In light of the holidays, I wanted to discuss the best gift you could ever give yourself this holiday season, new year, and all year round: Cutting people off who make you question your worth, lower your standards, and feel terrible.
Whether it’s with friends, an ex, or even family… Cutting people off is one of the most difficult things to do. Especially if we love the person and realize that we miss them while still being in a relationship with them. Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever missed someone while you were still in a relationship or some kind of one-sided communication with them? This usually happens when the other person has unfolded, revealed who they really are, and because of that, all of the toothpaste has left the tube. There’s no way to put it back in and your gut knows the truth. Being selectively deaf and blind to your instinct is no longer an option because it’s the only thing that you have left to trust.
As far as cutting people off goes, I’m never going to insult your intelligence and tell you the types of people that you need to cut off. Your gut can sense a toxic person and a toxic relationship. If you feel emotionally drained, abused, manipulated, terrible about yourself, devalued, deceived, hard to love and respect, or like you need to lower your standards to be in a relationship with someone… You should consider cutting them off because their patterns have handed you the scissors.
When it comes to cutting people off, patterns are the best compass as far as how to proceed. Words mean nothing without action backing them up. And just like actions supersede words, patterns supersede action.
Everything you ever wanted to know about cutting people off can be found by examining their patterns. Actions are great and all but remember… ANYONE can do something chivalrous. Anyone can book a flight, buy a ring, send flowers, write a card or physically show up. Anyone can be sorry, but do their patterns show and translate genuine remorse? Taking a mental step back and looking at the bigger picture, at their patterns, will help you separate the emotional nostalgia that’s tied to their actions from the TRUTH of their patterns.
When it comes to cutting people off, for me personally…
The moment someone stops making me want to be better or their patterns show that they don’t want the best for me, I cut them off. I always want to be around people who raise the bar, challenge me, motivate me, value me, and make me want to be a better person.
When their patterns dictate that their ego matters more to them than I do or ever will, I cut them off.
Sometimes you can’t physically cut someone off – You have to work with them, go to school with them, or even worse, you are related to them. You can still cut them off emotionally. By implementing healthy boundaries, you can disallow them from permeating to the point of depletion.
Sometimes it’s clear and more black and white but other times, it’s not so clear. It gets foggy because it’s life. You may have a history with this person, an abundance of misdirected empathy to over-excuse because of what they may be going through, misunderstandings, miscommunications, etc. With cutting people off, you never want to do it prematurely or in a way that gives them the upper hand to toxic/crazy label you.
If you are thinking of cutting people off in your life, here’s how to do it with your dignity intact…
- Keep in mind that if you have to debate whether or not to cut someone out of your life, that in and of itself is a pink flag at best and a red one at worst. And flags are not there for you to put your rose-colored glasses on so that you can be blind to their color. They are there as signals to ACT in light of the sheer self-respect and love that you have for yourself.
- Explaining is pointless with toxic people because they are incapable of clear communication outside of the selfish filter of “convenient victim,” that they view life through. Explaining why you’re hurt, upset, are going to cut them off, etc., is nothing but food for their ego. Starve them of the abundance that is YOU by acting on what you’ve been exposed to.
- Realize that you are not dealing with someone who is ever going to logically level with you. You are dealing with a creature of triggers, and enough insecurity, self-hate, and narcissism to get you to the point of using the scissors that their patterns have handed you.
- Remember that being in any kind of emotional and physical contact with a toxic person will obliterate whatever respect and love that you have for yourself. YOUR pattern of putting up with them and giving out chances like Halloween candy will translate to them that you value you as little as they value you (and themselves). You have to feel extremely small and insecure to behave in a way that a good person decides to cut you off. Remember that.
- By being the training wheels for anyone who is toxic, you become just as toxic. Toxicity is as contagious as the flu. This is why I have boundaries to protect myself and a zero tolerance policy for it.
For most of my life, I’ve peacock’d my exits. I thought I was so strong and badass. Now, I look back and wish that I would have done what I’m telling you to do. I wish I would have had the courage to give myself the gift I am asking you to give yourself this holiday season.
The gift of cutting people OFF.
Instead of writing a list of everything you want to buy or resolve in the new year, first, write down who needs to be cut off.
It’s great to want new furniture that matches the beauty of your home. The thing is, until you take out the trash, the trash will continue to detract from and ruin the furniture in your home – No matter how new or top-of-the-line it is.
If you feel guilty for cutting people off, that’s just a sign that you need to keep your boundaries intact, keep having your own back, and keep loving yourself the way you loved these people. The guilt will be replaced with peace and eventual indifference the moment that you truly believe you deserve that new furniture and value your home enough to take the trash out.
The years it took to rebuild my dignity weren’t worth it. They weren’t worth the misdirected and delusional high of momentarily having the stage in a f*cktard-directed play that I was always a disposable character in.
I thought I was so strong and assertive when in reality… I was weak, hellbent on not being abandoned – again, scared, reactive, and totally non-responsive.
Reactivity is rooted in succumbing to the trigger that un-dealt with trama is. Responding is rooted in action.
Whenever anyone disrespected or hurt me, I would lash out and try to checkmate them through emotional mafia theatrics. Then I swore I was done. I’d cut them off.
I soon found out the price that investing in the emotional mafia came at. My reactivity caused something I could no longer afford.
Drama. Drama that mind f*cked, broke, and damaged me MORE than the relationship I not-so-gracefully exited. Drama that had a dangerous ripple effect of occupying prime real estate in my head, heart, and life for months (sometimes years) following.
As I got older, I realized that there was a better way to cut someone off that not only kept my dignity intact but elevated my self-respect and irreversibly boosted my confidence. Whether it was a friendsh*t, a romantic relationsh*t or a toxic family member, I realized that the best thing to do was to just walk away. If I couldn’t walk away physically, I could walk away emotionally by accepting who this person had revealed themselves to be.
And the more I walked away, the less I cared about what others thought. They didn’t know the whole story nor were they entitled to know. I KNEW the truth and that was enough. It’s a lot harder to gossip about someone’s dignified action than it is about them disembarking from their white horse.
When it comes to cutting people off, there is only ONE way to do it that will make you happier in the long-term instead of a miserable and insecure, self-sabotaging mess. Walk away – physically and emotionally. Completely ignore them.
– Every time you miss and think about them, replace that thought with redirecting your focus BACK to their PATTERNS – what they did and how their selfish actions made you feel. Allow yourself to feel anger if it comes up. USE the fire that the anger ignites to propel you out of your pain contraction instead of burning you to the ground.
– Don’t diagnose these people. If they were capable of actually hearing you, they wouldn’t do the things they do to EVERYONE (not just you, no matter how much it may seem so), on varying levels. They don’t care about the articles you send them, or knowing that you think they’re narcissistic, emotionally unavailable and empathetically bankrupt. They care about themselves and their agenda. If they didn’t prioritize that, you would not be reading this post still. You can’t take people more seriously than they take themselves.
– Never gossip about them. Ever. Gossiping makes you dirty and when you roll in the mud with the pigs for long enough, no one will be able to tell that you’re not one of them.
– This requires discipline, but you are strong enough to do it. Completely disregard these people. If you don’t disregard them, how are you any better than what they did to you? You’re just the one torturing yourself now. The most powerful people in the world are the ones who do not care to “be right,” “win,” or have the last word. They simply fold from the f*cktardery of emotional bed sh*tters. Nothing is louder or more classy than silence. It’s the ultimate white horse move.
– You never need to give these people advice. Giving them advice not only shows that you still care, but it translates that you actually think they are capable of listening and having an empathetic transplant on the spot. Not going to happen. They will never get it or understand on the level that you deserve.
– When it comes to cutting people off, stop looking for them to give you closure. True closure comes when you make the committed decision to actually use the scissors they handed you, instead of keeping them in your pocket to cause further injury and pain.
Always have your own back and protect yourself first. Be empathetic, be compassionate, and always be kind, but keep your boundaries in place – they are there to protect you.
Your goal each day should not be to perpetuate the outdated mental loop of “how could he/she?” Your goal is to run with the knowingness of “he/she DID, and so I rightfully folded. I refuse to validate my fears and resuscitate my insecurities by feeling guilty for taking out the trash.” Repeat this until you feel peace infiltrate because it WILL. In time, you will become more protective of your peace than you are drawn to taking a hit from the reactivity pipe.
This isn’t easy, but you can do it. A lack of emotional fitness is the one thing that will eventually take down even the most physically fit.
Your mind will try to bring them back to life with the fertilizer of your guilt. Extinguish it on the spot by reminding yourself that the people you cut off… You have no idea who they are. And they have no idea who you are or the silence that you are capable of. They unfolded and revealed themselves to be someone who you don’t know and don’t need to get to know – on any level.
If you wouldn’t expose your younger self to these people, be the adult that little child needed when he/she was younger and rejoice in your ability to take out the trash. It’s something 99% of people can’t do independent of drama and guilt.
Happy Holidays to you and yours from me and mine 🙂
+ If you need further and more personalized help, please look into working with me here.