In light of the holidays, I wanted to discuss the best gift you can ever give yourself: having enough self-respect to cut people off who make you question your worth, lower your standards, and feel terrible.

Whether it’s with friends, an ex, or even family… Cutting people off is one of the most difficult things to do. Especially if we love the person and realize that we miss them while still being in a relationship with them. Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever missed someone while you were still in a relationship or some kind of one-sided communication with them? This usually happens when the other person has unfolded, revealed who they really are, and because of that, all of the toothpaste has left the tube. There’s no way to put it back in and your gut knows the truth. Being selectively deaf and blind to your instinct is no longer an option because it’s the only thing that you have left to trust.

When it comes to cutting people out of your life, I’m never going to insult your intelligence and tell you the types of people that you need to cut off. Your gut can sense a toxic person and a toxic relationship. If you feel emotionally drained, abused, manipulated, devalued, deceived, like you are hard to love and respect or, like you need to lower your standards to be in a relationship with someone…

You should consider cutting them off. Their patterns have handed you the scissors.

When it comes to cutting people off, patterns are the best compass as far as how to proceed. Words mean nothing without action backing them up. And just like actions supersede words, patterns supersede action.

Everything you ever wanted to know about cutting people off can be found by examining their patterns. Actions are great and all but remember… ANYONE can do something chivalrous. Anyone can book a flight, buy a ring, send flowers, write a card, apologize or physically show up. Anyone can be sorry, but do their patterns show and translate genuine remorse (or are you getting more selfish regret and mistaking it for genuine remorse)?

Take a mental step back and look at the bigger picture – at their patterns. It will allow you to separate the emotional nostalgia tied to isolated romantic actions from the TRUTH of their patterns.

When it comes to cutting people off, for me personally…

The moment someone’s patterns show that they don’t want the best for me, I cut them off.

When their patterns dictate that their ego matters more to them than I do (or ever will), I cut them off.

Sometimes, you can’t physically cut someone off. You have to work with them, go to school with them, or even worse… you are related to them. By implementing healthy boundaries, you can emotionally cut them off. They will no longer get to reap the benefits of an emotional connection with you. And by having your own back, you’ve disabled them from ever again permeating to the point of depletion.

Sometimes it’s clear and more black and white but other times, it’s not so clear. It gets foggy because it’s life. You may have a history with this person, an abundance of misdirected empathy to over-excuse because of what they may be going through, misunderstandings, miscommunications, etc. With cutting people off, you never want to do it prematurely or in a way that gives them the upper hand to toxic/crazy label you.

If you are thinking of cutting people off in your life, here’s how to do it with your dignity intact…

  • Keep in mind that if you have to debate whether or not to cut someone out of your life, that in and of itself is a pink flag at best and a red one at worst. And flags are not there for you to put your rose-colored glasses on so that you can be blind to their color. They are there as signals to ACT in light of the sheer self-respect and love that you have for yourself.
  • Explaining your side of things is pointless with toxic people. They are incapable of communicating outside the selfish filter of “convenient victim,” that they view life through. Explaining why you are hurt, upset, and announcing that you are going to cut them off, etc., is nothing but caviar for their ego. Starve them of the abundance that is YOU by acting on what you’ve been exposed to.
  • Realize that you are not dealing with someone who is ever going to logically level with you. You are dealing with a creature of triggers, and enough insecurity, self-hate, and narcissism to get you to the point of using the scissors that their patterns have handed you.
  • Remember that being in any kind of emotional and physical contact with a toxic person will obliterate whatever respect and love that you have for yourself. YOUR pattern of putting up with them and giving out chances like Halloween candy will translate to them that you value you as little as they value you (and themselves). You have to feel extremely small and insecure to behave in a way that a good person decides to cut you off. Remember that.
  • By being the training wheels for anyone who is toxic, you become just as toxic. Toxicity is as contagious as the flu. This is why you have boundaries. They are there to protect and strengthen your emotional immune system.

