Still feeling insecure in a relationship after the last post?

That’s because the last post was about insecurity in your relationships and we haven’t yet tackled feeling insecure in the one relationship you will never be able to incur the cost of abandoning – the one you have with yourself.

Clearly, if you’re feeling insecure in your relationships it’s because deep down, you feel insecure with who you are. Feeling insecure at times in life is inevitable. You could have the healthiest levels of self-esteem, self-love, confidence, boundaries, and it doesn’t matter. Sometimes insecurity creeps in and hits you like a ton of bricks.

As I said in the last post, if you have healthy levels of self-esteem and boundaries, you’ll be able to talk yourself down from your triggers and move on. If not, and you’re like I used to be (a shaking, sweating, self-sabotaging, toxic-relationship-magnet-wrecking-ball), keep reading.

Before I get into it all, I want to share one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books, The Velveteen Rabbit. It’s important because when it comes to feeling insecure in a relationship (especially the one you have with yourself), each step to recovery is connected to this quote:  

“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’

‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.

‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’

‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’

‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Here’s how to stop feeling insecure in the relationship you have with yourself, once and for all:

  • Keep it real.

That quote is one of my favorite’s because it’s so true. I remember when I was little, my Mom, Dad, Grandparents, everyone would try to buy me a new toy. Why? Because I refused to part with Lemon, my favorite stuffed animal who was residing in his own area code of disease and filth. Lemon looked like something a wild animal had chewed up and regurgitated ten times over. He was missing an eye and his head bobbed back and forth because when I held him, it was always by the neck so he had no more stuffing in his neck. Everyone in the family could smell Lemon from a room away. I couldn’t even part with him long enough for my Mom to wash him. There was nothing in this world that compared to Lemon and nothing anyone could give me that would divert my attention and love away from him – no matter how shiny and new.

This is why I love kids, animals, and older people. They gravitate towards what’s real and they recognize the eternal beauty in the real because that’s what they themselves emanate. “Once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” The story about Lemon and me is probably not unfamiliar. This is how kids are and honestly, as insecure and stubborn as adults can become, they will always appreciate realness because it is such a rarity in this world – especially today.

Being real gives you that undefinable quality that attracts people to you and makes them want to get to know more. Being real is something that can’t be bought, sold or given. How do you become real? You become real the day you decide to prioritize substance over the fleeting high of superficiality (a high that you will only experience if you’re insecure).

If we are lucky, everyone we know will be ashes or 6 feet under in a matter of decades and believe me, those decades will fly by faster than you can ever imagine. There’s no need to panic, just be. Be you, be kindly unapologetic about it, and understand that the world will adjust.

  • Deactivate.

After I graduated from college, a family member told me that it was a good thing I now had a college degree because I was never going to be the prettiest girl in the room. I can’t even begin to tell you how much that statement devastated and haunted me for years to come. I got deep into the jealousy, validation seeking, comparing, and self-sabotage.

Now, I can see that the only reason that statement affected me on the level that it did was because a part of me believed it was true.

All it takes is .000001% of you to believe that maybe, just maybe, the hurtful behavior or words directed toward you are true (which are generally activated by old childhood insecurities/pains/beliefs), and ta-da! You’ve been knocked down, once again.

If someone came up to me and said that I had ugly blue hair, I wouldn’t be running to the first available mirror to make sure that my hair was brown, I’d just think the person was crazy. But if a part of me believed that I could have even one strand of blue hair? They would activate the insecurity, I would inflate it, and my actions, beliefs, and perception would be permeated just.like.that.

Remember: No one can activate insecurity that doesn’t exist. If it isn’t there, it can never be activated. Period. Work on deactivating your personal insecurity alarm system today and change the passcode for good instead of giving it out at every turn.

  • Listen to your gut feelings (instead of ignoring them) so that you can ACT on your intuition.

Listening to your gut is the only direct way to build your self-esteem and boundaries. It proves that you have your own back and that you can trust your instinct. It’s how you become real.

Stop trying to never feel insecurity. Feeling insecure is a normal part of life. Instead, make the committed decision to always have your own back and never ignore your gut feelings again.

  • Treat yourself well.

