Emotionally unavailable people are incapable of introspection. They have a lack of self-awareness, an abundance of relational needs (that they can’t reciprocate), and because they are unable to tap into their emotions, they cannot empathize nor do their words match their actions. They are also the hardest people to get over. The highs are very high and the lows are extremely low. If your ex is emotionally unavailable and you are now wondering what emotionally unavailable men do after a breakup, here’s what you need to know…

While it definitely helps to identify the patterns of emotionally unavailable men, the traits of emotionally unavailable men, and what about your past keeps attracting you to emotionally unavailable men, what you really want to know is something that is rarely discussed:

What exactly do emotionally unavailable men do after a breakup?

How do emotionally unavailable men feel after a breakup?

How do emotionally unavailable men deal after a breakup? 

We’ve established that emotionally unavailable men are empathetically bankrupt. And because they can’t tap into their emotions, they are not capable of emotionally intimate and connected relationships.

So how do emotionally unavailable men react after a breakup? Are they any different now that you’re gone?

It’s tough because you’re trying to mourn the death of the soulmate you thought existed, while still hoping that the toxic person he has consistently proven himself to be, will somehow “miss” you enough to revert back to the decent guy that only acted like he was capable of empathy and emotional connection to get what he wanted. That probably involved promising you a future that was never backed up by action, lying to you, disallowing you from ever feeling secure in the relationship, cheating on you, and making you feel like you were never enough.

As far as how emotionally unavailable men feel after a breakup, we obviously want them to regret what they did, miss us, fight for the relationship, blame themselves, apologize, and be plagued with remorse. You have to realize though – if he’s unavailable emotionally, he will never do any of the above with any level of authenticity because he’s disconnected.

After a breakup, emotionally unavailable men will do one of many things:

  • Victimize themselves by blaming you and telling their sad story to anyone with a set of ears (& preferably a set of boobs).
  • Try to be “friends” so that they can hopefully reap all the benefits of being in a relationship with you, without having to commit to anything other than leaving the door unlocked for your answered booty call.
  • Immediately move on to someone new (rebound), because if they get a quick ego boost, they won’t have to deal with the wreckage of what they put you through. Or, they’ll go back to an old, familiar and tolerant flame.
  • They’ll try to push your buttons and make you jealous in any way that they can, then ignore you when you break no contact and reach out. They’ll make you feel crazy after you react and then, all to quickly and calmly, remind you that the relationship is over.
  • They’ll go off the radar and then announce a new, “multi-million dollar” business venture on social media, go on a trip and Instagram the sh*t out of it (completely out of the blue) or do anything to “look-at-me-now-give-me-attention-likes-and-comments” to prove that NOW they’re back on the market and back to the “real,” successful and go-getting them. The “them” that they couldn’t be with you because you weren’t good enough (I’m laughing rn because I’ve actually done this so many times myself after a breakup. It’s so dumb).

Do Emotionally Unavailable Men ever feel like they “lost” you after the breakup? Is this even possible?

The only way that they will ever feel like they lost you is if you do something you’ve never done – stay on the white horse and actually get lost – disappear. They don’t know what to do with absence, silence, non-reactivity, no opposing force and someone who has limits and dignity.

Ignoring an Emotionally Unavailable Man. Does silence make a man miss you?

Yes. But not in the way that you want and deserve. The missing that they feel is rooted in selfish regrets – not genuine remorse.

Do Emotionally Unavailable Men feel ANY remorse after a breakup? Do they become better guys?

To have remorse would require empathy and they have none. As far as becoming better and changing… profound change takes a lot more than switching up Instagram filters and updating your story. It takes three things: 1) a desire to change 2) the ability to be vulnerable and accountable 3) the ability to view yourself and your actions in a negative light. Profound change takes time.

Is he happy? How can he be happy?! I’m miserable.

Happy people don’t f*ck over other people. Plain and simple.

You can’t be a happy person and miss someone who consistently hurt and devalued you. Conversely, you can’t be a happy person and lie, cheat, devalue and hurt the person you’re supposedly committed to. Like always attracts like. Let people make their own bed. There’s no point in ever making someone else’s bed, especially when yours is a mess. Once yours is properly made, you won’t care so much about finding a bed to make. What once was an uncontrollable urge will now seem pointless to you because it IS.

Bottom line: If you’re emotionally unavailable, you’re never really, truly experiencing the kind of authentic joy and happiness that we were put on this earth to feel. You are unable to partake in the joy of being.

You are much better off identifying your own patterns that got you here. Work toward moving on so that you can feel true happiness and reach indifference from the unavailability of an ex who didn’t deserve ONE chance from you, let alone multiple.

Not having an emotional life of your own and looking to others to validate you is no way to live. You will continually attract the wrong types of guys and become unattractive to the good guys out there ( yes, they are out there).

The best thing you can do is realize that you are your own validator, hero, and relational savior.

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help with your breakup, please look into working with me here.

