Even though you may be like I used to be and live as the unnecessary, “could-really-do-without-her,” character in the story that is your life, you are always the only main, recurring character in your story as the supporting characters and guest stars come and go.
You’re the main character that will be in every scene and no matter how heartbreaking, lame, embarrassing or bullsh*t and drama filled those scenes may be, each scene requires YOU. If you’re not an active participant or a dynamic character in your own life story, you’ll still be in every scene by default, but never truly feel like your presence is all that necessary or understood. You’ll feel like life just happens to you; like you have no control or say in the matter.
I got to a point in my life where I found myself in the exact.same.scene again and again (and again). Although the scene played out the same way each and every time, the locations, the characters and the wardrobes were all different.
Up until a few years ago, my life had been all about exerting maximum amounts of effort to recreate the same scene and banking on the assumption that just because the main characters, the supporting characters, the lighting, the wardrobe and the location were all vastly different, that the scene would (THIS time), have a different outcome (as in a Happily Ever After, The End kind of outcome).
Guess what? It never did and I found myself years older, none the wiser and nothing to show for my efforts except the useless ability to recreate the same dynamic and justify my efforts by paying all of my attention to focusing on the vastly different details that didn’t ever and would never matter.
I didn’t understand how I could be on a “pinching-myself-is-this-real-life?” vacation in the south of France, sitting at a beautiful restaurant across from a devastatingly perfect suit wearing, cigar smoking, Mr. Big looking, door opening, “had-me-ovulating-at-hello,” man that I so thought was “the one,” and be going through the same.exact.scene that I had gone though with the artist at his apartment and the doctor when we were on a hike and the bartender on our date and my college boyfriend in his dorm room and the actor at his vacation home – That scene when the magic goes away; that moment where my prince turns into an emotionally unavailable, hurtful, avoidant, deceitful, “I’ll-never-be-good-enough-for-him” mortal, right before my eyes. That moment when he broke it off with me, when I noticed too many “deal breakers” to count, when I found (“found” meaning FBI-sniper-stype-snooped-because-nothing-gets-past-me) text messages to his ex that he swore he wasn’t talking to, when he got too drunk, again; when he made me feel like I was never good enough, when I realized that he had a porn addiction, when I found out he was doing and dating some other girl the whole time, when I saw her and I just knew, etc.
This time was different though. I felt so removed. I felt the “here we go again,” like I was watching what was going on from afar. I was dead inside and the beautiful scenery could no longer suffice. I wasn’t an “active” participant in my own story. I had burned out.
I was an “active” participant in my own story in the sense that I stayed extremely busy as a glorified casting director / set designer, constantly changing the cast and the scenery, hoping that THAT would influence a different outcome.
It had to, right?
I burned physically and emotionally out because I had tried so hard and focused so intently on changing the “type” of leading man, the “type” of supporting characters, the location, the EVERYTHING that it had gotten to a point where I had to finally put up the flag and surrender.
I was making such an effort and continually ending up in the same.damn.boat with a big gaping hole at the bottom, trying to slow dance with the leading-man-of-the-moment instead of noticing the water rushing in, grabbing a life jacket and jumping ship.
I kept experiencing the same results, different guys. “Are there any good guys left?” “Am I destined to be heartbroken and alone?” I thought. I was scared. I felt like, in this lifetime anyway, I was condemned to only attracting emotionally unavailable f*cktards that could never value, love, respect and be loyal to me. What was wrong so with me? Was I asking for too much? Why didn’t he choose me? Why couldn’t I ever be good enough?
Are there any good guys left? And if so, HOW do you find one?
How do you put an end to that dreadful, depressing scene that you keep experiencing and start to live the life that you put so much hope towards achieving?
If you find that you keep getting involved with different dudes, same outcomes (he doesn’t value you, is always looking for the next best thing, treats you poorly, is emotionally unavailable, lies, has no empathy, doesn’t appreciate you, just as you are, etc.) you need to stop obsessing about every last thing he did or didn’t do, stop believing that whatever he did or didn’t do was about you and start to take a very close look at yourself before life gives you no choice BUT to do so.
Just like it’s so easy to be mean, it’s so easy to get on the “I-hate-men-they’re-all-rotten-I’m-f*cked-forevermore” train and ride that sh*t so hard that you become a bona fide Delusional Debbie and never get off on Sanity Station. I am well aware that guys do sh*tty things. If they didn’t or if there was even a limit to the amount of sh*tty things that they do, there would be no PMS or, at best, PMS would be a 1 page, 1 paragraph blurb.
The amount of hurt and deception that guys can inflict is endless, but I had to learn the hard way that the real change, real progress, real love, real romance, real chemistry, real connection and the real, genuine happiness that I was after could ONLY happen if I first started to take responsibility and make changes within.
But I felt like I really didn’t need to. I mean…. I was taking care of myself! I went to spin class, I had a green juice every Wednesday, I read all of the self-help books, I posted zen quotes, I got laser hair removal, so yeah, I was all good, right?
This was the hardest thing for me to realize and unfortunately, it had to get to a point of no return in my life where I had no other choice but to turn inward because my health had taken over, stepped in and essentially said to me “you need immediate attention.”
So what will lead you to feel better, put an end to the madness and have you stop feeling so “unlucky,” like you’re at the end of your rope and feeling like there’s no good guys out there? What will help you find a good guy?
