Jealousy isn’t something that I need to go into any kind of depth describing. It’s an old and familiar club that we are lifetime, VIP members of whether we like it or not. It’s something that we have all felt, are feeling, and will continue to feel. This post is not going to give you a magic formula on how to overcome jealousy in the sense of never feeling it again. Not only would that be unfair, it would be unrealistic and delusional for me to attempt. Especially because jealousy is something that I not only still feel to this day, but it’s something I know that I will continue to feel. And that’s okay.
It frustrates me when I read or get suggestions like, “Just don’t give it any energy,” “You need to invest in yourself,” or “You can get rid of it by making peace with your past.” Jealousy is not something that you can just turn off, uproot and “get rid of.”
There is no emotional antibiotic that will ever eradicate the virus that jealousy is.
Jealousy is tricky.
It’s this “uninvited-guest-turned-sudden-maniacal-invader-holding-you-hostage-at-gunpoint,” emotion. It renders you hopeless, helpless, defenseless and undefended as you tread water in the sea of your deepest insecurities and fears.
Because of that, this post cannot delineate a do-it-yourself exorcism of an emotion that none of us can ever completely avoid or turn off.
This post is about how to act on “NO,” instead of hypnotically repeating it on a loop that gets you nowhere. Figuring out how to overcome jealousy is about Jedi mastering the art of limiting the bullsh*t associated with it.
Jealousy is a guest that no matter what, will always be at the party. You stand in your power the moment you realize that you don’t need to associate with each and every guest. Disassociation is key.
It’s about disallowing and walking away from the “power-over-you” destruction associated with the one emotion that will chokehold you until you’ve been drained of any kind of belief that you can ever do better, be better or have any value at all.
Learning how to overcome jealousy is about overcoming the power it has over you.
Here’s how to overcome jealousy in your relationships & life:
For a really long time, whether it was on social media, in magazines, friendships or in my romantic relationships, I’d always feel very jealous, possessive and be fighting for some kind of control I never felt like I had. I had no idea how to overcome jealousy. The denominator of my jealousy was feeling threatened, inadequate and less than. I was so unimpressed with myself that anything anyone else ever said, did, looked like, wore, bought, drove, etc., overly impressed me. So for years, I tried to become someone who was impressive, attention-commanding and intellectually curb-setting through superficial, tactical and label-ridden means. I failed.
Not only did I fail, I totally humiliated myself in the process. I relied on white lies (that turned into big little lies on lies), and always felt even more useless and pathetic than before…
Until I found another person to try to emulate a certain aspect of, secretly compete with or “outdo” in some type of way.
The only thing that stopped this destructive cycle was execution. I used the feelings that I was feeling to execute instead of continuing to emotionally cut. I aimed to DO things that were impressive instead of trying to Instagram-filter my way into impressing people who were really just following the follower themselves.
Dynamic characters always ACT. This is why they are so attractive, alluring and attention-commanding EVEN IF they fail. Taking action is the fastest way to command respect – respect from others and respect for yourself.
Dynamic characters are too busy executing and acting to get caught up in the minutia. This is why Liam Neeson was so fun to watch in the movie, Taken. He minimized his words, maximized his action and no matter how much he failed, you couldn’t help but watch him.
EVEN IF I epically failed, or took action on things that in the moment hurt/were scary to execute, like: ending a friendsh*t, quitting my awful job, Uber driving (I talk about that here), making the conscious decision to share less, starting this blog, deciding to cut contact with a f*cktard and ending up totally alone… The fact that I tried; that I took action started to really impress me (and slowly, others. In the moment, I was too tunnel visioned to notice). It busied me up from focusing on the stuff that used to paralyze me into a comparative, competitive and destructive state. I could feel the momentum building.
And it did build.
It built all the way into being in business for myself, creating a life I never thought was in the cards for me and cutting off a lot of anchors that I once wore as badges of honor and retained as a license to operate as a victim.
