I received a ton of emails after the last article I wrote describing emotional unavailability and the challenges impossibilities associated with being involved with a guy who’s incapable of a genuine emotional connection. All of the emails I received were from women and men, who were involved with, are involved with or are a sneeze away from attempting to recreate Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, trying to get over someone that they KNOW is emotionally unavailable.

But just because they’re dealing with someone that’s emotionally unavailable, that doesn’t mean that they don’t still love this person, want to be with them or that they can just up and leave. They can’t just quit them.

That got me thinking about what now adds up to a large group of emotionally unavailable exes my girlfriends and I have that were so.damn.hard to quit. People of the emotionally unavailable species are always seemingly impossible to quit because of their “unpredictability,” that we mistake for “chemistry,” “true love,” and “this-is-it-he’s-the-one,” PASSION.

These are the mysterious, ambiguous guys that will always keep you guessing and keep you “on your toes” (for reference, “on your toes,” is a polite way of saying “in a perpetual state of mixed signals, mind f*ing and the questioning-everything-kind-of-insecurity, insanity, WTF-is-wrong-with-me-I-must-be-going-crazy, miserable existence that you’d rather be in and try to “fix” than be out of and alone).

You’re more unhappy than you are happy, you can’t move on and you don’t know what to do. It’s awful because you’ve seen him be so amazing. At times, you’ve seen him be everything that you want. So, you’re convinced that there must be something wrong with you and that you need to work on yourself because why else would this Jekyll and Hyde sh*t be happening?

And before you know it, you’re in line at the book store, on your phone insta-stalking the chick that texted him yesterday (that you don’t even know), trying to figure out if her tits are fake all while holding a self-help book that you’re about to buy, thinking that YOU did something to turn your “prince” into a f*cktard (I would have said toad but that would be an insult to the toad population. Toads are always better than f*cktards).

So HOW do you move on from an emotionally unavailable guy that you just can’t quit?

First, you need to understand that mourning the loss of ANYONE that doesn’t recognize your worth and that is incapable of connecting emotionally and treating you with honesty, love and respect, is like crying because you took a crap and now you have to say goodbye to it and flush it. That’s how ridiculous it is.

“He knows that he’ll never get better than me. He’s just going through a lot right now, Natasha.”

Really????

Do you know when a guy realizes that he actually can’t do better? When you realize that YOU can. When you translate through your actions that you are a person of action. It doesn’t matter how many “good talks” you have with him or how many power point presentations you put on or how “understanding” you are. Your actions are what people ultimately go by. He knows that he can get away with doing what he’s doing because there you are, always there for him.

You are all “preach” and no “practice.”

THE ONLY way that you can move on, process your feelings and get your sanity back is by being real about who he is, who he’s been and who he will NEVER be. This is a guy that no matter who he is with, he’ll never have genuine emotional intimacy. He is incapable of it and it’s not your job to pull emotional rabbits out of the magical hat. 

You keep giving him chances and making excuses because you’re in a relationship that REFLECTS the nonexistent one you have with yourself . We attract people that mirror how we feel about ourselves. If you felt better about and were honest with yourself, there’s no way that you’d put up with this, no matter how much time you’ve invested.

This guy knows the difference between right and wrong and not only does he not care to change, but he makes you feel like there is something wrong with you that’s “causing” his behavior.

Emotionally unavailable men are all about themselves. You’re having trouble letting go because you want to be ‘the one,’ you feel undeniable passion for him and you want to win. Win! Win! Win!! You know you can’t fully “have” all of him and there lies the “chemistry.” Emotionally unavailable guys are so luring because even when you “have” them, it never really feels like you do. That gets all of your validation-seeking and insecurity antennas amped up because you’re addicted to this perpetual cycle of tying your worth to trying to turn the reluctant, “project,” into an emotionally reformed, responsible guy that’s capable of an authentic connection.

Walk away, comment on here, talk to a trusted friend, write your feelings out and cut.him.off.

Instead of obsessing over him, start thinking about why you are still emotionally invested in a guy that has not only consistently shown you who he is, but that cannot ultimately give you any emotional connection or investment.

Take a break from the stalking, the dating, the social media and focus on yourself. The key to slaying your pain, obsession and addiction lies in ceasing to argue with reality and working on having a healthy relationship with yourself first.

I am not asking you to start a smear campaign and buy a voodoo doll. What I am asking you to do is remember how he’s acted towards you, how he’s consistently made you feel and what that all means for the possibility of a real relationship and lasting connection (which is what you claim to want). Take yourself to Starbucks, sit down and make a list; write it all out, you WILL eventually see what you need to. This is why they say knowledge is power and this is what real closure is about.

You have this one life that will pass by quicker than you could ever imagine. Don’t spend it chasing, falsely empathizing (excusing), and trying to understand someone to the point that you feel bad about you. It’s like sticking your head in the toilet and then complaining about the smell. Gross.

x Natasha

+ another helpful post: How To Stop Missing Someone

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178 comments

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So spot on Natasha! This is so true with friends and family too.

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Well said!! May the healing begin. Been starting to recognize some things. You conformed them. Thank you!!

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I loved this.. ” No one should be THAT “special” that loving them makes you feel worse about you.” I was in a situation where I started dating a guy and a couple people told me he had a girlfriend.. So j asked him, and he blaintenly told me yes. He said she was suicidal and they were both miserable and unhappy but it had been 5 years of them together and she couldn’t be without him blah blah. I believed he was going to leave her for me. He never did. I finally broke it off and it took me a while to get over it.. And I don’t know what did.. Or ever has helped when I’m devistatingly heartbroken over some fuckboy. But this truly is insightful. I’m going to start ‘banking on me’!!

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I guess this is the post I was waiting for. I love love love what you wrote on the first box. Everything is so true here I really need to read it and read it and start applying it for my current situation with this guy, ????

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So awesome. My new fav concept is when someone is “lazy with the word love”. Don’t be lazy with love. Work it right! I’m gonna write another song with that . Thank you again.

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Thank YOU. Can’t wait to hear it

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I love this post because it’s so good to be reminded that other people’s behavior is not our fault, especially when it comes from emotionally unavailable people ❤️❤️❤️

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People need to see that this advice you give is all about self empowering. It doesn’t matter your gender, race, or age. You cannot continue to allow people into your life that only bring poison. Keep this good stuff rolling girl ???

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Thank you Natasha! I so needed this! In my case the “guy” was a female with who Identifies as being more masculine. The relationship kept me confused, frustrated and drained never knowing what to expect. She’d pull me in and thsn become very distant. I have only been out of it a little over a week and received an apology from her via text yesterday and now I feel this longing to be involved all over again even though I know it won’t work…

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Thanks Natasha! I just read the article in the link. It was awesome and summed up how I’m feeling at this moment. Here’s an update…in between the last post and now I have found out that she had still been very heavily communicating with her ex the whole time we were involved and even planning for the ex to move from Florida to California to be with her! Although this revelation hurts like hell, it sums up alot of the things that she was doing. I now feel as though she was purposely trying to piss me off so I’d walk way and she’d be free and clear to carry out her plans with the ex and not have to tell me…wow!

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That’s awful. I know how much it hurts but know that this has nothing to do with you. it’s about her. Use the reality of what happened to move forward, speak with your actions and be done with engaging on any level xoxo

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Don’t do it, it’ll never work. I’ve been going through the same thing for nearly four years. I hate myself for wasting all this time and energy, on someone who will never be emotionally available. You’re only going to prolong your chances of meeting someone who will love you equally.

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This is exactly what I needed to read right now. I have spent entirely too much time crying over this guy. I had him pegged early on as “troubled”. Had I only known the true nature of his trouble oh my i would have run for the hills. This has been the most amazing horror-tale ever. So consuming I almost lost everything I’ve worked my whole to achieve just to keep holding on. Damn hard lesson to learn but one I will never forget.

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Hi Tanya!

You go girl. You have all of the awareness and strength within you. I know how hard it is and I can only imagine what you must be going through; you’re not alone.

Keep coming back here to the blog xoxo

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My relationship with an emotionally unavailable guy ended 1 month ago. We were together for 3 years. Before I met him I was aware of these types of guys and really didn’t want to be with another one. However I only realised just after we split that he was one. But all the signs were there and I’m so annoyed at myself for not seeing them. Even with the knowledge I still stuck around trying to fix our problems alone. Even when he said my feelings are my own opinion and he didn’t have to agree.
I feel like he cast a spell on me. Mug comes to mind.
I am moving on with no contact and putting myself first. I just feel lost. And I am scared of meeting another emotionally unavailable.

My relationship with an emotionally unavailable guy ended 1 month ago. We were together for 3 years. Before I met him I was aware of these types of guys and really didn’t want to be with another one. However I only realised just after we split that he was one. But all the signs were there and I’m so annoyed at myself for not seeing them. Even with the knowledge I still stuck around trying to fix our problems alone. Even when he said my feelings are my own opinion and he didn’t have to agree.
I feel like he cast a spell on me. Mug comes to mind.
I am moving on with no contact and putting myself first. I just feel lost. And I am scared of meeting another emotionally unavailable.

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Hi Laura! Thanks for reading 🙂

I know how hard it is, but don’t beat yourself up for it. Sometimes you don’t realize these things until it’s over and you think back. Hindsight is 20/20. You didn’t see the signs not because you are dumb but because you were in love and wanted it to work… and that’s okay <3

It's totally normal to feel like he cast some sort of a spell on you but he didn't. I promise you. He can only effect you as much as you allow. Keep coming back here and keep reading.

I am so proud of you for maintaining no contact and for putting yourself first. Every time you feel weak, come back here, you're not alone Laura. You won't be scared of meeting another emotionally unavailable if you take this time now to work on yourself and rebuild your confidence, self esteem and learn to trust your own ears, eyes and gut again. You CAN. I know you can and I believe in you. After you take the time to repair and rebuild, not only will you be able to spot an emotionally unavailable guy much quicker, but you won't be fazed by whatever charm or image they try to exude (because they're all about that stuff). You'll internally say "thanks, but no thanks," and you will attract better guys into your life. I promise you. Do the hard work now, stay strong, keep coming back here and just know you're never alone babe.

xx, Natasha

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Thank you for responding.
This is definitely one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with so f a r. My stupid ego keeps rearing its head and reminding me of the good times. Almost convincing me it wasn’t that bad. I know I will be fine just want to fast forward to then.
🙂

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So amazing!! Your so right about trying to disconnect, that’s always one of the hardest things to stop, because I feel like it’s my only connection to him. This is something I could absolutely LIVE by. Thank you for your encouraging words!

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THIS website rocks!

I just walked away from a year and half relationship with a man that is emotionally unavailable. This is actually my first experience with this type of man as I have always been fairly lucky in love and have had good relationships that naturally run their course. I am divorced because I was never into marriage but I love relationships and connectivity and I love exclusive monogamy (but marriage isn’t my thing. ) Which is why I thought I might be a good match for this type of man… damn was I wrong.
So I met mr man – a scorpio with magnetic personality – incredibly handsome and he wanted me and was so amazing at first. I saw signs/red flags early on though and would look up signs of emotional unavailability he is tricky though and probably reads about this stuff and deliberately does some things to defy that classification totally but he does admit he is not available nor ever really has been or will be for love. I can’t believe I became that kind of woman that wants to change a man – to win him over so badly but I so did. I got so caught up and I gave him so much (I’m a pisces leo moon, he’s a scorpio leo moon.) I gave so much of myself at the expense of my true self! Why?

