“Trying to figure out how to forget about your ex,” should be the definition of all-sh*t-lost insanity.

Whenever I was going through a painful breakup, I would Google “how to forget about your ex,” and besides “stop stalking” (yeah right), “get a hobby,” “remember who you are,” “volunteer,” “travel,” there was really nothing. No way could I have done any of these things. I was too emotionally fixated and frantic.

You can’t invest in anything when all of your emotional currency is already being invested wit a non-existent return. All of the suggestions just seemed to affirm my aloneness and make me miss my ex even more. For a really long time, I was convinced that the only way I could move on with my life and forget about him was if I experienced some kind of brain damage.

Your thoughts, actions, level of control, and life are no longer yours. Friends and family start to get annoyed and avoid. You’re exhausted. All you want at this point is relief via a magic eraser.

It is impossible to completely forget someone. This post is not an amnesia initiator.

It’s about forgetting all of the toxicity that’s weighing you down so that you can REMEMBER how to swim back up to land.

For this post, I’m going to focus on how to forget about a toxic ex – this is someone who at any point dishonored, devalued, lied to you, and made you feel like loving you was hard. Even though it may seem easier to forget and move on from mistreatment, these can be the hardest types of exes to forget.

Although empathetic and connected people are extremely hard to forget, they always leave with respectful transparency. The breakup is still very painful but it’s clear-cut. There is no confusion, ambiguity or bs with these people. Ten times out of ten, they speak with dignified action and stay on their white horse. Losing someone like this is excruciating, but at least there’s no unknown due to clear actions that follow clear communication.

Toxic exes are especially hard to forget due to their capacity to mix signals, two-time, lie, contradict, disrespect, be insensitive, and passively yank your chain through social media showmanship. It’s bullsh*t artistry at its finest.

I’ve tried everything to forget toxic exes – hypnosis, mantras, meditation, law of attraction, yoga, facial tapping techniques, acupuncture, Ayurvedic enemas, rebound relationships, going out with friends, dancing the night away, being set up on dates, random make outs, blocking/unblocking, following/unfollowing, tagging/un-tagging, new hairstyles, “ridding-my-life-of-toxicity” quote posting… you name it. Nothing worked.

In the end, I just hated myself more as I watched my emotional and financial wallets drain.

This left me no choice but to inflate, pedestal, and romanticize someone whose absence I was more fearful of accepting than the empathetic bankruptcy, relational ineptness, disconnection, and narcissism I was afraid of acknowledging. 

Acknowledgment is scary because it goes hand-in-hand with acceptance. And once you accept who someone has revealed themselves to be, you then have to bring the focus back to yourself and identify your own dysfunction that got you to this point.

I think about those exes now that I worked so hard to forget and honestly, I’m glad that I didn’t find a way to impose selective amnesia.

Without my memories, I wouldn’t have this blog.

I wouldn’t have the empathy that I have, the obsession with helping everyone I can out of pain and suffering that I know all too well, and an appreciation for the people in my life who consistently show me that a memory is the last thing they ever want us to be.

I actually BLAME my inability to forget exes on most of my relational, professional, and emotional success. This isn’t about obsessing over the past. It’s about psychologically positioning yourself to forget what you need to so that you can redirect your focus and reclaim your life.

Memory is like gasoline – if you drink it, it’ll make you sick but if you allow the fuel to go into your emotional gas tank, IT WILL give you the energy, belief, and confidence to drive yourself out of the wreckage.

Even though it’s impossible to completely forget someone, it IS possible to unplug them from your power source. It IS possible to ALLOW the memory that can’t get erased, as painful as it is, to propel you out of powerlessness and back into shot-calling control.

Want to know how to forget your ex?

Here are 3 simple rules that are better than amnesia.

Remember, amnesia leaves you powerless. Action EMPOWERS you.

  • How to forget about your ex RULE #1: In order to forget, you HAVE to remember. 

You will never be able to accept what is until you recognize what isn’t.Same with forgetting. The more you focus on forgetting, the more you’ll remember. And you will never be able to forget what you need to until you make the effort to remember what you have to.

The only way that you will ever truly forget to the point of indifference and peace is by REMEMBERING your ex’s character flaws and what he/she DID/DIDN’T DO that robbed you of it.

What you’re doing now – blaming yourself, buying into the baseless belief that he/she has changed (they haven’t), being scared of them forgetting you, etc., is so.much.harder. that what I’m suggesting here.

All I am asking is that you REMEMBER what your eyes, ears, gut, and instinct have ALREADY witnessed and been exposed to in real time. Don’t buy into the theatrics of your insecurities.

Replace fear with FACTS and allow the facts to disgust you. Allow your ex’s misrepresentation to disgust you. They came to the table representing themselves as someone who was relationally ready and ended up sh*tting their emotional shorts. That’s not a signal for you to change them, it’s a signal for you to be disgusted by an un-potty trained adult. Gross.

Disgust is such a powerful emotion. If you’re truly disgusted, you won’t want to think about what it is that’s disgusting you. You’ll want to forget it asap. Disgust also disallows desperation.

  • How to forget about your ex RULE #2: Know the point of no contact.

No contact is about creating space so that you can gain perspective, heal, redirect your energy and rebuild.

At first, it can seem like a diet and we all know why diets fail – they make us focus on avoidance and the subsequent lack more than the reason why we need to avoid in the first place. This sets us up for feeling like we’re being punished and deprived. And no one likes to be reduced to emotional infancy.

Over 10 years ago I was diagnosed with Celiac disease. There were times that I missed bread and gluten-containing foods so much, I’d just cave. Gluten is in everything. HOW was I going to carry on?  I tried to stay focused on the one thing I was told by my doctor that I had to – avoid gluten.

The more I focused on avoidance though, the more I’d miss gluten and get even more depressed. After some time, I realized that I needed to focus on alternative food options instead of the lack of the one option that many people with this disease were living very happily without.

The few times that I ended up having gluten, it made me so sick and broke me out so badly, I quickly lost interest because I realized that I could no longer incur the cost. I can’t have gluten because it’s bad for my health and also, because I work too hard to keep my skin clear and healthy – breakouts and oozing eczema patches aren’t fun.

Understand that no contact is for your emotional health and also, it’s okay to be superficial/vain about it too – breaking it is just a bad look all around.

When I tried to forget gluten, all I could do was remember it. Instead of making my life about assuming the identity of someone who’s gluten-free, I started focusing more on the reason why I couldn’t have it in the first place – my health and well-being. SAME goes for no contact with your ex.

I always say – contradiction is the root of all misery. You can’t spend your time focusing on NOT contacting/thinking about your ex and then beat yourself up for obsessing and not being able to forget him/her.

  • How to forget about your ex RULE #3: It’s not about erasing, it’s about phasing out.

Trying to erase your ex from your mind is not only unreasonable, it’s holding yourself to a standard of emotional perfection and perfection is the lowest standard that you can hold yourself to.

It’s okay to not be able to forget about your ex. What isn’t okay is remembering him/her through a filter that caters to your insecurities and cuts you at your emotional Achilles. You have the power to disempower. You are the C.E.O. of Y.O.U and only you can decide who gets less airtime, who gets promoted, demoted, hired, and fired.

Think of your belief system like a set of employees. By promoting your fears, you’ll end up hiring employees that will rob you blind while speaking your praises. You already went through that in the relationship you are mourning the loss of. If you continue to do it to yourself, how are you really any different from your toxic ex?

Loving yourself is not complicated. It’s making the decision NOW to have your own back and reinforcing that decision by rejecting the hurtful inconsistencies of toxic people.

You got this.

And you’re never alone.

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help with your breakup, please look into working with me here.


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Dear Natasha,

Thanks for another rifle shot of awareness. I always feel refreshed after reading your work, but this was the best I’ve felt yet!

Our brains are not built to suppress thoughts, they’re built to generate them. What kept us safe from predators in the past was our ability to avoid danger, which we were able to do because our large brains could ponder all the ways that we could find trouble. But it’s that same negative-possibility-generation talent that makes the breakup recovery process so frustratingly slow…because if we try to thought-suppress our exes, all we do is end up thinking about them more…because our brains confuse the doubt we experience in the aftermath of a breakup with danger. And the only way to make an uncertain situation less scary is to do exactly as you suggest – lean in to the pain by remembering everything. Just as watching a scary movie over and over makes it less scary, so too will it be less scary to be without our toxic exes when rewatching the horror film that was our relationsh*t.