For most of my life, I’ve peacock’d my exits. I thought I was so strong and badass. Now, I look back and wish that I would have done what I’m telling you to do. I wish I would have had the courage to give myself the gift I am asking you to give yourself this holiday season.

The gift of cutting people OFF.

Instead of writing a list of everything you want to buy or resolve in the new year, first, write down who needs to be cut off.

It’s great to want new furniture that matches the beauty of your home. The thing is, until you take out the trash, the trash will continue to detract from and ruin the furniture in your home – no matter how new or top-of-the-line it is. 

If you feel guilty for cutting people off, that’s just a sign that you need to keep your boundaries intact, keep having your own back, and keep loving yourself the way you loved these people. The guilt will be replaced with peace (and eventual indifference) the moment that you truly believe you deserve that new furniture and value your home enough to take the trash out.

The years it took to rebuild my dignity weren’t worth it. They weren’t worth the misdirected and delusional high of momentarily having the stage in an amateur hour play that I was always a disposable character in. 

I thought I was so strong and assertive when in reality… I was weak, hellbent on not being abandoned (again), scared, reactive, and totally non-responsive.

Reactivity is rooted in an unhealed wound being activated. Responding is rooted in action.

Whenever anyone disrespected or hurt me, I would lash out and try to checkmate them through emotional mafia theatrics. Then, I swore I was done. I’d cut them off.

I soon found out the price that investing in the emotional mafia came at. My reactivity caused something I could no longer afford.

Drama.

Drama that mind f*cked, broke, and damaged me MORE than the relationship I had not-so-gracefully exited. Drama that had a dangerous ripple effect of occupying prime real estate in my head, heart, and life for months (sometimes years) following.

As I got older, I realized that there was a better way to cut someone off that not only kept my dignity intact but built unconditional confidence. Whether it was a toxic friendship, romantic relationship or a toxic family member, I realized that the best thing to do was to just walk away. If I couldn’t walk away physically, I could walk away emotionally by accepting who this person had revealed themselves to be.

And the more I walked away, the less I cared about what others thought. They didn’t know the whole story nor were they entitled to know. I KNEW the truth and that was enough. It’s a lot harder to gossip about someone’s dignified action than it is about them getting off their white horse.

When it comes to cutting people off, there is only ONE way to do it: walk away – physically and emotionally. Completely ignore them.

– Every time you miss and think about them, replace that thought with redirecting your focus BACK to their PATTERNS – what they did and how their selfish actions made you feel. Allow yourself to feel anger if it comes up and use the fire that the anger ignites to propel you out of your pain contraction (instead of burning you to the ground).

– Don’t diagnose these people. If they were capable of actually hearing you and empathizing, they wouldn’t do the things they do to EVERYONE (not just you, no matter how much it may seem so), on varying levels. They don’t care about the articles you send them or knowing that you think they’re narcissistic, emotionally unavailable and empathetically bankrupt. They care about themselves and their agenda. If they didn’t prioritize that, you would not be reading this post still.

You can’t take people more seriously than they take themselves.

– Never gossip about them. Ever. Gossiping makes you dirty and when you roll in the mud with the pigs for long enough, no one will be able to tell that you’re not one of them.

– This requires discipline, but you are strong enough to do it. Completely disregard these people. If you don’t disregard them, how are you any better than what they did to you? You’re just the one torturing yourself now. The most powerful people in the world are the ones who do not care to be right, to “win,” or have the last word. They simply fold when it comes to emotional bed sh*tters. Nothing is louder, more powerful or classy than silence. It’s the ultimate white horse move.

– You never need to give these people advice. Giving them advice not only shows that you still care, but it translates that you actually think they are capable of listening and having an empathetic transplant on the spot. Not going to happen. They will never get it or understand on the level that you deserve.

– When it comes to cutting people off, stop looking for them to give you closure. True closure comes when you make the committed decision to actually use the scissors they handed you, instead of keeping them in your pocket to cause further injury and pain.

