Still feeling insecure after the last post?
That’s because the last post was about insecurity in your relationships and we haven’t yet tackled feeling insecure about yourself. Clearly, if you’re feeling insecure in your relationships it’s because deep down, you feel insecure with who you are. Feeling insecure at times in life is inevitable. You could have the healthiest levels of self esteem, self love, confidence, boundaries, and it doesn’t matter. Sometimes insecurity just creeps in and hits you like 10 tons of bricks.
Like I said in the last post, if you have healthy levels of self esteem and boundaries, you’ll be able to talk yourself out of drinking the insecurity sizzurp and move on. If not, and you’re like I used to be (a shaking, sweating, self-sabotaging, f*cktard-magnet-wrecking-ball), keep reading.
Before I get into the 5 steps to rid feeling insecure, I want to share my favorite quote of all time from one of my favorite books, The Velveteen Rabbit. Each step is connected to this quote:
“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’
‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.
‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’
‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’
‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit
HOW TO KICK FEELING INSECURE ONCE AND FOR ALL:
- REALNESS. That quote is my favorite quote because it’s so true. I remember when I was little, my Mom, my Dad, my Grandparents, everyone would try to buy me a new toy. Why? Because I refused to part with Lemon, my stuffed animal that was residing in his own area code of disease and filth. Lemon looked like something a wild animal had chewed up and regurgitated 20 times over. He was missing and eye and his head bobbed back and forth because when I held him, it was always by the neck so he had no more stuffing in his neck. Everyone in the family could smell Lemon from a room away. I couldn’t even part with him long enough for my Mom to wash him. There was nothing in this world that compared to Lemon and nothing anyone could give me that would divert my attention and love away from him, no matter how shiny and new. This is why I love kids, animals, and older people. They gravitate towards what’s real and they recognize the eternal beauty in the real because that’s what they themselves emanate. “Once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” The story about Lemon and me is probably not unfamiliar. This is how kids are and honestly, as convoluted and rigid as adults can become, they will always appreciate realness because it is such a rarity in this world, especially today. Being real gives you that undefinable quality that attracts people to you and makes them want to get to know more. Being real is something that can’t be bought, sold or given. How do you become real? You become real the day you decide that you’ve simply run out of f*cks to give. Your inner doubt is silenced and you just decide to be you and work on being okay with that no matter what hand you’ve been dealt. Seriously. If we are lucky, everyone we know will be ashes or 6 feet under in a matter of decades and believe me, those decades will fly by faster that you can ever imagine. But there’s no need to panic, just be. Be you, be kindly unapologetic about it and the world will adjust. I promise.
- Deactivate. I once had a family member at a very important event in my life, tell me that it was a good thing that I had a college degree because I was never going to be the prettiest girl in the room. I can’t even begin to tell you guys how much that statement devastated, affected and haunted me for years to come. I got deep into the jealousy, the validation seeking, the comparing, the emulating, the reverse narcissistic self doubt, the hating on my looks, etc. DEEP. Now I see that the only reason that statement affected me on such a cerebral level was because a part of me believed it was true. All it takes is .000001% of you to believe that maybe, just maybe the hurtful behavior or words directed toward you are true (which generally activate old childhood insecurities/pains/beliefs), and ta-da! You’ve primed your psyche, your decision making and your mind to believe that you need to operate in a less-than manner because you now believe that you are indeed less-than. If someone came up to me and said that I had ugly blonde hair, I wouldn’t be running to the first available mirror to make sure that my hair was brown, I’d just think the person was crazy. But if they ripped on something that I was just a little unsure about? They would activate the insecurity, I would inflate it and my actions, beliefs and perception would be permeated, just.like.that. Don’t forget this: No one can activate an insecurity that doesn’t exist. If it isn’t there, it can never be activated. Period. Work on deactivating your personal insecurity alarm system today and change the pass code for good instead of giving it out to every dude that’s breathing air.
- Interesting trumps tits & ass (trust me, I have neither). It doesn’t matter if you’re in the club surrounded by the most beautiful women known to man. Interesting will always trump beauty in the end. Conventional beauty fades. REAL beauty is everlasting and it’s acknowledged and appreciated only by the people who are real to begin with. Stop checking to see if the Kylie Lip Kit is available and do something that’s going to add to what you have to say and offer the world. That’s how you become real and real is forever beautiful. (still excited to get my lip kit tho)
- Listen to your gut & let go. We’ve ALL been there. Listening to your gut is imperative. Although it can be hard, listening to your gut is the only direct way to build your self esteem and boundaries because it proves that you have your own back and that you can trust your instincts. It’s how you become real (a REAL Jedi badass master). You don’t have to never be feeling insecure to heal, but by listening to your gut, you will start to feel secure and you will start to heal.
- Treat yourself well, be vulnerable, be honest, and remember – crazytown will always take you back. When you let yourself off the hook and begin to treat yourself with trust, respect, compassion and kindness, you’ll be able to better recognize when others don’t. Not only will you stop personalizing the hurtful behavior of others, but you’ll forgive yourself for past mistakes and finally begin to move on. Accept that it’s impossible to get to a point where you will never be feeling insecure ever again. Why? Because you have a beating heart and you’re human. We are bound to feel insecure at times and it’s okay. The reason that my insecurities are so fleeting now is because I allow myself to be vulnerable and honest. I was at a party a few weeks ago and for whatever reason, I suddenly felt very insecure. I looked at my girlfriend and told her how I was feeling. The second that I was honest and expressed myself to someone that I felt safe with in doing so (myself and my girlfriend), it freed me. Total freedom. Lastly, remember that you can always go back to insecurity. If trying to work on being and feeling more secure just doesn’t work for you, you can always ditch it. Your fears, doubts and insecurities will take you back in a hot minute, I swear.
So why not give it a shot? You have everything to gain from here. xo, N.