Let’s get right to the point, because if you were in a relationship with a toxic, emotionally unavailable, or narcissistic person and despite it all, continue to miss this person during a No Contact period, the question “does he miss me during No Contact?” probably lives in your bones.

Especially around the holidays.

The answer is: Yes. Your ex misses you in the very same way he was in a relationship with you…

Inconsistently.

I’ll explain.

As with many things, to understand the answer to the questions “does he think about me?” or “does he miss me during no contact?” requires that we unpack those questions first.

You already know this, but the purpose of no contact is to remove yourself from a toxic relationship and avoid being triggered by someone who brought you pain, so that you can heal and move forward.

Should you feel shame for even asking these questions?

Does the constant, banging refrain of “Does he miss me during no contact?” mean that you are not healing?

Does the very fact that you are asking these questions mean that you miss your ex so terribly that you are actually destined to be together?

No.

Wondering “does my ex miss me?” is normal.

If you are grasping, desperate, and obsessed for some sign that he misses you… that’s normal too. If you feel like you somehow exist a little bit less in this world or that the holidays are void of joy because you are hearing radio silence, please know that you are not crazy. You make sense.

If you were in a relationship with someone who:

  • Provided you with inconsistent love, attention, and support
  • Alternated between showering you with love and then ignoring you
  • Never quite let you know where you stand and/or…
  • Made you feel like it was not safe to be yourself and express your feelings…

Then please understand this: all humans feel pain when they feel unseen, unheard, ignored, and abandoned in a relationship. I’m willing to bet you have a lot of experience with these feelings. You’ve spent a lot of time waiting to be consistently loved.

It stands to reason, then, that missing your ex during a period of no contact and waiting for any kind of energetic flicker that this person feels one ounce of the pain you are feeling…  feels a lot like the relationship you WERE in, in the first place.

If you felt abandoned and alone in the relationship, you will definitely feel abandoned and alone now that the relationship is over. In fact, if this is all you have known with regard to your ex, you are primed to feel this way.

If you were in this kind of relationship, it’s probably also true, based on your past history, that you have been primed to feel this way for a long time. Your body is now the foremost expert in waiting, grasping, and hoping for a response.

If you made the crucial and courageous decision to go no contact with a toxic person, the truth is that this period can initially feel like more of the same kind of pain. Never feel ashamed of these feelings. You are so not alone in how you feel, but please know that these waves of missing your ex are not indicators of someone irreplaceable that you have lost. They are your own soul, plaintively calling you back to yourself.

But I get it. For now, these waves certainly have the look, feel, and taste of your ex. This is why it’s important to ground yourself in the reality of how lonely, insecure, or starving for love you may have felt while in the relationship.

If you don’t ground yourself with this reality, you will waste your precious and only life. You will be waiting for someone who could not provide you with consistent love when you were in the relationship with them, to consistently miss you so much out of the relationship that they will undergo a personality transformation, see themselves as a party who has wronged someone else, and consistently follow through with anything for the first time in their life.

Now that you are out of the relationship, you are also safe to experience these feelings of loneliness because you are now doing what you can to:  minimize exposure to a toxic environment that would inevitably trigger you, making you feel invisible and powerless all over again. It takes a lot of compassion, safety, protection and care for that kind, beautiful soul in you (who has been through so much and survived it all)  to very, very slowly and carefully – let go.

So while you’re miserably simmering and trying to heal at the same time, your ex gets to live a dream life without you?

No.

How do I know? I’m not a mind reader. Neither are you. What we do know is that toxic, emotionally unavailable, or narcissistic people exhibit a pattern of thinking and behaving that remains constant. They are heavily armored people who are laser-focused on the protection of their ego and self-esteem, at all times.

  • They may miss you, but much like actually being with you, they don’t do it well.
  • They can’t miss you like you miss them, because they are bottom line, not as emotionally equipped to experience true intimacy as you are.
  • You (and everyone else) has been, and always will be, secondary to the survival of their ego. This means that while they may think about you, their pattern of perceived survival depends on superficial ego highs, instead of the intimacy and connection other people crave.
  • Giving you an indication that they miss you is too expensive, and because they can generate little emotional currency, it will only be given to you if there is an egoic high to be gained in return.

As you may well know, doling out ego highs will inevitably make you feel like you are weak and disposable. Providing an ego high, even when you sincerely love someone and “get them” will never help you feel seen, heard, or safe because you will never perceive the little attention you do receive back as unique to you. It will never make you feel special, loved, or chosen. It is simply something they want; that you are eagerly available to give.

This all has absolutely nothing to do with your worth.  It has everything to do with the unchanging nature of the emotionally impotent person you are dealing with.

There is a quote that is associated with Maya Angelou that reads, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

For many people, this is a beautiful quote about human relationships and intimacy. It’s a sincere, shorthand way of saying: relationships are messy, and we all say and do things that we regret, but underneath it all is that crucial kernel of connection, the memory of feeling extra- alive, profoundly happy, and safe to be your truest self in the presence of another equally unique and precious human. For people who have an ability to experience such a connection — this is what we miss, long for, and never forget.