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75 comments

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Thanks for the great post again. I am six weeks post f***tard, struggling between missing him and knowing I deserve better than somebody who’s words never matched his actions, takes no responsibility for his life and is empatheticaly babkrupt. I overlooked all of these things because of chemistry. The problem is, is that he owes me quite a lot of money. He has not given me a penny despite many promises. I don’t know if he is trying to maintain sine control over me and I really don’t want to keep being in contact with him because of it. Any advise in what to do in this situation would be very welcome. L

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I’ve been in this situation before and I can tell you that a man that borrows money from a woman and especially a substantial amount, is no man for me. I would rather take the monetary loss and know that what I actually gained was my dignity from not being with him. You tell him the following: “Please keep the money, I do not need it. What I have gained by not being with you is FAR MORE VALUABLE”

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Just realized your post was made 2 years ago, so I’m sure you figured it out hahaha

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Thank you Natasha. You’re reading my heart’s mind.

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Love u! xoxo

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Right on sister ! So on this page today thank you

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Yay! Glad it helped! 🙂

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This article is literally EVERYTHING. I can’t tell you how much I needed it today. Thank you for putting into words exactly what I know and need to continue reminding myself of.

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LOVE LOVE and more LOVE…Mahalo, Natasha…a million times THANK YOU!!!

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Hardest part for me since my break up is when my ex and I will talk every once in a while….and we end up talking on the phone for hours. Im sure he has had a drink or a few and he will cry and tell me how much he misses and loves me. This break up has been hard because we only broke up due to the long distance at the moment. He will act all all lovey dovey and then a few days later he will make me feel like an idiot and tell me i need to move on and put up this wall like hes over it. Yet, hes the one that will get emotional and express his love for me when hes had a few drinks. what is up with that? It leaves me feeling confused, hurt and anxious. I notice him hanging out with other girls also which is killing me.

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You need to go NC. It’s the only way to heal. Cut. Him. Off.

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I have a question for you girls-it’s been 5 months since I caught him cheating, told him off and blocked him. He was elusive yet very lovey dovey until he went completely cold.

Has he completely forgotten I exist or does he think about me ever?

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I just started subscribing to your blog and every post I’ve read thus far has had me wanting to virtually high-five the shit out of you because RIGHT ON SISTER. Keep up the great writing and insights. You are a very honest voice that resonates more than you might know xx

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Thanks sister 🙂 XOXO

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Keep speaking the truth soul sister!! I love how just keep it real and speak the language of so many – straight, gay, female, male – it does not matter. LOVE YA.
H

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That means everything to me Helen. Thx you xxxx

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Hey Natasha thank you for another great article! Honestly reading your blog has helped more than you’ll ever know <3 🙂 one thing I'm really struggling with is trying to understand whether the guy I loved was emotionally unavailable or whether it was just me that he didn't want? We got on so well, had chemistry, were attracted to each other and he still didn't want me. It ended with me telling him how I felt and how much I liked him and him blocking my number because while he was trying to get with me he was getting close to someone else. They're dating now and I assume that's why he blocked me so she doesn't find out anything. Friends have told me it's serious between them and I can't figure out whether he's unavailable or he just didn't want a future with me?
I'd say I'm like 50% over him but the thought of them getting married or engaged really breaks my heart but I know that it's only a matter of time until I'm completely over him 🙂
Thanks again! Xxx

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Goosebumps!!! I just read this again and you are seriously like a sister to me because you emulate tough love in such a genuine way. I would be lost without your guidance xoxo

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Natasha you do such a great job of breaking down what we are thinking and how we think, and applying logic and solutions. Thank you!! This quote of yours really got me thinking:

“Not having your own life and looking to others to validate and give you an identity does nothing but continually attract the wrong types of guys and makes you look unattractive to the good guys out there (& yes, they’re out there).”

Can’t help but think that my poor sense of self and lack of growth is what caused things to fall apart. The blame absorbing and the regret has ruined my relationship with myself and I’m trying to move on from these thoughts but I just hate myself even more seeing how I lost myself so. I cringe thinking of who I was in that relationship and the sides of me it exposed. Maybe you can write a post about disassociating yourself with who you were while in an unavailable relationsh*it, and how to rebuild your relationship with yourself despite how much you hated who you were when put through such tests. Thanks and much love! xo

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Love that topic Ava! I will write a post on it soon 🙂 Thanks for the recommendation and for the love and support xo

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Hi Natasha,

Very interesting post, a question I never cared to ask myself. Little point in it, I guess and you are spot on, they just move on without even evaluating what happened there. They are simply disconnected…

Thank you for a great post Natasha xx

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Thank YOU soul sister 🙂 xxxxxxx

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Hey Natasha!

Your blog has helped me so much, I’m so appreciative! I can’t stop wondering if my selfish, ex who has a million girls in his life will eventually marry & be happy. Also, wondering who she will be when this 37 year old fucktard does settle down. I know, I shouldn’t care, but I’m hopeful you can write a post about it!

Thanks!

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Hi Danielle! I will write a post on this topic soon 🙂 Thanks for reading and thank you so much for the recommendation!

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Danielle we might have dated the same guy haha!