Thanks for all that you do – I’m very grateful.



WOW. Thank you so much – I knew this but I didn’t know it (if that makes sense). Thanks for shedding even more light and perspective 🙂

I hope that you read this post after I made some edits and added on a paragraph (I hit “publish” instead of “update” and almost had a heart attack).

Thank you for your love, your support, transparency, vulnerability, for being a part of this tribe, and for sharing that beautiful light and heart of yours. I am just as grateful for you and truly hope that we can meet one day.

All my love to you always. x


Insightful words, Brandon. Truth in all you said.




I love this (but what else is new?!) ❤️

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic lately, and as usual your posts are always so timely. Love your reminders about #2, especially since ‘no contact’ can feel like a self-imposed hell where even if you’re “successfully” implementing it, the OBSESSION rages on in our heads. I think sometimes we believe we need to continue engaging with a toxic ex in order to “verify” that they haven’t changed, but it really works in the reverse. We need to get away FIRST in order to gain this understanding, especially since toxicity usually means we’re dealing with some level of mindf*ckery (mixed signals, gaslighting, etc). It’s only then that we can have any hope of redirecting all that energy back to ourselves.

Could not agree more with #1. For a while I didn’t understand it but the simple truth suddenly dawned on me one day – if we were in fact capable of voluntary amnesia, if we could literally not remember…HOW THE F*CK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO LEARN?? What’s the point of learning if you can’t remember? Really, amnesia just means you don’t get to learn. Any short-term relief we’d feel from forgetting would do more long-term damage as we aimlessly make the same mistakes over and over again. This has happened in the past when I worked actively against my own instincts…I feel mildly nauseated just imagining if we had no other choice but to live that way.

I’m now a firm believer that even (and especially) in the most heartbreaking of circumstances, memory is our ally and friend. And just like reality, it hurts like a motherf*cker in the beginning, but it helps me to think of it as the “slow to warm” type of friend. The kind that isn’t the flashiest, most socially savvy, or talkative in the beginning but who ultimately reveals itself as the most consistently trustworthy, honest, and REAL. The memories and the pain associated with them are there to help you, not hurt you. It’s there to ensure you solidify what you learn from every experience. We just have to commit – as Natasha says – to remembering the TRUTH, to what transpired in reality, and eventually, the intensity of the pain will subside as the lessons we gain will move front and center when we do remember. It just takes practice. Every time, I catch myself dwelling in my pain instead of processing it, I steer my mind back to the truth and acceptance. It’s a mental discipline that CAN be mastered while we internalize our lessons. This is why no contact is so essential. I know things like social media can be a giant trigger these days but if you have the truth on your side, you will slowly but surely feel less vulnerable to the personal PR campaign your ex is running. Just REMEMBER: you already KNOW what your ex is capable/isn’t capable of because you experienced it in reality, not some filtered fabrication. There’s no need for you to buy into their propaganda.

All my love to everyone here in this tribe xx ??‍♀️


Thank you Natasha for your post and thank you Amy for this awesome reply!

Timing for me is insane too. I left my ex several months ago and it’s been a process of letting go, yet the past three days I kept running into memories of him, some triggered by things I’d see that I knew he liked, like certain public art, or songs I’d hear, etc., etc. I still love him and find him attractive, etc. etc. … and remembering him lately, it’s almost like all of a sudden I’ve fallen back in love with him… and I’ve been crying and crying. All it is, I think, is that I’m still letting go, and it’s hard to let go.

But the first thing I instinctively did was Rule #2 – NO contact. I was SO grateful for that rule because I was able to talk to a therapist and friends and basically see that wooooow!! Red flags were there, left and right! I just didn’t want to see them! (My friend shared this with me: “When you wear rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags” – BoJack Horseman)

So this post reminds me that Rule #2 is Legit!! I think it’s great to remember the lovely things about him, but this post also brings me back to my own intuition when I left: get space immediately. So I’m reminded of the red flags.

And thank you Universe that we can’t just wave a magic wand and forget, because like you guys are saying, we wouldn’t learn! GREAT point! What if I didn’t learn to see those red flags again?!!?! (Except that, I do notice that in my new dating life, I’m ready shoot down “red flags” out there in the distance, but then I unpack what it is, and see that it’s harmless! Just to say… I’ve become reactively hypervigilant :/ lesson learned, really learned! But perhaps I need to not be so worried or afraid of history repeating itself!)

I love this post. Thank you so much. It’s normalizing something that we do post-break up. We remember. And we have to if we want to learn and get smarter about who we let into our lives! That is a choice, not just random. I’m reminded that I chose to leave him for great reasons, and yes, I felt disgust too. it’s okay that it was a mixed bag – that some things were great, and I loved those parts, but that the bad was really bad and I deserved better… in fact, maybe it’s very positive and healing that suddenly I’m remembering the good stuff, but I’m not letting that change the fact that the bad was bad and it hurt.

Okay, so now I will try to cultivate Rule #3 – phasing out. I love the C.E.O. metaphor you use, I’ve thought about it many times. If I want success I have to think in a very shrewd sense about who is contributing to me and my life, allowing me to be a better person, to grow, etc. … maybe not just thinking about how he didn’t fit into the growth of me, also focusing on who is there who really does, and just comparing that. I’m so grateful for the good, nourishing relationships in my life, and I trust those people when they say that I’m so much happier now without him, that I seem more vibrant… and I do.

Okay, here’s to remembering, to letting go, to no contact despite that being hard, to phasing out, and to feeling very grateful for the relationships in my life and also this lovely community that is very uplifting & healing!! :))


Hi Sasha,

I think it’s totally okay to remember the good and bad. After all, most people are a mix of “good” and “bad” qualities. It seems like a futile exercise if we were to try and convince ourselves someone is just purely bad and that’s IT. I like to think of it as not good vs. bad but what’s acceptable vs. what’s unacceptable. What are YOUR deal breakers? What are your boundaries? It makes things much clearer (even if you feel heartbroken in these realizations). At the end of the day, that’s all that actually matters. It’s a good thing because it puts YOU in charge of your healing. I love what Natasha said about phasing out too – it’s the perfect description for how to understand indifference. Makes it seem attainable.

You have great intuition! Yes, listen when your gut is telling you to step back – it will only help you get closer to reality. Sometimes I feel like I’m in the gradual process of peeling my tightly gripped fingers around a lot of false beliefs while slowly moving towards embracing new beliefs/stories/narratives/lessons. Usually just reminding myself in a hard moment that it’s okay, that I’m just experiencing a trigger, and that my brain is just processing makes me feel even the slightest bit better. It’s unbelievable what simple awareness of what’s happening to you in the moment can do. It’s like being able to step outside of yourself for a second so you can see it’s just a feeling, not who you are. It’s the difference between saying “I am sad” vs. “I FEEL sad” if that makes any sense. And yes – it’s all about remember, letting go, and no contact as you said. I think remembering aids in no contact and turning inward during no contact ultimately aids in letting go.

Sending you so much love. xo


YES! LOVE this and you 🙂 Thanks Amy! xoxo


Sasha – I want to give you the most giant hug and high-5 right now. YES YES YESSS! You said it better than I ever could.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to write this comment. It helped me and will undoubtedly help so many.

All my love to you. xoxo



This comment of yours could be a blog post in and of itself. You.Are.Incredible.

Thank you for connecting with me, my work, and everyone here the way that you do – with all of your heart, empathy, and that beautifully old soul of yours.

I love, appreciate, adore, support, believe in, and admire you endlessly.

Don’t ever change.



Thank you for this post right now. I’m in tears as I read this.
Even though it’s been 4 months since no contact(I followed your white horse advice) with my emotionally unavailable ex, Im still having a hard time moving on because I moved to another country and right now, I have zero friends over here(just some acquaintanceships). And everyday seems like a struggle. But your posts give me hope and that’s all I need for now. Dont know where would I have been without PMS. I love you!