All humans who have the ability to be emotionally intimate, miss each other in this way. If your ex gave you a measure of consistent love and empathy and if your ex was not toxic, emotionally unavailable or narcissistic — please know you are inevitably very much missed.

There is no one like you, and while you may have done things you now shudder at or regret, please know that what people remember, yearn for and miss are the intimate, connected moments when they felt at ease and loved in your presence. In this same way, if you were able to consistently connect with your ex, you may be missing and grieving the loss of someone you love, but you are not starving for closure, love, or acknowledgment. You were in a relationship where both people could experience emotional intimacy.

Does an emotionally unavailable or toxic ex miss you in this same way?

Maybe in a nostalgic mili-flicker. But this isn’t because they don’t long for you, in their way.

It’s very sad (but very defended) that traumatized people will go to such great lengths to protect themselves from feeling any negative feelings that they miss out on true emotional intimacy with themselves. They miss out on compassion for themselves when they make a mistake. They miss out on being at peace with themselves, during most moments. And they miss out on truly missing you, not because you are not missable, but because it is simply impossible feel true intimacy with another when you are completely closed off on yourself.

So what do you get instead? More of the same of what you got while in the relationship.

1. Your ex will miss the person he was while he was with you.

It doesn’t matter whether he is alone, partnered with someone who lives in a garbage can, or is posting pictures with someone who looks like a Victoria’s Secret model.

We talk a lot about this idea that emotionally unavailable, selfish, and narcissistic people will go through rounds of valuing you (showering you with love) and devaluing you (ignoring you or outright being cruel). What we don’t talk about is that this type of ex also goes through rounds of valuing and devaluing himself.

It has been said many times before, but people only know how to be in the kind of relationship they are in with themselves.

What does this mean? It means that no matter what your ex’s current circumstance, he will go through moods and cycles in which he feels either (1) completely worthless or (2) king of the world. This cycle will occur even if it seems like his life is better than it ever was before.

He will miss the person he was while he was with you when he feels completely worthless.

  • He will miss the guy who was adored and pedestaled, despite his behavior.
  • He will miss the guy having the girlfriend/wife experience.
  • He will miss having his every whim catered to by someone whose job was to be a perfection concierge.
  • He will miss the guy who was with (fill in the blank with status symbol) girl. Even if you feel completely worthless right now, trust me, whatever it is that you have that would remotely inspire jealousy in others (an amazing career, eyes, skill, education, book collection, tomato plant, fill in the blank with literally anything) is what he will think about, talk about, and may even embellish about to others, EVEN IF you would swear up and down that he has “upgraded” to a different person or seems to be living a better life.
  • He will miss the guy who was with someone who he could count on to be predictable and always there for him.

It breaks my heart when I read comments or questions that ask: if these types of people typically thrive on drama, “hoover,” and always ask for more – why am I hearing nothing? And if there ARE times when he is thinking of you and missing you (in terms of how he wishes he feels about himself), why doesn’t he reach out?

He doesn’t reach out because this type of missing someone is not rooted in an emotionally intimate connection specific to you. It is rooted in a coping mechanism to manage periodic feelings of low-self-esteem-panic. If he does reach out, it will be to obtain an ego high and to confirm that you are still very much available and predictably into him.

If your ex feels chronically empty and unhappy in relationships and does not have any desire to develop new coping mechanisms, he will experience a vague hope that every remotely attractive person that he meets will finally be the right person – the one with whom he will no longer feel empty and unhappy.

Thinking about you and missing you, after the relationship is over, is something like thinking about the last fad diet he was on, while he was on it. The diet that he hoped would work, that seemed to make sense for him, but that he found he couldn’t consistently follow.

He may linger on the feelings of optimism he felt when you were together (the relationship initially felt perfect), and even the (short-lived) relief (this relationship will work because she is just perfect and makes me feel like a king) that he experienced before concluding that your relationship just won’t work.

I am in no way trying to minimize your relationship. You are obviously so much more than a wisp of hope on a fad diet. It is just important to make clear that your ex may miss the person he was while he was with you, but this is not the type of “missing” that you deserve. It is short-lived (until he swings back to feeling like a king again), inconsistent, and rooted in his own ego.

This type of missing you, even if he reaches out, will never make you feel supported, nourished, and consistently loved. It will feel very much the same as the relationship you were in because you are dealing with the very same, emotionally impotent, ego-driven person. It will again end the way your relationship ended before because this person will eventually cycle back to the same feelings of worthlessness and consciously or unconsciously blame those (at least partly) on you.

Ok, but isn’t the point of no contact (that you’re not really supposed to talk about) to get your ex to regret losing you?

2. “Does he miss me during no contact?”Your ex will miss you if he perceives you as different, glowed up, and indifferent to his absence.

If you continue to maintain no contact, you will begin to feel less powerless, less invisible, and safer to feel (all) of your feelings and to be authentically yourself. It may seem impossible and progress may occur at a glacial pace, but it will happen. If you continue to maintain no contact, you will, plain and simple, forever be the girl who got away.

But maybe not for the reasons you believe.