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Hi Natasha,

This post speaks volumes. I am currently feeling a lot of pain. I cry at work, I cry on the train, I cry in the elevator of my building. I just can’t stop crying. I went from eating 3 solid meals a day to barely eating one. All because I allowed someone very special to me to have total control of my life. I am currently unsure the status of my relationship, but please allow me to share and it may not even make sense, but please try and understand. Hopefully I can get clarity. In 2012, I was not a happy camper. I was in college and for some reason had trouble fitting in and was going through a lot medically speaking. I was extremely vulnerable and clinged on to any old friendship that I had in high school and attempted to make friends in college which was quite difficult. I went to an all girls Catholic high school, and came across making a few lesbian friends, who were straight when I met them. Time flies bye, and in 2012 one day, one of my lesbian friends contacted me out of the blue to hang out. During this time I was struggling with depression and had difficulties sleeping. I even wanted to resort to canceling the planned hang out, but I did not. Hanging out with her was the first time I laughed and surprisingly, I don’t know why, but I flirted with her (she flirted back too) and she knows that I was strictly into men which I am. But, she sensed something and called me that night of us hanging out. She was in a relationship already, but she called me that night to talk about if I had feelings for her. I have no idea what came over me, but I took a risk and gave in. I told her I did, which was partially not 100% the truth, but I was so desperate to find someone to cling on to. She carried me emotionally, I was able to sleep every night knowing that she was there right by my side. She put me through a lot, in terms of her girlfriend who she couldn’t put behind her and went back and forth between us for over a year. Finally, I guess you can say “I won” but I did not feel like a winner because I was still mixed up with this whole identifying with being a lesbian and I don’t consider myself one, not even bi-sexual. I just knew she my exception. She brought me back to my happy place and because of that I kept her around. We argued a lot, and I mean A LOT. She has temper issues, and I am more calm and smooth sailing. Her mom, who happens to be her world, and who happens to be sick as well knows about her sexual orientation, but my parents I left in the dark. I have an issue with letting people in and being a scorpio, I have plenty of secrets mostly due to shame or afraid of not being accepted. She hated that I was so secretive and it took a while to break down walls, but she did because I slowly began to trust her more and more. I lost my virginity to her, (I know, you might wonder how…but use your imagination with that). Anyway, we fell in love.

Here we are now, almost 4 years later of fighting, arguing, and making up constantly and we are now what it seems to be finally over. I am so crushed and experiencing the same feelings back in 2012. Her mom who is very very important to her, not one of my most favorite people, but because I love her, I care about her mom too who was recently in the hospital over memorial day weekend. Her mom being sick, and practically the only true family member in her life is her first priority which is completely understandable. So I fall back each time and sometimes we argue about the distance and how much she puts me on the back burner. Now prior to memorial day weekend, we had a huge huge argument because after almost 4 years of being with her I never let her in my house. Never. The reason being is because I was afraid of what she would think, it was one of my best kept secrets, I don’t even allow friends in my house. Maybe there is something wrong with me. I don’t know. But she pushed me to do it and I did. I allowed her in my house and it was awkward, but she got me to do it. Those were one of the walls she helped me break down. Now, her mom is in the hospital the following day and she keeps me updated as much as she can through memorial day weekend. I also had a interview coming up, but for some reason, she was no where to be around during the time of my interview and by this time her mom is home from the hospital. That night, after my interview I called her and asked her where was she all day. I needed her to help calm my nerves. She gave me excuses and I understand she’s helping her mom out and such, but sometimes I want some attention as well. Even if it is a brief “blessings on your interview baby” short and sweet convo would have satisfied me, but I didn’t get that and it hurt. The reason why she said she never contacted me is because I hanged up the phone on her that morning and she hates when I do that. I admit, I did hang up the phone, but that is only because every time I try to talk to her, she is busy and I got frustrated from being pushed to the side.

After our fierce argument I told her “forget you” and she removed me from IG which hurt me because I don’t post anything. The whole day after I weeped, and made a video apologizing and crying telling her how much I loved her. She then called me and we spoke briefly I asked her about the whole IG situation and she claims an app on her phone removes people from her IG if they are not active users. I don’t know if I believe that. Lately she claims that she has been busy and has not been avoiding me she said wanted to explain to me in person about everything that has been going on. I cried and screamed and begged for her to just talk to me. Yet, she does not contact me unless I text or call her. Yesterday was the last text I sent her she said that she will always love me. I have not heard from her all day today and it has been so hard. I don’t know what to do, I will give her space, but I seriously think she has a distraction. It is so funny, because her mom who never texts me, text me yesterday to say hi. I don’t know how to take all of this. I need clarity. I might be of blame of this. Maybe I deserve this treatment. What hurts most is that I allowed her in my house after I did not want to, and now she completely forgot about me it seems. I am so hurt, I feel betrayed and did not see the sense of letting her in.

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Hello Natasha,
Thank you very much for this post, I keep coming here all the time. I am in day 12 of NC and I feel better everyday but it is hard sometimes. I have found my ex in bed with his new flame and I could not believe what I was seeing, he lied to me many times, and for sure he lied to her too (which is not something that makes me feel better but at least I know he was and he is still a piece of sh*t) so when I found him there he had the “decency” of talking to me arguing that he was so in love with her and all kind of nosense, he started sleeping with her the same week he had an argue. And in fact we argued because he was not clear about his intentions wiht this new “friend” coming into town, so I decided I didnt want to be sharing a guy. But then I wanted to talk to him because I thought it may was not true, anyways when I saw them IN BED I knew it was true, and in top of it he was angry at me and he is still angry for no reason (maybe because I didnt agree on sharing him)WTF??
Are we in SXXI or what?
I know he was always disconnected running hot and cold and so scared of falling in love with me, he even told me he didnt want to love me but then it was too late because he loved me already, and because of that he had to start sleeping with this new girl (which at this point I feel sorry for her), to feel good and free, and for not having to deal with emotional stuff. He even told me there were too much emotional baggage in this relationship, while we only dated for 6 months and we hardly had issues, only related to his insecurities. Now because he is with this girl which is an illegal immigrant and has no friends or relatives here he feels like a hero, so he can protect her. go to hell as**ole!!
I just want to look forward and restart my life, it is hard to me to understand why did I look for validation in someone that can’t even validate himself?? what an irony.

