I’ll never forget how incredible it felt to learn what emotionally unavailable meant. Everything suddenly clicked and started to make perfect sense. After years of unsuccessful, same-result-different-guy dating, I had FINALLY figured out what the reason was: emotionally unavailable men. All I had to do was stop dating emotionally unavailable guys and my Happily Ever After would come. Easy. Right? Not so much. Despite my newfound awareness, I still wound up with, tried to be good enough for, and obsessed over emotionally unavailable boyfriends, friends, coworkers, classmates, and family members. Eventually, misery began to outweigh my delusion and the victim card I had always so dutifully relied on stopped making me feel as innocent of a bystander as it used to. In all of these relationships, the only common denominator was yes, emotionally unavailable partners, but it was also the one thing that I avoided with all my might… ME. “Am I emotionally unavailable?” I thought. There was no way. wanted to be in a relationship. I was ready; I wasn’t scared to commit. If anything, I came on TOO strong. All I wanted was to be in a relationship. All I did was cry. I BLED emotions. There was no way.

Because we will always engage in relationships that reflect the relationship we have with ourselves and because we always attract what we exude… I had no choice but to look into the “am I emotionally unavailable?” question.

The people we are attracted to give us invaluable insight as to what we exude. I was exuding unavailability.

If you’re not asking yourself “am I emotionally unavailable?” you have no business wondering if anyone else is.

Here’s how to tell if you’re emotionally unavailable & how to fix it so you can change your life, your luck and start calling your own shots.

“Am I emotionally unavailable?” Here are 15 signs that you may be:

  1. You get bored and don’t feel any passion or chemistry with emotionally available men.
  2. As much as you claim to want the exact opposite, you’re relationship history (with friends, lovers, family, coworkers, etc.), translates that you’re more comfortable being in a state of drama, chaos, jealousy, competition, deceit, one-upping, disrespect, disconnection, and guessing, than you are in a state of solidity, love, respect, honesty, and authenticity.
  3. You feel like you have no choice but to lie about the dumbest things. You feel like if people knew the truth, they’d run. 
  4. You’re a chameleon. You act like one person at work and another with one group of friends, and another with the other group of friends, and another with guys, and another with your family. You may have social anxiety because of this. You also may have a complete personality transplant after a drink or 2. It gives you anxiety to think of these different “groups” of people that you know being all together. You micromanage your image to the point of exhaustion because you feel like you can’t ever be your true self. You feel this way because early on, you were made to feel bad for existing. You were also made to feel like you were easy to forget/abandon.
  5. You look to accomplishments, relationships, and superficial stuff to give you an identity because you don’t know who you are. Whenever anyone has a preoccupation with the superficial, it ALWAYS signals low self-esteem.
  6. You have high highs and low lows in your friendships.
  7. You’re non-confrontational, but you don’t mind having a front row seat to watch any confrontation/drama that you may have passively created. 
  8. You’re ALWAYS extremely busy and preoccupied. You hide behind your chaos because it justifies why you can’t ever be present or available for yourself (or anyone else).
  9. When you’re on dates or hanging with friends, you’re more concerned with how you appear as opposed to having a genuine conversation or seeing if there’s a connection. Dating and making friends always feels like you are auditioning for a role.
  10. You like to talk about making plans, having goals, and all of these brilliant ideas but executing them gives you anxiety.
  11. You’re a perfectionist and have unreasonably high standards.
  12. Instead of asking yourself “am I emotionally unavailable?” you are quick to label others as such. 
  13. Your default mode is being the victim. It’s always them, never you. 
  14. You have the disease to please but can’t ever please yourself. And no one can ever please you, ESPECIALLY the emotionally available people in your life. You exhaust and eventually, detract them because you’re an unsolvable jigsaw puzzle.
  15. You struggle with seeing, loving and accepting yourself. Because of this, you chase after the affection of others who don’t see, love or accept you either. 

“Am I emotionally unavailable?” If you are, here’s how to reconnect and reclaim your life:

You need to understand that there is absolutely no way around the emotionally unavailable quicksand. The ONLY way to stop being involved with emotionally unavailable people is to become emotionally available yourself because once you do, you’ll stop being attracted to unavailable people.

The first step in tackling your emotional unavailability is to acknowledge that you are indeed unavailable. Stop fighting it and creating more internal drama of how it can’t be or how it doesn’t make any sense. Allow your current relationships and your relationship history to speak for themselves and LISTEN. Acknowledge and be accountable.

When I wondered “am I emotionally unavailable?” the eventual realization of my unavailability prompted me to think that I was a bad person and that I was to blame for everything.

And I couldn’t have been more wrong. Being emotionally unavailable doesn’t make you a bad person and it definitely doesn’t make your partner justified in hurting you (or waiting around for you to change because change takes TIME), but being emotionally unavailable DOES rob you of any chance for a mutual, committed and monogamous (emotionally and/or physically) relationship. It also robs you of your authenticity and gives you a lifetime VIP, “toxic relationship only” pass.

You can lead an addict to the best rehab center in the world but to truly get clean, they have to WANT it above all else.

