You will never run from anything in your life faster than you’ll run from trying to figure out how to let go of someone you love and miss everyday. It goes against your DNA and the very fiber of your being. How can you just let go of your home, your engine, your wheels, your legs… your emotional air supply – HOW? 

Although it’s not easy, we can deal with finding out that we have to get surgery to repair something that’s physically broken, but if we’re told that we need to get a limb amputated immediately… that’s obviously a whole different story.

We aren’t wired to emotionally digest having to amputate that which is not only essential to fully functioning on the everyday basis that we’re used to, but that which is a part of our body – be it emotional or physical.

So what do you do when life suddenly gives you a diagnoses of emotional amputation?

Where’s the manual for how to carry on as an emotional amputee?

HOW do you live with a missing emotional limb? A limb that was essential to getting you back to a home that you’re now locked out of.

And just.like.that, you inhabit a colorless existence – alone, homeless, scared, cold and placed on a never ending treadmill at a speed that your heart hasn’t built up the strength or endurance yet to sprint.

For me, writing this blog is the most vulnerable I can be. I find that the more I share, the more connection, meaning and healing is manifested. And where there is meaning and connection… judgement, disconnection, re-traumatization and destructive patterns are no longer able to survive.

Remember: weeds don’t need anything to grow; they’ll grow through the f*cking concrete without a drop of water. The most rare, fragrant and beautiful flowers need consistent attention and nourishment.

The day that I stopped trying to believe that my weeds would one day, magically turn into orchids, was the day that I had the courage to uproot the weeds.

EVEN IF that meant facing my fear of having an empty garden for the time being.

So, with that intention… I’m going to share a little more of my story with you.

Here’s how to let go of someone you love & miss everyday…

Ever since I was a child, I longed to have “normalcy,” which now looking back, I can define as a sanctuary; “emotional legs” to walk with and a place to call “home.”

I didn’t have any siblings at the time and my parents divorced when I was 5 years old. The thing about my parent’s divorce is that no matter how divisive or amicable it was, in my subconscious mind, divorce constituted the loss of any hope for the stability of an intact and “normal” sanctuary/home.

I felt like I had no emotional legs to pave my own path with because in my mind, Mom and Dad being apart left me without the foundation that I needed beneath me to emotionally walk.

My parents both moved on with their lives, married, and no matter how amazing they were and how many truly incredible grandparents, godparents and family I had around that supported and loved me, I was emotionally paralyzed. I was homeless and never felt like I had a reliable and consistent sanctuary where my feelings were understood and my heart was at peace.

I was always with a different family member or parent and never wanted my time with them, which was fleeting, to be marred with anything other than my people pleasing, “everything’s alright!” persona (which would often times entail lying – to myself and others).

Because I was always around family that were much older than me and I didn’t have siblings at the time, I became a very old soul at a very young age. I observed and felt on a much different level and because of this, I was told by friends, family, teachers, school councelors and coaches that I was “too sensitive,” and that I needed to “toughen up.” After hearing this so many times, I began to believe that something was seriously wrong with me.

Because of this, I felt ashamed and guilty for wanting to express my feelings. And so, little by little, my light dimmed.

I shut down at the age of 8.

I felt invisible; as though I wasn’t worthy of love because I didn’t have an identity, a home, emotional “legs” to walk away and any kind of sanctuary to call my own (other than my Mother’s arms which were now occupied by my new baby sister).

I was okay with being invisible because I trusted the opinions of those who made me feel this way. So, I became a quiet observer that longed for a home, emotional legs and a sanctuary that I was convinced, would come “rescue” and “complete” me if I was “good enough.”

Before I knew it, the concrete of that belief system had dried, solidified and I was dating… on the SIDELINES of my own life.

I met someone who touched my soul, allowed me to realize that I had 2 emotional legs of my own all along, and was a sanctuary of safety, peace and ovulatory bliss…

until one day he was gone and just like that… we were strangers.

The breakup hit me so hard, I spent the next 18 months back in that completely cold and colorless existence. I was again without legs. The emotional paralysis hit me even harder than when I was a child because when I was a kid, I didn’t yet know the kind of nirvana that I had now been exposed to.

It’s one thing to not know what something is like and acquiesce to an existence based on the status quo, but when you get a taste of the kind of heaven that makes you wonder how you ever carried on before… letting go and going back to that “ignorance is bliss” place seems impossible. 

Every breakup following that one was EARTH SHATTERING and looking back, I don’t think that I ever truly healed.

And because I was too scared to feel what I knew I was going through, I’d just bounce into the next relationsh*t or friendsh*t. I never really got over my exes; everything was just triggers, slot replacers and fillers.

Years later, I realized what I was doing and finally put an end to that era.

Although I loved and missed them terribly, I was able to gracefully let go of toxic exes and friends.

And the grace in which I let go, ended up allowing me to be the one who was the hardest to forget. 

Here’s how to let go of someone you love & miss everyday:

The 5 realizations that changed my life…

  • HOW TO LET GO OF SOMEONE YOU LOVE & MISS EVERYDAY – REALIZATION #1: Identify where you are building.

    I realized that because I never had a home, emotional legs or a sanctuary of my own, it was more painful to survey the damage and desolation of my own empty land than it was to build a sanctuary WITHIN MY PARTNER (and thus gain the emotional legs that I believed were missing). I built the most magnificent sanctuaries in my partners and I based my value on the level to which they would allow me into the home that I BUILT. I based my value on how far I could walk BECAUSE of the legs that a product of MY CONSTRUCTION had given me. I shined MY light on others and then marveled at the warmth and illumination of THEIR bodies.

  • HOW TO LET GO OF SOMEONE YOU LOVE & MISS EVERYDAY – REALIZATION #2: THIS is why the breakups were so debilitating.

    The breakups were so debilitating because it was a breakup with my own masterpiece – the sanctuary that I had created within another person. I was left without an identity, a compass, a home and no legs to walk. This made me romanticize f*cktard people to an unhealthy level and drained me of my power. And because I was then catapulted back to that feeling of emotional homelessness that I had as a child, I regressed back to the fear, insecurity and emotional PARALYSIS of my 8 year old self. There was no room for evolution once the fog of stagnation settled in.

  • HOW TO LET GO OF SOMEONE YOU LOVE & MISS EVERYDAY – REALIZATION #3: Knowledge is power.

    When I realized that I was essentially constructing in other people the very thing that I was lacking, I was able to see how desperately I needed to build a sanctuary and a home WITHIN. I started to build my own home by digging deep into my pain. I felt every ounce of it. I wrote, I cried and the deeper I went, the stronger the sanctuary that I was simultaneously building became. Make sure that you allow yourself to feel your pain so that it can leave because IT WILL. Yoga also helped immensely with releasing pain. It centered me, allowed me to come back to myself and find my power within.

  • HOW TO LET GO OF SOMEONE YOU LOVE & MISS EVERYDAY – REALIZATION #4: It will still hurt.

    YES, loss and breakups will still hurt, but if you stop trying to construct in other people the emotional home that Mom and/or Dad (with the best of intentions), deprived you of, your life will T R A N S F O R M. You’ll still feel the pain of the breakup, but you’ll disable that emotional regression back to the paralysis of the age in which conditions were put around love that should have been given to you unconditionally. You’ll bounce back from situations that you could have never imaged before because by creating a home for that child, you allow her to grow up and no longer look for outside sources of identity, meaning, construction and completion. This doesn’t make the pain of letting go of someone you love and miss everyday go away completely, but it gets rid of the hopelessness. It puts space around the pain because you now know that you’re ALREADY home.

  • HOW TO LET GO OF SOMEONE YOU LOVE & MISS EVERYDAY – REALIZATION #5: It may all fall down again at some point. And that’s okay.

    I’ve spent the last few years building the most magnificent home and sanctuary within. I was taking care of all my emotional needs and although at times I got triggered and felt loss, shame, grief, insecurity and pain, I was really solid… until 8 months ago… and again recently. It was the perfect storm of so many things that happened all at once. My home came crashing down and there again, I was homeless. As I gravitated toward my old habit of building a sanctuary in someone else, I realized the most amazing thing – all these years that I had been building a sanctuary, a HOME within, I had attracted and maintained relationships that not only reminded me of the framework of my home that was STILL there (and the capability of the emotional legs I used to get myself up off the floor), but they also celebrated and ENCOURAGED the rebuilding within (instead of exploiting my vulnerability).

Trying to figure out how to let go of someone you love and miss everyday is hard, but when you focus on building a home within, you’ll always have the security of your OWN place to return to. And even if that place is temporarily empty and without furniture, at least it’s YOURS.

When there’s a home within and you go through a breakup, you’re no longer left on the street alone and cold, LOCKED OUT of a home that YOU BUILT.

You were BORN with the tools to build the most incredible sanctuary with the most able-bodied legs and you’ve PROVEN to be the best general contractor on the block (as long as it’s a f*cktard’s land that you’re building on).

Reclaim your tools, empower your skills and BUILD WITHIN. You’ll then know how to let go of someone you love and miss everyday.

If I can do it, so.can.you.

Happy International Yoga Day to all my fellow yogis! As a thank you for your love and support, I’m giving away my yoga teacher’s Grief Yoga dvd and one of my Heartbeat necklaces.

Entry is simple: Just comment on my most recent Instagram photo what you love most about this community/PMS 🙂

* the winner will be announced Monday the 26th on Instagram via DM & on the comments of my most recent photo. 

More about the dvd/grief yoga here & here.

The beginning of this post was inspired by what I learned from the amazing work of Najwa Zebian.

XO,

Natasha

if you need further or more personalized help, please look into working with me here

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41 comments

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Thanks Natasha . Love ya sister ❤

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Love you too sister! xo

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Another great article! I come back everyday to re-read or look for a new article. You are helping me through my breakup.
Xoxo

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Hi EA! I’m honored to help <3 You're not alone. Thank you for being a part of this tribe 🙂 All my love to you. xx

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I opened my email and saw that you had a new post up. It’s as if you read my mind. I had the heartbreaking news this weekend that my sociopath ex indeed lied (of course) after devaluing and discarding me because I was “unable to trust and let go of the past and he couldn’t be who I needed” to find out he had of course already had a new Narco supply lined up, which was devastating though not surprising news to me. (we’ve been broken up 8 weeks and he’s probably had her behind my back for several months)
If anything it made me realize he can never be trusted, who I need, who I want and really he won’t ever maintain anything healthy or sustainable because his emotions are not real, they are a means to be validated and get his wants and needs met, no one is of any real importance to him because he’s a sociopath, which is awful because he’s a cop too! However, these facts don’t help the immense pain I feel after he could just turn his (fake)emotions off like a light switch and move on immediately even while with me he must have been working towards my abandonment. This was a three year relationship that I allowed myself to be manipulated, controlled, cheated on and used up and I Feel like utter shit. I have meditated, I have cried, I have wrote, I’ve spoke to my friends endlessly. I am so crushed, I feel I’ve wasted three years of my life and I don’t know how to go forward, my thoughts are consumed by this new news of him and a woman, of his happiness and utter lack of emotion or care for me, the woman he told “we are soul mates. I’ve never loved anyone this way. I cannot imagine my life without you” of course, this is how a sociopath gets you to fall in love with them, they make you need a fix of validation, they make you lovesick and obsessed so that you are emotionally dependent on them. Your blog helps immensely because I too have severe abandonment issues from childhood and a pretty sad, lonely childhood too. Lots of self worth and self esteem issues. I will work hard to build my own sanctuary in me. Your wisdom works wonders. I just wish the pain and the thoughts weren’t so overwhelming, I want to feel better after 8 weeks not gutted like a fish 🙁

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Hi Cassondra! I’m glad that the post came at the right time and that it helped 🙂 You are not alone in this. You’ve got a whole tribe with you – loving, supporting, backing and believing in you every step of the way. It WILL get better and you WILL get through this. XO

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Hi! I really truly relate to you as this happened to me by a cop as well – I would love to talk to you and help you – it has been a year for me now and I am so much stronger than I was 🙂 Sarah

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Dearest Natasha
I am doing very well…..this post has been helpful as always. I hope you are doing well too.
Thanks and love
Meg

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So happy it helped! Thanks Meg 🙂 All my love to you too sister. XOXO

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I relate to this so much I really needed this thank you Natasha as always😭❤️

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I thought of you when I was writing it <3 You have been with me since the beginning and I think of you so often. Love you soul sis! I'm happy that the post served you 🙂 x

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Natasha this post is everything! The metaphors you use in all of your writing truly helps me to understand the feelings and issues that I and my girlfriends have been dealing with for so long. Thank you for putting into words so many experiences and emotions that I have never been able to fully express. Love love love.

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Starlie!! Hi! I’m so happy that the post helped 🙂 Thank YOU for allowing me to feel like I was never (and am never) alone. You’re incredible. Sending you love always. xx

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I’m infamous for giving all of myself to to a man and when they leave they take all of me with them, leaving an empty shell that has to be rebuilt from scratch. Am learning though to leave something for myself. And your advice only helps to build that. Thanks.

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I’m honored and so happy to help <3 Thanks Julie! 🙂 xo

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I am so glad I sought you out and took help. Talking to you was the best thing I did. Now when i read your posts I feel an immense closeness to you. A bond. In spite of the distance I know your there for me. And that makes me strong. What else can I ask for 😁
If you ever visit my Country pls get in touch

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Meg, I am forever grateful to any and everything that caused you pain because it ultimately led us to meet <3

We will forever have an unbreakable bond and sisterhood. I'm always here for and with you. Always.

I definitely will. Can't wait! Love you. xxxx

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Another post that gives me the chills and made me tear up. You are truly inspiring, thank you for reminding us to keep pushing forward.

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Omgosh I just realized that I remember wanting to get the grief yoga video and I cannot believe I’ve been dealing with this heartbreak for over a year now. I couldn’t have seen a ray of hope without you, thank you.

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You’re going to make me cry. I know how hard it is. You are loved, understood and never alone.

Go to the “contact” section of the blog and send me your address. I’m sending you one of the dvds, on me. XOXO

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Hi Bella! I’m so happy that the post served you <3 It takes one to know one - you are incredible. Love to you soul sis. XOX

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Natasha… this post is heartbreaking and so good and true all at the same time.

I come from a very broken home and hopped from relationship to relationship, friendship to friendship, building a sanctuary in others, until one day my husband left me and I was forced to make sense of it all once and for all. Alone. That was two years ago and they have been the most grounding, peaceful years during which I have discovered myself.

Most importantly, I don’t NEED others anymore. I am totally self-sufficient, and so I am actually 100% nicer to others and myself, because my expectations and demands have evaporated.

You are a special, beautiful woman and I love reading your entries. I wish you well, stranger-friend.

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Dana! My appreciation for you sharing your story is endless. I’m so glad that the post resonated with you 🙂 I am in awe of your strength, your light your resiliency, your beauty and your ability to evolve under insurmountable pressure and pain.

It takes one to know one my friend <3 you are a gem. Love you soul sis. Hope to give you the biggest hug in person one day. xoxo

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Thank you Natasha.
Thank you SO much.

A loyal reader from Casablanca, Morocco.

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Thank YOU <3 you are so incredibly loved, appreciated and never, EVER alone.

I hope to visit one day!! 🙂 Would love to meet and give you a big hug in person. XOXO

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Thanks Natasha I love everything about your blog. It has really helped me and I always come back for more! ❤️

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Thank YOU Courtney 🙂 Love you soul sister!

Thanks for the support, sisterhood and LOVE. xo

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Hi Natasha. I came across your blog a few months ago in the middle of the night when I finally decided I wanted to stop dwelling over my break up and start feeling better. Im 40. Ive read countless articles, millions of threads and tons of self-help books. Ive even gone to a retreat to try and repair my marriage that ended almost 8 years ago. None of which has truly resonated with me until NOW. Im 3 months out of a relationship. I was crushed and confused and had no closure since my ex abruptly broke up with me over the phone and fell off the face of the Earth. I scoured through most of your entries in a total of 3 nights since discovering you. Each entry has taught me valuable life lessons. Each entry has made me stronger than yesterday. What I love most about PMS is that it is truly HEALING for me. – In EVERY WAY!!! Ive maintained staying on my white horse, Ive stayed classy and working on feeling indifferent. Im standing tall and although I have yet to hear from the ex and feel like I was thrown to the curb and never mattered, Im sure in time… Ill be eventually become the ONE that got away.

Thank you Natasha for just being. Thank you for being you. Thank you for having the words and having the ability to express whats inside of that vulnerable heart of yours and thank you for bringing us all together. You are a Godsend.

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Hi **C!

I am in tears! So honored to have played a part in your healing and realizations. You already are the one that got away because you’re finally doing the energetic “flushing.” I’m so proud of you. Thank you for sharing and for being YOU. It takes one to know one **C. You’re amazing. There isn’t anything that you can’t get through. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. Sending you so much love and the biggest hug. XOXO

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Hi Natasha,
Thank you. You are such an incredible , brilliant woman and your posts have been so refreshing and real. I am two months off of a breakup, and I have been awakenened ever since. Finding your blog just makes me realize more and more that I am on the right path and that no one can fill the empty space because I am filling it with ME!!! You are amazing.. would love to meet one day.. until then hugs and love from Miami❤️❌⭕️❌⭕️.

