“How To Stop HATING Yourself…” Whoa. Slow down.

The title of this post sounds harsh to me no matter how many times I read it.

We grow up being told how hate is this strong, destructive, can’t-take-back, divisive and all-around wrong emotion to carry and channel toward others.

The devastating, “need-not-engage-in” consequences of hate, however, are never emphasized to us as children nearly as much when that hate is carried and directed toward the most undeserving of all: ourselves.

“Hate,” thus becomes this term/emotion that we more often than not, use to elicit a reaction OR… it elicits a debilitating amount of shame, grief, and guilt when we genuinely feel it – especially toward ourselves.

I have definitely hated myself.

I’ve hated myself emotionally, morally, relationally, physically, professionallysuperficially and substantially.

I was a nondiscriminatory hater – of myself and everyone around me who always got the things that I was never “good enough” to get, but that’s a whole other issue.

I committed emotional suicide years ago because of the hopelessness associated with that hate.

Hate is a funny thing. Just when you think that you really, REALLY hate yourself, you can still hate yourself some more. And as much as you try to brush it under the rug, the effects of self-hatred will always show up in your relationsh*ts, friendsh*ts, health, skin, familial relationships, (lack of) luck, and the overall level of toxicity in your life.

Hating yourself is okay. Really, I promise. Don’t punish yourself for it by engaging in relationsh*ts and allowing the feelings of defeat and shame associated with the hate to paralyze you like I did.

When you’re in a state of emotional paralysis, the only option is to hand YOUR pen for others to write YOUR story (in accordance with their needs and agenda).

If you totally hate yourself or if you just hate certain aspects of yourself right now at this very moment, guess what?

You’re normal. And you’re far from alone.

Most of your self-hatred is dependent upon how much trauma you’ve experienced and the degree to which that trauma has been acknowledged, processed and dealt with.

We waste so much time thinking that we’re the only ones or that there’s something seriously wrong with us because we full-on HATE certain aspects of who we are.

I would be lying if I said that there wasn’t a part of me that wanted to write “how to stop self-loathing,” instead of “how to stop hating yourself.” It just sounds so much more politically correct, but it isn’t real.

In fact, “how to stop hating yourself” is Google searched 10 times more every month than “how to stop self-loathing.”

We’ve all, at some point in our lives… Failed. Epically. We have failed ourselves and people we care about. We’ve stayed in relationsh*ts and friendsh*ts way past their expiration date and we’ve failed at achieving this emotional, relational and physical ideal that we all have (aka perfection – the lowest standard you can hold yourself to). There are also things that get under our skin that we wish didn’t; decisions we wish we could take back and the overpowering shame that our levels of insecurity freeze us into.

And we f*cking HATE ourselves for it.

We hate being a prisoner to our own self-hate.

The title of this post is “How To Stop Hating Yourself” because I didn’t have the space to write: “How to stop allowing your self-hatred to control, manipulate and take you down – ESPECIALLY after failures, breakups, death of a loved one, not being chosen, not winning, diagnoses, not doing your best, making epic mistakes, falling for your partner’s bs yet again, etc.” 

Here’s how to stop hating yourself; how to stop allowing that hate to infiltrate, control, manipulate and disable you from your innate badassery  – especially after failures & breakups.

How to stop hating yourself? I want to keep it as straight-forward and simple as possible.

Here are the 5 most impactful steps that allowed me to not only extinguish the chokehold of my self-hate, but disabled its power, influence, and effect over my self-esteem and beliefs.

  • How To Stop Hating Yourself – Step #1: This is what’s cutting you at your emotional Achilles’

    The level to which you suffer from the disease to please will always be in direct proportion to how much you hate yourself.

    Allowing yourself to be the resident doormat disables respect from being able to grow, let alone exist. And without (self)respect, you don’t have (self)trust, and without trust, you don’t have a real relationship – with yourself or anyone else. Ever.

    The ability to say “no” is such a lost art. It may not feel that great in the moment, but it builds RESPECT. And once you’ve worked hard building something that although hard to build, decimates the destructive hate, you’ll be less inclined to tear it down by bending over to everyone and their Mother.

  • How To Stop Hating Yourself – Step #2: Know the difference

    A very wise, well-known and successful person (relationally, financially and professionally successful. MASSIVELY), who I love, look up to and respect a great deal once told me this. The moment I applied it, my life was never the same:

    “The difference between successful and unsuccessful people is the ability to walk away. Period. Unsuccessful people keep going back to and kicking around the same ideas, relationsh*ts, friendsh*ts, etc., and wonder why they keep getting the same result. Truly successful people come into it for the long-haul, but they also recognize when to get the f*ck out of dodge.”

