Ghosting in dating SUCKS. Every 30 seconds, somewhere in the world, 5 out of every 5 people are getting ghosted. Ghosting is maddening, ego-shattering, heartbreaking, insecurity-igniting and wtf-is-wrong-with-me, embarrassing. And it doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships. It happens with friends too.

Just a few months ago, I was ghosted by a girlfriend. It had been a while since the last time I was ghosted and it totally triggered me into the “must find out why I’m not good enough/getting a response,” quicksand.

Sometimes, after a few weeks or months have passed since the ghosting, as if we haven’t felt the rejection and pain enough, we’ll find out that the person who ghosted us has made a big change – they got engaged, had a baby, got that promotion, eloped, met someone that’s everything we’re not, etc., all while we’re eating a croissant, screen-shotting and zooming in with nothing better to do.

I didn’t get how anyone could do this. There’s no way I could ever ghost anyone because although I’m recovering from my disease to please, I’m still, to this day, too much of a people pleaser to ghost (which I’m pretty sure is the only benefit of being a people pleaser).

Okay so you go on a few whatever dates or you have an acquaintance that’s fun for a few brunches and gno’s, but eventually, you guys stop talking. Or, you’re in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable guy that has consistently been shady and disrespectful to you, so you eventually decide to speak with your actions and cut him off. That’s not ghosting, that’s just what happens sometimes in life

The thing with ghosting in dating, committed relationships or in friendships, is that the whole time, you’re under the assumption that you’ve got a good thing going until all of a sudden, you don’t. You don’t have a f*cking thing. Not an explanation, not a returned 736812736 calls/texts/Snaps/DMs, nada.

Is it really THAT hard to reply? It is really THAT easy to pretend we never met? Is it really THAT hard to acknowledge someone’s existence (that didn’t ever intentionally hurt you like this)? Is it really THAT cool to be so uncool?

Why is ghosting in dating and friendships such an epidemic? Why do people ghost?

& HOW can you lessen the impact of being ghosted and turn yourself into the ultimate ghostbuster?

Here’s why ghosting in dating and friendships has turned into an epidemic + why people ghost:

Ghosting doesn’t seem “new-agey” to me at all. Yawn. It’s an out-dated and lame way of making an adult-thumb-sucking kind of pathetic, exit. This has nothing to do with advances in technology or new generations. Ghosting in dating and friendships happens to the extent that it does because we live in a world where the real currency and oxygen are not money and air. They’re validation and reactivity.

Eve.ry.one wants to feel validated. Some people are so desperate for validation though, that they’ll go down the most unhealthy and heartless avenues to attain it. Their validation is dependent on how much of a reaction they can elicit from people. It’s the only way that they can maintain feeling like they matter and continue to poorly conceal the one thing that they try with all their might to guard: their f*cktardery.

So does ghosting in dating and friendships JUST happen because people want validation and a reaction? No, but people who need reactivity and validation like they need air to breathe and a non-negative bank account, are more likely to CHOOSE ghosting when wanting to end a relationship as opposed to communicating in a decent, adult and respectful manner.

They choose ghosting because they not only get what they want (the relationship to end), but they also get the added benefit of seeing your reaction; how much of a command they have over your emotional state.

5 things to know about ghosters:

  1. The ability to ghost people and having healthy levels of self esteem will never coexist. Bottom line: There’s no point in “retaliation” or “revenge” against a ghoster. These are people who already feel sh*tty enough about themselves to begin with or they wouldn’t have to do the ice-out-cop-out. The misery that they feel about themselves on a daily basis is their punishment.
  2. They’re the most avoidant people that you will ever meet. And avoidance is one of those deal breaker red flags that will never allow a healthy and mutual relationship/connection to develop. Ever.
  3. They sh*t their emotional shorts. They are so conflict and “difficult conversation” avoidant that they would rather go MIA with their adult binky in tow than have a 2 second conversation with kindness and grace. I mean, how hard is it to say “I’m sorry, but I can’t continue on in this relationship.”
  4. They’re empathetically bankrupt. Without empathy, you’ve got nothing.
  5. They’re emotionally constipatedAnd because of this, they’re only capable of relationsh*ts

HOW can you lessen the impact of being ghosted and turn yourself into the ultimate ghostbuster?