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Hi Elizabeth! It takes one to know one – you are incredible 🙂 Thank you so much! I’m truly honored to have played a part in your healing and realizations <3 Would love to meet you in person too! XOXO

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Natasha,
I have never been so deeply grabbed by a blog before this one – everyday, I cry for the love of my life to come back to me. If only I had loved myself more, I wouldn’t be in this much pain. I just never knew how, I was never taught to. I am going to work on building this home you are talking about. I am going to start there.

All my love and inspiration,

D.

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Hi Danielle! I am so honored to have helped <3 you are loved, believed in and never alone. Thank you for your love, sisterhood and support! 🙂 XOXO

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Love your posts ALWAYS xo

I have been broken up with my ex for about 2 months now and I decided to end contact once we broke up because I wanted to stay on my white horse and move forward with my life (even though I’m on this site constantly because I am just so not over him yet LOL). We did not end on bad terms at all, he was just emotionally unavailable and I was not interested in being with someone like that. HOWEVER, I feel like days, even weeks, go by and I am so happy and moved on with my life then I see a post or hear his name and BAM I feel like I have reverted back to day 1 of the heart break. Do you have any posts on this?! I would love to read. Thanks again xoxoxo

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Hi Al! Thank you so much! 🙂 Read this if you haven’t already. XOXO

https://postmalesyndrome.com/when-you-see-your-ex-how-to-not-let-it-unravel-you/

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Hi Natasha!
I love your blog so much! I walked away from my emotionally unavailable ex about 5 months ago and for the first few months I read your articles daily every time I wanted to reach out to him. I have now met someone who is great, and very open with his feelings, which is new and strange for me, and its actually scaring me because now I feel like im the one that has shut off (in fear of having my heart ripped out again) and im scared to commit to him even though I think he would be great for me. Not to mention i still think about my ex every day and yearn for him to reach out to me (crazy I know). I would just love to see an article about when you have actually found someone who is right for you, how do you know when you have only ever been with emotionally unavailable men? I feel like if its not hard and hurtful and lonely then something is missing for me and I crave the drama.
Ahhhh help!
xxx

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Hi Sam! Thank you!! 🙂 I’ll try to write an article about this soon.

Thanks for the recommendation and for your love & support! Check this post out if your haven’t already. xxxxx

https://postmalesyndrome.com/is-he-emotionally-available/

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well, I have been reading your articles and it has truly helped me, but I have to say this morning, after, once again, getting dumped from the fucktard, I am so angry at myself for allowing him back into my life. I will try and remain strong, but I am so heartbroken that he would do this to me again, it’s hard to even think of even getting through the day. Thanks for the great articles of w hich I will re read and re read until it soaks in.

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You are loved, supported, believed in and never, EVER alone <3 Sending you love Kim. xo

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Hi everyone,
Firstly, thank you so much Nat for giving so much of yourself to help people recover from the trauma and distress of heartbreak – you are an absolute saviour to so many and you change lives every single day. I have also found everyone’s comments and reflections enormously helpful. My ex of 2 years left nearly 3 months ago and I must say that this is the worst breakup I’ve ever been through – but then again, every breakup is horrendous. I have found the following exercise incredibly helpful in working towards my recovery and thought that I’d share it.

It’s a list I add to everyday as I have insights so it’s an ongoing therapeutic process. It’s called ‘I am no longer the woman who…’ and it reminds me that this breakup (actually, I should say WAKE UP) is not about me being defective. Instead it helps me to remember that I am a person of value who just, like everyone (including my ex!) has issues and struggles. I have very low esteem, but as painful as that has been to examine and face it, the lightbulb moment has been an agent of change…as Maya Angelou so beautifully put it, ‘when we know better, we do better.’ Under the header of ‘I am no longer the woman who…’ the list includes:

– Treated myself badly because I was so terrified of rejection that I never challenged abusive behaviour
– Allowed myself to feel totally at fault for the short-comings my ex highlighted to me so often
– Who walked on eggshells around people who are too immature to see their own pain and lack the balls to look into their own mirror
– Spent so much time beating myself up with the ‘if I’d only been better, kinder, prettier, then he wouldn’t have left me and I would have worth’

BUT, I am now the woman on the white horse who gives my precious time and love freely to others without blaming myself when they abuse that privilege. I am now the woman with my head held high, knowing that I am a gentle soul who never takes my shit out on other people – that’s all that matters.

We will ALL recover – keep the faith and trust that the universe has beautiful things in store for you.

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WhiteHorseWarrior,

I can’t thank YOU enough for taking the time to share. Thanks for your love, support and for being a part of this tribe. You are valued, loved, appreciated and supported beyond measure. All my love to you <3 XO

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