65 comments

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Hey Nat, 🙂

Thank You for trying so hard to help us , to save us the time, the energy , the emotional investment in the wrong people…..
I really liked the description You gave ‘reverse narcissism’. I totally recognized me there.

Just like You did, i am spending so much time analyzing , overthinking the behaviour and what my ex did to me and why he did it etc….am reading over and over again Your posts because the constant fear of him to change , or actually be the person my SOUL FELT he was (my soul thought he is my soulmate) ….keeps coming up in my mind and i’m looking so desperate for something that my SOUL will finally accept and understand that he won’t change. The hardest thing.

Can this post relate also to someone who : when it gets too hard he is trying to avoid taking the responsibility and left the important decisions on me? Someone who when i prove my statements about something to be true starts crying cause he had no other choice or arguments to say. Who when it gets hard… i felt .. somehow….it was better and easier for him to give up even if the price was to lose me? Someone who is looking for the easiest way out and trying not to push himself to hard accept when its for his own stuffs. Someone who once told me ” we are on the same boat” , but when his life started getting better, moved to a bigger city and found a new EASIER option ,( girl who was living there ) didn’t tell me anything till the moment i asked him ( because in case it hasn’t worked out with her he would come to me again ( i have proofs about that 🙂 ) .And someone who after did that ( he has no idea i actually know everything ) became cold , and ”brave” ( because everything with his new girl was already okay ) telling me that we are wayyy to different ( after 2 year relationship) and he is leaving me for my own good…..

I am not sure whether what i have described is the so called narcissistic type…or is just one coward who will NOT change as well and will always put him on first place ….i do not know whether he is narcissist…but i start believing he is just so nasty 🙂 …..and i do not want to blame actually….i just want my soul and mind to finally find peace, feel indifferent and knowing with sure he wont change…..

Thank You once again

Kind Regards,
Sandy

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Hi Sandy! I am so happy that the post served you 🙂 Prioritizing your peace is the best gift you could ever give yourself. We are all behind you 1000%. Love you soul sister. xx

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This story sounds so familiar Sandy. He’s a narcissist. Be free.
~N. {Atlanta}

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This came at the right time.

I was coming out of the gym and taking a break before my hot yoga class and decided to check onto Instagram – and it has been ages since I’ve been on the social media grid but I thought ‘oh why not? lets see what other people are posting’.

After a few moments I came across a pic posted by a friend from back in the day. It was a group selfie. Herself, random dude, random girl and HIM.

This pic was the first reminder of his existence that I have been exposed to in months since we FINALLY parted ways after a brutal breakup that culminated in him cheating on me because I, at the time, was having a hard time dealing with the passing of a close friend and was falling apart and was turning to him for emotional support.

In that time, I’ve been charging forward with my life and moving on. The times where his face/memory pop into my mind are few and far between. I’m too busy making strides in my career, travelling, focusing on my new social circle (I like to call them my tribe), becoming a devout yogi and pushing my body to the limits in terms of physical fitness. Life has been overall great and I’ve settled into a very content, centred and satisfying space where I am enjoying all the gifts of having a wonderful relationship with myself. Safe to say that after roughly one year since what’s-his-face dumped me on the same night he told me he cheated on me and stormed out of my apartment for good, I’ve bounced back.

And YET, all it took was that one picture and I knee-jerked back into pining, sadness, feeling less-than and wondering what-I-did-wrong-to-lose-someone-like-him.

Now the good thing was that after a fantastic yoga class I snapped out of it. But it just goes to show the power that emotionally unavailable narcissists can have and the havoc they can wreak if you allow them to. My last relationship was a classic example of ignoring red flags, door-matting for someone that had no trouble dumping their shit-covered boots on me time and time again and all the while feeling like I was not being a good enough boyfriend and believing there was something inherently wrong with me.

This post came at exactly the right moment for me but I also want to add that ANYTIME (and I say this to myself too because man oh man do I need to hear it on my worst days) you start pining for someone that treated you and made you feel less-than and you start wondering “why-wasn’t-I-good-enough”, “why did he/she leave me….” it is an indication that you need to flip the script and ask yourself these questions in terms of your relationship with you! Don’t waste time wondering why he/she left you instead think more about why did you allow someone so empathetically devoid to come into your life causing you to abandon yourself? Don’t fret over ‘why wasn’t I good enough?’ but focus more on ‘how can I be good enough for myself and what steps do I need to take to make that happen?’.

Take every question or ‘what-if’ that you apply to your ex and ask it of yourself. That is what I did and even though I still have my moments where I will knee-jerk back into feeling less-than, I just remind myself that I need to refocus my energies from my ex (which is a complete waste of time) onto myself (a fantastic investment of time).

Oh and maybe stay off Insta for a bit 🙂

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This is great advice! I’m so happy to hear of your progress.

