relationship fantasy of mine, I am always “the one that got away” after a breakup. Always. Even after years have passed, (in my mind) I’m still remembered by my exes as “the irreplaceable gem,” that slipped right through the cracks; the girl that he “really screwed it up with,” and the one relationship that he can’t.ever.get.over because he still feels so badly that he f*cked up and lost it all with the one girl that loved him like no one else ever would or could. In my mind, I’m basically the reason this song was written.
While Fantasyland is a super fun place to inhabit, a few years ago I decided to acquaint myself with reality and in the process, I realized that I was never the one that got away. I was the batsh*t-crazy-psycho-ex-girlfriend that had let her insecurities, fears, issues (abandonment issues, trust issues, mommy issues, daddy issues), pain and rejection, get the best of her.
So what gives? How did I finally make the change from borderline-illegal-wild-banshee-FBI-stalking-psychosis to the cool, kind, genuine, classy lady (and probable soulmate) that remained on the white horse and embodies the meaning of “the one that got away,” to this day?
Here’s what you need to know…
The # 1 reason that you would ever be labeled “the crazy psycho ex” instead of “the one that got away,” always boils down to the inability to speak with your actions.
Do the one thing that your ex (and most people on this planet) can’t do – speak with your actions. Speaking with your actions is scary and hard to do at first because it goes against everything that we’re taught as kids. What happens then? We grow into adults that feel ashamed for having boundaries, having our own backs and loving who we are.
Speaking with your actions gets easier when you start to see the transformative effect that it has. When you speak with your actions, you put an immediate end to your run as ambassador of crazytown. Why? Because you give people absolutely no words to mince, twist and use against you down the line. You eternally remain on the white horse because instead of being cruel, creating drama, losing your sh*t trying to get your point across; trying to get him to empathize and trying to be “heard” and “right,” you let your actions do all of the talking for you.
Don’t get mad/crazy/psycho, disappear.
And even if you can’t physically disappear, you can emotionally disappear by having boundaries, which will help you eventually attain indifference (even if that means faking it until you make it while you stalk on the dl, have breakdowns in the bathroom stall, come back here to the blog 736512635 times a day every time you miss and want to text him, etc.). If you have to see this person at school, work or because of circumstances out of your control, you can still speak with your actions by not engaging on any level other than the surface stuff and keeping everything at a minimal, concise and boundary’d manner, no matter what he says or how much it hurts.
You can do it and remember, you’ll most likely be made to feel bad about speaking with your actions. Don’t worry about it. Stay in your lane.
We can get addicted to wanting to talk things over and over (and over), so that we can delay the inevitable and try one last time to see if we’re “special enough” for them to want to change. This makes us look desperate and nuts.
We want to have “talks” and explain to people why they hurt us, how they hurt us and why what they did was wrong. The thing is, if these people were capable of respect in the first place, you wouldn’t be reading this now. So, wtf is the point of explaining to someone, that has consistently proven to you that they don’t understand respect, how they hurt you? Oh you’ve seen them respect people though? That’s because they want something from them.
Aim to Forgive & Let Go
Forgiveness isn’t about condoning what happened or accepting injustice. It’s also not something that you can just decide to do and do it right there and then. There’s no light switching in forgiveness. It happens organically as you begin to accept what is and let go of the hope that what has transpired, could have been any different. You make peace with the present moment and in turn reclaim your power.
Crazytown ONLY behind closed doors
Stalk, obsess, cry, kick, scream, shout… do it all in the privacy of your own space.
Feel your feelings and feel your pain. It will eventually pass through you. If you remain in a state of avoidance, the pain will fester and spread like a cancer, creating dis-ease in the body and it will “inspire” you to do and say embarrassing sh*t that you’ll regret down the line.
YOU, YOU, YOUUUU
Get a life by focusing on yourself. Want to be the one that got away? Invest in yourself. I’ve created some of my best work, gotten in the best shape of my life and grown so much during the most dark, difficult and painful times in my life. Use your pain as the instrument for becoming who you’re truly meant to be in this life.
By speaking with your actions, you give the other person a chance to not only miss the old you that used to mistake their chain yanks for sincerity and their crumbs for a loaf, but you reintroduce them to who you truly are and you give them the chance to see that there is a real consequence for being reckless with your heart: your eternal absence. Baiiiiii.
Being the one that got away isn’t this unattainable fairytale myth. It’s about recognizing when you’re triggered, taking action in your own life, disengaging from the bs, validating yourself and appearing to not give a f*ck until the day comes when you actually don’t (I promise, that day will come).