A while ago, I wrote a post about how to get what you want in life, relationships and yourself. While all of it still rings true, that post discusses more of the umbrella concepts than the kind of straight forward detail I want to get into in this post.
I’ve also evolved, failed, succeeded and learned a lot since then.
There are no secrets here on PMS – I’m not a fan of secrets because they generally involve deception and always involve the knowing party on a pedestal while the unknowing party has no option but to look up to the secret holder/”emperor,” who, 11 times out of 10, is unclothed.
I want to share everything with you that has not only changed my luck, my life and my relationships, but has allowed me to be in business in a way that I never thought I could be: without a boss, without being doormatted, without being edited and without a cap on how bright I can shine a light that I never even knew existed until I stopped obsessing about what everyone else thought and how they perceived me.
We all have our own light to shine and unfortunately, the majority of us were made to feel ashamed of and apologize for that light when we were at our most helpless, vulnerable and powerless: As children.
When we’re kids, the guilt, fear and shame associated with being different soon starts to outweigh our ability to shine that light any longer. And thus, another sheep is born. Life becomes nothing more than a game of follow the follower.
In the blink of an eye, we become adults who can’t understand why lovers and friends not only dim whatever remnant of light we have left, but can’t see the light within us. A light that we can’t even see.
As a result, our only hope in resurrecting that light gets put into the hands of disconnected, empathetically bankrupt lovers and friends whose crumbs keep our light as dim as possible so that we are dependent upon their validation for emotional survival.
If you’re sick of and tired of living in emotional fight-or-flight with an un-amplifiable light, read.this.post.
If you’re hungry enough for a change, this post WILL reignite that light.
It’s up to you what you want to do with that reignited light. YOU get to decide if you want to continue to allow your belief system to dim it, along with emotionally vampiric and toxic people.
The feedback I revived from my last post inspired to me go deeper. So, last week, I started drafting a list of concise, to-the-point, transformative and POWERFUL rules that have worked for me. These rules will literally allow you to take back the pen, run out of f*cks to give, reclaim your power and call your own shots – relationally, professionally and in life.
Here’s how to get what you want in relationships, business & life:
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #1: The key to emotional Jedi Mastery: Learn to fully feel every ounce your emotions while completely restraining from acting on them.
When you behave on emotional impulse, EVEN THOUGH it isn’t your intention, you translate through the one thing that will ALWAYS speak louder than words, your actions, that: You have a weak emotional core, forgot your value and are unsure of who you are. Basically, people will see you as an easy target for being doormatted, manipulated and used.
You’re no longer a player. You become the self-imposed water boy in the game of life (the “water,” being your energy, spirit, dignity and respect for others to readily consume when thirsty). Being a master in dealing with people comes from feeling every ounce of your emotions while committing to the super power that is non-reactivity.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #2: The second someone lies to you, or disrespects your boundaries after lying to you… Go to the vegetable garden.
Recently, someone lied to me about something that was so obnoxious, it was more insulting and hurtful to listen to their multi-dimensional fable than it would have been to just hear the pathetic truth. Take comfort in knowing that people who do this to you, do this to themselves 10-fold. Their only means for emotional survival is through their bullsh*t artistry and emotional magic acts. Let them go find another audience member. These same people generally bust your boundaries after contending that they’ll respect them. Treat these people like mushrooms: feed them sh*t and keep them in the dark. Speak with your actions, release them in peace and get on with your life.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #3: Bottom line: When people devalue, disrespect and treat you like sh*t, it’s because they feel that way. If they try to passively make you feel jealous or insecure, it’s because they are so plagued by their own jealously and insecurity, that the only option for them is to perpetrate. Why? For a hot minute, they get to feel a sense of control over their own fragility.
Unless you’re dealing with a psychopath, understand that people are not trying to intentionally harm you. They just need to feel the sense of significance that they derive from controlling your emotional weather. Most people are just trying to evade their own suffering at all costs and thus, are blind to the casualties along the way. Don’t take on other people’s bullsh*t. Let them go mess with someone else because they always will. Release them in kindness and peace OUT.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #4: If you keep encountering the same patterns and pain in your work, relationships and life… what needs to be addressed is your level of hunger, NOT an FBI investigation of the situation/person.