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AGREED 🙂

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Im am not sure how to categorize my ex, I was with him on and of for 15 years. I was the one that gave him a one way ticket back to his state twice, But the drinking and Drugs and mind games were ridiculous, But as I have come to realize he is exactly like my father, just not as extreme, no physical abuse or torcher. But the lies just flowed out of his mouth and he was a very smooth talker even though he was very insecure with himself, but he did love himself more than anything or anyone in his life including his children. He would take longer than me to get ready and would always stare at himself in any mirror. But he had no problem with me having more money than him accually he wanted me to pay for everything. I have realized that he knew the right things to say but he never did nor did he do the right things. He would throw me under the bus for everything he did wrong and because I tried to protect this broken little boy I let him get away with it until I didn’t and that is when I seen the evil come out. He stole from me and he was constantly looking for things to do to me for payback, This sick person stole my dead dogs remains and a bear collection and blocked my number after 15 years. He now lives in his oldest daughters basement and this house belongs to his ex-wife that he left her for me, but they continue to protect him. He has byracial grandchildren and he refers to them with the N word his youngest daughter accused him of molesting her when she was younger and he calls her a whore, but his oldest daughter that acted more like the mother and wife protects her father. And I have seen a daughter that had an inappropriate relationship with there father continue this sick behavior even after they were grown and married. I forgot to mention that his children would not speak to him for 10 yrs after the divorce from the mother, and yes I know he has put all the blame on me. I have heard the stories that he has told people about me…Because of my childhood I suffer from PTSD , server depression and anxiety and I was in counseling when I met him and I had become so much better, until he started playing mind games with me. The reason I tolerated this crap for so long was the night I met him our eyes locked for one second and I heard “You are going to marry him” I had never had that experience before , I thought finally I found my forever. But it was my worse nightmare, the list of things that I forgave him for is enough for a book. After trying to celebrate his birthday he actually threw my car in park took my keys and ran down the road and caught a cab to go back to my Condo pack his things and ran back to the state he was from. We had been married for a year and half by this time, But he left me in the middle of downtown in heels, dress, mink coat in a Mercedes. Yes I filed for a divorce and did go thru with it but I was in such a state of shock for months, I couldn’t function. And months down the road I did take him back even though I never got an explanation for his behavior, and sadly that was only the beginning of the nightmare. But I did notice he wouldn’t let go of his ex, but I don’t think it was because he still loved her I believe it was more like a Mother child relationship. They both told me they had not slept together or had sex the last 10 years he was there, but she let him stay in the basement when he was in town. So needless to say I am still very angry and have no closure and I’m sure I will never get any but I want to keep him from doing this to another woman that will go broke like I did trying to support him and his drug problem. And No I don’t think Karma will get him, this man steals and lies on a daily bases but people look in his blue eyes and he just walks away with no price to pay . I have contacted his family and asked them to return my things, I told them if you want me to go away then give me my things he stole from me and I will know he will have nothing of mine to try and get back into my life, but they just ignore me. I know the things can be replaced but I do plan on taking all of them to court to show them these are my things and if you choose to protect him you choose to pay the price, and I payed a hefty price because of this Sociopath for years. Honestly this is person that deserves to be in jail for the rest of his pathetic life. And I can actually prove the illegal things he has done but no one wants to hear me. Im in my middle 50’s and I have no problem getting a man’s attention, but I can’t find a real man out there. A man that wants to be a man not a little boy, or a drunk,drug addict, I am a very strong woman with my own thoughts and opinions. But I have other woman trying to know me down and be the quite shy person I was for many years, I find it sad that I cannot find strong women to support me, and yes I see a counselor every week, but I refuse to let this issue go until I feel that I have put some type of road block up for this disgusting person. And he would still be with me but I threw him out when I found drugs hidden in the bathroom and stopped sleeping with him for the last 5 years. He is a very confusing person to totally pinpoint with one lable , he didn’t have a problem marrying me but he did have a problem with being a supportive man. He would never let me say anything against his ex even thought he called her lots of names, I was not allowed to say anything against anyone he knew, he would tell me to shut up. And I did see the two sides of him he worked construction but never spoke the vulgar language around me, but I did over hear him one time with his coworkers until he seen me and he switched behavior. Everything he did he had a reason behind it or a motive. He expects the world to be handed to him on a silver plater and never having to work for it. I would love to put up a website just for him so maybe everyone would come together and stop him . I recently called the company he worked for and is now seeing for workmans comp to explain his injuries were from his bad behavior of drug use and alcohol abuse and falling down run injuring himself. I don’t think I stopped it but I do think I stopped him from getting anymore money, I have tried just about everything to push his buttons to force him to give me my things back, like the remains of my deceased dog. Seriously what kind of person steels the remains of your dog??? I would love to hear what other woman think , but please don’t beat me up I have been the enough. Thanks

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LOVE this. So, so true that it’s so easy to just slip back into thinking “I’m not enough.” I’m hopeful that answering the questions you proposed, and in the process, changing those things will eventually get us to a place where we not only “understand” that we are enough but we’ll actually FEEL it. Thanks for sharing ❤️

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Right?? SO good! 🙂

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I cannot thank you enough for sharing this nor even being to express how many people you have helped through your honesty, vulnerability, empathy, and pain. You are loved, supported, understood, and believed in always. Thank you so much – Glad the post helped 🙂 xx

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Hi Natasha
It’s like you can read my mind. You know exactly what is troubling me and then comes your post and addresses that exact same issue. Thanks so much. Your posts, support, words, interaction, sessions we had mean that world to me. I don’t feel alone because you exist.
Thanks for addressing if narcissists ever change. I was wondering if they are happy people. Considering they are not even aware of their character flaws they could very well be happy.
Love
Meg

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This makes me tear up. I love and miss you so much Meg. Thank you for being the angel and the light that you are. Happy that the post helped! 🙂 xx

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Hi Sandy
I have been thru a very similar experience and trust me this guy is emotionaly unavailable to say the least. Based on every thing you have written he seems to be a narcissist as well. He will follow the same pattern with this new girl, just give it time.
In my case he did not exactly come back to me but indicated he was bored of the new girl but could not afford to have another failed relationship. He wanted a fuck buddy in me 🙁
You are better off without him. Karma will get back to him, you don’t need to do anything.
Be strong and keep reading Nats posts. Don’t get triggered.
Love
Meg

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I love seeing this LOVE and SUPPORT <3

