Ever wonder, “Am I in the right relationship?”
“Am I on the right track?”
“Am I making the right decisions?”
Asking myself those questions used to send me into such a downward spiral of anxiety and “abort-mission-now-must-think-about-this-later,” avoidance that kept me in a perpetual state of: 1. Remaining in relationsh*ts (which did a great job of keeping my self esteem at negative infinity). 2. Being THAT girl who always talked about her goals, hopes, dreams & desires, but never actually did anything to make it happen.
I had no way to know/answer “Am I in the right relationship?” or “Am I on the right track?” because I had no clue and I was scared. It was all way too complicated and so much easier to be the victim of “bad luck,” a prince-turned-to-f*cktard, the sh*tty hand I was dealt, etc.
So how do you answer (or ever know for that matter) “Am I in the right relationship?” or “Am I on the right track in life?”
I get asked these questions a lot and the answer is really simple. You guys know how much I hate complicating things.
+ First, know this – No matter how alone, lost or hopeless you feel, KNOW that we all have a destiny, and we all have a reason for being. Once you attain the knowingness that you have something, it will motivate you to proactively search for it instead of lamenting about (and blaming your misfortune on), its absence. You don’t need to question the existence of your purpose and destiny any longer. If you’re reading this article right now, breathing air and thinking those detonating insecure thoughts with a beating heart and blood pumping through your veins, guess what? You.have.a.purpose. You’re not alone. You’re safe. You’re supported. You’re here. Breathe.
Whether it’s a romantic relationship, a friendship, your job or an important life decision that you have to make, the only way to really know, “Am I in the right relationship?” “Am I on the right track?” “Am I making the right decisions?” is by assessing the cost.
“the best things in life are free”
Ever heard that one before? Of course you have. It’s one of those quotes that’s drilled into our heads as kids but that we learn to devalue the meaning of because as we grow, so much of our own value becomes dictated by possessions and relationships that cost us, in more ways than one.
If we don’t have to work for it in the name of blood, sweat, heartbreak, humiliation, validation and tears, wtf value does it even have?
When it comes to answering “Am I in the right relationship?” or, “Am I on the right track?” the only way to definitively know is by having an honest conversation with yourself about the cost. Forget gangster, this is about becoming your own emotional and spiritual BANKER.
One of my favorite people, Caroline Myss says that you’ll know you’re on the right track when you no longer put yourself in positions where you’re compromising your personal integrity, by making choices or choosing circumstances that betray yourself.
Ask yourself these questions:
- What is this costing me? What is the emotional, spiritual & physical cost here?
- Am I bleeding out/eroding my own power, self love, and dignity?
- Am I putting myself in a position where I have to negotiate my boundaries, morals, values or character?
- Am I ultimately contributing to my loneliness here? Am I having to put myself on the back burner? Am I having to compromise my truth? (remember, loneliness is nothing more than the feeling as though you are unable to express your truth).
- Am I betraying or devaluing myself on any level? Is there a proverbial butcher’s knife in my back while I keep trying to tell myself (& convince everyone else) that it’s an acupuncture needle?
- Is there any level of dis-ease?
- Am I able to love and respect myself here?
- Is this costing me my sanity, my happiness and my sense of self?
- Do I feel a connection here? Does this have meaning? I like referring to failure as ‘success without connection or meaning.’ Yes, you could totally have sex with some random guy and you could both get off and have a great time or you could go to the gym and gyrate around like a wild banshee for 30 mins or you could go to church every week or go to therapy and spout off for an hour. Success! Right? Sure. I mean… you did it so… yeah, okay. But what the hell is ANY of it really if there’s no meaning or connection? Meaning and connection are the pulse.
You’ll know that you’re in the right relationship and on the right track when:
- You don’t feel like it’s costing you anything in a negative way. It’s not robbing you of anything that you know you need in order to thrive.
- There’s no need to hit the “mute” button on your intuition; there’s no pulling the wool over your eyes.
- You’re not denying yourself.
- You’re not bullsh*tting yourself.
- You don’t feel the need to people please.
- You’re not passively making choices that will ultimately affirm the negative beliefs that you have about yourself.
- You’re not wearing a blanket of insecurity while second guessing the sh*t out of yourself.
- Validation from others is not your currency/oxygen in this situation.
- You are not door-matting yourself or building other people up.
- Your light isn’t dimmed.
- You feel at ease. There’s no Jekyll-&-Hyde-tug-of-war going on.
When I write these posts, when I have speaking engagements, when I help others with their relationships and when I connect with and help women all over the world, I never feel like it’s costing me my soul. I don’t feel devalued, I don’t feel betrayed and I don’t feel drained of my spirit or “dimmed,” in any way. In fact, I feel the exact opposite. This is how I know that I’m on the right track and in alignment with where I need to be. Yes, I’m mortal and I totally get fatigued, irritable and worn out, but not in a way that drains me of my power, enthusiasm and joy of being. When I’m with those that are closest to me, I don’t feel like it’s costing me anything to be in a relationship with them.
Make a conscious effort every day to assess the “cost,” of everything you do.
We’re able to budget our finances, so why should we neglect the emotional, psychological and spiritual costs? Why should we continue to fail in budgeting for those?
Money comes and goes, but loose your mind, diminish your value, erode your sense of self and you’ll never be able to make a dime without it “costing” you way more than you’d ever hope to earn financially.
Make the conscious effort to access the costs in your life. Do this enough times until it becomes habitual and remember, feeling secure is not a destination, it’s comprised of consistent actions; it’s a habit.
The only way to ever know “Am I in the right relationship?” or “Am I on the right track?” is to access the cost.
& remember… the best people, relationships, things & experiences in life are always free 🙂