I saw this quote on Pinterest the other day and it stuck with me because it’s so true: “We all eat lies when our hearts are hungry.” Feed your heart by being the adult you needed when you were younger and a crumb diet will no longer suffice (or excite you).
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #5: Own the sh*t out of your narrative.
The second that you stop fronting and own where you came from, who you are, who you aren’t and what you’re sacred and insecure of, is the moment you’ll detoxify your emotional environment and have limitless power.
In one of my favorite movies, 8 Mile, the ending rap battle that ultimately silences Eminem’s opponent was when Em owned his narrative to such an extent, his opponent literally had nothing to say (watch it here / warning *contains the strongest language possible). He didn’t pretend to be something that he wasn’t. There’s so much power in owning your narrative because it’s a unique blueprint that NO ONE else has.
I recently watched the 4 part documentary The Defiant Ones, and was mesmerized. It’s a testament to the power of owning your narrative so that you can build from that raw, real and authentic foundation.
OWN your story and if that story causes you pain, embarrassment or shame… Feel those feelings until they’re so strong, they become fuel for unstoppable execution in an extraordinary life. You’ve only got one.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #6: The more you talk, discuss and explain, the more basic you appear.
And the more you’ll feel like you have to “compensate,” through superficial gains/possessions.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #7: Always keep a low profile. Everything that is found in abundance is always sold at a discount. The more you respect your privacy, the more your value increases to everyone around you.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #8: Stop handing over the position of CEO. Remember – YOU are the CEO of Y.O.U. Constantly evolve by updating your terms, conditions and evaluating the people in your life.
YOU decide who gets to be fired, promoted or demoted. The more you adhere to your terms and conditions, the more selective you’ll become (and the more quality you’ll attract. F*ck quantity).
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #9: The best and most sincere apology that you will ever give or receive is changed behavior that’s rooted in EMPATHY for the other person.
No matter what kind of apology you get/don’t get, forgive them and yourself anyway. Set yourself free.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #10: Understand that if you’re constantly seeking validation, you are totally okay with other people putting a price tag on you. Validation seeking is a symptom of subscribing to the belief that you have no value (unless validated by a f*cktard).
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #11: Don’t worry about being diplomatic, politically correct or getting any kind of proverbial gold star for middle-of-the-road, “won’t-ruffle-any-feathers,” behavior. As long as you’re coming from a place of kindness in your honesty, having your own back and communicating in a way that is not for egoic gain, who cares what anyone thinks? Some will hate you, some will love you, but even if their actions and words don’t translate it, everyone will respect you.
And for the spectators who are incapable or respect because they lack self-respect, suffer from control issues and low self esteem… Envy will take over.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #12: Ignore the envy of others. If you don’t, you’ll become increasingly dependent on an opposing force to feel significant, which is just as pathetic (and pointless) as envy. Investing your energy in the envy of others is emotional fast-food. It feels good in the moment, but consume it enough and it will ultimately make you look and feel like sh*t.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #13: Everyone will have an allergic reaction to your evolution. Evolve anyway. The sky won’t fall, the f*cktards will drop like flies and the world will adjust.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #14: Your vibe will attract your tribe.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #15: The more you trust yourself, the less dependent you’ll be on putting all of your trust in untrustworthy people.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #16: Stop dumbing yourself down. If you have to emotionally, intellectually, spiritually or boundaries-wise, dumb yourself down to connect with someone… RUN. Always assume that the person you’re engaging with is as smart as you are and that they understand what you’re communicating until they prove otherwise (and if they do, it’s NOT your job to be their emotional training wheels. RUN. It’s a turn off).
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #17: The best way to get rid of the smell that’s making you sick is NOT to go spend emotional currency on air freshener… It’s to FLUSH the crap. Getting rid of the pain associated with not seeing eye-to-eye with someone, lies in making the decision to no longer be a participant in the dysfunction. Know when to fold.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #18: Only be around people who want you. Needing does not = wanting. Wanting uplifts you, needing drains and doormats you.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #19: Always set your price high. Even if people scoff at your price (standards/boundaries), they’ll respect your unwavering knowingness in who you are (and they’ll know that you are unf*ckwithable because you don’t need anyone to set a price/value for you).