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Natasha, and fellow readers,
I’m so grateful for all of you. Ever since I began reading PMS, my life has already changed for the better! I am much happier now, thank you so very much. And I also agree- just yesterday I was thinking about my narcissistic sweetheart, if he will ever truly appreciate me or change/adjust some of his ways to give back the emotional support that I give to him. I have hope. I truly love this man, he has done so much for me and he’s just a broken little boy on the inside. Thanks to you, Natasha, I have evaded his gaslighting B.S. and refuse to let him make me feel bad about anything when I’m confident that I am not in the wrong. However, if I do make a mistake, I treat him how I want to be treated and I will sit and listen, calmly, without reaction. I respond, instead.
Again, I am so grateful for finding PMS and have passed it along to others, in hopes that they will find peace and be able to live happier, like me. I was a Psychology major in college and I enjoy it very much. People have always reached out to me for advice and guidance when they have a problem. But now I realize that I am not able to help everyone like I want to. Not yet anyway. I still have a ton of learning to do and will continue to be a happy reader of PMS! I am still growing, myself, and have a family to be momma to. I have a narcissistic sweetheart that demands attention, too, and I figuring out my life all over again. I feel confident and strong and will continue to be an avid reader through my growth as a whole new woman! Thanks again!

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Hi Sarah!

I am so happy and honored to have helped (even more so given your major; that is incredible).

Your self awareness, empathy, ability to be vulnerable, honesty and ability to FEEL through this will serve you in spades when it comes to healing, dealing and evolving.

Thank you for your love. Thank you for your support, and for being a part of this tribe. Love you sister. xo

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Hi everyone
I don’t comment much but this blog has helped me tremendously in my dealing with this hurtful n exhausting relationship I was in just a week back. I am still trying to figure out if my ex was a narcissist but he was defintely EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE.
We started really on a high note and he didn’t lost time to show me how he was not invested in the relationship. We would get have issues and I would be the one to get things on track. He was always moody and would say – it’s not YOU but ME, as explanation when I would ask what was the matter. And again I would make things get on track. Would help him financially and would be at his beck and call. I would excuse his insensibility for his unloving and difficult childhood and his clumsiness because everybody expresses and shows care and feelings blabla differently.
Now that I come to sit n let my brain work instead of hormones and unreasonable heart…I realize that this man was never ever there for me at all, be it in my joy and forget my sorrows. Never got a single token of gift or symbol of love from him…
I put him on the PEDESTAL! But today after 15 months, it’s done! The camel back is finally broken! I found out he wanted to use me financially and had lied shamelessly about his financial issues,
I didn’t confront him. I just told him that I know about the lie. He texted twice. Lying again. I never replied. And since then nothing!
First time we had got without contact for a week, and I know it’s finally OVER. I won’t lie. I am missing this f*tard. My phone rings or beeps n my heart skips a beat. Sometimes I just feel s lump in my throat at the mere thought of him. I know he won’t contact and won’t apologize or accept that he has lied and anted to use me. Why will he? I was the one who always went to him whether I was at fault or no.
I won’t go this time. I won’t text or contact. I will rant here…I hope the pain stops soon coz it really hurts.
What do you gals think? Have I done right by going silent and leaving things to fold? Do u think this guy is a narcissist or just emotionally unavailable?
Thank you for reading my rant.
Love u all.

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I am so happy that the posts have helped 🙂 You are not alone in this. I think you did the right thing by going no contact. Wish that I had the time to write more (thanks for understanding). The other readers are here to support you. All my love to you Hemlan. XOXO

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Thank you Natasha! I am definitely a reverse narcissist…I’m currently dealing with the pain of seeing my emotionally unavailable fucktard relive his honeymoon phase with a new girl. Apparently he went away with her this long weekend, while I was in pain remembering how we were at around the same time last year…I don’t know how he is able to develop the same level of warmth, chemistry, connection, comfort with each and every woman he sets his eyes on and goes on to date, while I can’t get myself to even smile at a guy who approaches me and I don’t even have the energy to consider dating-the thought of finding someone new is actually exhausting, while he is reliving the same story with a different person from start to finish (I have been through three to four cycles of watching him with a new girl after me and keep wondering if the new one might be the girl he finally ends up with). This experience with him has messed me up so much that I find myself wondering if there is any point in dating anymore. I hope I can eventually move on from him and this experience and reach a point of indifference to what he does and who he dates. Thank you for helping me make sense of this mess that I am in. It is because of you and our girl tribe that I feel like a stronger person though still a long way from moving on..

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Hello Tanya. Fellow (recovering) reverse narcissist over here! 🙋‍♀️

I felt compelled to respond to something you wrote – “I don’t know how he is able to develop the same level of warmth, chemistry, connection, comfort with each and every woman he sets his eyes on and goes on to date” …I think it’s important and helpful to keep in mind that sometimes we project those things you mentioned – warmth, chemistry, a CONNECTION onto other people because that’s how we feel about them. If your ex was emotionally unavailable, he did not have the capacity (as Natasha has written a lot about on here) to truly emotionally connect. In a sense, he wasn’t invested in you the same way you were invested in him. That’s why it APPEARS to you that it’s so easy for him to date new people. It might be painful to realize this but it’s also very liberating when you work your way towards acceptance (and I get that it’s anything but a linear process!) – you’ll see though that what he did was never really about you. I read an analogy recently about how some people – despite what they so desperately try to portray on social media – are about as deep as puddles, which made me giggle. That may have been your only “role” in all of this – mistaking a puddle for an ocean. And that’s what we should continuously bring ourselves back to – how did we not see? Were there any signs? How did I get broadsided by someone’s character? Because those are the only answers that matter. Getting the answers to those questions (as opposed to the gazillion we can have about an ex) will actually be useful to you since YOU can do something about you because YOU control you.

