You thought that you and the person you were dating had a great connection. You made each other laugh, the chemistry was there, the conversation flowed naturally, and you both talked about the future. After a few weeks/months, however, the constant back-and-forth texts between the two of you started to peter off. You’d be left hanging for hours without a response. They suddenly seemed to be a lot busier and more unavailable. You felt a disconnect but chalked it up to “overthinking.” And then one day… the communication stopped altogether. They ghosted you.

Getting abandoned out of the blue by someone you care about, being met with radio silence, and left without an explanation is one of the most awful feelings. All of our un-dealt with trauma gets brought back up while we obsessively rehash a past that doesn’t support the pain/reality of the present moment in any way.

“How did this happen?”

“What did I do wrong?”

“How will I ever be able to trust again?”

You want closure but it’s nowhere to be found.  You need to know how to get over someone who ghosted you, ASAP.

When Natasha asked me to write a guest post on ghosting I was very flattered for the opportunity, but I was also asking myself “why do I know so much about this topic?” Unfortunately for me, I have experienced my fair share of ghosting and no part of the experience was pleasant. I was never able to truly believe that this was about them and not my lack of value. I have spent so much time wondering what I did wrong to make someone who claimed to care about me, be able to ghost me.
“What’s wrong with me?” Here goes the reverse narcissism (me thinking that another person’s actions/inactions are all about me and my perceived lack of value). I thought everything was going well and we were enjoying each other. I can remember telling myself that there were no signs of trouble. He was perfect; we were perfect. Wrong! There were so many red flags.
When I reflect and I am honest with myself, I can see that the relationship went silent and dark because but he did not want a loving and mature relationship. He could not deal with that scenario. He could fake it but never live the reality of it. As Natasha says, “the worst relationships have the best moments.” There were some amazing moments but as I now know, amazing moments alone do not make a relationship. It’s like putting a pile of crumbs together and calling it a cookie.
Anyone who can take your greatest gift of giving your physical self and emotional currency and then, vanish, lacks the capability to ever take inventory of themselves. They will keep jumping from one relationship to the next, thinking that the grass is greener.
They will keep doing what’s best for them. These people fail to understand that their disappearing act opens the flood gates to much disappointment for the receiver in addition to now having to heal one’s confidence, ego, and mostly… the heart. In my experience, all the cocktails, working out, shopping, and chocolate eating (my favorite medicine), cannot help. It is a process and not one that a person sets out to experience. It is selfishly thrust upon them without choice.
So, how do we pick ourselves up and move on? How do we not blame ourselves? I had to search for ways to cope as I am sure many of you have and are doing right now. After many sleepless nights, I finally started to develop my thoughts in a way so I could cope. I have listed some of them for you…

Stop Looking for an Explanation

So, what’s the first step in learning how to get over someone who ghosted you?

Stop looking for an explanation or a specific “reason” why they did it. After all, there a million possibilities. Maybe they met someone else, maybe they realized they weren’t ready for a relationship, maybe they weren’t quite as emotionally invested in things as you were, or maybe they’re just a complete jerk.

The point is that trying to play a never-ending guessing game about “what you did wrong” (likely, nothing) or why they’d leave a seemingly great situation will just make you feel more miserable than you already do.

You’ll continue to dwell on the relationship, you’ll start to doubt how awesome you are, and you’ll waste time and energy on someone who, at the end of the day, just wasn’t worth your time.

Plus, the fact of the matter is that the problem is almost always with the person who ghosted you, and not you. They may be conflict-avoidant, have a narcissistic personality, or they just may be emotionally afraid of getting close to someone. These are not traits you want in a partner.

Remember, you’re better off without them.

That’s not to say you can’t be upset, angry, or just completely confused. In fact, it’s important to allow yourself to feel those emotions and admit to yourself that being ghosted hurt you – especially if you’re dealing with ghosting after a long relationship.

But your goal should be to take care of yourself and think about what you need or want to do to move on, not what may have caused the other person to walk away.

When they disappeared, they took all their selfish, self-serving and excuses with them. Not so comforting, I know, but you cannot control other people’s actions. This person is solely responsible for all the damage. Ghosts may float away but their weight can still be very heavy. Do not carry their weight for them. Blaming yourself is not going to provide any comfort. Even if you had some moments of bad behavior or there was a conflict of some sort, having a conversation about it would be the mature and compassionate way to handle the situation. Ghosting is not a solution. It shows that this person acted out of fear. Fear of being emotionally vulnerable.

When someone ghosts you, here’s what they’re too embarrassed to say…

“I am incapable of a relationship beyond a grade school level. I cannot maturely and clearly communicate. I am scared sh*tless of being wrong, confrontation, feeling uncomfortable in any way, and experiencing a reaction from you that is not positive. My avoidance has neutered me of the ability to be courageous and honest. I protect/defend my state of denial and avoidance as much as I do my fragile ego. These are all more important to me than how my behavior makes you feel. I am an emotional pants sh*tter who would rather make you think that there’s something wrong with you than know the truth: that I am an emotionally un-potty trained adult.” – Natasha Adamo

Make a No Contact Commitment

If you’re truly committed to learning how to get over someone who ghosted you, then cutting off all contact with them is the best way to move on for good.

This means no texting, no calling, no excuses about why you “need” to talk to them, (you don’t) and no “casually showing up” at places you know they might be.

Get Support When You Need It

Learning how to get over someone you love, whether you were ghosted or if it was a standard breakup, definitely takes a serious emotional toll on you.

Expect to feel rejected. How could you not? Try to remember, the rejection is not about you. This person is rejecting everything that comes with being in a mature relationship. They did not stay long enough to know the real you. You cannot reject the true being of someone if you take no time to invest in them. It is the idea of a relationship that they can walk away or run away from in most cases.

My experience is that they are rejecting a part of themselves. The emotional part. The part built to feel true emotion. You were a mirror and triggered this part. And since they are incapable of following through, they have to do what is easiest and most convenient for them: disappear.

Need More Help with How to Get over Someone Who Ghosted You?