Yeah, ghosting hurts and it sucks to go through, but if you find it emotionally detonating you, this is what you need to know…

Understand and acknowledge that the ONLY reason ghosting in dating and friendships has such a heavy, painful and long lasting impact on you is because you’re making the emotional amateur hour of a grown adult, all about you not being “enough.”

If you had healthier levels of self esteem and self love, yeah ghosting would hurt but it’s effect would not be nearly as long, impactful and damaging. 

It hurt like hell when my girlfriend ghosted me but at the end of the day, I had to keep reminding myself of the truth:

Even though the relationship had ended, I could walk away knowing that I’m still Natasha, I’m still me. I’m an awesome girlfriend and any attempts at a genuine connection, whether they be in love or friendship, are always a risk worth taking. What isn’t a risk worth taking? Banking on a f*cktard to be decent and tying your worth to the subsequent indecency.

This is how you avoid being a doormat, a closed-off ice queen, a psycho answer-seeking stalker, and just be: Accept when people show you who they are.

There’s no need to dig, FBI-style investigate, reach out and search for “answers.” The 5 reasons above will give you more peace than continuing to knock on anyone’s closed door ever will. You’ll only drain yourself of your dignity.

xx, N

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18 comments

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Thank you for healing my broken heart. God bless you Natasha. You have a gift that I’m not even sure you’re fully aware of ~ xoxo D

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SO true. This is by far the best article on ghosting that’s out there. Thanks Natasha.

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Hi Natasha,

What a lovely interesting topic. I have had plenty of experience in ghosting: I have been in both sides. I dated a very charming guy (you know about this 😉 then he ghosted on me, I had a very low self esteem at that point, I was very insecure and this bs of an action impacted me twice as hard. I am glad I turned to you for an advice and still working on what you said. It is a horrible feeling, you feel as if you are not good enough for them, to be in their company and they come up with millions of reason if you suddenly bump into them. Very poor and to be honest I am happy I am not their friend, THEY DON’T DESERVE TO BE IN MY COMPANY. Had they been decent person they would have communicated with you rather than disappearing, very cheap.
However, I did some bad myself. Few years ago I had several friends. What they all had in common was gossiping and negativety. Everytime in their company I felt extremly drained out of energy. I decided just to cut them off without giving reasons. I know this is very bad of me, but I couldn’t really face confrontation face to face why I didn’t want to hang out with them anymore. Now I choose my friends very carefully and I have set a healthy boundries in regards to what I share, how much I share and amount of time I spent with friends in general.
Do you remember Natash, you told me to turn inwards, that was a life changing advice. Thank you for listening and giving advice and I am still working on this. Its is journey I’ve started.

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Hi Shahane!! Thank you so much 🙂

I am so proud of you and how far you’ve come. You are such a beautiful, aware and wise-beyond-your-years, soul. This was and is ALL you Shahane, you did it. You had all of the tools all along. I’m honored to be a small part of your evolution and realizations. Your future is going to thank you for all of the heartbreak that you’ve learned and grown from. We are all a work in progress but as long as we have each other for support, that’s half the battle right there <3 xxxxxx

Thank you for YOUR love and support, always.

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O.M.G. Again, wow. Just wow. Soooo amazingly well said. You DO have a gift for this, Natasha. A gift for turning confusion and bewilderment into crystal-clear SENSE for everyone who struggles with these thoughts and issues and the pain that it causes them. It’s like the closure that we need — which, of course, will never be given to us by the cowardly “ghoster”. These ghosts are officially BUSTED!!!!!

Thanks, Natasha! 👏😏👍

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YAY!!! Thank you so much Karen 🙂 I’m so glad that it helped XOXOXO

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Once again, you’ve knocked it out of the park. Your posts keep getting better and better. To me, the bottom line is this: focus more on you and your own feelings and self-esteem because looking anywhere else but inward leads to nothing but trouble. I’ve spent so much time wondering why this or that person ghosted. I will never spend another minute of my energy on it. They always ghost because they have emotional arrested development.

Natasha, I was looking for your other recent post on when will an ex get in touch but couldn’t find it. It was a great one. Did you take it down? Thanks for all the words of wisdom. Sending you lots of love!