I think deep down you already have the answer about your ex anyway. You also wrote “he is reliving the same story with a different person from start to finish (I have been through three to four cycles of watching him with a new girl after me and keep wondering if the new one might be the girl he finally ends up with)” – you already KNOW this is a pattern of behavior with him. And you said it yourself – it’s the honeymoon period and he’s been through this cycle THREE TO FOUR times already. I’m starting to feel a little sad for the “girl he finally ends up with” quite frankly. If it’s through social media that you’re witnessing your ex and his new dates now, trust me when I say you don’t need to keep watching reruns of “it’s a f*cktard’s world and we’re all just living in it” any more times to “verify” or “confirm” that he hasn’t changed. You already KNOW.

Please do NOT give up on dating. An emotionally unavailable ex should NOT be the last guy you love. Keep reading here and every time you see a new social media post or get a whiff of info about the next girl – just remind yourself of the truth of what you experienced because that’s the REAL story.

Much love to you Tanya! xo

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Thank you Amy for the words of encouragement…I KNOW and am so aware that I shouldn’t be stalking his social media…This usually happens during those days that I wonder why me? What was wrong with me that he couldn’t commit? And I should be smarter now and understand that he is never going to change no matter which girl he dates, even if he gets married and ends up with someone…Physically I am at my best right now and career wise as well but emotionally, I don’t know why I keep putting myself through this cycle of pain over and over again, just to see what it is in the next girl that he never saw in me…In the beginning he was all super excited, we were seeing each other alot, he started talking kids and weddings after month 2, yes some major future faking from his side…and I just got carried away, since he came across as so commitment oriented and he was kind of goofy and funny and child-like himself, so I would never have suspected him as being emotionally unavailable…Now I am aware of how he operates, and I witness his dating life on my FB feed…so I see the same scenario being played out over and over again, and wonder if this is it for him, till it isn’t…and then rinse, lather, repeat…I have thankfully stayed on my white horse and not responded..so as far as he is concerned, it appears as if I don’t care or have moved on (He even comments on some of my profile pictures to which I thank him politely)…But internally, yes it is painful and I don’t know what is going to trigger me into moving on and rebuilding my faith in men and love again…Thank you Amy, for putting things into perspective for me…I need to printout your response and read it over and over again, till I am able to self-talk my way out of his “cycles”….they are usually a very anxious time for me and I don’t know why I do it to myself lol..I might be a masochist..:)…xoxoxox…You made my morning 🙂

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Awww, happy to make your morning 👯💕 And I totally get it about feeling like a masochist. Self-torture is what we reverse narcissists do best. I think sometimes we use pain as a way to remain connected to someone. But think about what you’re actually connecting to – it’s who you thought they were, a hologram, a projection. And if fb is your “drug of choice” for doing this, understand that just exacerbates the problem because social media is image management central. That’s ground zero of where holograms and projections are manufactured. I’ve definitely been guilty of this – using my pain as a way to connect to a figment of my imagination. And just realizing the ridiculousness of that has helped me a lot. If you’re going to use your pain to connect to anything, use it to connect with yourself. At least you’ll come up with some answers that way. You clearly see that you are choosing to put yourself through this, so why not choose something else? I know it’s easy for me to just say that but seriously. You can choose to not contribute to your own pain anymore. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you can. You CAN. Life is tough is enough – no need to pile on yourself. The anxiety you talk about is understandable because you’re watching and thinking about something that you have no control over (again, a reverse narcissist’s specialty). It’s the basis of all anxiety, but here’s the good news – you ARE in control.

Please give unfriending/blocking a good honest try. I think you’ll feel so much better without regular helpings of f*cktard kicks to the heart. You’ll emotionally catch up to your physical and work life. It’s like Natasha says, you can’t move towards a better future when you’re “what if-ing” the past, which is what invariably happens if your source of pain is plastered on your fb feed. It’s like a never-ending loop of one step forward, two steps back. And while I’m at it – let me just say, this guy should not have such easy access to your life if nothing else. Don’t give him the pleasure of even “polite” responses when he comments on what you post (I can’t be certain, but his commenting strikes me as chain-yanking). Maybe in the beginning you’ll feel panicked that you can’t see what’s going on in his life but think of it like healing a physical wound. When you get a bad scrape, your body starts the healing process from the inside out. You see the outer layer of skin die, scab over, and eventually fall off, leaving the newly formed skin underneath with some scarring depending on the severity of the wound. Sometimes during the scab-forming stage, you’ll feel an itch underneath that you want to scratch very badly (aka ‘checking up’ on the ex), BUT just ask yourself: does scratching the crap out of my scabbed up wound actually help me? Of course not – you wind up with a partially ripped off scab and oftentimes, the wound starts to bleed again (aka obsessing, more cyberstalking, wondering what he sees in her, jumping down the “I’m not enough” pit of despair, etc.)

So what does help the itch? Some ice. Not because it gives you the same kind of ‘satisfaction’ that comes from scratching an itch but because it SOOTHES. It shuts the itch down, as opposed to intensifying the need to scratch which itching generally does. That’s what you need to do for yourself mentally and emotionally if you feel an itch coming on to stalk again. You need to soothe yourself with what you experienced in reality, with what you know about emotional unavailability, with self-awareness of what’s triggering you, with the reminder that nothing but a boatload of pain is waiting for you on the other side of that click, with Natasha’s words, with doing something else that genuinely brings you joy (not just momentary distraction), with telling yourself new things – replace those thoughts of “must find out what does he see in her” with Tarane’s brilliant words: “What am I doing TO myself vs. what am I doing FOR myself?” It’s a process that I’m definitely working through myself but what I can tell you is that it WORKS. Practice this kind of mental redirection and your mind/heart WILL soak it up. It just takes time and practice, and not beating yourself up if you have a difficult moment, day, or week. It’s hard and challenging for sure, but I’ve been able to find gratitude even for that by hanging onto this realization: if any of this sh*t were easy, no self-respect would develop. And self-respect is what we need to shore up in order to love ourselves in a way that allows us to truly FEEL loved from within.

