Dealing with a breakup sucks.

Breakups are unbearably painful, scary, lonely, stagnation-inducing and addiction igniting. 

Insecurity paralyzes us from being able to put one emotional foot in front of the other. So, we STALK, over think, relay the story to anything with a set of ears and obsess over every.little.detail of what was, 24/7.

And of course, we’re only interested in engaging in anything that will ultimately cater to and validate the belief system that got us into the relationsh*t in the first place: “I am not enough.” 

Why?

As long as we have “proof” that we are indeed “not enough,” it’s a total license renewal to remain invested in the relationsh*t that was.

If you come from a place of emotional lack for yourself, you will ALWAYS attract partners and relationsh*ts that deal-breakingly, LACK.

& then… if you’re like I used to be, you’ll tie YOUR VALUE to THEIR LACK of character, connectivity, empathy, etc. (as if it didn’t exist before you were in the  picture).

Soon, you’re a full-blown addict, dealing with a breakup that’s robbed you of your happiness, your confidence and your Happily Ever After.

The most damaging part of addiction – whether it be emotional, behavioral or addiction to substance – is that it hibernates your instinct, disallows logic to be considered and amplifies your fear to the point of option-less, robotic-cruise-control submission.

Breakups are the most fertile ground for emotional addiction.

So HOW do you get clean?

Is there a way to get emotionally sober?

If you’re dealing with a breakup that has evolved into an emotional addiction which you feel completely powerless to, here are 5 steps to reclaim your power and reach emotional sobriety once and for all:

When it comes to emotional sobriety, realizations are KEY.

  • Dealing with a breakup – STEP #1:

    Realize that when you decide to stop equating being needed with being wanted, you’ll no longer be subjected to the role of “emotional training wheels” for a grown adult. This also disallows you from becoming a professional launching pad and being labeled as the crazy psycho ex. Understand that the only way that the relationsh*t could have ever worked is if it was completely on your ex’s terms – and that’s no longer your cup of tea because that’s not MUTUAL.

  • Dealing with a breakup – STEP #2:

    Understand that no breakup, person, circumstance or relationship can activate a belief system in you that you don’t breathe life into everyday. People can ONLY activate what you CHOOSE to give life to. I don’t choose to believe that I have a purple mustache, so if someone came up to me and said that I had an ugly purple mustache, I wouldn’t care to even look in a mirror. However, if there was even a small fraction of me that believed I may have ONE purple hair on my upper lip, I would run to the first mirror I saw after being told that my purple mustache was ugly. Make the choice right now to allow the identification of your ex’s bullsh*t to propel you out of your own.

  • Dealing with a breakup – STEP #3:

    FEEL IT, DON’T FEED IT. It’s not only normal, it’s healthy to feel pain, sadness, heartbreak, anger and all the emotions associated with breaking up and loss. Without owning and feeling our pain, we wouldn’t be able to heal and reach indifference. What isn’t healthy, is allowing those feelings to manifest into poison that feeds the cancer of low self esteem (which sets you up for more poor decision making).

  • Dealing with a breakup – STEP #4:

    Understand that whatever you see yourself as, you’ll become. I only saw myself as happy when I was with my ex and my identity had thus become the relationsh*t. So, after the breakup, my happiness and my identity were gone. You are so much more than a “please-complete-me,” advert whose happiness is solely derived from trying to emotionally resurrect empathetically bankrupt f*cktards.

  • Dealing with a breakup – STEP #5:

    Realize that if you have to explain to a grown adult why their lack of empathy, integrity, respect and honesty was hurtful, they’re not going to EVER understand what you’re saying in the way that your heart hopes they will. If they were capable of that kind of empathetic connection, you wouldn’t be in this position of painful ambiguity, having to explain why something that was hurtful was indeed hurtful. Stop explaining, stop reacting and start realizing that everytime you miss your emotionally unavailable ex, it’s because in that moment, you’re choosing to deny reality for an emotional jerk off session with your projections.

The truth really does set you FREE. You are not alone. You have an entire tribe that GETS YOU, all around the world, reading these very words with you right now.

I’ve got some good posts coming your way this week + giveaways (!!) coming soon 🙂 Been busy working on video content, my book and so much more – ALL thanks to your support, encouragement and love.

I am forever grateful and in awe of your strength, beauty and badassness.

Love to you all.

x Natasha

WANT TO RECLAIM YOUR
CONFIDENCE & POWER?

Get Natasha’s 7 life-changing & essential boundaries straight to your inbox.
Sign up to receive exclusive content, updates + more.

