavailable guy or a new friend that I felt like I had to “win over” and somehow compete for their love and attention. And as long as I involved myself with people like this, I never had to deal with the pain of my past. Even though I was in pain, I wasn’t really doing anything to get to the root of it.

I didn’t know how to stop hurting. My pain was a weed that I kept spraying the repellent of denial on, instead of taking the time to get the right tools and uproot it once and for all.

How do you get unstuck when you don’t know how to stop hurting?

What kept me stuck was a lack of self-love. I had zero belief that I could get or feel any better. My confidence was gone. And even though I felt like I was dealing with my pain just because I always felt it, I wasn’t. At all. Constantly feeling is not dealing. You would never treat your physical health this way so why continue operating at the cost of your emotional body?

I was like a car running for a year with the break alert light on. My breaks finally gave out and I hit a wall.

When I learned how to properly feel my way through the pain, I started to embrace those feelings. This allowed me to stop emotionally shutting down whenever something made me feel vulnerable or when I felt like I was at risk of being abandoned or rejected.

This is exactly why I’m such an advocate for not contacting your ex after a breakup. Even though you miss him and are heartbroken, you must grieve. Grieve the death of the person that you thought existed. Know that they have not changed and understand that this is a symptom of you needing to turn inward. You have a real shot at having the kind of relationships, friendships, and life that you’ve always dreamed of. Don’t let it pass you by.

If you don’t know how to stop hurting, the only way to unclog that nasty toilet for good is to feel the pain and work through it by taking action and facing your fears, head on. Heal, deal and release. Flush the sh*t.

If you acknowledge that you are hurting and that pain is residing within you, what will happen to that pain? If you stop fighting it, acknowledge that it’s there, and commit to feeling it and working through it, what will be of the pain then? Just like the house alarm that goes crazy when you walk in and it won’t stop blaring until you enter the pass , you’ll begin to disarm the pain and the hold it has on you.

The reason you can’t stop hurting and feel trapped in your feelings is the same reason that you keep revisiting and attracting the same, hurtful dynamics and relationships. This is all you know. It’s familiar and to you – it’s home. Sometimes home is NOT where the heart is. Sometimes home is a dirty, painful, and f*cked up place that needs a deep cleaning.

To move past this once and for all, you need to honor and acknowledge the bad, the ugly, the painful, the good… everything. 

Yes, of course, remembering the pain was hard but it allowed me to make the commitment to myself to work through my unresolved feelings as opposed to working against them.

Your great, great, great, great grandparents kicked their asses to stay strong and stay alive so that you could be here and decide to take action now. Not so you could live a life of “destined” misery, get rejected undeserving people, and be forever broken. The End.

You are built to prevail and you can get out of the pain. 

We’ve got each other.

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help with your breakup, please look into working with me here.

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38 comments

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You are absolutely beautiful in that photo and always xoxxx

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OMG I know! So beautiful Natasha

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I really enjoyed this article and it struck a chord with me. Sometimes when I read some of your words, I get chills. You are so right about everything and you’re doing a whole lot of good. More than you know. You are so talented and appreciated and loved. I can’t wait to do the giveaway!

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WOW. I just woke up and got my alert that you posted. Loved this post! I so needed this. I have been stuck on hurting from the breakup with my emotionally unavailable ex and this just gave me so much hope and so much valuable advice that I know I can follow. You make me feel so strong Natasha. I just want to be as amazing and strong as you. Hope you had a great weekend. I loved your Insta posts!!

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XOXO

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I love this post. It’s nice because this can be towards friendships or relationships. It hits home in both situations, You need or strive for the validation.. This is amazing.. Thank you Natasha

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I’ve been going through a breakup, and over the past two weeks, I haven’t been able to stop crying and thinking, “what could I have done differently?” I stuck with him through his infidelities, constant lies, and a total lack of respect for me on his part. Yet, I kept (and to be honest, keep) asking myself, “Why wasn’t I enough? What should I done differently?”

I found your blog last night and spent hours reading through your words, feeling like they immediately struck a chord with me. I could have been writing these words! Thank you so much for sharing your feelings — they’ve already helped me immensely.

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I wonder how you feel now. I am feeling the same way you did and I can not believe that I allowed my self to be so vulnerable.

