Dreaming about an ex is the ultimate mind f*ck because really, dreams can mean ANYTHING. They’re open to interpretation and there is never a definitive answer as to what they mean.

If breaking up didn’t cause enough heartbreaking sleepless nights, there’s nothing worse than thinking about obsessing over/stalking your ex all day and then when you can actually sleep, not even being able to catch a break in your sleep because, just like that… there he is.

I remember months after a particularly bad breakup, I had finally started dating again and feeling (almost) back to myself. There was still a level of loneliness and sadness, but it was manageable and for the first time, I could feel myself overcoming it. Things made me laugh again, my appetite came back, I didn’t feel cold 24/7 and I was slowly but surely, moving on. He didn’t occupy my days, my heart, my libido or my mind any longer. I had “made sense” of it all and neatly filed the relationsh*t away. Yeah, I’d think about him every now and then or I’d look at his social media, but no big deal. Then one Sunday morning, everything unraveled. I woke up from dreaming about him. It was such a visceral dream, I was shaking, soaked in a cold sweat. WHY? Wtf did it mean?

There have been times that I don’t even REMEMBER having a dream, let alone dreaming about an ex, and then a girlfriend that was sleeping over will tell me that I was talking in my sleep (wtf) and calling out my ex’s name (huh?!).

I can’t be alone in this.

What does dreaming about an ex really mean?

& why do our exes haunt our dreams even after they have long departed our reality?

So what does dreaming about an ex really mean? How do you make sense of it all? 

Looking back with my 20/20 hindsight, I should have had my own show on TLC called, “Natasha Adamo: Dream Interpreter.” I could have been the Cesar Milan of dreams. I wasted a hell of a lot of time, time that I will never get back, allowing my dreams to keep me stuck, remain invested and ultimately set me back. I romanticized the f*ck out of dreaming about my ex. One dream, and I was dutifully interpreting it with a Shakespearean accent and a mental feather pen.

What I’ve learned is that it doesn’t matter what context you dreamt about your ex in. You could have had a sexual dream about him, a dream that he cheated on you, embarrassed you, hurt you, did whatever it was you always wanted him to do, a funny dream, a scary dream… whatever the case may be, they all mean and ultimately indicate the same thing: Trauma.

In my non-profesh, street-cred opinion – dreaming about an ex is nothing more than your heart, your insecurities, your desires, your hopes and your truth, trying it’s best to play catch up with what is, with what has passed, and with what has transpired since. And as I’ve said before, arguing with reality is the cockblock of acceptance – whether it be arguing with reality consciously or subconsciously. 

I remember the very first time I went to acupuncture, the acupuncturist suggested a “trauma release” treatment. That was the first time in my life that I ever projectile cried. I no joke cried like a cartoon character. I cried so hard, my tears were shooting up in the air as I laid there by myself on the bed with 187326182 needles in me. I thought of and remembered things that I hadn’t in YEARS. I couldn’t drive home after that treatment. I fell asleep in my car for a few hours and then again when I got home. The next day, I called the doctor to make sure nothing was wrong he didn’t drug me.

He explained to me that when we experience trauma, grief, loss, betrayal and hopelessness, those emotions get trapped in our organs and tissues. If left unchecked, it has been said that this can lead to certain cancers and dis-ease within the body. The acupuncture broke up what was emotionally trapped within my body and this is why I was having the reaction that I was.

So if emotional trauma can remain trapped within our organs and tissues, is it really THAT off base to assume that it can remain trapped within our psyche? I don’t think so. 

Dreaming about an ex is nothing more than your mind and heart trying to process the emotional trauma of loss, shock, disappointment and betrayal (both self inflicted and ex inflicted).

I’m not minimizing the trauma or realness OF the actual dream, I’m just advising against taking the dreaming about an ex and running with it to crazytown.

What dreaming about an ex is NOT:

The biggest mistake I made was allowing the fact that I was dreaming about an ex to DISALLOW ME from evolving and moving on with my life. I allowed the fact that I was dreaming about an ex to give me a stagnation license, making any kind of evolution impossible, invalid and “must-avoid-at-all-costs,” kind of scary.

Just because you’re dreaming about an ex, that should NOT escalate your ex’s value. It also should NOT give you a green light to “further investigate,” be plagued with guilt and regret by thinking that you made a mistake, or think that just because you’re dreaming about him, that it must “mean something.” It doesn’t. He’s still the same bag of douches and you’re still seeking validation. Trust me when I say that if he was that great, you’d get a lot more of an indication of his “greatness” than just dreams. 

The only thing it means is that you were deeply affected, traumatized, and that your head and heart are processing it as best as they can.

If you’re like me and you still want specific reasons as to WHY you keep dreaming about an ex, here are a few:

  1. You didn’t get proper closure in the relationsh*t. Honestly, we will never get the “perfect” closure. I don’t think it exists. If you feel like you didn’t get proper closure, USE his unavailability and the fact that he’s incapable of a mutual relationship, to propel you into creating your OWN closure.
  2. There are still feelings there. And that’s okay. You can honor those feelings without having to jump off your white horse  and trick yourself into believing that the relationsh*t is worth resuscitating. You don’t need to further embarrass yourself by contacting him, JUST because you’ve been dreaming.
  3. You’re unhappy in your current life/relationship/job.
  4. You’ve been on an FBI-investigatory stalking binge. 
  5. You’ve been subconsciously triggered by alcohol, substance, another person, yourself, a song, movie, exhaustion, social media, your best friend getting engaged, HIM getting engaged… and the list goes ON. Okay, you’re triggered. Still not a valid reason to drink the “he-was-the-love-of-my-life-my-Happily-Ever-After-is-nevermore,” Kool-Aid.