Hi Amina!

AWWW that means EVERYTHING to me 🙂 I love you too! Thank YOU. You are never alone. EVER. I am so happy and honored to help.

Thank you for being a part of this tribe 🙂 All my love to you soul sister. xx


I always remembered the lovely beginning– the love sent, the good feelings awakened that I hadn’t felt in years. Years. Then he showed emotional unavailability, and that broke me down. So: for me, these words of yours most resonated, Natasha: “Replace fear with FACTS and allow the facts to disgust you. Allow your ex’s misrepresentation to disgust you. They came to the table representing themselves as someone who was relationally ready and ended up shitting their emotional shorts. That’s not a signal for you to change them, it’s a signal for you to be disgusted by un-potty trained adult. Gross.

Disgust is such a powerful emotion. If you’re truly disgusted, you won’t want to think about what it is that’s disgusting you. You’ll want to forget it asap. Disgust also disallows desperation.”

Yes, and I had come up with Emotional Unavailability — two Nice words for: Ghosting me intermittently (and intermittent treatment is always the worst kind because you never feel totally dumped), then telling me he loved me deeply; and shortly after that, posting pics of a new relationship on FB at Christmas without giving me the merest hint (except ghosting me intermittently and telling me he loved me and wanted a future with me.) I ran to the bathroom and gagged– not quite vomited. And my lovely daughter was with me and said, “Unfriend Him. Now.” Me: “Should I block him?’ Her: “No. It gives him more credit than he deserves. He’s a nuisance now. A speck on your sleeve to be flicked off.” Well, it did & didn’t work. Because in 3 months he came begging back. And I took him back… to realize that he STILL was who he was. Natasha, that would be a guy who wasn’t relationally ready and shit his emotional shorts. At least I had never re-friended him on FB, so that was convenient, lol. But Natasha, I think your metaphor for visualizing disgust of messed-up, immature, unkind behavior is Truly Superior, and I Thank You for that.


Wow. That seems really hard. But Good for you!!! And your wise daughter! As a friend, having been down this road, I would just remind you that what you felt in the beginning, those lovely feelings, you ALWAYS deserve to feel that… every woman does. Every person does.
My step mom almost divorced my dad a few years ago, even though he had cancer! I felt very conflicted. And hurt. And thought: wtf?! … then I realized that he was neglectful, emotionally unavailable, and I had a lot to personally lose if he became a bachelor again, I’d have to step up and change my life and really take care of him now rather than later… but that was selfish of me. I eventually told her, I love you either way, you deserve better and I hope you get better. Luckily, thank God!! He changed. It was a Hail Mary but she took him back and he really, REALLY turned it around.
What I’m saying here is that no one deserves the emotionally unavailable, and that it is extremely rare that this person actually changes. It is okay to go back to want to see if it’s true or not. No shame there. But let’s always remember what we truly deserve and shoot for that. I’m so glad you have your loving daughter to remind you of this, and I don’t even know you but I’m happy to remind you of this.


Thank you for your kind comments, Sasha– and I’m so glad your father had a Wake-Up Call. My ex husband was always cold, so I eventually woke up and left him. (a bad childhood messed up my radar.) Anyway, the stuff with the man who told me all these great and wonderful things about me and bowed out (as he did to the woman he “left” me for, and as he had to every woman before me)– it was okay Because it made me feel good about myself when I did believe him– enough to know I couldn’t settle for less. And now I have an amazing boyfriend of one year who loves me, tells me, and constantly SHOWS me. My life is a thousand percent better. He is centered and balanced as a human being and I think that knowing that I deserved it and not settling, brought him into my life. We’re not perfect; no one is, but he’s direct and honest and it sure is refreshing! Best to you Sasha, and much happiness and success to you as well.


Love reading this and seeing this support 🙂 xoxo


I love seeing this love & support! XOXO


I live in the uk and this blog is quite literally my saving grace. Your daughter is so mature to see something you couldnt see yourself. We often forget when we are single parents how the person affects our children. I was dumped 6 weeks ago by a man who i had shared my life with for 4 years. He became abusive and i forgave everytime. He was a genius at jeckall and hyde and was a wonderful charming man to the outside. He was so loving and attentive but occasionally the other side would appear. Im currently battling with severe feelings of loss and self doubt. I still love him despite him having been cruel and hurtful. This blog gives me hope and is helping to heal me albeit very slowly! LJo xxxx


<3 xxxx


Jeanette – first, your daughter sounds like a genius! Glad you listened to her. Please cut him off. I know I don’t know about your situation apart from just what you’ve written but his actions strike me as incredibly disrespectful. I don’t even know you and I feel insulted for you – you deserve so much better. In my opinion, the thing we forget or don’t recognize with emotional unavailability is that it’s addictive. When somebody continually withholds from you and then throws you a crumb instead of a loaf, it makes you that much hungrier, NOT satiated. And just a friendly reminder – that sh*t should piss.you.off. When he comes around with his intermittent crumbs, it’s not cute and it’s not flattering. It’s bullsh*t. It’s disrespectful. It’s insulting. It’s cruel.

Apologies for my indignation but I can’t stand it when it seems someone is being treated unfairly and so poorly. Sometimes anger is necessary. Use it to protect yourself and enforce your boundaries. Remember your worth and listen to his actions, not his words.

Much love to you. Amy xx


Thank you Amy, for your response. This happened a couple of years ago, but it gutted me deeply. Like you say, crumbs make you hungrier– they don’t satiate you. To explain further, I’m copy/pasting the facts that I wrote to Sasha, and it is this: My ex husband was always cold, so I eventually woke up and left him. (a bad childhood messed up my radar.) Anyway, the stuff with the man who told me all these great and wonderful things about me and bowed out (as he did to the woman he “left” me for, and as he had to every woman before me too)– it was okay Because it made me feel good about myself when I did believe him– enough to know I couldn’t settle for less. And now I have an amazing boyfriend of one year who loves me, tells me, and constantly SHOWS me. My life is a thousand percent better. He is centered and balanced as a human being and I think that knowing that I deserved it and not settling, brought him into my life. We’re not perfect; no one is, but he’s direct and honest and it sure is refreshing! SO Amy, I did grow and learn from it, and my life is exponentially better than it was. And thank you for complimenting my daughter…. she is my only child (27 now!) and so smart and practical! I guess Natasha’s metaphor made me giggle a bit–a great way to remember the man who constantly told me he wanted to marry me, only to “surprise” me on FB with another relationship! A real dog, and Natasha just helped me to put him in his place, in my mind!


Glad to hear it Jeanette! xx



<3 <3 <3



Thank you so much for not only sharing your story, but for affirming that I’m doing the right thing be dedicating a whole chapter of my book to my favorite emotion – disgust.

I’m so glad that you connected with this post and enjoyed it as much as I did writing it.

Love you soul sister. Thanks for being you. xx


Another fantastic post..at just the right time…exactly what I’m currently struggling with….I love rule 1…so going to try that..2 weeks ago I implemented NC the ex is with someone else but can’t stop drunk calling or random bulls×!t mini text…I just ignore and do not respond…and 3 I’m sorry I did not understand what you were trying to say. As always thank you so much


Happy it helped! Thanks Kimberly 🙂 I was saying in #3 that trying to erase an ex from the mind is pointless – what helps more is remembering through the filter of reality.

Keep ignoring and thanks for being a apart of this tribe 🙂 xx


You are literally a god send.

All these self help books that I’ve read, never seem like they come from someone who has gone through what I’m going through….. but you do!

Thank you for being honest, thank you for sharing your stories and thank you for helping me and so many other woman get over our relationship issues.

You’re amazing x


Takes one to know one Natalie – you are amazing 🙂

I’m so happy to help. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. You are never alone. xx


Love this post Natasha ❤️❤️ . You are doing amazing sweetie❤️


Thanks Denise! 🙂 I’m all smiles. All my love to you sister. xo


Natasha! You are a brilliant lady as always.

“You will never be able to accept what is until you recognize what isn’t.”
Struggling out of the end of a relationship with a narcissist, I’m experiencing cognitive dissonance, so holding two conflicting beliefs at the same time. It’s crazy making! The way you put it here really sums it up. If I don’t recognize what ‘isn’t’ then I’ll never reconcile what truly IS and I stay stuck in this place.