He has never had a relationship for longer than a year and half so I’m just another year and halfer -actually he did have a relationship with a married woman for 5 YEARS and broke up with her because she slept with his friend… all the signs were there but I still went in and still fell – what the f… is wrong with me? I don’t really hate myself (which is why I was able to break this off ) but gods it still hurts because of all the charming parts of him are the things I want so much: passion, masculinity, intelligence and ahh he is sooo sexy. But after a year all those things waned. He also has sexual problems and said he has for 15 years and that everyone has gotten his limp penis at some point but that it is because he can’t maintain intimacy for too long… why did I put myself in this know and hearing this??

I’m hurting it’s only been a couple days since the break up and I’m a mess but your site is FANTASTIC it’s one of the best things I’ve read if not the best I’ve read regarding this type of male mental illness…. I will just keep reading it over and over again until I stop crying over this jerk that took so much of my love and gave me nothing back in the end not even the bare minimum and just shrugs and says this is how he is and he never lied to me… but he did because what he said and his actions were always contradictory and his actions confused me in the beginning he was always there -very physical – passionate sex – always responded to my text – everyday checkins- we spent every weekend together with a couple exceptions but he would never define us always used the word “like” never complimented me and then sex got boring and problematic and it just went downhill –

All his exes except for me and one other woman cheated on him because of his emotional unavailability. I didn’t though I pointed it out to him that the reason they went to other men was to get what he couldn’t give them. I’m just another collection of women that wanted more than he could give and I’m so sad and embarrassed that I put myself in this thing and I want this hurt to go away…
Thanks for your wise words you are an excellent writer and a healer and I’m so glad I found your website.

Best,
Eva Marie

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Hi Natasha,

I love this article. I’m a gay male who’s recently met another male who, on the first date said he’s not available for a relationship, aka unavailable. Yet, I hear from him a lot and have seen him a lot, he’s told me he likes me and both of our feelings seem to be growing for each other. He’s so honest and open bc he doesn’t want to hurt anyone along the way. Well, guess what? I’m starting to like him and I see myself falling into a bad pattern. The personal, physical and intellectual attraction is on point with this guy. My problem and confusion is whether I need to cut this off immediately? Of course I want to see him – often, but I feel I’m sometimes a 2nd thought or option and I know I shouldn’t be. I deserve better. But! is it something that could grow? Maybe I’ve shocked him. maybe he hasn’t met someone like me yet. I can attest bc I’ve dated for the past three years and cut off every relationships bc I wasn’t ready or they just weren’t the one. My brain hurts.

Mark F

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Mark I’m going through the same thing. They say one thing yet continue to see you. You’re never a priority and it feels like you have to compete for his attention. It’s not worth it. 7 months of my life I won’t get back. Big hugs to you.

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xoxoxoxoxo

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Hi Mark!

Thanks babe. I’m so glad that you liked the article 🙂 I would definitely listen to your gut. You’re right – You are worth so much more than someones after thought. I know how exhausting it can be. Trust your own ears, eyes and gut. Make decisions based on what is happening in the now. xoxoxo

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I’ve done this myself again.. Been with the emotionally unvaiable guy for a year stopped a month ago. Started just being friends mind you we’ve been friends for 4 years now . On Monday started telling me wanted to be with me again . So stupid me fell for it again and asked him last night to see me . His answer “I don’t think so. Sorry.. I called him out of stringing me along of course no texts back I’m sure last a couple of days. I can’t just let go I continue to let him in and it shatters me each time . I know what he is his issues he has everything . He knows I love him he doesn’t care and has told me that . No contact lasts about 2 days my gut starts to hurt then I text act like he didn’t treat me like crap.

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Hi Reba,

Thanks for reading 🙂 I totally understand what you’re going through. The only way out of this is to get real about his actions and hurtful behavior. Have your own back & know that you deserve better than this. Turn inward, keep coming back here to the blog and take care of you. You’re not alone. xoxo

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Dear Natasha,

THANK YOU so much. You don’t even know HOW much.
I ended things a little over an hour ago. And I am so GLAD that I happened to come across your article after that painful decision.

You are not just able to handle relationship problems both sensitively and practically, but also, you are actually an EFFECTIVE healer.
It is one thing to be wise, another thing to share your wisdom and yet something else to impart your knowledge in a way that CHANGES people.
I couldn’t stress more on the fact that the reason one embarks on such hopeless journies, is because of a broken relationship they have with the SELF.
You have found yourself yet another keen reader!

God Bless You, Natasha !!
Because you are truly the best xx

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Hi AK,

You have brought me to tears! Thank YOU so much for the love <3 It was all you AK; all I did was hold a proverbial mirror up to you through my writing. I'm glad that you're on your way to acknowledging and owning all of the beauty, wisdom and strength in the reflection.

Thanks for reading and for the support 🙂 May God bless you too and just remember, you're never alone. xoxoxo

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I just stumbled upon this article and WHOA!!!!!! I too was with an assbag for too long! If you have not kicked your emotionally constipated assbag to the curb, do it today and save yourself years of thinking you are ugly, unlovable, and unworthy. Trust me when I say, it’s them not you. They have issues you cannot change no matter how beautiful, educated, kind and lovely you are. I hurt for so long and now I think, WHY? If you are hanging in with this type of relationship, don’t, it’s not a real relationship. Amazingly enough, you will feel bad leaving the relationship, but leave it you must, then you will feel drained and suddenly you’re angry for staying so long. I stayed for 6.5 years and made so many excuses as to why I did. I regret the lost years, I regret the times I felt so low when I could have been happy. If your gut is telling you that something is wrong, listen to it. Life is not a dress rehearsal, so if you want to enjoy it, get rid of your assbag and start living today. THANK YOU for this honest article!!

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Thank YOU Becky! Yes! You go girl. xoxoxoxo

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Life is not a dress rehersal… birlliantly put. I think my last (and hopefully FINAL) EUM just finally nailed this one in for me.

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Amazing when you come across words that speak to your heart in a time of need… Thank you Natasha for sharing your words and spirit. I am on day four of no contact with a man I was more vulnerable with than any other… such a confusing roller coaster of a ride. From deception to not being forthcoming to creating reasonings that had me believing it was me, it’s been so exhausting. The hardest part is letting go of “the possibility” that was experienced mainly in the beginning but also at various times during our journey together. He is now in a place of being lost and I kept showing up as his lifeline. It’s tough to detach the thoughts of wondering how he is and what he is doing.
I so appreciate your mirrors reminder as I so believe that when I grow my like/love /respect for myself, I will then attract a man who is healthy and available. A little hard to think I attracted someone so unavailable and to question, then what was it I felt was so real and genuine about our time together??
Any strategies for holding out during those times of urge to reach out to him?

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Peace and love

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Hi Robin!

Thanks for making my day 🙂 When you feel the urge to reach out to him, write down everything that he did, didn’t do and how it made you feel. Use reality to propel you forward. Also, come back here to the blog; read and re-read. You are a beautiful, aware, wise and kind soul. All my gratitude and love to you xoxo

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I love that I came across your article and your last article about emotional unavailability. For some reason, I feel like emotionally unavailable men are all i attract, ever. I found myself in a three year relationship with a younger man who never grew up and was full of relief when it ended because I finally decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I vowed to find someone better and more deserving of everything I had to give. Then I met an older man, who strung me along for six months. He would never introduce me to his son, he would only want to hang out on his terms and only contacted me when he wanted something for himself. I was so into him that I couldn’t see a way out until he decided to move to Texas. After I finally got over him, I realized he was emotionally unavailable and just not ready for anything serious

Most recently, I met an amazing man online. He was generous, kind, smart, everything I could have asked for if you wanted me to create a checklist. We connected on every level and we enjoyed similar interests – went snowboarding, bungee jumping, skydiving was next. He took me on the best dates, we communicated every day (if not in person, mostly on the phone too!), he met my friends who loved him, he was the boyfriend I had always wanted – but he never made himself available to be my boyfriend. He had just gotten out of an 8-year relationship and had “sacrificed” so much for her that he had nothing left to give in a relationship – not now at least. He decided that after that relationship, he would pursue all the goals he’s dreamt about and finally do things for himself which was admirable. He was always honest with me so I never faulted him for it, but I still kept that hope because he was such an amazing person. I was never afraid to have “the talk” but he told me that he couldn’t figure out whether or not it was because he wasn’t ready or because he just did not feel that “I need to be with you” feeling for me. I checked off his checklist too, but that desire for commitment wasn’t there and he didn’t know if it ever would be. It hurts, but the only way to allow him to be ready for me or anyone else is to walk away. He says he wants me to be in his life in any capacity but if I keep him around, I will only fall harder for it to hurt more in the future. I have been through this so many times, and I know what is best no matter how hard it may be. I wish there was a timeline to know how long it will take for him to be emotionally available again. This one is hard to let go of, but I have to accept that emotional unavailability is something nobody can control. Timing is everything.

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Hi Pricilla,
I read your words and feel your pain so much. I am in such a similar position as you appear to be and am so raw right now. If you would like a support friend let me know… I am seeking all the support I can right now. I am on day six of no contact and am currently baffled (and pretty sad) that this guy hasn’t reached out. It’s odd because I don’t feel like it’s coming from a place of “wanting him to” but more from a place of shock that he would let our relationship go like this. I suppose it may mean it was more about the possibly than the reality? Ugh. When I read Natasha’s words they all logically make sense yet my sensitive side says, this does not feel in line with what I shared with this person, that he would let me say goodbye the way we did. It’s a weird, taxing place to be.

Peace to you on your journey
🙂

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Natasha, I’m so glad I found your page – I’m trying right now to let go of an emotionally unavailable man that I love, and your suggestions and support are so helpful. My situation is complicated, because I’m married – but not to the man I love. I was ready to leave my husband for my lover, and thank goodness I didn’t throw away everything I have for someone who is emotionally retarded. It’s incredibly painful, because for 18 months he led me to believe we had a future together, and we have a past history too. We met and fell in love when we were 16, had a long-distance relationship for three years, went our separate ways…fast forward 35 years (we’re both 53 now), reconnected, fell in love again. And I don’t have time, energy, or patience for these immature mind games. After 18 months of professing his love and commitment, he “ghosted” me – completely ignored me, no contact, etc. with NO explanation. Yep, the coward’s way out. I have been in agony for six weeks, trying to figure out WHY, and what exact steps I can take to let go, so that I can emotionally re-commit to my marriage. I have found the suggestions here really helpful, and especially what you wrote about remembering how he really behaved and kept me in a state of doubting my own worth, wondering if I should/n’t bring up something that was bothering me, etc. He has many issues with commitment, empathy, fear of failure, control, emotional suppression, etc. (all of these are manifestations of his being adopted). So I especially related to your statements about how a grown man should know the difference between right and wrong, and should know why something hurtful he’s done harms the relationship. Of course, it’s so difficult to let go of the dream of “our second chance”, for all of the reasons you listed: sexual chemistry, being “in sync” with “the one”, and I did see him be so amazing, thoughtful, and insightful – occasionally. I started to see that was indeed sporadic, and I couldn’t count on him to be any of those things consistently. But I still made excuses and allowed him to treat me in a very inconsiderate, juvenile, non-supportive and hurtful way, because I was in love with his potential, the man he ALMOST is. I’m still so very sad about the demise of this dream I had with someone I truly love. He is incapable of allowing that gift into his life.
Anyway, I will keep visiting this site and re-read as many times as it takes to close this chapter of my life. Thank you.

