Whether it was when I recently got ghosted by a girlfriend, or when I got fired from my first job, or when someone very close to me passed away before I got to say goodbye, or when a family member said something hurtful and then years later when I brought it up, “forgot,” or when I found something suspect on my boyfriend’s phone but couldn’t bring it up/get answers, or when I went through a breakup with who I thought was going to be my Happily Ever After… Figuring out how to get closure when there is such a gross LACK of it and such an abundance of cricket noise, has always been really tough majorly IMPOSSIBLE for me.

How can you really move on, feel at peace, forgive others, forgive yourself and let go when there’s no real closure and you have no idea how to get closure?

Easy! YOU CAN’T.

Save yourself the future embarrassment, psycho labeling, FBI-OCD-must-get-closure-now stalking, searching, pain, guilt, self blame & mind f*cking madness – I’m going to break down why you want closure, the effects of not getting closure and how to get closure when you have none in 15 super simple, straight forward steps.

 Why do we even want closure?

  1. Instead of being picky with what matters (your thoughts & beliefs, the story in your head that you keep subscribing to, quality partners, mutual relationships, etc.), you’re closure picky.  You convince yourself that unless you get the specific closure according to the standards that you’ve set in your own delusion, you’ll never be able to move on. While it’s totally normal to want an answer/resolution in order to feel like we can move forward, you take it to an unhealthy level by remaining in a state of fear-based-paralysis-stagnation until you get that specific “closure” (which, even if you got according to all of your specificities, never actually leads to a feel-good, “ending.” It generally leads to more drama, more bullsh*t, low self esteem, rejection & even more confusion than before).
  2. You’re a closure hunter and a professional, self-inflicting pain seeker. You should have your own show on The Discovery Channel. Instead of hunting in the wild, you go “hunting” for pseudo closure on Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Dating Apps, etc. You convince yourself that you’re doing a good thing; you need to go “hunting” to attain closure and you have no other option or choice. It actually has the opposite effect though. By “hunting,” you just find more and more reasons to feel pain and then by default, further blame yourself and invest emotionally.
  3. Escapism. Plain & simple. Hunting for closure is a total escape and a form of avoidance. As long as you can busy up your time with the closure hunting, you don’t have to face dealing with your emotions and moving on. You keep yourself busy by taking care of and bandaging the proverbial paper cuts on your hands all while not addressing the fact that you have cancer.
  4. You want to be right & you want the other person to recognize and acknowledge that they did you wrong. 
  5. You want them to empathize with you and see it from your side. You also may need them to give you closure so you can feel less guilty/bad about yourself. 

The effects of not getting closure:

  1. As long as you can convince yourself that the other person holds the key to your closure door, you give yourself a license to continue to remain invested. I did this in the past because: I wasn’t ready to let go of the relationsh*t, I was scared to move on and accomplish anything in my own life, it was much easier to allow someone else to have all of the power because mine had been depleted, I had endured too much and they “owed” it to me, etc.
  2. As long as I was still awaiting a “resolution” and didn’t know how to get closure, I didn’t have to fully invest with anyone else, including myself (read: get hurt again/abandoned again/FAIL again).  
  3. Because I needed closure and couldn’t cut the cord on my own, I became addicted to seeking validation and attention from the very people who I needed to give me closure. This not only made me look weak, it was embarrassing because I translated through my actions that I needed someone to grant me the peace I couldn’t provide for myself.
  4. Self Blame. As long as you continue to seek closure from someone who is void of empathy or from a situation that you had no control over, your ONLY option is to further blame yourself and erode your self esteem. Remember – being a closure hunter and humiliation go hand-in-hand.
  5. In my quest to figure out how to get closure, I was consciously AVOIDING real closure. I comfortably resided under the umbrella of “closure,” so that I could essentially have to avoid using my own judgement and trusting my gut. I never truly wanted to get the real closure that I claimed to because I knew that if I ever got that kind of resolution, I’d have to let go, feel my feelings, deal with the pain, address my own issues and move on. “Closure hunting” had thus become my adult pacifier.

HOW TO GET CLOSURE WHEN YOU HAVE NONE

  1.  If you find yourself in a situation where the other person treated you with a consistent lack of respect, honesty, kindness, loyalty and love, DO NOT try to get closure from them. You will just end up being made to look and feel crazy. Remember – you don’t need closure from anyone. You want it. You CAN provide it for yourself without having to engage with the very people who have hurt and disrespected you.
  2. Understand that closure hunting ALWAYS involves getting off of your white horse and you never want to do that because you can then no longer act in dignity and be the one that got away.
  3. Want to know how to get closure? Provide the closure for yourself by LISTENING to the ACTIONS of others instead of listening to empty words, lies & excuses. You’ll never get closure that you feel good about if you have to beg and plead it out of others. This is why they teach us in Kindergarten that actions speak louder than words – LISTEN to the actions of others and you’ll have all the closure that you need (while remaining on your white horse).
  4. I’ve learned that sometimes, you just can’t get the answers to all of your questions. Instead of humiliating myself in the process of trying to “figure out the truth” from someone that was unwilling to be honest with me (and themselves) in the first place, I began to answer my own questions and create my own resolutions by being okay with not knowing everything and grounding myself in what I DID know.
  5. Arguing with reality is the cockblock of acceptance (& closure!). If you are in a situation where you’re feeling guilty, blaming yourself and are no longer able to get the closure that you need for whatever reason, focus on feeling your feelings, processing what has happened and aim to stop arguing with reality.

