For part 2 of my 3-part series on narcissism, I want to explore a question that I’ve gotten asked a lot since posting part 1. It’s a question that I’ve often wondered myself up until my last relationship, which was a PhD-level, mortal combat masterclass in emotional unavailability, f*cktard-ery and narcissism.  EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE

So, you’re dating a guy that you’re inexplicably drawn to and in love with in so many ways; you just can’t get enough. You start to notice though that as much as you love to be with him, you’re feeling more hurt, disrespected and unhappy than you are actually happy and secure in your relationship.

You feel like the relationship is no longer mutual and you start to question if it ever was mutual, but part of you every ounce of your being, would sooo much rather not have to think of this crap reality, and just continue to be an inhabitant in his “me-me-me” world, than be alone, again.

You’re pretty sure he’s emotionally unavailable, but he also kinda falls under a lot of the traits of a narcissist. F*cktard? Established. But which one is he? Emotionally Unavailable? Narcissist? Is it possible that he can be both??

Where does emotional unavailability end and narcissism begin?

Does emotionally unavailable = narcissist?

Help plz, thx.

Okay so we’ve already defined what a narcissist is. Got it.

In my grossly non-professional (I have a degree in English and have never taken one psych class in my life, so ya, TOTAL non-professional here), super duper “street cred,” opinion, I think that a lot of the traits associated with both a narcissist and an emotionally unavailable guy do indeed overlap, BUT… I do think there is a distinction.

YES. A lot of emotionally unavailable men are narcissists, but not all. The 2 don’t go so ‘peanut butter-and-jelly,’ as they would seem to.

Emotionally unavailable guys operate, date and live their lives so that they can do exactly as they please, while still maintaining an emotional distance that will not only drive you crazy, it will make you question your worth. They also have zero empathy; they’re unable to put themselves in other people’s shoes and they love being the victim.

Emotionally unavailable guys definitely possess narcissistic qualities, but not all. 

Can you be both? Yes, but you can also be one and not the other. Stay with me, this is like the calculous portion of PMS. 

 

Unlike a full-blown narcissist, emotionally unavailable guys aren’t really making it known how important they are every second, but just like narcissism, both are entirely ego driven.

Emotionally unavailable dudes rely strictly on triangulating women and using them as ego strokes. When they have to be accountable or responsible in the relationsh*t, they disappear, go cold for no reason or make such a change that you’ll be scouring Google like I was, trying to make sense out of his actions.

Bottom line: Emotionally unavailable guys ALWAYS make sure to have to have a few women around (whether they be friends or lovers or both), that they can use as options and attain validation from; that’s the most important thing to them.

The narcissist ALWAYS makes it known that you’re just lucky to be blessed with their presence.

Narcissists, in my opinion, are in their own species of delusion. “Reality,” is not in their vocab. Both emotionally unavailables and narcissists are, at the core, just as validation hungry and insecure as the people that they attract.

The moment that you recognize this is the moment that the dark cloud hanging over your head will disappear and the spell is broken. You will literally disempower your own bad luck.

This leads me into my the final post that I’ll have up on this issue, where I’ll talk about my own narcissism. Yikes.

I’m off to my hometown, San Diego, to be with my family and friends for Christmas!

Winners for the giveaway will be announced tonight. The Brow Gal & I are going to draw the winners from a bowl before I head out. We also decided to add on some extras for the runners-up because it’s the best time of year and you deserve it.

Ciao for now, N

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25 comments

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My life the past 4 years. Your super duper “street cred” perspective is spot on.

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xoxo

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I’m still new to the whole narcissistic male thing and I still have to wonder what if it just means you weren’t the right person for them? It may be naive but I always try to think the best of people even my dumb ex. He’s falling for someone who seems better suited to him and his lifestyle… Which is the ministry he’s in. I can accept that with a bruised heart because i do want him to be happy. But I get really upset because I had tried to love him the best I could and thought we had something special then ms pretty cake face “i love Jesus” shows up and he’s head over heels. Thing is I felt like our relationship never stood a chance because he got back into meth and everything was this shit storm. Talk some sense into me please

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Hi! There’s so much going on here and I don’t know the whole story, but I would say that his actions have proven that he is not capable of a mutual relationship and that he’s not right for you. I know it hurts, but you deserve better than what you’ve described this relationship to be. xo

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This is post is everything. I was wondering what the difference was! XO

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I have to comment on this post, it is by far the most accurate depiction (at least from my trash-hole experiences) of what narcissism and emotional unavailability looks like. I have re-read this 3 part series a few times, thinking OMG, this is trash-hole (insert name#1), this is trash-hole (insert name #2 and 3) to a freakin T!!! Thank you sooooooo much for these much needed posts. They are truly a blessing and aiding in my healing. Hugs.

