I’ll never forget how awesome it felt to learn what emotionally unavailable meant. Everything suddenly clicked and started to make perfect sense. After years of unsuccessful, same-result-different-guy dating, I had FINALLY figured out what the reason was: emotionally unavailable men. All I had to do was stop dating emotionally unavailable guys and my Happily Ever After would appear. Easy. Right? Not so much. Despite my newfound awareness, I STILL wound up with, obsessed over, and people pleased the f*ck out of emotionally unavailable boyfriends, friends, coworkers, classmates and family members. Eventually, misery began to outweigh my delusion and the victim card I had always so dutifully relied on stopped making me feel as innocent of a bystander as it used to. In all of these relationsh*ts, the only common denominator was yes, emotionally unavailable partners, but it was also the one thing that I avoided with all my might… ME. “Am I emotionally unavailable?” I thought. There’s no way! I wanted to be in a relationship. I was ready! I wasn’t scared to commit. If anything, I came on TOO strong. All I wanted was that “in a relationship” status. All I did was cry. I BLED emotions. There was no way.

There actually was a way.

Because we will always engage in relationships that reflect the relationship we have with ourselves and because we always attract what we exude, I had no choice but to look into the “am I emotionally unavailable?” question.

The people we’re attracted to give us invaluable insight as to what we exude because what our brain translates as “compatible-all-systems-go-must-ovulate-now,” is ALWAYS a reflection of our true emotional state. Mine was unavailability.

If you’re not asking yourself “am I emotionally unavailable?” you have no business wondering if anyone else is.

Here’s how to tell if you’re emotionally unavailable & how to fix it so you can change your life, your luck and start calling your own shots. (as opposed to your sanity being dependent upon a text back, a “like,” a viewed snap story or a “comment.” no thx)

“Am I emotionally unavailable?” Here are 15 signs that you’re of the emotionally unavailable species:

+ & guys, I have been every last one of these things and if I can own it and get off the crazytrain, so.can.YOU

  1. You get bored and don’t feel any passion or chemistry with emotionally available men.
  2. As much as you claim to want the exact opposite, you’re relationship history (with friends, lovers, family, coworkers, etc.), translates that you’re more comfortable being in s state of drama, chaos, jealousy, competition, deceit, one-upping, mind f*ckery, disrespect, disconnection, validation seeking, insecurity and guessing than you are in a state of knowingness, love, respect, connection, value, honesty and authenticity.
  3. You feel like you have no choice but to lie about stupid sh*t because you feel like if people knew the truth, they’d run. They always have.
  4. You’re an organized chameleon. You act like one person at work and another with one group of friends and another with the other group of friends and another with guys and another with your family. You may have social anxiety because of this. You also may have a complete personality transplant after a drink or 2. It gives you anxiety to think of these different “groups” of people that you know being all together. You micromanage your image to the point of self deprecation and exhaustion because you feel like you can’t ever be your true self. You feel this way because early on, you were made to feel bad for existing. You were also made to feel like you were easy to forget/abandon.
  5. You look to accomplishments, relationsh*ts and the superficial stuff to give you an identity because you don’t know who you are. Whenever anyone has a preoccupation with the superficial, it ALWAYS signals low self esteem. You need validation because you can’t ever validate yourself other than through superficial/material means.
  6. You have high highs and low lows in your friendships. When you meet a new friend, you instantly become BFFs and there’s this honeymoon phase where you’re doing everything together and kumbayah-ing all around town. Then, when that phase wears off and there is a little conflict or a disagreement, instead of voicing it, you start acting from a place of fear and make excuses as to why you can’t see your BFF as often; you recoil. Since you’ve got a fun personality and you’re super outgoing, you know that you’ll make a new BFF soon. For you, it’s much easier to operate this way. You end up paying the ultimate price though because as you get older, you realize that you don’t have any friendships that have not only stood the test of time, but that have deepened over time as well and that you feel like you can be yourself in.
  7. You’re non confrontational, but you don’t mind having a front row seat to watch any confrontation that you may have passively created. 
  8. You’re ALWAYS extremely busy and preoccupied. You hide behind your “busyness” because it justifies why you can’t ever be present or available for yourself (or anyone else).
  9. When you’re on dates or hanging with friends, you’re more concerned with how you appear as opposed to having a genuine conversation or seeing if there’s a connection. Dating and making friends is like an audition for you.
  10. You like to talk about making plans, having goals and all of these brilliant ideas, but actually executing them gives you anxiety. You also never turn inward. You’d never even THINK to ask yourself “am I emotionally unavailable?”
  11. You’re a perfectionist and have unreasonably high standards. I used to use my perfectionism and my “high standards,” as justification for cutting people off/getting offended/hurt/creating unnecessary drama, etc.
  12. Instead of asking yourself “am I emotionally unavailable?” you are very Jedi-master-quick to label others as such. 
  13. Your default mode is “victim.” It’s always them, never you. 
  14. You have the disease to please but can’t ever please yourself. And no one can ever please you, ESPECIALLY the emotionally available people in your life. You exhaust and eventually detract them because you’re an unsolvable jigsaw puzzle.
  15. You struggle with seeing, loving and accepting yourself so you chase after the affection of others that don’t see, love or accept you either. 

“Am I emotionally unavailable?” If you are, here’s how to reconnect and reclaim your life:

You need to understand that there is absolutely no way around the emotionally unavailable quicksand. The ONLY way to stop being involved with emotionally unavailable people is to become emotionally available yourself because once you do, you’ll actually detract emotionally unavailable people like 2 opposing ends of a magnet.