Honor your feelings. It is very uncomfortable to feel the pain that cuts with an emotional knife. The discomfort is a part of the damage the ghost does. Most importantly, do not dismiss that this is a blessing in disguise. It would have been worse to be with a person who handles their life decisions via avoidance. Think for a moment… how could this person even begin to handle the honor and responsibility of loving you and being loved by you? How can they be trusted with anyone’s heart? You know the answer. They can’t. This is of no value to you. You cannot build a home with no financial resources and one cannot build an emotional relationship when they have nothing to invest with.

As Natasha says, stay on your white horse. Preserve your self-respect. Do not lower your standards. Maintain no contact. As tempting as it may be, stay off social media. Don’t search this person out. They sent a clear message that they do not want to be found. Do not text, or reach out to mutual friends to plead your case.

If the ghost is that close to these people, they already knew this situation would occur. They probably have witnessed it before. You do not need to interrogate them, seek their approval, or seek validation.

Be the class act that you are. In my experience, the more time that passes the more the door that this person slammed in your face, stays closed. They do try to reappear. Some people have no shame. They have no problem disappearing for a year and emailing you on your birthday as if nothing happened (yes, this happened to me). This is not flattering. They are taking your temperature and looking to feed their ego. Don’t bite. They will then go back to the shadows. It is as if they needed oxygen so they came to you for it. The cost of your dignity and self-respect isn’t worth it.

Natasha has created this amazing place for us to come together and heal through connecting with each other. We do not have to struggle here and there are no ghosts. Thankfully.
The process of learning how to get over someone who ghosted you is just that – a process.
Thank you, Natasha, for this opportunity to be a part of what you do for people every day. I am so blessed to have met you. Be well all.

This post was written by Linda xx

This is Linda’s first guest post so please give her a warm welcome. I get asked often how where/how I find guest writers. With the exception of my Mother and Greg Behrendt, I discovered Irena, Lorelle, and Linda through the comments below my own posts. I read every single comment and found myself going back to their comments to other readers when I was going through tough times. Their compassion and advice to other readers goes above and beyond. We formed a friendship and although we live in different states and ends of the world, this community that *we all* have created connects us.

And for that, I am eternally grateful.

Linda will be answering your comments and questions below 🙂

If you need further and more personalized help with No Contact after being ghosted, please check out my intensive, No Contact Contract course. For one-on-one help, please look into working with me here.

WANT TO BECOME THE MOST
BADASS VERSION OF YOURSELF?

Get Natasha’s 7 life-changing & essential boundaries straight to your inbox.
Sign up to receive exclusive content, updates + more.

Your free download has been emailed to you. Please make sure you confirm your email address. 

You May Also Like

42 comments

Reply

Linda! This is a beautiful piece! I would never say it if I did nor mean it and I’m sènding champagne 🥂
It’s so full of truth. The words ‘silent and dark’ hit hard for me as whenever I’ve been in a difficult place in life, those two words were always part of it. A wonderful, resonating message here that so many will appreciate and heal from.

Another thing about people who ghost, I believe water always finds its own level, and it’s a basic incongruent factor in some relationships, with the message being that this won’t work out with this person/ this situation. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but wisdom like your post here is a short cut for those who read it in healing the pain of being ghosted by someone they once valued and loved. 👻 👻 much love to you, Linda xxx 🦄❤️

Reply

Hello Lorelle.
I am so touched by your beautiful comments. Thank you so much. I appreciate what you have said and I believe you are very correct about water finding it’s own level. I think that is powerful.
I know many of us struggle and times do get silent and dark. It can be scary but we have to keep moving forward because we will not heal otherwise. There is light.
Thank you so much. I love you 💕 I hope you are well.

Reply

Ugh!! This was hard to read through all the tears flowing down my face. You’re right…they do come back. And I have not been strong enough to walk away and ignore him. I’ve let myself turn into a doormat. Always happy when I see a text from him. Or more than willing when he wants to get together. Always knowing or anticipating the inevitable. I’m ashamed to say it’s gone on for four years. And I beat myself up a little more every day. I am now a completely different person than I used to be. I have a hard time remembering the strong and happy person I once was. It’s hard to pick yourself back up and stay strong and stay on that white horse. I commend and admire anyone who has had the strength to do so. Thank you for your words. They hit so close to home. Although I know I’m not the only one who suffers, it’s always nice to know that others go through this too and that I am not alone.

Reply

Hi Gina,
First thank you for comments. I understand the experience you have described. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This other person clearly knows you have a big heart and keeps coming back to enjoy the benefit of your giving spirit. Do not beat yourself up because nothing good comes of that. You have strength but at times we have to dig deep to use it to pull us through. Many is the time I had to do that and I still do.
You are not alone by any means. We are all out here doing the best we can but we are humans and we will fall and we will have pain but you have life to live and deserve to have joy. Just take a day at a time, stay here with this tribe and use Natasha’s wisdoms and your own power to bring back that happy girl you described. She is still there I’m sure of it. I hope the post helped and just remember you are loved and appreciated here. Be well. Thank you again.

Reply

Gina, I was in the same boat for 3 years. By the end, I too was calling myself a doormat, pathetic, and many other words. However, like Linda said above, that is carrying their weight for them. My ex was emotionally abusive and manipulative so I try to remind myself that I’ve suffered abuse and that has allowed me to forgive myself and be a little gentler with my wording. It’s tough, we’ve only been apart for a few months and I literally have to look in the mirror and tell myself not to give him anymore time in my head today and that I am worth far more. I hope that you can find a way to do the same. Above all, love yourself first and the rest will start to happen.