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YES! I couldn’t agree with you more. Thank you so much Jillian 🙂 That particular post had a bizarre formatting error that my web technician is looking into. If it can’t get fixed, I’ll rewrite on the topic (I have even more to say now haha), & have it up ASAP. Thanks for the love and support sister xo

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Natasha, you keep on doing it! You are the epitomeeee of beauty and brains. I am loving you, your outlook on life and just everything about you. I had an interesting relationship 2014 and had so many revelations. All I can say from reading your articles is that: You are yet to tell one lie. You are spot on and your responses to people’s enquiries brings me to tears. Love u loads. All the way from Nigeria 😘

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Hi Kendall!! Thank you so much. I can’t begin to tell you just how much your love and support means to me. Love you too! XOXO

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So I can just add to that
Met a guy online, we were messaging, then first date was great.
He asked for a second date and again it was great. He was even planning where we would go for dinner next time during that date . Then after 2nd date on Saturday silence , 3 days later a message and and on Thursday he was asking what I was doing on the weekend . I texted I was going to visit my friend an hour away and I would stay over night as we haven’t seen each other for 2 months . So after that two days of silence and suddenly on Saturday he texted saying he lost his phone on Friday night in a cab and only got it back now. Which was not true I think as he was seen on Facebook few hours earlier and whatsapp said the same. Then on Monday he asked when we would meet again and I said anytime when you are free, is Thursday good? Where would you like to meet up. Silence till Thursday afternoon when he texted he was ill. I said ok, so we will meet another time?
He texted saying , well I’m gonna be fine by Saturday , are you free? I replied I’m away cos my cousin is having a knee surgery and I’m gonna be back on Sunday
His answer was, mmmm.. Shame cos I haven’t seen you for a while now
My Last text said , are you free Sunday or Monday ? We can meet then 🙂
Nothing – 4 days no reply so I just deleted his number cos I found it extremely disrespectful when sb ignores you
But it’s not me I was nice, it’s him who clearly has issues
Normally I would have tried asking what happened or text a guy but since I first read your blog in March I have some self respect and confidence to just leave things like this and move on
He clearly is a f**ktard haha

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Yayyyy. Happy to hear that you’re having your own back! 🙂 XOXO

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Hi Natasha, thank you so much as usual for your amazing insights. I have read this article many times since being ghosted 4 months ago by someone I had been in a relationship with for 6 months and it has been so helpful, empowering and healing. Yesterday, I received an email from the person who ghosted me. I haven’t read it… and am wondering if you think I should. Part of me wants to hear his reasons and excuses but the other part of me doesn’t want to waste anymore of my time and empathy. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

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Hi Megan! 🙂 I would toss it. Wish I had more time to type it out and elaborate. Thx for your understanding and love. xo

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I ghosted a malignant narcissist after dating him for one year and 7 months to the day. It was by far the most painful relationship I have ever been in in my entire life. My ghosting was justified!

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Hi Joy! That’s not ghosting, that’s having healthy boundaries and speaking with your actions when you’ve tried before and know that it’s no longer worth engaging in the toxicity. Ghosting is rooted in avoidance, not having your own back as you SO AWESOMELY did! 🙂 XOX

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I was ghosted after a nine year relationship, five of which he lived with me and my two girls. He broke up thinking he was in a midlife crisis and wanted at 47 to focus on his “music” or bar bands. He immediatley regretted it and spent the next 3 months saying we were going to work it out and ghosting me. The final he kept texting and we talked. He could not believe he let stuff get between us etc. Keep in mind I did not fully know he was hooking up with his 27 year old girl band-mate off and on. It was me he wanted, he had been so lost. coming sat to see me, start over and lets send pictures while he was playing before then,. After a few texts that Saturday, I never heard from him again. And 7 days later she is posting pictures of her new boyfriend, him. I don’t even know where to begin. Who is this person? How do people who call you the love of their life, share everything and you are best friends do things like that?

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Hi Tiffany! You are not alone. I wish that I could elaborate further and give my thoughts, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day.

Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog.

I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help further 🙂 The link to it is on the homepage.

All my love to you soul sister.

You’re not alone xo

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