In previous posts, I’ve talked about what narcissism is, signs that indicate you’re dealing with a narcissist and if there’s truly a difference between emotionally unavailables and narcissists. I’ve even talked about my own narcissism, which I still struggle with
at times a lot lately. So why am I even taking the time to write about dating a narcissist and what you need to know?
Because dating a narcissist makes you feel on top of the world at times but also makes you feel so f*cking crazy, you start to question reality. Because loving and dating a narcissist is as impossible as preventing the sun from setting and because once you truly make the connection and gain the understanding, the amount of bullsh*t in your life decreases to the point of never before experienced happiness, peace and self-validating confidence that no one can ever rob you of.
I’m going to keep this simple because it IS simple – 3 lists. That’s it.
Here’s what you need to know about dating a narcissist:
- Keep in mind – not everyone who is emotionally unavailable is a narcissist. However, a narcissist is ALWAYS emotionally unavailable.
- ANYONE can fall for a narcissist but only those with low self esteem that seek validation like oxygen will start dating a narcissist and continue to STAY. They will “refuse to give up” on a narcissist because they gave up on themselves a long time ago. They put all of their eggs in the “I’m gong to be cool/smart/sexy enough for him to change/commit/love/validate/notice/be attracted to me,” basket.
- Engaging with a narcissist on ANY level besides speaking with your actions is useless.
- Listening to the ACTIONS of a narcissist is imperative. Their words mean nothing and will drive you crazy. Any words you speak, excuses you make for them in the name of zero-boundary’d love, understanding, etc., will ultimately be used against you.
- Dating a narcissist makes you feel so crazy that you’ll want to get off of your white horse for good. You have to stay on though because once you’re off, the narcissist will step back/recoil/give you the silent treatment and use your unraveling against you, as in indication that YOU need help, not them. Narcissists love this turn-around-deflection dynamic because it allows them to further victimize themselves, never experience any real consequences and continue their all-important behavior. Remember, the crazier they can get you to look, the more in control they look.
- Narcissists are experts in emotional Chinese Water Torture. They keep dripping and dripping water on you and when you finally go insane, they say “Whoa! RELAX. That was just water! It’s non-toxic, It’s natural! What’s your problem?” You’re then left feeling bad about yourself and crazy, so you further blame yourself and apologize.
- No matter how cool and care-free they so desperately try to appear, narcissists are image and control freaks.
- Narcissists are energetic and emotional vampires that will passively suck the energy, the emotions and the sanity out of you and then finger point and make you feel badly for being depleted of all three.
- Looking back, I think I had such a hard time accepting that I was dating a narcissist because that meant I would have to accept that my parents had a certain level of narcissism. It also it forced my to address my own reverse narcissism (a term that I totally made up).
- There is no need to EVER worry that after dating a narcissist, he’ll move on to a better girl and be a better man in a better relationship. Narcissists are highly insecure people whose emotional development was arrested when they were given conditional love, abandoned, betrayed, abused, bullied etc. Narcissists thrive on creating an image of themselves and controlling that image at all costs. However, because they are deep down so insecure, they can never keep up with the image that they portray and eventually unfold to reveal someone that will only be compatible with women whose levels of self esteem are as low as theirs.
- Narcissists are unable to operate from a place of love – for themselves or others. They operate from a place of fear and the only way to keep that fear at bay is to be in control of others (in the form of mind f*cking, blaming, deflecting, chain yanking, swooping in and out of your life, hot one minute cold the next, etc).
- If they know that they can cause you to emotionally unhinge (in the relationsh*t or after breaking up); if they know that they can keep you guessing, make you feel jealous, crazy, possessive of them, obsessed, etc., that’s all they need. To them, it’s as good as going to bed with you. Control is the only thing that will truly turn a narcissist on because deep down, they are scared emotional children that have such a lack of control, they feel like they have to control the emotional responses of others.
- If you’re dating a narcissist, you will never truly know how they feel about you or to what level they are invested in the relationsh*t because they are perpetually hot/cold/yes/no/maybe. This “unknowing” keeps you involved because the more that they negotiate your boundaries and instincts down, the more “curious” you become. This causes you to become delusional enough to believe that if you turn your head for a hot minute, they’ll transform into the guy of your dreams, the guy that they were in the beginning, with another girl and you will have missed your Happily Ever After.