- Responsibility. Realize that as much as you sometimes feel like you’d like to, you’ll never be able to control anyone or make them do anything. You can never instill empathy, remorse, willingness to commit, character, emotional availability and responsibility in anyone. The only person that you can ever and will ever be able to instill that in is YOU and the only person that you literally can’t thrive and be happy without them taking responsibility and changing is YOU, not the f*cktard whose profile you’re creepin on.
- Stop waiting around for your prince to arrive and for your Happily Ever After to begin. You can’t just expect some great guy to find you, un-break you, make you feel whole, make you happy and Jerry Maguire “complete” you all WHILE caring for himself and being a good partner. That’s an unreasonable amount of pressure to put on anyone. As long as you keep telling yourself that you need someone to “make you happy,” to prove to you that everyone else was wrong when they caused you pain, to heal your broken heart, etc., you will be always be dissatisfied with every guy and dissatisfied with yourself in the process while you wait for your knight to come riding in. No one will ever be good enough for you because you’ll never be good enough for yourself. You have to put the work in and gain respect for yourself first by following through with the commitments and promises that you make to yourself. Stop complaining about your weight, your inability to control your diet, your “bad luck,” your depression, etc., and aim to change your distorted internal dialogue, make peace with and accept what you can’t change and follow through with working toward controlling and changing what you can. Once you follow through with the promises that you make to yourself, your self respect and belief in yourself will exponentially increase.
- Know a good guy when you see one. I’ve let some great guys go because I was so wrapped up in thinking that the wrong things mattered. I was equating a good personality, humor, looks, athleticism, intelligence, money, talent, power, etc., with character. Character is when your words and actions seamlessly match without concerted effort or intention. While all of those attributes are great, they are not guarantees to possessing character. I didn’t even NOTICE a good guy when I was around one because my dating experiences had taught me that desirable guys had to come with drama, jealousy, me making him WANT to change, insecurity and always feeling like I had to “win” him over and seek validation. I only felt that hot, once-in-a-lifetime passion with the wrong guys.
- Remember that a mistake made more than once is a decision. YOUR decision. If you find that you’re repeatedly broken hearted, cheated on, lied to, used, frustrated and saddened by your relationship choices, I guarantee you that it’s not because you’re just “unlucky victim #1” in your own life story. You have to realize that you’re not just unknowingly packing a douchebag magnet up your ass and he didn’t just “find” you. There’s something about your behavior, your actions and your disposition (ding! ding! ding!!! Low self esteem), that allows these guys to know that they can get away with doing what they do and being who they are. You love without conditions or boundaries and love without boundaries is not “unconditional” Jack and Rose from Titanic love. It’s self-administered”I’ll-never-be-good-enough-and-I-need-other-people-to-tell-me-what-I’m-worth” abuse.
- Stop subscribing to the story in your head. If you want to get different results and be happier, you must start with the relationship that you have with yourself. Commit to changing the beliefs that you have about yourself and see where you’re contributing to your unhappiness.
- Learn to enjoy your own company. This one took me years. I used to not be able to do anything alone. If I had to be alone, I’d be glued to my phone. If you feel like you can’t be happy unless you’re with someone, you’re in for a lifetime of insecurity, delusion, pain and feeling like no one understands you. There’s no way you can make healthy relationship choices if you’re so desperate to turn in your single card, you’ll do so at the expense of your sanity and self worth.
- Stop tying your worth to his actions and stop making your relationships all about giving out chances, making (and believing) excuses and waiting for him to change. Instill some boundaries and have the guts to know when you need to acknowledge that there is something wrong and take responsibility for what you played a part in.
- Stop listening to your fears and your insecurities, start listening to your gut. You’ll be a lot more scared when you find yourself at the end of your life, drowning with regret. You are so much more than your fears. Aim to listen to and follow your gut, even when your libido and heart tell you differently.
- Retrain your libido by default. When you start treating yourself better, you’ll only want relationships with guys that treat you as well as you treat yourself. Guys that you can make your project, the guys you have to “win” over, the captain of the douchebag squad, etc. will no longer dictate your ovulation. You’ll start finding that you’re more attracted to and turned on by the stuff that really matters, the stuff that’s going to matter down the road. A man bun won’t.
- Know that whatever anyone does is about them, not you. Stop assuming responsibility for other people’s behavior. Anything that anyone does is about them, not you. You know what’s about you? Your actions and behavior, not theirs. It’s nothing personal and it’s not about you – people’s actions, reactions and behavior are a reflection of themselves, their beliefs, their level of awareness and their reality.
- Get behind you and be good to yourself. This is one that I can’t stress enough. When you’re good to you and you make decisions in light of how you feel about you, your self esteem will rise because you’re sending signals to your psyche that you have your own back, that you’re protecting yourself and that you actually care enough for yourself to act in a way that’s best for you, even when it hurts to do so and you just want to call him over and Netflix and chill (“chill” meaning “have a talk,” see what he’s been up to, have bad porno sex again to see if THIS time you can get off or it’ll be enough this time for him to miss you, find out if who he’s with now is better than you, get validation, etc.). By getting behind you and having your own back, you’ll translate to guys that you’re a girl of value because you value yourself. All of a sudden, the wrong guys will feel like something is “off” and will likely give you excuses and try to make you feel like there’s something wrong with you or they’ll just become immediately disinterested when they see that they can’t use you or behave like themselves and get away with it because you actually have healthy limits and you’re unapologetically kind about it (don’t be mean, ever).
There ARE good guys out there but If you can’t treat yourself well, value yourself, accept yourself, have your own back and love yourself with your whole heart FIRST, how can you ever expect to find a guy to?