In the past, I was very unsure of myself and because of this, was always wondering “does he like me?” in every relationship I was in. I was this way in friendships, school, and in business relationships too. Where I stood with everyone in my life was always changing because I was always changing to accommodate and please them at the expense of a life that was officially no longer mine.
I had no idea who I was or what I was capable of. My worth was measured exclusively by validation from outside sources and I had zero power in my relationships and life. Desperation soon took over. I became hyper-paranoid/insecure/jealous, painfully aware about all of the wrong things, painfully unaware and blind to all of the red flags, and self-obsessed in the sense that everything was always my fault.
Why can’t this be easier? Why do I have to even have to ask “does he like me?”
Isn’t it supposed to be easier?
Yes, it is.
I used to make a lot of excuses for:
- Selfish behavior from toxic, sh*tty people.
- The anxiety (essentially an allergic reaction) that I felt in their presence.
- Their mixed signals, cheating, disloyalty, and lies that I would always blame myself for “making them” do.
Throughout the years of writing here on PMS, coaching thousands of clients around the world, and reading all of your comments and emails, I’ve noticed that this is a common theme.
We excuse because it hurts more to fold with the dignity that we don’t know how to resurrect than it does seeing if we can be “good enough” to get the cat to bark. We take online quizzes and become obsessed with trying to figure out their level of interest and how much they like us. The more doom of black and white we sense, the more we try to convince ourselves that it’s just another shade of grey.
And after we’ve wasted even more time, we still continue to wonder “does he like me?”
Allowing ambiguity to be your clarity and allowing ever-changing “degrees” to which your partner can be serious about you to be your compass, is essentially spitting in the face of a universe that is giving you all the signs you need to protect yourself and move accordingly.
It’s just as unintelligent as pulling “does he like me?” petals off a daisy and going with whatever you land on.
We try to complicate something that is very simple. In relationships of any kind, you are either being respected or you’re not. Your partner is either serious about you and your relationship or he/she is not. There are no special levels of interest that are subject to fluctuation. The train is either moving or it’s not and you’re either in it or out.
With that being said, our emotions, triggers, and hearts aren’t that simple. I still get confused and find myself getting caught up in wondering/obsessing over what’s going on. Although it’s not in romantic relationships and friendships anymore, I found myself doing this with a new business relationship last month.
If you’re wondering “does he like me?” here are 30 signs that he’s serious about you & your relationship…
1. You are prioritized and treated like the one and only person he has a romantic interest in – not a placeholding option in a pathetic rotation of thirst.
2. You never feel anxious or scared to express how you feel. Nor do you feel at risk of him recoiling, freaking out, ghosting you, judging you, or dumping you for respectfully communicating your feelings.
3. He doesn’t create drama or incite jealousy and then shine an “aha!” spotlight on how “crazy” you’re being.
5. He doesn’t use your triggers and reactivity against you – he reassures you through words that match actions, that match patterns.
6. He doesn’t get off to triangulation. You don’t feel like you have to compete for his love and attention with his family members, friends, coworkers, and any exes from the past.
7. There is no selectivity in his love, support, and empathy.
8. He is consistently consistent.
9. He doesn’t future fake with you. He future builds by backing up what he says with action.
10. He asks more about you than he goes on about himself.
11. He lets you know that he is off of all dating apps and would like it if you did the same.
12. He is more interested in being “a man” to you than “THE man” to his friends.
13. He’s the same guy with his family, as he is with his friends, as he is with YOU. There’s one personality, not 5.
14. He texts/calls you right when he can – there is no waiting, elementary game playing or carrot dangling.
15. Your boundaries don’t freak him out – they turn him on.
16. He doesn’t keep you a secret, flirt with other women, or seek attention from everyone and their sister.
17. Your relationship keeps progressing. It doesn’t start, stop, stall, or go into reverse.
18. He doesn’t treat you giving him a chance as though he will have multiple ones.
19. He handles any exes that may still be in the picture respectfully – by explaining that he’s with you and acting in accordance with that.
20. He makes plans with you in advance and is genuinely interested in your interests. You feel safe, valued, prioritized, and like anything but a last minute decision.
21. He isn’t possessive and doesn’t make it all about him, nor does he ruin your time when you go out without him.
22. It doesn’t take you threatening to leave for him to admit he made a mistake.
23. He doesn’t blame the past or make excuses for his behavior (or anyone else’s).
24. He wants to be exclusive and is clear about what that means to him. There is no resisting you, your relationship, commitment, honesty, etc.
25. He’s never “too busy” to be in the relationship and he doesn’t get defensive when you have a concern.
27. There is no ambiguity. He’s not afraid to commit to you, to your relationship, to making plans, and to following through.
28. He doesn’t kick you when you’re down or make you feel insecure/dirty after you open up to him.
29. He’d rather tell you the painful truth than pacify you with a lie so that he can keep getting his needs met.
30. He doesn’t use your past, your trauma, or anything that you’ve told him against you. He uses it to better undertsand and connect with you.
You will know that he genuinely likes and is interested in you because he will consistently show you how much he cares.
Some people really do want to meet you at the level of maturity and readiness that you’re at. But because they are a little leaguer who loved the idea of the majors and in reality, just can’t hang…
They’re initial enchantment and interest will turn into anger. And they will self-sabotage your relationship – not because of anything that you did (you believed in them), but because who you are highlights everything that they simply aren’t. They will end up resenting you for the very reasons that they fell for you.
And none of it will have anything to do with you.
YOU have everything to do with you and you deserve all the above + more.