You have Successfully Subscribed!

shop the look

[show_shopthepost_widget id="2661785"]

You May Also Like

38 comments

Reply

You have no idea how much your blog has helped me through the last few months from when I discovered it. I never really connected bad relationships and being attracted to fucktards to self love and confidence before reading all your posts. I have literally changed a lot and I feel so much better. Thank you so much! I can’t wait for video content and your book.

Reply

Hi Viola! I’m truly honored to have played a part in your healing and realizations. Thank you for being you – your love, sisterhood, encouragement and support mean everything to me. All my love to you soul sis 🙂 XO

Reply

What she (Viola) said! You have no idea! Can’t wait for book.

Reply

Thanks Lillth! 🙂 XOXO

Reply

Love everything about this post. It was just what I needed. Thank you!

Reply

Happy it helped! 🙂 Thanks Jessica!! xx

Reply

The more I read your blog, the more I can understand the depth, discernment, and knowingness from which you write. It is a blessing to have you in my life. I feel as if I grow more with every one of your posts. And I feel as if I can more intuitively understand your previous posts as I go back and reread them.

This blog, then, is so much HAPPINESS: It represents with irrefutable evidence that I am indeed on a journey that involves propelling myself to have my own back so that I can ultimately reach a level of indifference — I am no longer chained to a belief system which has kept echoing that I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Hallelujah.

You have the unique position of being both a spiritual guide and an inspiration.

Thank you for using your journey to help so many women who are drowning in their self-manifested cycles of hell. You have made me realize the belief system I have with regard to myself has steadfastly enabled all of my relationships and all of my heartbreaks, romantic and otherwise. Although it is difficult to become fully healed, it is absolutely EXHILIRATING — the freedom that comes from knowing that my happiness and wellness is no longer dependent on fucktards forevermore.

Reply

And… I’m in tears. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Dawn. Love you sister 🙂 XOXO

Reply

Dawn,
You, like Natasha, are eloquent, wise and generous. Thank you for expressing yourself and me with elegance, creativity and sincerity.

Reply

🙂 love this

Reply

You are a goddess Natasha <3 Always speaking exactly to the part of our souls that yearn for direction. Thank you!!

Reply

It takes one to know one! 🙂 Sending you a big hug and love always. Happy that the post helped! XO

Reply

eagerly waiting for your book and video.. :-* really helpful post
love you xoxo 🙂

Reply

Thank you Pankhuri!! I’m happy it helped 🙂 Love you too! xx

Reply

So very thankful for PMS! You not only keep it real, but you are SPOT on!!! I am checking myself in so many ways as a result of what you wrote. I not only identify with what you have written, but like so many of us that identify with your words, I have lived it…for too damn long! And I’m over it already! Never even knew that I was attracted to narcissistic selfish a**holes until your blog. I have had to ask myself why…and as you’ve written all my relationships and out of left field breakups, have to do with my lack of self love and low self esteem that leads to a need for validation through these lost men. As a result, no matter how hard I have tried and think “it won’t happen with this one” it still has! Problem was, I was working on building some strong ass walls (they weren’t penetrated for 6 years!) instead of building some major self esteem, learning how to truly love myself and how to find validation and happiness from within. Thank you for helping me work through all this sh*t I’ve been so damn scared of working through…for helping me open my eyes, arms and my heart for MYSELF!!!!

SO GRATEFUL for you and your words!!

Reply

Dalena! I wish you could see the smile on my face right now! 🙂 Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love, sisterhood, support and for sharing your experience. You are loved, believed in, appreciated, empathized with, understood, supported and never, EVER alone.

You’re an inspiration! Keep shining your beautiful light and thank you so much for being a part of this tribe 🙂

All my love to you soul sister! XOXO

Reply

Once again, more beautiful words Natasha. You have an undeniable gift – one of being able to put into words the feelings, pain and struggle of others. So they can understand it , heal and move on.

You are a beautiful soul. These words you write make me teary, but in a happy way.

Thank you! Love and hugs,

Lorelle

Reply

Lorelle, YOUR words make me teary – tears of so much love, appreciation, sisterhood and gratitude. Thank you for being YOU.

BIG love and hugs to you too sister. xx

Reply

Great post, Natasha, and timely too! I hit an unexpected low point this week (five weeks out from a much-needed split with The Little Prince of the Emotionally Unavailables), and this was just what I needed to hear. Your words are some church!

Reply

Hi Stephanie,
It’s ok when you hit a low point. Remember this: ‘The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide’.

And there’s always someone on here at PMS who will have your back. I’m sure you have read many of Natasha’s posts- they really bolster you up when you are feeling vulnerable and low. This is a website filled with love and compassion and incredibly sage advice. Honesty flows like a river on here. It’s the tonic for a broken heart.

You are doing a great job of moving on. ❤ You got this!!! ???

