One of the
hardest most impossible things to master is acceptance and moving on from anything that didn’t go your way, let alone when your heart is broken and you’re left to pick up the pieces while being surrounded (read: sometimes purposefully surrounding yourself), with everything that further emphasizes your emptiness, grief and that he’s just plain happier without you.
Moving on and and acceptance are very much like forgiveness. I have what some people would call a very different take on forgiveness, but I do feel that just like with forgiveness, actual moving on and acceptance has to happen organically. When it does happen, you’ll realize after the fact that the work has been done and you’ll be able to feel yourself removed from the pain that you used to be so engulfed by, having a thought independent of your heartbreak and of *him,* was an impossibility.
You’re no longer shackled to your weaker, co-dependant self. You’re free.
Sounds unattainable nirvana, huh?
I’ve tried everything to facilitate acceptance and moving on, and I mean everything. If someone told me that I could reach acceptance and moving on by baptizing myself with cat pee and giving myself a televised enema of sand while reciting the alphabet in Chinese, I
probably would have done it in a heartbeat.
I was so desperate to feel indifferent; so desperate to just accept what was and start moving on but, I was stuck. Like, majorly. I felt like my legs were trapped in cement while everyone and everything around me was moving all around and I just stood there – frozen in my pain, drowning in my regrets and unable to control obsessive thoughts.
Nothing worked. Why? Because just like with forgiveness, when it comes to acceptance and moving on, it’s not something that you can just decide to do, do it, and it’s done. It’s not that straight forward. There’s no light switching here.
For me, I can’t just say “I forgive him/her” and then, BAM! I feel at peace and forgiveness has shed it’s divine light on me while I go skip through the fields and recite positive affirmations. It has to be real.
While you weren’t wired with an “must accept now switch,” you were wired with the awareness and the tools to move on for good.
Yesterday, I met a girlfriend of mine for tea and she was having a really hard time accepting that the guy she’s been involved with for over a year has revealed himself to be an emotionally unavailable user that lied to her, made excuses, broke his promises and broke her heart. As I was listening to her speak, I could tell that she was in an intense argument with reality because reality translated that this was a situation where anyone with healthy levels of self esteem, pride and limits, would connect the dots and be done.
It’s scary to let go; it’s a death. Not only is it a death of the mutual relationship that never was, it’s the death of the girl, the happy girl you were that felt “alive,” when she was in the relationsh*t. It’s hard, I’ve been there, I get it and you’re not alone.
There comes a point where you need to have some limits, exercise your boundaries and recognize reality and the truth as the allies that they are. Realty and truth are the only two, one-way, first-class tickets to getting to the land of acceptance and moving on, for reals.
I listened to my girlfriend and as I saw her beginning to breaking down, I interrupted and blurted out:
Whoa. I didn’t even know where that came from.
RIGHT though? We both just paused and took that in that “aha!” before she wrote it down on a napkin and made me swear to put it up here on the blog to share with you guys.
And that’s the thing – if you’re finding a block in your desire to reach acceptance and to begin moving on, it’s because you’re arguing with reality; with what is. Sometimes you need to accept the apology that you never got. You need to look at people’s ACTIONS because their actions always tell the truth and the truth is ALWAYS in accordance with reality and reality will ALWAYS push you forward (so long as you don’t resist & allow it to), and THAT my friends, is how you build self esteem and reclaim your power.
This is how you build a life that you’re proud of and it’s how you start to call your own shots and create your OWN damn luck.
Become bff’s with reality, hang on to reality and have the same limits with your romantic relationships that you’d have with anyone else that used and hurt you. Just because your heart and your libido are involved, it doesn’t give you a license to go ahead and devalue yourself further.
You deserve so much more. You can reach acceptance and you can start moving on.