Your goal each day should not be to perpetuate the mental loop of “how could he/she?” Your goal is to run with the knowingness of “he/she DID. And so, I rightfully folded. I refuse to feel guilty for taking out the trash.” Repeat this until you feel peace infiltrate because it WILL. In time, you will become more protective of your peace than you are drawn to taking a hit from the old reactivity pipe.

This isn’t easy, but you can do it.

Your mind will try to bring them back to life by remembering who they were in the beginning. Extinguish it on the spot by reminding yourself that this person you cut off… You have no idea who they are. And they have no idea who you are (and the silence that you are capable of). 

If you wouldn’t expose your younger self to these people, be the adult that little child needed when he/she was younger and rejoice in your ability to take out the trash.

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.

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41 comments

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Recently i decided to cut off my ex friend with benefits. Ok, I know friends with benefits relationships are basically doomed from the start but this was not the reason. We came to a point where we were really open about our expectation in a plausible relationship and found ourselves incompatible. Fine. It was good for both. Because we were even. On the same level, and honest. But then one day out of the blue, while texting, he came out with a really really bad thing about me, probably because of anger (an anger that I still do not know where it came from). It is something that in Italian we call “cattiveria gratuita” which literally translates into “ free bad saying”, you know, just for the only purpose of hurting. As you said, there is no point in explaining to these people so self absorbed why that hurt me. I tried and end up with him thinking I was so into him I could not stand his refusal, which was actually mutual and was okay with it totally. So I decide to end this drama and leave him in 2018, he does not deserve my 2019 or any other year.

Thank you for everything Natasha. I think you’ve been one of the most precious thing in this year where my life totally changed. I started it completely wrecked by a break up with an emotionally unavailable guy and I am ending it now in a very happy place with my confidence and my dignity intact. Part of it is because of you. I wish you and your loved ones all the best.

Xoxo from Italy

Ps. Might consider an Italian cooperation next year? 😉

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Ciao Elena!

Yes, I know what that means/translates to. I am so sorry that you’ve had to go through this but proud of you for taking your power back, flushing the crap, and doing what is best for YOU. I have family in Italy and would LOVE to come back to Italy one day soon. I would love to do a speaking engagement/workshop there and of course, get to meet you in person 🙂

Thank you so much for taking the time to share, for being a part of this tribe, and for being a sister on a soul level. I am so honored to even have played a small part in your healing and realizations. You are never, ever alone. All my love to you Elena. I hope that you had a Merry Christmas and I am so happy you are staring this New Year off right – On YOUR terms. XX

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Natasha, you have NO idea how much I needed to read this in this exact moment! I fell off my White Horse and agreed to meet my toxic assclown ex tonight, whilst I’m in town. He broke up with me in a heartbreaking way, and I think he wanted to meet up to say “goodbye” in person. He also said there are things he’d like to tell me face to face. I can only imagine what things there are…. it certainly wouldn’t be an apology or remorse. I decided last night I couldn’t go through with it, and texted him saying I was unable to meet.

It’s now 6:30 am in the morning, I’ve been awake 36 hours (I’m a flight attendant and just flew from Australia to the States…..long shift) I’ve been stressing about my decision all night, tossing and turning. I wanted to meet up with him if he was the wonderful man I fell in love with. I dreaded sharing a meal with him if he was the emotionally unavailable toxic asshole he unfolded to be…… I was very conflicted and I knew if I cancelled dinner, we would never meet up again. Part of me wasn’t ready to accept this fact.

I turned my hotel light back on to check my emails and there was yours, a message sent to me by my spirit guides for sure!

Thank you soooooo much for the reality check….. I need to get him out of my head once and for all, and your post will help me enormously.

Bring on 2019 and a fresh start. Best wishes to you Natasha, and everyone in our community.