Love for all of you girls, we deserve better, keep writing NATASHA you are helping us to heal so much, this is the best therapy and I know for sure we will be happy very soon! xxx
Celtic

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Hi Celtic! I am so proud of you; I know how hard it is and I promise to keep writing 🙂 You will be happy again very soon. Just keep having your own back and being good to yourself. Love u soul sister XOXO

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Hi Natasha, I was wondering if you could write about how F***tard could cheat on his current girlfriend, share his most intimate thoughts all while keeping her a secret? Then go back to her. I discovered her through social medial, called a spade a spade and told him to get lost. Now I’m hurt, angry, confused….. so much to list.

THANK YOU FOR your aspiring columns. They keep me grounded and focused.

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Hi Georgia! Thanks so much 🙂 I’m so happy that the posts have helped! And thank you for the recommendation I will definitely write about this soon xx

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This is probably my favorite post on here well one of them!! It’s been almost 3 months since my ex dumped me and I have had my set backs and every time I feel myself missing him or wanting to call him I come to your blog. It always gives me the boost I need and words to help me out of my funk. I am slowly learning to love myself and see my self worth and seeing how he didn’t appreciate me or even feel for me and took advantage of me. Thank you for the encouragement and advice. I’m not alone in this and I know that I can get thru it and reading your words just helps so so soooo much!!

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Thanks from the bottom of my heart Karina!! I’m so glad it helped!! XOXO 🙂

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Hi Natasha… Reading your blogs is helping, but at the same time its difficult

Why is dealing with someone you care and love just cuts you off? My best friend and I have had a really good friendship – more than friends, but he didn’t want to make things official… we’ve been close for 5 years, but I have always asked whats going on and where is this going, but he never really answered my questions, I was scared of loosing him…We can spend countless of hours on the phone and we enjoy each others company and the fact that he knows me inside out. Until I said how I felt and that I want to get married, we didn’t shout, I just tried to get my point across, but the call didn’t end well, I said bye but he didn’t say anything… we have had heated discussions before where we don’t talk for 3 days max, but this has been over 2 weeks. I miss him, my heart feels heavy… I wish I knew what he was thinking, but I might not never know… But I hoping we can sort things out.

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Hi Natasha.

Thanks for this. But am I not on the right track if I chose to move on and travel and enjoy things I wanted to enjoy and post it in social media? I already blocked him in facebook and i already unfollowed him in IG even before I had the times of my life. Is it pathetic? Thanks

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Not at all! You’re doing the right thing 🙂 Thanks Anne! XOXO

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OMG……this truly opened my eyes!!!! Was dating who I thought was the man of my dreams! Everything my ex husband was not!! Then…”he needed space, time to reset and get through his shit and he just couldn’t do it while thinking of me all day long….” So I walked away, hurt and confused. Stopped texting…3 days later he texted me “I think about you everyday. I just wanted you to know.” It took me 9 hrs to come up with the appropriate reply “That’s nice. I’ve thought about you too. I hope you are getting through what you need to.”

Pretty much eff you buddy. I deserve better.

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YES. YOU. DO. You go girl! Thx for the love and for sharing Sheila! 🙂 xx

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Natasha, your insights are profound! The way you articulate these issues and how it relates to lack of self love made me “hear” it clearly for the first time…after many years of being in limbo in a triangular relationship. Thank you.

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I’m honored to help! Thanks for being a part of this tribe Chenette 🙂 xxx

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Thank you for this post! I read it on the daily. I was just broken up with by an EU. We were in it for 6 months…some locally, some LDR. I saw him 3 weeks ago when he came to visit (what a disaster – he left on the 1st day of a 5 day visit). When the romance started, he was charming, giving, attentive, sexy, intense, etc….but once he reeled me in, the red flags started popping up which I chose to justify and ignore. Never asking me about my family, talking only about himself, blowing me off at significant times (Christmas, NYE, etc..) because I apparently said something “wrong.” Telling me I was crazy or asking if I was having a nervous breakdown if I wanted to talk about anything having to do with feelings, gaslighting me, blaming me for anything that happened, managing/lowering my expectations, the list goes on. Good heavens! I have never been needy but this man made me act needy because I could never quite figure him out. Hot. Cold. Adored me one minute. Ignored me the next. Silent treatments if I called him on anything. We never had sex when he was in town because the 2 times we tried, he had “performance anxiety.” When he came to visit 3 months after leaving, we finally did – the morning he arrived – and he basically turned cold on me immediately afterward. I asked him about it and he blamed it on lack of sleep (he took the red eye). After 5 hours of detachment on his part, and a very awkward dinner out, I asked him if I was getting the silent treatment, again, and he lost it. Packed his bags, went to a hotel and I never saw him again. He texted a few times while he was still in town. I BEGGED him not to leave (which I am still embarrassed by), said i only wanted him, blah, blah, blah. Again, much to my embarrassment now. His response was basically that he didn’t want to put the time into something that should be simple and stress free. TaDa! Wanted to put no emotional effort into anything. Now, that is his prerogative but he always kept me just close enough to stay reeled in with no commitment. Girls, you are MUCH better off without him. Allowing this behavior will lower your self esteem and make you question your self worth. I still find myself missing him (or rather missing the him I thought he was and how he made me feel in the early stages) but each day gets easier as that wears off and I am able to see the true him. Ugh. What a waste of time.

