“How to deal with rejection,” is something I’ve been searching for my entire life. Rejection and abandonment have always been my biggest fears and unfortunately, my most detonating and consistent reality. Acceptance, inclusion and validation were always the unattainable nirvana.

One of the most difficult things for me is dealing with the “constant-knawing-lingering-OCD-FBI-detective-must-find-out-why-I’m-so-unlovaeble-this-will-never-f*cking-go-away-how-can-this-happen-to-me-AGAIN,” feelings of rejection and living under the inescapable, “I’m-not-and-will-never-be-good-enough,” doom cloud.

So, how to deal with rejection… yeah, how?

How do you disable your triggers and minimize your bounce back rate? (affirmations, “don’t jump” books and telling your story to anything with a set of ears, etc., aren’t working).

Is this even possible? How long does it take to be like one of those immortal badasses that seem like they’re bulletproof teflon to any person or situation that rejects them?

Looking back, I think a big reason why I used to have such a hard time learning how to deal with rejection was because even with my painfully low self esteem, on some level, I knew that the guys I was involving myself with weren’t worthy of my love, attention and time. I knew this because even though I did everything to hang on to their beautiful words, reassurances and promises, their actions – as actions always tend to do – spoke louder and on some level, I heard it. Even at my weakest points and even though it broke my heart.

I couldn’t grasp a hold of how to deal with rejection because I was in a tailspin of confusion. I was confused as to why guys that were so unworthy of my time, love, forgiveness and attention would reject someone like me – the girl who loved without bounds or limits, forgave and gave with her whole heart.

The influence that rejection has is directly linked to your inability to love yourself

+ this song is currently one of my favs because it.is.so.true. Think about it. #youshouldgoandloveyourself.

Here’s what I’ve learned about myself, how to deal with rejection and how to avoid going down the “what’s-wrong-with-me” quicksand once and for all:

  • I used to believe that if I didn’t have to work for it, it had no value. While part of this is human nature, I took it to an unhealthy level.
  • I accepted that rejection SUCKS. Rejection hurts and that’s okay. But by trying to mask it or “act quickly” before the pain sunk in, I was drinking poison and telling myself it was wheatgrass.
  • I prided myself on being the all-loving, all-forgiving, all-understanding doormat girlfriend. While it was so easy to love (& stalk… & obsess) without boundaries, I couldn’t love myself unconditionally. I became my own worst enemy.
  • I realized that I was basing my value on these guys validating me. It was like being heartbroken that an accountant couldn’t perform surgery.
  • I owned the fact that I got myself into this and I took solace in the knowingness that I could get myself out. I finally became accountable.

Instead of wasting my time trying to figure out why the relationship didn’t work, why I was rejected, why I wasn’t enough and why he didn’t choose me, I accepted the fact that I’ll NEVER be enough for a relationship with someone that’s disconnected.

Tying my worth to it like I had been doing was as ridiculous as being upset that the sun eventually sets.

Most importantly, I learned that no friendship or romantic relationship is going to save or “make me happy,” except the one that I have with myself.

Once I acknowledged what I was exuding (and subsequently attracting), and actually owned my victim-y behavior, life not only became easier, it transformed.

And rejection? Oh yeah. It still happens and it inevitably hurts and sucks. It just doesn’t take me down. I know what I’m worth and I know what I will and will not put up with.

The best part? I don’t have to speak about any of it – it all translates through my actions 🙂

I’ve said this before, “when you’re good, you have to go and tell everyone. When you’re great, they.tell.you.” And how much sweeter is that? You never want to be a walking “look-at-me-but-only-in-the-Valencia-filter,” billboard. You want to be unforgettably real. You want to be the unicorn that you are, not some ordinary farm horse chilling with all the other horses and attracting flies.

Life is too short. Your online profiles, your heart and your mind should have no room for anyone or anything that makes you question your value.

x, N

shop the look

You May Also Like

20 comments

Reply

You’ve outdone yourself Natasha. What a beautiful piece this is. Your words, your authenticity and wisdom have healed my broken heart and saved me. Thank you will never be enough. God bless you Natasha

Reply

This commented melted my heart, Natasha’s such an inspiration to us all ☺️ X

Reply

<3 xxxx

Reply

LOVE LOVE LOVED THIS ONE! Please keep writing, you are on fire girl. Your advice not only speaks to me, but it makes actual sense and WORKS!

Reply

I actually love you, this website is the best. Thank-you.

Reply

Hi Coral,

Thanks for reading and thank YOU! I love you too sister 🙂 xxxx

Reply

This post was everything that I needed to hear. Thank you Natasha. I don’t know how someone so young could possibly have so much wisdom and such an incredibly old and beautiful soul. Like many others have said, you are a true healer. Thank you for being so open, so honest and so unafraid. I am going through a breakup right now and those feeling of rejection are always there. Thank you for making sense of it all <3 You're a true gem Natasha 🙂 xo

Reply

What a great read… and on the night that I broke my no contact after two and a half weeks. I gave in and called, he didn’t answer, now I feel crappy. Trying to not shame myself and to honor my process. Any words of encouragement for “going back to the well?”