    They know when to fold.

    When you make decisions in light of having your own back (aka having boundaries), as much as you may truly HATE having to negate your head, heart, and libido… trusting your gut and acting upon that knowingness of when you have to fold will always elicit RESPECT. The kind of respect that murders the paralyzing self-hate and allows any residual aspects of yourself that you hate to be preschool-level manageable. You’re no longer being held captive.

    Stand by your decision to walk away from a toxic relationship instead of engaging in “punishment” mentality. Walking away is not a self-imposed punishment. It’s the greatest gift you could ever give yourself. If you can’t physically walk away because of life circumstances, EMOTIONALLY do so. Either way, the offending party won’t know wtf to do.

    One thing they won’t have any doubt about: the level of respect that you have for YOURSELF.

  • How To Stop Hating Yourself – Step #3: Clean up

    Plain & Simple: Clean up your contradictions. Contradictions are the root of all misery, shame, guilt, hate, and blame – internal and external.

    You can’t preach and post on social media about how “hate needs to end,” and that we all need to love, respect, accept, embrace and Kumbaya-empower one another as you secretly hate the living sh*t out of yourself.

    It will just make you feel like more of a phony and, you guessed it… you’ll end up hating yourself even more because you can’t build a rose garden of self-respect from the hangover puke foundation of being a walking contradiction.

  • How To Stop Hating Yourself – Step #4: The big F’s

    I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: Forgive – yourself and others. To me, forgiveness is not about condoning behavior or magically “letting go” of the bullsh*t and pain associated with it. It’s about accepting someone or something for who/what they have unfolded to be, not holding onto who they were when they were in bed with you in Hawaii.

    Forgive yourself for hating on YOU. Until then, you’ll never be able to claim your role of CEO over Y.O.U.

    The other big F? Failure. Whether its relational failure – the worst breakup of your life or any other kind of failure, understand that your ego will do everything it can to allow the feelings associated with failure to scare you into emotional submission.

    You can either use the emotions associated with epically failing to motivate you out of the self-hate zone or, you can allow those emotions to fertilize the environment for self-hate (and make you a very poor decision maker and f*cktard magnet in the process). The choice is yours.

  • How To Stop Hating Yourself – Step #5: Know what to kill

    Don’t treat your hate with an emotional antibiotic. I try to stay away from antibiotics as much as I possibly can. Of course, there are times where the benefits of taking them outweigh the drawbacks. However, no one can refute that while antibiotics decimate all of the bad bacteria, they also murder all of the good bacteria. You don’t need to put your red laser light on the hate and make murdering that hate your top priority. What you need to put to pasture and allow to rest in peace are all the things that breed your self-hatred.

    You are not your hate. In fact, you’re pure light and love. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be feeling hatred towards yourself right now.

    One of my favorite quotes by Elie Weisel: “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”

    When you hate, there are still.feelings.there.

    You are not your hate. You are the AWARENESS with a bird’s eye view to that hate.

    Own your narrative. Get real with yourself, stop cock blocking your innate ability to accept by arguing with reality and ACKNOWLEDGE what it is that’s causing the hate. Is it insecurity? Un-dealt-with anger, resent, other people’s hurtful bullsh*t, jealousy, anxiety, etc.?

    Whatever it is, aim to kill THOSE things.

    Don’t try to swallow a hate antibiotic and get rid of it all in one sweep. 15 times out of 10, you’ll choke and eventually, if you allow it to go on for too long… You’ll die an emotional death.

    If you’re fresh off a breakup, use the hatred that you feel to CREATE. I’ve created some of my best work in my most ugly emotional states.

“The most beautiful people in this world are made of the ugliest moments of their lives.” – A.D. Woods

Don’t kill yourself in the process of trying to kill the hate – Cutting down a weed and refusing to water it will not kill the weed. Weeds can grow through the concrete without any water or sun.

Addressing the cause and uprooting the weed – that’s what truly cuts off its air supply.

And when you cut off the air supply of the toxicity associated with hate, you’ll finally be able to exhale because YOUR emotional air supply is no longer scarce.

