No matter how much it’s rationalized and explained, being friend zoned sucks. And trying to figure out how to get out of the friend zone when you’ve been through it so many times that you’ve acquiesced to the identity of “professional friend,” isn’t worth it because at that point, what’s the point?
Figuring out how to get out of the friend zone seems impossible because the friend zone is, in and of itself, an impossible situation.
The friend zone is built upon the foundation of an unwavering discrepancy in feelings – whether both parties are aware of this, or just one.
In the friend zone, there’s generally an abundance of auditioning on your end, an abundance of receiving on his end and a painful lack of the kind of connection necessary for more than “just friends.”
The whole process of being perpetually friend zoned catered so well to my fears, belief system and insecurities, it literally robbed me of an identity. I had no authenticity left and got resigned to the emotional sidelines of a story that should have been recognized as MY life.
What else was there to do other than waste more time looking for someone to “make me happy” and “complete” me?
Because of past “friend zone” impositions, I couldn’t take care of my own emotional needs. So, I went out into the world, trying to be this “BFF with massive potential,” hoping to find a human bandage for the emotional cancer of “I am not enough.”
Although the friend zone does indicate an obvious lack of connection, if you’re wondering how to get out of the friend zone, there are things you can do to ensure that you don’t end up in that awkward, embarrassing, self-esteem-obliterating zone again.
Here’s how to get out of the friend zone (for good!) in 5 easy steps…
+ I think it’s important to note that the 5 steps for how to get out of the friend zone also provide explanation as to why you repeatedly get friend zoned in the first place.
I’ve been friend zoned so many times in my life and wasn’t able to put an end to it until I acknowledged (in a non-reverse-narcissistic way), that I was the subconsciously engaging in patterns that essentially tattooed “please friend zone me,” on my forehead.
Here’s how to get out of the friend zone + why you repeatedly get friend zoned:
Stop taking out the sh*ttiest insurance policy on rejection.
It’s been said that the best relationships start out as friends and while this can be true to an extent, I used to take that and run with it to a level that sabotaged me at every corner. I was so focused on building the friendship and being a good, dutiful and patiently waiting “friend,” I couldn’t see how much it was obliterating the potential that I claimed to be after.
You can’t work so hard on being a great friend and then be shocked that you’re ultimately viewed as such.
Why did I do this? I couldn’t see it back then, but now looking back, it was because of safety. My fear (and desperation for a rejection shield), had begun to outweigh the vulnerability that’s necessary to have the kind of connection that I was so hungry for. I figured as long as we were “friends,” if anything went wrong, it wouldn’t be as bad of a rejection or hurt as much if he recoiled. I mean, it’s not like we were bf and gf or anything… Right?
If you engage in this mentality and pattern long enough, “friendship” will start to have this ambiguous definition that will cause far more pain than pleasure. It also makes you a sitting duck for friends with benefits/f*ck buddy territory.
How to get out of the friend zone? Stop friend zoning yourself.
You can’t construct an environment that makes hitting a home run impossible and then tie your worth to hitting a home run in spite of conditions. If you’ve built a friendship with someone where you’re meeting all of their needs in the name of “being-a-friend-that-he-HAS-TO-eventually-see-as-more,” that doesn’t mean that you’re on your way to Happily Ever After. It means that you’re in friendsh*t territory (& friend zoning yourself).
You’re making sure that all of his needs are met in hopes of him waking up one day and suddenly viewing you in a different light. The only need that you’re getting met is the subconscious need to validate, solidify and affirm that no matter how hard you try, how much you give and how much you love… it’s not enough. YOU’RE not enough. This then becomes so much more about winning and tying your worth to being chosen, in spite of the triangulation that your insecurities have constructed.
Throw out the “too nice” belief & know where your power is.
Bottom line: you don’t get friend zoned because you’re “too nice,” that doesn’t make any sense and in my opinion, it’s a lame excuse. One of the main reasons you wind up in the friend zone is because you tolerate being door-matted/used in the name of baseless hope. You can’t act a certain way that negates the very thing you’re hoping for and then expect the other person to just combust into a psychic and act accordingly. And if you already have a knowingness in your gut that there’s a lack of connection on his end, why set yourself up for a crumb diet while you’re running on all the emotional credit you have left just to make sure you can supply 10 loafs?
I’ve always tried to be a nice person, but it wasn’t until I took the time to investigate my own passions, focus on and invest in myself, that I was able to figure out how to get out of the friend zone for good. The outcome? I failed a hell of a lot more than I succeeded, but I became so much more dimensional than just “nice.”
There’s so much more to you than “nice.”
You can’t just be a nice person, go to a yoga class and walk out an expert yogi with everyone asking you for a demonstration. Making the decision to be an expert yogi is great, but without the work, dedication and execution, you’ll never get there. You need to find what it is that drives and interests you (besides trying to get a cat to bark and then tying your worth to it continuing to meow).
Dive into what feeds your spirit – nurture it, learn everything that there is to know about it, execute it and reach a point of expertise in which you begin to feel the kind of confidence that no one can EVER take away. Figure out how to give that gift back and share it with the world in a way that no one else can. Become your own best friend/biggest fan first and you won’t be as inclined to hold onto the friendsh*t blanket for dear life.
Auditioning vs. Connecting.
I’ve written about the consequences of auditioning before and it’s the one thing that will directly destroy any chances of having a mutual, loving, honest and connected relationship. Auditioning and connection can never coexist because auditioning is the offspring of avoidance (and you can’t connect while actively avoiding). When you’re perpetually preoccupied with how you’re coming across and checking all of his boxes, you inhibit an authentic connection – or having the judgement to see if it even exists. You also make the lack of connection into something personal when really, it’s never personal – there’s just no connection. Focus on connecting INSTEAD of how you look and are coming across. The more you make connecting your priority, the less you’ll make a potential lack of connection all about you and your short comings.
What’s the use?
I used to cater to and give so much in the name of “must-prove-that-I-am-worthy-of-more-than-just-friends,” it became pointless for the guy to ever WANT to be more than friends.
When you give someone the benefits of having a relationship with you, without the actual relationship, why do you think they’re ever going to want to deviate from the status quo? They’re getting all of their needs met without having to meet any of yours. It’s OKAY to communicate directly through your matching words and actions. The sky won’t fall, I promise.
& that’s how to get out of the friend zone.
If you’re mindful of the above, you will drastically cut your chances of being friend zoned. And even if you happen to find yourself there again, you’ll no longer feel the need to take up permanent residence. Why? Because you’re not acting from a place of ambiguity, contradictions and taking it personally.
I’ve been busy working on videos, downloads, figuring out the upcoming podcast, my new personal site + book. Having so much fun and can’t wait to share it with you all!
Words will always fall short in expressing my appreciation for each and every one of you.
Hope that you have a great weekend! I’ve got a fun makeup post coming up next 🙂