As I write this post, I’m on my couch and it’s currently 1999. I’ve got Brandy’s, Almost Doesn’t Count playing throughout my house, I’m wearing my old Abercrombie sweatpants and an ex boyfriend’s old high school sweatshirt that I found in my closet. All that’s missing is a Capri Sun instead of my mint tea. I wanted to write about a totally different topic today, I really did, but beside the amount of requests I’ve received these past few months to write about almost relationships, the concept of “almost,” has been showing up a lot in my life lately.
I’m listening to the lyrics of this song and although “almost doesn’t count,” makes total logical sense…
Why is “almost” even harder to get over than full-blown?
What is it about almost relationships that, no matter how we move on in our lives (in spite of what could have (never?) been), keeps our hearts frozen in the time of what almost was?
The hardest breakup I’ve ever had to go through was the breakup of my codependent relationship with emotional grey zones. Black and white was always boring and immediately written off, but GREY?… I was IN.
I gravitated toward emotional grey zones because it gave me a valid license to spend my time (& tie my value to), trying to make black and white sense of what always was and always will be… GREY.
I needed to grey all of the black and white deal-breakers, initial red flags and ambiguity, so that I could buy more time in the land of limbo and have an emotional jerk off session with fantasies that my insecurities, hopes, dreams and delusion had labeled as reality.
The codependent addiction was simple – I needed emotional grey zones to feel a sense of irreplaceable passion, intensity, etc. and emotional gray zones needed me to stay relevant.
So how does this tie into almost relationships?
The only way that an almost relationship can EVER exist is from the seed of emotional grey zones and the fertilizer of blurred lines.
Emotional grey zones make us feel like we’ve been locked out of nirvana and finally got let in. They make us question how we EVER got on before they came into our existence. And because of the intensity and sexy, “keep-you-on-your-emotional-toes” fear that they ignite, we try to replace the FACT that there are too many “almosts” to count, with deciding to further INVEST into the belief of the emotional ponzi scheme/scam we’re playing on OURSELVES.
All of us have had that one person – the one person that wasn’t ever completely ours, but we so badly wanted them to be. The one person that was almost everything we could have ever dreamed of. This person made us feel like anything was possible… even Happily Ever After.
With almost relationships, there’s never any certainty as far as what you’re getting into (we immediately squash this fact though, by engaging in emotional philosophication, asking ourselves bullsh*t like, “what is EVER really certain in life anyway?”).
The terms and conditions of the what “almost” is keep changing as you go on because the relational foundation isn’t compacted in reality. The only black and white in the midst of so.much.grey, is that you are a part of (?) a 1/2 way, quassi-relationship with someone who may or may not be fully invested and may or may not be a part of your present (& future).
All the contradictions and confusion end up acting as the ultimate build up; an aphrodisiac to those whose hearts are in repair.
The problem with almost relationships is that although it may seem like there’s a level mutuality and accountability… it’s fleeting – and fleeting or “almost accountability,” is ZERO accountability.
There’s no commitment, discussion or promise of an actual relationship. You don’t dare bring it up for fear of “rocking your dreamboat,” which you’re convinced will result in abandonment. And they’re too comfortable getting the benefits of having a monogamous relationship without having to assure you through words and actions, that they’re being monogamous.
There isn’t a word to describe this kind of intense, exhilarating, momentarily beautiful but ultimately futile union except…
Here’s why almost relationships happen, why they’re so alluring, why they’re harder to get over than an official, full-blown relationsh*t & how to LET GO:
Something I recently learned is that almost relationships don’t just happen in a romantic sense. I’ve had to learn the hard (& heartbreaking) way, that they can happen with friendships and even with family. The best way to deal with this is to make the decision to stop engaging in the “let-me-emotionally-bend-over” HOPE that “almost” will ever actualize into a mutual, connected and empathetic relationship.
In my opinion, the most dangerous attribute of almost relationships is that for them to survive, one party has to be empathetically bankrupt. How? If one person didn’t lack empathy, there wouldn’t be any room for “almost,” because “almost” can’t survive when there’s a MUTUAL understanding; an ability to put yourself in the the other person’s shoes.
Sometimes though, almost relationships are just that because they CAN’T be anything else – whether it’s an affair, distance, illness, rare circumstances, etc., it can hurt even more.
What do you do then? You ask yourself, “HOW did this even happen? How did I get here?”
There IS a way to minimize the pain and let go.
Why do almost relationships happen & why are they so alluring?
- Almost relationships happen because they play on the fear of something that we’ve ALL experienced: abandonment. We convince ourselves that if we “take it slow” and remain “patient” (at the expense of our happiness & emotional well being), our Happily Ever After is bound to eventually manifest. We also take out the sh*ttiest insurance policy on abandonment, convincing ourselves that since it’s not a full-blown thing, we won’t be THAT broken if it doesn’t actualize into a real relationship (yeah, riiiight).
- Even though almost relationships aren’t “official” relationships, they cater to those who struggle with boundaries, self esteem and self love. The allure of the what ifs, the unknown, the hot/cold, etc., provides a fertile ground for us to be triggered into making it emotionally official in our hearts (& for oxytocin to override logic).
- We get in WAY over our heads in almost relationships because like a moth to a flame, the bright light of our hopes, dreams and the potential of what could be, dims the truth of what really is.
This sets us up for something that my Mom brought up to me and it was so powerful, it hit me right between the eyes. This is something that I’ve struggled with my entire life (& will definitely discuss in another post):
Giving the other person credit that they haven’t earned.
The reason that you tolerate almost relationsht territory is because you’ve chosen to give someone ovulation-inducing credit for things that they have not yet earned.
Why are almost relationships harder to get over than official, full-blown relationsh*ts?
Almost relationships are the hardest to get over because there’s never any real or substantial closure. It’s one thing to breakup with your boyfriend because you walked in on him cheating on you. Although that’s extremely heartbreaking and difficult, you have at the very least, a visual image and concrete knowingness to remind you of the f*cktard your ex is.
What’s so difficult about almost relationships is that it’s having to breakup with things you that CAN’T just refer to, accept, separate and unplug from: your thoughts, hopes, imagination and dreams of everything that could have been.
The only way healing can occur is by unplugging from the story that you’re choosing to subscribe to; cashing OUT the credit that was unjustly given and rewiring your thoughts.
There’s no sense in trying to put the mute button on something that can’t be muted. It can only be unplugged from, flushed and redirected.
How to let go of an almost relationship:
Read and re-read these bullet points until they become so imbedded in your neuropathways that you have them emotionally memorized:
You deserve so.much.more than feeling ALMOST good enough for someone.
Feeling like you’re ALMOST loved, cherished, respected, valued and that your partner ALMOST, only has eyes for you is NOT enough.
You are worth SO.MUCH.MORE than being ALMOST exclusive with someone, no matter how amazing they seem or how intense and passionate the sex is.
Being ALMOST exclusive is NOT exclusive.
ALMOST acting like you’re in a committed, monogamous, mutual and exclusive relationship is not a precursor to them being “the one.”
You deserve more than someone who can ALMOST commit.
Being ALMOST honest with yourself and having an ALMOST honest partner is NOT what genuine openness and honesty is ever about (nor will it ever be conducive to the kind of relationship that you claim to be after).
Being ALMOST practical, but falling short and continuing to subscribe to your fantasies is NOT a relationship. It’s you getting an emotional hard on from your own triggers.
Being in an ALMOST relationship – whether it’s ALMOST connected, ALMOST empathetic, ALMOST together should never, EVER be good enough for you.
You are so much more than a contender. REMEMBER: You’re only going to settle for being an ALMOST relationship if deep down, you still feel like you’re ALMOST (but not quite), enough.
Being that it’s Mother’s Day today, this post is dedicated to the mate to my soul, my beautiful Mother who allowed me to develop an allergy to almosts by always giving me her all. Mom, I love you more than my words will ever be able to express.
Wishing all of you amazing Moms a very happy Mother’s Day!
You don’t have to be a Mom to celebrate today. We are ALL mothers – mothering ourselves and each other. Make sure that you take some time to mother yourself today and honor the Mother(s) in your life.
BIG ♡ to you all.