Mai x

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Hi Mai,
I can relate so much with wat u r saying. I am in the same boat. I have been riding my white horse and suddenly he called in the morning and I just got upset n replied bitterly, that is, i reacted when he acted so cool.
I was desperate and wanted to text and apologize and I know from there on, it was only my hope to get things on better tracks. He too is emotionally unavailable and has never been there for me n wud always let me down while I have been there all the time… he wud b all happy n easy going with his gang n routine n wud think of me only when he is stressed out n need help…I accepted his BS in the name of love…
I was to succumb n thank god this mail reached me on time.
We r blesssed to have this tribe!

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I am the lucky one to have you 🙂 I love seeing this love and support!!

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Mai,

YES! YOU GO GIRL. I am happy that the post helped!

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing. I know the feeling because I have been in this same position before. You did the right thing. When we are not fully healed and indifferent, sometimes we get a bit of an emotional hangover from acting in accordance with a level of confidence and assurity that our heart and triggers have not yet fully caught up to. You did the right thing – He already unfolded and showed you who he is. And even if you met and he was the guy that he was in the beginning… That would just confuse you more and be even more of a mind f*ck because you’ve already seen just how bad it can be. Get some sleep and just know you are loved. Wishing you a wonderful holiday season and a New Year as beautiful and incredible as you are. Love you sister. xx

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Thanks Natasha for this post.
It really hit home. I have been currently, I admit it finally, in a toxic relationship…it’s been 2 long years…
I never felt special, valued or important with him. I always gave excuses to justify his actions but fact is, I had no real place in his agenda. He is emotionally unavailable and the only person he cares for is HIMSELF.
I can just go back n see the patterns…his n mine. I feel pathetic and so not proud of myself. I feel like beating myself up…what did or do I lack that I bore so much crap from a man who has nothing, not even good looks! Lol…
Since a week, I have reached my patience n my limit threshold. For the first time I have not succumbed and accepted his shallow excuses and get in his bed. Today we were just some few km away, I didn’t contact him. Something that not so me! I felt empowered…but when I came home, depression took over me…like u say I still have feelings for him..,I can’t just switch it off…n the temptation to just text him to hear from him was really very strong. But just in time ur mail popped in. YOU SAVED ME NATASHA.
But I have a very trying day tomoro. I am seeing him in a meeting. I so want to go confidently and cool, without showing him my emotions …he is shrewd and he knows wat I feel for him…I want to go to the meeting and come home with dignity. And I am trying to prepare me mentally for that. Please pray for me that I dont succumb, that I do not get affected in case he plays the dirty trick of ignoring me to get me upset…
I will come back here tomoro..,hopefully to tell you that I am so proud of myself that I left him high n dry after the meeting and he clearly didn’t know wat hit him…lol…if not I guess it will b time that I reflect on my self esteem, self love and boundaries…
See u.
Happy holidays to u and to the tribe.

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Hi Hemlan!

I am so happy that the post helped 🙂 How did it go?? Happy Holidays to you too. You are so loved and supported. xo

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Thank you Natasha for a much needed reality check during this holiday season! Your articles have been life changing for me over these past few months, especially as I wrap up 2018 leaving behind one-sided toxic friendsh*ts that I thought I needed in my life. This past year has been challenging but I know sweeping away the “crumbs” will create space for new blessings next year!
Happy holidays to you from the PNW!

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YES.IT.WILL! Thank YOU Katie 🙂 for your support, love, and connection to my pain and experiences with this all.

I am so happy to help and hope that we can meet in person one day soon! This is going to be your year – You flushed and the sh*t is gone 🙂 XX

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“They weren’t worth the misdirected and delusional high of momentarily having the stage in a f*cktard-directed play that I was always a disposable character in.” wow – nailed my relationship with a former friend. While she claimed I was only around when it was convenient for me (far from the truth), I ALWAYS felt like I was disposable to her, because I was.

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Michelle, I have so been there too. Happy that the post helped. When I was writing that line, I LOL’d 🙂

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This was much-needed and thought-provoking reinforcement Natasha. I agree with everything you said.