Let’s all exhale.

x Natasha

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19 comments

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Wow Natasha this is what I needed today.
Thanks for sharing this with us, it’s so helpful and will be part of my self-care plan.
Moreover on of the most important message for me is: I am not alone, and there are others feeling the same -anger, guilt, hate. In a way it makes it so much easier and reading how you managed it and alle the other women makes me believing that I can do this as well.
Thanks a million and all the best for you!

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Hi Joy! You are the furthest thing from alone – you are loved, supported and believed in, always. You CAN do this. You got it! All my love to you too soul sister. XOXO

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I have hated my life and self since going through a very bad breakup. My ex was a jerk with no boundaries whatsoever, but always made me believe that the problem was really me and my insecurity. He left me and was in another relationship instantly. I was crushed. After 3 years of being together, he completely shut me out and wouldn’t even answer my calls. He recently told me that he made a mistake and missed me. We met for coffee and I was so excited about reconciling…until he told me that he was still in the relationship and that it was going fairly well – with the exception that he felt like he was being put in a box. By the end of the conversation, my head was spinning. Did this man really just ask me to wait for him to figure out if he really wanted to continue that relationship or end it to be with me? And I am really still sitting here??? Long story short, I basically told him to go to hell. Although it felt good to decide not be his puppet for once, part of me wanted to settle for anything just to have him back. I hated myself for being willing to sell myself out and I hated myself for being so emotional. Thank you for this article and for helping me realize that I am not crazy, and that we can actually deal with these feelings of self hate.

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You are incredible. Thank YOU Kimberly. I’m so happy that the post helped – you are not crazy and never alone. Sending you big love. XO

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Natasha~ Just like people binge watch Netflix, I binge read your blogs. This may sound creepy (its not meant too) but you have quickly become my virtual counselor, life coach and BFF all in the matter of weeks. I am not sure where you came from or how I found you but I am so blessed that Dr. Google prescribed your medicine to me. After I read each post, i get to the end and always say (in a loving, again…not meant to be creepy way)……….. “I fu*king love this woman”.

Thank you for teaching me about boundaries & how to rebound from heartbreak, thank you for being a strong female force, thank you for being born and thank you for posting the most valuable content on the internet. You are my hero. 🙂

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Hi Kristie! I’m crying the best kind of tears – tears of pure gratitude, joy and appreciation for YOU.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart soul sister. You are my hero too. By connecting with my pain, experiences and work, you’ve affirmed that I was/am never alone in my emotions, experiences and pain.

Love you and thank you for being a part of this tribe 🙂 xx

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Natasha,
I’ve been a member of the PMS tribe for awhile….a silent member. Tonight I feel compelled to thank you for all that you do…..all that you share with us.
When I first came onboard PMS late last year, as an older woman, I thought the posts would not be relevant to my relationsh*t heartbreak but they were.
I thought I was too old to benefit from your experiences..but I was always taken back how one paragraph in a post got me through one more day…made me emotionally stronger month by month.
I’ve realized the issues of self-esteem, self-hate, boundaries, etc transcend age, color, race, sex, all of our differences…we all struggle at times…we’re human.
Your blog could be called The Importance of Being Human.
You can count on my support in all of your endeavors in 2018.

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Dear Jules,

What you wrote here is so simple and true yet so beautiful. I read Natasha’s article and, once again, found myself in so many of her ideas but it’s when I read comments like yours’ that I realize I’m not really alone. So thank you for your comment, if it makes any sense.
Thank you, Natasha! Your articles truly make a difference for me and they are the kind of guidance I need, outside myself and outside my closest ones.

All the best to you, ladies!
Irina

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Thank YOU Irina <3 Love you. x

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Jules, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read your comment and how my smile and appreciation for you somehow expand every time. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to comment and for your support. Whether it’s silent or not, it’s felt. You are so right – what I write about doesn’t discriminate at all. We are ALL in this together. Sending you lot of love soul sister. Thank you for being you. xx

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Thank you Natasha. This is where I am now. Hating me, things I did, things I did not do for him and me. The list goes on. I think how I would handle our relationship differently if I could turn the clock back. I can’t. It is self loathing as you mentioned. I am working to get past this stage because it changes nothing. I doubt he is hating himself for abandoning us.
I agree with Jules at the end of the day we are human and nobody is perfect. I am a work in progress but at least I am trying to progress. I could do it but it makes it easier and better with your posts. I am sure all of us will continue to have hard days and days of doubt but at least we have all the wisdom of your writings to help. It would otherwise be a longer, colder, more painful trip. Thank you again and I will be holding all your words close as the dreaded holidays approach. Stay well Natasha. Love you. 💕🌸

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Linda! 🙂 Thank you so much. I love you too and you’re never alone. Miss you! xo

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Dear Jules,

What you wrote here is so simple and true yet so beautiful. I read Natasha’s article and, once again, found myself in so many of her ideas but it’s when I read comments like yours’ that I realize I’m not really alone. So thank you for your comment, if it makes any sense.
Thank you, Natasha! Your articles truly make a difference for me and they are the kind of guidance I need, outside myself and outside my closest ones.