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Thank you so much for sharing your story Lisa and thank you for the feedback and love. I’m so happy that the blog has served and helped you <3

You need to mourn the death of the person that you thought existed. I know how hard it is. You're not alone. xoxo

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I’m glad I found this. I need it today and will probably have to reread this over and over to help me move on. Thank you for the motivation.

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Thanks Michele 🙂 xo

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Thanks Michele! xoxo

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Hi, Natasha. Thank you for this. It’s fitting it’s Valentine’s Day and the curtain’s come down for me on my dating situation. I kind of had a feeling this guy was emotionally unavailable from the beginning. I just liked him for years and kept in touch. I would have continued to think the butterflies mattered, had I not read your writing when I was questioning things. I have a question for you, though: if it’s relatively new, but you don’t hear much from the guy during the day, or you just have the feeling from different events that he’s emotionally unavailable…how do you know for sure? I don’t have years of experience to go with here. I can only tell you that I think I’m a wonderful person. And I deserve – everyone deserves – someone great. I don’t feel great right now. Yet I also just don’t want to be “needy” or demanding. Help me see the line, here. What do you think?

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Hi Cade!

Thank you so much 🙂 Any person, relationship or situation that makes you question your worth, feel badly about yourself and that you find yourself being more sad than happy – leave. Life is so short.

I have posts up on how to tell If he’s emotionally unavailable:

https://postmalesyndrome.com/is-he-emotionally-unavailable-15-signs-your-guy-is-emotionally-bankrupt/

https://postmalesyndrome.com/is-he-really-just-not-that-into-you-or-emotionally-unavailable-or-both/

And I have a few on if he’s a narcissist and what the difference between the two is:

https://postmalesyndrome.com/does-emotionally-unavailable-narcissist/

These are just a few, there’s more. Just search the blog 🙂

Hope that helps! Thanks again Cade xoxo

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Thank you so much. I appreciate this. I’ve finally leaving. One questions before I call it quits on this guy: is it worth it to tell them off before you leave? I feel the great urge to tell him he’s a pr*ck because I didn’t before. I kept telling him he was great. Like, let’s say I sent him an article on being en emotionally unavailable bast*rd. Is this a bad idea? Do they need to be told?

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Hi Cade,

I wouldn’t suggest saying or sending him anything. Speak with your actions and stay on the white horse. Your silence is louder than any word. xoxo

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You are wonderful. And thank you.

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It takes one to know one <3 thanks Cade xoxo

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Hi Natasha:
I truly believe every relationship, good or bad , teaches us a lesson about who we are and taking responsibility for our part.
I just had a two month relationship with a man who was Unemotional. I fell for him like crazy but he couldn’t give me what I needed. It taught me so much about who I am and what I needed to fix. He wasn’t totally to blame. I let him treat me a certain way, doormat! But then realized I was suffering once again. As painful as it is I realize this man is broken and I can’t help him.
I cry for his little boy self that was hurt as a child growing up. But I feel too much for people and never get it back. I’m learning to value myself again. Back to me and my Golden Retriever and home alone eating ice cream! But I’m worth it!

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You ARE worth it. All my love to you xoxo

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Hi Natasha
I am so glad I came across this blog it has helped alot. I thought it would get easier as time goes by but it seems to be getting harder. I am on day 11 of no contact after still living with him for over a month after our break up due to relocating and changing my sons school. We had been together for seven years my son looked at him like a dad, he asked me to marry him He started becoming distant and I found out he was cheating. I was completely heart broken caught off guard, didnt see it coming . He told me I spend to much time at work and he felt like I did not want him anymore. (I will say I did work alot, I had a goal to make more money and get promoted and I achieved that goal my salary quadrupled in those 7 years.) He was telling me until the last day I seen him that he loves me but wants to start over as friends and sees where that ggoes,he’s never loved anyone like he loved me before ,never had such a connection with anyone like this before ,helped me move. But yet he is “friends”with the married woman he cheated with and wants to still be her friend WTF. But he says “its not what you think” then what is it? hugged me and kissed me told me he loved me and I have not heard or seen him in 11 days. I feel like sh*t , I give this man my heart and soul, worked my ass off to get where I am and then this? Even after all this I can’t help but think of all the good and that hurts so so much. Because I still love him or think that, sure feels that way. How can I stop this emotional roller coaster that has no “ups”? I am constantly screaming on the inside and fake smiling on the outside ,which is completely exhausting. My first thought in the morning is him and the last at night. Wtf I don’t understand! I truly feel like I’m dying inside.

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Hi Faith! Thank you so much 🙂 As painful as it is, look at his actions and characterize him by his actions instead of his words. Use that to propel you to move forward. His actions and his words are in opposition. xoxo

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Hi Natasha,
Thanks for the article. I fell for my coworker Mr. Unavailable and he has played me like a fiddle. Sometimes I’ll rip into him and feel great but then I give in when he seems remorseful. I’m not living at this point and can’t concentrate on my job because of it. Never thought this could happen to me, being played by a man. I do love him, but he doesn’t love me. I need to keep walking when I leave and not look back. Us working together certainly hasn’t helped, because we have to interact on a daily basis. Any thoughts on what more I can do?

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Hi Jennifer!

Read this if you haven’t already: https://postmalesyndrome.com/working-with-an-ex-the-worst-right-heres-what-to-do/

xo

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hi natasha …
ur blog is extremely awesome..
I hv been on it like more ovr 2 months n keep on reading n re-reading and yet again reading some more ..cnt gt ovr it …
Esp wn m feelin weak…

jst 1 qstn I have..
I hv been in d no contact phase for more than a month ..n yet he doesn’t quit texting..
he said clearly he wouldn’t leave his gf for me..and yet want us to work smtin

so I was firm ..Bt d regular texting makes me wonder …Esp after no replies he dsnt quit…should I give a chance as he says atleast talk once if we can work something…I cnt understand what’s in his mind…
so confused…

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Thank you, thank you, thank you. I just broke things off with THAT GUY and was beginning to feel weak when I ran across this. It was just what I needed to get my head back on straight. Thank you for snapping me out of it.

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xoxo

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I think I held on for so long because of how amazing he was in the beginning and also because he had been married for a few years (his ex wife publicly said the relationship was horrible) and his old posts with his ex girlfriend seemed to indicate he was emotionally available to her.

The ex gf (and the many others he had) threw me off, but I need to realise I cannot judge a year long relationship by Instagram posts.

Is it possible he’s been EU the whole time with these women? I keep thinking I did something to make him change and not want me, but he’s left a long trail of wreckage behind him(as evidenced by the woman that confronted me in a bar claiming he was texting her too).

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I should add he even cheated on his first gf at 15 and gave her an STD(and didn’t seem remorseful)

After he said I love you, he started distancing himself.

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Hi Parker! Yes, he’s been EU before you, he was EU with you and will continue on to be after you. Keep coming back here to the blog and take care of YOU right now xoxo

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hi natasha
ur blog is a like a bible to me
keep re reading it all the time

my bf is married with a kid
so am I
we both wanted to take the relationship further so I felt
when I confronted him with the same he first said no
later with no contact he said he realised and came back and said would give it a try
but I don’t feel confident at all that he would give up on that life
he says a lot of things and says he’s working towards it but also adds divorce isn’t an easy process
I tried testing and usually he gives in to me yet I feel sick and tired thinking where is this all goin as I can’t be hanging around. I want to either start that life with him or be in my life back this phase right now is killing
Esp to think of the kids feels like I’m being selfish to leave it all and go ahead with my life..
plzz help
as I have read your blog wherein you mentioned kids being traumatised due to divorce and I don’t want that for my child

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Hi Ashley! Thank you so much for the love and support 🙂 I need more info to adequately help. I do offer coaching if you’d like personal help. You’re not alone xoxo https://postmalesyndrome.com/coaching/

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Thank you. All I can say is thank you for writing something so raw, honest, and important for me to hear. This article has helped my self-worth improve and was able to vocalize exactly how I feel even when I myself was unable to vocalize my own emotions.

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Thanks Anastasia! I’m so glad it helped!! 🙂 xo

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Thank you so much for writing all these articles..today is the first day I’ve come across your blog after browsing the Internet after a week of anxiety trying to figure out my next move with this jerk… I’m like addicted to your articles… It’s given me so much insight and stirred up much positive vibes in me, much thanks again!

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Yay!! I’m so glad they’ve helped! Thanks so much Ivy 🙂 XOXOXO

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Natasha and everyone, thank you so much for the blog and all the comments on this topic. It is so helpful and empowering to know I’m not alone.
One month ago I ended a 3.5 year relationship with an EUM and I’m still reeling from it, even though there were red flags everywhere! I should mention that there is a 15 year age gap, him being younger than me, but at 35 he should be mature enough to have a committed relationship.
We split up in September 2015 for several months, then he said he wanted to try again. I mistook that as a sign he had, or wanted to, change. Things had been going good for the past 5 months. He was saying all the right things, talking about us in the future, building a life with me, etc. I thought he had really changed. In April he planned and took me on an incredible 9 day, romantic vacation. Told me how much he loved me, was happy I was in his life, was a better person because of me and we began planning for the next step of the relationship.
Fast forward to one week after we returned from vacation….now he is telling me that he wasn’t ready/didn’t want a relationship, that he doesn’t see me (or any woman) in his long term future and that he would prefer to be alone so he can find the happiness his life is missing. He said if I was ok with a casual, uncommitted relationship we could still continue to date.
I told him after 3.5 years I wanted more, that I wanted someone to build and share my life with and if it isn’t with him then we need to part. He agreed.
We each walked away graciously, but I am still reeling, with so many unanswered questions.
My head knows it’s for the best, but how do I get my heart to believe that? How can a man walk away from a relationship that in his own words, was the most caring, loving, passionate and easy to be in relationship he’s ever had, with a woman who is incredible? But most importantly, why do I care, because when we were together I often felt alone because he never really showed up for the emotional connection.
I’m working on my own sh*t, trying to understand why I let him and the relationship cross my boundaries, and working on rebuilding my sense of self worth.
I found this blog in the first week after the breakup and it’s helped tremendously. Thank you to all the beautiful people on here ?