Your ex is your ex for a REASON. A reason that is totally valid, INDEPENDENT of whatever you dream.

Your dreams only have as much power & meaning as you CHOOSE to give them.

CHOOSE to disempower the ex dreams by subscribing to reality, getting back up, hugging yourself a bit tighter, putting one foot in front of the other and knowing that you’re part of a tribe.

xx

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27 comments

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❤️’d this Natasha! Another amazing post 🙌🏽

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Thank you for making sense of what I have been struggling with for months now. It makes me laugh to think I was going t go to a psychic to interpret my dreams. Lol. I have all the answers I need now. Thank you for being you Natasha 💖

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Thank you Natasha x ive made so much progress in the last six months, only to have a heart wrenching dream about him out of the blue some time last week. I didnt want to get out of bed … not sure how I wouldve handled it had I not had the 2000 screenshots of your blog on my phone to quickly go over before my day started lol. You are so special, thank you again 💛

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It takes one to know one Louana! You are very special too 🙂 Thank you so much for the love and support. I’m happy that the blog has helped and I know how you’re feeling. You will get through this; you’re not alone xxxxxx

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I seriously, no lie had a dream last night about my ex! It was the freaking worst. I think what triggered it is last night I went bowling with my family. The last time I’ve went bowling in that particular place or even stepped foot there was Halloween night last year when my ex and I went on a date. It was such a great night, and going bowling with my family brought so many memories of being with my ex on Halloween night. I had felt moments of sadness, but my family is so comical I didn’t stay in sadness all through the night. It really made me miss my ex because I was reminiscing over and over after I got home last night. At first, I had no dream when going to sleep, but I wake up occasionally to check my phone to see if my ex text me. It’s a really bad habit I have. Anyways my dream didn’t come until early early this morning when I woke up and then went back to sleep. It was such a horrid dream, I just remember my ex texting me and us going back and forth about the relationship. My ex was not responsive, and even got a friend involved to text me and throw it in my face that the relationship is over and to tell me no one cares about the difficult time I’ve gone through out the break up. I woke up so scared and sad. Dreaming of your ex is the worst and this wouldn’t be the first time I’ve dreamt since the break up.

Great post Natasha once again. You’re so right on, and I love how you can relate to me in so many ways. This post came in such perfect timing!

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Thanks Melody! I’m so happy that it helped! 🙂 xx

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Speaks to my molecules deep inside ♥

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🙂 yay!

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I recently discovered your blog and I just want to say how amazing and truthful all of your words are. I haven’t been able to understand why I keep dreaming about an ex when I’ve been trying so hard to move on – this post is so spot on! Thank you for creating this wonderful space to empower women around the world and for giving a voice to those who are heartbroken.

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Sheena, you’re going to make me cry. Thank YOU for taking the time to reach out and for your love and support. I’m so glad that the blog has served you and thank you for allowing me to see that I am never and was never alone in my experiences and pain. xoxo

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Wow, I actually woke up this morning from a very vivid dream luckily to find this post waiting for me in my inbox. You are helping me tremendously, thank you!

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Yay! So happy it helped! Thanks Bella 🙂 x

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Natasha!!! Excellent post! You made me laugh as well as focus on the real stuff, me not my ex. I had this same issue happen after I broke up with him, just when I thought I was getting better I’d have dreams, I remember once waking up and literally saying “COME ON! Like give me a break dreams!” but you are so right, I just started to focus on myself, self love and remembering why things didn’t work out! Thanks for this gentle reminder!! You’re the best!

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Thanks Sandy! 🙂 I’m so glad that you had a laugh (I was actually making myself laugh at times while I was writing it lol), & I’m happy that it was helpful in allowing you to better focus on what matters: YOU. XOXO Thanks sister!

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Good post, Natasha 🙂 thank you…everything you said makes sense. I’ve not had the fucktard dreamscape yet, but IF I do, I WILL BE ARMED AND READY! #onmywaysister 😀

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F*cktard dreamscape LOL! Thanks sister!! xoxo

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LOVE the decor….And article of course 😉

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🙂 thanks babe! xoxo

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Lovely article xx Your bedroom is gorgeous! Has anyone ever told you that you look exactly like Kate Beckinsale?

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This all makes sense now. Good thing is all over 🙌🏼🙌🏼

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Yay! xo 🙂

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I recently came across your words, and honestly nothing has helped more. Seriously, thank you, Natasha! I have been struggling with letting go these past few weeks, and have even made the mistake of contacting an ex again for closure. I thought I had made progress but then talking to him again was like picking at my scabs. Thank you for the gentle reminder that your feelings don’t have to trick you back into wishing/reminiscing about the way things used to be.

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Hi Ria! That makes me so happy to hear 🙂 Thank you! You’re not alone xoxo

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I’ve recently broke up with my ex. It was not something I wanted but i had been unhappy for several years. Anyways, we still live together but lead seperate lives. Long story short, I’ve been having the most wonderful, romantic, and loving dreams about him. It really worried me because i have feelings during them that I don’t have during my waking days. It was helpful to read your blog as I feel much better knowing it’s just another way I’m processing the breakup. Thank you for sharing!

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So happy it helped! I’ve dealt with the same dreams; it’s normal <3

Thanks Vanessa 🙂 You're not alone. XOX

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My soon to be ex husband molested my daughter and i recently had a mental breakdown because of the trauma and the dreams set me back, but then i run into this article and it puts things back into perspective. Thank you so much.

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Tara,

I am so incredibly sorry. Knowing that this post helped you in light of what you’re going through as both a mother and an ex… There are no words.

You are loved, understood, empathized with, backed, believed in and never, ever alone. Sending you and your daughter big love. XOXO

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