Reply

Dawn, “ that is carrying their weight for them.”. (Heart and Spirits)

Exactly!!! Message from a man. It still is carrying tons in me.and I struggle to remove it whole because how I was treated “hide me under the bus” Scroll far down and read my last post (Far end. not middle ) Long one. That explains what we went thru. Sadly she do not understand what she had placed us because of her relative religious bullshits. Lying. List go on. Everything fake! I proudly showed her around the world while she hide me under the bus with excessive exceptions . How would you feel when you go thru like that!?! Ex lack reflection! All by herself! I was treated like doormat or poodle boy whenever she “need” me! . Sadly I used to have respects, patiences, and faith with positive beliefs all crashed since 2017 after revealed she dating around. I pushed my own children my own family away for few months. Hibernate for few months. Feel lost. Motivation lost. Thank to some of friends, my mother, and my children had patience and faith to see old John back. It’s coming. Not out of the wood yet but we are getting stronger than ever. No blame game. I own my mistake for letting myself in from the first place. I should have kept my boundary to go slow and see how it pans out. Ex told me she want relationship not friend. Geez. I found her hearts/spirits, gave my heart out to her and went for it. Fast forward After exit car toward store she ran away from me and was terrified!!! SHE WAS VERY TERRIFIED! She shouldn’t live in fear like that! Thought someone stalked her turn out not after that I demoted from relationship to friendship until she fix her issues and so was mine. I was heavily overwhelm with hefty situation and had to unload some. I visited her with no conditions or terms. Ex except her terms! Those traits was red flag. I ignored. I should have walked out after I broke her up and not look back. My mistake. i feel so idiot and sucker big time! Since September 2017 I haven’t visited my sister place. So they visit here instead. It was a LDR.

Take my (From man) word. Yes. It’s burden to carry those weight aftermath. Much worse than ex-wife!

Reply

You are not alone. Many of us go back to someone who us. I’ve done it a few times with the same person before finally seeing them for who they are and stopped all contact and no responding. Still miss that person even though they certainly don’t deserve it.

Reply

I love seeing this love and support <3 Thanks Christine 🙂 xo

Reply

Where can Ghostbusters be found? No t even in 911 directory!
😂😂😂 Humor aside…

Happened me twice and ghosted are f*cking cowards! Turned out infidelity. Ghost era can not be trusted! Even one is trying to outreach me thru her “chain of friends” and social media. Asking “Can you please just let go… completely let go blahs. Be being there’s power being stillness blahs” Not talk straight to me. I told them I want nothing of her. I must remind myself that she have her lying capabilities against HER OWN love ones. (Her own family). Not worth any of my time anymore! Thank for sharing about ghosted article. Yes it pain to have experience regardless “cowardly or professionalism” ghosted out of your life. To save yourself from any further pains (be brutally truth) once you realize they lack own reflection after your efforts of empathy. Start pay attention, SUSPECT or get out!. Red flag there! She’s COMPARING. Simple. She don’t care you anymore and already is lined up with someone new. She just making her efforts to negatively put you down (devalue/discard process). Of course being in love we are so blind-trusted in, sleepy until stenches dual shit/vomit hit the fan and it hurts worse than hell realize that she focus and know what she’s doing while you being tad, laid back, and confident in then is shot! Takes long time to heal. EXACT said in this article above. Well done. Natasha troops. Hugs.

Reply

Hello John. Thanks you for your comments.
I hope this helped you. Infidelity is never good. To me it just communicates disrespect. I have had that experience as well.
I agree that we must pay attention and yes live can blind us but sometimes the truth is screaming very loudly. We need to pay attention to that.
I wish you well and hope you remain strong. Thank you.

Reply

“It’s like putting a pile of crumbs together and calling it a cookie.” This is a wonderful turn of phrase; very helpful and very apt.

Reply

Hi Bettina.
I’m glad it helped you. 😊
Thank you for your comment.

Reply

Thank you for writing this heartfelt and true post, Linda. I am so grateful for Natasha, Tarane, Lorelle, you, and the PMS family, and reading this inspired me to come out of my own “silent and dark” voyeur place and share.

Today marks exactly two years since I found out that the man I loved completely, mind, body, heart and soul, was thoroughly unfaithful. My dreams of being the wife of a tall successful, handsome man were shattered. I felt soul-wrenching pain. Two years out, I still get “pain contractions”, as Natasha calls them, but I have healed considerably. I want to share what worked, and how what I read in your post today, Linda, made me realize how I may be able to get to the next “level” of healing and maybe find that soulmate connection I’ve dreamed of since I pretended I was Belle from Beauty and the Beast as a child.

Many of us click into this PMS website because we are hurting deeply, and we wanted to help ourselves, desperately. Going online, we had the strength to not go to the bar, the Tinder match, or even back to Work or to the Gym to escape facing our pain. There are so many ‘healthy’ places to go for comfort, like family and loved ones, or church. These did not work for me after my break up. Why is it that Natasha and her PMS blog did?

I think the reason lies under the fact that I fall into that (likely large) subset of humanity that feels relatively more deeply. Life is harder for these people. It’s been said many times elsewhere that the reality is that humans who feel deeply experience the lows of life more profoundly, but also the highs. To me, these Deep Feelers have a magic about them – an understanding of human experience, and a thirst to more deeply understand the human experience. Using the words of LM Montgomery in Anne of Green Gables, these humans “fly right up on the wings of anticipation” when life promises some good, and feel that “glorious” sensation of flying – of “soaring through a sunset”, and “drop down to earth with a thud” when expectations do not manifest. I love being around humans like this. These people love life – they get excited about little and big things – and to them, the soaring is worth the thud. I find them rarely, but connect with them deeply– they are my soul sisters and soul brothers.

Natasha and her tribe, to me, fit this mold. The metaphors, real language, deep understanding, and love without the veil of ‘professional’ help, are what helped me help myself.

When Natasha told me that my Ex “shat the emotional bed” and that the women he was sleeping with were “wearing the wet suit” that I had peed in when I was in the ocean – I was able to actually Laugh, when I was, (to quote Anne from Anne of Green Gables again) “in the depths of despair” and feeling that my life was “a perfect graveyard of buried hopes”. Maybe because I grew up with many brothers, pee and poo are always funny. But really – real, down to earth, metaphorical language like this – is what makes the posts of Deep Feelers like Natasha, Tarane, Lorelle, you Linda, and this tribe, wells with waters of healing.

From the time I read the anonymous email from the Other Woman detailing my Ex’s infidelity, I never saw him again, and eventually reached a place of No Contact. To do this, I used PMS tools. Here are some specific examples.

When I felt emotional pain and yearning for the Emotional Quadriplegic I lost, I found disgust. I imagined him looking like Jabba the Hutt from Star Wars having sex with other women. (I know! Gross, right!)