Thank you for your wisdom and shared experiences Natasha, you are affecting lives
xoxo

Reply

Hi Robin,

Thank you so much 🙂 I love that idea! I may write a post on that, thanks Robin. The best thing that I can offer is the truth: it’s NEVER too late to decide to be done. No matter what, you can decide NOW that you are done. You didn’t cause any permanent damage. If anything, now that you’re sticking to your decision and going back to no contact, he will wonder even more why you’re unresponsive. Look at this as a good thing. You angered yourself by doing this so now you have even more of a will and reason to stick to the no contact this time and stick to it for good. I believe in you and I know you can do this. Thank you so much for the love and feedback xoxoxoxo

Reply

Oh my goodness, thank you for that perspective Natasha. What a tough grieving process this is. The paradox is that it is not in my nature to cut someone out, I have never done it with anyone in my life! So it felt like last night was me justifying that I wanted my nature and my actions to match… my nature is to be interested and caring for others so my action to support that was to reach out to say “how are you?” With no response or reply back…. I realize my nature’s actions is not for this person anymore which breaks my heart.

Thank you Natasha,
xxoo

Reply

Wow Natasha, I love this piece a thousand ways over (as usual, your timing is impeccable. I so needed to hear this … I’m hurting so much recently, thanks for replying me on my other comment post, luv u!) and I deeply appreciate that you wrote this knowing that you are going through difficult times yourself. I really really am in AWE of the love and strength you genuinely give your readers. Luv u, stay strong and all good things coming at us! xoxoxoxo HUGSS!!

Reply

Thanks Jamie <3 You are stronger and more beautiful than you even know. All my love to you too babe xx

Reply

“Natasha” – you have a gift with words!! This post really struck a cord with me in so many way’s. In particular when you wrote:

So, when they rejected me, it was a huge confirmation that not only was I forgettable, easily discarded, never enough and unlovable, but it gave me permission to continue to exist in a state of avoidance, denial, delusion and to think that I was Bad Luck Betty; the “rejected victim #1,” in the story of my sad life. I truly believed that if he couldn’t see my worth, then there really must be something wrong with me.

I have had my share of heartbreak over the years and internalize rejection very deeply. I’m a very sensitive person and much like yourself have been a people pleaser for most of my life. I am slowly but surely getting better at setting boundaries and putting my needs first. Of course I’m not perfect and still falter sometimes. Just recently I had a setback, when a man that I was in a relationship with disappeared on me. It trudged up all those feelings of being unlovable; forgettable; and easily discarded. And although the rational side of me knows that his “disappearing” is a reflection of him and his own issues, I still feel the sting of his rejection. Reading this post and knowing that I am not alone in how I am feeling and thinking has been a godsend – you’re words have healing power!! Keep writing, you’re posts are truly inspirational 🙂

Reply

Thanks Lisa! Thank YOU for allowing me to see that I’m not alone too 🙂 I promise to keep writing. Thanks for the love sister XO

Reply

Hi Natasha,

Thank you so much for your posts, honestly I’m having the hardest time ever and reading them and the comments really makes me feel better. I’m really struggling to get over a guy who led me on and then cut me out. Hes in a serious relationship and I just can’t shake the feeling of rejection. I know the only way to get over him is to forgive him but when I think about how happy he is with her and how he just doesn’t care about me at all it makes it so much harder for me to move on.
My mind is a huge mess and all I can think of is whether I ever meant anything to him. The way he was with me made me think he was emotionally unavailable but when I see how happy he is with her it’s clear that he wasn’t and he just really didn’t want me.
It been months and I know he’ll never contact me ever again and honestly I don’t even want him anymore. I just want him to atleast care about how much he hurt me but I know he never will.

Reply

Natasha,

I feel like this blog entry was so relatable. I don’t think I have ever read anything that so closely mirrored my own experiences. I am finally starting to accept my responsibility for choosing to be in relationships with emotionally unavailable men. Like you, I could not believe that someone who provided so much love and support was getting dumped by a person who never provided more than crumbs of affection, love and loyalty. I guess a part of me felt deserving of this behavior. I constantly ask myself why I keep getting hurt and why cant I just find a decent guy. I usually date the guy that all the girls want or are pining over and showering with bucket loads of attention but then that guy turns around and chooses me, the girl who gave no effort in chasing after them, the one who kept to herself until they came along and swept her off her feet. This all made me feel special and that out of all the girls he chose me, I know delusional!! Then reality would sink in and their true colors would shine through. I then felt like the validation I so desperately wanted from Mr. Wannabe George Clooney was never going to be received. It finally clicked in me that these guys weren’t choosing me because I was special it was because I put out some kind of signal that I would be easy to manipulate and I was an easy target. These guys have a radar for girls like me and I no longer want to play the victim but truly love myself enough to not hurt the one person who will never let me down, me. It only took me 30+ years to get to this point. I guess when you have had enough, you just have to take a look within and really get to the root of why certain things keep happening in your life.

Reply

Rejection and I are best friends we go waaay back. Our relationship is like an old polyester pajama , familiar yet scratchy.

Reply

LOL xo

Reply

Just love all of these. So incredibly grateful I found your blog as I am in a not so wonderful chapter in my life. Thank you, you are an inspiration.

Reply

It takes one to know one – you are an inspiration too ARA. Thank you for being a part of this tribe 🙂 xo

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *