No matter where I am in the world, the number one question I get asked always boils down to how to attract men; healthy, soul-mate-status relationships and friendships.
My “I’ll never be good enough” pain, disease to please and lack of love for myself used to be so bad, I felt completely hopeless and alone. I was never understood or appreciated, always embarrassed and eternally tried so.cringe-worthy.hard, to get any kind of a SCRAP of attention, validation and love. You know, those things that came so easily to everyone else around me, the people that never tried. My whole life, I just wanted to fit in and be seen by somebody, anybody.
And the truth is, no knight in shining armor ever came to my emotional door.
Fast forward through a lot of bs and I’m finally at a place in my life that I thought was only possible for the people I stalked (& pathetically tried to copy) on Instagram.
Today, and for years now, I’ve been living the relationship and friendship dream.
I have nothing to prove anymore. There’s no need to announce or make it known how happy I am, how in love I am or how solid my relationships are. I have other priorities and desires today. Instead of always gearing up for some delusional combat against a doubter, a hater or rehearsing ways to garner attention and approval, I just LIVE. Happily.
“When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great, they’ll tell you” – Walter Payton
Looking over this big, bright city that’s known for the seemingly unattainable; unfairly beautiful angels and stars that inhabit it, I can’t even take a sip of tea before overhearing women – INTELLIGENT, BADASS, INTERESTING & BEAUTIFUL women and girlfriends of mine – complaining about how they can’t attract a good man (aka a physically and emotionally available man), to save their lives. This “wtf-is-wrong-with-me-I-don’t-even know-what-to-do-anymore-what’s-the-use-I-give-the-f*ck-up,” feeling that not knowing how to attract men breeds, is obviously not just limited to the City of Angels.
It’s a world wide, shoot-me-now epidemic.
The reason that I mention Los Angeles is because living in this city has provided me with the key in cracking the “how to attract men,” code.
How do you attract men, GOOD men; HEALTHY friendships & once-in-a-lifetime relationships that enrich your life instead of subtracting from your spirit, sanity and soul?
The answer is so simple, I couldn’t even make it into a list. It does take some explaining though because it’s always harder to believe that a simple answer really is THE answer.
Here’s how to attract men, how to confidently call your own shots and put an end to the obsessing, the second guessing, the mind f* king madness and the social anxiety once and for all…
The first thing you need to understand is that no matter how many successes you have in life, you’ll always feel like a failure living a depressing, lackluster existence if there’s no connection and meaning in any of those successes.
It doesn’t matter how amazing your successes may be. If you can’t connect, you’ll always be the self imposed fool that didn’t LET YOURSELF IN on your own practical joke.
Connection and meaning are the only things that will ever give that radiant light and life to anything that you do.
One of my favorite people, Tony Robbins, always talks about how success without fulfillment is the ultimate failure. And as I’ve said before – you could have sex, workout, pray, go to therapy, do yoga, get a blowout, go to church, buy that pair of Louboutins, volunteer, call your family, go on vacation, lose weight, party with your friends, get some cosmetic TLC, go to work, etc.
… SUCCESS, right? Well, yeah, but if there’s no meaning, reasoning or connection, wtf are you doing? What do you really have??
What you have is someone that I used to be: a professional auditioner.
Auditioning reduced me to an emotional stepford wife; totally reliant on the superficial.
Some people, generally those of the emotionally unavailable, narcissistic or sociopathic species, “make it big” in their lives and become professional actors – not like the ones on the big screen here in Los Angeles, but emotional vampires that are so f*cking convincing, they’ll have you believing the sun rises in the evening as they’re undoing your bra.
And because they’re such good actors, they’ll ACT like they’re all that, but ultimately aim to make you feel the way that they feel about themselves: never good enough.
So what does this have to do with learning how to attract men?
What’s the secret in mastering how to attract men, healthy relationships & friendships?
STOP auditioning. Stop working so hard to reach that “professional actor status.” I promise you, the result will be so unfulfilling. You want to know how to attract men, healthy relationships, genuine friendships and call your own shots? Make the DECISION to start CONNECTING.
If you do a simple Google search of “how to attract men,” here are some of the things that come up:
- Be mysterious
- Play hard to get
- DISPLAY intelligence and depth
- Dress for him, not other women.
- Flirt with body movements and body language
- Wear perfume
- Don’t ACT desperate or slutty/easy
- Put your best assets on display
And the contradictory list goes on.
Here’s the thing – yes, it’s important to make sure that you look and feel good, but beyond being insulting and setting you up for epic failure (so you can continue on a low self esteem, answer-seeking binge with hopefully your credit card in hand), all that the above points do is teach you how to AUDITION. Think about it. All of those “tips” are absolutely no different than what an actor auditioning for a role would employ.
Are auditions effective? Definitely. Some auditions turn into one-night stands, some turn into relationsh*ts, friendsh*ts and some even turn into sh*tty, disconnected and failed marriages.