When I felt emotional pain and a desire to reach out for the man I lost, to call him, to text him like a psycho, I got onto my White Horse and found Dignity. To do this, I developed a White Horse meditation. I closed my eyes and imagined a warrior woman – a shining, beautiful, strong version of myself – the version I want to be – on a white horse, scooping up the shadowed, sad, suffering, crying, hopeless, lost version of myself up from the base of a tree in a dark wood, and carrying me with her as we gallop off to my own mind palace, replete with a fireplace, bathtub, stacks and stacks of books, looking out over an ocean. During the ride, I melt into the warrior woman, and use her strong rooted steady legs to find solace in this place – lighting my own temple fires.

When I felt emotional pain, I became aware of a state of Reverse Narcissism – or to me, thoughts about how I was not enough to excite true love in a man. I imagined a nasty little green gremlin on my shoulder saying these things, and brushing him away, telling him to just shut up. I am enough. There’s plenty of evidence to support that fact.

These things helped. But it was a process. For months (usually around my menstrual period) I would have weakness and call my Ex. This past week, I realized that I did not remember the digits of his phone number. But I still rarely go days without thinking of him. And I still dream about him. And still, to this day, I find myself being a very human little girl. On lonely desperate nights I will even go on Venmo to unblock him and stalk him (yes, Venmo stalking is a thing).

And dating for me has been a series of dumpster fires. Men have disappointed me repeatedly, and frankly, I’ve disappointed some men.

Bringing me to your post, Linda – your words (“I can see that the relationship went silent and dark because but he did not want a loving and mature relationship”) and Natasha’s (“emotionally un-potty trained adult”) made me reflect.

I am really ashamed to admit that last month, I ghosted someone.

We met at a barbecue. We had been texting. We had a nice dinner. Then I told him I was too busy to have dinner the next week. And never texted him again. My behavior did not settle well with me. I made excuses for myself. My father had a heart attack. Work was insane. I did tell him I was busy, didn’t I? The reality is that I was not mature. I was not and I am not yet ready for a mature and loving relationship. I am, to some extent at least, an emotionally unpotty trained adult! I may have learned how to not let the shit get lit on fire, but I’m still sitting in some. How do I clean up my own “emotional street”, as Natasha puts it.

I’ve come past the stage of surviving pain contractions, for the most part. I’ve gone to the Emotional Gym and learned to self soothe and almost re-parent and get through times of really tough emotional pain. But I’ve reached an impasse in my process of healing. If I want to find love, I need to not only be able to make myself feel better when others hurt me. I need to learn how to not put myself in situations where I Hurt myself and others. I need to learn to not shit my own emotional bed. This is going to be the next part of my journey now that I no longer have the constant distraction of pain contractions.

Cleaning your own emotional street. Taking responsibility for your own shit. Handling the life between your ears. Not blaming others for how you feel. Getting beyond coping emotionally and finding a place where you thrive emotionally. This is the hardest thing to do.

I took my Grandmother to see Little Women this weekend and a lump in my throat formed and tears rolled down my cheeks when I listened to the character Jo March say, “Women have minds and souls as well as hearts, ambition and talent as well as beauty, and I’m sick of being told that love is all a woman is fit for. But… I am so lonely.” I am fortunate to live in an age when women are not told as often that that love is all they are fit for – I’ve followed my ambition and talent down a very successful path. But I am so lonely.

Why is it that so many of us amazing, accomplished, strong women (and men!) find ourselves in relationship dumpster fires? We excel by society’s standards in so many arenas – professionally, physically, financially. But we find ourselves single, lonely, and miserable. I think it was Natasha said it was because accomplished people are used to things being controllable, hard and hurting – and this mindset often doesn’t work in romance – you can’t control humans like you can control data, and often hurt in romance does not equate with growth or goodness. I cannot tell you how many times in my life I have been disappointed by the broken relationally dysfunctional human behind the curtain when I got the chance to work with the Wizards of Oz I idolized. I worry I’ve become an admired figure and will let my mentees down when they find out how lost I feel, inside. How disappointed I am in myself for not having a husband and children at this phase of my life.

I need to find a place of acceptance and let go. How do I accept my situation and not feel like a lonely wreck? How do I cultivate an inner garden? How to clean my own emotional street so I do not keep CHOOSING to invest in people who treat me like an emotional ATM?

This is going to take practice. It is going to take time. It is going to involve taking stock of Tarane’s “Museum of Me” and dusting off the items and parts of me that I stored in the far back corners during the years that I searched for knights in shining armor to validate me and make me feel good. It is going to involve finding that little girl who Delighted in life. Realizing that loves comes in many forms besides committed relationships. Letting go of the dream that I am going to find a Beast and transform him into a handsome prince with my superficial Belle charm – embracing the “beauty is within” theme from my favorite Disney story, instead of trying to make handsome dogs meow. It is going to involve spending less time worrying about my forming wrinkles and silver hairs and more time letting my light shine and helping others.

This is going to be the hardest thing to do – cleaning my own emotional street. No one teaches us how to do this in school. And the time I spend working on my emotional self – it may, in the short term, detract from my ‘outward’ success. I need to train myself to have my own standards and reward myself for the inner work and let go of needing constant external rewards.

I think cleaning your own emotional street involves finding your own internal joys, lighting your own internal fires, and having Faith and Hope that while you feel like life is bringing you blow after blow – joys after joys are eventually going to come to match the sorrows. I’ve finally reached a place where I accept that this is going to take hard work, time and patience.

The insightful poet Rupi Kaur wrote,
“We need love not from men,
but from ourselves,
and from each other.
-medicine”.

I need to rewire my brain to not seek pleasure and true love and happily ever after, but instead to seek connection. Like you said, Linda – “Natasha has created this amazing place for us to come together and heal through connecting with each other. We do not have to struggle here.”

Today is a new moon. We can’t see it because it’s too close to the sun. But because the sky is darker, we can see other celestial objects easier. Thanks PMS tribe for helping me find stars when the night is dark. Time to hit the emotional Gym. Let’s do this together!