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Thank YOU Sharon, for sharing your experience and for the love and support. I know exactly how you’re feeling and the utter mind f*ck that is being involved with someone who is disconnected. Just know that this isn’t about you at all. This is about him and his own issues that were preexisting before you even came into the picture. He revealed his true self. No need to tie your worth to him sh*tting his emotional shorts. I KNOW how hard it is. Talk is cheap. His actions did all of the talking for him. Turn inward, take care of you and just know that you’re loved, supported and never alone xx

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Your articles help so much . I didn’t discover that my wonderful boyfriend was emotionally unattached until after he broke up with me. He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and that it was the best relationship that he has ever been in. He said over and over again how wonderful I was to him but that we were just not right for one another. He said he was never in love like he was with me and that he promised me marriage and a future together. He was always the one talking about buying a house together getting married and living happily ever after.. All the way up until the week he broke up with me he was asling about when you were going to get married but his words did not match up with actions. When I pressed the issue he felt trapped And suffocated. He even asked me a few months ago if I would agree to go to counseling with him to trying to Determine if we were right for one another. I agree but we only got four sessions and then he broke up with me.When I met him he said he hadn’t been in a relationship in 10 years. He’s 52 years old and has never been married and has no children. I did raise an eyebrow about that when I first met him but then thought it was actually attractive but he didn’t have baggage. I asked him why all of a sudden I was the right one out of the hundreds of women that he been with and he said “I never met the right one” until you I’ve never been with a man that was emotionally unavailable and actually never even knew anything about it. He was so wonderful to me and treated me great and we had so much fun together for a year and a half.
We had an amazing sex life and did everything together. When I come to realize was that he couldn’t deal with any bit of conflict whatsoever and he avoided any deep conversations. We never argued but I knew deep down he was sentsyive to that. He didn’t believe any a good relationship should have any arguments or disagreements.He always talked about our future together in a fairytale type of way but after year and a half when I started pressing he got very uncomfortable and didn’t want there to be a timeframe or ultimatum or make any actual plans He started blaming things on me. Then he said he wanted to go to counseling alone and work on himself but not be together. I’m at a loss and I feel so rejected knowing that I did all the right things in a relationship. He came on so strong when we met like a knight in shining armor when I met him and I fell madly in love It’s been four weeks since he broke my heart and I just can’t shake out of this depression. I feel so rejected and helpless. I’ve had no contact with him but it’s very difficult I wish there could be just one last conversation but I know you wouldn’t do any good. I already know he has moved on to dating. When he broke up with me he still kept beating around the bush that we might eventually be together someday and then he changed his status on Facebook to single and deleted all my photos. There was never any closure conversation I’m 49 years old and just feel lost and so alone and rejected feeling like I just wasn’t good enough for him.

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Hi Natasha thank you so much for your post, it helped me so much!
I started dating this guy because his uncle presented us, since we had so much in common. We started speaking and it felt so right, like a mental connection, and I thought wow for the first time I met someone who is not a bad guy. We went out twice and everything was going perfect. I had the ‘relationship talk’ with him and he always said im not ready yet blablabla and I believed him because im not that experienced. I live in London, so I had to come back to finish my course while he was in my hometown, it was something like 15 days. We spoke during those days and he would always be sweet and kind. But the day I came back we had a huge fight because he wouldn’t be transparent about how he feels for me. And from that day on, he stopped being kind and sweet and started not replying to my texts or ignoring me and treating me bad. and I felt like he ‘used’ the fight as an excuse. So I took the decision to finish things with him by text, and I was sincere and honest. He came with the ‘you’re so perfect and amazing, I don’t deserve you story’. and then he said its not you its me and also ‘if I had another feeling for you I would have made you the happiest woman on the earth’. I realized then that he was the emotionally unavailable guy, he wants me but at the same time he is confused. I cried a lot and I felt like it was my fault. But now i’m overcoming the situation. sometimes he texts me, but I never answered him back again.
Thank you to all the amazing people who write in here
xx

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Thank you so much for sharing Rita. You did the right thing and you’re not alone xxxx

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This article has been the soothing salve I have so desperately needed. The fact someone else can so eloquently put my feelings into words – and even better – share the fact they have been here too is incredibly soothing.

I have had an on and off again relationflip for 18 months. I thought I was actually feeling part of my soul die last Christmas when he ghosted me for three weeks because “I’m not good with holidays’. My worst day saw me struggling to get out of bed and have a shower. I was foolish though as it was the 6th time he went cold on me but I always cut him slack because he wa going through some tough stuff. Never mind he was still going to the gym, on Facebook and giving gifts to loved ones.

I cut it off with him recently – but managed to actually verbalise the words ” you are so full of sh*t – I don’t know how you live with yourself” Ohhhh I felt so mean – but in that very same moment I realised I had no bad tummy feelings. I felt strong and connected to myself – stuff him!

And I haven’t bothered with him since. He always said when we made up in the past ” I missed you so much” …. But wait…. It was ALWAYS up to me to contact him first. He told me ” I don’t chase”. So I did that part too.

I have read many of your beautifully written articles here and can now see I was totally in love with a man who did not exist. I lived for the good times and his words… His actions were terrible though and didn’t match the sweet stuff spewing out of his mouth. (And the dozens of memes he sent me…)

I can see I allowed it all though. However I was sweet enough and vulnerable enough to love him regardless… I’m not going to beat myself up too much cause I’ve suffered enough. I’ll know better next time though! It’s good to be sweet and loving but you need to give that to yourself first. To thine open self be true…
Thank you Natasha for helping me through my heartache xxxx

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Thank you so much Lorel, for sharing your story and for the love and support. It means everything to me. I’m so glad that the blog has helped! xx

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This article has been the soothing salve I have so desperately needed. The fact someone else can so eloquently put my feelings into words – and even better – share the fact they have been here too is incredibly soothing.

I have had an on and off again relationflip for 18 months. I thought I was actually feeling part of my soul die last Christmas when he ghosted me for three weeks because “I’m not good with holidays’. My worst day saw me struggling to get out of bed and have a shower. I was foolish though as it was the 6th time he went cold on me but I always cut him slack because he wa going through some tough stuff. Never mind he was still going to the gym, on Facebook and giving gifts to loved ones.

I cut it off with him recently – but managed to actually verbalise the words ” you are so full of sh*t – I don’t know how you live with yourself” Ohhhh I felt so mean – but in that very same moment I realised I had no bad tummy feelings. I felt strong and connected to myself – stuff him!

And I haven’t bothered with him since. He always said when we made up in the past ” I missed you so much” …. But wait…. It was ALWAYS up to me to contact him first. He told me ” I don’t chase”. So I did that part too.

I have read many of your beautifully written articles here and can now see I was totally in love with a man who did not exist. I lived for the good times and his words… His actions were terrible though and didn’t match the sweet stuff spewing out of his mouth. (And the dozens of memes he sent me…)

I can see I allowed it all though. However I was sweet enough and vulnerable enough to love him regardless… I’m not going to beat myself up too much cause I’ve suffered enough. I’ll know better next time though! It’s good to be sweet and loving but you need to give that to yourself first. To thine own self be true…
Thank you Natasha for helping me through my heartache xxxx

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This was on point and something I needed this morn!! We teach men how to treat you and the I know what I deserve!!

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xoxo

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Natasha. This is soo true and what I’m dealing with.. I do know that I need to cut him off.. But this guy is my friend/ roommate/ ex.. But this article is spot on how I’m feeling and what I’m going through and what I’ve done!

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Thank Briana 🙂 I’m happy it helped! XO

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I just read your article and I must say it spoke to me so much more than the others I’ve been reading. It’s one thing to know someone is wrong for you but it’s another to get them out of your head. So many articles I’ve read talked about the “key” words to say to get them to realize your worth but unfortunately those don’t really work. I like how you talk about if he doesn’t realize your worth than you should walk away. Hopefully I an be stronger now especially since i have to see him everyday during the week at work 🙁 Thanks for writing this article!!!!!

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Thanks Brookie 🙂 I’m glad it served you. Read this if you haven’t already xo

https://postmalesyndrome.com/working-with-an-ex-the-worst-right-heres-what-to-do/

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Thank you for writing this amazing line, it just helped me when I was going through a really tough day full of memories of the ‘good times’:
“At times, you’ve seen him be everything that you want. So, you’re convinced that there must be something wrong with you and that you need to work on yourself because why else would this Jekyll and Hyde sh*t be happening?”

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Naomi, thank YOU for allowing me to see that I am not and was never alone in the way I feel/felt. Thank you from the bottom of my heart sister xoxo

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I am in an unhappy marriage and met a guy 2 years ago who I have seen twice because he lives in another state. The attraction is insane and being so lonely in my marriage I needed it. He has emailed me every couple of months and it’s mostly sexual. For two years. He has said a few times he feels guilty but then I hear from him again. The problem is he is not emotionally available bc he is married. Just sexual makes me feel cheap. I knew that and I deserve to be sad. I need to tell him no more. In afraid to cease contact but I deserve better and so do our spouses.

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OMG this is my life. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t eaten or slept in a month. Every morning I wake up and say Today I am not going to talk to her all day…..my anxiety kicks in and I end up texting or responding to her text. I feel like I am going crazy and need help!!!

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Hey Bynn,
Be kind to yourself. Take it slow. On a really hard day – take it hour by hour. Everything you’re feeling is normal.

It took me awhile but one day I realised I deserved so much better than what I was getting/feeling and I cut myself out of this persons life. No – I actually cut them out from mine!

Was a few months later than it should have ideally been – but I did do it. And it felt so empowering.
No more ups and downs. No more living for the good times. No more feeling high/low, loved/rejected.

You are doing great. You just stay true to yourself. Be kind to yourself.

It’s going to get easier day by day – and you are healing as each hour passes. Hugs xxx

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This makes me so happy xoxo

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Natasha, I’ve been going through a real rough patch with dating and have come to realize I have spent my entire life seeking validation from others. I’ve been trying to change but its been really hard. Then I stumbled on your blog yesterday and you are like my relationship spirit animal. You have perfectly put into words the exact feelings I’ve been having, and your articles are so helpful, I feel like I have a mini epiphany reading each one.
This article was especially helpful to me as I have been trying to get over a guy I just CAN’T QUIT that I’ve known for 8 years and never dated, but let him pretty much use me as he pleases because my self worth was so tied to his actions and the attention he sometimes threw my way. This gives me so much hope.
Thank you so much for your writing!

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Hi soul sister! Thank YOU so much. I’m happy that the posts have helped! You are loved, believed in and supported 🙂 xoxo

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Natasha- thank you so much for this blog. I found your words of wisdom after 6 months of hell. I had been best friends with a guy for about 10 years. We had blurred lines and really felt a connection. I’ve never felt more comfortable around someone like that before. He is older than me , and has had some issues with stress , ptsd and overall health. I’ve been there for him no matter what. Well he got sick a year ago and just disappeared. He couldn’t work and he didn’t want to talk to anyone. I tried so hard to understand why he would do this to me. Finally when we spoke he said not to flatter myself that he’s not talking to anyone. I sunk into a depression and ended up getting sick because I wasn’t eating, sleeping.. I just kept thinking about him. I finally realized that I was better off not hearing from him. I got mentally stronger ! He suddenly showed back up texting like nothing was wrong. Then I saw him and he acted like we were fine. He still disappears and won’t even commit to meeting me for a movie or lunch. He says he will but …. u know the drill. So I’m stuck again with a rubber band EU man who I try to get rid of and want to tell off but can’t because he won’t show up in front of me.. is it worth it?? Time to heal..:)

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Proud of you Finn. Keep having your own back and LISTEN to patterns when you see them. Thx for the love and support! XO

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Thank you for the xoxo ! I saw him the other day after not hearing from him — his no reply to texts is crushing. He hugged and kissed me like nothing was wrong. I was baffled … i literally had 30 seconds to see him and had to go into a meeting. He said he would be by this week but needed some time because he has been traveling for work a lot. Rigghhhttt. I doubt I will hear from him. 🙁 he’s so tunnel visioned… I keep moving forward and if u do get 5 minutes I’m soooo talking to him, and telling him how he hurt me.

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Perfect article. Perfect timing. I cut.him.off. Thank you.