If you are suddenly unpredictable, unbothered, and at ease. If your ex starts hunting for an ego snack of evidence that you miss him, can’t live without him, will never be the same, but never finds this evidence. If all he finds is a level-up version (not just physically, but energetically) of the girl he used to know…

This will again inspire a stirring of that familiar vague hope that you ARE actually THE ego trophy that will make his self-esteem skyrocket for life.

Anyone who has worked through a relationship, experienced emotional intimacy, and has the ability to see the good AND bad in themselves and others understand that there is no such magical ego trophy that will make you feel great about yourself all of the time.

Regardless, if you continue to leave him alone, your ex WILL think about you because he will start to garner hope that he actually was mistaken and that you are the missing link in his miserable life. You have cycled back to being valued.

You are once again, a new fad diet. Until he once again, attempts to get emotionally intimate with you, realizes he has the same defenses, and devalues you all over again.

Don’t be the fad diet. Don’t give him the chance. Stay on your white horse. Be the girl who got away.

And if he sees you as glowed up and indifferent but never indicates to you that he misses you, please know that he feels regret, in the limited way that he can.

This means there is no such thing as “signs he misses you during no contact.” If your ex contacts you during no contact, this does not mean he or she wants to be with you in the long term. He may be looking for an ego hit, missing the guy he was when he was with you, or has cycled back to valuing you for the status and esteem upgrade he believes you can supply.

If your ex is a radio silence operator during the no contact period, this does not mean he or she does not want to be with you. It means that he is the same person you were in a relationship with – someone who only has the ability to love, support, and now miss you – inconsistently.

Going no contact with a toxic, emotionally unavailable, and narcissistic ex will change you. Going no contact with this ex will make them miss you, think about you, and regret missed opportunities for the ego highs he used to get while with you. But going no contact with this ex is unlikely to make your ex be or behave any differently from the guy you already know.

Imagine this. You are visited by the Ghost of Christmas Future who gives you a glimpse into your ex’s life, several years from now. When you see him, you feel a rush of familiarity. That familiarity is indicative of the fact that he has not changed. At all. He may be with a different partner or living elsewhere. He may have gotten a sweet new job. He may be a father, a mayor, a celebrity – but he has not changed.

There is no amount of money, status, partner, or change in circumstances that will make an emotionally unavailable person feel true connectedness or intimacy. You will see his life as an empty shell. He may have it all or he may have nothing, but in either case, you see that he is constantly grasping for the person, place, or status that will supply him with enough of a self-esteem high to get him through the next day, year, phase of life, and lifetime. You see that he has looked back on his life with regret that maybe someone or something he left behind was the life raft he missed.

And where are you in this vision? Are you taking care, taking advantage of your own precious life, becoming connected to yourself, surrounded by people who make you feel safe to be yourself, and living in the image of who you hoped to be? Or does the Ghost of Future Christmas show you an image of you, as you currently are: searching for yourself in the emotionally disordered life of someone else?

Don’t let present you become future you on the prayer that someone who was never able to consistently provide you with love and support will consistently miss you for long enough to change.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with missing your ex during the holidays and wondering how this season can pass without hearing from him. Please be kind to yourself and grieve the person who you thought he was. Please hold onto whatever joy, peace, and connectedness this season brings to you. Be kind and careful with yourself, but please also look for it – it will be there for you whenever you are ready to see it. Much love to you and happy holidays.

This post was written by Irena xx

Irena will be answering your comments and questions below 🙂

If you need further and more personalized help with No Contact (whether it be with a romantic relationship, a friendship, or family) please check out my intensive, No Contact Contract course. For one-on-one help, please look into working with me here.

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42 comments

Reply

This was such a perfectly timed post Irena, thank you.

I broke up and went no-contact with a narcissist earlier in the year, after he’d triangulated, used, undermined and made me so deeply unhappy and feel so crazy I wasn’t sure who I was anymore. He immediately hopped into another relationship (while still texting me, asking to meet up). After I changed my phone number, I managed to pull myself back – finding my inner happiness, my confidence, my self-belief. Then – yesterday – he popped back up online (single again) and I majorly wobbled. As when we were first together, his profile was still everything I’m looking for, and I managed to spiral slightly: missing that version of him, wondering if he’d become a better person, if maybe I just wasn’t good enough to get the great, sweet, fun guy he so brilliantly presented. If he missed me at all; if I was crazy to still miss him nearly a year later when he’d treated me so poorly.

But this post landed in my inbox at the exact right moment, and I remembered that he’s simply not the guy he presents to the world: that’s the version of the man he wants to be, and he’s good enough at it to convince everyone until they really know him – at which point he methodically destroys them. He’s even good enough at it to convince HIMSELF, for huge periods of time – and then he sees a glimpse of who he really is and blames whichever girl he’s with at the time for ‘making him’ a bad man. Which is why he’s single again, the week before Christmas. And why I narrowly escaped being the girl who was dumped, the week before Christmas.

Thanks for reminding me that nobody can take me away from myself – unless I let them.

