Making a decision, committing to it and seeing it through was something that used to be
very difficult impossible for me. If you’re like I used to be and have trouble pulling the decision making trigger, you probably also have a hard time with change. You want change, you know that you NEED to change your habits and patters… but you don’t exactly know how to change.
When you need to make a change in your life and you’re coming from a place where you already can’t trust your own ears, eyes, instincts and gut, justifying the path of least resistance always beats telling your comfort zone to f*ck off.
Learning how to change took me years. Every time that I tried to figure out how to change, I either felt too overwhelmed or I’d postpone it for a day in the future that never came. There was always
an excuse fear.
That foundation made change, real change, an impossibility. My life became nothing more than a conglomerate of justifying the low grade results of my decision making, being in a constant state of emotional paralysis and being all too comfortable playing victim to the unfortunate hand I had been dealt (barf).
Here’s how to change your habits and turn the pain that’s limiting you into badass-Jedi-Master-girl-boss POWER:
- Understand that we don’t know how to change and we’re scared to make changes in our lives because we’ve been conditioned to avoid insecurity and uncertainty at all costs. We’d rather feel “certain” in a lackluster, self sabotaging existence than uncertain and scared on the road less traveled. Just like when we’d rather be in a drama infested relationsh*t where we feel painfully alone than actually be broken up from the madness and single. When I stopped viewing security as this unattainable thing only meant for “the lucky ones,” and started viewing it as a practice, my life forever changed. This not only empowered me to be accountable for and reform the fear-based and limiting habits in my life, but it made me face what was reality all along: I had way more control than I ever thought. One of my favorite quotes: “I’m a firm believer in luck. The harder I work, the luckier I get.” It.is.so.true. Luck is attracted, manifested and created by YOU, always. By viewing the sense of security I was after as a practice that I could work toward everyday through altering my habits, I started to focus on what I could control and by doing so, my momentum began to build. I was then able to operate from a place of commitment, honesty, empowerment and strength because I was no longer being bogged down by my own delusion and toxicity. My need for others to validate my judgements and decisions soon became a thing of the past. This is how I’m able to thrive despite going through a really hard time in my life right now. This is how chaos, criticisms, opinions, etc. don’t detonate me to the point of bolting myself in a coffin of fear any longer. I’m able to prevail amid chaos because I’m always rolling with my soul sister, the one that’s been there through it all: myself. And that gives me a sense of peace that no external drama could ever rob me of.
- Knowing how to change involves identifying why & when you’re putting it off. By doubting myself and procrastinating, I was always able to give myself an “out.” I kept reminding myself that I had been through “so much,” and so I waited around for life to become “easy.” I waited for Mr. Big to come up to my dumpster adjacent apartment and “save me,” provide motivation for me to change (because I had zero motivation without having a guy in my life to impress), and “make me happy.” This not only solidified my role as ambassador of crazytown, but it validated my wackiness and gave me a license to remain stuck. I kept saying that I wanted change and that I knew how to change, but I continued to subscribe and hold onto my old thoughts and habits for dear life. I had a serious lack of character and was delusional enough to believe that something would eventually “give,” when the only thing that needed to give was my non-giving self.
- You may know how to change, but really you don’t know how to change. I could tell you that I know how to have 10 million in the bank, but clearly I don’t know. I may have some awareness about how to get there, but if I truly knew how to have 10 million in the bank, it would be in my bank account right now (& I would be typing this from Dubai on a camel being fanned by feathers and fed grapes). When you know, you ARE. By admitting to yourself that yes, you may have some awareness, but you don’t know specifically how to change, you not only release the pressure and let yourself off the self-deprecating hook, but you actually make that desired knowingness so.much.more attainable by simplifying, going back to step one and viewing it as the habitual practice that it is. It doesn’t need to be so complicated.
- Take the plugs out of your nose and smell your own bs. If you’re like I used to be, you’re a walking contradiction. The reason that I avoided learning how to change for as long as I did was because I wanted to hold onto my old habits AND get the relationship that I knew I deserved even though I had no boundaries, my self esteem was nonexistent and I was never with guys that were emotionally and empathetically connected. When I recognized this, I began to see the part I played in creating and manifesting my own misery.
- EFFORT. Change doesn’t happen instantly, but it does happen. When you recognize security as the practice that it is, change becomes attainable because it’s now something that you can now work toward instead of having to hope to be “lucky” enough for someone or something to come and initiate it. If you start small and keep at it every day, you’ll start to see the benefits of your efforts and eventually, effort will be replaced with HABIT.
- No one will ever tell you this, but you WILL feel bad. When I recognized the importance of learning how to change and started to make decisions in light of having my own back, it honestly felt sh*tty. I know it sounds crazy, but I felt deprived, angry and resentful for doing something good for myself. I’d finally muster up the strength to leave a toxic friendsh*t or relationsh*t, implement boundaries, and then feel bad about and second guess it. I felt robbed of my happiness, “punished,” and I’d obsess and convince myself that I did the wrong/immature thing. I couldn’t subscribe to anything because I didn’t trust myself.
You deserve so much more than a relationsh*t, a friendsh*t and a life that may feel comfortable, but that you know deep down isn’t serving you, enriching you and contributing to your evolution.
We are wired to adapt and evolve. If we hinder our evolution in the name of comfort, we are literally going against what we are genetically engineered to endure. This is why emotional, physical and spiritual stagnation has such a negative impact on our health.
Make the decision to put an end to your own de-evolution today.
Know that you ca change. It won’t happen overnight and there are no shortcuts or quick fixes on how to change, but the rewards last a lifetime and the best part?… YOU control the outcome.
One of my biggest inspirations and someone that I was fortunate enough to meet, the amazing Wayne Dyer once said: “Infinite patience brings immediate results.”
You, your evolution and your destiny are always worth it 🙂