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You go girl. Thanks Sarah! 🙂 xx

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Thank goodness for Google and finding this article! I have been involved with an EU guy for 5 years. He was in a relationship at the time, it was miserable blah blah I knew better & made a bad choice to hang in there because I thought he was the one. They broke up a few years ago. He was so charming at first but then when he was actually available well, things changed. Moods up & down, pulling me in then pushing me away. Limited affection, saying he wanted to live a better Christian life. I had broken up with him several times each time he came back promising thing would be different and each time I went back hoping they would be but being skeptical. I knew he kept in touch with prior ex’s they were all “just friends” and if I brought it up I was being “jealous.” Last year he told his best friends that I was perfect for him, yet still pulled away & pulled me back in. When I tried getting clarity about our relationship from him he would get frustrated that I even asked. He was going through a custody battle and would say he needed to focus on that. He claimed to have anxiety attacks so we rarely went out and he was not open about our relationship with many people. Earlier this year I broke up with him again and he pulled me back in 2 months later saying he loved me (this was the first time) and wanted us to be married and always presumed we would be etc. It wasn’t a proposal, and I just had that feeling in my gut. I said we could try but I wasn’t committing to jumping back in again 100% I needed to see his actions reflected his words. Within a few weeks he was back to the same behaviour.
I had a strong suspicion he was cheating and it was confirmed, he had pulled away again so in July I broke up with him ( I didn’t tell him I knew). Then a couple of months later he sends the text message “what have I done.” His court date looming he’s a mess and I’m partially back in it again helping out. I asked him straight up, why am I here is it just because you’re in crisis mode and I’ve been your go-to person for so long? Of course he says no, this is what 2 people do that love each other he wanted us to be a couple. So for a month we do that, hikes, outings with his child whom I’m very close to, over at his place but I still had that gut feeling and I decided to check his phone one day and he was still in contact with the girl who’s name he put as a guys name in his phone). So I called them both out on it and I got quite a history lesson (from her as he would not respond) Turns out they’d been off and on for quite sometime and he’d just been over to her place a few weeks beforehand, so while were out doing the family thing together he’s at her place the following weekend. It was so messed up to pull me back in again when he had her what was the point? Her and I were friends, she says he’s confused and conflicted, I told her he didn’t need to be anymore that she could have him. I sent him a long email and told him the same. He replied back not acknowledging he indiscretion, rather talking about how messed up he is, not even an apology. I didn’t reply. It’s been a week and a half. As I read back through this I think my god you idiot all the signs and red flags were there, you’re a smart girl what were you thinking?? I just wanted to believe him so much. I’m sitting here today knowing that they are together and I am alone and man that is hard because I’m lonely. But reading the article & everyone else’s comments is going to help me through this, so I thank you. I’m literally afraid to hit the send button on this because I’m ashamed that I kept going back for so long.
CMS

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Hi! I’m so glad that you hit that send button 🙂 You’re loved, supported, believed in and never alone. Thank you so much for sharing sister xoxo

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Oh!! Never feel ashamed to be true to yourself and accept that you deserve better! You have a big heart and lots to give – and you are just the same as the rest of us who kept trying to love someone who was EU.

Be proud of yourself and love yourself up. Be kind to yourself and cocoon yourself. Read the posts here and you’ll find great comfort in that. Especially on the bad days.

You’re doing great – you ARE smart and you are loveable too.

Be strong…you are not going to fail. You are on the right path and have learnt so much through this awful experience. It’s all good. Hugs xx
You are his loss – not the other way around! ?

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This made me tear up. Love it. Thanks Lorel! 🙂 xx

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Awww xx well you started this beautiful blog and it’s so full of love and empowerment – it’s easy to join in!??

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🙂 xxxxx

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Hey Natasha and everyone — please offer me some advice if possible. I’m mentally exhausted from dealing with a toxic EU guy for 7 years. We are very close friends but he has had some struggles in life and when he gets upset, he shuts down. I always give him space. Never ever pry. I’ve always been there for him no matter what – sickness, house sit, bring him somewhere etc.. well he’s recently had troubles with family . I heard from him a week ago via text. He was chatty and flirty which I’m used to. I asked when he would be able to swing up to my farm and visit. He got very guarded, saying he was out of town and if I didn’t want to be “dropped completely” not to ask what is bothering him. Ah okay. I told him I wouldn’t hurt him ever and he should know better. I reminded him how I have been through a lot as well and we should make a date. He laughed it off and made a joke and went on talking about something else… someone tell me I’m not insane here? I feel like the only way to stop this is to talk to him in person . Any advice ???

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Hi!

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this; I know how you feel. I wish that I could help, but I have too much to say to type it all out and not enough hands to type or hours in the day. This is why I can no longer give specific advice in the comments. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you are interested.

Thanks for the love, for reading and for your understanding.

You’re not alone XOXO

Here is the link to the coaching: https://postmalesyndrome.com/coaching/

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Thank-you so much Lorel for your encouragement, it is greatly appreciated!!

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Lorel, thank-you so much for your encouraging words 🙂 I replied earlier but I don’t see my post so trying again.
I will keep coming back to the site, I’m finding a lot of this information helpful.
Thanks again, god bless.
Christina

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Thank you for this article! I, too, am at the breaking point with an unavailable man. He’s somewhat of a narcissist and has left me feeling quite crushed/defeated. I know this isn’t who I want to be. At all. Yet somehow I’m here.

Every time I try to cut him off he decides to open up at that same moment. “Here, I’m opening up and sharing my feelings and fears.” But we keep having the same conversations over and over, coming up with the same solutions to help ease his fears and worries, etc. He tells me I play “the victim” a lot when we get in arguments and tells me he wants to keep me at a distance to protect his heart. But then he says he loves me and never wants to not have me in his life! I don’t think it’s very distant to say those things and pull me back in and I feel like a toy he can leave and pick back up whenever he’s ready.

It’s time to cut him off and per your suggestion, think about why I’m still emotionally invested. The journey starts now!

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Yes! Proud of you Em 🙂 xoxo

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Thank you, thank you, thank you. A thousand times, thank you. I needed to hear this today. With my bf for almost a year now, and never truly understood why he never empathized with me or wanted to truly listen to me and take me into consideration, and now I know. We recently had an argument about him not wanting to meet my friends, and he has ghosted now for 2 days. Talk about emotionally unavailable. Im going through it right now and look forward to the day where I get back to my normal happy, cheerful, bubbly self. That whole line of having more unhappy days than happy ones is so true. I also felt alone in the relationship. Either way thank you so much for this awesome post.

Xoxo
Chloe

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Thank YOU for the love and support Chloe! 🙂 I’m so happy it helped!! xo

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So true ! I’ve been with a guy for almost 2 years. He dumped me several time saying he wasn’t sure, he needed time, he wasn’t ready or (the worst) he couldn’t see me as the mother of his futur child. We were 22! I think still today what hurts the most is that he can’t look at me and apologize. Just to have a little recognition of the pain he caused me. I know it was not an healthy relationship, but it still hurts so badly… It feels like I’m never gonna move on. And that scares me … How can I still think about him when he was so mean ?

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I had been seeing a guy for the past 8 months that perfectly fits the EUM description. At the beginning, I ignored all the red flags and we were actually dating, like we would go an see movies, out to dinner, spend weekends together (at my place and only my place), we even had a weekend getaway to Tijuana. But we never talked on the phone, it was only texting (and sexting), and after 2 or 3 months, he stopped making plans. It was like he slowly started pulling away after being so seemingly invested. And for sure, slowly the “relationship” became more of we see each other once a week, have great sex (it is always the best, damn it…), never leave the apartment, he would spend the night, and leave the next morning… I knew by month #6 that this was more of a FWB than anything else. And like you said, I put up with it. Until last Sunday I simply had enough… I woke up and started looking for information. I came across your blog (which now I can say I’m 100% addicted to, haha), and devoured your posts. 3 hours later I ended it, civilized, no drama, just told him I wanted no more of this. He didn’t even fight it!! simply told me he understood and to take care and good luck. Yup, that was it. I can’t deny that the thirst for the “post-break-up-validation” sometimes hits me, but the feeling of being back to being ME it’s soooo liberating!! Yes, I feel sad, but I also feel so good with myself again I even started losing weight, Lol! And of course, the No Contact rule is in place now. I don’t think he will try to reach out anytime soon, but even if he does, I don’t care, I know better now, and I’m certainly never settling again. THANK YOU for your amazing posts! It’s so refreshing to find souls like yours with whom we can feel so identified and understood 🙂

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You go girl! So proud of you Natalia. There’s nothing like kindly having your own back and staying on your white horse. Thank you for your love, sisterhood, support and for being a part of this tribe 🙂 XO

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5 years with an emotionally unavailable man with many narcissistic traits. Constant withholding, not answering, hot and cold, making me assume I was needy or overly emotional for wanting his response or his perspective. I told him goodbye last week and it hurts worse than any pain I could imagine. He did not respond and has not come after me. It breaks my heart and also breaks my heart that I didn’t love myself more than I loved him. I want to heal. I understand the logic. I just need my heart to catch up with my head.

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It will. Keep coming back here to the blog. You’re not alone Anna XO

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Thank you sooo much!!! I was in an LDR for a few months. But I bEgan noticing things. Things like a lack of phone calls, texts. Then it escaled to talk about other women, then it stopped. My girls began telling me that they aren’t real, in effect trying to tell me to pay it no mind. I mean, the calls were beginning to change then it would start back to the way it was before. I’ll admit the women stories didn’t make an ounce of sense, so I began feeling that they weren’t real too. Another person started telling me about the “cave” and “rubber banding” that men go through, and while I do believe that, it didn’t sit right with me concerning this guy, somehow. He began a little controlling behavior which I have a problem with from my abused days. Finally, not being able to take it any longer, I pulled the plug! OMG! For someone MIA (ghosting?), he called me a total of five times in one night. Yes I said 5 times, in quick succession, like putting one foot before the other while walking. Unbelievable! What did he want? I have no idea because I refused to answer. Later I started thinking that maybe he wanted to talk, at least that’s what a girlfriend feels. But after reading you, I don’t think so. I feel his ego was crushed, or as an EMS worker said (long story) that my guy said to hI’m self “oh no! What did I do!?” Well, too late! I’m done. I absolutely got tired of the disrespect, etc.

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I just ended a relationship today. Although I do believe he is emotionally unavailable, I believe my guy tried. I know where his pain comes from. He was always respectful and loving. Generous. He just couldn’t be there for me emotionally. The sex was amazing and he actually was very intimate and taught me to love my body. He would get close than back away. I am not angry just sad. I realize I need more. This all happened by text because he was on one of his retreats from me. I haven’t heard from him. I wish him well and that I can stay strong. Thanks

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Thank you. Really needed this.

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Glad it helped! XO

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I have a this thing with a guy right ? And let’s just say he’s never treated me wth full respect . He always asks for nudes but I don’t do that. Anyways sometimes he ignores me for no reason and it gets me angry because it makes me feel like I did something wrong. I used to cry myself to sleep because of the things that were left unsaid. At first I didn’t like him but I got pulled in by his mysterious side. I’m still talking to him , well right now no because I decided to take a break from social media but it’s still hard to not think about him. I know he’s probabaly no good for me but yet I can’t stop. I would never block him , like I can never see myself cutting him off which is probabaly just worse for me. I don’t know what to do , I love tried everything but it’s still not working and I’ve tried to talk to some of my friends about it but all they reply with is “Damnn” so it’s really hard to go from that. Anyways we both go to different schools which are actually rivalry . So I don’t ever see him, and he’s never asked me out but yet he played the “Idk why but I just love u” card and I’m really insecure so I knew at this point that it couldn’t be true. However your article was right , I want him to be the one , really bad but sometimes he’s not putting in effort or time into it.

