Trying to figure out how to heal a broken heart is like trying to become perfectly fluent in a new language. Any logical person would agree, it takes time.
And although time is one of our greatest healers, what if your heartbreak is too unbearable to wait for an unknown amount of time to release you from the prison of everything that was?
In hindsight, I can always look back at certain things that transpired in past relationships and say to myself: “at THAT moment, I should have just left and been DONE. I should have made a graceful exit, STOPPED talking, started ACTING and rode off on my white horse into the land of The One That Got Away instead of The Crazy Psycho Ex Who Wouldn’t STFU.”
I get it. It’s excruciating, it’s unnatural and at the moment, it just.isn’t.fair.
Not only are you faced with the Armageddon of your relational world, but now…
It’s way too much for your heart to carry all at once.
You feel lower than low, discarded, rejected, forgotten and scared of the “known,” you’ve convinced yourself is factual – that your ex is going to move on as a better person with a better partner in a better relational world. No matter how many cups of tea or hot showers you take, you feel cold all the time and nauseous. Breathing air seems like an effort because you’re air supply is now gone.
How do you pick yourself up and move on in spite of the connection, love, and feelings that you STILL have for the one person who assured you that your heart was in good hands?
Here’s how to heal a broken heart & move on in 7 steps…
Whether it be from a breakup, a family issue, friends, business, school, etc. – one of the things that I always seem to conveniently forget when I’m heartbroken is that heartbreak is SUPPOSED TO HURT.
You’re dealing with death and death is the ultimate loss. It’s the death of your hopes, plans, dreams and if you’re like I used to be, it can be the death of your only source of happiness.
Here are the 7 realizations/steps that will minimize the time you stir the sh*t in the toilet (just to hold onto/remember the remnants of what was a great meal – yuck), and get you on the path to indifferently FLUSHING- the bs, the pain, and the heartbreak.
How to heal a broken heart: STEP #1: Disable your reflexes.
As humans, our reflex is to immediately bandage a wound. Even though never taking a bandage off can cause more long-term pain/damage, we don’t give a f*ck. We just need something to cover the wound. The moment I stopped being so ashamed of my wounds and surrendered to the truth – that heartbreak and breakups of any kind are supposed to hurt – my healing time was expedited and my power was reclaimed.
How to heal a broken heart: STEP #2: Run out of f*cks to give.
Understand that once your relationship, trust, respect, etc. is severed, the other person’s emotional state is no longer your priority or responsibility. YOU are your priority.
How to heal a broken heart: STEP #3: Take time.
This one is especially difficult because it literally goes against everything that your heart, mind, and body are moth-to-a-flame pulled in the direction of. When a person, circumstance or situation breaks your heart, understand that you NEED space; you HAVE TO have it. Without space, you disable your own emotional airbag from releasing and rob yourself of the perspective that’s needed to heal, deal and move on. As I always say, contradiction is the root of all misery. You can’t be engaged in constant contact with whatever broke you while also claiming that you need/want to heal and emotionally detox. If you’re scared of the other person forgetting you because you need space, they’re the wrong person (the same person who got you here in the first place – the person who was reckless with your heart).
How to heal a broken heart: STEP #4: Stick with what you know. Emotional amnesia is not a good look.
Let it burn. USE what you now know to FEEL what you’re scared to feel. Emotional amnesia in the form of constant contact is about as beneficial as putting a bandage on skin cancer and expecting a cure.
How to heal a broken heart: STEP #5: Let go of the guilt.
If you suffer from the disease to please like I used to, having boundaries of any kind will elicit guilt. But here’s the thing – since when did recognizing yourself in a healthy manner by communicating through your actions that you need time and space to heal, deal and process, become a bad thing?
If anyone makes you feel guilty for that (including the cynical audience in your head), make the decision to opt OUT of the bs. If someone or something breaks your heart, it’s not only okay, it’s healthy to distance yourself. It’s unhealthy, wrong and never sexy to feel guilty for acknowledging that you aren’t a light switch.
How to heal a broken heart: STEP #6: Anger > Hopelessness
It’s okay to be angry. In fact, I prefer anger over hopelessness. When you’re hopeless, you’re stagnant and there is nothing but death in stagnation. When you’ve hit a level of I’m-sick-and-tired-of-being-sick-and-tired ANGER, you can commit to ACTING. Action = evolving, which = propelling out of the heartbreak and moving on.
But HOW do you move from hopelessness to anger? It seems impossible. The only way to propel out of hopeless heartbreak is through acknowledgment. If someone has been a complete piece of sh*t, you need to acknowledge them for who they are. Get over the arguing with reality romanticizing and start to get REAL with what you DO know. The truth does indeed, set you free.
How to heal a broken heart: STEP #7: Adopt this version of forgiveness (it’s much easier and less dramatic)
I’ve always had the hardest time with forgiveness. There’s a part of me that will forever feel like if forgive, I condone. There’s also a part of me that romanticizes the “high road” in forgiving and wants so desperately to embody Mark Twain’s beautiful words in the most Grace Kelly-esque way: “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” But… I can’t. I just can’t.
Maybe it’s because the offending party adopts being forgiven as such; maybe it’s because of what I was taught as a kid… who knows? What I do know is that forgiveness can be so much more attainable and achievable if you redefine what it means to you. It doesn’t need to be this all-encompassing, umbrella concept. While I’m a huge fan of and believer in Oprah’s AHA! moment that “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different,” I’ve built upon and adopted something that works for ME. To me, forgiveness is simple. It means accepting someone for who they are TODAY – not 6 months ago, not who they were when they were on top of you in bed on vacation, not who they were when you met. It’s about accepting someone for who they are in THIS moment and adjusting your boundaries accordingly. Remember – people don’t change, they reveal who they truly are over time. Forgiveness is about ACCEPTING that REVEAL in real time – independent of making it about you/your lack of value.
Know that you are HERE, right now and if you weren’t destined to heal, deal and move past this, you wouldn’t be reading these words right now.
You are loved, understood, supported, backed, believed in, and never, ever alone.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.