“Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did? Does he ever think of me?”
Those questions have taken up more of my time and brain power than I ever think I’ll be comfortable enough to admit. If I would have taken a fraction of the time that I’ve spent pondering those questions to learn a new language, I could have written this post in 9 different languages by now. There would be a Post Male Syndrome in Chinese and one in Spanish and Farsi and Italian. You think I’m kidding, but I know you know I’m serious or you wouldn’t be reading this right now.
You’ve gone through a horrible, traumatic breakup with an emotionally unavailable guy that broke your heart and whether you’ve done enough things to cause drama/embarrassment or it just hurts too much to be “friends” with your ex or you’ve both agreed to go your own separate ways or whatever the case may be – you’ve stopped communicating and are in no contact. The WORST, right?
You don’t want to hear from him, but then again, you do. You so do. It’s like a drug and you’re going through the most excruciating withdrawals. Every day that you don’t hear from him feels like an eternity and with every minute that passes, it’s another dig deeper into the self blame, obsessing and FBI-style stalking. Your self esteem diminishes and you start to question your worth because if you good enough, he would have reached out by now. He would have done something… ANYTHING.
All you hear is crickets.
You never thought he could just cut you off so easily and you see him living his happy life on Instagram in the Valencia filter with some random chick that looks like everything you aren’t and whose profile is private. You’re in pain and doing the best you can to get through every hour without losing it. You’re not that big of a Justin Bieber fan but all of a sudden, your life has become the living version of “Where Are U Now?”
Every time you hear a text message alert or you hear your phone ring, your heart races and you think just for a millisecond… “Maybe it’s him?” All to be abruptly let down because the “restricted caller,” was actually your bank calling you to alert you that your checking account is overdrawn.
Following my relationship with Mr. FT, even when I was pretty much over the pain and had accepted the fact that I’d never talk to him again, I have to admit, I still always wondered:
“Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did? Does he think about me?”
“Does he miss me? What do you think? How can he be with her while I’m miserable over here missing and cyberstalking him non stop? Does he regret what he did and all of the bs he put me through?” – I’d ask anyone that was willing to listen and that I thought was
dumb enough inclined to tell me exactly what I wanted to hear because my heart couldn’t handle hearing what my gut already knew.
Fast forward to a lot of tears, heartbreaks and enough f*cktards to sink the Titanic later, I now have a much better understanding of it all.
So you want to know: “Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did? How can he be thinking about me and not reach out? Is he even thinking of me? WTF?!”
First we need to translate what “Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did?” means:
“Does the emotionally unavailable, narcissistic f*cktard that was consistently unable to respect me and be faithful to me in our relationship, finally see that he was wrong in his lies and the way he treated me?”
“Does he miss me enough to want to change his ways?”:
You’re doing nothing more than looking for validation. This is the reason that you Insta-stalk, Facebook-stalk and obsess because you’re looking for any kind of validation or reason to: A) Continue to be tied to the relationsh*t that was; remain invested in the hope that he’s the guy that he was for a hot second in the beginning instead of the f*cktard that he not only revealed himself to be but that he’s consistent at being. B) Find something in his profile that really hurts you and makes you to want to stop thinking about him (i.e. he has a new flame), but since your programs are set on “validation seeking mode,” instead of taking that information to motivate you to move on, you use it as an anchor to sink further into depression, hating on yourself and justifying that this is why you always end up f*cked over and alone.
Missing someone that you were close to and intimate with is totally normal, it means that you’re human and that you have blood pumping through your veins.
Obsessing to the level that you are about whether the trash will ever be good for you to have back and wondering if it’s attracting more trash and having a fun time at the dump that it’s been tossed off at is a BIG.RED.FLAG that you need to work on loving yourself.
Get a pen and paper, sit down and ask yourself why it is that you miss him. More often than not, that ‘amazing ex’ that I thought was ‘the one’ and that I was sooo missing wasn’t what I was really missing at all.
I was missing the the passion, being the one he chose, being a project coordinating mommy, the highs and lows, the makeups, the security of having a boyfriend, the dream, the “he’s the one! I’ve found my happily ever after,” the “he’s changing for me,” etc.
Most everything that I missed was my projections.
I was convinced that the amazing, loyal, respectful, emotionally available “prince” that he was in the beginning was going to come back out at any moment.
People don’t change, they show you who they are over time.
So getting back to the questions: “Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did?”
Yes, he thinks of you. ESPECIALLY if you cut him off. Yes, he does miss you and yes he does regret what he did. And I’m not just saying that and I’m not fooling you, I swear.
