“How to deal with rejection,” is something I’ve been searching for my entire life. Rejection and abandonment have always been my biggest fears and unfortunately, my most detonating and consistent reality. Acceptance, inclusion and validation were always the unattainable nirvana.
One of the most difficult things for me is dealing with the “constant-knawing-lingering-OCD-FBI-detective-must-find-out-why-I’m-so-unlovaeble-this-will-never-f*cking-go-away-how-can-this-happen-to-me-AGAIN,” feelings of rejection and living under the inescapable, “I’m-not-and-will-never-be-good-enough,” doom cloud.
So, how to deal with rejection… yeah, how?
How do you disable your triggers and minimize your bounce back rate? (affirmations, “don’t jump” books and telling your story to anything with a set of ears, etc., aren’t working).
Is this even possible? How long does it take to be like one of those immortal badasses that seem like they’re bulletproof teflon to any person or situation that rejects them?
Looking back, I think a big reason why I used to have such a hard time learning how to deal with rejection was because even with my painfully low self esteem, on some level, I knew that the guys I was involving myself with weren’t worthy of my love, attention and time. I knew this because even though I did everything to hang on to their beautiful words, reassurances and promises, their actions – as actions always tend to do – spoke louder and on some level, I heard it. Even at my weakest points and even though it broke my heart.
I couldn’t grasp a hold of how to deal with rejection because I was in a tailspin of confusion. I was confused as to why guys that were so unworthy of my time, love, forgiveness and attention would reject someone like me – the girl who loved without bounds or limits, forgave and gave with her whole heart.
The influence that rejection has is directly linked to your inability to love yourself.
+ this song is currently one of my favs because it.is.so.true. Think about it. #youshouldgoandloveyourself.
Here’s what I’ve learned about myself, how to deal with rejection and how to avoid going down the “what’s-wrong-with-me” quicksand once and for all:
- I used to believe that if I didn’t have to work for it, it had no value. While part of this is human nature, I took it to an unhealthy level.
- I accepted that rejection SUCKS. Rejection hurts and that’s okay. But by trying to mask it or “act quickly” before the pain sunk in, I was drinking poison and telling myself it was wheatgrass.
- I prided myself on being the all-loving, all-forgiving, all-understanding doormat girlfriend. While it was so easy to love (& stalk… & obsess) without boundaries, I couldn’t love myself unconditionally. I became my own worst enemy.
- I realized that I was basing my value on these guys validating me. It was like being heartbroken that an accountant couldn’t perform surgery.
- I owned the fact that I got myself into this and I took solace in the knowingness that I could get myself out. I finally became accountable.
Instead of wasting my time trying to figure out why the relationship didn’t work, why I was rejected, why I wasn’t enough and why he didn’t choose me, I accepted the fact that I’ll NEVER be enough for a relationship with someone that’s disconnected.
Tying my worth to it like I had been doing was as ridiculous as being upset that the sun eventually sets.
Most importantly, I learned that no friendship or romantic relationship is going to save or “make me happy,” except the one that I have with myself.
Once I acknowledged what I was exuding (and subsequently attracting), and actually owned my victim-y behavior, life not only became easier, it transformed.
And rejection? Oh yeah. It still happens and it inevitably hurts and sucks. It just doesn’t take me down. I know what I’m worth and I know what I will and will not put up with.
The best part? I don’t have to speak about any of it – it all translates through my actions 🙂
I’ve said this before, “when you’re good, you have to go and tell everyone. When you’re great, they.tell.you.” And how much sweeter is that? You never want to be a walking “look-at-me-but-only-in-the-Valencia-filter,” billboard. You want to be unforgettably real. You want to be the unicorn that you are, not some ordinary farm horse chilling with all the other horses and attracting flies.
Life is too short. Your online profiles, your heart and your mind should have no room for anyone or anything that makes you question your value.