Another parameter I would include when considering whether to cut someone off: what is your own role in facilitating the undesirable dynamic with the other person? Identifying what role we play is difficult. I’m reminded of a quote from John Entwistle about Keith Moon: “A lot of times when Keith was blowing up toilets I was standing behind him with the matches.” Hindsight has allowed me to recognize that I’ve handed the matches to a lot of people who have then blown things up (behaved toxic-ly). What does it mean, then, to “hand someone the matches?”

We hand someone the matches when we repeatedly choose intensity over intimacy in our relationships.

If your toxic partner annoys you (as he/she invariably will because toxic people can’t help but trespass over your boundaries) and you calmly tell he/she “I don’t like it when you [do this toxic behavior]. It makes me feel [devalued, etc.]” – that is intimacy. You’ve shared something about yourself and your feelings, which (should) improve the listener’s understanding of who you are and your boundaries. And importantly, you’ve avoided judging the other person and attempting to control them.

Contrast that with what I have often done, which is to choose intensity over intimacy. I lead with a judgment of the annoying behavior (“Your behavior is atrocious and narcissistic”) and then an overt bid for control (“if you don’t stop this, I don’t think we’ll be able to continue the relationship.”). I’m trying to get my partner to stop their toxic behavior – but I’m fighting toxic behavior with more toxicity.

Fighting toxicity with reciprocal toxicity will inherently lead to escalation. To borrow a paradigm from the nuclear arms control literature, using shame, judgment and threats of abandonment in interpersonal arguments is a (misbegotten) attempt at “escalation dominance.” We’re attempting to signal our partner that regardless of how heated the argument becomes, we will be able to “win” so they should “give up” (and behave in a way that makes us comfortable). The problem is that when cutting the other person off is part of your consideration set, that weapon is emotionally nuclear, and managing conflict escalation when nuclear weapons are involved is perilous. We usually end up climbing every rung of Herman Kahn’s ladder (in an emotional sense).

Cutting people off, in the responsible way you outline here, is still nuclear – but instead of “escalation dominance” it reflects the principle of “flexible response” – which is to deny confidence in the adversary’s ability to win. We don’t have to threaten, judge, shame or control if we’re being emotionally abused – we can always choose to walk away. But before we reach that threshold, I think it’s useful to wonder whether our own behavior is inherently escalatory to the intolerability of the relationship dynamic.

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This was interesting Brandon.
I love Natasha’s post but I do wonder whether I pushed my ex away and caused his frustration and withdrawal. Maybe I should have accepted him for who he was (non-affectionate, selfish, impulsive) and not get so irritated by it. Maybe my irritability was the match?
He had a diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder but I’m very careful not to blame him entirely.
I do cry daily though knowing his new girl is with him now he’s in a better and more settled place in his life ??

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Hi Lily,

The tricky thing about what I wrote in my comment is that it can tempt us to take on more responsibility than we should for what others say and do. I am sorry that you are hurting. When I’m hurting, I’m usually trying to do anything I can to not feel that way so I’m often willing to take on more responsibility for what others say and do because that gives me the illusion of control. Natasha and Lorelle have written many times before – what others do and say is their stuff. We may invite them to do and say those things with our own behavior, but ultimately they are responsible. So, please don’t take what I wrote to mean that we should be quick to shoulder blame for unacceptable behavior from others.

You mentioned acceptance…it’s an extremely powerful tool. It’s a magical serenity-inducing potion for any intolerable situation. But I think acceptance should be deployed in a manner consistent with our values. We do not have the power to change others, BUT we do get to choose what kind of relationship we want to have. Our needs matter. So if you needed a social partner and he wasn’t, it’s okay to be dissatisfied with that. You don’t have to accept it, because if you did you’d be ignoring your own needs while, signing up for a situation where you felt compelled to behave “perfectly” to coexist with that person. It’s not sustainable, and the most logical response is to do as Natasha suggests and cut that person off.