“Contradiction is the root of all misery.”
Same point being made again very eloquently, that we can’t think someone hurtful and empathetically bankrupt, is simultaneously missing or needed in our life. That’s ore cognitive dissonance, the frustration that comes with contradicting beliefs being held at the same time.

Thank you for your amazing posts Natasha. You have a very special insight.


Hi Gorgeous 🙂 Thank YOU so much Katharine for connecting with me and my work – I am so honored to help in any way I can.

Sending you big love and hugs. xxxx


After 12 1/2 years my fiancé and I split up. I haven’t attended Sunday service because he is there. It’s a small close knit congregation. We’ve had no contact for about 3 months. Would attending service where he’s at be breaking the no contact rule?


Please find a new congregation where you can actually concentrate on the sermon, meet new people, and find your light again.
There is nothing there for you at the old place where he visits. It will be an emotional trigger and you’ll take a huge step back.
Is it fair to you? No. But what’s also not fair is remaining stuck. Free yourself and keep moving forward.


Perfect and loving advice. White horse warriors! ?


🙂 !!


Love to you ladies! xox


<3 <3


Ahhh I love this post, but it’s sooo not been this easy for me at all! I feel totally incapable of following any of these rules 🙁 Its like with my depression, when people suggest I “change my thoughts”. I’m like, can’t you see that I’m not in the space to do that? Don’t you think that if it was as easy for me as changing my thoughts like a TV channel, I would have done that already??? I don’t WANT to be depressed, and I don’t WANT to think about my ex, yet its all I can seen to do. Maybe it just takes some of us longer than others? Are there more specific steps I can take? I need to be over this. Thoughts of him are parasitic at this point and are getting in the way of me enjoying all I have going for myself.


Hi Adera!

I have to much to say to type it all out and not enough hands to type or hours in the day but I will try to write more about this soon 🙂 I know it’s hard. It definitely takes me longer than most too. You are not alone. xx


You never fail to make me laugh out loud at the way you say the most amazing words that hit home on to many levels. Yet you always remind us that we are all human and not alone. I swear the excitement I get when I see a new post pop up in my email is the best. I always make sure I am in a quit relaxing place so I can soak up all you have to say. Then I laugh cause I could almost see a facial expression I could imagine you making when yo9u say certain stuff 🙂 (That’s not a signal for you to change them, it’s a signal for you to be disgusted by an un-potty trained adult. Gross.) I literally laughed out loud and smiled for hours after reading this post. I love you and thank you for being you. Natasha you have forever changed my life for the better I was a different woman lost confused and so unsure of so many things. This blog you all of it is a godsend.


LOL I am so happy that you laugh at times as much as I do when I’m writing. Thanks NatalieMarie 🙂

I am so happy and honored to not only help, but to connect with you through our experiences, empathy, pain, and subsequent insight.

YOU, your support, love, sisterhood and connection is the godsend. Thanks endlessly. xx


Love this, thanks Natasha. I have recently backed off from a friend as she mentions the ex and his new girlfriend without even thinking sometimes ( we are in similar circles) I don’t need that shit in my life. Felt a little guilty at first ( on friend ) for decreasing social time. However, my own well being and happiness is paramount. I’m so over it and indifferent ? no time for being reminded unnecessarily. As in posts you’ve mentioned before I love spending my time with inspiring and uplifting people Like yourself ☺️? thanks and hope you’re very well xxxx


YES! So proud of and happy for you Jules 🙂 Glad you took out the proverbial trash. Likewise sister 🙂 Love you. xx


Hi Natasha. Thank you for the direction. You always have the answer and this time is no different. I struggle with this 24 hours a day. Does he? You are a gift. You are also loved and supported. ????


Hi Linda! Haven’t seen you for ages….You have no need to struggle. Don’t fight it. FEEL it!
You’ll get to that place of indifference so much faster because you’ll connect with all the stuff that actually matters – how he let you down, how he hurt you and how he doesn’t deserve a beautiful woman like you.

I’m with you though, I always found it hard to let the pain go. I reminisced for the good times. ALL the time.
I promise that when you get to that point of indifference, you’ll smile because it’s worth the painful journey getting there. You’ll not look back either. Promise!

Love xx ?


Hi Lorelle! So glad to read your kind words. I thank you for the support. I do still struggle. It will be a part of me forever I think. I will never understand how someone can sweep me off my feet and without a single thought quit, abandon, leave and inflict unimaginable pain on me. It forever changed me. The only thing that was positive is tha I found all of you. If we all have to experience these things at least we have each other. It will be one year soon and I just try to stay on my horse and do the best I can. It’s no picnic but I will say Natasha and all of you saved my life. Pain can take one to a dark place but when you have a space to go it gets a little brighter.
I hope you are well. All of your posts are always so positive and you seem happy so I’m glad for you. ?. I thank you and I hope someday we can meet. Be well. ???


Awww Linda, that’s beautiful – thank you for your words!
I feel for you – yes it’s so hard when we think we are loved and then out of nowhere we are abandoned and discarded like we are nothing and never existed. That is not a comment on you though – it’s about him.
Although it doesn’t change the pain it caused you – it does show you by contrast, that he doesn’t deserve you because all the love and trust you gave him couldn’t be reciprocated. A complete mismatch.

I know it’s hard, but try to just focus on you, and all your beautiful qualities…your glowing light hasn’t dimmed. But the shadow of your hurt has perhaps taken your focus off it. When we feel rejected by someone we cared for it is difficult to feel happiness. But a person who treats us badly is not full of real happiness. Happy people don’t lead people up a tree and then cut it down while they are up there admiring the view.

What stays with you the most is the memory of the person you THOUGHT he was. The image he projected at the start. And that’s incredibly painful to move on from when you really believed they were special and morphed into someone who has caused you more pain than anyone you have ever known.

Just be kind to you. Come here and read. And be proud of yourself for being brave enough to feel your pain and grow through it. Like Natasha wrote, he was only illuminated by your light. Keep shining! ?

I’d love to meet you one day too, Linda. Til then big virtual hug and be strong because I think you’re great! ❤️??

Thank you Lorelle. You continue to provide me with important facts and a huge dose of reality. You are correct about the tree. I love that example. I know he was and probably is still not happy with himself. He told me he did. It like himself. That was something that was hard to hear. If someone does not like themselves clearly they cannot be open to like or give to others. I am focusing on me now. I have a lot of boundaries now maybe too many but I have my own back too. I cannot see any other way to live now. I stay busy and I try to look ahead. It is very hard because pain sometimes gets in the way but I still try to move forward.
I am so glad to have this place to come because I have learned so much that I would not have learned anywhere else.
Thank you for your comments and I hope you are well. You are so positive so I seek your comments out. It helps. Thank you and I hope you are being good to yourself. Be well. Sending you a virtual ? hug as well.
????. Take care for now.


Love you Linda 🙂 I know it’s hard. The real gift is the connection we have and will always have thanks to him. XOXO


Thanks Natasha. ????. You give me strength.


I think of you often, as we share the same time line and sadness, and I look for your comments.
I am sending you good thoughts and strength your way. There will come a time we will both be ok, and
over this painful chapter. There is a light at the end of this for us!
xox Christine


Hi Christine. So glad to hear from you. Thank you so much for your post.
I think it is interesting that our experiences are similar. I hate it that it all happened for both of us but I am grateful I have met you here. I still struggle everyday with the void and the pain. I wish I did not wonder about him. I still do most days and nights. I wish I knew what he was thinking but I have resolved that I am a long way from his mind. I think he just put me away in a box never to be opened again. I still blame myself but at the end of the day when people are emotionally unavailable the outcome is the same. There is not much to change that. It is a difficult thing to wrap my brain around.
I hope that you gain strength and wisdom and we both get to a place where we feel better. Stay on your horse as I am trying to do. Thank you again and keep in touch. Be well. ????


Yes, I know the pain and sadness, and the questions that you’ll never have answers for.
I struggle almost every day, too, remembering his words ” You were just fun for me. There are no feelings
there for you”
How was I so wrong to think he did have feelings?
And to be discarded so easily without a glance back is difficult. How could he have felt nothing?!
It’s maddening. It’s painful. At this point I would give every dollar I could muster to just let.it.go

Did your ex even give you any reason? Did you have any closure at all?