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Hi Mila! I’m so happy that the post helped 🙂 Keep coming back here to the blog. You’re not alone. XO

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I have been seeing an emotionally unavailable man on and off for the last 13 years. Sounds ridiculous I know, and I am angry with myself thinking about how I could have put up with it for so long, but I did and have because I love him and hoped some day he would change. When I say on and off, for the most part of our relationship will be good for 3 months and then he would disappear and I would not hear from him again for 3 months and then he would call out of the blue.. and this pattern has gone on and on for over 10 years now.
From October last year things was going really great, he was more attentive and more available and he decided that he wanted to make things ‘official’ and so finally we became ‘In a relationship’ at the start of this year. But sure enough, within a couple of weeks of making it official things changed very quickly and soon he recoiled back into his emotionally unavailable self. 2 weeks will go by and he’ll makes excuses why he can’t come over and hang out, he’ll hand me crumbs seeing me a couple of hours every other week and calling every day just to satisfy me just enough for me not to disappear or get upset with him. When not seeing him because he is ‘too busy’ or ‘feeling unwell’ I will then learn he has been hanging out with his ex and their friends, and when I called him out on this, he said he didn’t feel there was a problem with this as there is nothing between them. This then makes me feel insecure because he would rather hang out with her than me. I am now on day 10 of not seeing him again as he’s not been feeling well and to be quite honest, enough is enough. I know I need to end this relationship as it is making me feel like shit and I know when I do, he won’t even care. But my problem is… I just don’t know how to do it….. I have let this behaviour be acceptable for so many years, how do I now say I need more.. enough is enough.
Part of me just feels like deleting and blocking his number and any contact with him and riding away on my white horse for good, the other half of me feels like I should tell him he’s a sh*t boyfriend and I don’t want to do this anymore and call him out on this bullshit.. but I know he wont care because he is emotionally unavailable and incapable of giving a crap about anyone but himself and this will make me angry and act out of control and I don’t want to lash out and upset myself anymore and make myself look like a insecure needy girlfriend.
Do you have any tips on how to address this so that I can still stay on my white horse and leave with my dignity in tact?… I feel so crazy right now, I need to take back control of my life for good.

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Hi Vicki!

I wish that I could answer your question, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day. This is why I cannot give specific advice/answers in the comments.

Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested.

All my love to you soul sister.

You’re not alone XOXO

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Natasha,
Any clue as to why / how men get to be EU ? Just wondering….
Also, I just broke up with an EU man after 1 1/2 years…. I’m 62 – widowed 3 years ago, and this was my first relationship since I married way back when I was 18 – so I’m new at relationships.
We have a trip planned in 2 months – all paid for – flights, hotel, etc. He mentioned he might go with me (I told him I was still going as I had invested $ in tickets, etc). Should I let him go with me ? He has also invested $ in the trip. Its a 5 day trip over a weekend. The split was amicable – he never promised me anything – we had such fun together but he could not connect emotionally and I finally got strong enough to break it off because I was not getting what I needed emotionally from him. Is there a real possibility of being “just friends”…. ? Debra

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Hi Debra!

I wish that I could advise, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give specific advice/answers in the comments.

Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog. I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would love to explain further.

All my love to you soul sister.

You’re not alone XOXO

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I have been in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable woman for the past three years. It has completely devestated me and made me question everything about myself. Constant ups and downs, constant abandonment yet telling me she loves me. I’m 42 years old, have been married and divorced, had long term relationships but never felt the pain I experienced throughout this relationship. I felt like I was constantly reassuring her that I was there for her, she could depend on me and spent a great deal of time trying to get her to open up to a greater level of connectivity. Constant mixed signals from her end. It has honestly made me feel like I’m going crazy in my head and made me a nervous wreck and I know this is not who I am at my core. She would withhold, draw back and then reel me back in with a lot of words but no actions. It has caused me to spend countless hours researching emotionally unavailable people, trying to tell her we can work through this, go to counciling together and yet I still get breadcrumbs. I have so much to offer as a loving, understanding partner and this scenario has just made me lose myself. My needs were not being met yet I still did everything I could to show her I was there for her. I have a lot of work to do on myself in this regard. When I care for and love a woman I give it my all and that was never reciprocated. She was always lost in her work and her horse and I felt like I was never a priority. She would tell me at times that she felt like she was stringing me along yet in the same breath tell me she loved me. Total mind f**k. We have officially been broken up for 4 weeks now and I’ve tried everything I can to get her off my mind and move on but I am consumed with her and still want to ‘fix’ the situation. I have told her we cannot have contact anymore but will then text her 3 days later. We met up a week ago and had dinner together and I was a complete nervous wreck and she just makes me sad. She texted me afterwards and said she had a good time. Meanwhile my heart and soul are in deep despair that she can’t give me those few words I want to hear. ‘Let’s work on this’. I have never been consumed so much by a relationship and let it manifest within myself the way I have with this one. The constant push pull and ups and downs has really taken an emotional toll on me and as of now I do not plan on contacting her again. One day at a time. It’s very hard. I have told her my feelings and thoughts. Told her I felt like she was keeping me at arms length, told her I needed a hug every now and then but she would never acknowledge my needs or make me feel wanted. I always felt like I was low on the priority list. She was always working or tired. I would ask her to spend a couple days out of town with me and she never had time yet had time to go see her girlfriend in Chicago at a moments notice. I have so much work to do on myself right now and the pain and rejection is almost more than I can bare at times. I have this illusion of false hope that she will show up at my door, tell me she is sorry and that we are going to work through this. It’s consuming me, making me crazy and this is not who I am. I fed off of crumbs for three years by a woman who told me she loved me and it’s just a total mind f**k that I have allowed. I feel that I’m on the right path in recognizing what I have put myself through but the pain is very real and I’m dealing with it. Much love to anyone who has gone through anything remotely close to this experience.

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Hi Greg! Thank you so much for sharing. You are loved, supported, believed in, understood, empathized with and never, ever alone. I do offer one-on-one coaching of you are interested (& I coach many men as this subject matter and pain does not discriminate against gender, age or wisdom). You are not alone.

All my love to you. – Natasha

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This is a great article which I should come back to every time I start feeling sad and missing my broken relationship. We were together for nearly 2 years, we are both mid 30s. I met him online and he came in strong from the start. In the beginning I felt I was driving the communication as I felt I had to show interest. He introduced me to friends/family quite quickly and 6 months into the relationship he asked me to move in together. There were signs even before that which I didn’t pay attention to as I was just happy and thought I had someone who was equally giving (I am a giving person). Just before we moved in, he confessed he had been having a gambling problem for 15 years, gambling all his savings. I accepted it and helped him through it, going to gambling councelling etc. Then the downslope started, he was breaking up with me on every single argument, stonewalling me when I was trying to share my feelings, ignoring me when I tried to talk to him, withdrawing and not talking to me with days, telling me that he didn’t know he wanted to be with me and he can’t commit (but yet swearing he was committed). In the beginning I came in strong and told him I would not accept this behaviour but it continued happenning (he was breaking my boundaries over and over again) up to the point I couldn’t talk to him as I was scared of his anger and reaction. I was always to blame for everything. I started having panic attacks and started therapy. I waited for him for a month and was committed while he was away on a course for a month and when he came back, the first day I showed him I would not tolerate his behaviour anymore, he broke up with me. It was hard and i unexpected, I was not going to break up with him but work on myself to be able to better understand him, but now I understand this was just one sided effort and a relationship is two-sided. It’s been a month now, we have arranged all living and financial details and I blocked his number. I miss the good times but yet, I remind myself that this person has hurt me in so many different ways that I should not allow even being friends after that. Now I am reading a lot and doing the things I love, regardless of what others say. A friend said that a bad relationship only ends to open up space for something better. Love yourselves xx

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Anne, you are loved, supported, understood, believed in, empathized with and never, EVER alone. Thank you so much for sharing. Keep coming back here to the blog and thank you for being a part of this tribe 🙂 xxx

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Great article that really hit home for me! I am dating, if you can call it that, a guy just like your describing. When we see each other, its mind blowing, loving, the best but then the next day he acts like we are in a business meeting. Doesn’t text me or call. The hardest part is that we work in the same place, so I see him and its so difficult to end it. But I know for my own sanity I have to. I deserve better treatment than someone who says and does all these loving things to me but then acts like we don’t even know each other. It is literally insane!

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Hi Kim! I totally get it and have been there. So happy that the post helped! Keep coming back here to the blog and just know that you’re not alone and eternally supported. XOXO

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I had a 2 years relationship with this kind of guy. He told me from the beginning he doesn’t want relationship and I was just out of a marriage so I was ok with it. But it developed only he kept saying not wanting to commit while we were doing all couple stuff and he opened up a bit to me. Everything was perfect when we spent time together but once we were apart he wouldn’t contact me for few days or a week. He was also always hot and cold. He never really mentioned the future with me. when I started to fall for him, he broke up abruptly without a proper explanation. Now I understand he is an emotional unavoidable men. I was determined to get over him and I hold on for more than 6 months no contact, but I Still feel somehow I want to see him and ask him some questions I couldn’t figure out. So I reached out and he replied but when I asked to meet, he keeps silence. It just feel exactly same as when I was with him, I had no idea what’s going with him. Right now I don’t why he is not giving me any answer. I know I need to move on but don’t know why I still want to see him one last time as a closure. I want to call him to get a straight answer, sometimes I feel the only way to move on is to push him to the extreme so he cut me off (like keep contacting him tell me to get lost). Should I push him to the extreme?

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Hi A!

I wish that I could elaborate further and answer your question, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details.

I will definitely try to write a post about this soon though.

All my love to you. Thanks for your love and understanding.

You’re not alone xo

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Hello,
I have had a relationship with an EUM for the past 10 months. The first 6 months were perfect, we was boyfriend and girlfriend spoke about meeting each others families and seen each other every week. Then one day out of the blue whilst on a date and having a nice normal time he said he had doubts over the relationship and couldn’t see a future with me. He said he cant give me a full explanation because he doesn’t know why himself but that has doubts and has had them for a while. The past 4 months have been up and down still meeting up every few weeks and me staying at his house, acting like we did before BUT with no actual commitment and not getting back together. In these meet up’s he has said that he struggles with out age difference, he is 12 years older. He also has MS and has said this is a big factor in why he feels he cant be with me and that I should move on with someone stronger my own age.
We met 2 weeks ago for a drink and we ended up kissing. He said he misses me and thinks about me on a daily basis. The night ended on a really good note and we said we would do something again in a couple of weeks. We text and phoned each other for a week after that and it was fine and we was flirting, planning on doing something in the next week. He has since gone cold again, was still replying to me but being very distant. I have now told him I am not willing to carry on this way anymore because I am tired of his hot cold behaviour and he has not replied. That was 3 days ago.
I am getting fed up with it now and have decided to cut him off for good. How can someone say they think about you daily, keep keeping you there dangling on a string but then not want to be with you?

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Hi Emma!

You’re doing the right thing <3 I'm proud of you. Keep speaking with your actions and coming back here to the blog. You are loved, supported, appreciated and never, EVER alone. XOXO

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I cant seem to walk away. I have never felt so weak in my life. He is the only guy that has ever had me this weak. I know i need to walk away, but I can’t. Im so afraid of the pain that will come with it. I need some serious advice here!

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Hi Shannon!

I wish that I could advise, but I don’t have enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give advice in the comments section.

Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding.

I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help further ? The link to it is on the homepage.

All my love to you.