You have inherent worth. If your ex has found happiness in a new relationship (and there’s no guarantee he has…we never know what’s really going on between two other people), then it’s because he is with someone who likes being with an antisocial person. But if you don’t like being with antisocial people, there’s no reason to mourn the loss of that relationship. It would never meet your needs or be fulfilling. Be nice to yourself.

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Hi Brandon,
Thank you so much for taking time to reply. It was a great comment about acceptance but not ignoring our values.
In terms of my ex’s “antisocial personality disorder” it’s an actual diagnosis, not just a personality trait. It affects a persons behaviour but it can be hidden at the start of a relationship. I guess I stupidly am hoping that he will unfold to reveal his true self rather than have learnt from mistakes and improved himself for the new relationship. I deserved his accountability and effort ?

Hi Lily,

My understanding of antisocial personality disorder is that it’s difficult to treat and unlikely to go away. Ergo I’m sure your ex’s problems remain, and if they do, being free of your relationship with him is addition by subtraction. Whether he finds happiness with someone else is irrelevant – the important thing is that you’re free of being in a relationship with a personality-disordered person. Cutting off all contact with your ex and his life (as Natasha writes about here) is the self-loving thing to do.

<3 <3 <3 Agreed.

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Just when I think that it’s not humanly possible to love, respect, admire and agree with you any more than I already do… Thank you.

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Brandon,

YES YES YES! What an incredible addition to my post 🙂 Thank you! I could not agree more and the way you express yourself… I am just speechless. Your comments, additions, and input mean more to me than you’ll ever know. I love you so much, my dear friend. xox

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Hi Brandon wow everything you said just aligned with so much about how I feel about toxic relationships. I often used to get angry and badmouth the other person and talk about all the ways they had wronged me, and the other party always do the same. So then there’s this period of trying to figure who had really wronged who and I was starting to realize that both parties play a part and realizing my own role in toxic relationships and how I had to take responsibility. Do you have a blog or website I’d love to read more of your insights. That was just the most helpful thing I’ve read all year. And so is this site! It is really informative and beautiful. I’m trying to pull myself out of my own toxic relationships and it is really really hard. So trying to learn new strategies and new ways of dealing is hard. So I love that this site offers no bullish*t perspectives and advice. Thank you so much!

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Wow. Thanks Natasha. Another fantastic post ? Your strength is infectious, I bloody love it ! I’ve done the cut off it instinctively felt right. The guilt started slightly when I got texts that she missed me ( friend) I said I was busy. I’m godmother for her child and I am dreading the prospect of going to deliver the gift ! I want to retain my distance. I absorbed everything you said in this post and what stuck was putting ourselves first, when I look back I stuck around too long ! Thanks for your wisdom and inspiration ? I wish you and your a family a lovely holiday ❤️?XXX

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So happy it helped! Thanks Jules 🙂 That’s a tough situation but I know you’ll stay on your white horse and maintain healthy boundaries. I believe in you. Wishing you and yours a Happy Holidays too and a beautiful, peaceful & healthy New Year. All my love to you sister. xxxx

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Hi Natasha, With the Holidays upon us, this is exactly what I needed to read. Explaining to Toxic people who can’t communicate and play the victim of how I feel was completely pointless because they just didn’t care. I still struggle with how I handled things at the end, but I accept that today and have taken responsibility for that. Obviously I have to create my own closure because I can’t get it from that person , but it still boggles my mind eight month’s later how I was discarded like trash and given the silent treatment. I know it’s not me and that person self sabotaged and ran, but it still hurts. I pray for indifference because this has been the biggest mind fuck I have ever been through. I definitely need to remind myself of her actions the last few month’s of the relationship and the fact that I couldn’t even get five minutes of conversation with a woman I gave a hundred percent too along with her child that I cared about. I need to be empathetic, compassionate and caring to myself, but still wish the best for her because I really don’t want to carry resentment. Here’s to indifference in 2019. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