- When you inevitably breakup after dating a narcissist, it’s 1871817 times more excruciating. Not only are you vulnerable, but because your boundaries and expectations have been bartered down to such a low level, you feel like you have no identity or purpose other than to obsess. Rejection plants the seeds for FBI stalking obsession. Often, narcissists will just all of a sudden disappear or breakup with you and not contact you at all. Narcissists know how much the silent treatment paralyzes you. So, as long as they can keep you thirsty in the emotional desert, they have you primed to welcome them back into your life at any moment with their little drop of water. They do this so that they can use you as an option, do even less for you than they did in the relationsh*t, and STILL get the sexual/emotional/financial, etc., benefits of having you as a girlfriend (without the commitment or the monogamy). By keeping you in this state of insecure stagnation, they know that you’ll never be totally done with them. If you ever did decide that you were totally done with them, they wouldn’t know what to do with that loss of control. So, they have to weaken your defenses to ensure their emotional survival (remember, deep down they feel super small and fragile).
- Narcissists don’t care about anything but control on their terms. You can never “scare” them into thinking that “this is it” or that you’re leaving or moving on. They know better. They’ve conditioned you to be their 24-hour emotional/sexual/excuse-making/Mommy-ing/motivational, ATM.
- REMEMBER THIS BECAUSE IT WILL SAVE YOU TIME AND TEARS- it takes a narcissist to be attracted to one. I am NOT AT ALL saying that you are an empathetically bankrupt narcissist that thinks you are all important. You HAVE empathy (and your empathy is what will ultimately get you out of this pattern). What I am saying is that (this is a term that I totally made up and this is my non-professional, street cred opinion), you’re a reverse narcissist that truly believes that other people’s hurtful, deceitful and heartbreaking behavior is ALL about YOU not being good enough. And however you want to slice and dice it, that’s STILL making it all about you and that’s STILL narcissism. The only difference is that reverse narcissists have the ultimate game changer that conventional narcissists do not: they have empathy. Aim to have less empathy for those that hurt you and more empathy for YOURSELF. Work on your reverse narcissism by consistently having your own back and WATCH how your life transforms. You’ll soon stop being attracted to narcissists like a fly to horse sh*t. There ARE good guys out there.
Dating a narcissist? Here are the only ways you (or ANYone else), will ever be able to keep the relationsh*t going:
- Accept that the relationsh*t is 1000% on his terms.
- Make it ALL about him and his needs. Never about you.
- Never question him, his decisions or his behavior.
- You can’t love yourself, have your own back or regard yourself in a healthy manner. Ever. If you do, you should feel guilty about it.
- Accept his hurtful actions and behavior as an indication that you need to be “better.”
- Never, I repeat NEVER think that you are enough.
- Take all of the blame and apologize for everything.
- Never have any kind of sit down “talks” about the relationsh*t or where it’s going.
- Recreate bad, disconnected porno sex in the bedroom and don’t ever voice any of your sexual desires.
- Fake every orgasm.
- You must always downplay your intelligence, looks, success and accomplishments so that he can feel more secure.
- Understand that he will always (either directly or indirectly), compete with you and that you must always lose.
- You must have a phD in pedestal building of him, door matting of yourself and under-the-rug brushing.
- You must be an emotional/financial/spiritual/motivational/sexual ATM.
- You must keep giving and giving so that he can keep taking and taking.
- Never age or gain weight.
- Accept that he needs the validation and attention of a LOT of women (not just you), to keep his pseudo self-importance parade going. Do not try to compete or ever be number one. You will be made to look crazy.
- Don’t ever make him feel bad about talking sh*t about
other people“haters.” If you don’t agree with him, he will scapegoat you.
- Accept that he will forever engage in the cycle of valuing and devaluing you. He can’t subscribe to anything so don’t expect him too.
Is there a silver lining in any of this?
The silver lining in dating a narcissist is that they always reflect what we need to work on: loving ourselves and healing past trauma. They also make us address our own reverse narcissism because really, who would ever waste their time dating a narcissist other than a (reverse)narcissist?
I know that somewhere deep inside of you, you have the ability to truly love yourself, to empathize with yourself, to be in a mutual relationship and to authentically connect with and truly love others that are deserving of your time and love. I know it.
Instead of subscribing to the “Why me? Why am I not good enough?” dialogue, know and OWN this: the narcissist was put in your path NOT as an indicator of your lack of value but as a spiritual northern star.
And we all know what northern starts do, don’t we? They are there to guide us; to point us onto where we need to be. NOT to be the Happily Ever After, end-all-be-all.
If you recognize dating a narcissist as the northern star that he/she IS, you’ll be open to the motivation that your involvement with them provides – motivation to work on loving yourself, owning your decisions, trusting your gut and having your own back.
When you let go of the bullsh*t, you can finally start to love from within, emanate that love and ATTRACT that true love into your existence.
Don’t believe me? I am a living and breathing embodiment of it.
The second I got a hold of my own reverse narcissistic habits, I was able to disrobe the emperor that was never clothed to begin with.