Reply

This makes my heart smile xx

Reply

YAY! Thanks Stephanie 🙂 I’m honored to help and you are not alone. All my love to you soul sis. XOXO

Reply

What oh what can I say that hasn’t been said already? You rule Natasha! Your ultimate concern for others and your passion for the truth is exemplified in every one of your posts. The idea of using the term “cycles of hell” to describe what people put themselves in just to please others is painfully descriptive. What you do with this blog and your reaching out to help others is a gift to the world.

Reply

Love you so much xxx

Reply

I don’t think I came across this blog &/or article merely because of coincidence. I’m feeling low, like LOW LOW. I’m a single mom who has been with a guy for 3 1/2 years (NOT the father). He broke my (our) heart and I’m here in the dark, feeling alive and abandoned (someone must be stomping on my chest). However, I have to put a smile on my face, go to work, and most importantly “parent”.

Today, I felt at the end of my rope. I literally asked God, “what are you doing this for?”. My strength, patience and other feelings are being tested too often these days. I’m exhausted. I’m heartbroken. I feel damn defeated.

Thank you SO much for reminding me of two MAJOR things:
1.) I am not alone (takes away the horrific feeling of isolation)
& more importantly:
2.) This too shall pass (hurts like hell; but only I can really make life better).

If I sound like a cliche, I don’t apologize. Breakups are awful. I’m mourning someone I love; and all the while knowing it is he, the one I mourn, who could just as quickly take the pain away.

Thank you for your words, encouragement, & just honest-real advice. You have no idea how much I needed to read your post tonight.

Reply

Hi Jaclyn!

I’m honored to have played a part in your healing and realizations. So glad that the post helped! 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing and for the love, sisterhood and support. You are understood, loved, believed in, backed, empathized with and never, EVER alone in this. Thanks for being a part of this tribe 🙂 Keep coming back here to the blog and just know that until this passes (and beyond)… you’ve got everyone here supporting you, always. XOXO

Reply

Natasha,
I am a lot older than you, but cant tell you how much you inspire me. I could only wish I had 1/2 your strength when I was your age. You are dead on with putting the feelings and struggles that so many women are feeling into words and making sense out of it all. Truly inspirational!

Reply

Hi Deanna! In in tears. Can’t express how much that means to me. It takes one to know one – YOU inspire me. BIG love and hugs to you soul sister. XOX

Reply

Ur blog is so great, my bf of 8 yrs left me for a much older lady, he is 30 years n the lady is 35 , am much younger, so I cudnt wrap my head around d whole thing . N he broke up with me on my birthday, gave me my bday gift n said is over, I was like how am I gona get out there again is been 8 yrs n I didn’t cheat on u. ( thou I have plenty guys coming for me , a whole lot running after me but I didn’t cheat on him, but he has cheated on me countless times, I caught him with a gal red handed with used condoms) he kept cheating n cheating n at some point He gave the gals my number to tell me how am not treating him like a baby that’s why he is cheating on me . but I kept forgiving him n he will alwz blame me says is my fault he is cheating. So when he broke up with me he said I can marry anybody I want, I was so devastated , I cried my eyes out, dis guy ruined my 8 yrs. I was inconsolable , for four months I wasn’t my self , I manage to pass my exams, den I started reading a lot of articles on how to cope with break up( he said we can still b friends but I told him I gave u 8 years of my life I can never b ur friend) n for 6 months I kept finking of him if he missed me. Thou he called me two months after d break up n made fun of me telling he loves his gf that I can come n b his second gf, but now am happy , he is d one calling me and am the one blocking all d numbers, he is the one begging me but I can’t ever imagine going back to him , he needs a mother not a gf, I would rather die than date him again. Just ignore the guy , dnt pick his calls, dnt stalk him on Facebook , break up with all the mutual friends u guys had or tell dem not to ever talk about him. N please do not feed it. If I can survive this break up that was so insulting n heart breaking and now living larger than life , u too can survive. N please dnt make the mistake of going for a rebound lover , just take ur time and morn the relationship and sooner dan later u will get to indifference stage.

Reply

Hi Cataliah! I’m so happy that the blog has helped <3 you are loved, supported, believed in and never, ever alone. Thank you so much for sharing 🙂 xo

Reply

Thank you Natasha. You website has been so helpful for me. Actually, its more than helpful – it’s therapeutic. My boyfriend and I broke up 2 weeks ago after dating for a year and a half. because he wouldn’t deactivate his dating profile. He hid it – but wouldn’t deactivate it after I begged and begged him to do so. Eventually, I let my insecurities get the best of me and I tried to “catch” him in the act, though he promised he wasn’t using the site for that purpose. He found out about my attempts to catch him so he broke up with me and blamed me for all of our relationship problems.

