Trying to figure out how to heal a broken heart is like trying to become perfectly fluent in a new language. As any logical person would agree, it takes t i m e.

And although time is one of our greatest healers, what if your heartbreak is too unbearable to wait for the unknown amount of “time” to release you from the prison of everything that was?

In 20/20 hindsight, I can always look back at certain things that transpired in past relationships and say to myself: “at THAT moment, I should have just left and been DONE. I should have made a graceful exit, STOPPED talking, started ACTING and rode off on my own white horse into the land of The One That Got Away instead of The Crazy-Psycho-Ex Who Wouldn’t STFU.” 

Guys, I get it. It’s excruciating, it’s unnatural & in the moment… it just.isn’t.fair.

It’s hard to not only have to be faced with the Armageddon of your relational world, but to then immediately have to make an executive decision based on the love that you supposedly have for your now defeated and deflated self, speak with your actions and walk away… ALONE (?!?)…

It’s just WAY too much for your heart to carry all at once.

You feel lower than low, discarded, rejected, forgotten and scared of the “known,” you’ve convinced yourself is factual – that your ex is going to move on as a better man with a better girl in a better relational world. No matter how many cups of tea or hot showers you take, you feel cold all the time and nauseous. Breathing air seems like an effort because you’re air supply is now gone.

I get that time heals, but is there a way to minimize your bounce back time?

Is it even possible?

How do you pick yourself up and move on in spite of the connection, love and feelings that you STILL have for the one person who assured you that your heart was in good hands?

Here’s how to heal a broken heart & move on in 7 steps…

Whether it be from a breakup, a family issue, friends, business, LIFE, etc. – one of the things that I always seem to conveniently forget when I’m heartbroken is that heartbreak is SUPPOSED TO HURT.

You’re dealing with a death and death is the ultimate loss. It’s the death of your hopes, plans, dreams and if you’re like I used to be, it can be the death of your only source of happiness, identity and security.

Here are the 7 realizations/steps that will minimize the time you stir the sh*t in the toilet (just to hold onto/remember the remnants of what was a great meal. barf), and get you on the path to indifferently FLUSHING the bullsh*t, the pain and the heartbreak.

  • How to heal a broken heart: STEP #1: DISABLE YOUR REFLEXES

    As humans, if we’re in pain, our reflex is to immediately bandage the wound. Even though the bandage causes MORE long-term pain/damage, we don’t give a f*ck. We just need something to cover the wound.  The moment I stopped being so ashamed of my wounds and surrendered to the truth – that heartbreak and breakups of any kind are supposed to hurt – my healing time was expedited and my power was reclaimed. I was so scared of the pain that instead of realizing it would pass, I would just knee-jerk-reflex-reaction RIGHT BACK into the old relationsh*t (or a new one).

  • How to heal a broken heart: STEP #2: RUN OUT OF F*CKS TO GIVE

    Understand that once your relationship, trust, respect, etc. is severed, the other person’s emotional state is no longer your priority or responsibility. YOU are your priority.

  • How to heal a broken heart: STEP #3: TAKE TIME

    This one is especially difficult because it literally goes against everything that your heart, mind and body are moth-to-a-flame PULLED in the direction of. When a person, circumstance or situation breaks your heart, understand that you NEED space; you HAVE TO have it. Without space, you disable your own emotional airbag from releasing and rob yourself of the perspective that’s needed to heal, deal and move on. As I always say, contradiction is the root of all misery. You can’t be engaged in constant contact with whatever broke you WHILE ALSO claiming that you need/want to heal and emotionally detox. If you’re scared of the other person forgetting you because you need space, they’re the wrong person (the SAME person who got you here in the first place – the person who was reckless with your heart).

  • How to heal a broken heart: STEP #4: STICK WITH WHAT YOU KNOW. EMOTIONAL AMNESIA IS NOT A GOOD LOOK.

    Like Usher says, let it burn. USE what you know now to FEEL what you’re scared to feel. Emotional amnesia in the form of constant contact is about as beneficial as putting a bandage on skin cancer and expecting a cure.

  • How to heal a broken heart: STEP #5: LET GO OF THE GUILT.

    If you suffer from the disease to please like I used to, having boundaries of any kind will elicit guilt. Here’s the thing – since when did recognizing yourself in a healthy manner by communicating through your actions that you need time and space to heal, deal and process, become a bad thing? If anyone makes you feel guilty for that (including the cynical audience in your head), make the decision to opt OUT of the bs. If someone or something breaks your heart, it’s not only okay, it’s HEALTHY to distance yourself. It’s unhealthy, wrong and never sexy to feel guilty for acknowledging that you aren’t a light switch.

  • How to heal a broken heart: STEP #6: ANGER > HOPELESSNESS

    It’s okay to be angry. In fact, I prefer anger to hopelessness. When you’re hopeless, you’re stagnant and there is nothing but death in stagnation. When you’ve hit a level of I’m-sick-and-tired-of-being-sick-and-tired ANGER, you can commit to ACTING. Action = evolution, which = propelling out of the heartbreak and moving on. But HOW do you move from hopelessness to anger? It seems impossible. The only way to propel out of hopeless heartbreak is through acknowledgment. If someone has been a complete f*cktard, you need to acknowledge them for who they are. Get over the arguing-with-reality romanticizing and start to get REAL with what you KNOW. The truth does indeed, set.you.free.

  • How to heal a broken heart: STEP #7: ADOPT MY VERSION OF FORGIVENESS (it’s much easier & less dramatic)

    I’ve always had the hardest time with forgiveness. There’s a part of me that will forever feel like if forgive, I condone. There’s also a part of me that romanticizes the “high road” in forgiving and wants so desperately to embody Mark Twain’s beautiful words in the most Grace Kelly-esque way: “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” But… I can’t. I just can’t. Maybe it’s because the offending party adopts being forgiven as such; maybe it’s because of what I what I was taught as a kid… who knows? What I do know is that forgiveness can be SO MUCH more attainable and achievable if you redefine what it means to you. It doesn’t need to be this all-encompassing, universal “umbrella concept.” While I’m a huge fan of and believer in Oprah’s AHA! moment that “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different,” I’ve built upon and adopted something that works for ME. To me, forgiveness is simple. It means accepting someone for who they are TODAY – not 6 months ago, not who they were when they were on top of you in bed on vacation, not who they were when you met. It’s about accepting someone for who they are in THIS moment, the present moment, which is all we really have. Remember – people don’t change, they unfold and reveal who they truly are over time. Forgiveness is about ACCEPTING that REVEAL in real time, independant of making it about you/your lack of value.

Know that you are HERE, right now and if you weren’t destined to heal, deal and move past this, you wouldn’t be reading these words right now at the same time that a tribe, YOUR tribe, all around the world is reading them too.

When you’re truly ready, that’s when the universe opens the doors – the blogs appear, the books fly off the shelf, etc.

You are loved, understood, supported, backed, believed in & never, ever alone.

You’re ready.

BIG squeezy hugs xx

Natasha

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27 comments

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Love this! I’m going through a break up ish moment right now, this couldn’t have come at a better time! I also love your site! If you get a chance check mine out! http://www.hellohogan.com!

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Thanks Tierra! 🙂 will do! xoxo

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Fantastic! Thank you!

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Happy it helped! 🙂 XOXO

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Thank you so much for the words of wisdom and encouragement, it is definitely not fair but I guess it is what it is. If you could offer some words for those of us going through this bs but have children with the person who broke our heart…

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I’m glad that it served you 🙂 Thanks Bella! I will definitely try to write a blog post on that soon!! All my love to you sister. xx

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I have a daughter and it’s been so hard trying to navigate the heartbreak all while still trying to be an example to her and help her as well.
Thank you, your kind words mean so much!

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<3 xoxo

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Yes Bella I agree, I’m almost a little envious of those who don’t have any children with their exes. I was informed by my ex-husband just a week ago that he has been seeing someone for 1 month (this news came after we had been trying to work on our marriage just 2 months ago). I wasn’t prepared for the way that punch felt to my gut and as part of our co-parenting agreements, when we separated we had agreed that if either of us started seeing other people and found someone that we thought would be special enough to bring around our child that we needed to meet that person first. At the time of the agreement I was so pissed off an angry and so relieved to be leaving that I welcomed the idea… even prayed for the idea of him seeing someone. And now after hearing his news I can’t describe how heartbroken, sad, miserable and confused I feel.. and the cherry on top is that I may get to meet her if their “thing” turns into something. I stupidly looked up a picture of her and of course she’s prettier, younger, skinny etc. etc. I feel anxiety coming on waiting for him to let me know when I get the pleasure of meeting her. But I just keep telling myself this isn’t about me and it’s for our daughter. I stumbled onto Natasha’s blog this weekend which was an especially tough weekend and reading her advise feels like I’m taking peptobismol and I literally feel her words coating my stomach and relieving me a little of this heartache which feels more like a the stomachache from hell. Thank you so much Natasha for your blogs. I especially love your analogy of stirring the crap in the toilet looking for the remains of the good part of the meal. The visual has seriously been helping me get through this. Also your blog about “Does he miss me” WOW you’ll never know how that blog has helped me. How did you get into my head? How did you know? It has helped me start to move on. Thank you so much.

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This literally pinged in my inbox this morning (I’m in the UK) as I was holding back the tears due to the heartbreak I’ve just been caused (or caused myself really) by my emotional unavailable, definitely narcissistic, ex. I fell hard, really hard for this f**ktard after coming out of a crappy long term relationship. He was my knight in shining armour, until he wasn’t, and for the second time he has discarded me without muttering a single word and just like that, poof, he’s gone. Thank you Natasha for this amazing blog, it lead to the discovery of not only what this man was but forced me to wake up to the issues that I didn’t even know I had, these have plagued me in every relationship I’ve ever been in and I can now see it’s time to do the work on myself. I know this guy is not ever going to be the one for me but my god the heartbreak, it’s so…so…hard. Thank you for making me realise I’m not crazy, your blog has become my bible – I’ve just ordered one of your necklaces to serve as a reminder that this monster is indeed my northern star and ironically my way out of the mess that is my utterly non existent self worth in relationsh*ts! Thanks from the bottom of my (currently very battered) heart. Xx

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Laura, your beautiful message made me cry. Thank you so much for the love, support and for allowing me to feel less alone in my experiences, emotions, thoughts, fears and insecurities. Please let me know how you like the necklace!! You WILL get through this – you can get through ANYTHING. You’re incredible. Thank you for being a part of this tribe and for just being you. Love to you soul sis. xxx

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This is just what I needed to read right now. Particularly your point in #7:

Remember – people don’t change, they unfold and reveal who they truly are over time.

Currently going through a breakup and this couldn’t be more true. Thank you so much for the reminder xx

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So glad it helped! Thanks Kate 🙂 xxxx

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Thank you for this Natasha! Currently going through this and it’s never easy but your words keep me going and build up my mind! I’m so thankful for your you and your blog! I have a question PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REPLY, If he claimed he loved me those 5 years and suddenly started to change although there were things he did switch were signs during the 5 years… will he ever he ever realize what he put my emotions through??? Also could you do a post on witnessing ‘Karma’ happening to people who have wronged rather than you getting in the way and just traveling on your white horse.

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Hi Kristen!

Thank you so much! I’m honored to have helped <3

I wish that I could elaborate further and answer your questions, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details.

Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog.

I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help further 🙂 The link to it is on the homepage.

I will definitely try to write a post about this soon; LOVE the topic. Thanks for the recommendation.

All my love to you soul sister.

You’re not alone xo

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Do you truly believe people never change? Do you think change is possible? Even in an emotionally unavailable guy? Will they ever mature?!?! PS When is the giveaway! Sorry so many questions!! I am just a huge fan of this site and your posts always leave me wanting MORE!!!!

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Hi Al!

Check this out (wish I could elaborate further here on the comments. Thx for understanding!) https://postmalesyndrome.com/are-emotionally-unavailable-guys-capable-of-changing/

Hope that helps! There are more posts that further answer/explore on your questions as well.

The giveaway is coming soon – in the next month! 🙂

You are appreciated and loved.

XOXO

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It is so true – the truth does set you free. It’s also the hardest thing to look at sometimes. We invest our hearts into guys and situations with the very best intentions. We are open and vulnerable and because of this, we often think that’s what we are going to get back. Love. Honesty. A connection. A future.

We ‘float’ around with this idea in our hearts and minds. We are floating so high, that sometimes, we bypass those huge red flags….omg (this is sooooooo what I am good at!). But what goes up, must come down. You look up, those red flags are still flying and there’s a part of you, deep inside that says ‘pay attention’. This is the beginning of any heartbreak. But usually we do not act on this. We want to, but we just cannot give up. We want to believe it’s all good. We will get love back.

I’m speaking for myself here, but for me, learning to raise my standards of what I would and would not accept, was why I ended up being able to see my broken heart as a gift. I’m an over functioner.. Seriously, if I get a whiff of dysfunction, I’m there like Florence Nightengale. The girl who wants to fix and please.

But you’ll attract someone who can’t love you back. That was the lesson. Took two and a half years of my life to work this out. He was hot and cold. He was either perfection or a nightmare. I was either on Cloud Nine or a crippled mess.