Staying on my white horse.

xxxx

Reply

Stefanie,

Thank you so much for your comment. I’m so happy to know that this post served you. I have felt that way about so many of Natasha’s posts. They seem to land at exactly the right moment.

Thank you for sharing — you make others feel less alone. AND you so beautifully describe how hard it can be to stay on your white horse: you can have doubts, you can have set backs, you can experience former feelings and thought patterns AND you can still take care and stay on your white horse. You just totally nailed it: people with toxic patterns simply do not magically become better people. And here’s what I think gets lost, that you hit on head on: the image that he presents may be the person he wants to be. It may even be the person he genuinely intends to be. Just because that wish MAY be genuine, does not mean that you have to be continuously stuck in the same cycle over and over again.

It takes a lot of work and courage to make even small changes to our patterns. They don’t simply happen because a person may wish for the change to occur. But guess what? YOU are so courageous and REAL: YOU have done the work to put in a change for yourself to stay away from toxic people and to put faith that there is better for you ahead. This mindset can be agonizingly difficult to consistently maintain, but you have done it even though it’s been hard. It makes me so happy to read your thoughts and to know how far you have come. You truly give others courage and hope.

Much love to you!

Irena

Reply

Thank you. I really needed to read this. It’s been a year and a half and my ex reached out to me. Just a simple email congratulating me on a successful project but he added one single sentence that has me heading to the rabbit hole…”I am sorry I haven’t been in touch but am finding no amount of time passing has made it any easier”.
So the constant “What does that mean” started…it just means its the holidays, his new girlfriend (second since we broke up) may not be giving him the ego hits or whatever.
I am worth more than crumbs, that is what the last year and a half has taught me. I needed to read this.

Reply

Laine,

YES. It gave me chills to read your comment — because of the way that you described KNOWING the intent of that cryptic message. I absolutely understand how reading something like that can get under your skin, get you to start asking questions, and to start stringing together hope. But underneath it all, you KNEW that if someone with character, integrity, and courage wanted to reach out, to reconcile, or to even apologize, they would do so in a far more straightforward manner. That is what you deserve. I know that hearing from someone from your past can be really jarring and may make you feel confused and sad. But please know that your reaction to it all means you have come so far in healing. And you have come so far in understanding that that the half-a**ed and inconsistent behavior of others is something they own and NOT what you deserve. So happy to see this comment. Thank you for sharing this.

Much love to you!

xx
Irena

Reply

Irena,

This post was exactly what I needed. Thank you so much! ♡ I truly wouldn’t be where I am today without you or Natasha or this incredibly life changing blog.

Reply

Hi Tiffany,

Thank you so much for writing. It makes me so happy to hear that you found it to be useful. I feel exactly the same way about Natasha, this blog, and this community. Thank you for being here and being true to yourself. We all wouldn’t be the same without each other. ❤️ So much love to you!

xx Irena

Reply

I really needed this post right now. Thankyou. So. Much. Dumped yesterday by a man who’s been wonderful for 2 months then flew into a fit of narcissistic rage I didn’t ever expect to see from him, I have been stuck around the longing for connection. Reading these words validated that feeling so much in a way that helps me get unstuck in this moment.

Reply

Hi Tam’e,

Thank you so much for writing. I’m sorry to hear you have been given inconsistent love. It can be so confusing when someone who is wonderful is suddenly exactly the opposite of that. Please know that you are never alone in how you feel. Please also know that his fits of narcissistic rage were likely there long before you were involved and aren’t a reaction to who you are as a partner and as a person. Please continue to remind yourself of this when you get down and allow yourself to feel sadness that he revealed himself as someone whose behavior you can no longer tolerate in your life. Sometimes we just need to grieve the people our ex partners purported to be before revealing who they actually are. Much love and peace to you on this day and always.

xx
Irena

Reply

Hi there, I’m 15 months out of my relationship that shattered my heart so badly that I didnt think I’d ever survive those very dark days, and yet I still miss her, I keep coming back to this blog as it has helped me so much, while I miss her I’ve stayed quiet and on my white horse all this time, she after 5 months of us splitting up found herself a new girl and wow when I found out I was broken again, how does someone who adored me and proposed marriage replace me so quickly??? But I carried on my white horse admitted probably upside down and in a daze of tears and snot but I stayed silent with posts like this we are not alone. Thankyou to you and Natasha

Reply

The part about him missing you as inconsistently as he was in the relationship, that spoke to me. He is not different and he is certainly not better than when I left him. He is the same emotionally stunted person I left and will always be.

I found this blog about two years ago after a really painful and confusing breakup, and this guy just texted me after two years! Insane. I had changed his name from Steve to Crumbs a long time ago, so it was amusing to see the message from “Crumbs” last week. I highly recommend you do the same, your future self will thank you! Anyway, clearly the holidays had him pathetically looking for an ego fix I guess, I don’t know, I have long been over him.

The sweetest revenge for me was when I texted him back, “Who is this?” I knew exactly who he was but he didn’t need to know that! Well, he actually replied with his name, then apologized if it was “out of line ” to contact me. I replied with radio silence. My message is, you aren’t worth one ounce if attention back. Stay on your white horse! You are NOT losing anything from these types!

