I feel like my whole life has been this endless, sometimes embarrassing and insane, search for happiness, validation/acceptance, and love… real happiness, validation/acceptance, and love… that lasts.
I was always
so inspired felt like such sh*t, when I’d read stories of people going on a trip and having this Eat, Pray, Love epiphany experience where they came back all different and extraordinary and the experience had somehow induced this kind of badass evolution in them where they were no longer mere mortals (like me) that spent their nights cyber stalking their ex, picking their face in front of the mirror for an hour, needing alcohol to feel confident, and googling how to make a voodoo doll out of an old Cabbage Patch kid.
I wanted that kind of glorious epiphany. I wanted it more than anything.
A big reason it took me so long to actually create this blog was because I was waiting for something over-the-top-glorious-slash-monumental to happen before I felt like I’d be worthy enough to have something to say.
Did I have an epiphany? Absolutely. Was it pretty? LOL. Was it perfect? LOLOLOL! Was it just what I needed? Yes.
My epiphany ended up being a bad breakup that caused me to hit rock bottom and face what I had been avoiding my entire life: myself.
My pain became what ended up serving me the most.
There were no monks, no exotic trips, no guys, no affirmations, no gno’s, no drinks, no parties, no vacations, no friends, no self-help books, no seminars and no classes that induced any part of my epiphany.
My epiphany resulted from my bad taste in men, my low self esteem, my unhappiness, and finally putting my foot down and affirming that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I like to think of myself as patient, but the truth is when I want something, I want it. You too? I knew I liked you 🙂
You first have to ask yourself if you really want to know how to change your life for the better.
Do you want to be the happiest person you know? Do you want it now? A lot of you may think that’s an obvious and dumb question to ask, but I realized with me that while I may have been the poster child for wanting to change my life and be happy, my actions told a way different story.
I kept trying to find happiness by doing the same thing over and over (but it was never the same to me because I made sure that stupid details were different every time), and instead of examining the repetition, I just further blamed and hated on myself with every hit I so willingly set myself up for and took.
Here is the word-for-word list that I wrote on the night that I had my own epiphany. I was scared and I was crying so hard that I could barely write, but I had changed. This time, I had actually learned. I try to read this list at least once a week.
Print this out, read it, re-read it, add to it, personalize it and use what is applicable to you and what serves you. I had hit such a low point and amidst all of that pain, everything just clicked. I knew what I needed to do. I think I knew all along, I was just too scared.
Here’s how to change your life for the better. Not tomorrow, not after the new year, NOW.
Read and repeat this to yourself…
- I understand that my time here is limited. I will never get this time again. I don’t want to look back on this time in 50 years and think “God, I had so much power and beauty and strength and opportunities and I didn’t even know. What a waste!” That WON’T happen to me, it can’t. I refuse to let it. This isn’t a dress rehearsal and there are no hearses that carry luggage. I can only take the memories, the energy and the feelings that I have created in this life with me. I’m going to make sure that I create something spectacular, something that I’m proud of.
- If I don’t decide to have my own back and commit to my own happiness and self love, that means that I’m making the conscious decision to commit to my suffering.
- I’m just realizing now that the misery, unhappiness, chaos, and insecurity have been here my whole life; they’ve never NOT been around. This is why I don’t fully trust happiness. This is why I keep repeating the same patterns. This is why I’ve let decent guys go. This is why I self-sabotage. This is why my entire dating life has been different men, same pain, same problems, same treatment, same bs. I keep feeling the misery, the unhappiness, the horrible insecurity and I’m always in chaos because it’s like home to me. Anything else is uncomfortable and even though it’s what I “claim to want,” I guess I haven’t wanted it bad enough because I keep going “home.” I need to run away from home and I’m scared but I’m ready. I’m tired of looking back.
- I have to admit this: Being insecure, getting screwed over, trying to help and figure everyone out, being unhappy, and always being in some kind of internal or external drama, is comfortable for me and it’s familiar. I keep doing this to myself because if I keep feeling this way and these things keep happening, it just further validates my sh*tty mentality and my horrible luck. It also keeps me busy so I don’t have to do what i’m doing now and work on my own problems. I’m sick of the bad luck. I want to create my own damn luck.
- If I can get through this heartbreak right now, I can get through anything.
- I am going to start treating myself well in every aspect. Every time I catch myself engaging in negative self talk, I’m going to redirect that dialogue. I’m going to let go of expectations in my relationships with family and friends. I want to be better. I don’t want to feel this insecure anymore and I don’t want to always be so hurt, let down and disappointed. I need to focus on me.
- I am going to commit myself to ME for once instead of wasting my time obsessing over if I said/did the right thing, if he’ll change, if he/she likes me, if I’m good enough, etc. I’m tired of it.
- I am responsible for MY OWN happiness. Really. I am. No.one.else.
- If I’m not going to like and love me then no one else ever will.
- I am done handing over the remote control and giving people the power to make me feel bad about myself.
- I’m exhausted with trying to forgive him. I’m sick of beating myself up because I can’t forgive yet. So, I’m not going to obsess over forgiveness right now. I trust that it will organically happen and that the universe will take care of me and provide me with everything that I need.
- I don’t have a time machine, I can’t change him (because he is who he is) and what’s done is done. I’m tired. I’m going to stop making other people’s hurtful behavior about me.
- All I can do is CHOOSE to learn from this relationship and use this pain to understand myself better. I want to get to know me better. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to stop copying everyone around me. I want to be real. I’m going to work on this and start NOW.
- I want to enjoy life and I want to enjoy being me. I’m the only person that’s never given up on me. I’m the only person that’s been there through everything. I’m my own soul sister and I’m going to start treating myself like it.
- Every time that I notice that I’m seeking validation (which I do all the time and it’s my worst habit), I’m going to remind myself that seeking validation is like saying “don’t abandon me for I have abandoned myself. Tell me I matter.” I’m going to start telling myself.
You can do it. You CAN kick the f*cktard habit and you CAN figure out how to change your life for the better, right now.
Yeah, my epiphany didn’t have all the bells and whistles that I thought it would, but it was perfect for ME because it opened the door to the most beautiful, grateful, peaceful and happy existence. One that I never thought I deserved, was destined for, or even possible in this life.
You have the power to change your entire life and rewrite your story. It is your story. It’s always been and always will be. Stop handing over the pen. xx