When you let yourself off the hook and begin to treat yourself with trust, respect, compassion, and kindness, you’ll be able to better recognize when others don’t.

Not only will you stop personalizing the hurtful behavior of others, but you’ll forgive yourself for past mistakes and finally begin to move on.

The reason that my insecurities are so fleeting now is that I allow myself to be vulnerable and honest. I was at a party a few weeks ago and for whatever reason, I suddenly felt very insecure. The second that I acknowledged how I was feeling, instead of trying to embarrassingly avoid, deny, and compensate… it freed me. Total freedom.

Lastly, remember that you can always go back to insecurity. If trying to work on being/feeling more secure just doesn’t work for you, you can always ditch it. Your fears, doubts, and insecurities will take you back in a hot minute, I promise.

So why not give it a shot? You have everything to gain from here.

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.

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18 comments

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Priceless!! I need to create a new word to describe you, because all of the synonyms for amazing and phenomenal, just don’t cut it anymore. Your words are like mederma (the healing scar ointment). You were hand picked by God for this, and I don’t mean it to apply pressure but just to simply say He knew that you would unselfishly use your pain to help his most beautiful masterpiece… WOMEN. Thank you Natasha.

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Love you thank you so much La Toya. Your comments always bring tears to my eyes. Thank YOU! xo

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Natasha you are simply a God-send. This post made me cry (in a good way), I love how you’ve helped me so much in making my time being single truly a learning and reflective experience instead of yet another way for me to pass the time before the next relationship*t. I thought about the insecurities I have (and unfortunately nurture) and could list 3 big ones that definitely trigger me and absolutely hit me like a bullet if brought up. I feel like I can’r forgive myself for these imperfections, that I am less-than and should be treated less-than because of them. I realize how in my head I’ll believe other people are less-than too because of these things that society/parents/hurtful exes/other brainwashed people told me you can’t or shouldn’t be. No one’s perfect and I’m learning to forgive and love myself. It’s horrifying to realize how often I’ve mentally put down others in my head in the same way I put myself down, so many destructive beliefs that hold and hurt me back. I ramble every time I comment but it’s only because I want you to know that you are changing lives with your powerful message and to please never stop. You are #goals, xoxo.

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Thank you so much for sharing Josie. I am so proud of you and I believe in you. I promise to never stop; this is just the beginning. Thanks for being you, soul sister 🙂 xoxoxoxo

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*types with watery eyes* Beautifully written. I have those same triggers of insecurity but the thoughtful posts, vulnerable honesty of PMS, along with your spunky and genuine spirit has helped me more than you know. All my love to you Natasha xoxo

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Love you soul sister. Thank YOU Bria! xo

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I read this last night and this post affected me so much you were in my dream coaching me! You and your blog have had a profound impact on my life and I absolutely love everything You write. This has been me for so long but with your coaching and your blogs I’m feeling myself grow into a stronger person who is learning to love herself more and more each day. xoxox I love you and thank you so much.

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Love u! xx

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The tears flowed reading this one!

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xoxo

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Write a book! Write a book!!

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It’s in the works + so much more 🙂 Thanks Allie!! XOXOXO

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You truly have a gift. Thank you

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So glad it helped 🙂 Thanks Christina xo

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Wow. I don’t even know where to begin. First off, thank you for bringing this to light for me. I’ve always dealt with being insecure and it stems as far back when I was a little girl. I carried a lot of baggage and always hid to make myself seem normal and okay. Thank you Natasha for this. I have some work to do according to your well-broken down list of steps. I am almost 25 and I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. It is truly becoming a burden. I really care too much of others opinions and I am admitting that now after so long. You’re inspirational and such a superwoman! How long did it take you to regain your freedom and feeling secure again after so long?

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Hi Melody! Thanks for the love and support 🙂

& It takes one one know one! You are an inspiration and superwoman too. It took me about 5 months of making a conscious and consistent effort in working on my self esteem to extinguish my insecurity. I of course still get insecure, but I am now able to talk myself out of the insanity and disengage/unplug by disempowering it. XOXO

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This is so amazing. I ❤️ This so so much. Youre too good

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I’m honored to help! 🙂 Thanks Jaya! XOXO

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