Reply

“I had changed his name from Steve to Crumbs“ made me laugh out loud 😀

Reply

Nothing better than getting the need-an-ego-fix text from Crumbs! Such a pleasant Christmas surprise 😊

Reply

These posts have helped me so much, especially during the holiday period.
I was with my ex for 4 years, during that time he deactivated his social media accounts and told me he didnt believe in using it. (Despite having used it for years before he moved to England) he kept in touch with his ex during our relationship but claimed he was worried about her.

We had made plans for me to move to his home country this year, all we had left to do was go for the final visa interview. He returned back to England after going home for the holidays and booked a one way ticket a week later and told me he couldn’t see it working. For 6 months he kept calling, messaging telling me he was going to fix it, he made a mistake and he couldn’t imagine life without me. He asked me to book a flight and when I called him 3 days later to discuss he told me not to come, it wouldnt work and hung up on me . I didnt hear from him for 3 weeks then found out he had been seeing someone new. And then he reactivated his social media accounts and is posting about them as a couple.

We did some amazing things saw beautiful countries but I feel now, none of it was good enough, I wasnt good enough and I was a secret and an embarrassment to be with. I just keep questioning all the time, what was so wrong with me?

Your posts about how people dont magically change fills me with peace that although I miss him and I feel negative towards our time together and a bit resentful he is now the “proud” boyfriend I had always wanted him to be, that it was ultimately him leaving when he did was probably a blessing in the long run.

Xx

Reply

I ended things 1 year ago with someone who immediately jumped into another (they’re basically married, it’s the real deal). He did the text check in thing a few months later to get that ego hit then essentially ghosted me thereafter. I never initiated any contact until 2 months ago. I thought I saw him through the window at our OLD job in my hometown. so I texted him simply asking if he had been there. I happened to be driving past with a friend and he doesn’t even live here anymore so it caught me off guard and seemed reasonable to ask. I also was not over him so I thought might as well take this excuse to text him almost as a form of closure – him responding could give me the satisfaction/chance to not respond to him (petty, I know) and him not responding would confirm where we stand for good.
Low and behold he never responds then unfollows me on social media right after. Which brought upon a tidal wave of panic and insecurity. I am convinced he thought I was stalking him bc I had to drive around twice to make sure it was him and he saw my car. Was that one event the nail in the coffin and enough to make him lose any remaining respect for me?
Another part of me is glad I sent it bc it gave me some twisted form of closure in my renewed hate for him (also not healthy though). But it still drives me crazy and triggered me to stalk their profiles after months of avoiding, which did it’s own damage.
He hasn’t even unfollowed some of his other exes. It just kills me that I might have given him the final satisfaction and upper hand even though I ended it 1 year ago. It’s bad enough that he’s already found his soulmate in another girl but for me to be so hung up on a person whose ego I fed for so long and after finally regaining my own I feel like I fell HARD off my white horse to the point that he now thinks I’m pathetic.
In desperate need of any insight/reassurance so I don’t regret that text forever 🙂 Much love

Reply

Hi Bethany,

I’m in a similar predicament but I havent yet sent the text. My ex lives abroad but all his accounts are still open and registered under my address. I got some post for him 2 days before Christmas ( timing!) I want to reach out to ask him to change his address but I’m worried he will take it as an ego boost or an ex girlfriends desperate attempt to make contact again. Which like you, isn’t the case. It’s a simple text with a reasonable question / request.

Part of me wants to know if he would message back but he didnt make any attempt to contact me over christmas so I expect his reaction would be very similar to how your ex reacted to you. I dont know how I should deal with this either.

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This was s perfect for me. The holidays are very hard and yes, I miss him still every day.

Thank you so much for this post because all these thoughts go through my mind. I believe ever word of this post. It’s very true and the older we get, the harder it is to make changes. Going from a narcissist to someone who is capable of having a relationship is a very big stretch in hoping it would happen.

Thank you Irena. I really appreciate these words.

Merry Christmas to you.

Reply

Linda,

Thank you so much for your comment. I totally agree – it is so hard to make changes. I think that’s one of the beautiful things on the path to healing — to recognize how hard it is to break our patterns. To go toward the light. It’s a bit counter intuitive, but I think the moment we realize this is the moment that transformation CAN happen. Even if it may not be discernible to begin with. The magical thing about some people is that they can look at themselves and their patterns and breakthrough. I don’t believe that toxic people can have this level of self awareness, much less the grit and courage to make any kind of changes. Thank you so much for sharing. You are so not alone. And it sounds light you are very much on the path to the light, even though it may feel terribly sad sometimes.

Much love to you!

Sincerely,
Irena

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Question: Put “supply or ego” aside. Focus on real heart. Anyone had a relationship and broke up due to Future Fakers. Do they miss future fakers ex on special occasional? (Vice versa) Do future fakers miss their ex? Wish y’all Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Reply

Hi John,

Thank you for your comment. It’s likely that emotionally unavailable/narcissistic/toxic people do miss people who used to be in their lives, but in a much more self-centered, temporary, and inconsistent way. Totally agree with you, it’s best to – “focus on true heart” instead. ❤️

xx
Irena

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I’ve never read something more true and relatable. This is everything. Thank you so much. I dated a man that I was sure I was going to marry. He blindsighted me and left me. A year later, I start something with someone new and shortly find out he’s emotionally unavailable. Both of them were and both had big egos that I never saw. But reading this, it made everything so much clearer. I truly needed to hear this. Thank you. Happy holidays.

