Whether you broke up with him or he dumped you and now you’re devastated and can’t get off of the SMIS (Social Media Intensive Stalking) crack, the time period right after a breakup is the worst.

Besides the unrelenting pain after a breakup, you’re also dealing with this blurry, blank space in front of you which not too long ago was the future, your future, a HAPPY future with him. Your happily ever after is gone, he’s already being tagged in all of *her* photos, he unfollowed you on social media and whether you want him back or not – at this point, you just want to stop feeling so sh*tty. Your heart literally hurts. You wake up from an awful nights sleep and feel like you’re choking. You can’t shake the pit in your stomach and the anxiety. It sucks.

ARE there ways to minimize your pain after a breakup? Absolutely. The thing is, when I look back, I realize that I was actually more comfortable in being in the pain, agony, delusion and obsession than I was in making any kind of commitment to or steps toward putting one foot in front of the other and feeling better even though it felt like I was trying my absolute hardest.

I was in such a state of denial that deep down, I believed that if I felt “happy,” that would mean that the relationship was really over.

In all honesty, the one last, little connection that I had to my ex was the pain, the stalking, the analyzing, the detective playing while doubting/blaming myself and the rehashing of everything to anyone that was willing to listen. I did all of that in the relationship (due to his emotional unavailability and my lack of boundaries, I never truly felt at ease), and now that the relationship was over, I was taking all of the insanity to the maximum degree.

I wasn’t talking to my ex but I missed him and sue me if I wanted to see what (and who) he was doing and my only way of doing so was to go on the tagged photos of the second cousin of the best friend of his new girlfriend’s Instagram. So what if I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing that I opened his snapchat story, so I took a screenshot and zoomed in on that little preview image to see if any of the pixels added up to a female body or face. SO WHAT?

No matter how poorly I was treated, I still needed to know that I meant something to my ex and if he wasn’t going to give me the validation that he was in pain that he realized how much he hurt me and that he missed me too, I was going to go on an “FBI-style-happy-to-throw-any-remaining-dignity-out-the-motherf*cking-window” search to find it.

Guess what? I never found it. Shocker, I know.

I was the one that was being unreasonable because I was expecting this guy to suddenly have the capacity and ability to empathize, value and miss me after of our relationship in spite of the fact that he was consistently incapable of valuing, empathizing, loving and respecting me while in the relationship.

Yeah, there were fleeting moments where he was great, but overall, he was someone that was consistent at being hurtful and instead of getting behind myself and realizing that I deserved better, I made it my life’s mission to try to get the cat to bark. I’ve said this before – Cats meow. Why was I putting my life on hold and crying over the fact that I couldn’t make a cat meow? Why was I so surprised? Why was I so offended and hurt that the cat meowed after all of my efforts to try to be the one girl who could encourage it to bark? And most importantly, why was I tying my worth to a cat meowing? Why was I taking a cat meowing as a personal insult? WHY WAS I TRYING TO BE THE CAT WHISPERER; THE CESAR MILAN OF CATS? The cat wasn’t misbehaving, it was doing what it does, Cats meow. 

Instead of addressing those questions (which would have required turning inward and facing my lack of self esteem head on), I focused on my ex. I took everything personally, I cried, I stalked and I never conquered my old relationship or myself. 

So now I had no one to text, no one to impress, no one to validate me and no one to love me (not even me).

It took a few days, weeks months for me to finally realize that it was over and to stop trying to be some sort of f*cked up exorcist and resurrect my relationship (that rarely made me feel wanted, cared for, valued, loved, appreciated and respected) from the dead. I was so determined to avoid at least trying to feel better, it got to a point where life had to step in and remind me. My health declined, I started getting severe TMJ, I couldn’t keep up with work commitments, school, etc. because I couldn’t keep up with my thoughts and with the pain that I was happily giving myself hourly enemas of.

So, is there a way to minimize the pain after a breakup and if so, how do you do it? 

From the moment after a breakup to the hours, days, weeks and months following – you do have control over how much pain you experience.

Remember – you are the writer of your own internal dialogue. Stop letting other people take your pen away to write your story and crying over the sh*tty chapter that they wrote. It’s your story. Hold on to your own damn pen.

I used to think that minimizing the pain after a breakup meant that I had to try to “make sense” out of the breakup by obsessing over what my ex was doing and subsequently avoiding my own feelings, needs and problems. I also thought that minimizing the pain after a breakup meant still trying to be friends with my ex, hookup, answering his drunk texts, be there for him, etc.

None of that will ever work because it’s essentially putting a bandage on cancer.

Here’s how to minimize the pain after a breakup for real:

  • Keep your head, your thoughts, your opinions and feelings based in reality. Strip the excuses away from what happened and what was said. Own your own actions and understand that what your ex did was a reflection of his reality and his own personal feelings of insufficiency, not yours.
  • Understand that the only way that the relationship would ever work between you two is if it is on his terms and if you accepted his behavior, emotional unavailability and perpetual inconsistency.
  • Even if it hurts to do so (it totally does but you can do it), subscribe to the truth and validate yourself by recognizing and acknowledging the reasons why the relationship is over and use that knowingness to inspire you to want to move beyond the heartbreak. To get past addiction, you first have to want to be clean.
  • Stop unconsciously thriving off of chaos, pain & drama. The more that you let your life, your thoughts, your actions (and their consequences) spiral out of control. the more you’ll have to deal with, the more you’ll feel like sh*t (about yourself and just in general), and the more you’ll just straight-up AVOID dealing with your pain in a healthy and proactive way.
  • Take back your ex’s all-access, VIP, any time, any where pass. The less access that you give you give your ex, the less pain you will incur. Yeah, it might feel good for a hot minute to keep him as a friend on social media just so he can see how hot you look, text him back, call him, sleep with him, get drunk and knock on his door, talk to his best friends about how “happy” you are or how much pain you’re in, etc., but IT WILL ALL only lead to more heartbreak, pain, embarrassment and that little teensy feeling of happiness that you got from it just isn’t worth the aftermath.
  • Remind yourself that no one is THAT rare and THAT “otherworldly” that loving them means feeling badly about, disrespecting, second guessing and humiliating yourself. 
  • Deal with old pain that has compounded so that the new pain doesn’t seem so unbearable and all-consuming.
  • As much as you want to lie in a puddle of your own sh*t and never shave your legs again, you need to get off the couch, off Netflix, off your phone and start to nurture, care for and support the ONLY person whose validation and love you’ll never be able to live without: YOU.
  • The happier you are with yourself and with other areas of your life, the less pain you will feel after a breakup. Strive to forgive yourself and others, set healthy boundaries and make a commitment to loving yourself and doing things that make you happy. I’ve created some of my best work in pain. Use your pain to further your own personal success.

While you can’t control what and who your ex is doing and how he’s feeling, you CAN control your thoughts, your actions and how much more pain your feel on top of the pain after a breakup.

You do have the power to care for your hand that was severely burned instead of putting that hand back in the fire and crying because your hand is now irreparably scarred and even more burned. 

That emotional jail cell you’ve been locked in is not iron-clad. It’s composed of nothing more than fear and the keys have been in your back pocket all along. xo

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13 comments

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This is all so true and everyone needs to read your work. It’s even true with friendships. Loved this post. Can’t wait for what you’ve got for the readers 😉

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“Can’t make a cat bark.” Awesome! You are so on point Natasha! Followed you on instagram and who wouldn’t want to win all of those treats? Every lady deserves treats every so often! It all looks so great!

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Thank you so much for being so transparent and willing to share your life and emotions with us. I sooo needed your blog last year and am glad I eventually found it. I have been binge reading your posts. It is amazing to know I am not the only one that has felt, done and thought just about everything you have described post break up/heartbreak. My similar story is about a guy who chased me, who I thought I made do all the work up front to prove that he was serious about getting into a relationship with me, promptly dumped me after I was convinced. To make it worse, he married and was pregnant (I knew because of my
FBI style cyber social media stalking) with the next chick within 3 months of breaking
up with me. Literally he broke up with me and was engaged to her (announcing it on FB) in less than 3 months and married her by the fourth month after he broke up with me. They were posting pics on FB and announcing to the world how happy he was and that love never felt so good. Less than 9 months after that they became parents. I can’t seem to let go of the fact that he married her so quickly after he and I, just weeks before he left me for her, talked about having babies together. I know he’s not the one for me and I don’t want him back. I do crave an explanation regarding why he chose her. I do wonder if he thinks about me and did I matter to him. When we were together I felt so loved and affirmed, now I wonder if it was all an illusion. I guess it doesn’t matter at this point. It’s been over a year, I am so much better than I was last year but apparently still have a ways to go. It is comforting to know I am not crazy, nor am I the only one that has felt what you described.Thanks again for sharing and creating this community.
Still healing

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I’ll have a post up by soon on this subject too 🙂 xo

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I can’t wait for that post!