All the best to you, ladies!
Irina

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I am currently going through the exact same scenario minus the fact he misses me and makes contact. He dumped after 4.5 years and every time something would go wrong, based on my actions or even his own, it always came down to me taking the blame and apologizing. I went through developing depression, anxiety, gaining weight and losing positivity.. and he was always pushing me to become better, but he continued to also put me down based on his ‘opinions’.. and one day he decided to say I’m drained of this, this unhealthy, I need to move on so if you see me with another girl, than thats what it is…. and it took him a year, of us seeing each other to actually commit.. because of his own insecurities.. and now 4 weeks later, he is already in another committed relationship, with a girl that lives across the world! all of this has drained me and put me into a dark place… I’m very lost, confused and now question all my actions. It’s literally crushed all my confidence and self esteem I had in myself.

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Keep coming back here to the blog Sha and just know that you’re never alone <3 Sending you love. xo

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Hello Natasha,
Yesterday I finally felt I was managing well alone. It does not hurt to have boundaries as much as before. It actually feels good to be in my own company. Just wanted to share something I wrote to myself in March. Thanks to you first and foremost, I am on a path of forgiveness. So here goes:

“The facts of my life do not look bad. In fact, they show an accomplished person who should have a got a good footing on life by now. Especially love life. But falling in love has been disastrous for me. For both parties involved. I used to think that the problem was always with the other side. The boy. I thought my love was pure. all encompassing. self-effacing. It was a pity the other side never saw my heart beating for him, my breath caught in my chest every time he faltered. He became at once my son and parent. My pillar of strength. My provider for the soul and body. My life. But the boy just could not match my devotion. It was always their issue, their problem.

But I can see it all clearly now. I was the problem. I am the problem party. No, I am not absolving the other party of their guilt, but if they are guilty of taking me for granted, it was I who drove them to that condition. I have always been too forgiving, too generous, too self-effacing, it eventually becomes a habit for my partner to let it go. Let me go. Stop doing things. Stop calling. Stop caring. Stop being nice. Because, by then, I would have made them believe so much in their ability to own me that they start to think it is OK to stop pleasing me. They are so sure I would not leave their side no matter what. Come what may. And here begins the recipe for disaster.

Because in love, I have always given myself away so blindly, so completely, it has ultimately led to losing my sense of proportion, my boundaries, my stability, even my sense of happiness and ease. I tend to put my lover, my partner, on a high pedestal and start worshiping him. To my atheist mind, he is the God I never got a chance to believe in.”

I can see how much distance I have covered since this, despite blunders and failures, over the past few months.
Once again, I owe it to you Natasha.
‘Scissors’ is my office password, by the way 🙂

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Anne,

I am in tears. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this and for being the beautiful soul and light that you are. You are incredible. I did nothing! All I did was hold a mirror up to you through my writing. I’m glad that you’re seeing the strength, beauty, resilience and light that have been there all along.

Ha! Love the password 🙂 xx

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Dear Anne,
Bless. This sums me up a few years back too. People pleaser and validation seeker.
I really believed if I was nice and sweet and good – I’d get the same back.
What you have written is more eloquent than I could write, and your honesty is beautiful. Thank you for your words.

Love xxx ❤️

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Perfection! I just read this – it’s mondblowinh, actually mind blowing! I can’t even spell lol
‘Know when to fold’ – ohhhh! That has been my downfall many times, I would TRY HARDER ! Thankfully I’m not doing that anymore, and walking away is as powerful as it gets.

Indifference truly is the opposite of hate. Hate and love are not that far apart in reality. Two emotional states centred around passionate highs and lows.

This post on the other hand, is vibrating entirely on its own level! No highs or lows here. Just pure knowledge wrapped in love.

You’re one of a kind, Natasha. Just beautiful xxxx 💜🌺💜

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