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I recently had a break up and it’s been a month now. He was my first love and has already moved on within the first couple of weeks. Nothing seemed to make sense with all the hurt when it first happened. It still doesn’t until I read your post, everything seems to relate to my pain and I feel like for once I’m not alone and the feelings I’m having are normal as everyone seems to be telling me to get a grip. I feel it’s helping me deal correctly with this second dose of pain from the heart break and hurt of him moving on. So thank you for writing such a honest post that I can finally relate too and help me without feeling so alone.

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I can’t thank you enough. You’re feeling are normal and you are never, ever alone- email me any time XOXO

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Natasha,

You will never know how much I needed to find this blog today.

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Thanks Annie! I’m glad you’re here 🙂 xo

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I had my first break up 2 months ago. He was my first for a lot of things. For the past 2 years I was emotionally distancing myself in preparation of the inevitable moment that it would end. I was with him for a total of 5 years. For the past two months I’ve been fine, but today it was like a flood gate opened and I can’t breathe. Everything hurts, and I have this sharp pain at the base of my throat. I miss him so much.

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I found this site over the summer and it has helped me so much. I thank you Natasha for sharing so much of your inner self and feelings. Please know it has truly helped me and made me feel less alone since my breakup.

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That’s all I care about <3 So happy that the blog has helped and honored to have played a part in your healing and realizations. Thanks Charlotte! You are loved, supported, understood and never alone. XOXO

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I was with my ex for 4 years, and even after we broke up I stuck around for another year “unofficially” but waiting for him to work on himself and realise he couldn’t live without me. He never wanted to communicate, he would completely shut down every time I wanted to have a serious conversation, you know, about our future together. I felt like I had forced him into loving me, into living with me and into getting engaged, I knew In my mind he didn’t want any of it, but I thought I was the girl that had come along and changed him, and that he loved me so much he wanted it all too. Last week, I saw him with another girl, we had been together just 2 days prior. I felt sick to my stomach, I have never been in such a state and so blindsided. I spend the next few days obsessively googling something, anything to give me an answer! How could he! Does he miss me! Why her! Who is she!!!?? Then I came across your blog and i finally felt like I wasn’t so alone, I come on it every few hours to get my thoughts straight again. Thank you xx

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Hi Samantha! I’m so happy that the blog has helped! You are far from alone – you are believed in, supported, understood, loved, empathized with and understood. Always. Thanks for being a part of this tribe! 🙂 XO

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I made this mistake too , to stay around for one year “unofficially “, mistake that I paid too high a price for

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I know this is an older blog, but good lord did it hit home with me… every. single. word! I had tears pouring as I was reading this. So much of the things you write about on your blogs are as if you have literally “walked in my shoes” my whole life… The very fact that there are so many of us who have struggled and lived through the hurt of our past and still be sane enough and brave enough to keep on moving.. speaks volumes of what that hurt and pain does to us as we grow… STRENGTH is built on mistakes of our past and learning from them and realizing we are the only ones who truly have control of our own lives and happiness.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your life experiences with all of us through your words! Don’t ever stop doing what you are doing. God has definitely touched your soul .. sister!!
Love and respect. Always.
Vicki xo

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Vicki, I’m in tears! Thank you for being you. Words can’t express my gratitude; I’m honored to have helped.

I promise to keep at it and am in the process of expanding! 🙂 Love you soul sister. xx

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I’d love to talk to people who are going through the same stuff I am. I don’t feel like anyone in my reality has a clue right now, even though I have people around. Where can I find people like that..?

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Hi….I am available to talk if you would like. Just went through a breakup and trying to move on

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I really relate to all the feelings as well. I believe the mind whether male or female after being dumped or loss must be very similar. I have been trying to bounce back after being dumped after almost 8 years living with my ex and stepson it feels impossible to get over the loss. also raising my 3 kids on my own feels very overwhelming and empty without the family dynamic we once had. I have no interest in finding dates as I still love my ex . I’m not sure how to move on :(…

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Hi Wes! Thank you for sharing. Keep coming back here to the blog. I know it’s hard. You’re not alone.

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I was recently thrown in the trash by the man I thought I’d marry. I just turned 40 and finally thought I found my Prince Charming! (After dating for what seems to be an eternity I thought I finally found him).
It takes a minute for me to fall but when I fall, I fall hard. I love deeply. I’ve always been highly sensitive. Long story short, I fell for a recently divorced guy who swore up one side and down the other that he was over his ex-wife. Life was beautiful with him. But as quickly as the magic came, it left. I finally thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel only to discover it was an oncoming train. Now my heart is in pieces.

