I received a ton of emails after the last article I wrote describing emotional unavailability and the
challenges impossibilities associated with being involved with a guy who’s incapable of a genuine emotional connection. All of the emails I received were from women and men, who were involved with, are involved with or are a sneeze away from attempting to recreate Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, trying to get over someone that they KNOW is emotionally unavailable.
But just because they’re dealing with someone that’s emotionally unavailable, that doesn’t mean that they don’t still love this person, want to be with them or that they can just up and leave. They can’t just quit them.
That got me thinking about what now adds up to a large group of emotionally unavailable exes my girlfriends and I have that were so.damn.hard to quit. People of the emotionally unavailable species are always seemingly impossible to quit because of their “unpredictability,” that we mistake for “chemistry,” “true love,” and “this-is-it-he’s-the-one,” PASSION.
These are the mysterious, ambiguous guys that will always keep you guessing and keep you “on your toes” (for reference, “on your toes,” is a polite way of saying “in a perpetual state of mixed signals, mind f*ing and the questioning-everything-kind-of-insecurity, insanity, WTF-is-wrong-with-me-I-must-be-going-crazy, miserable existence that you’d rather be in and try to “fix” than be out of and alone).
You’re more unhappy than you are happy, you can’t move on and you don’t know what to do. It’s awful because you’ve seen him be so amazing. At times, you’ve seen him be everything that you want. So, you’re convinced that there must be something wrong with you and that you need to work on yourself because why else would this Jekyll and Hyde sh*t be happening?
And before you know it, you’re in line at the book store, on your phone insta-stalking the chick that texted him yesterday (that you don’t even know), trying to figure out if her tits are fake all while holding a self-help book that you’re about to buy, thinking that YOU did something to turn your “prince” into a f*cktard (I would have said toad but that would be an insult to the toad population. Toads are always better than f*cktards).
So HOW do you move on from an emotionally unavailable guy that you just can’t quit?
First, you need to understand that mourning the loss of ANYONE that doesn’t recognize your worth and that is incapable of connecting emotionally and treating you with honesty, love and respect, is like crying because you took a crap and now you have to say goodbye to it and flush it. That’s how ridiculous it is.
“He knows that he’ll never get better than me. He’s just going through a lot right now, Natasha.”
Do you know when a guy realizes that he actually can’t do better? When you realize that YOU can. When you translate through your actions that you are a person of action. It doesn’t matter how many “good talks” you have with him or how many power point presentations you put on or how “understanding” you are. Your actions are what people ultimately go by. He knows that he can get away with doing what he’s doing because there you are, always there for him.
You are all “preach” and no “practice.”
THE ONLY way that you can move on, process your feelings and get your sanity back is by being real about who he is, who he’s been and who he will NEVER be. This is a guy that no matter who he is with, he’ll never have genuine emotional intimacy. He is incapable of it and it’s not your job to pull emotional rabbits out of the magical hat.
You keep giving him chances and making excuses because you’re in a relationship that REFLECTS the nonexistent one you have with yourself . We attract people that mirror how we feel about ourselves. If you felt better about and were honest with yourself, there’s no way that you’d put up with this, no matter how much time you’ve invested.
This guy knows the difference between right and wrong and not only does he not care to change, but he makes you feel like there is something wrong with you that’s “causing” his behavior.
Emotionally unavailable men are all about themselves. You’re having trouble letting go because you want to be ‘the one,’ you feel undeniable passion for him and you want to win. Win! Win! Win!! You know you can’t fully “have” all of him and there lies the “chemistry.” Emotionally unavailable guys are so luring because even when you “have” them, it never really feels like you do. That gets all of your validation-seeking and insecurity antennas amped up because you’re addicted to this perpetual cycle of tying your worth to trying to turn the reluctant, “project,” into an emotionally reformed, responsible guy that’s capable of an authentic connection.
Walk away, comment on here, talk to a trusted friend, write your feelings out and cut.him.off.
Instead of obsessing over him, start thinking about why you are still emotionally invested in a guy that has not only consistently shown you who he is, but that cannot ultimately give you any emotional connection or investment.
Take a break from the stalking, the dating, the social media and focus on yourself. The key to slaying your pain, obsession and addiction lies in ceasing to argue with reality and working on having a healthy relationship with yourself first.
I am not asking you to start a smear campaign and buy a voodoo doll. What I am asking you to do is remember how he’s acted towards you, how he’s consistently made you feel and what that all means for the possibility of a real relationship and lasting connection (which is what you claim to want). Take yourself to Starbucks, sit down and make a list; write it all out, you WILL eventually see what you need to. This is why they say knowledge is power and this is what real closure is about.
You have this one life that will pass by quicker than you could ever imagine. Don’t spend it chasing, falsely empathizing (excusing), and trying to understand someone to the point that you feel bad about you. It’s like sticking your head in the toilet and then complaining about the smell. Gross.
+ another helpful post: How To Stop Missing Someone