You’re not alone xo

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I wrote a great letter and sent it to my EU partner of two months. I feel so free. It was a draining and painful roller coaster.
The letter stated that: I know we had strong feelings for each other but it isnt going to work out. I want honesty and even little lies destroy trust. I treat people the way I want to be treated. Why be an option when you should be a priority? I’m no ones fool. I’m not into being your sex toy. I value my self worth and I don’t give away my emotions to just anyone.
you can stay on dating sites which you have chosen to do arms search for someone to make you happy. I will do that also.
Thanks for some great times we had and I truly hope that you find what you’re searching for. ❤️” he said So be it goodbye and my name.
Can’t tell you how free I feel. I learned a lesson. Don’t jump so fast. Don’t believe words until you get to know someone.
It was the worse two months in my life! And I’m moving on and looking forward to meeting some new prospects now! I got my dignity back. Thank God!!!!!

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YES!! 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing! You go girl. So proud of and happy for you. XO

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Hi everyone, I have been dating a man for almost 4 years. It seems like he has every excuse in the world not to make a commitment. And Its always , to his view, that there something wrong with me, that if we could just “get through five minutes without a conflict” and maybe he’d even think about it. I don’t even think he understands that his lack of commitment and intimacy is creating a ton of tension in me. And it’s not his job to recognize that. I was really starting to see the light that he would never be emotionally available the day before I read this. I’ve bent over backwards, compromised my values, exposed my children to conflict as I tied to ‘be enough’ to win his love. I know That I am whole without him and blessed beyond belief, but it’s been soooo hard to walk away. Last night I called it out and said I can’t do this anymore, and that I didn’t believe he would ever emotionally connect, be Equally vulnerable, or commit to me. And he said “you’re right”. Wow. I guess that is some closure. It just took me so long, and so much self-doubt, to come to this point. I guess it takes what it takes. Thanks for reminding me that I deserve an emotionally equal and available partner to experience true intimacy and LIVE life ❤️ Fully. Yes tjhebtoilet needed flushing and moving on.!peace all:)

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🙂 thanks Devin!

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I have been involved with an EUM on and off for over 5 years. Originally I broke it off after 2 months telling him I wouldn’t be involved with someone who wouldn’t make me a priority. He came back 3 months later all hot and heavily courting me – then backed down and earmarked by everything you mentioned – the hot come on in the beginning, the backing off, the never willing to have hard talks about hard things, not including me in his friend or family circle and me willing to accept the crumbs. The break up was as ambiguous as the relationship, always trying to dip his toes back in the water or keep a sliver of the door open. Unfortunately, I was trying to move on, but still hopeful and let that sliver stay open. Four days ago I was on FB (he does not have a profile), a link from someone led to someone else to someone else and BAM a wedding picture of him on the beach with his new bride and all of their kids. To say I am shell shocked is an understatement. While we haven’t been in constant contact like they first 3 years, there was still contact and while he was courting another woman and didn’t have the low hanging man parts to tell me. Of course this triples the pain created by an EU relationship because now I am smacked in the face with why couldn’t he commit to me? Does anyone think he was able to make himself available to this person or is she just in for the same torment I dealt with?

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Hi Jen! I wish that I had more time in the days and hands to type. I’ve been through this before. I truly think she’s in for the same. I would obviously need more details, but that’s just based on what you wrote and were kind enough to share. Wish that I could elaborate more. Thank you for your love, understanding, sisterhood and support! XO

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My original reasoning in Googling relationship struggling subjects was two attempt to understand the reasoning behind my boyfriends chronic infidelity, inability to be honest about pretty much anything, emotional detachment and unavailability, and incapability of communicating normally in any aspect. The emotional damage this man has created in me over the five years we’ve been together is truly unfathomable. The destruction his actions have caused my self confidence and self worth is indescribable. I constantly feel as though I’m searching for answers, for meaning, for a legitimate excuse for his behavior. For some sort of magic explanation for his actions so that I can somehow say okay, that’s a legitimate reason why a person would cause such severe damage to another person that they supposedly love, it’s not because I did anything wrong. Ironically enough, your post was so spot-on, and exactly what I needed to hear despite probably not wanting to hear but needed to all the same. Thank you for taking the time too write such powerful truths that literally resonated with my Soul. I had what recovering alcoholics refer to as a Moment of clarity. I now see that it is completely pointless, absurd, and insane to attempt to understand why this man simply does not have anything good and Worthy to offer anyone at all period. Not me, not anyone! For whatever reason he is completely emotionally unavailable, incapable of honesty, disloyal in every way, an extremely immature and also incapable of having a healthy adult relationship. I have left this man Railroad me emotionally, mentally, just in every way imaginable for far too long. just the way you worded captured my attention and made me come to the realization that there is no good reason for me to continue to torture myself like this! Especially voluntarily!! Things will never change, things will never get better, and I will probably never have any answers for why he did such unfathomable things with absolutely no regard to my feelings. Simply because there is no good reason for anyone two do things they know would completely destroy someone they care about. Thank you for the wake-up call, I have now made a decision mentally two take myself to a different path and choose a different Journey for myself that doesn’t involve someone breaking my Heart over and over again. No more excuses for this ridiculous behavior of his, and the fact that I love him has absolutely nothing to do with doing what I need to do in order to love myself and put myself first. Do I still love this man? Absolutely! That is something I cannot help. That is something that won’t change no matter how much I wish it would. Does the fact that I love him mean I have to put up with his mental and emotional abuse? Absolutely not! I can’t help who I love, but I can’t choose to love from a distance. This is the first moment of my new beginning, and every day and every minute of this process of disassociation will be a step towards letting go.

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Amber,

I want to hug and high 5 you simultaneously!

I’m happy that the post helped and am so proud of you 🙂 Keep coming back here to the blog and just know that you are loved, understood, supported and never alone in any of this. All my love to you sister. XO

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Natasha,

I love your post!! I’ve been dating this guy for 2 and a half month, and out of no where he found a girl that he quote on quote “wants to try to be exclusive with”?!?! I was heartbroken and everything you said in your post speaks true to everything I’ve feeling. If not for my friends and fining your post I think I would still be obsess about it now.

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YAY!! I’m so happy to help! Thanks Lena 🙂 xo

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I loved your article as it is exactly where i am now. I have been an emotionally slave of a guy for 4 years who seems to be on and off. We basically are LDR if that is a crazy calling for that. 2015 we planned to have a vacation together but its the worst. I kept my communication open just to test myself how to move on and probably we can just be friends and maybe theres just something wrong with me thats why i saw his emotionless side when i exprssed how disappointed i am to him.So whenever i asked him whats are status, he cant tell me exactly what we are. Just last august he visited me here in my place, which he only squeezed in his holiday. He went for diving back in my country but he never invited me. So 2 months i never talked to him. After that he tried to speak to me again so my soft as marshmallow stupid heart got melted with all his stories and about the situation if his sick mom. And along the way he expresses something to me like we are okay couple. Then a week back there is a normal phone call, chatting and he even ask me to visit him to experience snow back in the netherlands and he offerd me road trip to belgium and germany as he mentioned it long back. He is a successful executive of a software company and just got promoted and will be handling a huge team this coming year and when he offered me to visit him next year, i thought it was something cool because he will give me some time and i thought he just realize my value.. Then last time when i said my goodnight to him with my my normal sweet message, at 10pm my time and his 8pm time- i never heard any response. Of course i did not ask him why he did not reply. So today its almost 6 days without getting any message from him even once in a while i see him online.. so just now i blocked him in all our communication.. Im tired and i want to start a new year without any burden of an emotionally sick man!

Thanks for the empowerment!

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I’m so happy to help! 🙂 Thanks Smila!! XOXO

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I want to say that this also happens to men not just women and it just happened to me. I was with a woman who was extremely emotionally disconnected and unavailable. I would get crumbs of affection and usually only when I mentioned that it was lacking. I moved out multiple times only to be convinced it would change, she would get help with her intimacy issues etc etc.

Now we are not together anymore and I miss her like crazy. I don’t really understand that part of it as I was very unhappy and unsure in the relationship. We did everything together but when it came to deeper emotional connection I could not get through to her. I understand her past had a lot to do with that and all but it hurt.

In doing more soul searching I realized that I am also unavailable for myself and my needs (affection, attention, affirmation, etc) and was seeking this externally. If I am really taking care of myself I wouldn’t settle for crumbs from anyone. So thats the path i’m on now. Good days and bad days.

with love….

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Hi!

OF COURSE this happens to men. I mention it all the time here on the blog and I have clients of all genders, races, age-ranges, orientations, etc. Unfortunately what I write about does not discriminate against any of these. You are extremely self-aware, perceptive, and not alone in any of this. You’re on the right path. Sending you so much love.

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Hmmm have you seen Katarina Phang and how she teaches you to lean back w eum. Im curious. Part of me thinks that we should have compassion for these guys but Katarina swears that they are just not ready yet and we should circular date other men until they are. Thoughts?

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I know this is a old article but this is my situation.. I’m hurting so much an so confused I caught my dude of five plus years cheating on me. Yet he tell me I don’t want to get married or live together but I’m still holding on because I’m in love. I’m scared this will repeat itself not really sure what to do I’m so confused an hurt!

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On my, I just ended a relationship with a man and who is so emotionally unavailable it’s crazy! I’m a 65 year old woman who was happily married for 38 years and lost him to cancer. I KNOW what a real relationship is like, yet I let this man (66) string me along for 2 and a half years! He had been married for 18 years to someone he didn’t love. His other relationships were few and far between but never lasted more than two years! He stole my heart right off the bat, and we had some great times…but I was ALWAYS playing second fiddle to his family, or any other distraction that came along. He told me he’d never loved anyone more than me, I was the “Story of his Life”. He was a partial caretaker for his elderly Mom, and she was very demanding and manipulating.. She actually tried to break us up, although to my face she was thrilled he found someone. To live with me, he would have had to “break the tie” with Mom, and agreed to do so a year ago, but never really did and never brought it up again until I did 8 months ago….I told him his actions did not match his words, and he agreed and said he would move in blah blah blah….fast forward…the only thing that changed is that he moved 1 piece of furniture over, most of his clothes and his golf clubs! He is retired (I am not) and he left every morning after I made him breakfast (homemade muffins!), and he would play golf or take care of his Mom’s house or stay with her, then return to my home for a home cooked dinner anytime he decided to show up, sometimes as late at 7:30! Watch TV and that was it. He always said he wanted us to be together, but he couldn’t do it. It was a non ending roller coaster and anxiety for 2 years. No plans, no goals, no nothing. Everything was on his terms. I gave 120% willingly, and got nothing in return. I could write a novel. I never experienced anyone like this so I had no idea what an EU was! HORRIBLE! I never felt he was 100% mine, made excuses all the time (so much drama with his family etc etc…never ending drama) and I just kept thinking what else can I do to make him mine? I realized there is nothing, and I don’t want him. I know there is better and I know I deserve someone who appreciates me and what I have to offer. Just took me too long to break it off. I supposed being along again was a fear, but my stomach in knots all the time is no way to live. I’m giving myself time to heal and learn to feel better about myself again and move on. After I broke it off, and I did no nicely, just told him the relationship wasn’t working for me, I was almost giddy and the relief was tremendous. Of course, a week later, I’m feeling down, not knowing what my future will hold….but I will be better in a few months! As they say, you learn something new everyday and boy, did I learn! No more!