I knew it wouldn’t change. But I so wanted it to. I lived for the good times. But started to read articles online about how to tell a guy was not into you/emotionally unavailable/a player/ …. you know the drill. We don’t do this if everything is rosy. So my intuition was spot on (it always is girls – learn to listen to it because it comes from the oldest part of your soul and it always has your back).

But when you reach the point of heartbreak – everything oozes out. You are on the floor and it’s all there in front of you. This is the gift. You cannot hurt anymore than what you already are. So cry and sob. Feel like crap and don’t lie to yourself. Because the anger will come. The lowest ebb is always the turn of the tide. Wait for it. That tide of pain will slowly disappear. When youre there. All cried out – that low ebb WILL turn.

Anger is like fuel. A heat. Think of the Phoenix rising. This is what pulls you back together. You didn’t die. You thought you were going to but you didn’t. And your anger is there to remind you of what you deserve. Which is why your heart broke. You weren’t getting what you deserved.

You care too much about the wrong person or things. That caring won’t give you what you deserve. You need to look within. Why did I choose such a crappy situation for myself?

Use your anger to feel strong again. To build better boundaries. To change your self talk. To cut him off. To wake up each morning and say ‘f*** you … (insert name of dick here). If it makes you feel better – then do it.

But you need to do this for awhile. Until you become indifferent. That’s freedom. You aren’t angry now. You feel strong inside and at peace. For me it was when I realised my tummy didn’t do backflips if he contacted me and I quit facebook stalking him. Lol. This was a HUGE achievement girls!

I just stopped caring about him. But I was loving myself so much more. I accepted I was too loving and a pleaser and that I needed to do these things for myself – not others. That I was naturally thoughtful and didn’t need to try hard or fix things. I just started to look for synchronicity. If I was hitting a brick wall with something – it wasn’t an invitation to get a jack hammer – it was a message to walk away.

Be strong. Breathe. Do yoga. Buy a super soft blanket. Paint your nails. Love yourself. Feel your feelings. Cry. Get mad. Read. Look around you.

Your heart will heal. It broke because it wanted you see everything inside. It’s a gift. Put the pieces together. It always begins with ourselves. When you see this, you’ll see the truth. You’ll feel it.

Love love love to all of you. We are all the same. We all get each other. We just sometimes find it hardest to love ourselves. But broken hearts teach us that. I’m crying now but it feels so good. We deserve to feel good. Remember that!

Thank you Natasha. Xxx
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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Lorelle, I am in tears. I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to write with such raw and kind honesty, such love and such deep-seated knowingness and understanding. I want to make your comment a blog post! So incredibly beautiful, healing, profound and TRUE. Thank you for being the light and the angel that you are. You’re incredible <3 xxxx

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Awwww! You just make me smile and cry at the same time, Natasha! To have you say that, when your words have allowed me to travel this far, is such a sweet and total compliment. I have changed so much since coming here and I’ve learnt to love myself – faults and all. I’m truly grateful – and we are all blessed to have this awesome platform to share our feelings and journeys.

Thank you from the bottom of my happy heart, Natasha xxxx hugs xxxx 🌸❤️🌸

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I meant every word <3 Love to you sister. xxxxx

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Oh my, I am in tears too. Absolutely incredible, thank you for your insight and confidence in all of us that we will rise above the heartbreak. Hugs to all of you.

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Thank you as always Natasha. I’m still grieving 8 months after my heartbreak (not for him – for the future he promised) and sometimes I feel like I will never meet anyone again (he got engaged three months after me but I cut him off and haven’t been in contact for 8 months). God it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through but then I remember how lucky and fortunate I am to have such a great family and friends. Blessed.

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Hi Millie. Awww big hugs to you. Your story is a heart tugger – you have amazing strength to do what you have done.
It’s very hard to let go of the dream these men sell us and I totally admire how you can stay so strong and cut him off -and maintain that.

You’ll have no regrets in life about that. Engaged three months later to someone else?? Oh dear, that sounds like a red flag flying. But you’re safe and protected from it.

I’m like you, I come here to feel better and I read prolifically- it is wonderful soul food.
I think you’re so strong. There’s beautiful things in store for you! I know it! 🌹

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Dear Lorelle lovely words thank you so much for taking the time to write them. It really means a lot. Sending you some soul sister love. I’m sure amazing is around the corner for you too! Xo

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xxxxxx

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And you have this tribe! We all love, support, understand and believe in you Millie <3 I'm so happy that the post helped. You are not alone. xx

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