Reply

Hi Katie,

Thank you for your comment. I’m so happy to know that this was helpful to you. In some cases, when people recognize that there is a pattern in the people they are attracted to, it is random. Other times, it suggests that you are more likely to be attracted to emotionally unavailable/ego-driven people because of your past history/trauma/other experiences. In either case, I hope that you do not blame yourself. I hope that you continue moving forward, knowing that such people have their own traumas, are fighting their own demons, and have a pattern of set behavior that has absolutely nothing to do with you. I’m so sorry to know that the person you thought you would marry was not the man you thought he was. I think a lot of people can resonate with the grief that is associated with being blind sighted. I know that this can be so painful, but it is also another indication that your ex was never emotionally competent enough to communicate with you prior to saying good bye. Please know you are not alone. Please take care.

Much love to you!

xx
Irena

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Thank you for this. This blog And COURSE gave me the strength to go NC with a narcissist and later on with my family of origin. I guess I have been missing them or feeling stuff about or for them in regards to the holidays. I’m in the process of rebuilding my own chosen family and used all the points of this article towards this situation. I will always be the one that got away from my family And that might mean smaller holidays but higher quality connection in my life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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Jennifer,

It makes my heart feel so full to read your comment. Thank you so much for sharing. You truly help others feel less alone. What you are doing takes so much strength and courage. Please know that we are supporting you along the way. I think the beautiful thing is that some people have the ability to look at themselves and their circumstances and make the inconvenient and sometimes sad/disappointing and HARD decision to change. To be true to themselves, even though the transition period can be painful. Other people simply cannot and will not change — it is so beautiful that you realize this and have chosen to map out your own course in accordance with this. What you are doing is inspirational, and I wish you much peace as you go forward.

xx
Irena

PS – My favorite part about being an adult is that we are all able to choose our own family. ❤️ Thank you for being a part of this one. Much love to you.

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This…
“Don’t let present you become future you on the prayer that someone who was never able to consistently provide you with love and support will consistently miss you for long enough to change.”

To all of you still struggling right now with the ex of Christmas past, please read this sentence a few times and let it sink in. Don’t buy into he’s a better guy or girl now that they are no longer with you or living some fabulous life of happiness no matter what the hell they post on social media. It took me so long to come out of the fog of delusions and fears of my own insecurities regarding my past with the ex that my mind was constantly going crazy over the “what ifs” and the “why did this happen”. Bottom line, there is no point in trying to make sense out of nonsense from someone who was never really capable of being in a truly connected and emotionally stable relationship with someone who would have never hurt them the way they have hurt you. Understand that their actions or inactions in or out of the relationship will NEVER be about you, it’s about them and their own shit in their lives that they have not come to terms with and they will continue to drag down or hurt the very people they claim to love because deep down they need other people to validate them so they feel less like shit about themselves. Never truly taking a look at themselves in the mirror because they can’t stand their own reflection (as Natasha has said in previous posts). True change take TIME and a willingness to be honest with ourselves about who we are and who we have become. Finding our own inner happiness and peace is not an outside job! This has to come from within, no one can give us that and no one can take that away from us either unless we let them.

Hold onto the people in your life that uplift you and truly want the best for you and only have good intentions at heart. Be kind to yourself and keep your chin up… make a promise to yourself that you will always have your own back no matter what and never hand over the pen to someone else to write your own story! (another Natasha quote)

Wishing all in this tribe nothing but blessings and abundance going into this new year! You are never alone here.

much love and Merry Christmas!!

Thank you Irena for this post … and to my dear Natasha, my cup runneth over for you soul sister. I am beyond happy for you on your new engagement. 🙂 🙂

#whitehorsewarriors
xxxxxxxxx

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Thank you, Vicki. These are such wise words. Thank you so much for being here, being you, and sharing your experience. Much love to you!

xx
Irena

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I desperately needed every word of this blog but especially this comment from you, Vicki. From another Vicky! From reading your words I feel like I was reading a message from a wiser, future version of myself, speaking to present me. You verbalized what I suspected for years— his actions/inactions are never about me and instead are always centered around himself, his arguments, his feelings, his reasons. And yes I do need to hold on to and appreciate the people in my life who have proven to be reliable, trustworthy, and genuine people. No longer should I be bothered by incomplete manipulators looking for a quick fix, nor should I seek validation from someone who always seems to forget how awesome, spectacular, and generous I am. I wrote a reminder to myself after reading your words: “CHIN UP!”

Blessings to all of you, this next decade is going to be a good one!