Let me ask you, would you ever cry about not having 6-pack abs? Maybe. But why cry when you know that all you have to do is go to the gym and work on it every day? It’s the SAME in regard to the relationship with yourself. Building muscle, feeling secure, and being emotionally available is NOT just for the beautiful, wealthy, and lucky – it’s a HABIT. Once I realized that self-love was habitual, it became attainable.

How did I finally build a meaningful and connected relationship with myself?

I consistently worked at it. Every single day, I am the person that my younger self needed and didn’t have. And that consistent effort has built respect and love that is more passionate, fulfilling, and beautiful than any relationship I’ve ever had. This, in turn, has attracted emotionally available people into my life and has enriched the relationships that I’m lucky enough to have.

If I can do it, so can you. You got this.

x Natasha

If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.

WANT TO BECOME THE MOST
BADASS VERSION OF YOURSELF?

Get Natasha’s 7 life-changing & essential boundaries straight to your inbox.
Sign up to receive exclusive content, updates + more.

Your free download has been emailed to you. Please make sure you confirm your email address. 

You May Also Like

16 comments

Reply

As we say in the business, “This is POMP”, or Part Of My Problem. So so good – such a fan ♥

Reply

YAY! So glad you liked! Thx Wyatt 🙂

Reply

The timing of this post is eerily uncanny and so needed. As someone who just last night at 1:00am was sitting on my bathroom floor SOBBING that there is something wrong with me/why can’t I be myself on dates/I’m never going to meet anyone/why do I have social anxiety/why do I act different with different people/WHO AM I REALLY?? this post hit me like a ton of bricks. I am the one who is emotionally unavailable!! Gulp. Yikes. This is why when countless good-meaning people ask me, “Why are you single? You’re so amazing and great!” I can honestly say (to myself) “I am emotionally unavailable.” It all makes sense now. Natasha, you are SO GOOD!!!!

And now I am going to call my therapist 🙂

Reply

Thanks babe! So happy it helped 🙂 I’m proud of you and I believe in you. If I can conquer my unavailability, so can you! XOXO

Reply

I had no idea I was emotionally unavailable until I read this. Every point you made described how I am as a person.
Thank you for this article. Now I can spend time working on myself instead of focusing on the fact that I got dumped a month ago.

Reply

YAY! That makes me so happy to hear 🙂 Proud of you Jay! xoxo

Reply

You couldn’t have described me any better Natasha! I’ve recognized my issues especially with acting differently when I’m with family, friends, at work. I feel like I have a personality disorder or something. I’m trapped in this revolving door and never understood who is my true self. I end up mirroring so much just to fit in or seem normal. Loving myself will definitely change that. But the unemotional available part of me just seems so normal I’m a pro at it. Time to break those old habits. Xoxo.

Reply

Yes it is! Proud of you sis! X

Reply

I often questioned if I was also emotionally unavailable because how else would I keep attracting the same type of man!!? After months of trauma therapy, I’m realizing what no longer serves me! It’s both unbelievable and believable at the same time. I’m super emotional, but I look back and see that I was just like him on so many levels. There’s no wonder why we didn’t connect and remained parallels for five years. We both couldn’t reach each other and won’t.. because we both have the same thing. Thank you for posting all of your wonderful insights! I no longer feel alone on this journey!

Reply

You are NEVER alone Jade <3 So happy that the post helped! All my love to you soul sis. xoxo

Reply

Hi Natasha,

I recently just found your site and have been hooked ever since. I am going through a tough post-break up with an emotionally unavailable man. This post spoke to me, as do all your posts really. In your last paragraph, you mention that in order to create a meaningful and consistent relationship with yourself, you consistently work on it everyday and still do. My question is, how do you do that? Could you give some concrete examples of how you started doing that, if it’s not too much to ask? Thanks!

Reply

Hi Sasha!

Thank you so much! I’m honored to help <3

I wish that I could elaborate further and answer your question, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day.

I will definitely try to write a post about this soon though! LOVE the topic/idea. Thanks for the recommendation!

All my love to you soul sister.

You’re not alone xo

Reply

Second on Sasha’s request!

Reply

I’m on it! 🙂

Reply

This post helped me so much – exactly where I need to be right now.

After many relationships with emotionally unavailable men, I’ve just started to pose this exact question to myself.

MY A-HA MOMENT: Real talk. I started taking edibles at night to help sleep. Trying not to make it a habit, but it’s helped open up my mind to a kinder and more honest treatment of thought… especially in regards to myself. A few nights ago, I wandered into a forest of thought, where I recognized how I am actually emotionally unavailable to myself. How I don’t think I’m worthy of certain things, and never have. But why not?

Thinking about it now, it’s still a jumbled beast I need to untangle, but I know it’s one that I’ve been meaning to deal with for a while. It’s blocking the road. I need to be available to understand, untangle, and move on productively.

Thank you! I’m loving all of your pieces so far, and am excited to continue exploring this site 🙂

Reply

Hi Andy!

YES YES YESSS! Thank YOU so much for taking the time to comment 🙂 I’m happy that the post helped!

If I can untangle the jumbled beast that was my own triggers and emotional unavailability, SO.CAN.YOU.

You will and you ARE.

Thank you for being a part of this tribe. You are never alone. xoxo

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *