It may have been a total relationsh*t and yeah, he was empathetically bankrupt and emotionally unavailable, but who doesn’t have issues? You were the happiest that you had ever been. He made you feel like no one ever had and you know that you’ll never find it again. You literally had everything – you had your person, your soulmate… and now? You’re left picking up the pieces of what was; endlessly stalking while swimming in the toilet of denial, “what if’s,” and searching for any kind of emotional painkiller as you try to figure out how to let him go.
There is something so magical about surrendering. The power of surrender creates immediate transformation for the better. It’s that place in which your emotional shoulders finally descend from your ears. You stop trying to grip the Jello of your fears because surrender always releases the grip in the solidity it provides.
You no longer care to be heard, be “right,” be chosen or “win;” you don’t care as much about being understood because you now have a much deeper understanding of yourself.
When you choose to surrender, you no longer cockblock acceptance & forgiveness because arguing with reality isn’t enticing anymore. Instead of focusing on what life has taken away, you completely surrender to what is.
Yoga not only helped heal my broken heart and my broken body, but it allowed me to surrender – to life, to what was, to what is, and to what will be. Above all, yoga taught me to recognize and surrender to the force within myself and that has been the single most powerful and transformative lesson of my life so far.
But what do you do when you’re completely stuck and no matter what, can’t surrender to the fact that your soulmate is gone?
How do you just accept the one thing that your heart can’t?
Here’s how to let him go, move toward acceptance, extinguish further humiliation and get on the road to indifference (all while remaining on your white horse) in 5 simple & straightforward steps:
Ready to gain some understanding and perspective? Of course you are. Remember: when you’re TRULY ready, that’s when the doors open, the articles appear and the books fly off the shelf. If you weren’t ready, you wouldn’t be reading this right now.
How To Let Him Go:
Understand that relationsh*ts always have the best moments.
Relationsh*ts can have what seems to be even better moments than healthy and mutual relationships. HOW? When you’re in a relationship with a partner who lacks emotional connectivity, empathy and the ability to be respectful, honest, decent, loving and loyal, you’re always in ESM (emotional starvation mode). ESM (I just made this up), can be defined as: A relationship in which the foundation is comprised of mind f*ckery, hot & cold, competition in the form of triangulation and mixed signals. You become so busy making everything all about your partner and trying to be “good enough,” that when he’s having a good behavior moment, that moment is infinity times more impactful, memorable, ovulation-inducing and irreplaceably intense than anything else because you’ve been on a diet of crumbs, deceit and bullsh*t. I have to admit, I have some really amazing memories from some seriously sh*tty relationsh*ts. The worst relationships have the best moments. But as great as these moments are, guess what? They’re just that… MOMENTS. You deserve a lifetime of consistency and true love, not just some few, far between & sparse MOMENTS with someone that makes Peter Pan look like Confucius.
Learning how to let him go: Hunger vs. Value.
Remember this for the rest of your life. It will save you time and tears with lovers, friends and even in business: It’s not that this person is that special/valuable, it’s that you’re THAT hungry. If you starved yourself for 5 days and then someone put a half chewed Twinkie in front of you, you’d be all over it. And no matter how many people told you it was just a half eaten Twinkie, you’d say “Yeah, but you guysssss. You don’t understand! You have no IDEA how good it made me feel. It was the best! I don’t even think that was a Twinkie because I’ve never experienced anything like that. I have to
spendwaste some precious time figuring out what that was. I mean, Twinkies do not taste THAT good! That was a special one. I’ve found a diamond in the rough!” The truth really is such a beautiful weapon in the war against delusion. When we’re really hungry, we’ll eat anything and subsequently overvalue the sh*t out of it. And because we’ve got our own trauma and un-dealt with baggage, we use the fact that the Twinkie satisfied us as a barometer of its value INSTEAD of using it as an indicator of how dangerously starving we were/are. No one can survive on a Twinkie diet. Too many Twinkies and your health will begin to plummet. Remember… you’re the only one that sees filet mignon, we all see something that is supposedly edible with a shelf live superseding that of human life expectancy. If you truly want to know how to let him go, access your hunger first. It will de-pedestal your ex and allow you to operate from a place of reality instead of delusion, insecurity and “please tell me I matter.”
Get out of yourself.
As much as I genuinely love & appreciate all of the heartfelt compliments I get from the most amazing readers all around the world, I’m not a healer, I’m not a guru, I’m not a messiah, I definitely don’t have all the answers & I’m far from perfect. In fact, you have all healed me more than I could ever begin to help or heal any of you. How? Depression, hopelessness and even having suicidal thoughts (all of which I’ve felt before), are nothing more than having an obsession with yourself. You’re unable to get out of your own head and if you remain consistently trapped in the prison cell of your assumptions, fears and low self esteem… hopelessness and depression will take permanent residency. You have all allowed me to heal because you’ve given me the opportunity to get out of my own head and realize that there’s a whole universe of sisterhood out there that believes in, supports and has my back. You don’t have to be completely healed to help others, but by helping others (and getting outside of your “I’ll-never-be-good-enough” self), you will heal completely. Yes, if you’re fresh off of a breakup and trying to figure out how to let him go, you may think that you’re getting out of your head because you’re not obsessing about yourself, you’re obsessing about your ex… WRONG. You’re obsessing about your ex and trying to figure out how to let him go, through the reverse narcissistic filter of your “must-find-out-what’s-wrong-with-me?” mentality. DO something. Get outside of yourself. Design who YOU want to be. Make sh*t HAPPEN. For me, it was deciding to start a blog that whenever I explained the concept to anyone, they looked at me like I was an Alien. But I DID IT and if I can, SO.CAN.YOU. You CAN get out of your obsessive thoughts.
Know how to let him go WHILE being “the one that got away.”
Understand that your 2 biggest allies are non-reactivity and making the decision to not provide an opposing force when it comes to your ex and any mutual friends you may have. If you want truly want to let your ex go and reach indifference all while being the girl that every ex girlfriend wants to be (the one that got away), commit to non reactivity. It will build rock solid self respect. React all you want on this blog – It makes my heart so happy to see readers all over the world meeting up, making friends and supporting one other. React here, not out there. Remember: the oxygen of the emotionally unavailable is reactivity. Choose to mind your own business and opt out of the bullsh*t.
How to let him go? Surrender.
Surrender means letting go. Letting go of the unanswered questions (that you’ll never get the real answers to) and letting go of the happiness that YOU created through your projections. It’s realizing that relationsh*ts have the best MOMENTS & deciding to let go of just that… MOMENTS. It’s the knowingness that you deserve more than mere flashes of light in an eternal darkness – you deserve the omnipresent bright light that true love will always be defined as. Love is light. Surrender means feeling your feelings and mourning the death of the person that you thought existed. True surrender is making the decision to give it up to a higher power, hug yourself a bit tighter and put one foot in front of the other with the 20/20 vision that hindsight always is. Letting go of a toxic relationsh*t is the best thing that you can for yourself. If you think about it, you’ll realize that the relationship you thought you had was over way before you broke up, let alone figured out how to let him go and surrender to what is.
The universe has taught me time and time again that it will only deliver what I need, exactly when I need it.
Know that the universe, this tribe of badassness and YOU have your back. If you don’t, you will translate that emotional warfare is what you want and so, emotional warfare will be what you keep attracting and manifesting.
The moment you decide to surrender to your existence, to your life and just let go, is the moment you become free to be who you TRULY are, independent of the supporting characters in YOUR life story.
+ another helpful post: No Contact Rule: How To Make It 1000 Times Easier & More Effective