Because the people involved lack a desire and capacity to genuinely connect, the relationship can never be meaningful. And because it isn’t meaningful, what you’re left with is a “successful” union: 2 people that despite being together, always feel like there’s something missing because the foundation of their emotional home is composed of bs AUDITIONING.
I auditioned my entire life. I auditioned for MY PARENTS (omg did I do this), friends, family, teachers, classmates, bosses, coworkers & men.
Looking back, whenever I felt like I “got the part,” it was just that – a role; a part to PLAY. And as much as I hoped and dreamed for that once-in-a-lifetime connection with my Prince Charming, what I didn’t realize was that I was single-handedly robbing myself of the one thing I craved above all. In fact, the lack of connection in my life was the sole source of my unhappiness.
I thought that if I could “be good enough” and give the perfect audition, it would be a precursor to automatic and soul-mate-level connectivity between me and the other person.
Engaging in this pattern busied me up to such an extent, I became obsessed with perfecting my audition. This gave me a license to delusionally avoid connecting with myself (so that I didn’t have to genuinely connect with others), and continue to stay invested in the superficial.
Why Do We Engage In Auditioning?
We audition because it’s the cheapest and most accessible armor available to those who lack self esteem. As long as we focus on and obsess over on how we’re being perceived, it blocks us from having to ever be vulnerable. It also prevents us from potentially being rejected for the one thing that we’re the most scared of being: OURSELVES.
We subconsciously know that when we audition, there’s a higher probability of rejection. Also, we need validation like we need oxygen and auditions are ONLY about validation. If we get rejected, we take it personally and fill the self-fulfilling prophecy of “I’m not good/pretty/sexy/perfect enough,” which makes us even more laser focused on “getting it right” the next time.
Because we’re obsessed with the superficial, we only attract other superficially-based people (and then wonder why we don’t feel connected to our partner).
Bottom Line: How to Attract Men (& good people in general)
When you’re talking to a man, a friend, coworker, family member or even if it’s the person handing you your morning coffee or bagging your groceries, make an effort to stop auditioning. Look them in the eye, smile and ask them how they’re doing. When you stop being obsessed with how you’re coming across and being perceived, you’re more able to focus on what really matters: figuring out if there’s even a connection there (and brightening someone’s day).
Take yourself off the emotional hook. No matter who you’re talking to, ask yourself this question: “how can I connect here?” This puts an end to crippling social anxiety (because you’re no longer wondering if you have a hair out of place, sound stupid, or have something in your teeth). And if after talking with them you realize that there’s not a connection, you no longer take it personally.
It’s like if I went to some remote location and started crying because I had no cell connection. “But I’m a great customer! I pay my bill on time every month!” It’s not about me not being a good customer, it’s just a bad connection due to being in a sh*t area.
What turns men on the most is women who put their desire for CONNECTION on the forefront. NOT validation. The ability to invest in connecting translates to the right men as confident, independent and “be-my-baby-mama,” sexy.
Good guys (yes, they’re out there), don’t continue to take advantage of women that audition. They’re just turned off by it.
Conventional beauty will fade after a few minutes if you’re an uninteresting person (yawn) that’s obsessed with being perfect (double yawn).
Think about it – here in Los Angeles, hundreds of thousands of actors audition every day. Auditioning is so nerve wracking because you can’t connect with the one person that’s hopefully going to hire, employ, validate and recognize your talent (the casting director). The only thing you can connect with is the CHARACTER that you’re TRYING TO PORTRAY.
Make the decision to stop auditioning and WATCH your life and relationship luck transform. Approach every interaction with: “How can I connect? How can I be of service? How can I give what I wish would be given to me and how can I give it without any intention of emotional payback?” The universe will boomerang it right back to you every time.
The key to getting out of the bad luck with men, out of the pain and out of the anxiety is by GETTING OUT of your own “must be perfect” head. It’s great to have high standards, but perfectionism is truly the most destructive standard you can hold yourself to.
When I look back and think about it, the majority of the time I wasted nervously obsessing about a mediocre date, a fleeting conversation, job interview, etc., I failed to acknowledge that I didn’t even CARE about the guy, convo, job, etc.
Because I was so obsessed with “getting the part,” and coming across a certain way, it sent a signal to my ego that I screwed up and that I must have missed out on my once-in-a-lifetime “dream role.” This is why most couples on the Bachelor struggle – the contestants have so little time with the Bachelor, they HAVE to be extra image conscious in the beginning (audition x infinity), which robs BOTH people of the chance to investigate whether there’s a genuine connection until much later down the line when hearts, egos and drama is involved.
Guess what? You’re ALREADY LIVING that dream role – you are the only main character in your life story and you can choose to take back the pen and rewrite it any time you want.
No auditions necessary 🙂
Love you all x