Growing up, I always heard a lot about self esteem and how it’s so important but just like boundaries and emotional unavailability, I didn’t know what it truly meant or how to get it. The only time I felt the importance of having self esteem was when I
got to a point hit rock bottom and began to notice a pattern in my friendships, dating life, things I had gone through and how I consistently felt, realizing that I had none of whatever happiness and “self esteem” was.
Sometimes it takes the realization that you don’t have something, even if you’ve never had it, for you to get curious enough leave the comfort of your no-action-being-taken couch and go out and get it.
I had no confidence, no self worth, no belief in myself, nothing. I was overly critical of my looks and felt like every injustice and pain I had experienced was a result of nothing more than me not being enough. I made everything about me and my inadequacies. I always looked to other people to emulate, dress like and act like because I lacked confidence and had no clue who I was. It got to a point where I even had a hard time picking out clothes to buy because I second guessed everything. I wished that I could be like the girls on tv, the girls in the magazines, the cool girls in my life, the girl that he left me for – the ones that seemed to live, breathe and exude unapologetic self esteem and confidence.
Now that I’ve stopped my previous occupation of being a professional people pleasing pedestal builder, I see that we’re all humans with our own set of problems, damage, insecurities and a ton of what I was ooo-ing and awe-ing over was a whole lot of smoke and mirrors. I was chasing the superficial idea of “self-esteem” and my life had become the age-old practice of following the follower. I was nothing more than a boring, supporting character in my own life that still felt like the little girl that got picked on, rejected and abandoned no matter how many years had passed.
So what is self esteem?
And how do you exactly go about getting self esteem and confidence?
Self esteem is knowing that you have value and treating yourself in accordance with that knowingness.
Confidence and treating yourself as a valuable being that matters, go hand in hand.
When you have low self-esteem, you’ll always look to other people and possessions to grant you your worth This is why I had such a hard time with breakups and good byes because I invested my worth in others and didn’t know how to exist once their part in my life story had ended. I was letting other people, relationships, my childhood and the past write MY story.
This is also why I have so many hot, rich, successful and talented ex boyfriends– I used to equate my value and how I felt about me to the attention that I could command from a commitment-phobe, reluctant f*cktard and also to their accomplishments, talents and power. I was the president of the “Self Esteem by Association” Club, as are the majority of people on this planet. I truly believed that if I could have the “popular” friends, the powerful guy, the guy that was a complete piece of sh*t but could perform surgery or swing a baseball bat at a professional level, that HAD to mean I was something special.
With low self-esteem, you look for people, possessions and situations (and sometimes alcohol, drugs, activities), to CREATE feelings in you that you’ve never felt and are incapable of feeling for yourself.
You make superficial and external solutions to your internal, red flag problems and, I am SO GUILTY OF THIS- you go after and are attracted to people that you can help change/save/ “solve” so that YOU can be the mommy/savior/ “SOLUTION” to the PROBLEM that they are. The “love” that you have for yourself is conditional and solely based upon the shaky foundation and unpredictability of attaining validation from f*cktard people and waiting around to see if you’re “special” enough or if you “matter” enough to get them to change out of being the f*cktard that they’ve always been.
One of the biggest ways that I built my self esteem was by making the effort to begin to match my words with my actions. I not only became a lot more careful about what I said, but I ceased becoming the crazy girl that’s all talk and nothing to show for because there was really nothing to keep saying and going on about any longer (I was too busy doing). I started to ACT and since most people can’t do that, people’s respect for me started to go up as did my own self respect. I was distinguishing myself from “the crowd” without even trying as I had so desperately tried my whole life. I did this until I could do it without awareness or effort; until It became unconsciously seamless. When I started to align my ACTIONS with my nature, everything changed. It wasn’t easy, but it was simple enough for me to try.
Now, whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship that I have, if it doesn’t work out, I don’t automatically think “I must not be enough. I’m broken. What’s wrong with me?” I think “this isn’t going to work out and that’s okay.”
And then, as Jay Z says… on to the next. No drama, no need for “closure,” no validation seeking, no long, drawn out discussions that will just end as me being labeled “crazy,” no obsessing, no second guessing no nothing because I value me and I know I’ll be okay. Next!
If you REALLY want to know how you truly feel about yourself- look at your relationships.
I used to struggle with setting boundaries and I found myself being a professional doormat because I DIDN’T BELIEVE that I was worthwhile enough to have boundaries, let alone a voice of my own. I thought that if I had boundaries, people would perceive me as rude or immature. I had to believe it first.
I was so envious of everyone that had the relationship, the possessions, the confidence, the “good luck” and the life that I wanted. I thought it was their good looks, their money, their charm, their accomplishments or that they were just “the lucky ones,” the cool kids. WRONG! These people were no different than me. The only DIFFERENCE was that they had boundaries.
It’s time to decide that you are worth it. It’s time to start sticking up for and getting behind YOU.
Start to build value for yourself in your own eyes by committing to keep the promises that you make to yourself.
Stop believing that you were born to live this life with low self esteem and “bad luck.” Bounce from the people and situations that dim your light.
My biggest hope from creating this blog was not to tell any of you what to do or how to be as much as I aim to just hold a mirror up to you all and get you to see how beautiful, capable and one-of-a-kind the reflection really is.