+ here’s the thing – with emotionally unavailable guys, they’ll THINK OF YOU when you cut them off, they’ll “MISS YOU,” in the sense that they miss what you provided (since they are all about themselves and unable to empathize or connect emotionally and it’s all about what they can get out of and gain from people, relationships and situations). They will REGRET that they don’t have you around as an option any longer. They will never regret the way you and I would hope for because true regret from a connected man will always include remorse. And that would require something called maturity, emotional availability and being able to objectively examine their actions for what they are (so that evolution and actual growth can take place).
Their disconnection will never allow that. This is the extent to which they can “miss” and “regret” and frankly, you, your future, your destiny, and your precious and short time on this planet deserve so.much.more than a passive and disconnected “missing.”
Here are just SOME of the reasons that he will, at some point “miss you:”
- He misses the you that listened to all of his problems, made everything about him, helped him and supported him in every way no matter how poorly he treated you or how non-mutual the relationsh*t was.
- He misses the you that was his biggest fan.
- He misses the easy, minimal effort ability to attain your forgiveness.
- He misses the you that believed he was God’s gift to mankind.
- He misses the you that faked orgasms.
- He misses the you that no matter how poorly he treated you or how many mind games he played or how often he went MIA, he could call up half drunk in the middle of the night and get laid.
- He misses the you that always tried to understand him, please him and excuse his poor behavior and lack of respect for you and your relationship.
- He misses the you that blamed yourself for his hurtful behavior.
Accepting any of those bullet points above as the kind of “missing” you deserve is like saying you want to get a tattoo just so you can experience what it feels like. The effects to both your ego, your self esteem and your skin will be permanent.
Yeah, I get that you’ve lost your mojo and your ego is shot because you’re feeling rejected, but if you keep seeking validation from someone that isn’t even able to give any to himself, you’re going to end up always looking to other people and possessions to dictate your worth. This also sets you up for not trusting yourself. You’ll then need others to validate your observations and decisions because you’ll be in a state of fear-based paralysis (inaction/stagnation) in your life and wonder why nothing ever works out for you.
If he REALLY misses you in the kind of way that you deserve to be missed, you will know and not have any doubt about it. If he’s going to miss you, he’ll ACT like it. He won’t send a text, email or passively “like” one of your photos so you can spend the next week analyzing the why’s. He will ACT upon it. It won’t matter if you’ve cut him off or if you’ve blocked him on everything. If he misses you the way that you need and deserve to be missed, he will find a way to get in touch.
Don’t get discouraged because it’s not happening. Imagine if you and I went to a pet store and I asked to hold a baby kitten. Then, when we sat down in the play area and held the cat, I started making a huge scene – yelling, screaming and being heartbroken and offended because I thought that the cat would bark and it keeps meowing.
Your ex is a cat and guess what? Cat’s meow. Expecting him to miss you in the way that you deserve and to come back to the table a f*cktard no more is as ludicrous as expecting the cat to bark and thinking that it just doesn’t know any better because “it’s a kitten.” It’s.never.going.to.bark. Stop wasting your time.
Just like an “I’m sorry,” an “I miss you,” coming from an emotionally unavailable ex AT BEST, can be translated to one of the bullet points above, It will never mean “I’ve changed.” That takes accountability, connectedness, empathy and action.
Getting over this and moving on is going to take you instilling something called boundaries and ceasing to tie your worth to the cat not barking.
“Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did?”
Yes….but no…but yes…but no…but who cares?!
Replace your sadness with anger and eventually that anger will be replaced with indifference. Remember: hate is not the opposite of love. When there’s hate, feelings are still embedded. Indifference is the opposite of love and indifference is the ultimate liberation.
Yes, I know that you can’t just shut your feelings off for someone like a light switch, but you can start to care about and love yourself now. You can.
I remember during one of the worst, most painful breakups, my ex finally reached out to me after a few months. He sent a few angry, childish texts then after a few weeks of silence on my end, he said everything that I ever wanted to hear and more… In another text.
It was hard but I didn’t respond, ever.
And he never called to see if I was alive, nothing. That was my turning point, my “AHA!” moment where I realized that it wasn’t me he was after- he was after a RESPONSE from me because he felt out of control after I had cut him off.
It had more to do with his own ego and image than it ever had to do with any genuine love for or missing of me.
This is why I always say- If you want an emotionally unavailable guy to have one clue of what he put you through – cut.him.off. It’ll get him in the only place it will ever hurt (since he lacks empathy): his ego.
You are worth so much more than someone that just “misses” you from afar while sh*tting their emotional shorts.
Be with someone that’s committed and that will love you NOW. Not when he gets out of debt, not when he breaks it off with his gf, now. Be with someone that’s willing to, if need be, address their issues right away because the thought of not being with you and having to miss you for reals is not something that he ever, ever wants to feel or deal with. That’s what you deserve.
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