One of my favorite quotes: “Have you ever noticed that Rolls Royce and Bentley don’t have commercials? REASON: They know the value of their product brings customers to them. LESSON: When you know your value, you don’t have to beg people to like you, spend time with you, love you or be your mate. Not everyone can afford the LUXURY of a relationship with you (whether that be romantic or friendship).”
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #20: Perfection is the lowest standard you can hold yourself to.
Perfectionism is the murderer of creativity, productivity, evolution and your destiny. It’s also the definition of spiritual and emotional suicide.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #21: ANYONE who tries to tear down your creativity and dim your light will never love nor truly SEE you, the real you, so STOP trying to get them to wear glasses. Glasses don’t matter to the emotionally blind. Even with glasses, they’re.still.blind. These people will only see the you that is easily manipulated and never enough. If you engage at all with ANYONE, including the cynical audience in your head, who believes that your creative light is too bright… You’re slamming the door on your younger self.
“The creative adult is the child who survived.” – Ursula K. Le Guin.
The strongest people have the toughest and most painful pasts. Just because the door was slammed on you as a child, doesn’t mean you need to keep doing it through your relationships, job, school, etc. Own your narrative, get up and know that you have an entire tribe of badassness supporting you here, always.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #22: Stagnation and emotional paralysis are the result of living in an entitled, “I-need-instant-gratification-or-I’ll-emotionally-capsize,” state of delusion. If you’re stagnant, you’ll never be able to view yourself objectively and you’ll take everything personally. And because insecurity takes over to the extent that it inevitably does when you’re out of touch with reality, you’ll overestimate your abilities while still being totally dependent upon others having to affirm those very abilities.
You’ll basically be a walking contradiction and contradiction is the root of all misery and disaster.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #23: You will always be the product of 3 things: Your thoughts, your level of movement (both mental and physical) and what you choose to consume (literally and emotionally).
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #24: Understand that most people will only be honest with you to the level that suits their emotional ecosystem and agenda. Hold onto people who are kindly honest with you – even when it hurts.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #25: If you want to disintegrate your ability to execute, stay in your comfort zone. Comfort is the thief of execution.
The more failures, set backs and hard times you go through, the more you prove to yourself that YOU CAN SURVIVE. And once the fear of emotional death no longer exists, your power and ability to influence will be beyond measure.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #26: Chemistry and passion in your romantic relationships are often defined by getting a crumb of what was withheld from you as a child. Make sure that you end up with your best friend (best friends give loafs). As life goes on, chemistry and passion will always be re-defined and both can be instilled. Being with your best friend can’t.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #27: Stop judging people on a superficial basis. Everyone is fighting an unseen and unheard battle. ALWAYS however, judge the sh*t out of people’s consistent actions toward you and have the self respect to ACT accordingly.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #28: Don’t get mad, don’t get even and don’t get all explanatory – get AWAY. get DISTANT. Your absence will always speak louder and effectively than any word or spiteful action ever could.
If you want someone who has hurt you to have any kind of idea of what they’ve put you through, cut.them.off. Engaging in endless hashing and re-hashing with the emotional deaf and blind is exhausting, boring, costly and never worth it.
What you choose to allow and enable is what will continue. Don’t be afraid to ACT on “I’m done.”
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #29: Always stay on your white horse.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #30: “Don’t burn bridges. You’ll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.” Making a dignified exit in a burning house is so much more effective than dousing the house with gasoline and risking your own (emotional) death.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #31: Assess every investment you make by the potential cost – emotional, financial, energetic, etc.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #32: Once you’ve said your peace and made your position clear, stop talking. Start walking.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #33: When people meet you, they figure that you know yourself better than they do (and if you suffer from low self esteem, you figure that they know you better than you do and can see right through you). If you feel badly about yourself, others probably will too. When you project an air of confidence and self assurance, people will follow suit. Ignore the offensive minutia and carry on. Hold your head up high.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #34: Energy is just as contagious as the flu. Distance yourself from toxic people and surround yourself only with those who are a reflection of who you want to be, what you want to do and how you feel about yourself.
Your relationships will ALWAYS be a direct reflection of the relationship that you have with yourself.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #35: Don’t take sides; don’t gossip. Squash your impulse to argue with negative people, it’s pointless. Don’t concern yourself with being noticed, winning, being right or having the last word. Your power lies in being a quiet observer and peaceful warrior. Silence is the best reply to a f*cktard.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #36: “Entrepreneurship is living a few years of your life like most people won’t, so that you can spend the rest of your life like most people can’t.”