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Vicky (nice name btw). lol. I am glad that whatever I wrote resonated with you even if it was just a little bit. I realize that everyone needs to heal in their own time and in their own way. In many ways I am still healing from my past and as painful as it was to walk away, it taught me soooo much more about myself and made me really go deep inside to do some self reflection. When we are truly honest with ourselves, that’s when the real healing begins. And despite how things may have turned out for you in your situation, don’t ever feel bad for giving your love to someone who didn’t appreciate it when they had you, that is on them! I can feel that you are an awesome person and generous… just as you stated. Keep reminding yourself of that my dear, especially on the days you are feeling down. Keep coming back here to the blog and reading all the posts. This blog SAVED me many times and has helped me in more ways than I could ever count. Please know you are never alone…. we are all here for you.
CHIN UP.
much love a big hugs to you.
xxxxxx

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Thank you for writing this. As I was reading, my mind was processing more and you kept writing- thank god! – so, I kept reading, and it helped so much. Even the small, or shorter relationships can hit us bad when WE put in the effort and get so love bombed and we believe, wow, maybe this time it’s real, and then out of no where weird shifts start happening, and we sense it. It’s been two weeks since I just chose to stop trying to communicate to someone who stopped reciprocating a while ago. I had been sad but I’ve kept no contact. It’s the only way. Nothing will change what he broke and I don’t have a lot of time to waste one anyone that doesn’t want to receive and offer me the same level of love.

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Hi Lisa,

Thank you for your comment. I totally agree with you – I don’t think it matters the length or the “label” that is associated with the relationship. So many worlds collide when we connect to someone, especially if that someone is emotionally unavailable or narcissistic. Our own past history, hopes, and triggers collide with the dysfunctional patterns of that person, and the result can feel much more heartbreaking than it is “supposed to.” Please know you are never alone! You already have so much self awareness and are showing some much courage. I’m sorry you are going through this, but I am happy to know that you have chosen to check out of the dysfunction of your ex and to focus on your own life. Thank you for sharing – you make others feel less alone. Happy New Year to you!

xx
Irena

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Thank you so much for writing this. I needed this right now with how tough the holidays have been. My boyfriend left me a month ago and slowly stopped contact and then completely ignored me. So now I’m no longer messaging him, I felt I was just feeding his ego. I feel so down and feel like he’s not even thinking of me. I’m trying just to concentrate on myself but recently moved to a new place and I’m trying to get used to that too. I can’t wait to feel better from this and feel better about myself. Thank you for your words I will keep re-reading to give me some more strength xx

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Hi Kat,

Thank you for writing. I hope that your new place gives you a feeling of having a fresh start. I am so happy to hear that you are no longer involving yourself in his dysfunction. I know that it can feel very painful and lonely to continue no contact. It can feel like you will never feel better — I totally get that. Please know that you are not alone. What you are doing is very courageous. It can feel like a long, hard road, but please keep going. Many, many people have regretted far too much of their lives waiting for someone who does not have a capacity for empathy and intimacy to change. If your ex fits the characteristics of the kind of person described in this blog post, please know that he is thinking of you. You are neither abandoned nor forgettable. You have simply come into contact with someone who is ego-driven and not emotionally capable of maintaining a consistent, supportive relationship. This will never change, but if you continue to stay away, you will learn so many things about yourself, you will change, and you will feel better.

Much love to you!

xx
Irena

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Thank you so much Irena it is so painful at the moment and I have never felt so lonely in my life. Its constant and feels like it will never end but I am trying. Thank you for giving me more strength on new years day I feel that I need it more than ever. I hope I can build myself from this I really want to. I have to keep going and your words have helped. Thank you so much for the post I have screenshotted your response to look back on to stop me from reaching out to him which is the hardest thing ever but I hope everyone on here finds the strength within too, I feel more strength hearing of people’s experiences and knowing we are in this together xx

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Every time there is a guest post (and I’m clueless to it), I think we’ll this SOUNDS like Natasha, but kindof different lol. It’s just funny bc I know your voice and writing style so well, and somehow you “pull one over on me” (not like you literally do this, just my reaction to it) every time. I love it ~ it feels fun and refreshing. I love that you allow these beautiful writers to post, Natasha! That’s very open and generous of you, and endears me to you even more.

Hi Irena! Well done…. you hit on sooo many great points I don’t know where to start. I’m just going to say YOU ARE RIGHT. You explained it all so well down to the minute detail and in such a compassionate story-telling kind of way that leaves the reader at the end feeling good about moving on. I like reading something that makes me come to my own conclusions – know what I mean? When you’ve been abused and used the last thing you need is for someone to tell you what to think, do, believe like some kind of check list while ignoring the real pain. You must be allowed some space to question, listen, learn, and take some time to process. You have allowed all of this and more. And you’ve explained it all so well.