Reply

Kelly. Big impression you realize mistakes at your own. (Reflection) That brutally truth part is hard to swallow. Hard to accept fact it happened. (Resentments/regrets/bitters) Redefine boundaries and denials. We have to realize the fact who person actually is. No one can change the person you hope in a positive way. Give it some time or chances and person continue to make same old excuses/lying around/god-feared/secrecy/other bullshits Nothing changes. (Word/Action not match) Worst part after reveal the agony truth of person you thought you know/trusted turn out the worse. (Betray/cheated/treachery). Lastly I’m in belief with “us/our/we” not “ I/me/my” lesson learned when person use excess I/me/my needs and wants without or rare using we/us/ours. (Imbalances). Clear red flags! My experience whenever there lacks we/us/ours friendship/relationship is doomed! It’s an obviously a “conditions & terms” of oneself interest and difficult to compromise at all. Me yes. You no. You are fessing up and share your experience with us. You are appreciated. In the future whosoever come up into your life and you feel he’s not a priority for any reason. Be upfront and take it slow or let him go if he’s in rush. That way you won’t feel guilty for ghost him out. I upfronted to my exes. That part I do not feel guilty! The worst part it angers me that being upfront enable them opportunities to abuse trust. I’d rather walk over solid stone concrete than walk over egg shell. You know the answer. Just be true of self. Like Natasha preach us “You’re the CEO”. Being CEO with I/me/my terms. There’s no way company will success. NO MORALE NO TEAMWORK! CEO believe in we/us/ours company running smooth. Morale and teamwork great. Pretty similar concept apply in friendship/relationship. In my opinion. Hey I’m not a certified counselor. My experience to chime in. Of course some may seem so psychologic (confusion) till you get to sentiments.

Reply

Dear John, Thank you so much for your kind reply. I love the concept of the importance of “us/our/we” and friendship in romance. It is going to take some time for me to rewrite my usual romance macro, the one that allows “spark” and attraction to supersede warm, fuzzy, healthy, goodness and friendship when it comes to choosing a man. Hard to do when so many of our favorite stories show “forever” after just a small, strong initial pleasurable attraction. Going to involve following the internal compass and gut feelings and choosing relational vegetables over fast food. Again, I feel so appreciated. Thank you. -Kelly

Reply

Hello Kelly.
Wow! I am first flattered by your comments. I am glad this post provided help and some support for you. I have to say though that I am blown away by your post. I am sorry that your ex was so hurtful but when I read your words, it’s clear that you were the emotionally intelligent one. It seems like you were too much woman for him in more ways then one. s I have read here in one of Natasha’s posts, anyone can basically play the part. Any idiot can buy the ring or play house but it takes a real adult to do the day to day relationship. It is not always going to be easy and romantic because life is not that way. I’m not sure what happened for him to take up with someone else but it does not matter. He is on his own now and so is she with her used bathing suit. 😊. You hav already done the hard work. You got through it. I too have pain and I do struggle but not as bad. I still think of him but he does not occupy my mind as he once did. Please give yourself credit and realize that you have traveled a long road. Keeep your head up and stay on that white horse. It seems as though you have a good grasp on the rein. If you fall just get up. You have this tribe and I am sure so much more as you described.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I’m very touched. Take care of yourself first. I wish you all good things. Be well.

Reply

Linda… so proud of you and happy that you had the chance to post on this topic. I hope this message finds you well my dear. Blessings upon blessings to you soul sister.
Much love and respect.
Vicki
#whitehorsewarriors

Reply

Hello Vicki,😊😍 so nice to read your comments.
Thank you so much. I am still in my horse 🦄.
I hope all good things are happening for you. This was a wonderful experience and a privilege for me.
I feel very lucky. Thank you again. Be well. 🌸💕😘

Reply

I feel like there is a lot I would like to say about this but ultimately, thank you. This piece is perfect, especially during a time when things don’t seem perfect. Thank you for writing about topics in a way that helps others know that although the process of going through something like this may feel like you are a crazy mess, you’re not and just remembering that. Thank you 🙂

Reply

Hello Sam.
You are welcome and thank you for your kind words.
I know of what young speak. I hope it helps. I often feel like I am a little bit of a mess but nobody is a perfect person. We are all a work in progress. As long as we are trying to take care of ourselves, odd, mind and soul we are doing well.
Thank you again for your kind words. Be well. 🌸

Reply

Yep, they come back. Two years ago I was here on PMS writing about someone who sounds just like this – things were going well for months, then he started fading out. I called him out on it, he denied it but didn’t try to correct it, strung me along for months, reaching out and then ignoring me until I decided enough. I didn’t hear from him but he would stalk my social media until I blocked him. This past Christmas he reached out after two years. What joke. I guess the grass wasn’t greener. I stayed on the White Horse. He will never hear from me again.

Reply

Hello Kim.
Yes! They do return without hesitating. It never ceases to amaze me but like I said, they do not have hesitation or any consideration for the other person. They come at the times that mean the most to others like Christmas, birthdays, weekends, you name it they come out. I have concluded it may be because those are the times for togetherness and so if you are someone who keeps disappearing, you probably have nobody meaningful to spend these times with. They are lonely so they want to spend time or get attention from someone but when the moment passes, they leave again. It’s sad. I think it is great that you stayed on your white horse! 😊. You sound very strong and positive. Stay on your white horse and do not forget your value. Be well and thank you for your comments. I appreciate it. 😍🌸💕

Reply

Linda, Regarding to disappear or ghost you mentioned is accurate! There’s few more id like to chime in from my experience. There is few other reasons for disappear or ghost out.

1) Something serious bad they not want to face or want you to know. (Very common according to majority divorce lawyers or counselors). Eventually truth be told later on.

2) Could be coward to fess up with you after reveal something they don’t like about you or not wish to further COMMUNICATE with you for obvious reasons. “I don’t have time for this-attitude”. Disrespect. Avoid round by round/bullheads. Etc. Silent treatment (toxic). Gold diggers. Given you up. Comparing around. Etc.

3) That ONE may be with non-purpose reasons such as death, collapse in health ailments, disconnected due to psychic vampire. Etc. I want to share you my experience below.

