Still feeling insecure after the last post

That’s because the last post was about insecurity in your relationships and we haven’t yet tackled feeling insecure about yourself. Clearly, if you’re feeling insecure in your relationships it’s because deep down, you feel insecure with who you are. Feeling insecure at times in life is inevitable. You could have the healthiest levels of self esteem, self love, confidenceboundaries, and it doesn’t matter. Sometimes insecurity just creeps in and hits you like 10 tons of bricks.

Like I said in the last post, if you have healthy levels of self esteem and boundaries, you’ll be able to talk yourself out of drinking the insecurity sizzurp and move on. If not, and you’re like I used to be (a shaking, sweating, self-sabotaging, f*cktard-magnet-wrecking-ball), keep reading.

Before I get into the 5 steps to rid feeling insecure, I want to share my favorite quote of all time from one of my favorite books, The Velveteen Rabbit. Each step is connected to this quote:  

“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’

‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.

‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’

‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’

‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

HOW TO KICK FEELING INSECURE ONCE AND FOR ALL:

  1. REALNESS. That quote is my favorite quote because it’s so true. I remember when I was little, my Mom, my Dad, my Grandparents, everyone would try to buy me a new toy. Why? Because I refused to part with Lemon, my stuffed animal that was residing in his own area code of disease and filth. Lemon looked like something a wild animal had chewed up and regurgitated 20 times over. He was missing and eye and his head bobbed back and forth because when I held him, it was always by the neck so he had no more stuffing in his neck. Everyone in the family could smell Lemon from a room away. I couldn’t even part with him long enough for my Mom to wash him. There was nothing in this world that compared to Lemon and nothing anyone could give me that would divert my attention and love away from him, no matter how shiny and new. This is why I love kids, animals, and older people. They gravitate towards what’s real and they recognize the eternal beauty in the real because that’s what they themselves emanate. “Once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” The story about Lemon and me is probably not unfamiliar. This is how kids are and honestly, as convoluted and rigid as adults can become, they will always appreciate realness because it is such a rarity in this world, especially today. Being real gives you that undefinable quality that attracts people to you and makes them want to get to know more. Being real is something that can’t be bought, sold or given. How do you become real? You become real the day you decide that you’ve simply run out of f*cks to give. Your inner doubt is silenced and you just decide to be you and work on being okay with that no matter what hand you’ve been dealt. Seriously. If we are lucky, everyone we know will be ashes or 6 feet under in a matter of decades and believe me, those decades will fly by faster that you can ever imagine. But there’s no need to panic, just be. Be you, be kindly unapologetic about it and the world will adjust. I promise.
  2. Deactivate. I once had a family member at a very important event in my life, tell me that it was a good thing that I had a college degree because I was never going to be the prettiest girl in the room. I can’t even begin to tell you guys how much that statement devastated, affected and haunted me for years to come. I got deep into the jealousy, the validation seeking, the comparing, the emulating, the reverse narcissistic self doubt, the hating on my looks, etc. DEEP. Now I see that the only reason that statement affected me on such a cerebral level was because a part of me believed it was true. All it takes is .000001% of you to believe that maybe, just maybe the hurtful behavior or words directed toward you are true (which generally activate old childhood insecurities/pains/beliefs), and ta-da! You’ve primed your psyche, your decision making and your mind to believe that you need to operate in a less-than manner because you now believe that you are indeed less-than. If someone came up to me and said that I had ugly blonde hair, I wouldn’t be running to the first available mirror to make sure that my hair was brown, I’d just think the person was crazy. But if they ripped on something that I was just a little unsure about? They would activate the insecurity, I would inflate it and my actions, beliefs and perception would be permeated, just.like.that. Don’t forget this: No one can activate an insecurity that doesn’t exist. If it isn’t there, it can never be activated. Period. Work on deactivating your personal insecurity alarm system today and change the pass code for good instead of giving it out to every dude that’s breathing air.
  3. Interesting trumps tits & ass (trust me, I have neither). It doesn’t matter if you’re in the club surrounded by the most beautiful women known to man. Interesting will always trump beauty in the end. Conventional beauty fades. REAL beauty is everlasting and it’s acknowledged and appreciated only by the people who are real to begin with. Stop checking to see if the Kylie Lip Kit is available and do something that’s going to add to what you have to say and offer the world. That’s how you become real and real is forever beautiful. (still excited to get my lip kit tho)
  4. Listen to your gut & let go. We’ve ALL been there. Listening to your gut is imperative. Although it can be hard, listening to your gut is the only direct way to build your self esteem and boundaries because it proves that you have your own back and that you can trust your instincts. It’s how you become real (a REAL Jedi badass master). You don’t have to never be feeling insecure to heal, but by listening to your gut, you will start to feel secure and you will start to heal.
  5. Treat yourself well, be vulnerable, be honest, and remember – crazytown will always take you back. When you let yourself off the hook and begin to treat yourself with trust, respect, compassion and kindness, you’ll be able to better recognize when others don’t. Not only will you stop personalizing the hurtful behavior of others, but you’ll forgive yourself for past mistakes and finally begin to move on. Accept that it’s impossible to get to a point where you will never be feeling insecure ever again. Why? Because you have a beating heart and you’re human. We are bound to feel insecure at times and it’s okay. The reason that my insecurities are so fleeting now is because I allow myself to be vulnerable and honest. I was at a party a few weeks ago and for whatever reason, I suddenly felt very insecure. I looked at my girlfriend and told her how I was feeling. The second that I was honest and expressed myself to someone that I felt safe with in doing so (myself and my girlfriend), it freed me. Total freedom. Lastly, remember that you can always go back to insecurity. If trying to work on being and feeling more secure just doesn’t work for you, you can always ditch it. Your fears, doubts and insecurities will take you back in a hot minute, I swear.

So why not give it a shot? You have everything to gain from here. xo, N.

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18 comments

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Priceless!! I need to create a new word to describe you, because all of the synonyms for amazing and phenomenal, just don’t cut it anymore. Your words are like mederma (the healing scar ointment). You were hand picked by God for this, and I don’t mean it to apply pressure but just to simply say He knew that you would unselfishly use your pain to help his most beautiful masterpiece… WOMEN. Thank you Natasha.

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Love you thank you so much La Toya. Your comments always bring tears to my eyes. Thank YOU! xo

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Natasha you are simply a God-send. This post made me cry (in a good way), I love how you’ve helped me so much in making my time being single truly a learning and reflective experience instead of yet another way for me to pass the time before the next relationship*t. I thought about the insecurities I have (and unfortunately nurture) and could list 3 big ones that definitely trigger me and absolutely hit me like a bullet if brought up. I feel like I can’r forgive myself for these imperfections, that I am less-than and should be treated less-than because of them. I realize how in my head I’ll believe other people are less-than too because of these things that society/parents/hurtful exes/other brainwashed people told me you can’t or shouldn’t be. No one’s perfect and I’m learning to forgive and love myself. It’s horrifying to realize how often I’ve mentally put down others in my head in the same way I put myself down, so many destructive beliefs that hold and hurt me back. I ramble every time I comment but it’s only because I want you to know that you are changing lives with your powerful message and to please never stop. You are #goals, xoxo.

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Thank you so much for sharing Josie. I am so proud of you and I believe in you. I promise to never stop; this is just the beginning. Thanks for being you, soul sister 🙂 xoxoxoxo

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*types with watery eyes* Beautifully written. I have those same triggers of insecurity but the thoughtful posts, vulnerable honesty of PMS, along with your spunky and genuine spirit has helped me more than you know. All my love to you Natasha xoxo

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Love you soul sister. Thank YOU Bria! xo

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I read this last night and this post affected me so much you were in my dream coaching me! You and your blog have had a profound impact on my life and I absolutely love everything You write. This has been me for so long but with your coaching and your blogs I’m feeling myself grow into a stronger person who is learning to love herself more and more each day. xoxox I love you and thank you so much.

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Love u! xx

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The tears flowed reading this one!

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xoxo

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Write a book! Write a book!!

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It’s in the works + so much more 🙂 Thanks Allie!! XOXOXO

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You truly have a gift. Thank you

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So glad it helped 🙂 Thanks Christina xo

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Wow. I don’t even know where to begin. First off, thank you for bringing this to light for me. I’ve always dealt with being insecure and it stems as far back when I was a little girl. I carried a lot of baggage and always hid to make myself seem normal and okay. Thank you Natasha for this. I have some work to do according to your well-broken down list of steps. I am almost 25 and I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. It is truly becoming a burden. I really care too much of others opinions and I am admitting that now after so long. You’re inspirational and such a superwoman! How long did it take you to regain your freedom and feeling secure again after so long?

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Hi Melody! Thanks for the love and support 🙂

& It takes one one know one! You are an inspiration and superwoman too. It took me about 5 months of making a conscious and consistent effort in working on my self esteem to extinguish my insecurity. I of course still get insecure, but I am now able to talk myself out of the insanity and disengage/unplug by disempowering it. XOXO

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This is so amazing. I ❤️ This so so much. Youre too good

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I’m honored to help! 🙂 Thanks Jaya! XOXO

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