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Brandon – I see a lot of what I went thru with my ex in your post. I can feel your pain my friend. I wish I had the answer for you and some words of wisdom. All I can say is that there is no easy way thru this. You have to give yourself time and understand that everything she did had NOTHING to do with you or who you are. Yes she did self sabotage and run. Its easier for them to do this when they can’t face the mess they created and the people they have hurt. We are their mirrors as Natasha says and they can’t stand their reflection. We are the truth they can’t face or deal with or take responsibility for. Understand that she will never be at peace with herself or find true happiness inside until she accepts herself for who she truly is. And no matter who she is with she will keep repeating the same patterns. You deserve better…. we all do!!
Big hugs Brandon . You are never alone here.
Hope you have a wonderful Christmas.
xxxxx
#whitehorsewarriors

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I love this <3 Thank you for existing Vicki. My Mom sends her love and deepest condolences to you for your loss. We love you. #whitehorsewarriors

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oh Brady… I’m sorry. I meant to type Brady not Brandon in my reply to your post. ?

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Brady,

I was thinking of you when I wrote this and I hope you know just how much your comment has/will help and inspire so many to forgive themselves and stay strong. You are not alone in this and by sticking to No Contact, indifference WILL begin to set in. She discarded you because she has already discarded herself long before you came into the picture.

I am so grateful for you and feel so blessed to know you Brady. Merry Christmas to you and your family too, my friend. You are so loved.

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Natasha I can’t begin to tell you what a godsend finding your blog has been! You just get it. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your experiences & for creating this amazing supportive tribe ❤️ Merry Christmas!

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Thank YOU Alisha for affirming that I am not/was never alone. I am so happy to help! Merry Christmas to you and yours. Love you sister. XOX

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Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Natasha!

This is an amazing post. I am post 2 months of leaving the job and him behind. It had been over for a year, but knowing I will never hear or see him again brings me peace. I left with my dignity intact. I said bye to everyone including him, and we wished each other good luck. And that was it.
Best of luck to him, his new wife, and the women he decides to use. I’m no longer one of them.

I am focused on other things now, although I do wake up from nightmares about him. Nightmares where I texted him or asked about him or tried to find him, when I awaken it is such a relief to realize I did not actually do this. Almost like PTSD? This might be an interesting topic you could help shed light on.

Anyway, thank you for being amazing and sharing your gift. I wish you and this tribe peace and health and happiness in the New Year!
xox Christine

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Merry Christmas Christine! I am happy for you that you have left him and that job behind. Wishing you nothing but good things and peace as you move forward.
xxx
??????

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Thank you Vicki!
I wish you strength, happiness and healing in this New Year!

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Hi Christine!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you too sis 🙂

I’m so glad that the post served you and yes, I have been there with the dreams. Hopefully this helps:

https://postmalesyndrome.com/dreaming-about-an-ex/

Thank you for being a part of this tribe and for your continued love, friendship and support. It means everything to me and I hope that we can meet in person soon! xoxo

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Natasha – I have read this post many times and it brings me to tears. I don’t know why this is so hard for me to cut off the things and people in my life who have hurt me or who have been toxic in one way or another. I guess I keep telling myself that there is still some good in them… or that they don’t mean to be the way they are? As you have said in another post that we can’t hold onto what people’s intentions may or may not be. We have to look at their actions and who they have proven to be time and time again. Maybe its fear that makes it hard to let go of them completely. Like somehow they will change and become better if I stop caring and walk away? How silly is that! I know we don’t have that kind of power over people… but still this is where my mind still goes… the “what if”.

So much has happened over this past year plus. My life has had many heartbreaks and disappointments and I don’t know how I’m getting thru it but I guess everyday brings new hope. Maybe its my faith that things will not always be the way they are forever…
I have had a lot of time to think about changes I need and want to make that I have been putting off for too long or made excuses why I can’t. I am working on that. There are goals I have set for myself that are attainable if I just get out of my own way.

