So, you want to learn how to get your ex back.

You’ve gone through relationships where you knew the other person wasn’t good for you but every so often, you’ll leave someone and realize you’ve made a terrible mistake. Or, your ex left you, but you’re certain you still have a chance to have a great life together.

While there are no guarantees that your ex will come back into your life with open arms, there are some things you can do to entice them back into a relationship (given that they are not a toxic person and are actually capable of a mutual, non-toxic relationship).

Breakups of any kind are devastating. I write a lot about breakups with toxic individuals, but what if you were with someone who was truly great?

Not knowing what to do or how to get a great person back has made me feel suicidal in the past (emotionally and physically). I didn’t want to live anymore without this person. If you’re feeling this way right now, I want you to consider this…

Imagine you were writing the story of your life on your computer right now and all of a sudden, the computer got a virus and broke down.

  • Would you immediately pour gasoline all over it, light a match, blow it up (physical suicide), and risk burning your entire house down? (destroying those who love, believe in, count on, and need you).
  • Would you run away from it in fear and abandon your computer and story? (emotional and spiritual suicide).
  • Would you pretend that nothing was wrong and keep typing even though the screen won’t light up and the keyboard doesn’t work? (symptoms of emotional and spiritual suicide: denial, delusion, and avoidance).
  • Would you psyche yourself into believing that this was just a little glitch? And after a while, when the computer still wasn’t working, would you use every opportunity to berate it and tell it how worthless and defective it is? (another symptom of emotional suicide: self-sabotage).

No. You would not do any of these things.

You would understand that something in the computer is broken enough to prevent it from operating. And even though it doesn’t work right now, the virus can be killed and the brokenness can be repaired. Destroying your computer or refusing to address the brokenness does not erase the problem.

It takes away any chance for you to finish the story that only you can write.

Don’t give up on yourself.

Here’s what you need to do to get your ex back…

1. Give them time and space.

You may be thinking, “Um. I’m looking for a way to get my ex-partner back, not push them further away.”

But if you want to win your ex back, you have to give them time and space. Calling them non-stop, begging for them back, crying on the phone, and all of the things we do when we’re hurt are a big turn off.

It’s even more of a turn off if your ex dumped you. They clearly want space from your relationship. Texting and calling constantly isn’t a good idea.

Giving your ex time and space allows you to have some time to think about the relationship. It also gives your ex time to miss you. They’re not going to miss someone who refuses to get out of their life.

Additionally, the time and space can give them the feeling of actually missing you, and remembering what was good about your relationship.

And while you’re probably reading this post because you’re sure your ex is The One, they may not be. It’s a bit of a shock to hear, but giving them time and space can give you the space you need to think about the relationship – what worked and what didn’t.

Then, if you still miss them, you know you had something worth fighting for.

2. Apply the No Contact Rule (and extend it to social media).

This one can be painful, especially if you and your ex were in a long-term relationship. It’s hard to stop talking to someone who’s been there for you for months or even years but is now no longer a part of your life. You may have been relying on them for emotional support for a long time, and going cold turkey is difficult.

While this rule is also about giving them space, it goes one step further. You can give your ex space and still talk to them once in a while, but with a no contact period, you can make sure you’re not being reminded of them at all.

This rule is two-fold: and it benefits you as well as your ex.

With this rule, you can start focusing on life without your ex and building yourself back up. Losing a good person is devastating, and being reminded of them every single day whenever they post on social media can make you feel crazy.

It also gives your ex a chance to miss you.

If you want to rekindle things with your ex (which you obviously do or you wouldn’t still be reading), you should go no contact, but save their information.

The same goes for social media. Keep them as friends on social media, but mute their profiles.

3. Spend time with friends and family.

There was a time before you and your ex knew each other. Unless you’ve been dating the same person since middle school, you likely had a network of friends and family that you hung out with often.

Now is the time to rebuild these relationships and refocus on them. This way, you can start getting your identity back as the person you were before you met your ex.

Strengthening these bonds can both help heal you from your relationship and can help boost your self-confidence. Most people’s self-esteem gets drained after a break-up, and that’s normal. This can help you build back up.

Reconnecting with family and friends can also help you fill the void that you have from no longer having your ex in your life.

This way, when you and your ex do eventually reconnect, you’ll feel more confident, and less thirsty. More like the person they fell in love with originally.

4. Get a new hobby (or get back to an old one).

This is a great time to focus on a hobby, whether it be an old one or a new one you’ve always wanted to take up.

Doing this is also a great way to improve your confidence and help you heal from the break-up.