Hey Christine. Well my story is a long one. We were long distance m in California and hi in Washington DC so he used that for an excuse. In our last conversation when I said I would move there he said he did not feel “passionate” enough about me to have that happen. That cut like a knife and still does. A few months before he told me he was passionate about me. That is confusing. In the past he had said he did not see us together but kept pursuing me. He texted me sent photos called every night. He even gave me money. My fault is that I had a fear of flying. I went there one time for 5 days. It was fun. I was supposed to go back but I couldn’t get on the plane . He was very understanding about my anxiety. He was anxious about many things. I took a fear of fly8ng class and was so happy to be over it. A week laster he skipped calling me one night. I got a call the next night telling me he “couldn’t do this anymore “ he felt “claustrophobic “ and couldn’t continue. He said that he wanted to continue his therapy to find out why he can’t be in relationships. He had been going for less than a year. I asked if he ever got answers did he think we had any chance. He said he “did not want to go back and forth”. He had gone through that before. So it was very painful to me both emotionally and physically. I could barely able it to work. Lots of tears. I did tell him that he will not hear from me. He said he knew that. I said not t call and talk to me about any other woman ever because I cannot picture him without me. He was crying in the end say8 g that a he cries for nobody Andy that I had been nothing but kind and supportive. We had known each other for 30 years so it was a death for me and still is. He said he would call once he got his barrings to try and resum our friendship. That was almost 10 months ago. No call and I don’t think he can. So I’m not sure about closure. I don’t think so. Just a void of no friend and no boyfriend. Apparently I did not know hm well like I thought I did. It hurts always but I just love with it. I come here to talk with all of you. I workout a lot, I have a busy job and I do the best I can. So I share your pain but I hope someday not to have to carry it anymore. I’m trying to look ahead. I want to travel so I dream about that. ?
I agree it is maddening. I believe what Natasha says, dogs bark and cats meow so will they change? Who knows but I doubt it. I feel like he will come out of the woodwork someday when I least expect it. Until then I do what I can for me.
I hope you start thinking about yourself. Have your own back like Natasha says. Stay on your horse and keep your self respect. I have never called him or reached out at all. He sent me a bir5dat card 2. I tha after the breakup saying he wished me all good things in life. Natasha said that was for him not me and I have to agree. It was a slap in the face but what goes around comes around. You can find people to lay down with neutral people who are willing to,overlook your flaws and love you and walk a road with you are hard to find. Especially as we get older. He is 52 this month. No kids not married ever. I am 53 no kids and never married. I am fit so not sure what he will find but she will not mine me.
Your ex will find nothing either because they are blind idiots. Not our problem now just a lesson. I hope this helps you. I know it’s too much info but I am very honest abiout this experience. I hope to help others. I hope something comes out of these experiences for all of us.
I wonder how someone can do this too but you and I will not receive those answers. I live with pain and regret for not getting on the plane to see him but I worked on my phobia and beat it. I wish he had worked that hard for me.
I thank you for reaching out and please do so anytime. I will keep a lookout for your comments.
I support you and you for sure are not alone. We are all here. ????

I couldn’t hit reply on your last comment so I hope you see this response. Anyway, I wouldn’t beat yourself up as much as you are about not making the flight. I’m sure he was disappointed and even frustrated, but that alone is not enough to sever a strong relationship. Not to mention he could have visited you out there.
It sounds like he does not know what, or who, he wants in life – ever. He is likely frustrated with himself, and when you are in a relationship it just adds stress and makes your issues even more pronounced. When he is alone or with someone who doesn’t expect or
question much then it is easier for him. With you, he probably had to deal, and rather than do that – he just avoids and shuts down. He
pretends you don’t exist, which only works for so long. He probably is still in a place where he isn’t ready or still has no clue how to deal with anyone he takes seriously, so he just doesn’t do anything, it is easier than trying to explain himself to you.
I’m 100% certain you will hear from him again, out of the blue, but who knows even then if he has anything new to offer you or say.
Just do what you are doing, focus on you. I hope you find someone great, so that when you do hear from Mr. Confused again, you’ll just be like ” Hey, nice to hear from you. Yada yada….. all set.” 🙂 You will get there!

Hi Christine. Yes I did see your last comment full of wisdom for me. Thank you for your kind words and compassion and truth. I need that. I do blame myself to a degree but I know it takes two people.
I hope that we both meet someone kind and mature and appreciative (if you have not already). ?
I am not planning on meeting anyone but I cannot see the future so who knows. I am focusing on me which is a big job?. I can say I have gained so much by coming here and talking with everyone. I’m so grateful.
I hope you are focusing I yourself and finding joy in your life. I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for reading my story and taking the time to comment. I look forward to talking to you again soon. Reach out anytime. Be healthy and well. ???

Thank you Christine. I did see your comments. You have helped me see it differently. I do blame myself but I did not think about the fact that if we had a strong relationship then that would not have been a deal breaker for us. I did try and spent probably $1000.00 to get over my fear of flying and I did. He just has problems that have to do with who he is and not who I am. It’s sad.
I thank you for your wisdom and taking time to read my LONG story. I need to write a book myself. ?
I hope you meet someone wonderful if you have not already. You surely deserve it. Thank you again and I will keep watching your comments. Be healthy and well for now. ????


Hi Linda,

I’m sorry you’re going through this pain. I’m not sure if this helps but just know there is no good that can come from knowing what’s on his mind. If he was emotionally unavailable and able to discard you with such casual cruelty, the only thing getting “answers” from him will do is bring you more mindf*cking madness that you don’t need to waste your precious mental energies on. Even in the “best” case scenario where he says all the things you’d hope for, realize this is not a person whose validation you should value. But I know it’s hard. Just remember, you’ve already got all the real answers from what he’s done. And that’s on HIM. People who can compartmentalize in this way are suspect in my book, and likely will not add any true value to your life.

I’ve seen your comments throughout the last several months and just wanted to let you know I’m rooting for you. xx



Hello Amy. I’m sitting here tonight reading your heartfelt words and you brought me to tears. I so appreciate what you wrote. I can say that I know you are correct. It is very unbelievable to me that someone especially that I have know and was friends with for 30 years could be so cold but I better believe it because I lived it. It still hurts daily but I have come down a hard road. You are right that people who operate on those terms are suspect because history does repeat itself. I cannot honestly say he would change. Who changes at 52? Why would he when it has worked for him for all this time. I think I was a girl in the wings but I didn’t know. The thing is I think he knew he loved me but he ran. He never looked back. It surely changed me and I do carry a scar but it reminds me to have my own back for the rest of my life. I miss the girl I used to be sometimes. I now have more wisdom and I have this place and I’m so GRATEFUL for that gift.
I’m not sure exactly what your journey was to bring you here but I’m glad to talk with you. Thank you for taking time from your life and reaching out to me. I wish you wisdom and strength and peace. I’m sure you are kind and deserve amazing love. Keep in touch and thank you again from the bottom of my heart ❤️
Be well for now.????



Thank you so much for your kind words ❤️ I’m grateful to speak with you as well ?‍♀️?

Be proud of your scars – it means you survived, you came back from emotional devastation and you’re only getting started. As far as someone changing goes (because I know it’s so difficult to NOT think about it, and is probably one of the major impediments to healing from heartbreak for many of us) – it might help to think about the times in your life when you’ve tried to change something about yourself. Not the easy superficial stuff (job, friends, new relationsh*t, clothes, makeup, social media image management, etc). I’m talking about changing something that was, for better or worse, part of the core of who you were/are. Your belief systems that were ingrained in you through no choosing of your own growing up. Your values. Your CHARACTER. Just think about how difficult it was to change that, even the slightest bit, in yourself. And that’s with you WANTING to change. It’s the same with everyone else, including your ex. One thing PMS has definitely taught me is that we are ALL the same. No one has any super powers to just “Abracadabra!” and magically transform into a new person. Character transplants don’t just fall out of the sky. True change that endures for the long haul takes a lot of accountability, humility, and healing the wounds from previous trauma. Staying the same on the other hand? Well, that involves a lot of entitlement, self-pity, and ego-centricity. I don’t think it’s impossible for people to change. I’m not of the “people don’t change” school of thought. I just think it’s improbable that most people do change because said accountability/humility/healing is much tougher, requires feeling pain, and is wayyyy less attractive than just continuing to do what one has always done.