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Your comment made me lol! Thank YOU La Toya! 😉 I’m honored to have a small part your healing xoxoxoxo

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This article has given me life. I pulled my head out of the clouds. My emotionally unavailable guy is obviously not going to be more than a fling..hopefully I’ll get a few more flings outta him then move on knowing he’s the idiot for not appreciating the good deal he has with me.

Thank you. Empowerment level going up!

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Thanks May! I’m so glad that the article served you 🙂 xoxo

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Hi Natasha….
Just started reading your site this week. Love it! It’s been so helpful and wish I knew all this information years ago! I was married to an abusive, NARCISSISTIC husband for 20 years. He abused me in every way possible. I was young, insecure and very naive. I stayed because I had two beautiful kids and didn’t fully understand his personality disorder. He never ever was wrong. He tried to make me believe I was crazy. It became malignant and frightening. I left and am now separated after discovering his lies, cheating and deceit.
I got the strength to move on and date online for the first time Jan 1st of this year. The very first man I choose was funny, kind and outgoing for the first week and I fell quickly for the attention. Then he dropped off radar, only wanting to see me once a week. He knew I was interested and missed him. He made it clear he wasn’t interested in a relationship early on but I didn’t quite “get” that? I was so lonely after my marriage and wanted any crumbs he could give me. I treated him wonderfully but he seldom took me out on dates. I didn’t understand why he still texted sexy talk but wouldn’t want to see me? After 2 months of feeling used I told him no more and ended it this past weekend but felt VERY sad and depressed for falling for this type of person AGAIN….UNEMOTIONAL. I really liked him…
Which brings me to your comparison of the two since I now have been with 2 kinds of infantile behavior….
NARCISSISTS will come off swarmy, charming and full force when you first meet them and won’t leave you.alone. They trap you until they marry you and then the abuse starts….any kind of abuse. They don’t let on they are insecure at all and will boast and lie about achievements. Big spenders and nice gifts. They usually have either a love/hate relationship with MOMMY and are Mommas boys to the extreme. This is very common. They show their anger/arrogance early on so take note ladies please!!
UNEMOTIONAL AVAILABLE man I dated wasn’t so conceited. He told me he was shy, introverted and a loner. He didn’t have the superiority complex, bragging like the Narcissist.
He seemed a lot more insecure, boy like and I immediately wanted to fix him! He let down his defenses enough so he saw my empathy and compassionate side pour out. I fell for him and he knew it. That’s when he became vulnerable and stopped seeing me as much. He was scared of intimacy and pulled away.
Both are 8 year old boys with parent issues. The UEA seems to show empathy, not as conniving like the Narcissist but could still be selfish and immature. The Narc is a lot more damaged emotionally and will not go for help and is pretty much void of empathy. He was also manipulative which the UEA was not in my case. There are different levels of narcissism. My husband was the worst…malignant. But some narcissists are just at the show off /selfie loving level. Annoying but not harmful.
I hope this helps anyone out there with questions. Please value yourself. You are worthy of love, attention and empathy!! Now if I could only follow my own advice!!! Take care.

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Hi Kristin!

Thanks for reading and thank you for sharing your story and providing the insight <3 You will get through this. I believe in you. You are a beautiful soul xoxo

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O.M.G.

Wow.

The heavens have opened up and rained down enlightenment on me through this article.

I am going to call this “The Day of Revelation” due to what I just read.

Life will surely now be different….. I have you to thank for it.

Thank you for opening my eyes! I am now more empowered than ever to believe in myself and leave that ass-clown who doesn’t deserve me in the dust!!!!

Muah! 😍

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YAY! Thanks Karen 🙂 So glad it helped!! XOXO

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Holy crap. Seriously. You could not have said it better. I liked this one emotionally unavailable guy… a lot. I was very insecure at the time I fell for him and it’s only just recently, after getting over the inevitable ‘heartbreak’ due to his immaturity and eventual disappearance, that I realize the reason I liked him so much was because 1) I was emotionally unavailable myself and 2) I have grown to be very insecure due to being raised by a narcissist dad. At the time I was trying to work things out with him, I thought he must’ve lost interest because I’m unworthy of love or I’m just an unattractive person. Now that the fog has lifted, I can see it so clearly. All the signs you’ve described here fit him perfectly. And the distinction you make between emotionally unavailable people and narcissists are spot on. My dad’s always talking about how great he is at everything (no, seriously), he has NEVER in his life apologized for any wrongdoings, he’s quick to anger, and is very verbally abusive. The guy I liked was avoidant, couldn’t bear talking about feelings (although he did apologize for his behavior in the end), cold/distant yet at the same time wanting a relationship, but ultimately knowing that he couldn’t give more. Basically he was very limited in how vulnerable he could get. He would throw childlike tantrums when he perceived anything I did/say as rejection towards him and would try to sweep feelings under the rug with blatant lies. Very selfish. I did consider narcissism and actually decided to go with “he’s just not that into me” but neither conclusion made as much sense as emotionally unavailable with the rollercoaster that it was.

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Happy it helped! Thx Katie! 🙂 xo

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I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and it’s super rad. I’m fairly confident my ex is a narcissist but I find myself continually asking the same question – is he a narcissist or is he just an asshole, how do you really know the difference (and why the youknowwhat do I even care?)? I would love to see a post with your thoughts on this in the future. Until then, keep doing what your doing. You’re helping more people than you probably even realize. Thank you!

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Thanks Maddison! I’ll try to write about that soon 🙂 All my love to you soul sis. xx

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Natasha! Could not have found your blog at a better time!
Quick question if you have the time. I have cut off an emotionally unavailable ex for good. I was unconsciously following the steps laid out on boundaries. But one question remains as far as social media, mainly Insta, I blocked him and unblocked him so we wouldn’t follow each other. His is set to private and mine is public. I didn’t want to block just unfollow so I couldn’t see his posts. Then a couple weeks later after he followed me again. I told him kindly to pls stop following me that we weren’t pals and to respect my boundaries. His reply was, “as you wish”. And unfollowed. A month goes by and he likes and unlikes a photo. I am guessing by accident. Should I block him, go private or leave it as is??? I didn’t want to block bc I don’t want to get into that sort of game, show that I care that much to block but at the same time would it be better to block so he doesn’t get to see me at all?? Would love you thoughts on this!

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Hi Lillth!

I wish that I could help, but I have too much to say to type it all out and not enough hands to type or hours in the day. This is why I cannot give specific advice in the comments. I’ll try to write a post soon that further explains this. Remember – you’re way too busy to notice small stuff like that 🙂

Thanks for the love, for reading and for your understanding.

You’re not alone XOXO

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Natasha! you truly are the best! Thank you and I look forward to and will keep my eyes peeled for it. Since posting this comment I’ve read more of your posts and wow…keep it up Goddess!

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Thx you Lillth! Will do 🙂 xx

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I am with an emotionally unavailable guy. He is not a bad soul , but very skeptical of giving himself away. In the beginning, he just jumped into the relationship with the disclaimer that we would have to part one day (family issues – which is a whole different story), but the moment I fell for him, he started saving himself up. He was always popular with women but i don’t know if he ever had a relationship like the one he had with me. I always had a hunch he was flirting with others as well, but there was no way I could prove that.
He always needed validation, validation that he is good, validation that I don’t have any hard feeling for him, so even when I tried to break away from him, he kept coming back and kept asking me to not be sad. We’d have fights and mock break ups and if happened to look sad and drained out, he’d be upset and angry. He’d tell me to cheer up because according to him this wasn’t the end of the world. He called my reactions extreme.
Throughout our courtship, i was always available for him, but not the other way round, he was available when he wanted to or could be. So even when we were in a relationship, i couldn’t call him at 3 and talk, because he’d be sleeping. I couldn’t message him in office (he is my colleague as well) because he was focusing on work. Every time he spoke to me or met me or spent a day with me, he’d say he’d never give anyone as much time as he was giving me. it used to drive me crazy because we do the same kind of jobs, we are equally busy and yet i never felt like i was spending time ON him, because i wanted to spend time WITH him. THe saddest thing is I am the worst kind of match for him, because due to my past, I am already emotionally deprived and to some extent selectively emotionally unavailable. Its just that I opened all my floodgates to him and he was never truly there. Right now I am going through a break up and needless to say its hurting like shit, even though I know his personality traits. He still looks for validation, still asks me to downplay my sadness, still asks me to spend time with friends and smile. I just wish i could do something to change this, something to make him realize what he is doing. I’d be honest, I am hopelessly hoping for a miracle.

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You are loved and understood. I wish that I had the time to elaborate in the comments <3 Keep coming back here to the blog. You're not alone. XO

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You’ve just described my “relationship” of the past 2.5 years. I am in week 2 of no contact the f*cktard kept emailing me after I asked him to block me, so I politely told him to stop contacting me and to have a wonderful life. I wish I would have had the follow through to slam that door in his face myself, but I kept hoping I could squeeze an ounce of emotion/love out of him. Your blogs have been helping me so much. My heart has finally let go of him (slow painful never ending breakup kinda numbs a girl), and it didn’t even really hurt when I saw a new (way to young for him) girl pop up on his instagram (my insta stalking has gone way down!). At this point, I am done with him, but I am still working on the deep offense I feel about his actions towards me. Had no problem stringing me along and using me. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom! They are really helping me through the anger and regret. I appreciate you!

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Hi Brienna! You go girl. Thank you so much for the love and support 🙂 I’m happy to help!

You are valued, loved, appreciated, understood, backed, believed in and never, EVER alone. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. Sending you big love. xx

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