When I was going through a really bad breakup and felt like I had no control, I remember deciding to take ownership of what I had complete control over:

I worked out hard every day. I spent whatever free time I had planning more thoughtful meals. Whenever I did have free time, I found that I didn’t obsess as badly as I usually did because I was expending my energy in other areas too. (in other words, when I had free time, I was too exhausted to care as much).

No matter what, make sure you take some time to focus on yourself.

5. Start talking to other people and start dating again.

This sounds counter-intuitive, but it can help you get your ex back.

Once you’ve gained a bit of perspective, start seeing other people. This may feel super weird at first, especially when getting your ex back is what you’re focused on, but it can help.

By dating again, you give your ex a clear message that you’re moving on. And that you’re moving on without them.

If your relationship is irreparable, this may not phase them. But if not, this will make them feel jealous. They’ll start to wonder how you moved on so quickly, and what these new dates are like.

When you start dating again, definitely keep it casual, be classy, and be respectful. Stay on your white horse. Don’t do anything that you’re not comfortable doing. Date to connect, gain more perspective, and affirm that your sole source of happiness does not come from another person.

6. Take a realistic inventory of your relationship issues.

Take the time to figure out if your relationship issues are truly fixable and if your core values match.

How to Get Your Ex Back…

Don’t play games – value yourself enough to be above the mediocrity.

When we value ourselves, others will too.

When you choose to be honest with yourself, to love yourself and accept nothing less than what you want, you will radiate it.

When you choose happiness and take care of yourself, when you stop worrying about what other people think and start living your best life, it’s infectious. It’s attractive, it’s powerful, and people notice – even exes.

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.

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12 comments

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Hi Natasha
This resonated so much with me. You of all people know why.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this post. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
Loads of love
Meg

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Our conversation inspired it ♥️🙏🏼 So glad it helped! Xo

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This is such good advice! When my ex cheated on me and ghosted me, I ended up applying all of those things without realizing I was doing it. Eventually he came back after his relationship with the other girl didn’t work out and saw that he messed up big time after seeing how much I had grown and changed. He ghosted me again and doing everything above in the first place was enough to remind me that I didn’t need him in my life. A part of me hopes he can change (I know I did) but I know now that I can be happy by myself and don’t need to depend on others, especially anyone toxic like him, to stay happy. Your advice and stories are so inspiring. I’ll keep reading and can’t wait for whenever your book comes out!

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Hi Anu!

Thank you so much for sharing 🙂 I’m glad that the post was affirming!

It was nice to read how doing these things helped YOU – no matter what the outcome will be.

You are an inspiration. I hope that this finds you and your loved ones safe and healthy. Thank you for your love and support.

Can’t wait for you to read the book 🙂 ! xox

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Hello Natasha.

This was a very important post and I think it comes at a good time. We are all feeling vulnerable and a little out of control.
You always give so much wisdom and direction and this time is no different. I love what you said about staying on our white horse. It’s very important to keep self respect no matter what we decide. Time and space can also make a huge difference. Like you said, maybe we realize that person was not what we thought they were.
Thank you again for giving of yourself.
I hope you are well and safe.
Love you and all you do.
🦄😘💕🌸

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Linda,

I look forward to your input as much as I do writing posts 🙂

And yes, I agree. Self-respect needs to be maintained no matter what the outcome.

Hope that this finds both you and your Mom safe/healthy. Love you too sister. Thank you for being you. xox

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Great post! Like that “computer analogy” unfortunately that apply to my case with ex gf because her “god fear” (fear-base) bullshits and her secrecy destroyed everything. She can not EVEN realize what I’m trying to convey until it’s too late. She moved on to another and another who knows maybe manizer?🙄🤷‍♂️ For that reason especially after me I refuse take her back. She destroyed my belief and spirit. Deeply broken heart. Her words/actions do not match. There’s no “our” it’s all “me me me” to her! To her “life is theater”. (Dramas) My sister asked me “do you want go back to her?” I told her I would but she went to another guy after me. No thanks I must heed my counselor recommendations. Like I post few weeks ago regard to break no contact. It hurts me to see her with another guy and to me it’s big “WTF!?!” She except me to smile on picture. Why she not ask her guy to smile? That came into my realization I was treated quadruple standards and different treatment. Do I want that? Heck no! Moreover there’s no friendship. For serenity purpose I surrender and accept fact that it’s an everlasting dead! Consider computer burned to ashes. Irreparable damage. Let her go. I’m no body. No worth to her. An option zzz. She never care but herself. Everything fake. It’s “game” to her. I’m out. So far I been feeling more good since the post I shared regard break no contact rule and starting since Ghosted out post earlier this year. Perspective became clearer that I don’t want her. Even if I’m eating my own words for saying that. Natasha keep the great writing. Hope to read new post how to overcome those memories I had with her when I visit my sister in CA. I want 100% out of my system. In my opinion I have my reason to believe that she purposely planted it to make me crazy. That I want out of my system. Does it mean guest bedroom need a complete makeover/replace furnitures? It will be tough because those are few decades old and came from the South before she got married and moved to CA. The surrounding shoppings/restaurants. Geez. Be nice if Bill Gate is able to erase that memory (Virus) out of my heart! I refuse get into another relationship until she is complete out of my system because it won’t be fair to new one and vice versa. I do not want to cling on other to “make me happy” or strong or etc” that a receipt to disaster in the end! Few steps you mentioned is what I’m in progress. With COVID. Everything a push back. Really frustrating! 🤬🙄🤷‍♂️. Thank you. John