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Hi Jaymi! I’m happy that the post has helped!! 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing and for being a part of this tribe. You are amazing! <3 xoxo

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Thank you for the article. It’s helpful during a rough time after a year and a half relationship ended with a man who continually told me I’m “the one” and that he wanted to marry me. I felt the same. I became aware of his emotional walls, and he was too. It mostly had to do with his mother dying when he was very young, his rageful and controlling father, and sexual abuse he experienced as a young adolescent. He confided this to me a few months in and said wanted to go to therapy (his own idea) both to heal himself and so that we could have a healthy, successful relationship. For much of the relationship, he vacillated between being very loving/sweet and lashing out aggressively toward me and others. I stuck by him because I loved him and knew he was aware of his emotional unavailability and anger issues, but desperately wanted to change it. For a number of reasons, he wasn’t able to enter therapy until several months after he told me about the abuse. Once he started going to therapy, he became very withdrawn and the lashing out became more frequent. After a time he lashed out and checked out from me, I asked him if the pressure of a relationship was too much while he was trying to heal himself. He realized that it was, broke up with me and sobbed for an hour. He told me he knew I deserved better. As far as I know, he is continuing therapy and has a real desire to be able to connect emotionally. I guess i’m just wondering if the fact that he is aware and trying to change makes any difference in terms of what you said the emotionally unavailable man goes through after a breakup. I’ve been taking care of myself, meditating, yoga, running, spending time with friends, going to therapy, going on casual dates, and really working on being at peace with myself no matter what. I am open to the thought of finding a new love, but can’t help but wonder if reconciliation would be possible down the road since he truly desires to become more emotionally available and is doing the work. Any insight is appreciated. Thanks.

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Hi Allison!

I wish that I could provide insight, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give specific advice/answers in the comments.

Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog.

I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help further ? The link to it is on the homepage!

All my love to you.

You’re not alone xo

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Thank you so much. Your posts stop me from contacting him, your posts make me realize that i deserve better.

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YES. YOU. DO.

I’m so proud of and happy for you Priyanka <3

All my love to you sister. xx

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Wow, if you’d only know how much I needed to read this article. I must not love myself if I keep missing the person who dissapoint me time & time again. Today I make the decision to leave it behind. Today I make the decision to “fix my bed” not his.
Thank you so much.

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Happy it helped! 🙂 Thanks Ner! XO

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Hi Natasha…
It’s not just about men being EU… It is also for women. I was with Stacy for a couple years after knowing her for 12 years. She broke it off with me almost 4 months ago and the main “reason” was I was smothering her. I have since been understanding a bit more about the traits of an emotionally unavailable person (woman in my case) and everything you’ve explained in this article has happened and the “smothering” defense is certainly one that they use… It took this to happen for me to understand what I had to do to make myself better. Learning to love me more… To be more secure with me.. To understand that what I was doing really wasn’t all my fault altho I’ve blamed myself for the entire break down. I believe you’re right that the EU person has to have empathy in order to miss the person. I believe I am making my strides on getting better and altho I believe we are a very dynamic couple with a lot of potential, I can’t do this all on my own and until she’s ready to make a life changing path for her, we may never be together again. This makes me sad because we could’ve been something pretty special. Thanks again for just re-enforcing what I’ve been knowing this whole time.
Steve.

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Hi Steve! Yes, of course. The blog is “geared” toward a female audience, but like I always say, none of this subject matter discriminates against age, wisdom, gender, orientation… anything. I see this a lot in women as well and have written about it in numerous posts. Thank you so much for sharing, for being here and for being you. I’m happy that the post served you 🙂

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I loved this part: “The misery that they feel about themselves on a daily basis is their punishment.”

I’m happy he’s in pain for being an awful human being. He behaves how I’ve always felt about myself: a beautiful box with nothing inside it. He BEHAVES that way, where I merely feel that way.

And yet…”like attracts like”.

I’m having an epiphany regarding why I was so swiftly ‘rejected’. I am kind, caring, trusting and giving. I’m wounded as well, with a half-made bed, but I know what happiness looks like. Like attracts like. He couldn’t have me around.

Working my way through these amazing articles. Hoping I make my whole bed soon.