You hold the key to that self imposed prison cell. You’ve got all of the answers; they’ve been with you all along.

– natasha x

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19 comments

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Natasha! Your posts always come at the perfect time. Thank you so much for this. This post gave me the closure that I was looking for. I have the power now to dictate my OWN closure! Ps- where is your dress from in your last Instagram post? I need to know!! You are so beautiful 😍💃🏻 Thanks!

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I agree with Giselle! The only one stopping myself from having closure is me, and it’s time for me to take control of my life and realize how much power I actually have in living the life of my dreams. Thank you so much for everything Natasha, I’ve grown so much as a woman because of you and your posts!!! Love you so much!

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love u sister xx

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Thanks from the bottom of my heart! Love you sister xx

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I can’t tell you how much your blog has saved me the past six weeks. I was in such a dark cycle for two years, and I couldn’t find the strength to walk away. When he finally left me, I found PMS and the resolve to go no contact. I saw my ex today, and he did’t even acknowledge me. And I put my hand on my tribe bracelet and acted completely unfazed. It hurt, but I got through it. Thank you for being such a straight-talking angel!

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Hi J! There is nothing I could say that would even begin to express how much your comment meant to me. You brought me to tears. I know what you’re going through; I know how painful and hard it is. Thank you for being a part of this tribe and remember, it takes one to know one – you are an angel too. An angel that has allowed me to see that I’m not and was never alone in my experiences, pain and feelings. All my love to you soul sister x

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Great article…much needed at this time when I am struggling post break up…love your blog and all of your posts! xoxo

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Hi Kristina! Thanks so much for the love and for taking the time to share. Keep coming back here to the blog; you WILL get past this. You’re part of a tribe here 🙂 All my love to you soul sis XOXO

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If you were a baseball player you would be number one pick for the Allstars. You seem to get it right every time. I think the idea of closure is fascinating and is overdone. It is our desire to avoid ambiguity in life and sadly that is not possible. When we provide our own definitive answers to unknowns we take control of our lives, just as you have so elegantly described. Keep it coming Natasha, I am your number one fan.

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You are so right! I never thought of it that way! Love you beyond words. XOXO

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Not having closure can be a b****. I’ve spent countless amount of times trying to get my ex to talk to me about what is going on between us. I was utterly crushed, never did I feel so much suffocating pain and torture. June 10th I will never forget that night when my ex had cancelled our plans to talk about our issues to go hang out with someone else. I was literally on the floor sobbing, rocking back and forth. Calling any friend who will be willing to talk to me before I go and do something stupid. I was a hot ass mess. Never felt the need for closure until that night I was in complete desperation for my ex to just be straight up with me. Writing this is even a brutal reminder of what I went through, but eventually I began seeking help and trying to get peace within myself. Am I still a hot ass mess? Yes. But I’m understanding that the power is in my hands and I’m learning not to play the fool again. It’s been two months since my ex ended things with me unofficially..there wasn’t any notice, any signs of a break up, no talks, no warnings, no discussing, nothing! I got nothing from my ex and I thought I deserved more at least a closure. But no, that closure came from me. I came to the conclusion why would I want closure from someone as deceitful as my ex. All my ex is going to do is feed me a bunch of lies. Getting closure from a dishonest, disloyal person is like getting closure from a roach. It’s meaningless. That’s what helped me to realize I shouldn’t be desperate for it. Thanks Natasha for writing this, it’s been such a journey from where I was 2 months ago. I feel a lot stronger and a lot more at peace. It’s just that I still miss my ex after all this drama and anger stemming from how we ended and I wish I can just turn the “I miss you button” off because I feel that you should only miss people who are worth missing. My ex is not worth missing, but yet I still do and its like I just want to stop. In due time…in due time….

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YES! SO PROUD OF YOU SISTER!! 🙂 love u xoxo

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A quote I like to live by is “Life becomes easier when we learn to accept the apology we never got.” Never go looking for the “I’m sorry” or closure from that person who isn’t giving it to you or never gave it to you. They clearly aren’t mature enough to know their behavior is wrong and hurtful. You should never have to seek out an apology. Stay on the white horse and be that awesome, classy woman you are.