You already know how much I love you and this blog. This place has saved me many many times from falling of my horse. I carry your words with me inside. They are reminders when I need them and comfort when I am feeling lost.

I wish you and the tribe love and peace this Christmas.
We all have got each other here. No one is ever alone.
xxxxxxxx
❤?❤?☃️?❄?????❤
#whitehorsewarriors

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Vicki, I am in tears. Thank you, just THANK YOU. I love you too and am looking so forward to that lunch with you, my Mom, Lorelle, and Linda.

I will write more on how to take the edge off of the pain of having to cut people off. It’s something that I used to really struggle with.

Thank you for being such a light for us ALL. I think of you every day and am sending you so much love. Believe in my belief in you and keep going toward your goals. Love you and hope to meet in person in 2019 🙂 xo

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Sometimes I just really need your wise words to keep staying on my white horse. You NAILED IT with this post. Thank you, Natasha! I could copy / paste it all but this….

THIS! It proceeds it ALL:
Keep in mind that if you have to debate whether or not to cut someone out of your life, that in and of itself is a pink flag at best and a red one at worst. And flags are not there for you to put your rose-colored glasses on so that you can be blind to their color. They are there as signals to ACT in light of the sheer self-respect and love that you have for yourself.

All of the confusion is suddenly CLEAR! You don’t have to “wonder”….

And I’m reminded of a quote from another one of your posts that I saved – “You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened….. or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” – Tupac Shakur

I have moved on…. but in rare weak moments, when I find myself looking back, I have posts like these to remind me to keep looking forward and KNOW that I’m choosing a better future for myself and the people in my life by cutting the toxic people out of my life for good. Even if they “cut me out” first, I can cut them out EMOTIONALLY. And that DOES make a huge difference in how I live my life and respect myself even if they never know. I loved your peacock example lol…. that was totally me BEFORE. The white horse exit is so classy – I’m sticking TO IT, thanks to YOU… and our tribe! ?

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LOVE YOU KP! 🙂 So happy that the post helped and endlessly grateful for you. Thank you for being here and for being you.

YES! This is going to be YOUR year. So proud of and happy for you. xox

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Hi Lily!

Thank you so much for taking the time to share and for your love, connection, and support – It means everything to me <3 Thank you for being a part of this tribe.

I am so happy for, inspired by, and in awe of you. Truly. You HAVE boundaries and you had the willpower to do what most could not and close your own door when you are in the most emotionally triggered and heartbroken state (especially around the holidays). You are never alone.

Thank you for existing and for being the light that you are. I have an incredible PDF/Audio course on No Contact if you ever need one, but it sounds like you got this 🙂 All my love to you soul sister! xx

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I read this post when it first was published and I’ve come back to it again and again. You just hit the nail on the head with every.single.word. I’m so close to the ‘holy grail of indifference’ that I can taste it and it feels incredible! Of course there are some days I still feel invested in this person, but the majority of the days I can look at him and the situation with clear eyes and not through the romantic filter I had for so long. It has taken a llooonnngg time to get to this point….if I looked at myself 1, 2, 3 years ago I would have never thought it possible. Your blog is honestly the driving force behind it. When I was feeling low or doubting myself, doubting his manipulations and I had no where and no one to turn to, I would come back here and read. And reread. And feel so empowered and confident by your words. I can’t thank you enough Natasha! You have such a gift and I hope for continued success for you in the future, it is so deserved! Xxoo

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Dear Natasha,

My relationsh*t ended in an apparently nice and “friendly” way, ie no fights, no tears, no blaming each other, nothing. If and when he texts or even calls (because I think he will, more sooner than later) is it okay if I reply them in a superficial way? Does this still comply with cutting them off if I keep it all just polite but never personal? Will they get the vibe? It’s super important for me that they understand I don’t want to get involved with them ever again and that I’m okay with being civil with each other but nothing more than that. I wouldn’t like them to read into my cold replies that I just fell off my white horse.

Thank you!

xx

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