You got this! xoxo

P.S. Totally agree that talking about weddings and kids the second month in would qualify as a big fat future faking red flag. You already understand you dodged a bullet, now inch yourself towards indifference where you can FEEL it.

Thank you so much again Amy for taking the time to talk me through my self-imposed torture! xoxox…

“And if fb is your “drug of choice” for doing this, understand that just exacerbates the problem because social media is image management central. That’s ground zero of where holograms and projections are manufactured” …Love it, This line is pure gold! 🙂 and so true, this man has actually started attending church on Sundays..He has been posting hymns from the bible and taking pics of himself and the girl at church fairs and lunches…This is a man who had always considered himself for spiritual than religious and in fact complained that most of the christians he knew were raging bible beaters..I unfollowed him today because it was becoming too painful to watch..Hopefully I will eventually reach a point where the thought of unfriending/unblocking him is not as painful..I am sure that will come soon, with your support and that of the other women in our girl tribe!….Thank you so much Amy! Much love to you!!

Xoxoxo
Tanya

YOU are incredible my friend. Thank you for existing. xoxo

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I love you and that golden heart of yours Amy <3

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Tanya, I am in tears. Thank YOU for being a part of this tribe – I’m so happy to help and we are all here for you.

I know how hard it is; I’ve been there.

Keep coming back here to the blog, prioritize your peace, have your own back, and just know that we all support and love you.

You are never alone. All my love to you soul sister. XOXO

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Thank you so much Natasha! It’s because of beautiful, caring women like you, Lorelle and Amy among the other women in our girl tribe, that I feel that I am not alone and can get through this painful time! I feel stronger because of you girls and your support! Much love to you! xoxoxo

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I hope that we can all get together one day 🙂 You are so loved Tonya. xoxo

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This resonates with me; I have been on an emotional yet scary journey – have endured very painful but necessary lessons, traumatic experiences for me personally; The healing is taking time, but I am starting to understand and see the light. For me, I think this journey has been necessary for me to heal from this madness and to dig deeper within to discover I really am an amazing person and deserve better; this has made me stronger than I realized; it has helped me understand and value myself so much more….definitely a positive step in the right direction.

Thanks for this Natasha; felt like you were writing this with me in mind!! You have been an amazing support and friend.
xo Christina

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I love you so much Christina 🙂 Happy that the post served you.

You are never alone. xo

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Seriously Natasha! I concur with everyone…it’s like you know when we need you most. I have been so doing well with a break up from a year ago from a guy that I dated on and off for 6 years…he ended it over a non-descript text and immediately started dating the woman that he has now bought a home with and appears to be living the perfect life. While my logical brain knows it’s all probably BS…my insecure brain and heart asks why not me. And while it’s nearly been a year, and I am mostly doing well, there are days that my insecurity gets the better of me and today is one of those days. This was such an awesome reminder that a good person, despite how much or how little they feel for you, would NEVER end a six year relationship over a text. I know I’m better off without him but, you know how it is…’reverse narcissism’ (such an awesome term).

Your blog (I’ve told you this before) came to me when I really needed it the most. I’m so grateful for you…and grateful isn’t really even a strong enough word. I know you must have gone through so much pain to get to where you are now but (I know you already know this) you are truly helping people with your words. I share your blog with everyone woman I know who is dating or going through a break-up.

Thank you so much,
xo
Stephanie H.

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Stephanie H,

“Thank you,” will never be enough in expressing my gratitude and appreciation for YOU. That is the greatest gift you could ever give me – sharing the blog with others going through pain. I am so happy that the post helped <3 Love you. I am in tears. Re-read your beautiful message a few times. Thank you from the bottom of my heart sister. xx

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Natasha it always blows me away not only how much insight you have into this topic, but your incredible way of writing about it.

“If you have to orchestrate humanity of out someone, that’s not a signal to get out your saxophone. It’s a signal to fold.”
I honestly laughed for several minutes straight. So well put.

“Value your peace more than you value crumbs from someone who doesn’t even know what a loaf is.”
Just wow.

These articles are like a lifeline. Thank you so much.

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LOL 🙂 Glad you had as much fun reading it as I did writing it! Thanks Katharine! BIG love and hugs to you from LA. XOXOXO

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Natasha,
This was incredible! I was starting to feel guilty for finally being in a place of indifference. These people always come back around, it is like they have some sick radar that alerts them when you are finally in a good place, and they just can’t bear the thought of you being genuinely happy and secure without them. Most of us are taught to see the best in others and want to believe everyone is capable of change. I can say from experience, these people do not change. I once thought that my ex would be a better friend, and husband in his next relationship because I obviously lacked something that he was able to find in someone else. That is absolutely 100% not true, these types of people will never be happy with anyone because deep inside they are not happy with themselves. My ex will have everyone believe that he is happier without me, that I was the unstable one, and that being with me was a burden but when I look at his life and how drastically it has changed since he left me, I realize its all a front. He now lives with his mother, who completely enables him. He is a 40-year-old man that is completely content with living on a couch and being told how amazing he is on a daily basis. He now has no health insurance because I cut him off, and he works a part-time job with no real drive to attain to anything greater but believe me he still has a harem of women who would die for his attention. I am not saying all of this to put him down, I am sharing this because Narcissists love to make people believe that their life is so much more amazing once you are out of it but in my experience, they tend to take steps backwards in their emotional development and growth. No mature, rational person would want to go backwards, they grow from each experience. Anyway, sorry for the lengthy comment, I hope my experience can shed light on what someone else may be going through. The only true defence in dealing with these individuals is no contact, moving on and creating a happy life for yourself.