Trust me, from experience they will always wonder after you have gracefully bowed out from their lives 🙂

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YESSS! I love that quote and couldn’t agree more 🙂 thanks Alex!! xoxo

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I just wanted to say thank you Natasha. Your posts have helped me tremendously over the past 6 months dealing with a break-up from an emotionally unavailable person. I didn’t want to believe what you wrote at first, that he will never change, but everything you say has proven so true.

After no contact for months, my ex got my hopes up by making contact every once in a while, telling me that he missed me, wanted to be a part of my life, not to give up on him, etc…. I was ecstatic, but of course, as soon as I replied and told him my feelings of wanting to be together, he gave me the classic you’re-amazing-but-I-can’t-I’m-no-good-for-you-I-can’t-give-you-what-you-want-or-deserve bullsh*t.

This post really resonated with me, because the biggest part of my struggle with moving on is that I want to understand all the whys that never got explained. Why is he emotionally unavailable? Is it because he is physically incapable? Or is he just choosing too be? Why, if he doesn’t want to be together, is he still gettnig in touch and dropping “I miss you” bombs? Does he know he’s hurting me? Does he even care????……the list goes on and on.

Your posts have helped understand some of the whys, but this post has made me realize that none of them matter. Because at the end of the day – he chose to treat me with a lack of respect, affection, kindness and love, and made me feel guilty and crazy for feeling hurt. I deserve so much more than that.

It’s time to create my own closure: Why did he do it? Who cares. He doesn’t deserve to be a part of my life after the way he treated me. End of story.

Time to get back on focusing on me 🙂

Thank you Natasha, so grateful for this tribe xoxo

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YES!!! You go girl! So proud of and happy for you. I’m honored to have played a small part in your realizations, evolution and healing. You’re doing the right thing; I believe in you. Thank you for being a part of this tribe, for motivating me and for allowing me to see that I was never and am never alone in my feelings, emotions and experiences. All my love to you soul sister. Giving you a giant hug! 🙂 XO

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I just wanted to say thank you Natasha. I am so glad I found you. I was pursued by my ex in May of 2015 on social media. I was taking me time after an 11 break up. We went to high school together 25 years ago but I can’t recall him too much. We just chatted for a few months because he said he was just recently separated and that is just a red flag for me..So, we were just good friends. His wife and their 12 year old daughter moved out of the house and he was in the process of selling the home. We got closer but never intimate. Our souls connected and he said he loved but I still wanted to wait a year until the divorce was final. Well, after confessing our love in September 2015, we talked about our future. I told him he can move into my home after he sells his, it’s big enough and he could have had his own room an space. We were extremely close so I thought. Well, he got really sick due to some stomach issues and he had minor surgery. While he was recovering, I took him groceries and his medicine, just kind of looked after him for a couple of weeks. Well, his house finally sold in December 2015 and he was going to move in and he just disappeared he ghosted me for a month. I believe in the No Contact rule so, I was never going to contact him. He had a gambling problem for the past 25 years playing black jack that he told me about He apologized, said everything was moving so fast and that he missed seeing his daughter every night. He is a mans man but he does have an old fashioned side. So, he moved in February, well, that lasted a month. I came home after work and his stuff was gone. No Contact again, 2nd time. Again, he contacted me a week later this time, said the same thing, he is not good enough for me that I have everything together. His was not happy with his current position. His work life has not been the same since his company downsized in 2010. So, he basically had to start over with company after company until he found one that he like and making much less than he did so, he had financial issues but I knew he would start saving soon once we were together because that’s the right thing to do. When he was with his ex, they never saved anything. All she did was spend, spend ,spend and never helped with their home. I have a great career and I can spend and save..Yay to me for being self reliant. Well, he came home again. Fast forward and why I always took him back he left I think about 5 or 6 times throughout 2016. I just chalked it up to everything he was going thru and I was not going to nag him. That’s not my style. Here is where I am shocked. After all of this in the past year, we decided we were going to move closer to our jobs so, we both moved in with family to pay off all of our credit card debt so we could start our future in the summer of 2017, look for a house. I put all of my furniture in storage. Well on January 29 he disappeared again, it has 17 days of No Contact. I will not contact him and I believe this is it. His divorce was in the final stages of being finalized and I am thinking he went back to his wife and daughter. I am just shocked at how much of a coward this man is to not tell me to my face after this rollercoaster ride that in the beginning I did not want to get on. I knew back when we first started talking in 2015 that I should have said contact me after your divorced and are emotionally available. Now, I am left to pick up the pieces and he is gone almost 3 weeks of No Contact. I am a very strong woman but geez, this has done it foe me. The feeling of being deserted is awful. He has showed me the kind of guy he is. I believe now he was a liar and he was having more issues than he let on. I fell for all of it. It was all a pipedream. Nightmare is more like it.

Thanks for listening. Sorry, for rambling… It’s early on the East Coast..
Traci

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I just wanted to say that I loved him so much but I know it’s over this time..I know I will never have closure from him.♥

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You are not alone <3 xo

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