It may have been a toxic relationship and yeah, he was empathetically bankrupt and emotionally unavailable, but who doesn’t have issues? You were the happiest you had ever been. He made you feel like no one ever had and you know that you’ll never find it again. You literally had everything – you had your person, your soulmate… and now? You’re left picking up the pieces of what was, as you try to figure out how to let him go.
There is something so freeing about getting to a place of such emotional exhaustion, you surrender.
You no longer care to be heard, right, chosen or to “win.” You don’t care about being understood by your ex because you now have a much deeper understanding of yourself.
When you choose to surrender, you no longer cockblock acceptance and forgiveness. Arguing with reality isn’t enticing anymore. Instead of focusing on what life has taken away, you completely surrender to what is.
But what do you do when you’re completely stuck and no matter what, can’t surrender to the fact that your soulmate is gone?
How do you accept the one thing that your heart can’t?
You know that you have to move on but you don’t know how to let him go.
How To Let Him Go…
Understand that toxic relationships always have the best moments.
Toxic relationships have what feels like, even better moments than healthy and mutual relationships. But that’s all they are – MOMENTS in a sea of ambiguity and mixed signals. The reason why the moments are so good is because of the disconnection they are surrounded by. Which leads us to…
Learning how to let him go: Hunger vs. Value.
Remember this for the rest of your life. It will save you time and tears with lovers, friends and even in business: It’s not that this person/relationship is that special/irreplaceable. It’s that you’re THAT hungry. If you starved yourself for five days and then someone put a piece of moldy bread in front of you, you’d be all over it. And no matter how many people told you it was moldy bread, you’d say, “Yeah, but you don’t understand! You have no IDEA how good it made me feel. It was the best! There’s no way that was moldy bread. I’ve never experienced anything like this. It made me feel so good. I have to figure out what that was. I mean, moldy bread does not taste THAT good. That must have been a special piece”
When are starving, we will eat anything and subsequently, overvalue the sh*t out of it.
And because we’ve got our own trauma and un-dealt with baggage, we use the fact that the moldy bread satisfied us as a barometer of its value instead of using it as an indicator of how dangerously starving we are. No one can survive on a moldy bread diet. Remember… you’re the only one who sees caviar. We all see something that’s inedible. If you truly want to know how to let him go, access your hunger first. It will de-pedestal your ex and allow you to operate from a place of reality instead of delusion, insecurity and “please tell me I matter.”
Get out of yourself.
As much as I genuinely love and appreciate all of the heartfelt compliments I get from the most amazing readers all around the world, I’m not a healer, I’m not a guru, I’m not a messiah, I definitely don’t have all the answers and I am far from perfect. In fact, you have all healed me more than I could ever begin to help or heal any of you. How? Feeling depressed and hopeless is rooted in self-obsession. You are unable to get out of your own head and if you remain consistently trapped in the prison cell of your assumptions, fears, and low self-esteem… hopelessness and depression will take permanent residency.
You have all allowed me to heal because you’ve given me the opportunity to get out of my own head and realize that there’s a whole tribe here who believes in, supports and has my back. You don’t have to be completely healed to help others, but by helping others (and getting outside of your “I’ll-never-be-good-enough” self), you will heal by giving your pain a purpose. Yes, if you’re fresh off of a breakup and trying to figure out how to let him go, you may think that you’re getting out of your head because you’re not obsessing about yourself, you’re obsessing about your ex… WRONG. You’re obsessing about your ex and trying to figure out how to let him go, through the filter of your “must-find-out-what’s-wrong-with-me?” mentality. DO something. Get outside of yourself. Design who YOU want to be. Make sh*t HAPPEN. For me, it was deciding to start a blog that whenever I explained the concept to anyone, they looked at me like I was an alien. But I DID IT and if I can, SO.CAN.YOU. You CAN get out of your obsessive thoughts.
Know how to let him go WHILE being “the one that got away.”
Understand that your two biggest allies are non-reactivity and making the decision to not provide an opposing force when it comes to your ex and any mutual friends you may have. If you want truly want to let your ex go and reach indifference, all while being the girl that every ex girlfriend wants to be (the one that got away), commit to non-reactivity. It will build unshakeable self-respect. React here in the comments, not out there. Remember: reactivity is the oxygen of emotionally unavailable people. Choose to mind your own business and opt out of the bullsh*t.
How to let him go? Surrender.
Surrender means letting go. Letting go of the unanswered questions (that you’ll never get the real answers to) and letting go of the happiness that YOU created through your projections.
It’s realizing that toxic relationships have the best MOMENTS and deciding to let go of just that… MOMENTS. It’s the knowingness that you deserve more than mere flashes of light in eternal darkness – you deserve the omnipresent, bright light that true love will always be defined as.
The moment you decide to surrender is the moment that your life is once again, yours.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your breakup, please look into working with me here.