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Thank you so much for sharing! So happy that the post helped! 🙂 Love you RC! XO

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Hey Meg , 🙂

Maybe I didn’t wrote it in the right way…..No he haven’t back to me ,but he would if nothing worked out with that girl …he just left… let’s say “ a opened door “ to me….like waiting to see whether everything will be okay with her …if not he would stay with me waiting for the next easier option.

Thank You for taking your time to comment and the support. 🙂

Blessings,
Sandy

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RC,
seriously with the radar. It’s so twisted. I went through hell emotionally and physically and am finally bouncing back and what happens- a phone call yesterday from a number I didn’t recognize ( because I deleted his number when I finally had my last straw 2 months ago!) and bam it’s him saying I heard you weren’t feeling well, I would like how things ended between us to change ( the ending was him calling me a crazy b*tch and hanging up on me) , and let’s go for coffee and be friends. No apology. No acceptance for anything he did. Unreal. I yessed him to death and hopped right back on my white horse.
Then this post today. Thank God.
This blog has been my number one source of strength.
Love. You. Natasha.

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I am so happy to help. You are never alone KO <3

I love you too 🙂 xoxo

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Good Afternoon All,

May I say ” I love this website”…..I also recently had my heart broken, shattered really, completely done in, crying, not eating, just lost………I lost myself in a man who held a very high status position at an ivy league school, and was feeling so special when I was chosen to work with him for a few months. Right from the beginning I noticed that when I said good morning- he never answered, same as good night..thought it odd but just chalked it up to his status……..his haughty, arrogant manner was directed at all of his service providers. I was warned up front that this man was difficult, but I felt ” he will never do that to me” but he did. Initially, I felt special (why, oh why, when I was not even important enough to say hello to?) but I did. Because he did not outright scream at me, I felt special ( he must feel something for me) and I was falling head over heels for him. I honestly believed that I had found my own version of A Special Mind (the kind of character that Russell Crowe played in the movie of the same name. Odd, but ended up loving Jennifer Connolly in the movie. An odd romance but still beautiful. So, each interaction left me feeling high, thrilled, and deeper in love with him.
On our last day together, I was sure that we would be together and have aprivate talk, I really believed this but let me share what I got instead. We were attending a symposium that day and I was driving us there. When I picked him up, he came to the car with another woman, who clearly believed that she was on a date with him. She was dressed up and when she saw me, shot me a look of “this is my man”. I was dumbstruck but got in the car (why didn’t I just say fuck you and leave?). He got in the front and she in the back. Once en route, he started mocking me…each time I answered a question he asked, he started making rude comments to me. I honestly felt like he was showing off to this girl. I was devastated, confused, horrified……….On the ride home, I started arguing with him about almost everything; I could not stop. When I dropped them off, she went into his house with him and I went home. Once I got home, I still continued to think ” he will call me and explain” but he never did. Never called and it has now been two months. I spent all of April crying, just heartbroken, humiliated, embarrassed………….I fucking still wanted him! whats wrong with me? And, now I am just empty, hollow, questioning my own judgement………………………….but, I have this information from this site and so much has become so much clearer. My adoration for him must have been so obvious that he played sport by making fun of me in front of this woman……….my biggest question because I really don’t know is what do I say to him when I see him again? we are due to work together some time in june and everyting inside of me screams never again………………….I want to remain on my white horse but this narcissist monster will have access to me…..what exactly do I say so that I do not come off as pathetic………………….please advise………………..please keep writing…….thank you, margaret

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What exactly about him do you like?! He’s arrogant, condescending, haughty, rude, shady and belittling.
Gross. Your disgust factor needs to kick in. Say nothing. Do nothing.

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Christine,

Needed a night to ponder on your response and my response back…..my answer is that there is nothing to like………we are both professional academics and I wanted to be “the chosen one” and to be associated with his professional success because I feel so lousy about myself. Thank God for this website and the tribe of women who care enough to snap me in the head and ask direct questions…………my mind must have been lost in space to think that he cared for me. But I have hope….something inside of me KNEW because I started arguing with him. INSIDE my self respect was returning because I started arguing with him. Not the correct answer but it makes me believe that I would and will fight back against cruelty. You are right of course; I must never go back; DO NOTHING< SAY NOTHING. I will lose an international opportunity for advancement but at what cost? To return there would kill me…………….I am done……………He will be calling soon to set up June and I am not going to respond at all. Thank you for being a sister to me………………..margaret

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I get wanting to be “the chosen one who was enough to change him”. But he will never change, he is who he is, a seemingly horrible person who treats everyone pretty badly. So even if you “win him” – what are you winning? A life where he holds the power because of his ego, while you walk on eggshells never feeling good enough? Ugh, no thank you. The person you are would die a slow death. The Universe did you a favor, be thankful.
I’m not sure why you feel lousy about yourself. You are smart enough to realize something is off. The woman who is pathetic was the one in the backseat, who listened to him berate another woman. After seeing that, she’s a fool to even continue with him. It’s too bad your career took a back step because of him, but there must be another way in. He is NOT the end all and be all of the academic world, no matter what his ego says, so don’t let him dim your light!
Please don’t give him the satisfaction of another argument. At the most professionally tell him “No thank you” when the June assignment comes up, if you have to. Then end the convo. You made a lucky escape. One month of crying is nothing compared to the months and years you could have wasted on this guy. Sorry, he really sounds this horrible. It’s NOT you. It’s HIM. Count your blessings!

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I am so happy and honored to help. I wish that I had the time to directly advise in the comments.

Thank you for being a part of this tribe Margaret <3 You are never alone. xoxo

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Other readers are here to support you always 🙂

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This is amazingly heartfelt, empathetic, realistic, and (almost jarringly) relatatable.

It’s rare to find a source who genuinely wants to help others see their own light (a friend) and is so comprehensive/authoritiatve/accurate at the same time. And by rare, I mean there’s only one. Thank you.

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This made me cry. Thank you sister. I love you endlessly. XOXO

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Hi Sandy
You wrote fine. I understood what you wrote. I was just telling you what happened with me. Hope that gave you some perspective. So whether they come back or don’t, it doesn’t matter where the emotionally unavailable species is concerned. Look out for yourself……. Always
Take care
Love Meg

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Natasha – you fantastic woman – another deliciously clear and illuminating post! What you do so well is untangle ‘our stuff’ from ‘their stuff’ – which of course is what gets so f*cked up in the narcissistic dance. Thanks to you I can see so clearly what my own red flags are: feeling ‘special and different’ (MAJOR SIREN ALERT), feeling an almost overwhelming urge to protect the person (thereby projecting my own need – and responsibility – to protect myself); raging euphoria and sexual illumination of the cosmos (otherwise known as complete loss of adult capacity and overcompensation for screaming visceral warning signs); and a sudden feeling of responsibility for being ‘the one’ able to ‘make his life better’ (aka grandiosity). The great thing about seeing all this so clearly is BEING ABLE TO ACT ON IT!!!

I have been single for 3 years following a life of entangled relationships, the earlier ones in particular very destructive – and your work is helping me beyond words to live fully and completely in this space and watch the screenplay of my mental delusions and emotional learned habits play out, without enacting them. In this culture of ‘you’re not complete unless you’re on the internet dating supermarket shelf giving free samples and offering yourself as an emotional / sexual docking station for roaming kn*bs’ I feel like a massive rose opening and blooming, for no reason other than I am gloriously alive – one of so many women you are helping to own and revel in their power, creativity and capability (and joie de vivre)

I loved what you said about the ‘everyone can change’ thing – I got well and truly tangled up in this one and confused the ‘worthy morality’ feel of it with taking responsibility for someone else’s emotional life and needs. Actually – let’s be honest – I hid behind it so I could do my ‘water into wine’ thing (which was actually water into slurry, yet felt terribly ovulatory at the time! Love how you use that word btw!). I’ve decided I don’t give a badger’s a*se whether someone can change or not – that’s their responsibility … as you have said in so many posts, it’s their ACTIONS that speak! What a clunky big chain fell off me when I got that – another thank you.

Sorry for a long post – from your loving Scottish wild woman fan! Massive hugs Helen XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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Helen, we really HAVE to meet one day! Thank you from the bottom of my heart 🙂 You are just as adored, supported, loved, and admired. Truly.

Love you so much <3 Happy that the post helped! xxxxx

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Natasha your blog is working for me. I know this because with a thought while brushing my teeth, I found a reason to blame the messenger, you, then realized that I cheap shotted myself as I looked in the mirror – damn me for interpreting a victory as loss. A boundary that I thought was considered an economical decision that I initially assumed was a luxury decision made by a person(you) with leisure attributes in life couldn’t possibly get me. I realized my ultimate problem in that thought. I said get real to me, your explanation within another post, a dilemma of parallel need to emotionally retract contact if physical is not kim-possible absolved my mindf*cking denial.
I realized what I love most about your blog. Your blog is like an Andy Warhol coke. Everyone across all socio-economic backgrounds is relevant to partake in its justice. Elizabeth Taylor woulda loved the taste. I’m lovin it. Different levels of knowing what’s what with our own tastes in SO’s can sip from your wealthy drank. A very fluid platform in which I am proud to hold you in such high esteem as I acid wash down a scumbag who needed to bounce yesterday. Though I experience heartburn with carbonation reflux, I burst my own bubble, and needed to Tum Ta Tum Tum with all of you too.

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Hahaha… OMG Frida! Loved your last paragraph my friend… and agree 100%. And there is no one who can explain the inexplicable of our relationshits quite like our dear Natasha. She is like a the modern day Shakespeare and Andy and Freud all rolled up in one with the experience to back it up.
I have so much more to say on this subject, but too long to post.

Friday – Thank you for making me smile today!
And Natasha …. I love you girl. You know what’s up my dear and you always speak the truth and from the heart. Not enough words to tell you how much you and this tribe has helped me dig myself out of the rabbit hole and saved me many times from reaching out to the ex. Still on my white horse and still hanging on every day.

Love to all in this tribe.
xxxxxxxxx
#whitehorsewarriors

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Vicki! You are forever my girl <3 I love you too. That hashtag is the greatest thing ever. Thank you for creating it and for being YOU! XOXO

Happy that the post helped 🙂

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Thank you Vicki for your understanding! You said it just right. My wordiness can get in the way, but Natasha’s site is a true movement into a healthier being. Definitely her humanity is so helpful to go along with the issues we struggle with and want to change. I read stuff on psychology today, although informative, it does not resonate and propel me into action.

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Happy and so honored to help! Thank Frida 🙂

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Love this, Natasha!

You hit the nail on the head multiple times xx 😘
Love to you xx

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🙂 thank you for being my teammate xxxx

Love you too sis.

