Ghosting in dating SUCKS. Every 30 seconds, somewhere in the world, 5 out of every 5 people are getting ghosted. Ghosting is maddening, ego-shattering, heartbreaking, insecurity-igniting and wtf-is-wrong-with-me, embarrassing. And it doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships. It happens with friends too.
Just a few months ago, I was ghosted by a girlfriend. It had been a while since the last time I was ghosted and it totally triggered me into the “must find out why I’m not good enough/getting a response,” quicksand.
Sometimes, after a few weeks or months have passed since the ghosting, as if we haven’t felt the rejection and pain enough, we’ll find out that the person who ghosted us has made a big change – they got engaged, had a baby, got that promotion, eloped, met someone that’s everything we’re not, etc., all while we’re eating a croissant, screen-shotting and zooming in with nothing better to do.
I didn’t get how anyone could do this. There’s no way I could ever ghost anyone because although I’m recovering from my disease to please, I’m still, to this day, too much of a people pleaser to ghost (which I’m pretty sure is the only benefit of being a people pleaser).
Okay so you go on a few whatever dates or you have an acquaintance that’s fun for a few brunches and gno’s, but eventually, you guys stop talking. Or, you’re in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable guy that has consistently been shady and disrespectful to you, so you eventually decide to speak with your actions and cut him off. That’s not ghosting, that’s just what happens sometimes in life.
The thing with ghosting in dating, committed relationships or in friendships, is that the whole time, you’re under the assumption that you’ve got a good thing going until all of a sudden, you don’t. You don’t have a f*cking thing. Not an explanation, not a returned 736812736 calls/texts/Snaps/DMs, nada.
Is it really THAT hard to reply? It is really THAT easy to pretend we never met? Is it really THAT hard to acknowledge someone’s existence (that didn’t ever intentionally hurt you like this)? Is it really THAT cool to be so uncool?
Why is ghosting in dating and friendships such an epidemic? Why do people ghost?
& HOW can you lessen the impact of being ghosted and turn yourself into the ultimate ghostbuster?
Here’s why ghosting in dating and friendships has turned into an epidemic + why people ghost:
Ghosting doesn’t seem “new-agey” to me at all. Yawn. It’s an out-dated and lame way of making an adult-thumb-sucking kind of pathetic, exit. This has nothing to do with advances in technology or new generations. Ghosting in dating and friendships happens to the extent that it does because we live in a world where the real currency and oxygen are not money and air. They’re validation and reactivity.
Eve.ry.one wants to feel validated. Some people are so desperate for validation though, that they’ll go down the most unhealthy and heartless avenues to attain it. Their validation is dependent on how much of a reaction they can elicit from people. It’s the only way that they can maintain feeling like they matter and continue to poorly conceal the one thing that they try with all their might to guard: their f*cktardery.
So does ghosting in dating and friendships JUST happen because people want validation and a reaction? No, but people who need reactivity and validation like they need air to breathe and a non-negative bank account, are more likely to CHOOSE ghosting when wanting to end a relationship as opposed to communicating in a decent, adult and respectful manner.
They choose ghosting because they not only get what they want (the relationship to end), but they also get the added benefit of seeing your reaction; how much of a command they have over your emotional state.
5 things to know about ghosters:
- The ability to ghost people and having healthy levels of self esteem will never coexist. Bottom line: There’s no point in “retaliation” or “revenge” against a ghoster. These are people who already feel sh*tty enough about themselves to begin with or they wouldn’t have to do the ice-out-cop-out. The misery that they feel about themselves on a daily basis is their punishment.
- They’re the most avoidant people that you will ever meet. And avoidance is one of those deal breaker red flags that will never allow a healthy and mutual relationship/connection to develop. Ever.
- They sh*t their emotional shorts. They are so conflict and “difficult conversation” avoidant that they would rather go MIA with their adult binky in tow than have a 2 second conversation with kindness and grace. I mean, how hard is it to say “I’m sorry, but I can’t continue on in this relationship.”
- They’re empathetically bankrupt. Without empathy, you’ve got nothing.
- They’re emotionally constipated. And because of this, they’re only capable of relationsh*ts
HOW can you lessen the impact of being ghosted and turn yourself into the ultimate ghostbuster?
Yeah, ghosting hurts and it sucks to go through, but if you find it emotionally detonating you, this is what you need to know…
Understand and acknowledge that the ONLY reason ghosting in dating and friendships has such a heavy, painful and long lasting impact on you is because you’re making the emotional amateur hour of a grown adult, all about you not being “enough.”
It hurt like hell when my girlfriend ghosted me but at the end of the day, I had to keep reminding myself of the truth:
Even though the relationship had ended, I could walk away knowing that I’m still Natasha, I’m still me. I’m an awesome girlfriend and any attempts at a genuine connection, whether they be in love or friendship, are always a risk worth taking. What isn’t a risk worth taking? Banking on a f*cktard to be decent and tying your worth to the subsequent indecency.
This is how you avoid being a doormat, a closed-off ice queen, a psycho answer-seeking stalker, and just be: Accept when people show you who they are.
There’s no need to dig, FBI-style investigate, reach out and search for “answers.” The 5 reasons above will give you more peace than continuing to knock on anyone’s closed door ever will. You’ll only drain yourself of your dignity.