The first step in tackling your emotional unavailability is to acknowledge that you are indeed unavailable. Instead of fighting it and creating more internal drama of how it can’t be or how it doesn’t make any sense, allow your current relationships and your relationship history to speak for themselves and LISTEN. Acknowledge and be accountable. Having the ability to view ourselves and our actions in an unfavorable and selfless light is the ultimate salvation.

When I wondered “am I emotionally unavailable?” the eventual realization of my unavailability prompted me to think that I was a bad person and that I was to blame for everything.

And I couldn’t have been more wrong. Being emotionally unavailable doesn’t make you a bad person and it definitely doesn’t make your partner justified in hurting you (or waiting around for you to change because change takes TIME), but being emotionally unavailable DOES rob you of any chance for a mutual, committed and monogamous (emotionally and/or physically) relationship. It also robs you of your authenticity and gives you a lifetime VIP, “relationsh*t only” pass.

If you TRULY want the available and connected relationship that you claim to want above all else, “baby, you should go and love yourself.” Seriously. Listen to Justin and love yourself. I didn’t attract a meaningful and connected relationship into my life until I wanted it more than anything by working toward a meaningful, connected and respectful relationship with myself.

You can lead an addict to the best rehab center here in Malibu, but to truly get clean, they have to recognize their addiction, identify their destructive patterns, and they have to WANT it above all else. 

Let me ask you, would you ever cry about not having 6-pack abs? Maybe, but why when you know that all you have to do is go to the gym, do your thing and work on it every day. It’s the SAME in regard to the relationship with yourself. SAME. Remember – just like building muscle, feeling secure and being emotionally available is NOT just for the beautiful, wealthy, and lucky – it’s a HABIT. Once I realized that it was habitual, it became attainable, and once I saw that spark of light at the end of a tunnel that I had always assumed was never-ending, life shifted in a MAJOR way.

How did I finally build a meaningful and connected relationship with myself?

I consistently worked at it. I tried and I still try every.f*cking.day to be the person that my younger self needed and didn’t have. And that consistent trying has built an immense respect and love that is more passionate, fulfilling and beautiful than any relationship I’ve ever had. This in turn has attracted emotionally available people into my life and has enriched the relationships that I’m lucky enough to have. Yes, it takes work but do it consistently and you’ll stop having such an allergic reaction to having your own back.

You’ve GOT this. I believe in you. x, N

 

CONGRATS to the winners of Dr. Diamond’s Giveaway!

(he will be including something super exciting in the next giveaway too) :

Eye Gel

Nichole Sullivan

Sunscreen

Catherine Ha

Ladies – email me [email protected]

there’s a HUGE summer giveaway coming very soon 🙂

X

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12 comments

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As we say in the business, “This is POMP”, or Part Of My Problem. So so good – such a fan ♥

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YAY! So glad you liked! Thx Wyatt 🙂

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The timing of this post is eerily uncanny and so needed. As someone who just last night at 1:00am was sitting on my bathroom floor SOBBING that there is something wrong with me/why can’t I be myself on dates/I’m never going to meet anyone/why do I have social anxiety/why do I act different with different people/WHO AM I REALLY?? this post hit me like a ton of bricks. I am the one who is emotionally unavailable!! Gulp. Yikes. This is why when countless good-meaning people ask me, “Why are you single? You’re so amazing and great!” I can honestly say (to myself) “I am emotionally unavailable.” It all makes sense now. Natasha, you are SO GOOD!!!!

And now I am going to call my therapist 🙂

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Thanks babe! So happy it helped 🙂 I’m proud of you and I believe in you. If I can conquer my unavailability, so can you! XOXO

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I had no idea I was emotionally unavailable until I read this. Every point you made described how I am as a person.
Thank you for this article. Now I can spend time working on myself instead of focusing on the fact that I got dumped a month ago.

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YAY! That makes me so happy to hear 🙂 Proud of you Jay! xoxo

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You couldn’t have described me any better Natasha! I’ve recognized my issues especially with acting differently when I’m with family, friends, at work. I feel like I have a personality disorder or something. I’m trapped in this revolving door and never understood who is my true self. I end up mirroring so much just to fit in or seem normal. Loving myself will definitely change that. But the unemotional available part of me just seems so normal I’m a pro at it. Time to break those old habits. Xoxo.

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Yes it is! Proud of you sis! X

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I often questioned if I was also emotionally unavailable because how else would I keep attracting the same type of man!!? After months of trauma therapy, I’m realizing what no longer serves me! It’s both unbelievable and believable at the same time. I’m super emotional, but I look back and see that I was just like him on so many levels. There’s no wonder why we didn’t connect and remained parallels for five years. We both couldn’t reach each other and won’t.. because we both have the same thing. Thank you for posting all of your wonderful insights! I no longer feel alone on this journey!

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You are NEVER alone Jade <3 So happy that the post helped! All my love to you soul sis. xoxo

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Hi Natasha,

I recently just found your site and have been hooked ever since. I am going through a tough post-break up with an emotionally unavailable man. This post spoke to me, as do all your posts really. In your last paragraph, you mention that in order to create a meaningful and consistent relationship with yourself, you consistently work on it everyday and still do. My question is, how do you do that? Could you give some concrete examples of how you started doing that, if it’s not too much to ask? Thanks!

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Hi Sasha!

Thank you so much! I’m honored to help <3

I wish that I could elaborate further and answer your question, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day.

I will definitely try to write a post about this soon though! LOVE the topic/idea. Thanks for the recommendation!

All my love to you soul sister.

You’re not alone xo

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