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You are so spot on as usual Natasha

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You are the best! Sending you hugs right back. To answer your questions: we met 5 years ago at a mutual friend’s party. We went on a super long first date, had a lot of chemistry (no sex) but were both in “situations” and went our separate ways. Four years later he reached out to me, we reconnected and dated for just over 7 months, not that long. It was intense likely because it was combined with “reconnecting” and “finally making it happen”. How it ended: he didn’t respond to a simple text about meeting for dinner and I let it sit for a long miserable week. Before then we communicated everyday, multiple times a day, and saw each other regularly. I reached out after the week of silence, and told him I deserved to know what happened. We met, we spoke, he told me he reconnected with someone he went to college with and “it just happened” and he thought he had it met his wife. He claims they hadn’t dated or had sex previously. He was great while we were together. We spent A LOT of time together, I can’t see how he had time for both of us, but who knows. That was our last convo, he has never reached out.

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Wow. Thanks for providing the context. This guy is exactly as I said- completely emotionally unavailable and void of any empathy, responsibility and integrity.

The fact that he could just not talk to you for a week or answer you is a HUGE red flag that this guy is problematic and that you need to run in the other direction. People treat their dogs better than that. I’m sure his baby mama/wife would not feel so great if she knew how serious the 2 of you were days before their involvement. He can’t help but devalue and disrespect.

Stable, decent, emotionally available guys are simply not capable of doing what this guy did to you. And I know it’s easy to let your thoughts go down the rabbit hole, but do not for one minute think that he’s a better guy in a better relationship. He’s not. And you did nothing to elicit this. It’s not about you- it’s about HIM and his OWN bs.

He didn’t just change and don’t tie your value to his inactions and actions- he put on a great act and showed you his true colors. The colors are ugly. He did you a favor. Take care of you, keep reading the blog and don’t look back. I’ll do a post on this topic soon 🙂 xo

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I want to know how to get over a guy who truly was the perfect boyfriend. I dated a guy for a year and he treated me like a princess. I have a really hard past with relationships that have caused deep trust and self esteem issues and this guy allowed me to open up to him and he accepted all of my flaws and my past with no judgement, and only loved me for it even more. I thought this guy was the one. Then, he moved six hours away for a job and everything fell apart. I started not to be able to handle the long distance and he could see I was unhappy. So, he broke up with me. He told me he did it because he couldn’t bare to see me sad anymore. But, after he did so, I realized that not being with him was far worse than the long distance and now, he won’t talk to me or change his mind. I want him back so badly and know it isn’t going to happen. So, my question is how do I get over the perfect guy? My heart is broken and I feel like I’m right back to where I was after all of my other horrible breakups. I would love advice, because i can’t figure out how to get through this alone.

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Natasha thank you so much for responding! He says that he has to stop talking to me so we can both start moving on, I told him I needed actual closure so we talked on the phone for a while (mind you he ended things on the phone when I was going to see him a week later) so we talked and after all that he said he can’t keep talking to me because it “hurts too bad and we both need to start moving on”

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I recently broke up with my guy and its not easy,night time i find myself losing it but i learned to find comfort and now i think of how i happy i will be eventually and that time heals all wounds no matter how deep they are. He wasn’t the worst but he didn’t meet me half way and i felt i was the only one in the relationship and i felt i loved more than i was supposed to,but all in all i deserve better and it will be long before i do but optimism helps me and good distraction.

thanks Natasha this gave me comfort xx

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XOXO

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Recently a guy I have been dating for 3 years broke up with me . He was perfect. I saw him as something more than an average person. I had a crush on him since I was a sophmore in Highschool. It was only Til the end of senior year that we started dating . Of course . But when we were together it was amazing. He was amazing . So kind , loving , he was like a therapist to me. I do have a lot of family problems and he was always there for me. Just recently he broke up wth me after three years because I love him more than he loves me . It broke me . A week before I head back to college I get this. My mom said not to reach out but it was hard so of course I asked him why? Asked if he missed me. Asked if he saw maybe a second try in the future ? He told me he missed me so much and was crying . But he said he couldn’t see a future together. I’m broken. We haven’t talked since but I feel torn. I understand now but I don’t think I’ll ever get over home.

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