How to get over your ex is something that I could write a million blog posts on and still not be done. Why, because it’s so complicated? Not at all. It’s because after a breakup, when you’re trying to figure out how to get over your ex, there are so many emotions, triggers, insecurities, questions, old wounds that resurface, etc., and THAT can get really complicated.
Looking back, every time after a breakup where I’ve been DEEP in the “shoot-me-now-I-have-no-reason-to-carry-on-why-couldn’t-I-have-just-been-good-enough-for-him?-I’ll-never-move-on-or-get-over-this,” quicksand, it was always a relationsh*t that I was getting over, never a relationship.
I’m not saying that healthy relationships are easy to get over (they’re not and can be very painful too), but when you’re in a mutual relationship that doesn’t work out for whatever reason, you’re still okay despite the heartbreak. Yes, you’ll probably be heartbroken after the breakup, but you have a sense of understanding. You’re not questioning your value, your worth, your sanity, or feeling like you no longer have an identity (we attract what we exude and mutual relationships always involve two connected people that are capable of empathy and healthy communication).
Emotionally unavailable, empathetically bankrupt and narcissistic exes that we entered relationsh*t territory with are the
toughest most seemingly IMPOSSIBLE to get over. They not only cater to our worst fears, but they highlight all of our insecurities and mirror the dysfunction in the relationsh*t we have with ourselves.
Your ex’s words and actions consistently fail to match; there’s never any real finality or closure. And unlike a mutual and healthy relationship, the relationsh*t has drained you of any little self esteem, self love, sanity and trust that you had.
You’re left on an emotional driftwood without a compass because you entered the relationsh*t under the assumption that this person was going to be your compass, safe haven, solid ground; “make” you happy, “complete” you, etc.
Not only is this an unfair burden to put on anyone, but it’s completely unrealistic. If you’re like I used to be and you keep trying to get lovers and friends to see in you what you can’t see in yourself, you will always be chasing after validation that will never be quiet good enough. Your life will be plagued with heartbreak, dissatisfaction, “bad luck,” victimization and never feeling like you’re appreciated, understood or accepted.
At this point in my life, if I had Jerry Maguire himself come into my house crying on bended knee and telling me that I completed him, I would be alarmed. I don’t want that kind of burden nor do I want to ever again place that burden on anyone else. Its our job to live, love, experience joy and evolve during our incredibly short time here on this planet. It’s NOT our job to go around completing people and telling ourselves that we need someone to complete us. If you keep doing this, you’ll drain yourself of your power and be on a constant “I’m-never-good-enough” spin cycle, continuing to waste your time trying to please the unappeasable – yourself & others.
Trying to figure out how to get over your ex can be maddening. Let’s simplify.
Here’s how to get over your ex (& stop emotionally and/or physically waiting around), in 10 steps:
Will you magically be over your ex immediately after reading these steps? Probably not, but it will create movement and movement is the only way that you can evolve and eventually move ON.
How to get over your ex (and the relationsh*t as a whole)…
- Realize that in trying to figure out how to get over your ex, it’s not your ex that you’re having such a hard time with as much as it is having to let go of your idea of him (which is always based in the land of delusion, projections and having a “purpose,” and an “identity”). I’m not asking you to believe in fairy dust and unicorns here – I’m asking you to subscribe to reality and understand that YOU were the one that put your ex on that pedestal and you can just as easily take him down. It’s a decision away. If we were wired to put other people on pedestals, our necks wouldn’t hurt from looking up for too long.
- Understand that if your ex was truly someone that was worth missing, he would have found a way to exit the relationship without lying, cheating, making you question your value, being hot and cold, inducing jealousy, mind f*ckery, mixed signals, disrespect, etc. He would have found a way to respectfully communicate so that at the very least, you felt a sense of clarity despite natural heartbreak.
- The more you go out there seeking erasers, the more highlighters you will encounter. Going out on the town with the intention of “replacing” or erasing your ex will do nothing more than make you a magnet for people who highlight your ex’s absence and exemplify your misery.
- He will care about losing you when you don’t care about losing him (and you can energetically translate that). By energetically, I mean that you act in accordance with having your OWN back and staying on your white horse. NOT by acting with the intent of eliciting a reaction. And remember, if your ex is emotionally unavailable, he will only care about losing you in a selfish way (he will miss the you that was his sexual, emotional & motivational ATM). He won’t miss you in the way that you need, want and deserve to be missed. He will miss the you that provided for him and excused his hurtful behavior.
- Realize that the only way the relationsh*t could have worked is if it was 100% on his terms and if you accepted his hot and cold, hurtful behavior. No thanks. And just because you didn’t have boundaries in the relationsh*t, there’s no need to feel guilty for setting heathy boundaries now.
- I know it’s hard, but don’t subscribe to the “he’s a better guy in a better relationship with a better girl” crap. People aren’t capable of changing that quickly. I mean, he treated you with a serious lack of respect, love, loyalty and you’re still trying to figure out how to get over your ex, aren’t you? The person that needs to change is you. He’s proven to be consistently inconsistent and totally fine with being who he was before you, with you and who he will continue on to be after you because this is who he IS. You refusing to accept that is not him hurting you, it’s you re-injuring yourself so you can maintain some sense of pseudo control in an uncontrollable environment. Cats are going to meow – there’s no need to tie your worth to the cat meowing.
- Extinguish the 2 most destructive emotions. Figuring out how to get over your ex lies in minimizing destructive emotions. One of my favorite people, Tony Robbins always says that the 2 most destructive emotions are fear and anger. If you focus on what you’re grateful for, you murder the fear and anger because fear cannot reside in an environment of gratitude. Can’t think of anything to be grateful for? How about that you’re not being lied to, cheated on, disrespected, and no longer in a relationsh*t where you always felt alone? Be grateful that the toxicity is gone. It’s like the trash took itself out and you’re crying about the absence of it. KNOW what you’re mourning the loss of – not the trash being gone as much you mistaking the trash for a bar of gold.
- If he was perfect in the beginning and then revealed himself to be a f*cktard overtime, I promise you – he will do the same with the next girl. And that doesn’t make either of them “better” than you, it just makes them more tolerant and in denial of their own (and each others) bs.
- Grieve the death of the person you thought existed. This not only allows you to stop under-the-rug brushing and actually FEEL your feelings, it helps to establish the truth. As you begin to peel the layers, you realize that the ex you’re missing has become a figment of your delusion, projections, excuses self-deprecating/limiting beliefs and fears. You KNOW deep down he’s not the one for you. How much time are you willing to waste? To what extent are YOU willing to keep devaluing yourself?
- “I don’t need him anymore.” Make the decision to stop confusing being needed with being wanted. You don’t need anyone like you need oxygen. When you come from a place of emotional abundance and are no longer starving yourself and looking for others to complete you, you won’t get so excited over something as trivial as a text back. Also, when you’re emotionally providing for yourself, you won’t approach relationships with the “I need you to make me happy/complete me.” This eliminates you from being a sitting duck for emotionally unavailable relationsh*ts and also allows other people to feel more connected to you (and feel safe in being vulnerable with you). This quality also attracts the RIGHT kind of men and detracts the unavailables.
The women who typically find their exes coming back and making contact at one point or another are the ones that do the one thing their exes can’t do: match their words with their actions and no longer keep themselves captive in the emotional dessert. They recognize disrespect when they see it, minimize their words and MAXIMIZE their actions.
They ride off into the sunset on their own white horse.
– Natasha x