I was an Uber driver for 5 months to pay for the design of PMS (going to write a post about this soon). My “office,” is currently the cafe by the pool at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Every photo on the blog is taken with my iPhone and I don’t have a makeup artist or a photographer (thx God my 2 best friends are hair and brow experts). My “team” consists of my assistant and I… braless, in our sweats, doing the work of 10 people on my living room floor. I used to sneak into model homes and have a friend take blog photos for me. When I was first starting out and no designers/retailers sent me clothes to feature, I’d buy clothes, photograph myself in them and then return them because I couldn’t afford it. Today, my blog photos consist of pulling over for 5 seconds and taking a photo in front of a wall. And I love it. I’ve run out of f*cks to give. It’s the journey that matters most (and that’s seriously the most FUN).
You may think you don’t have the time for your dreams, but when you’re passionate about something, the time appears due to the newfound energy and enthusiasm behind it. You are truly the only thing standing in your way.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #37: Learn to love your own company. Your power lies in the knowingness that you are your own soulmate, savior, healer, leader and BFF.
The ability to enjoy our own company is a lost art. Master it and everyone will want to be in your atmosphere.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #38: Greatness does not come from a positive attitude and skill. It comes from persistence, openness to evolve, commitment, tunnel vision, intelligence and the ability to bounce back from failure, pain, mistakes and adversity.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #39: Kill what is no longer serving you.
Write down everything that you need to put to pasture and let rest in peace. Have a ceremony in which you burn the list, write it on a bio-degradable wish lantern and release it, flush it in the toilet, etc. This practice creates a profound proximity from the anchors holding you back and also disallows you from resurrecting what’s dead because, well… you killed it.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT – RULE #40: The Law of Attraction will never work unless you raise your standards and meet the universe half way.
You immediately raise your standards by focusing on gratitude (which murders fear, envy, resent and anger), and COMMITTING to yourself. Most people are commitment phobic. They’re addicted to “I’ll try,” because as long as they try, they can take a sh*t insurance policy out on potentially not following through and “keeping their options open.”
Commitment is scary because when you commit, you have to deliver.
Commitment is such a beautiful thing though because as hard as it is, it always rewards us with the ultimate gift that’s necessary for a life beyond our wildest dreams: Simplicity.
When you commit, you disable hot-and-cold behavior, drama and the limbo-land lifestyle. There’s no more half-ass trying, promising and bullsh*tting. There’s just doing.
Thank you all for being you. It’s been so incredible getting to meet some of you while I’ve been traveling. I am truly in awe of and eternally grateful for each and every one of you.
Thanks for being on this journey with me. We are all in this together.
Last but not least…
A reader tagged me in something on Instagram yesterday and upon messaging her back, I looked at her profile. She had a link to her blog (which she didn’t mention at all), so I clicked on it and was completely blown away. I immediately excused myself from lunch.
I’ve never done anything like this, but I was so taken back after reading her most recent blog post, I DM’d and asked if I could call her. She gave me her number, we spoke for a few minutes and for those few minutes, I felt like the luckiest person in the world.
What an incredibly wise, courageous, strong, beautiful, kind and compassionate soul. Here is her story. Many of us have gone through emotionally what she has gone through physically. Many of us can relate to her on both an emotional and physical level.
Whatever the case may be, pain is pain, survival is survival and warriors are warriors. Bex’s story of survival and the incredible warrior that she is, inspired this post.
Show her some love, show yourself some love and let’s show each other unconditional love and nonjudgmental support, always.
We are ALL survivors – emotional, physical, spiritual, relational and professional.
BIG love to this tribe.
PS- I’m going to have my bestie, The Browgal on my show when it’s launched here soon. I’ll never forget 11 years ago when I met Tonya. She was working around the clock and we’d meet every Friday night in our sweats at our favorite cafe to talk about our fears, mistakes, lives, hopes and dreams. Today, she does all the A List celebs, has built an empire and, I’m typing this with tears in my eyes… Her products that are featured below are now all available at Nordstrom and QVC. Congratulations Tonya! ♡ Thank you for being my everything and more.