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I am BEYOND grateful that I came across this page. I have been in. “Relationship” with somebody for 8 months that I’m just not realizing is actually emotionally unavailable. We broke up and kind of started again.. but today I realized that somebody that cares about you won’t leave you wondering where you stand. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling like I’m not good enough for this certain person.. I know I’m a great person and I’m so mad that I’ve allowed somebody to break me down to the point of wondering why I’m not enough. This article is everything and I will continue to read it over and over again until I’m finally completely over this person.

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So happy it helped 🙂 Thanks Sar! XO

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So I finally slept with him for the last time… and usually I would text him the day after… this time, I did not. He texted me the next day. Checked in how was I doing. I replied, but just short and sweet. And then he texted again the next day saying, “Happy Monday!”… I did not react to that! I would usually jump in to reply him back in few minutes and it’s been four days now since then. And I feel so empowered! Thank you for this article!!!

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YAY! Happy to help! Thanks Verb 🙂 xx

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Your articles are so helpful! I thank you so much!!! Please keep writing and empowering us. You are a blessing, Natasha! ❤️

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Thanks Verb! 🙂 I’m so happy to help. I promise to never stop. Likewise – you are such a blessing to me and this tribe. xoxo

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I seriously cannot express how much this letter came at the right time in my life. I have been dating an emotionally unavailable man for the last year and I’ve been so torn up about it. I know it me that needs to look inside myself and really understand why I have this unhealthy attachment. And ultimately just make the choice now to let. it. go. Bc I don’t have that relationship I know I deserve in life and the longer I stick to and allow this s*** means the longer I prevent myself from finding a man that is capable of reciprocating. Your letter literally made me laugh out loud. like hard, bc it’s just so true and when you look at it square in the face, it’s ridiculous and funny how much energy I’ve been putting into something that just isn’t serving me or serving my future! Thank you!!!

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YAYYY!! So happy it helped 🙂 thanks D.D! xx

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THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER READ! THANK YOU!

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Yay! Happy it helped 🤗♥️

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Great read and very relatable for me…. I have been involved with an EUM on and off for over 5 years.. It’s physically , mentally, and emotionally exhausting to be involved these men. It’s day 18 of no contact and I’m not budging. Now, I’m trying to focus on being the best version of myself …. something I was not… when I was with him.

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Happy it helped! 🙂 Thanks Liza! xo

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This helped me so much, I was seeing an EUM for about 6 months I just got out (well after a year) of a loving 8 year relationship with a man that was really great but we grew apart and I had to end it. So meeting this new guy I felt so strongly for and we connected so hard was a real exciting moment and I guess through the time that was all I was holding on to. He opened up to me about suffering from extreme anxiety about 2 months in and he runs his own restaurant business so I took a back seat to everything, which I kept telling myself I was fine with (which I guess I was). It started to really effect me as I started to realise I wasn’t really being my true self and wasnt really being treated right. I was waiting for him to throw little nuggets at me, when he would I would eat them up so fast and that would be my fuel to keep going, but then it would go cold again. We only saw each other 4 times in that 6 months! I KNOW crazy right but I was hooked. Because he was going through so much I started to feel like his therapist and I soon realised that this wasn’t healthy for me. This was really hard to come to terms with as I wanted to be there to fix/help him. His constant apologies for not being present and not meeting were what kept me going. Finally I had to stop and go “what am I actually getting out of this” I think it’s really hard to draw the line and I know exactly how all these people are feeling. I was going to end it so many times, I am a realist so if you are not into me, that is okay. But this EUM assured me he was, and we shared so many deep moments. I finally got out after he went through another really bad batch, It was really hard to call it but it was taxing on me and my mental health.

My advice that I learnt from this rollercoaster is to NOT blame yourself, do not take it personally and if you see the signs get out, it won’t get better. We all have our own lines though and there is no shame in staying for the time that we feel like we are ready to leave. Please stop blaming yourself and please don’t ever change the way you love and put the effort into someone. It will be appreciated for the right person, don’t change yourself as you are not the one that needs to. Thanks for the awesome article Natasha, you are a sweet soul. x

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Hi Anna!

I’m so happy that it helped and couldn’t agree more 🙂 Thank you for your love, support, sisterhood, connection, and for being a part of this tribe.

You are an inspiration <3 xxxx

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Hey..
I just need some advice/clearity from this tribe here because I am SO confused.
During our relationship I became depressed because I still struggled with a horrible break-up. It just kicked in a few monthes later and still to this day I have no idea why it happened. So while in a good relationship I started to become emotional unavailable myself, suffered from horrible insecurity and felt so alone. My current ex and boyfriend at this time is not a hug person. But a hug was what I needed the most and what I missed so much from the very begining. . So my insecurities became so huge I had no identity left and was crying every single day for months. He always said he doesn’t need it because he knows he is good enough so it doesn’t ‘help’ him and he couldn’t understand why I needed it that much. Now we broke up and it’s like I awake from a really long sleep and ask myself every day: What the hell happened the last year? Was it me being so insecure that even 1000 hugs every single second of the day would not help me in any way getting better. Or is he emotional unavailable? I never met someone I felt so secure with apart from the physical intimacy . I am so confused because during the last months I worked so hard on myself and I know I can give myself what I need. So I really want him back but I am so afraid that it will be the same again and I can’t find any closure because I don’t know who I was in this relationship and what behaviour caused what…
Anyone who experienced the same? Would love to hear from you all, because this blog, this tribe is so amazing. Every time when I practise yoga I think of each and everyone here.
Thanks Natasha for creating such a beautiful place.
xoxo

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THANK YOU

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<3 <3 <3 xoxo

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Natasha! You are amazing and I’m grateful that you exist! I absolutely feel for everyone that’s going thru similar things that I am going thru, or have HAD to go thru,( including You, Natasha!) Heartbreak is damn near deadly, only if we ALLOW it. And that is something I have recently learned.
The relationship between Mr. Y and myself was once so hard to believe, I was creating drama cause I swore it was ‘too good to be true’. Well, it still is. Hey, when this boy walked up to me, my first thought was” Oh crap. Please go away”! But after he asked if he could sit down with me and we started talking….I was intrigued. Honestly, it was refreshing to have an intelligent conversation with a guy. The more he texted me, the more annoyed I got. Let me mention this: I had just gotten thru a divorce. I had not been in love with the ex husband in a very long time. There were years where the opportunity to get over my husband were taken advantage of. What stopped me from the divorce was my beautiful children with him. And I knew it would devastate said husband. Yet it had to be done.
So, here’s Mr. Y. Borderline blowing my phone up. The interest was definitely there. And the sex was good. And before I knew it, Mr. Y and I had, what I most definitely felt, was a connection on a spiritual level. Never in my life did I think I could end up dating such a surprisingly wonderful dude. He also did sweet things for me, listened to me, connected with me.
But isn’t the beginning the best of what it will ever be?
I’ve never felt love before. Where you put him first in everything you do? I most definitely would take a bullet for him. But after a year, he won’t even buy me a card for my birthday. Hell I asked him to make one, for no money spent, and that didn’t happen. He doesn’t even like sharing his f*cking
Chips with me, y’all! Mr. Y loves himself so much more than anything else in the world. Sadly, I realize, he always will. He was abused as a child, was alone for a large time frame of his childhood, and is very narcissistic and emotionally unavailable. Damn. …. But I must say this; I’m not going to give up on him. For the most part, I’m not giving up on myself! This situation has taught me so much. Mr. Y has taught me a lot about me, about life, and how to be stronger than my feeling want to allow. I was a Psychology Major in college. I absolutely love it! So all of the things I have learned and the things I’m still learning, ( THANK YOU NATASHA!!!) I simply am too smart and too strong to let him destroy my heart. I do love him and yes, I see all the red flags but I have hope. My sweetheart is damaged and I must remember that I can’t change him or save him. It sucks. So this is where I ask, “Am I crazy to stay”? Is there anything any of you see here that you wish to comment on? I’m willing to listen and learn. All the gaslighting techniques he’s thrown at me, well, I’ve come to realize what he’s been up to and I won’t allow it anymore. I’m not that crazy and I’m going to focus on my children, and his two kids, too, as well as focus on my career. What do you guys think? I have nobody that I can really call “friend” these days. Not at this point in my life. So I’m reaching out….
Love to you all, you guys and gals are strong and inspiring!!

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Hi Sarah! Thank you so much for sharing 🙂 I’m so happy and honored to help. I wish that I had the time to comment on it all. Other readers are here to support you (it’s easier on recent posts to get more feedback too 🙂 ).

Thank you for being a part of this tribe. You are loved, supported, understood, backed, believed in, and never alone. xoxo

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I tried to make things work with this emotionally unavailable guy. I compromised, initiate outings to see him , tried to kept as calm and composed as I can when he didn’t reciprocate. The last straw came when I asked him to show me more care when I’m shivering from the cold. I know it sounds so ridiculous right? I told him what other normal boyfriends would do if their girlfriends felt cold. Guess what? He sees it as attempts from me to quarrel with him. Because he is so emotionally unavailable, I dread to speak to him. Such stuff can be easily resolved just by saying it out but I didn’t dare to. Every time I tried to pinpoint differences or expectations, its seen as an attempt to be angry ,to quarrel. Mind you, I’m seriously not am wanting to quarrel n i simply hate quarreling as much as he does. However, he cannot tolerate such conversations. I’m hurt but he doesn’t give a damn. I’m really regretful I loved him but because I loved him n he wants out, I have to be gracious n let him go.
He is just too self centred for a real loving relationship. I minded his actions because I care. I regret showcasing my emotions n demonstrating that I need care n love to believe in being in a relationship with him.

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Excellent article! Definitely a keeper, which I plan to refer back to. And after reading others posts, I now realize I’m far from being alone, which is incredibly comforting. I’ve ended it with my EU guy and it’s been tough, but it definitely needed to happen. There was much more unhappiness than happiness in our relationship. The amazing physical chemistry and sex we have with these guys takes us as hostages and it becomes near impossible to let go. We get a big dose of dopamine and oxytocin with each physical encounter. The dopamine gets us “high”, and the oxytocin makes us bond. While i can’t change the biological response, I do have the power to say “no more” . I’m tired of hurting. Thank u so much for your wisdom!

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I’m so happy to help! 🙂 Thank you for your love, support, and for being a part of this tribe Jenn! XOXO

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I found your blog at exactly the right time. It’s been 9 days since my break up and two things have happened. #1 I read your articles all day long to remind me of my worth and #2 I found a new therapist who I think will really make some head way with my issues. You have such a beautiful light about you. Thank you so much for being a part of my journey and thank you for being a guiding light on the path home to myself.

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Hi Brie!

YAYYY 🙂 You go girl. I am so happy and honored to help. It takes one to know one – You are incredible. Thank you for your love, sisterhood, connection, support, for being a part of this tribe, and for just being YOU.

All my love to you soul sister. You are never alone. xx

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Thank you so much for this! It is absolutely wonderful. It makes me more determined to keep riding into my new future on my white horse than ever!

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YES YES YES! Thank YOU for your connection, love, support, and for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you. xo

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Thank you, I need to listen to you!

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I am so happy to help 🙂 Thank YOU for your love and support Mary. xo

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I’ve been with my partner for 11 years and married for the last 2. I’ve always known deep down what you’re saying is true but I just love him and can’t let go.

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You’re not alone. Make sure that you have someone to bounce everything off of and always – have your own back and listen to your gut ♥️

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