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You are loved, understood, empathized with, backed, believed in, supported and never alone. Sending you love <3 xo

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As a man, I can relate to this article so well. My girlfriend of 3 years stopped loving me at some point recently, though only a week earlier we were planning a life together. I am 58 and she is 46 with 3 children at home. I am devastated and reading what you wrote sums up my feelings exactly. Like so many others, I take the full blame for what happened thinking that if only I had done something differently. When she would pull away, I would try to make everything alright for her. It seems that every time that things got close to a commitment of some sort, she would back off and then I would become more needy. Now, I want nothing more than to reconcile with her though I know that if I take off the rose colored glasses for a minute that there was many problems in the relationship – very one sided. I was only at times a priority in her life. As a father, I realize that with children, they must come first, and I never asked or expected to come before them, but I often felt like an afterthought.

Now my heart is shattered, I cannot seem to get past this feeling and feel as if I will never find anyone as perfect as her and will never feel good again if I can’t be with her. I know that is not true, but it is where I am.

Thank you for writing this article. It has touched me and helped in numerous ways.

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Hi Jim! Thank you so much for taking the time to share. I have so many more posts that will help immensely with what you’re going through. Just keep coming back here to the blog and know that you are understood, supported and never alone.

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THIS is exactly what I needed reminding of today. I’ve been feeling stuck for a while now and get nervous that I’m too “comfortable” with where I’m at with this breakup. Thank you again, Natasha, for constantly inspiring me and reminding me of the better that is out there. Xox

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I’m happy to help 🙂 Always. You got this and you’re never alone.

Love you so xx

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Natasha – thank you a million times over once again. This is what I needed today. I’ve been stuck in a dark tunnel of “on and off’s “since a year and a definite off (aka stonewalled by my sociopathic narcissistic soulmate ex) since 3 months. He is calling his new flame “queen” in FB innuendos, he used to call me goddess. Some comfort there…not. The 3rd paragraph where you start by “I remember” is as if you are writing about me. It feels so nice to not feel alone. To not feel crazy. To have this sisterhood and good friends who have my back. It feels good to realize that it is I who needs to have my own back the most. I’m not quite there yet but getting there and your blog and getting the information needed to understand it all enough to process it is simply priceless. You really have every right to feel proud for what you are doing for all of us. The trauma of being discarded by a wolf in sheep’s skin only to discover that I am also at fault for being a co-dependent is something that takes a while to digest but at least this time I know that it is on me I need to work. I could not see the light for so long. It’s nice to see it again.

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I’m honored and so happy to help 🙂 Thank YOU Michelle for your love, support and for being a part of this tribe. XO

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Exactly the post I needed to find! All of your posts have helped me make so much sense of my life and why I choose for myself what I choose. Your posts give me hope and make me realize that what I’m going through is completely normal as I’ve always been given the “their is something wrong with you” message from those closest to me…it’s so empowering to know that not only is their not anything wrong with me, but that what I’m feeling has been felt by thousands of others and I can get to the other side of this pain and change my beliefs and my cycles! I love this post! Thank you for sharing, Natasha ?

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This made me tear up. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Janna. I’m so happy and honored to help. Love you sister! xx

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need this. and the other one i just read.

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<3 xoxo

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I have been drinking this blog in for the past few days. Any spare time I have, I’m here.
They all hit home, but this one really does.
My last two breakups..I almost immediately found someone new and dove right in. I never allowed myself to feel the pain. It seems so clear now as I’m in breakup number three.
I need to feel it, grieve it, work through it instead of burying it and putting a bandaid on it.
I’ve thought all this time I was alone in how I feel. That I’ll never be enough. Good enough. Pretty enough. Realizing that I am not alone and that this is a place I can relate to, vent, struggle..is a relief.
Word spread fast, and I’ve already been asked out more than once. This time, I’ve turned them down.
I need to spend some time with myself and real time getting over him..and dealing with my own issues.
I’m enrolled in the No Contact Contract course now, and I will see this through. Find me. Lose him. Stop following and constantly checking his social media.
Thank you for this safe haven, Natasha.

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Hi Leigh!

Thank YOU for your love, connection, support, and for being a part of this tribe. Thank YOU for affirming that I am not/was never alone in experiences, pain, and feelings that for so long I was convinced that I was alone in. I hope that you enjoy the course as much as I did creating it.

You are never, ever alone. I am so happy and honored to help.

All my love to you. And remember… If I can do it alone, we can definitely do it together. Believe in my belief in you. You got this.

You are incredible. Thanks for existing, Leigh. xx

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