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I like this post a lot Natasha. First, fu*ktard probation officer is my new favorite term. But what I really loved is that the post wove together several things you’ve observed in prior posts. Your thoughts on reverse narcissism made me think of something you wrote in your post “Rebound Relationships – 5 Signs Your Ex Is In One And Why They Fail” – and that is, we reverse-narcissists are just as validation-hungry as our narcissistic exes. It occurred to me that our preoccupation with whether our exes will change is just another way for us to seek validation…because our desire to see them change is another way of saying that we have it all figured out and don’t need to ourselves. So I really liked that you pointed out that the narcissist label borders on overuse, and that people can change. For if people couldn’t change, then we would all be in trouble because our desire to evolve is what brings us to PMS.

Your musings in “How To Get Closure When You Have None” also relate to what you wrote here about reverse-narcissism. We’re “closure picky”, professional self-inflicting pain seekers engaged in escapism, wanting to be right and our exes to acknowledge that they are wrong and wanting our exes to empathize with us. As you observed, “being a closure hunter and humiliation go hand-in-hand.” It’s no wonder we struggle to move on, given our prioritization of closure.

This post also made me think of something you wrote in “Should I Unfollow My Ex Boyfriend on Social Media.” And that is, that “you have to decide if you want to do the hard work and reclaim your power, your self esteem and self respect, or if you want to willingly be the murderer of who you are destined to be.” Absolutely applicable here! If we keep making other people’s issues about us, we’ll never realize that we are not responsible for our exes’ behavior and/or feelings. And absent that realization, we’ll destroy our ability to realize our potential growth.

Finally, the weed and duck/swan analogy was fantastic. Our brains pose the question “what if” to trick us into obsessing and worrying. And once our brains start worrying, there is no way to stop the thoughts except to confront them head-on, like watching a scary movie over and over again. We have to humor the worry – assume that our exes will change and get “better”…it simply does not matter for us because there is no way to “start over” with them because the past cannot be undone/forgotten (unless we’re in a Charlie Kaufman movie). Personally, I hope my ex does evolve into the person I created through my own projections…because if she can do that, then I can change for the better too. And change I must, because while I did not cause my ex’s unacceptable behavior, I was an active collaborator in creating the context under which her behavior was allowed to continue for YEARS. Learn when to walk away, indeed!

Simply put, what makes your work so helpful is its thematic consistency. The Force is strong with you, my friend. Thank you!

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Brandon,

Human to human, I truly love you. I feel you and I understand you. Thank you for having the courage to not only share your experiences and vulnerabilities here, but for helping so many women in the process.

Thank you for connecting with my work and seeing your own pain and plight in mine.

You are valued, appreciated and admired beyond words.

Thank you for being a part of this tribe.

Thank you for being YOU!

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In my experience, they absolutely cannot change. It stretches beyond emotional unavailability. Being exactly the way they are and operating the way they operate is the key to their emotional survival – facing themselves is akin to death and can never happen so long as supply is available. They know how to play the part very well, however. I really hope anyone who sees the Narc moving on, seemingly happy and fulfilled in the arms of another woman beneath the gorgeous glow of an Instagram filter isn’t convinced that they’ve suddenly introspected, dug deep, and are now capable of the relationship they couldn’t give you. It takes a very emotionally damaged individual to stay in a relationship with a narcissist – the length of their next relationship isn’t a testament to how happy they are but how far that woman’s denied her own needs and raised her tolerance for abuse. They can never be who you thought they were because if they were, you wouldn’t have suffered so much at their hands. Remember that. It’s an illusion to them, they lie to you and lie to themselves. To live without the lie is akin to dying. Much love all and excellent post as always Natasha!

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Thank you so much for sharing J. I’m happy that the post served you 🙂 All my love to you. xoxo

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Hi Natasha.
I hope you are well. It took me a day or so to digest this post. I see myself here. I just was not aware of it all.

This part stays with me: For a narcissist to change, they would need to be accountable and make amends through dignified and non-egoic ACTION. These actions need to be rooted in a PERSONAL desire to change independent of any kind of narcissistic panic associated with: losing, being exposed, being wrong, loss of control, and no longer getting his/her selfish needs met at the expense of your well being.
I really believe this. I also think that change requires leaving your comfort zone which leaves you exposed. How many will volunteer for that. I like to believe people can change but again as you have pointed out s many times it takes time and energy and commitment.
Thank you for this Natasha. It comes at a time when I am in need of these words. It is almost 1 year since my breakup. It’s still hard but as I have said many times here I am blessed with this space, your words, and the tribe.
Thank you again and I look forward to more of your words and wisdom. Be well.
😘💕🌸

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I miss you everyday Linda. You and your comments mean so much to me. Happy that the post served you and cannot wait to talk again. You’ve got a sister in me and are never alone. You WILL get through this – I believe in you and I am HERE. xoxo

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Natasha,
It’s another amazing you’re spot on. Even a person like my ex, who made my life a nightmare the past year at some point does make changes when things don’t go his way and then it’s hard not to take it personally. I try to remember the big picture, just because one person screwed me over i can’t let that take over and stop me from living my life and my find happiness. There’s still times I peak at his profile and there’s always someone new.. (at 34 imagine how much fun it is changing his partners every couple of months..) if I feel the need cry I still do sometimes, I think it’s part of morning the living and it feels better after but he’ll always be the person who lied, cheated and screwed me over not the affectionate, loving wannabe.. the only positive thing I got from him is it ignited in me the passion to find the real version. 💖💖💖

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I am forever grateful for his presence because his dysfunction allowed me to meet a soul sister. You have the right attitude and what you are feeling is not only normal, it’s healthy to have the level of awareness that you do. You got this Daniella and you are never alone.

So happy that the post helped 🙂 xo

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