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So happy that the posts are helping 🙂 Thank you so much Cori. You are loved, believed in, supported, understood and never alone in this (or ever!). XO

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I just ended a 9-month relationship with an EU guy. In the beginning, he was perfect. His ex had cheated on him after 14 years together and they had three kids. I was constantly traveling with him (long-distance relationship – which I DO NOT recommend to anyone) and he was telling me about how excited he was for me to meet his kids, excited about our future, etc.. Well, about 5.5 months later, he starts to panic about me meeting the kids (this was his first serious relationship after the marriage broke up THREE years ago). He starts to cease talking about our future, yet still is traveling long distances to see me and texting/calling/being a bf. In order to continue the relationship, I tell him I’m sick of feeling like I’m being hidden from his kids and that he needs to go to therapy. I break it off in frustration. He texts telling me he now has a therapist and is working on his stupid fears of being honest with his kids. He fears he will lose them if he tells them about me (they don’t know about the affair…and, in fact, know nothing as he and the selfish ex haven’t told them a word – poor kids!). So, we get back together and he’s in therapy, reading books, working on himself and admitting that he’s closed off and has avoidance issues. A few months later? Quits the therapist (didn’t like her) and seems like he’s going backwards again. Retreating and scared to face life. Final straw? I ask about us spending the holidays together and I get a, “Well, I’ll be with the kids for a week at Christmas (means I won’t see him since they don’t know me yet)” and I ask, “And, Thanksgiving?” and this is where I just lost it, “Well, I don’t have the kids, but was hoping to be around their area in case I could see them the day before or after.” So, yet again, nothing — 9 months later and I’m STILL feeling like a mistress. So, I just never bothered with him again. He’s so EU that he never contacted me, either because he KNOWS I’m going to break up with him. That was over a week ago. Good riddance. You know, you try and try and try and then when you finally get out of the forest and can see the trees, you realize that you were trying to get blood from a rock. Thanks for this post. I hope my comment helps another person realize they’re trying too hard and that they shouldn’t feel like crap because they’re with someone that is confusing them and killing their self-esteem.

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Hi KT! I’m happy that the post helped 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing. I know that youR story will help other readers <3

You are loved, supported, understood and never, EVER alone. Sending you big love and hugs. XO

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NATASHA–First of all I’m reposting this comment because I didn’t realize that my photo was going to show when I entered my email!!! Please approve this one instead of that. Thank you 🙂
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OMG are you me???? This was so spot-on, you even got the “multi-million dollar business on social media” SO. FREAKIN. ACCURATELY. Seriously, what were the odds????

I feel like now that I’ve got this guy all figured out, I can finally stop questioning his behaviour and expecting unrealistic actions from . You are SO right about the lack of empathy–when we were in a relationship I always had to spell things out for him. He didn’t know how to make the connection between his actions and the consequences of those actions, and it was as if he didn’t understand feelings. He always said he had family issues but never really communicated them. I always felt that something was wrong with him but I couldn’t point out what it was, since he always made me feel bad for reacting negatively to his actions. Our messed up pattern was: he does something out of ignorance/stupidity/disregard for feelings, I get upset, he comes up with 10329048 reasons as to why what he did SHOULD be okay/is “not a big deal”, I negatively react towards the BS he’s throwing at me, he disappears and cuts me off, I get anxious and explain my situation even more as an attempt to make him understand (stupid I know), he continues to pretend I don’t exist, I get fed up and tell him it’s over, he comes back a few days later with an insincere “apology” just to end the drama (and to fill his fear of being alone, I’m guessing), I take him back immediately (even more stupid), and repeat when his ignorance kicks in again (which is like every 2-3 weeks). He kept complaining that I acted like his mom (as IF I wanted a boyfriend who was acting like a teenage son??? as if I enjoyed spelling out everything for him teaching him Feelings 101??? Um heck NO).

He made me look like a crazy psycho girlfriend until the whole thing drove me crazy and filled me with SO much frustration that I ACTUALLY became the crazy psycho girlfriend. It ended just as you described–all the blame on me. He’s basically acting as if he’s finally free of the “hindrance” that was me. Oh please, give me a break LOL.

If he does reach out to get back together before he has changed, I can’t do it anymore. It’s almost as if I’ll be doing both of us a favour: I’ll be saving the tiny bit of sanity left in me, and I’ll actually be giving him a chance to learn his lesson. It’ll take a long time for this person to change, assuming that he is capable of change. If he doesn’t reach out, it simply means he’s still the emotionally unavailable guy that he has been, and no thanks, I DO NOT want that.

Thank you so much for this post. It knocked a lot of sense into me.

Your comment is awaiting moderation.

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YAY! I’m happy it helped! Thanks beautiful 🙂 I deleted the comment with you photo on it! xx

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YAY! 🙂 I’m so happy it helped!! Thanks beautiful. XX

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Your website is now an almost daily bible study for me. My ex dumped me 6 months ago because he said he needed to be single. He started pursuing me while he was still with his ex (I had no idea at the time), they had been together 2 years and were living together. He obviously played down all the details and we got together the same day they broke up. So 7 months later and he tells me he cant be in a relationship, that he cant make me happy because he cant even make himself happy. We work together and were very close, I met all his friends and family. He met none of mine and always made excuses not to. He said we would still hang out and talk but pretty much straight away he was avoiding me. After months of me going between no contact and trying to speak to him, he has shut down all my attempts. He says yes we can hang out but is always busy, he never asks how I am or cares what is going on in my life. The day he broke up with me he had suddenly turned cold when just days before we were seemingly loved up. Since then he has not faltered once in his cold and distant attitude towards me both in person and by text. Effectively he treats me like a stranger. I am devastated and miss him like crazy. I have recently found out that he has a new girlfriend, someone he met very recently. They cannot have known each other more than 3 months but already he is posting loads of loved up instagram posts with her. She even commented on one calling him ‘my boy’. He never posted any pics of us together, we did so many things together and he never once posted any of it or any pictures of us. It was something I complained to him about because he still had so many pictures of his ex on his social media and none of us. His ex was a problem because she stayed in his life, there were pictures on his phone, his computer, in his room, on his social media. She still had a profile on his Netflix account (which she was still using) while we were together. He consistently lied to me about everything until one day I checked his phone and found out the truth. What hurts the most is he is now posting loved up pictures of him with someone else so early in the relationship when he refused to with me and broke up with me because he wanted to be single.

I don’t understand why he is doing this, he is acting really heartless and cold. It hurts me to have to see him at the office everyday, he has never apologised to me, never acknowledged he did anything wrong. He completely cut me out of his life in a second and hasn’t looked back. I am so crushed.
Reading your website, some of the things you say it’s like you took them straight from my heart. You make me feel less pathetic and alone. I had this stupid idea that he would come back to me and now he is giving everything he wouldn’t give to me to someone else. I know that you write a lot about self esteem, being needy, and having abandonment issues. I know you said that it isn’t your fault, and that since dealing with your issues that you no longer suffer these kind of men. I have it in the back of my mind that the problem is me, and the reason I get treated this way is because of the way I behave. He seems to have treated his ex much better than me and now this new girl. He even treated his ex post break up better than he treats me, he told her he loved and missed her while he was with me, he messaged her often to chat, even his family are still in contact with her. It just feels like for some reason I am being villainised while he is playing the victim and getting away with it without any remorse. I have to see him everyday acting so happy and indifferent towards me and it is tearing me apart. I have done everything possible to try to make myself better and move on but it is not working. It has been 6 months and he moved on the day he broke up with me.

My point is, I feel like I am the reason. I wish I had learnt all this and bettered myself before I met him. My heart and my mind are struggling to comprehend the situation. Your words really help but as soon as I see him I cannot make the connection between him being the person you speak about and who he appeared to me as. I am so confused and hurt. I cry everyday in the toilets at work and he just walks by me in the hallway and casually says hi like we are strangers. He even looks at me differently since the day he broke up with me, so cold and uncaring.

I have been really working on myself, I have learnt so much, strengthened my friendships and with family, I have taken up new hobbies, kept myself busy. I have read and listened to so many audio books. I am getting smarter about dating and I feel like I have made a lot of progress. None of it matters because as soon as I lay eyes on him or a memory of things we did together pops up, I just cry uncontrollably. It is very slowly getting better but it really is overwhelming.

What more can I do?

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I am so honored to have helped. You are understood, supported, loved, backed and believed in.

I wish that I could answer/respond, but I have too much to say to type it all out and not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give direct advice in the comments section.

Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding.

I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help you further ? The link to it is on the homepage.

All my love to you.

You are not alone xo

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Devestated,
It’s been a while since your post and I hope you are doing much better now. I stumbled on it and wanted to touch on something you mentioned and hopes it maybe makes you feel a little better.

You said that he did with this new girl all the things you had asked him to do with you but he didn’t and you thought maybe he didn’t because you didn’t deserve it or that she did. A while back I was Reading up on eu’s and narcissists online a LOT and this behavior seemed to be a recurring pattern. I don’t know if it was Here on PMS or somewhere else, I honestly don’t know whom to credit, it was mentioned that an explanation is that it’s because they are adaptable. They learn what works. The gist of it is he butters you up to get the attention and adoration that he needs and when he moves on he takes what he has learned from you and incorporates it into his new strategy to win over the next girl. He knows his ex gf really wanted these things, therefore this new girl must also want these things. And he will do them to win her over the way he won you over wit things he learned from the girl before you.

It has nothing to do with you personally.

Ummm. My bad if you were totally over it and I just reminded you of it. :). Lol

Hope you are doing great.

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Natasha,
I ended a two and a half year relationship two weeks ago .
I caught him lying to me about being in contact with females friends . Friends that flirt with him and cross boundaries . I was so hurt by him lying again I flipped out . I took all my stuff from his house and had him get his stuff from mine that might . We live an hour apart so it’s a ways .
I handled the entire thing terrible and wrote him and email two days later . I should have waited on sending it . He has completely ignored me and never said another word to me . I am deeply crushed . I had hoped he would get help for his lying habit and we could work on our issues together. He knows he has an issue with lying . We spent so much time together and shared so much together as well as introducing our families and children to each other . I understand he has a problem with lying I understand I have my own work to do but what I don’t understand is how he just cut me out completely . It is a pain I carry with me daily . Any insite?

Thanks ,
Angel

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Hi Angel!

I wish that I could answer but I have too much to say to type it all out, not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details. This is why I cannot give direct advice in the comments section.

Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding.

I do offer one-on-one coaching if you’re interested and would be happy to help. The link to it is on the homepage.

All my love to you sister.