And just because this “works” for your ex – don’t assume this is synonymous with him being happy. He’s just left the controls on autopilot. And wherever that takes him is not your problem anymore. It’s a sad way to live if you really think about it. If he’s PROVEN to you that he’s incapable of even exiting a relationship with maturity, basic human decency, and consideration for your feelings (at least in the beginning stages of a break up)…he’d feel even greater discomfort taking a realistic look at himself because character change is slow and painful. I wouldn’t place my bet on him. My money’s on you, Linda. Redesignate your energy (physical, emotional, and mental) to yourself and rebuild yourself. You can do it, you ARE doing it.

Sending you so much love! xo

Hi Amy. I am SPEECHLESS. I agree with all you said about my situation. I do think he is happier and better now that I am not there in his life. It’s been 9 months but what you wrote just snapped me out of that thought. People do not just become changed. The work is hard and takes many days and nights of a reality check. I don’t think he can do that because he avoids. That is why he will not reach out to me. Can’t face me.
Thank you so much for your words. Change does not fall from the sky.
My energy is in myself. Working out and going to work, trying to heal. I’m even doing a 5k in a few weeks.
Even though I have not met you, I believe you are smart and strong and compassionate. I hope my words can help you someday. Thank you again Amy. Stay strong.?????


Thank you once again Natasha, it’s like you know what I am going thorugh. Everytime I am stewing on something once of your posts pops up and keeps me sane!
I had a boyfriend whom I adored, I was in 7th heaven as he gave me a house key and a drawer to put my clothes in as I was always at his (simple things huh?) then suddenly after 18 months he announced we were on “different pages” and then basically ghosted me. This would have been bad enough except for the fact that we worked together!
It was torture just watching him walking around with out a care in the world which I was confused and hurting. Nothing I did to move on seemed to work and my list of attempts pretty much matches yours. I’m ashamed to say I fell off my white horse so many times and messaged him asking for explanations and telling him how much he had hurt me and then angry, frustrated texts. He either ignored me or said something lame like “it was just one of those things”. So it only fed my insecurity and misery and I let it, he eventually blocked me on Whatsapp of course. It took me over a year to get back to myself and rebuild some sort of self esteem, every time I saw him it unravelled me and I felt so pathetic that I was letting it.
Recently I discovered he is back with his ex again (for the 3rd time) and I laughed as I thought about your bathing suit analogy and then rather than angry I felt sorry for her. I remembered the way he treated me and thought that she must have experience that twice before and was setting herself up for a third time. Then BOOM I got it! I finally felt disgust.
So, I am leaving my job after 5 years and have a new position waiting for me. I’ve handed in my notice, everyone has been so kind and supportive. My ex hasn’t said a word to me but I don’t care! xxxx


Nicola, you are doing great! You’re stronger than you realise and you won’t look back.
Yes, that bathing suit is getting really funky! ( that’s an awesome analogy, isn’t it!)
The thing with him going back to the same ex multiple times is….nothing will have changed. The outcome will never be different. You will be his ex only once, because you’re too smart for him.

Love ? hugs ?


YES YES YESSSSSSS!!! You go girl. Thank you so much for sharing this Nicola. So proud of and happy for you.

All my love to you soul sister – Glad that bathing suit analogy helped! 🙂 xx


I had to reach out because I am so proud of you!
I too work with my ” ex” ( if you call an ex a ” friend” who led me on, played hot and cold, finally got what he wanted, only to get engaged 2 weeks later, telling me he never had feelings for me…. and NEVER once looked back )
Of all the men in my life, he has done the most damage. 9 months of trying to keep my head up at work – I just realize I need to be free and
no longer can do this anymore. His wedding is fast approaching and I feel sick at the thought of it. I wrack my brain for answers and have found none. It’s been over for a long time and I just need a new scene. I need to re-invent me!
So, after 5 years, I am looking for a new job. I’m scared. I’m sad, but I just need to do it.

So Congratulations! I’m sure it was not an easy decision but I am proud of you for taking the big leap and freeing yourself from the past.
He won’t know what he had until you are gone, but I hope by then you are so happy where you are the thought of even responding makes you sick.
I also guarantee this 3rd stint with his ex will be quicker than the first two.

Good luck in the next chapter of your life! I hope you find this with him all happened for a reason, the timing may lead you to the love of your life, all thanks to this jacka$$


Love, love, love this. So hugs to you both. You are courageous, Christine! It’s okay to feel scared. What’s up ahead is unknown, but it WILL be better than the known you are living in now. You deserve to be happy, light, and as you say – f r e e. If you keep pressing forward, I believe you can turn whatever fear you may have into excitement about the fact that you decide what happens next! YOU are in control now. Cheers to you for looking out for yourself ?✨?


Thank you Amy,
Your words mean a lot! xox


This is an excellent post, in fact Natasha’s last post has also been just what I needed to read. A 1 1/2 ago my ex and I broke up after dating for 5 years. It wasn’t the first time we split, we had split around the 2 year mark ( his choice) and I stuck with No contact and after about a month he wanted to try again. The tricky part for me is that he was a good man, he treated me with respect; but I was young and immature and I would lash out on him. The last time I ever saw him was the night of our five year anniversary, he bought me a coffee machine for my new place as a gift, and we argued about it. Two-weeks late of no communication I reached out. It didn’t end well, in fact he sent me a text message to end the relationship. Like Natasha said in that moment I chose to accept who he revealed himself to be , I chose reality and I got on my whitehorse. ( I never answered his text message). He never apologized to me or my family who he was very close with and had told my parents he wanted to marry me just 2 months before the split. The anger and seeing the reality of the istuation is what got me through zero contact with him and the first 9 months flew by. Until he started splashing his new girlfriend all over social media ( he unfriended me but left his account public and all my friends and family still had him as a friend). I handled the situation well, not reacting, silently venting to only very close friends. He posted pictures of them two EVERYWHERE, how happy he was. That’s when I started to romantize him and started to cling to how great he was and how I messed it up and now he found someone else. He even told a mutual friend that he wasted 5 years of his life. Reading this blog has helped to pull me out of my “funk” and just accept that even though he was a great boyfriend to me, he is immature and emotianally unavailable. Everyone deserves closure and basic respect to be spoken to face-to-face. It’s going on 2 years and can you believe we haven’t seen eachother face-to-face yet. ( i’ve only psotted him a few time from a distance ( we live close by and actually his grandmother lives next door to my parents).

Thanks Natasha for all you do !


Hi Jen! I am truly honored to help in any way that I have/can <3

Thank you so much for sharing, for shining your light here, and for being a part of this tribe. You are never alone. xo


Hi Natasha, I love what you write about how you wouldn’t be where you are now/who you are now if it wasn’t for the pain you suffered with the past.

That’s exactly why I’m where I am at in life too. It’s like how steel is forged. The process produces the product.
Except I’m strong – not hard as a result.
I’d not be who I am today without certain people who were part of my life. I totally understand – and am grateful for crossing paths with them. But also for walking away in my own direction.

Love you so much. And you know why! Xxxx ??? northstar warriors! ⭐️


AND YOU KNOW WHY TOO my dear friend 🙂 I love this, I love YOU, and I am lol loving northstar warriors!! Cannot wait for the next post 🙂 xx


I am reading all these comments way over here in Scotland. A long way from L.A. It never ceases to amaze me how universal this problem is. I discovered your blog Natasha a few weeks ago now and have been addicted to it. Learning and internalising what I have to do to rescue myself from a boomerang narcissist is taking a lot of time. But it is sooooo valuable to have your advice and support. It is hard to stop ruminating over the good times and wishing they were back again. We always think they will be better for someone else and it shouldn’t matter whether they are or not. The bottom line is they were not good for us! I love the illustration of riding white horses and that our horse is always there waiting for us when we dismount. Thank you for that. Could you please write a section on living in the moment – not dwelling in the past or worrying about the future.
Every Blessing to all.
Sheila x


I love that topic! Thanks Sheila – I will try to write about that soon! Yes this is so universal and does not discriminate against age, location, gender, sexual orientation, wisdom, money…anything. I love this tribe more than anything.

Thank you for sharing and for being the light that you are. All my love to you 🙂 from LA to Scotland 🙂 xx


Always very grateful for your posts Natasha and seeing all the comments from everyone in the tribe❤️

Lately I’ve been struggeling to let go of someone I dated a few months back. We had an “almost relationship” and I really thought for a while that I finally met an emotional available man but as it turned out he wasn’t “ready” for a relationship. Just like you wrote in the post!
“They came to the table representing themselves as someone who was relationally ready and ended up sh*tting their emotional shorts. That’s not a signal for you to change them, it’s a signal for you to be disgusted by an un-potty trained adult. Gross.” LOL

And I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what you have written in many other posts about giving someone credit that they haven’t yet earned, and that is at least something I’ve learned from this experience and won’t repeat in the future. Also the importance of self love as it is from only us we can find true happiness.
Can’t wait for your book to come out! Love you ❤️


Hi Mishaell! EXACTLY. You are so ahead of the game in your empathy, awareness, and ability to see things as they are. Keep having your own back and just know that you are never, ever alone.

I’m so happy that the posts have helped.

Thank you!!! I am excited 🙂 Love you too sister. xx


I hope some day you write a post entitled ” How you won – by losing him.”
I’m trying to see the light in the fact that he is marrying someone else, like maybe I dodged a bullet. Or maybe the Universe
has a way of dealing with people who hurt you in their own time, or maybe the “victory” is just in that you’re better off without him,
even if it does not feel this way now.
I wish him no ill will, I really don’t. But wtf, there has to be some silver lining in this for me. I just can’t come up with the words for
it like you do.


Love that recommendation ♥️


Christine I feel the same way. Looking for the silver lining too. Natasha wrote a post about guys who quickly move on with someone else. I have concluded that they just change players. The new player has no clue what is going to happen. If e he portrays himself as a fake boyfriend or fake fiancé it is all going to tumblr anyway. It’s like sweeping things under the carpet. The carpet explodes and they are back to the same thing. They are still not capable. I have to tell myself this too. Natasha says not to think these boys are different people all of a sudden. Change amend maturity comes with time but lots of time. A person has to want to change and really how many boys want to change to men? Some may but again it is work and boys want to keep doing what works for them. As long as they can keep finding women who they can try thei act with they are ok. I’ do believe what goes around comes around we just don’t get to see it.
Just stay on your horse and yes as hard as it is, you did dodge someone who could never be man enough to care and maiantain a relationship with a strong, smart woman. His loss. I believe all theses guys will grow old with pot bellies, wearing sandles with ugly socks and hair growing out of their ears.?. The game won’t work then will it. That is when they will look back seeing what they loss and there won’t be a dam thing they can do about it. You me and the tribe, we will be somewhere else hopefully with someone else. ???


Thank you Linda!
I was going to reply to your last comment to tell you don’t forget that he lost something in you, too. Then I saw this comment.
The truth is my ex “friend” is not a good guy, and I would never trust him now that I know his true lack of character. I struggle with “Why her
and not me?” But then there is part of me that realizes how foolish I am. I still work with him, he pretends to be this great guy, doing
the right thing… soaking up all the attention and admiration that weddings bring. Ugh. We don’t really talk anymore other than passing
“politeness” but all I can think of now is “I have to make a RUN for it. Get the f out of this job/building and never look back.” Only time will
tell if he made the right decision. I give that up to the Universe.
Thank you again. You sound like a lovely, caring person, and like I said when you are sad remember that this man also lost out on what you have to offer him. 🙂


Christine, you are not foolish. You are very wise to recognize his lack of character. He should be embarrassed and ashamed of himself. It would be hard to work in the same environment. You should get out for you not for him. You can start somewhere fresh and who knows what it could lead to. Don’t make any moves because of him though. He is the idiot who hurt you and I have no doubt he will hurt this girl. Who even knows if he will make it to the altar. I have my doubts. I have been there and it’s not easy but you hold your head up and run your life on your terms not his. Don’t make it easy for him. One thing I’ve learned is that there is no shortage of idiot guys out there with no compassion but that does not mean you have to accommodate that. You ask why her? Well she has no idea what she has. An imposter. Sad for her but she is not better than you. She too got caught in his web and now is stuck. You are not. I’m sure it’s not goi g to a fairy tale. Just stay focused on you as Natasha says. Boundaries and self respect always are helpful.

Thank you so much Linda!
You have helped 🙂
I am doing this for me. After a year I’m ready to move on and get excited about life again. I’m all set with sleepless nights and days full of angst. So all set!



“You are never alone”….reading that time and time again from you makes me so happy. Breaking up is VERY hard….in fact I would rather break any bone in my body than go through another break up! I will tell you that “feeling the pain” and processing my way through it has given me more mental and emotional strength than I have EVER had. A close friend of mine said- “A break up may be horribly painful, but is also the beginning of a transformation for you”. In the beginning you can’t see that….you have been rejected and only want to sleep, cry and nothing can stop you from feeling like you were discarded by the person you would have done anything for. Then the fun begins…..your brain makes you feel like you are going crazy because you can’t stop thinking about your ex and what went wrong replaying memories, replaying the break up along with the subsequent texts and calls trying to figure out how someone could throw you away when they said you were “so special” to them.
Recently I have made reality my best friend and force myself that with every “good” thought I have about my ex, I think of a “bad” one to go with it. It has helped me SO much by removing him from the pedestal I had him on and seeing him for the person he is. My favorite part of your fantastic post is that “It is not about erasing, it’s about phasing out”. As much as I hate feeling the way I feel and what I have gone through…I wouldn’t make it go away…I wouldn’t “erase” it. He has unknowingly given me the gift of strength, the will to fight for myself and the discipline to not get off my white horse. Sure….there are days where I still ruminate about our relationship, cry, feel hurt and angry BUT I know in my heart that this is the process of transforming from a brokenhearted victim into a relationship SURVIVOR. I am slowly phasing him out but will always remember the woman that I was before I met him and the woman I have become because of him.

Beyond blessed for finding YOU, PMS and the beautiful souls in this loving TRIBE. Thank you for the gift of each other and a place to share the thoughts that are trapped in our minds. Big Hugs to all of you!


Good idea!
The other day I looked at a calendar, went back 2 years to when I met him. Dates just started jumping out, as in ” Oh yeah, August 8 he texted me all day, but then on August 9 and 10 he never replied to anything I sent.” Memories like that. It puts the great moments into perspective, when you realize how much emptiness and frustration surrounded those great moments.


Hi Christine!

It’s so hard…the crumbs taste so good then leave you feeling nauseated the next day. It’s funny how my mind used to blow up the smallest memory and convince my heart that I was in a fairy tale. I’m working on making my own happily ever after and love you for the support that you give. After reading your posts and seeing all you have been through….I am in awe of your strength!

Thank you for taking the time to respond and for being my tribe sister!! ?


Thank you. It takes a strong woman to recognize one! I have no doubt you will be ok and your happily ever after will be great.
I can tell you will make it just that!
Love you for your positive attitude and support too…. xox

@Christine, OMG I AM IN THE EXACT SAME SITUATION and his wedding is giving me so much anxiety. I would love to talk to you about this!


Hello Kris. I echo your comments. I would rather have surgery without anesthesia then be broken up with again.
I hope I come out stronger. Time will tell. I strive to be unf@#$&%(( like Natasha says. Bravo to you and I’hope you continue to grow and emerge stronger than ever. Be well.



You are too funny! Physical wounds heal fast but you can’t bandage up your heart, right? You are already stronger and telling your story, posting and reading Guru Natasha’s posts give us the fuel we need to make it through hard times. I read an amazing book recently called “How to fix a broken heart” by Guy Winch (he also has a great TED Talk on YouTube). This (second to PMS) was a big helper on how to stop thinking about him and finally get some peace. If it can help someone else it is worth sharing!!

Thank you for commenting and for your support and I’m sending happy vibes your way!




Hi Kris. I watched that talk too? I also read the book. It was so hard to see myself in that book. Wow it was a little tough. I found out I was not crazy after all.
Thank you for your kind words. I did tell a rather long story and I actually left some details out but nobody has all day to read my drama. I just hope I can make someone feel understood and know they are not alone. Natasha is a guru. I am sure I would be in a very deep dark place had I not found her. She and then a whole tribe are good medicine.
I am sending you happy vibes as well and thank you for your kind words. I will look forward to your future comments on this blog. ????



This made me tear up. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing, for being a part of this tribe, and for being the light that you are. I am so proud of and happy for you. You got this and it really is true – you are never, ever alone. We have each other 🙂 All my love to you soul sister. XOXO


Hi Kris,
I read your comment and felt every single word of it.
After my ex broke up with me and left me devastated I had to pick up the pieces of myself and put them together. I never felt so bad in my life but at the same time so ALIVE. I could actually feel parts of my body I could have never imagined. And while I was collecting my pieces, by putting them in different places, I realised I was not just recollecting myself from the break up, I was actually managing some stuff of myself that I did not like even before I met the guy.
I realised that before I met him I had become a dull version of myself, uninspired and very boring, without an aim in my life than living it day by day. I had lost my spark. I always think this helped him get to me. Because if I had met him now, with the things I know now, in the state of mind that I have right now, he would have not had this impact on me. I am sure I would have seen him for who he really was. But, as you said, he is actually the one that WOKE ME UP from my sleep and made me who I am. I read a quote about this: “When we don’t have the courage to change, everything changes around us to a new path”. He made me change the passive way I was living. That is the only great thing he has ever done to me and, as you said, I cannot forget him, because I need to remember what I learnt from this.
Xoxo from Italy


Hi Natasha,
This post came at the perfect time, I’ve been struggling with forgetting an “EX” (f&%!boy) for awhile and even after he ghosted me for the second time and unfollowed me on IG (I still haven’t been able to return the favor). I know sound really pathetic right now but my heart feels so irrevocably broken at the moment.

Thank you for your positive words and support.


You don’t sound pathetic at ALL <3 Be good to YOU, have your own back, and just know that we are all in this tribe together and supporting you 1000%. All my love to you sister. xx


@ Veronica!
Yes, vent, I’m all ears. It’s this dark cloud on the calendar that hangs over me. But these past few days my disgust factor is kicking in.
I’m not so sure if she is marrying the man of “my dreams”. More like my nightmares!


Hi Nat . Just love this post and so bang on and so inspiring. I just put a stop to a very complicated relationship which had had a toll on me for the past year and the more he was being bipolar and messing with my head, the more i was hooked and obsessing on making it work. And gradually,, he took my pen and starting penning the way my life should be and i just went along in the name of…love! He would decide when to meet, he would change the equation in the relationship when he felt like it and would make it as if he is doing me a great favour…when I AM the one doing all the favours – i pleasure him, i am his crying shoulder, i help financially, i support, i encourage…in sum i give give give and he shamelessly takes takes takes.
One fine day, sleeping beauty woke up, not by a kiss from her prince but from a bit of an ugly beast…Finally i stood up and said ENOUGH!
I told him i am not agreeable to the decisions he has made or is planning to take for US and i went home. He has been texting ( the busiest guy on earth who never had time to text before…) telling me how he is lost without me and how he needs me…
I was started to feel bad, too addicted to him…but reading PMS as soon as i start feeling weak to get the addiction flushed out…
Thank you.


Hi Hemlan!

I am so honored and happy to help 🙂 Thank you for being a part of this tribe. We are all behind you, supporting you, and believing in you. XOXO


Hey Natasha, 🙂

Your post came exactly on time and have helped me a lot to calm down…really thank You about that…..

Like in other posts of yours ,this one has described pretty good and clear my thoughts , emotions , and fears…..acknowledging and accepting that he isn’t the person i thought , BELIEVED with my SOUL he was…. is like …yeah the most SCARY thing for me because my mind is like ”wait a minute what if that is another delusion about him”?? ”What if he is actually that great person”? ….its so crazy…

I read a lot about the law of attraction because i am trying to improve myself…to work on my personal development and so on. There has blogs where is written that we all have the power inside of us to change, we all have that pure energy , that we are all THE SAME deeply inside…..in that moment i am like ” Oh so that means that that person, that DECEIVER who totally broke me is that wonderful person deeply inside?
Please tell me…. am i wrong? Are those thoughts just as you said ”theatrical delusion of your insecurities”?

As i keep reading those kind of articles for personal development and i see somehow how the life supports me in my way i think ”oh then the life will supports him in the same way…..we are all the same deeply inside after all’….

The people ( who have a lot of experience in the life, are much older and know me good and who i know won’t tell me something just because i like it , but will always tell me the truth ) who have seen our relationship and know exactly what have happened have repeated to my like 10000000 times, that that person wont change, that he have lost something very special , that am the one that he will always remember and the one that got away….and as i start reading ”law of attraction” articles how we are all the same inside , how we all have the power to change….i get totally scary…

Do i have the right to believe in myself so much? Since other people claim how are all the same deeply inside?
As i try to improve my self esteem , to believe what they tell me about him …just like You have written : to concentrate on FACTS not on FEARS ….thoughts like ” who am i to believe that i’m that special girl he have lost? How can i be sure the life wont helped him to change and supports him? After all we are human beings…..I am totally SCARED that if i have the self esteem to believe in who i am and how much he have lost and will always remember me it it will be another DELUSION…..

Kind Regards,

Sandy 🙂


Hi Sandy!

I’m so happy that the post helped ???

I wish that I had the time to answer these questions but I have too much to say to type it out and not enough hands to type or hours in the day. Thank you for your kindness, love, and understanding ♥️ I will try to write about this soon. xoxo


Hey Natasha,

Thank You for answering me. I know that my questions and all the confusion aren’t easy to answer.
It would be really wonderful when You could write something about the statements that the study like law of attraction claims and that what is written here about the relationships….I’m sure You know what I mean
For me personally ( and I guess for other girls as well ) that is the point where I start getting very confused, anxious, asking me question like : who am I to say and believe that someone WONT change, to believe that he will not start WANTING to change , who am I to believe that I’m the one that got away for him ( even if it was said many times ) ( in my case I’m not talking about narcissist , but person who avoids to take responsibility, putting him on first place and always looking for the easiest way ) after it’s also written that we all have that potential to change, that are all the same inside….or I guess the things are more complicated then that….Thank You once again.

I wish You a great and peaceful weekend! 🙂

Kind Regards,


This blog has helped me soooo much ?


That makes me so happy to hear! Thanks LJ 🙂 xxxx


Hello Natasha,
thank you again for this post.
Since I last commented on your website, I got to bump into my emotionally unavailable ex after a three month no contact period. You know what? It did not feel awkward and I did not feel devasted as I thought I would have been. After 8 weeks of misery where I could only think about the fact that I would have never get over him, never survive living without him and felt like my only option was to just hit my head on the wall to forget, I saw him and I could really see him for who he was. I was and am very surprised with myself and how far I went thanks to the no contact period, working on improving myself, and reading your blog.
Still, sometimes I feel like I need a last time seeing him, you know, just to ask him why. Bare with me, I always knew I was not going to get back with him ever. And even if I think about it now, I do not want him back, especially now that I feel empowered and self conscious as I never was with him. But I still get to wonder how, from day to night without ANY particular sign (except those emotionally unavailable signs that I used to ignore) he just broke up with me out of the blue. And why, but this I guess it is part of my ego, he never ever got back so that I could have my saying in this and shut the door. Instead he seems fine. Not better, not improved. But fine with his decision. And I keep having this dream where I finally have a talk to him, asking all the questions I need and then telling him that actually I do not want him and that leaving me was one of (or the only) the best thing that he had done to me.
I guess I am better now, but still have a lot to work on, especially with my ego.



Hi Elena,

You are incredible. I am so proud of you – your self awareness and ability to see the why’s and feel your feelings will keep propelling you further. Thank you so much for sharing and for your love.

Big love to you sister. xx

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