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Dearest Natasha,
I’ve Googled this question so. many. times. in my past. And I am not surprised that you have crafted the most succinct and accurate list of answers I’ve read to date. I love the reminder to take a “realistic inventory”, reflecting on whether “cover values matched” in prior relationships. It is so easy after a breakup (or even an argument with a best friend!) to frame conflicts in such a way that you reflect on your own shortcomings, to let the nasty negative thought Gremlin sitting on your shoulder take over – the one that says “you are not enough, your nose is too big, your boobs are too small, you are reactive and impulsive and Bitchy, and no one will ever like you!” Instead, if you see conflict or a breakup as a result of conflicting values, you separate yourself, and respect yourself so. much. more. …Also loved the emphasis again on treating the Disease to Please and shifting one’s focus to self and rooting. I found that being my own best friend in times of emotional pain and interpersonal conflict has paid off. Thinking, “okay! I am going to date my own darn self!” and planning a nice dinner, going to TJs and buying myself the nicer flowers, taking a shower with a lit lavender candle — these ‘being my own Knight in Shining Armor’ actions — work wonders. Root deep into the ground when the winds are blowing, and Light your own temple fires, and you WILL attract those who love light instead of darkness! <3 Thanks for sending out another Sunday morning post, Natasha.
So much love to you and the PMS tribe.
-Kelly

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Hi! I guess my wounds are still fresh. But what happens if you do delete them off of social media? Does that mean that’s it’s over over?

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No, that doesn’t mean it over. Always do what’s best for *you*, your mental health, and protecting your peace.

You are not alone. xox

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My story is a little complicated. He got another girls number behind my back while he was out for friends one night and I kicked him out, but then tried to back peddle and he wouldn’t take me back. He moved out of our apartment and now it has been two months since the break up and I’ve fallen off my white horse twice. He only reached out once on a night he was drinking and now he’s following a ton of attractive girls on Instagram daily. I know I need to stop looking, but I can’t and it’s driving me insane. I feel like it’s too late to get on my white horse. He’s never going to miss me.

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I am in a very similar situation as the other Jessica. I found my ex was allowing a “good friend going through a hard time” to send him texts that he should not have entertained while in a relationship with me. Although his responses did not feed into her flirtation, he never asked her stop which was extremely disrespectful to me. When I confronted him saying I needed space I was expecting him to fight for me, but he did not. This was early April and we have since had countless conversations about why he actually wanted to break up. He says he can only emotionally attach so much, and then it stops, and admitted he needs therapy but he’s “not ready.” I was supposed to move in next month (we were together a year and a few months) and I think that level of commitment also freaked him out especially because his parents are in the middle of a nasty divorce after close to 40 years together. I am completing my Social Work Masters program and working toward my clinical license and the break up has made me acknowledge countless warning signs I ignored regarding my ex’s fear of intimacy and emotional unavailability. He is truly a great person and treated me very well but my education provides helpful insight and his parent’s relationship/his own relationship with his father is where it all started. I convinced him to try to make things work, but as we know, you can’t convince someone to do something if they aren’t ready. When I began attempting to get him to address his underlying issues he pushed me away again.
Anyway, I am now day 1 of no contact… going to try really really hard this time, promise! We last spoke about how he needs time on his own to sort things out, see the bigger picture and hopefully speak to a professional. We had a happy relationship so I’m pretty sure despite his emotional issues he will miss me, but you never know. He has said I am the best girlfriend and he knows if it didn’t work out with me it won’t work out with anyone, and that I don’t deserve to be wasted on someone like him that “doesn’t feel.” I am usually a very strong and rational person but this breakup is really testing my sanity. Not sure where I was going with this comment but seemed like the right place to let some words flow out. Hope everyone else going through something similar finds peace and happiness soon. XO

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