Your blog has helped me to realize that I have some issues that I need to address within myself. If I would have loved myself more, it wouldn’t have got to the point where I behaved so immature. I have started the healing process and trying to work on myself so that I don’t the same mistakes in the future. My heart is broken, and I feel like I can’t stop crying. But I know that I deserve a happy, healthy, loving relationship and I now realize that won’t have that until I do some internal work first. Thank you.

Reply

Hi Mimi! I am in tears from your beautiful message and so honored to have helped 🙂 You are not alone. Keeping coming back here to the blog and just know that you’re loved, supported and believed in… ALWAYS. xx

Reply

Thank you so much for this post. I know your blog is called post MALE syndrome but honestly it’s relevant for any toxic relationships. I recently got out of a relationship with another girl but I relate on a molecular level, all the points you stated above. Especially your point about “Realize that if you have to explain to a grown adult why their lack of empathy, integrity, respect and honesty was hurtful, they’re not going to EVER understand what you’re saying in the way that your heart hopes they will.”

I found myself explaining and explaining over and over again how her actions hurt me deeply. I never had the courage to reflect on the relationship and realize that it’s just straight up poor treatment and as you would call it — a relationsh*t!!

Thank you so much for giving me the strength to find myself again, to deal with my own insecurities and to know that nobody can complete me but myself.

Reply

Hi Tina! I’m so happy to have helped 🙂 Yes – none of this pain, heartbreak, bs, etc., discriminates against age, gender, orientation and wisdom. I have readers and coach people from all ages, orientations, backgrounds, cultures, gender, etc. and it truly makes me feel so much less alone in experiences and emotions that I was convinced I was alone in. Thank YOU so much for your love, sisterhood, support and for taking the time to share your experience. You are loved, supported, backed, believed in, empathized with, understood and never, EVER alone. All my love to you soul sister. XO

Reply

Hi Natasha, I’m all away in Australia and wanted to comment on how I have been through a very painful breakup about 6 months ago. My EX who I thought was ‘the one’, who for the past 5 years would silence me whenever he didn’t want to talk about something; or I did or said something that he got shitty about. I would then start to have this fear that he had left me, so it was always me contacting him and saying sorry that I didn’t mean to say what i said, or hurt him…over and over and over. He broke up with me after one year because he ‘loved me but just wanted to be sue’. Of course he was with someone else. I used to journal how many time we had these mini breakups or he would disappear and go into his man cave for days. Meanwhile, no contacting me to reassure me that he just needed ‘space’. This love of push and pull went on for so long that for me it was the norm. I know I had a lot to do with the final breakup. I’ve been reading your amazing insightful and full of support site and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me guidance and some love. He blind sided me while I think he overlapped with someone else on this final break. I was a fearful, insecure, emotional and somewhat pathetic woman when he did. I lost myself in him and he was my world, except it was looking back at it so hurtful and not how love should ever be. I know I have codependent and more likely love addiction due to my abandonment issues. I accept my part and I am trying to heal and get back to my once awesome self. I miss him and his life which became so much a big part of mine. His email was full of blame an insults and has made me feel at times ugly and worthless. He said he had absolutely no desire to want to make us work after his insults of how I looked and my weight etc. Well after no contact o 5 months he text me to catch up ( I have something of his that he wants ..hence the text he had to do) but I text back and said “I have absolutely no desire in wanting to see him”. And that is the last of that. This somewhat narcissistic fu**tard within 3 weeks after he left me was in a relationship….hmmmmm. I stopped the cycle finally and I have cried more than I thought possible. I have written 50 letters and deleted them all. I have stayed on my white horse and can say that I am getting there. I am so glad as the pain was debilitating. Sending lots of love, thank you if you managed to read my very long comment.

Reply

Hi Jude! I read every word and wish I had the time to respond more in depth. Thank you so much for sharing <3 you're doing the right thing. Keep staying on your white horse and coming back here to the blog. You are loved, supported, believed in and never, EVER alone. Sending you love. xxxx

Reply

Girl! You are awesome. Full of wit, charm, wisdom beyond your years and sound advice. I’m 41 and just starting to figure some of this stuff out – with your guidance. My ex fiancé broke up with me twice in four months (after 10 years) and my father passed away in between. He didn’t care. I’m realizing that I need to work on me and stop giving people license to treat me like crap. It stops here. My emotional sobriety starts today. Thank you for being you!!

Reply

Thank YOU for not only being you Sara, but for your love, support, sisterhood, and for being a part of this tribe 🙂

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is surviving your own murder.

You are incredible and if I can do it, SO.CAN.YOU.

All my love to you soul sister. xx

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *