Once upon a time, there was a young, naive 21-year-old college student named Natasha who met a tall, dark and handsome, nationally ranked, big-deal college athlete that was everything she had ever dreamed of wanting and more. He was her first big encounter with the f*cktard species, with emotional unavailability, assholery and all around avoidant, tell-her-what-she-wants-to-hear-just-to-pacify-her-for-now, promise-her-a-furture-together, who-cares-how-I-treat-her-I-know-she’ll-just-blame-herself-and-I-can-continue-to-use-her, had-her-ovulating-at-“hello,” f*cktard who only showed the slightest sign of emotion, devotion or interest when there was a possibility of hooking up or a possibility of her doing something for him.
Natasha was so wrapped up in landing such a dreamboat of a guy, that in her delusional mind they lived very “happily” until one day, after making out with her for 15 minutes on the couch, he stopped and with the kind of disingenuous hesitation that would make reality tv look like the Academy Awards, he broke up with her. It was over and she was destroyed. She had zero self esteem and couldn’t carry on. She wanted to know why why whyyy and needed talk to him about how she felt. He was done and her “prince” was in all systems shutdown mode. He already had plans later that night with a new flame. Natasha was completely humiliated, depressed and broken…
For a long time, that “dot dot dot …” instead read: “and she never got back up. The End.”
And it was the end. In so many ways, it was. It was the end of the fairytale in my head, it was the end of having this guy by my side that made me feel like I was worth something because he had chosen me; it was the end of my backbone, the end of my pride, the end of my belief in myself, the end of my self worth and the end of my happiness. My fairytale had passed. It was a bad breakup. FML to infinity and beyond.
Instead of committing to doing the work of turning inward, focusing on myself and exchanging the brutal, short-term pain for a lifetime of peace, intact self esteem and confidence, I stayed stagnant and chose to focus on every last detail of the breakup. I was depressed without even acknowledging how serious my depression had become. I would try to move on and succeeded at going through the motions. I’d fall into deep (super embarrassing) lust with a guy after one date or a reply to my text. I was a shell of my former self. I had become desperate. I missed him.
By continuing to not address my unhappiness, I subconsciously went for relationsh*ts that required me having to work for attention, love and approval. I looked to guys to validate my worth, which did nothing more than prove that I was a girl who didn’t value herself (and that could be taken advantage of).
A few years and a fair share of f*cktards later, I recognized that I was always dating guys that I couldn’t imagine being happy without. I thought that was a good thing. It was healthy, I mean… wasn’t it? Shouldn’t you be sad if you were without the love of your life?!
The problem was, when the relationsh*t ended, I had no identity, no value and no happiness.
So how do you find your happy, your zing, your zest, your reason for getting out of bed, your inner peace, your mojo, your confidence and your SELF back, especially after a breakup that’s all but taken, chewed up and spit out any remnant of “happy” that ever was?
You first need to realize that your happiness is never dependent on someone else, their actions or their words.
Breakups were so incredibly
difficult impossible to deal with for me because they not only triggered my abandonment issues from childhood, but since I felt like my life’s purpose was to be with the guy that I was with, when he wasn’t around any longer and I found myself single once again, I was not only heartbroken and miserable but worse than that, I didn’t know how to exist and live a life on my own.
I had no idea who I was. I had no clue what my interests were and where I was headed in my life. It scared the daylights out of me to even think of my life goals. I didn’t know where I was going and I had no plan. My “plan” and “project” had always been guys.
I was lost.
Think of it this way: Let’s say that you are not a human and you’re a home in Beverly Hills. You’re situated on the most valuable, pristine lot and you look amazing on the outside. The paint is fresh, the trees are trimmed, everything is just perfect. You complain to everyone that will listen of how tired you are of the games and the rat race because you never attract quality buyers that can back up what they say, that actually have the money and that will appreciate the beauty that is this house that you are. You’ve even had a buyer or two go into escrow all for it to fall through right before closing. You don’t get it. You’re prime property! You’re in Beverly Hills! You have a fresh paint job and marble floors from Greece! You have a salt water infinity pool! WTF! Then one day, you get excited because pretty quickly, someone sees that they can buy you, demolish you to the ground, rebuild a new home and sell that home for an even higher price and walk away with a profit. This hurts you. Why can’t ANYONE just be a good buyer, appreciate the home that you are with all of your character and come through?!?!
You know why? take a look at the inside. Your house is a disaster. The second ANY prospective buyers walk in, they immediately run out and back to their car. Word soon gets around that you’re a mess.
And the thing is, you’re so obsessed with telling people how great you are and how much you’re worth as a house, that you fail to do the hard work of having to turn inward, actually get your hands dirty and clean the house so that you can attract a quality buyer.
When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great, they.tell.you.
As hard as it is, you need to see the insanity of continuing to focus on the irrelevance of what was and start investing in yourself. Get to know YOU.
This didn’t happen for me automatically and it’s still an effort to this day. It wasn’t until I learned to instill boundaries, which allowed self-love to really grow, that I found my true happiness, happiness that no one can take away.
The only person that’s been with you through everything is YOU. I’m not asking you to go on some impossible Eat, Pray, Love journey. I’m asking you to start small and give one fraction of the f*ck that you give to
thinking obsessing about your breakup, your ex, guys, etc. to YOU – your goals, your rules, your standards, your boundaries, YOUR life.
Looking back, I wasn’t truly happy with any of those guys because I wasn’t truly happy with myself and whether you want to believe it or not, we are attracted to people and relationships that reflect the relationship we have with ourselves. Start getting to know you and start making the commitment to treat yourself better.
The one person whose validation you’ll never be able to live without, the person that you can’t breathe without and that you can’t ever be happy unless they’re in your life is YOU. Be an active participant in your story.
You can float around as a supporting character in your own life story and look to other people to fill up your happiness tank or your can work to build the kind of happiness within that not one will ever be able to rob you of.