Lastly. (My experience from one of my ex) I was drained out (psychic vampire) and crash into major depression. That time I did not know the right word for that (from friend) until after I revealed ex dating around few months later after a surprise planned visit. I sought hardest I can to stay afloat and positive but things did not add up right. Because before that visit everything has to be planned beforehand!!! Trust betrayed. ZERO reflection of what she have done to me with extreme high exceptions and doubts. Smothered the shit out of me. That part did triggered communication collapse. Not meant to ghost out SHE DO KNEW I WENT THRU MANY OTHER MAJOR OBSTACLES THAT I HAD TO DEAL THAT TIME. I UPFRONTED HER. .(Ugly-continuing divorce proceed after judgment from ex wife, my father death, my brother future fate, my children difficulties, my both shoulder surgeries, and etc) it was so overwhelm at that time. I do not know how bad or good behavior was this? But ex did not bother to wish me HBD or check on me aftermath the last communication Silent……. SHE EXCEPT RELATIONSHIP ST TUS NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW! THAT SHE HAVE NOT GOT HER OWN ISSUES RESOLVED! she do knows that I excepted her words and actions to match first before we go further that she hide me under the bus since day one WHILE I PROUDLY SHOWED HER AROUND THE WORLD! Excuses. Blahs. When I visited out of 6 weekish We only get to see 3-5 times out of those weeks. About 2 hours average. Not even allow me over her house. Fortunately my relative lives there for me to stay. She never visit my home state! According to my counselor it was clear sign of triangular and comparing other patterns which is extreme toxic. When I’m more clear and realize clear purpose. I did fell off a horse and gave her a taste of lesson AND REVEALED TRUTH. Likewise I mentioned on previous response about what I heard “gossip blahs”. If whatsoever she claim that she’s happy/want let of go blahs. If true. That’s good that because truth had altered their behaviors and I am 100% sure that she regret for her “god-fear” bullshits! To free her from oppression base on god feared bullshit from her own family. If it turn out to loving family of theirs? That’s good! Good for them! Unfortunately I’m dealing with angers of betrayal/cheated/treachery and no worth because I was upfronted to her. Reason it was hard to let of go because I loved her affections and spirits. For some reason I sense there may be “telepathy” to each other? It’s sad that she allowed her god feared l, his me under the bus,and lying in the way and ruined everything. Especially her sharing our sacred love to else is unacceptable and extreme disrespect. She told me I’m the only one she love me and will give it time. I trusted her. Bullshit. She found someone else because of attractions, emotional, and her selfish one self with “needs and wants”. Convenient to her. “Chose him over me”. All so convenient to her. Guess what. It turn out future faker to her. Again Big Question. Did she taste her karma for what she did to her love ones???????? I don’t seek any relationship since that. I heed my counselor advice to suspend until I find clear define. Now see why my angers lingers since. Now I’m more better than before. Hope my fess up bit deeper on this will release my angers.

Take those look. Those are clear obviously cowards, deceitful, and selfish thing to ghost out or disappear.Even disrespect abandoned. Anyone cowardly disappear and ghost out do seem to receive sweet karma. Big Question. Do they get it!?! A good taste of karma and a good reflection whats done. Unfortunately in rare case (maybe weird) that I just shared with y’all?

Feeling better to share with y’all and very glad that this article came out into lighting. I re-read and made sure I understand all of it. Thank you.

Reply

John, it sounds like you give your whole heart. That is a good thing but most people out here do not understand what that entails. I have been in situations you describe. I was so sad I could not get up but I did because at some point we have to.
I decided I’m not changing that about myself. Men that I date can accept it or walk away. You seem to have come far so stay focused. People who are deceitful or game players are not worthy of a mature relationship until they clean up their side of the street and do some thinking about what they want and what they can give.
Just stay on your path. I would rather be by myself then spinning my wheels with someone who is emotionally bankrupt.
Be well and thank you again.

Reply

Thank you for this post. It’s been almost two years since I went to bed feeling happy, safe and loved only to wake up to a total blindside break up. We never ugly fought, in two years of living together, always talked things through. Just a month earlier he had looked at me with tears in his eyes and a smile on his face and said “I’ve never had any doubts about us not one”…and a month later he was gone, with very little explanation other than “I just got scared”. and he is a ghost. He still haunts me because I keep wondering “was any of this real?”. How could I have missed so much? How could I have been in so in love and happy with someone who clearly was just a facade because you cannot turn love off like a switch, but that is what he did.
So it helps to read something that tries to explain how he could just disappear a month after seeming so happy and in love with me. I do NOT and WILL not ask him for any further explanations. I have most definitely stayed on my white horse, no contact at all. No social media stalking even though I know he is on his second girl friend after me (small town, some info is unavoidable),
But understanding his motives helps me take the blame off of me. It helps me rid myself of the terrible doubts I had about my own judgement. It helps me realize I am the lucky one because I DO know how to love someone, honestly and fully. Thank you.

Reply

Hello Lane.
I’m glad that this helped you. It sounds like you have gained a lot of strength even though the experience was painful.
It is interesting how we can emerge from such an experience with great strength. You are much better off not having any contact with this person. As Natasha has pointed out, narcissistic people seem to be able to find someone else but to me it’s just a place holder until they repeat the same behavior. You are the lucky one but, the next person you meet will be truly lucky and blessed because they will have a strong person who knows what they want and is capable of giving of themselves without a game taking place. You are an inspiration 😊.
Stay strong and just keep moving forward. You and your white horse seem to be doing very well.
Thank you very much for your comments. I appreciate them. Be well and remember how unique you are.
😘💕🌸🦄