I experienced this longing and desperation to know if my ex-lover oh wait abuser (now I know he was a psychopath Bc of psychopath free website) MISSED ME. He ghosted me because he had a new relationship. I never contacted him #whitehorse, thank you Natasha! Truly only Bc of you and your writings. And a year later he “accidentally” (I think) invited me to chat on Facebook. That made me feel good for a minute that he was thinking ab me. I didn’t respond and I’ve been free of him ever since. I thought well if you wanted to actually reach out and communicate you would have said you’re sorry and explained. I know it’s hard to NOT TAKE THE BAIT. But Irena, you’re right! It’s the SAME as the relationship…. it will never be any different. All they are looking for is an ego boost. They are empty shells of human beings and I won’t waste my life wondering if a shell misses me! Being alone is better than being inconsistently loved by a shell of a human being. Being toyed with, jerked back and forth, left wanting all the time. For all of you out there wondering if you can ever get over this feeling of wanting to be “missed”, just know you’re not going to ever find what you’re looking for with these types. NEVER. And even if they do miss you (and they will Bc you are beautiful beacons of light and everything good in the world), they do not deserve you. And there are people out there who will make you feel alive loved and whole, and I’ve experienced more healing and strength by pouring into my female friendships (online and in real life) than I’ve ever felt possible. If you really just can’t get over it, find a female friend and see if that helps. Women have such intuition and strength! We are stronger together! 💛

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Thank you Irena. Every time I read and reread these posts I think I’ll be able to take a step forward, but the holidays have been the worst and I’m back at square one even 6 months past a 3-month relationship. My story is very complicated, I wish I could talk about it. But I don’t feel I have the strength to go on. It’s like I’m terminally heartbroken, that I’ll never find love (or whatever that was) like that again. All the what if’s recycle in my head, and even though he’s probably better off gone, I wonder all the time and I need it to stop.

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Hi Isla, I saw your comment and I had to reply cos I felt your pain. I’m in the same place, I put my comment above. I can literally feel your words, I know that feeling and I know it never feels like it will go away. But listening to you I can hear how much of a lovely person you are and as Natasha says we all need to be there for one another. I want you to know you’re not alone and please don’t ever feel you are. I’ve started listening to podcasts at the moment as I can’t listen to music. I’m in the UK, but if you can please find podcasts by a lady named Elizabeth Day, it has massively helped me on my extremely low days and maybe it would help you too. Just know I know that pain you’re feeling, I feel it now too and I’m sure everyone on here will agree. But we can all get through this together xx

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Thank you so much, Kat. I do think we can both feel each other’s pain, it’s really unlike any other. Every moment is a struggle. I feel bad for anyone who has to endure this. Thank you for telling me about the podcasts, I’ve also been trying to find sources of support like that. I’m trying to let the new year be a catalyst to shift my mind away to a better future. But just the other day I started crying in the middle of a birthday party among friends and strangers. It really hits hard when it does. The jerk had blocked me a few months ago, then I found out he unblocked me sometime last month. Why?! But I will not look at his or his new girl’s social media. We have to move forward

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Yes Isla you’re spot on, we can feel each other’s pain. I completely agree, every moment is tough and for one split second I might think I have it and I’m smack back to where I started. The fact that you’re thinking of others pain while you’re going through it shows what a strong and kind person you are, never lose that. Yeah I’ve had break downs at work and I know that feeling when it hits. Yes stop yourself looking at social media, I know how hard that is though, I battle with that everyday. Just know you’re never alone and we can and will get through this as stronger women who will always be put first

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My ex and I were together for 3.5 years long distance. The first few months after the breakup was the hardest. Wasn’t able to sleep or eat. I decided to go indefinite no contact and after 6 months he reached out to me first around Christmas. All those feelings after the breakup came back. I started analyzing why he texted me and also about his rebound. I still love him and miss him everyday but I am not sad anymore. I texted him back and asked him why he reached out to me after all this time and what made him even think of me. I said I thought you were seeing someone. He didn’t answer my question. He just wish me a happy new year. That’s the last text I got from him. I am so confused now . His birthday is coming up and I was debating of reaching out to him. After discovering this blog recently I decided to stay on my white horse.

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Hi KT!

I’m so happy that the posts have helped 🙂 Keep staying on your white horse. From everything you shared, I wouldn’t reach out.

Thank you for taking the time to share and for being a part of this tribe. You are never alone. xox

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Natasha,.
Thank you so much for making me feel that I am not alone and giving me the strength to stay on my white horse. It’s been hard. You seem very genuine and you understand what we’re going through.

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My ex broke up with me and told me a week later he was seeing the girl he swore he had no attraction to whom he had been helping around in her new home (he’s an engineer). We broke up because I questioned why he had complimented one of her selfies on FB and loved all her photos. His reply was, “im just friendly and like to make people feel good, we are just friends, I don’t like her that way”. Week later they are dating. He swore I was the love of his life and he could never date anyone else even if we weren’t together. I believed all his lies and now I’m devastated and feeling like I meant nothing at all. I have to see them at work and it kills me. It’s been two weeks and I really don’t know how to get past this. Your blog has helped me so much even though there is still a void in my heart and so much confusion.

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Lex,

I am so sorry that you are on the receiving end of such bullsh*t, deception, and toxicity. I have been there (both in your position and I’ve been terrible and done similar, although not this bad, to others). I wish that I had the time to write more here in the comments but you are not alone. I’m so happy that the posts have helped <3 Keep coming back here to the blog and just know that if I can get through it, so.can.YOU. You got this. He will never change. xox

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