So why did/DO I STILL.feel.jealous. ??
Because I’m fallible, I’m human and guess what? Jealousy is normal, its inevitable, and it’s unavoidable.
In romantic relationships and friendships, I’m not the jealous type at all anymore. I could care less about engaging in jealousy. I’m too busy enjoying my time with the other person than to ruin it with jealousy. Not because I’m perfect, but because I’m not interested in competing, “winning,” or being placed in a triangle in which I derive my value from being chosen. I also no longer have close relationships with people whose lifestyles, personalities, habits, and values cater to my fears and triggers. Nor do I get close to people who misrepresent themselves.
This is not because I’m on some psychological high horse, but because I can’t respect misrepresentation. And without respect, you can’t have real ANYthing – communication, relationship, friendship, connection, meaning, etc.
Without respect, there is no trust and without trust, you have a relational foundation of Jello.
I implicitly trust and respect the small circle of people who are closest to me. This disables relational jealousy and the fear of being replaced, cheated on and abandoned. I know where I stand with these few people and they know where they stand with me.
Still though, I’ll find myself getting jealous of certain aspects – whether it be looks, notoriety, accomplishments, possessions, opportunities, accolades, etc., of others. To this day.
And then I feel really ashamed, awful and guilty for feeling jealous.
Figuring out how to overcome jealousy in this regard has been difficult for me. I HAVE found a way though, to be more of an observer of my jealousy and no longer a prisoner to it.
Side note – I really love and respect James Altucher. His work not only makes me feel less weird, but it makes too much sense to write off and not implement. He discusses his own jealousy and the cure for envy here.
Here’s what I’ve learned about how to overcome jealousy and what I always keep in mind:
- Jealousy is a meal made up of 2 ingredients: Fear and Inadequacy. The moment you decide to take action is the moment there’s no longer food to feed your fears.
- It’s never about what you are convinced the other person has that you don’t. It’s about who you believe you are and what you believe you deserve. Until you change your belief system, you will allow your fears to turn you into an FBI agent and self sabotage every relationship, friendship and opportunity in your life.
- Take it as the gift that it is. Identifying when/where you are jealous is like getting a Complete Blood Count of your emotional body. And knowledge is power. When you know, you can ACT.
- Gossiping (and orchestrating drama) is a symptom of jealousy. Never engage in it unless you’re okay with being gossiped about.
- Okay, so there’s no way to totally eradicate jealousy. But like I said, you CAN disassociate. The best way to do that? Gratitude. It’s shameful to admit, but gratitude has not always been this easy, kumbaya concept for me. It took my Mom being diagnosed with cancer along with a lot of pain and loss to truly feel what I have to be grateful for. It’s something that I work on every day – no different than moving my body, doing yoga and eating well. Right now, I’m really grateful for every moment with my Mom. I’m grateful for my health. I’m grateful for each and every one of you and I’m grateful that I get to do what I love – help people out of pain and suffering that I know all too well (which makes me grateful for the pain. Amor Fati).
Jealousy is something that we ALL deal with so why not process, discuss and slay it together?
+ if you need further or more personalized help, please look into working with me here.
Before I announce the Holiday Giveaway Winners…
I want to thank each and every one of you for your love and comments that brought me to tears. You could have SO EASILY written a few words describing your favorite thing about PMS and not one of you did. The love expressed and the time that was taken… I’m tearing up again just thinking about the love and this tribe of badassness.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m going to be doing many more giveaways as a thank you to you all for your love, connection, sisterhood and support. I can’t wait to meet you in person when I start speaking engagements and workshops around the world.
Here are the winners! Chosen from random fishbowl draw.
1st place: @missconnolly
2nd place: @spozhmaiw
3rd place: @sunshinecupcake77
CONGRATS LADIES! Fill out this form asap (be sure to include your mailing address and if you’d like me to call you for a few mins to congratulate you, your phone number 🙂 )