Reply

Laine. Your story is heart-wrench. I understand your sentiment completely. I was told “you are mine and I will not want anyone but you and won’t look for one but you. I’ll give you some time to find self”. Blahs. I TRUSTED on her. Turns out pure bullshits and the worst part is that she hid me under the bus whenever I visit there. Lack quality time together. Those red flags I ignored. That why she loved me so deeply What an idiot sucker and feeble brain I had!?! Guess what? I chimed in a brilliant suggestion regarding establish a service for deaf blind community. She loved that. Plus I freed her fear of her family oppression (after revealed her betray/cheat. That one I fell off a horse) . This is the reason she’s happy therefore I fail to see “change” she claim to. I still see the core and it’s still there! “Blame blame others not me”. “He is taking an advantage of me I’m a doormat bullshits” WITHOUT realize those good deeds I did to her! Especially her under age children that she lying around her relative, putting them at risk, that was part of reason of break up and demotion tobfriendship to accommodate under her weird circumstances of situations until she fix those issue of hers! How very considerable person I was!?! In my opinion it’s just a facade of “happy”. “ I’m a perfectionist”. Refuse to admit her consequence mistake. NOT EVEN ONE! Lastly Likewise on other articles Natasha had wrote such. It’s perfectly accurate. Especially what Irena wrote above “. . In my experience, people with little emotional maturity have very poor long term memories, and they get very confused when you respond to silence with silence.” paragraph. EXACTLY! EXACTLY I EXPERIENCED FROM BOTH EXES! I have done A LOT OF GOOD DEEDS FOR HER, HER FAMILY BEING, FREE HER FROM OPPRESSION, AND “SEEDED” HER BRIGHT FUTURE FOR THE DEAF BLIND COMMUNITY! What do I get? Blame, cheated, destroy me with another guy, punishment, and still in her own denial. She is a coward to face TRUTH because of above and impose silent treatments unless her conditions and terms are met!

I thank Natasha, her troops, my counselor (back in 2017. ***She was very bitch and straight forward counselor that I excepted truthfully sessions regardless I like to hear or not. That I have high respect for and fond of her!.), family/friends, varieties of religious, and 12 Step program to pull me through and to heal pathway.

*** I rather to have counselor that is STRAIGHTFORWARD! Not those who are weak counselors that would soft on you and too subtle or full of shit! No offense pun that the sentiment I mean. That said should any of you seek counselor. Chose HIGH QUALITY ONE! You won’t be disappointed! Guaranteed! Do NOT (under any circumstance) go to any counselor that YOU do not feel fit in with or not respect your culture or whatever. I had to change few because of that reason. Listen to your instinct!

Thank God for this post and PMS! Should this free me of my resentments. Natasha and troops will be in my debt! This is a GODSEND post!

Reply

I’m so happy that you love this post as much as I do John <3 You are never alone. We are all with and behind you; thank you for being a part of this tribe 🙂

Reply

Dear Linda, Thank you so much, again for your post, and for this loving reply. Thanks for reminding me to take care of myself first and realize how far I’ve come. Much easier to hold on to the reins when you know you have others cheering for you and supporting you. I’m so glad to hear that your ex does not occupy your mind as he once did – here’s to traveling down that hard road on our White Horses, separately, but together. With much heart, -Kelly

Reply

Linda,

Thank you so much for this heartfelt post. What a sincere and loving resource you have been and continue to be for people in pain. I think it’s so important that you pointed out that part of the struggle is truly believing that being ghosted is not really about the person being ghosted. It’s so hard to not take it personally, as a rejection of who you are, especially after you have been physically and emotionally intimate with the ghoster.

I absolutely loved this part of your post: “My experience is that they are rejecting a part of themselves. The emotional part. The part built to feel true emotion. You were a mirror and triggered this part. And since they are incapable of following through, they have to do what is easiest and most convenient for them: disappear.”

That absolutely nails it. We are all mirrors, and others will see their reflection in us simply because we exist. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom.

And I totally agree — it is best to go no contact. This post is so helpful and practical because it shows that you don’t have to be “over it” or be totally together to make the decision to have your own back and ghost the person right back. You can do it even if you are heartbroken at the same time. In my experience, people with little emotional maturity have very poor long term memories, and they get very confused when you respond to silence with silence. And the very best question a ghost could possibly ask is: who actually ghosted who? 👻 👻

Thanks again for this piece. There is so much love here.

xo,

Irena

Reply

Irena, Thank you very much. Excellent insight. “Immature” you said. You hit home run! Scored for the A’s! Homer! Homey! Yes it is hard to cope with it especially heartbroken, reject-unworthy and esteem destroy. After reveal betrayal, cheated, infidelity, and treachery. No contact with ex is much more hell than ex-wife of 25 (35 total) years vs 2.5 (1/1.5 total) years with ex. Unbelievably! To rebuild takes lot of time and efforts but I’m getting there. Hope out of wood soon. Thank you.

Reply

Hello Irena.

Thank you so much ch. I am flattered by your sweet comments.
You are so very kind. It took a while to realize that ghosting is was about him and not me. It’s much easier to blame yourself instead of putting blame on them.

You are correct in regards to maturity. If I think back, there were signs that maturity was lacking in other areas. There were flags but of course I ignored them. Lesson learned😊. We do have to have our own back and at times it’s hard to do but it is necessary and it is another way to take care of our hearts.

No contact is either said than done but it is like a suit of armor to me. You are spot on when you talk about poor long term memories. I know that my ex has a completely different version of what led us to where we are today. Maybe that is a way of coping, I’m not sure. Just know that the no contact is best.

Thank again Irena. Your comment moments are full of love and I so appreciate that.
I hope you are well and that your new year is full of wonderful things.
Be well.

Xoxo 😘🦄🌸💕

Reply

Thank you, Linda and Natasha. Natasha’s first column on ghosting helped me get over my relationship with my first narcissistic psychopath.
Now a second man I fell for has ghosted me, twice, over the past nine months, and the heartache is here again, but not as bad, for I am partially blaming myself for being colorblind to the red flags…and I must cut him out of my life, too…I don’t deserve this.
Linda, all you explain about the ghosters is true. The question remaining for me is, why do I seem to consistently choose men for relationships that end up this way? I had a marriage of 21 years where I was a doormat, then a boyfriend for 18 years who was never emotionally available, cheated on me (as did my ex-husband), and I ended that one. So the next two men seemed sincerely interested (when they were woth me) but ended up being ghosters. I now recognize from your columns that these were “transactional” relationships – when we were together, they were “all in,” it seemed…them I was eventually the only one communicating.
I am 61 years old now, still have my intelligence, my looks (for awhile), and an amazing amount to offer…but trust me when I tell you, the pool of men who are real, as well as physically attractive, emotionally available, and honest is more of a puddle, drying up in the sun.
So, moving forward, how do we shield ourselves from future ghosters? I think we may need to take a little more responsibility toward educating ourselves about personality types, human nature, and our own weaknesses to help avoid them. My mother never warned me about narcissists, or men with low self respect for themselves or women … These are hard lessons to learn on your own. Those of us who are trusting, kind and giving are easy prey for these types. So… Have I just concluded to myself that I must be kind, trusting, and giving to MYSELF ONLY, — and be untrusting, unkind and selfish toward everyone in potential relationships in self+defense? It’s a little hard to have someone hold you in their arms to figure that out while you’re sitting astride a white horse…
That said, I have horses, and trust me, that’s the safest place to be.
Terri