You are not alone xo

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Hi Natasha! Thank you so much for this article! It has helped a lot! Definitely something I needed to hear! But how exactly do we deal with an ex that’s emotionally unavailable? Especially when they keep coming back to try and make conversation with you, seem completely comfortable with that ( despite saying they’re really really hurt) and look like they’ve never even been in a relationship with you. Do we cut them off completely? But then seem weak? Or do I also try to make the conversation back to seem strong and like “I don’t care either”. It’s hard cause I’m still forced to see him every few days because we’re at college together. I hate to see him acting like there’s nothing wrong with what he did, and again “ I was the crazy one”. I’d appreciate few tips xxxxx

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Hi Claire!

I’m so happy that the post helped 🙂 I wish that I could answer/advise but I have too much to say to type it all out, not enough hands to type or hours in the day. This is why I cannot give direct advice in the comments section. I do have posts that relate to this though – I even have one that may pertain to you situation about having to work with an ex (same as going to school together). Just search the blog and you can find them 🙂

Thank you for your love, for reading, and for your understanding. Other readers are here to support you and I do offer one-on-one coaching if you are interested. Link to it is on the home page.

All my love to you sister.

You are not alone xx

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Natasha, thank you for this. I take full responsibility for the blinders that I refused to take off with my most recent emotionally unavailable ex, and the excuses I made and red flags I ignored. However, the one thing I can do is ride the white horse like Lady Godiva on steroids. Minutes after he dumped me by text, like a bolt out of the blue, I blocked him on FB Messenger, unfriended him, unfollowed a mutual FB friend who might insert unwanted BS in my newsfeed, deleted his contact info from my phone, deleted all pictures (including the ones in cloud storage), threw out the ring he gave me for my birthday (along with the contents of the litter box; it needed scooping anyway) and tossed almost every other vestige of my short (5 months) but meaningful (to me, or so I thought) time with him.

I have erased him from my life. I can maintain no contact until my current life is over and I’m halfway through the next one, and even then we’ll see. I graced him with my love and presence for five months, and he will never have that in his life again. Certainly not from me, likely not from anyone else whos’s worth it because, true story, there’s only one of me and he won”t find this again. I made mistakes. I disrespected myself by not listening to my gut and telling it to go play instead of bugging me, and for that I”m ashamed of myself. However, I believe that this is happening in my life at this time for a reason, and I’m meeting it head-on so that I stop this stupid bullsh*t once and for all. And am giving myself up to the therapeutic process, gladly.

I maintain that I will never hear from him again. About 95% of the people in my life, including my objective therapist, say I will eventually. He’s in for a rude awakening because nothing says everything like silence. Words are wasted on the deaf. And nothing feels better than regaining control and finally honoring my self-respect which, I truly believe, was there all along….just a little slow on the uptake.

I see you’re a fellow yogi. Namaste.

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M,

Thank you so much for sharing <3 Thank you for your love, support, for being a part of this tribe and for shining your beautiful light here. You are so right about silence - I totally agree.

You are appreciated, loved, understood, supported, and believed in.

All my love to you. Namaste. xx

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Wow you are an inspiration to me !! I also was dumped by my EUM two weeks ago , out of the blue or text . I’m struggling and replaying every moment in my head . I wish I had your strength!!

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I think I find myself in a difficult situation. It’s plain and simple that I was ghosted after I professed my true deep feelings for him. But I got nothing in return, no response, not even an I don’t feel that way for you. We’ve been in a relationship for three months and I feel humiliated. How can I pick myself up and brush it off?

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I just came across this post on Google search because I was looking for faster ways to get over an emotionally unavailable man. I’ve been dating this guy on and off for 4yrs now and nothing ever seems to work b/watch the both of us and it sucks bcos he’s better looking and more advanced than other guys that approach me and I always aim high. Currently we’re not talking simply bcos I said my mind about his attitude towards me in fact he actually blocked me on social media 🙁
I had to beg him to forgive me for saying my mind which he accepted and I’ve decided to stay away from him like cut off and I’m confused if I’m doing the right thing and also scared I might go back to him 🙁

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Excellent article Natasha. It validated everything I’ve been feeling and going though over the last few years with my now ex-fiance. Thank you so much…

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I’m so happy that it helped! 🙂 Thank YOU Michele, for being a part of this tribe.

All my love to you soul sister. xo

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My ex went on texting my friend the night of our break up, the next day he was out with another girl he said to not to worry about. Then he broke up with her too, then tried to get back together with me, and was parallel texting a ton of other women. Anytime he’d start contacting me and I’d get frustrated with his push and pull game and his words without actions, he’d go back to that other girl right away, and she’s just as dumb as I am taking him back every time. We had a little argument just yesterday and I see him getting back with her today. And he doesn’t see anything wrong with any of it.
He posted my handwritten note on Instagram just to impress girls, wouldn’t surprise me if he showed it off like ‘hey, this fool is still not over me, even though I treated her like shit.’

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As an habitually ’emotionally unavailable’ guy… I move on in 2-3 days, ramp up dates and get with someone new in a short time frame… That’s what being emotionally unavailable is about (you don’t get hurt)… I’m working on it though in the interest of more meaningful, long term relationships

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Thanks for this post Natasha.

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Thank YOU Darling for your love, support, and for being a part of this tribe 🙂 xox

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