Reply

Hi Terry.
Thank you for your comments and for sharing. I’m not sure we will ever have all the answers but I can speak for myself in saying that I did not always listen to my instinct or pay attention to the flags. I think now you have this knowledge that Natasha has given to all of us and the experiences we have all shared here to help you. You must decide what is best for you. I think we are vulnerable anytime we get to try and know someone or involve them in our life. I am more conscious now and I have learned age has nothing to do with ghosting. It happens to many different people of many ages. Don’t blame yourself for being kind but have boundaries as Natasha says and respect yourself. Keep your white horse close and remain positive. You probably are stronger than you think and strength and independence makes other people nervous.
Keep coming to this wonderful place and I’m sure you will grow as I have. Be well. Thank you again.
🌸💕🦄😍

Reply

Dear Terri,

As your comment mentioned sound similar as one of my almost-life long friend. Not in frequent connection. Anyway. She is few years older than me and is a Vice President of a big company. Yes she is very independent,workcholic, and stay busy all the time within her own life. She is an attractive and very physically attracted. She have went thru some rough times including a ghosted our ex husband. Out of blue. I don’t know how she have her strength to overcome and again she is a strong person. Maybe tough? 😂. I have high respect of her because her bold-truths, and a sweet person BUT I would be SCARE to be in relationship with her because of cultural difference and I don’t think I’m any of physically attractive to her. So friendship is best route. Likewise you mentioned physically attractive and honesty dudes are hard find nowadays maybe you need to try to lessen exceptions? Example. Say. Kim Kardashina. She got god gift bubble ass, curvy, thick, and all beauties vs unknown that don’t match what Kim have but is far more attraction to be with. Which one would you chose? Would you sleep in confidence trusting a model star wont cheat you? (Considering millions men lined up wanting her!?!). The most part to find a honest strong person is extreme hard find nowadays! As it seem that some of us have good battery that they need “recharge” out from us then dump once they are fueled up to move on. Result? They don’t last on the other hand depend the situation of different relationship that some of us did “seeded” fondness into them that impact their lives better. Yes that hurts more than hell that you proved your love and they hid you under the bus and treat bad to you till they ghosted out. For that reasons why I became so angry to god because I feel that I’m assigned into relationshit with future fakers that I fell off from horse and “teach them the taste of lesson of truth” after reveal betrayal/cheated of trust regardless friendship/relationship status that later impacted better their life. All combine this PMS, counselors, 12 Steps, and others helped me to recognize our mistakes. This is clear example why PMS encourage stick on white horse and stand on your ground. Let those losers go. Let their sweet karma take care of them. This “ghosted” article DID RELEASE my angers and resentments since I read this article. Now how do we avoid getting hurt from ghosted no matter you or him or both? I introspected how can that be avoided!?! I saw ….. Shit there was lot of tell tales or red flags that we ignored until we are ghosted out. Also introspect YOURSELF to why ghosted out hurts you more than hell!?! Or trauma from past ghosted? (Your childhood?) You will find your culprit why you fear being ghosted out. Now that part I’m trying to figure how not to get agony-hurts-pains after being ghosted out in the future. Again, you will see why “to love yourself” is in an order! Maybe easy in your case? My case, not an easy thing due to one of my dual disability. Lastly as you mentioned about 61/beauty? Really? Sound like you are pretty woman and age is taking your beauty away? I highly doubt. There’s lot of horny old people out there! 😂😂😂. You will find good hunk-stud dude of your dream. Physically attracted or not when it comes to heart you found one? Only if you allow the higher university to do the magic of unknowns Go with flow not go with force flow 🙄🤷‍♂️ . 😇. Regards. John.

Reply

Great Job Linda! Well done!! Totally right about everything you said.

xx

Reply

Hello Keiwa

Thank you so much! I’m so glad you read this post. I really appreciate you taking the time to do so.
I just wanted to try and help and encourage others here in the tribe.

Be well and thank you again.
😘🌸🦄💕

Reply

I loved this article!
Great job Linda, and I love, as always, Natasha’s description of an emotional bed sh*tter, it made me chuckle and shake my head as it is so accurate.

I hope you are both doing great!

I am post a year and a half of leaving my “friend” and that job behind and I am so much better.
I still try to make sense of it sometimes only cause the situation and him were so bizarre, it’s like I have PTSD or something.
But I’ve stayed on my White Horse and NOT ONCE ever asked about him or reached out or frequented any where he could be. I feel so at peace and honestly the thought of him makes me sick.

Love to you both, and to everyone struggling with this. Hang in there, there will be a day when it turns around.
I went thru hell and back, it was the worst situation of my life but I felt the pain and made it thru with the help of this tribe!
I look forward to your book Natasha!
Love Christine xox

Reply

Thank you so much for sharing Christine. Truth be told, your beautiful comment made me feel less ashamed, and powerless in a difficult time that I found myself in today. So proud of and happy for you.

Thank you for being a part of this tribe 🙂 I’m happy that you loved this post as much as I do. And LOL I was laughing while writing that quote.

All my love to you soul sister. xoxo

Reply

Hello Christine.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

I am so glad to hear that you made it through a very hard time. We do come out the other side eventually but while we are going through the experience, it is difficult to think we will. I have been there way too much.

You should be so proud of yourself for keeping your self respect and maintaining a boundary by staying on your white horse. I do believe it is a powerful message to that person who you were involved with but also to others around you. Mostly it is best for you. I have no doubt you will stay strong and the future is bright for you.

Thank you again and be well. 😘🦄🌸💕

Reply

Natasha!
Wowza! I just saw your engagement photo!
Congratulations! You’re a beautiful soul deserving of this!
I couldn’t be happier for you
🥰❤️💎

Reply

Thanks Christine! 🙂 That (and you) means the world to me. Love you. xox

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *